Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Cycling Tour - full transcript

Mr Pither; Clodagh Rogers; Trotsky; Smolensk; Bingo-crazed Chinese (British Ambassador); 'Jack in a Box'.

August 18-- fell off
near bovey tracey.

The pump caught
in my trouser leg.

My pump caught
in my trouser leg

And my sandwiches
were badly crushed.

35p, please.

These sandwiches,
however

Were an excellent
substitute.

Give us ten woods,
barney.

Hello.

It's funny, isn't it

How one can
go through life--



As I have--
disliking bananas

And being indifferent
to cheese

But still be able
to eat and enjoy

A banana-and-cheese sandwich
like this.

35p.

Ah!

Oh, I have
only a 50.

Do you have change?

Well, I'll have to look, but
I may have to go to the bank.

I'm most awfully sorry.

15p.

Oh, what
a stroke of luck.

Well, all
the very best...

And thank you again



For the excellent banana-
and-cheese delicacy.

August 23-- fell off
near budleigh salterton.

...and the pump got caught
in my trouser leg...

And that's how
they were damaged.

The eggs-- you remember

The hard-boiled eggs
I was telling you about.

They were in
a tupperware container--

Reputedly self-sealing

Which fell open
upon contact

With the tar-macadam
surface of the road...

The b-489,
the dawlish road.

That shouldn't happen to a
self-sealing container

Now, should it?

What do you keep your
hard-boiled eggs in?

I think in future

I will lash them to the
handlebars with adhesive tape!

This should obviate a recurrence
of the same problem!

Well, I can't stand around here
chatting all day!

I'm on a cycling tour
of north cornwall!

Must be off!

August 26-- fell off
near ottery st. mary.

The pump caught
in my trouser leg.

Decide to wear short trousers
from now on.

Fell off near tiverton.

Perhaps a shorter pump
is the answer.

Excuse me, madam.

I wonder if
you could tell me

Of a good bicycle shop
in this village

Where I could
either find

A means of adapting
my present pump

Or, failing that,
of purchasing a replacement.

There's only
one shop here.

What a stroke of luck.

Now perhaps cycling
will become less precarious.

Yes?

Uh... a mr. pither
to see you, doctor.

His bicycle pump
got caught in his sock.

Oh, thank you, nurse,
show him in, please.

This way, please.

Good morning.

And a very good morning
to you, too, doctor.

I understand
you had an accident.

That's right,
my pump got...

Caught in your sock.

Absolutely, yes.

And my fruit cake was damaged
on one side.

It's got grit all over it.

Are you in pain?

Oh, heavens, no.

Ah, well, where
are you hurt?

Oh, fortunately, i
escaped without injury.

Well, what is
the trouble?

Please, could you tell me
the way to iddesleigh?

I'm a doctor, you know.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Normally, I would have asked

A policeman or a minister
of the church

But finding no one available,
I thought it better

To consult
a professional man

Rather
than rely

On the possibly confused
testimony of a passerby.

Oh, all right.

Take this
to a chemist.

Thank you.

September 2...

Did not fall off
outside iddesleigh.

Fell off in tavistock.

My foot caught in my trouser leg
and that's how the bottle broke.

Tell her today--
you could ring her.

I can't,
I can't.

I said
you'd never guess.

16 years we've
been together.

I can't just
ring her up.

Well, if you can't do it now,
you never will.

Do you like tizer?

What?

Do you want me
or not, james?

It's your
decision.

I suppose it is still available
in this area, is it?

Do you want me
or not, james?

What?

A tizer!

Yes or no?

Is it still available
in this area?

I don't know.

I see--
in that case

It's good-bye
forever, james.

No!

I mean yes!

Oh, it is,
is it?

No!

Oh!

You never could make up
your mind.

I can.

Good-bye,
james.

I have.

No, wait, lucille!

Does your lovely little daughter
like tizer, eh?

Lucille!

Wouldn't mind buying her
a bottle of tizer...

If it's still available
in this area.

Would you like me
to show you the door?

Oh, that's
extremely kind of you

But I saw it
on the way in.

You stupid,
interfering little rat!

I'm kind of confused.

I had just fallen off
my bicycle--

This is
most kind of you--

And my lemon curd
tartlet had...

Damn your lemon curd tart!

Just had a chat
with your dad.

My rubber
instep caught

On the rear mudguard
stanchion and...

Really? and what happened
to the corned beef rolls?

The corned beef rolls
were crushed out of all...

Here, how did you know about
my corned beef rolls?

I noticed them-- or what remained of
them-- in the road.

I noticed also that
the lemon curd tart

Had sustained some
superficial damage.

That's right,
the curd had become...

Detached from
the pastry base.

Absolutely
right, yes.

Otherwise, the contents
of the sandwich box

Were relatively unharmed

Although I detected
small particles of bitumen

In the chocolate cupcakes.

But they were
wrapped in foil.

Not the hard chocolate top,
I'm afraid.

Oh, that's
the bit I like.

The sausage roll,
the crisps

And the ginger biscuit
were unscathed.

How do you know so much
about cycling?

Well, I'm making
a special study

Of accidents involving food.

Yes-- do you know,
in our laboratories

We have developed a cheese sandwich
that can withstand

An impact of up to
4,000 pounds per square inch?

Good heavens!

Amazing, isn't it?

We've also developed
a tomato

Which can eject itself
when an accident is imminent.

Even when it's in
an egg and tomato roll?

Anywhere, even if
it's in your stomach.

If it senses an accident

It will come
up your throat

And out of the window.

Do you know
what this means?

Safer food!

Exactly.

No longer will food be
squashed, crushed and damaged

By the ignorance
and stupidity of the driver.

Whole picnics will be built

To withstand the most
enormous forces!

Snacks will be
safer than ever!

A simple pot
of salad dressing

Treated in our laboratories

Has been subjected
to the impact

Of a 4,000-pound
steam hammer every day

For the last 16 years,
and has it broken?

Well... uh...

Yes, of course it has.

But there are other ideas--

Safety straps for sardines,
for example.

Here, that tomato has just
ejected itself!

Really?

It works! it works!

What a strange turn
this cycling tour has taken.

Mr. gulliver appears
to have lost his memory

And far from being
interested in safer food

Is now convinced

That he is clodagh rogers,
the young girl singer.

I am taking him
for medical attention.

Is this the
casualty department?

Yes, that's right.

And what can
I do for you?

I am at present

On a cycling tour
of the north cornwall area

Taking in bude and...

Yes, could I have
your name, please?

Ah, my name
is pither.

What?

P-i-t-h-e-r...

As in "brotherhood"

Except with p-i instead
of the b-r-o and no "hood."

Yes, I see.

I have just
visited taunton...

Shh!

I was cycling
north towards...

Yes, where
were you injured?

Just where the a-237
ilfracombe road meets the...

On your body.

Ah, no, it's not I who was
injured, it's my friend.

Name?

Pither.

No, no, no, no,
your friend's name.

Oh, clodagh rogers.

Clodagh rogers?!

Well, only since
about 4:30...

Yes, I think you'd
better talk to dr. wu.

Doctor!

What?

Damn!

I am on
a cycling tour

Of north cornwall,
taking in...

He thinks he's
had an accident.

I have a friend who, as a result
of his injuries

Thinks he is
clodagh rogers.

He what?

Well, what
happened was...

September 4...

Well, I never.

We are now in
the alpes maritimes region

Of southern france.

Clodagh seems more intent
on reaching moscow

Than on rehearsing
her new bbc 2 series

With buddy rich
and the younger generation.

Oh, hello.

We cannot stay here.

We must leave
immediately.

There is a ship
in marseilles.

I did enjoy your song
for europe, clodagh.

I have seen an agent
in the town.

My life is in danger!

Danger, clodagh?

Stalin has always hated me!

No one hates you, clodagh.

I will not let myself fall
into the hands of these scum!

I think you should go and have
a little lie down, my dear.

There's a busy day tomorrow

Of concerts and
promotional tours.

I?! who was one
of the founders

Of the greatest
nation on earth?!

I?! whom lenin has called
his greatest friend?!

Taisez-vous,
taisez-vous!

Oh, dear.

I?! who have worked
all my life

That my people
should live?!

Qu'est-ce que
le bruit?

C'est impossible!

Oh, my name is pither.

Oh, you are english?

Uh, yes, that's right.

I'm on a cycling tour
of north cornwall...

I will not
be defeated!

I will return
to my country

To fight against
this new tyranny!

This is clodagh rogers,
the irish-born girl singer.

O, mais oui,
c'est clodagh rogers--

"jack in the box"!

I'm just a jack in the box,
I know whenever love knocks

I'm gonna bounce up and down
on my spring

Boom-boom-boom!

Genevieve!

Paul!

C'est clodagh rogers

La fameuse
chanteuse anglaise.

I will never
surrender!

I will never...

Excusez-moi,
madame clodagh.

Ecrivez-vous
votre nom

Dans mon livre des hommes celebres,
s'il vous plait.

La, au-dessous de
le denis compton.

Maman! ce n'est pas
la belle clodagh.

Quoi?

C'est trotsky,
le revolutionnaire!

Trotsky?!

Mais il ne chante pas.

Il chante un peu.

Mais pas
professionnellement.

Tu penses de lenin.

Ah! lenin, eh?
quel chanteur!

If I ruled the world...

Every day would be
the first day of spring...

Lenin! my friend!

I come!

Excuse her...

She's not been
very well recently--

Pressure of work,
laryngitis, you know...

Et aussi monsieur kerensky

Avec le little
white bull, hein?

O, formidable!

Lenin!

Clodagh...

Lenin!

I come!

Lenin...

My friend...

I come!

Lenin!

Clodagh!

Lenin!

Je t'aime.

Maurice, regardez!

C'est la chanteuse
anglaise, clodagh rogers.

Ah, mais oui--
jack in the box...

I'm going to bounce up
and down on my spring...

After several days

I succeeded in tracking down
my friend mr. gulliver

On the outskirts of smolensk.

Smolensk, 200 miles
east of minsk...

200 miles north of kursk...

1,500 miles west of omsk.

Thank you.

Anyway, as we were so far
from home and as mr. gulliver--

Still believing himself
to be trotsky--

Was very tired from
haranguing the masses

All the way from monte carlo...

Monte carlo, 100 miles
south of turin

100 miles east of pisa,
500 miles west of bilbao.

Thank you.

I decided to check...

I decided to check...

Oh, sorry, you go on.

I decided to check him
into a hotel

While I visited
the british embassy

To ask for help
in returning to cornwall.

And so we registered

At the smolensk young men's
anti-christian association.

Y.m.a.c.a.--

Corner of anti-semitic street
and pogrom square.

Go away.

No, not you.

A single room
for my friend, please.

Yes, sir. bugged
or unbugged?

I think I'd be happier
with a bugged one.

Right, one bugged with bath.

Well, just have
a nice lie down

And I'll go down
to the embassy.

Trotsky?

My lack of god, it's trotsky!

Comrades,
socialism is not a...

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Is this
the british consulate?

Yes, yes, uh, si, si.

That is
correctement.

Ah, yes.

Piccadilly circus,
miniskirt and joe lyons.

Oh, I'd like to see
the consul, please.

Yes, yes, speakee, speakee.

Me blitish consul.

Oh!

You are rear admiral
sir dudley compton?

No. he die.

He have heart attack

And fell out of window
onto exploding bomb

And was killed
in a shooting accident.

Ah, yes. I his...
how you say, uh...

Succ... succa... succ... sussor.

Oh, successor.

I'm his successor,
mr. atkinson.

Oh.

Would you like drinkee?

Or game bingo?

Oh... a drink would be
very nice, yes.

Oh, mr. livingstone,
go and get sake.

Yes, boss.

Oh...

How is
tonblidge wells?

How I long to see again

Walls of famous
shakespeare-style theater

In stlatford-on-avon.

Oh, well, I'm a west country man
myself, mr. atkinson.

Oh, texas, arizona,
kit carson super scout.

No, no. west of england--
cornwall.

Oh, coron... worll.

Corn... cornwall.

Coronworl, oh, yes.

Know coronworl very well.

Went to
school there.

Mother and father
live there, ah, yes.

Go many
weekend parties

And polo playing
in blidge club.

Belong many clubs
in coronworl.

Ah, mr. livingstone,
thank you.

Sake and
bakewells tart.

Well, chaps...

Buttocks up!

Rather!

Now, mister...

Uh, pither.

Ah, mr. pither.

We blitish here in smolensk
very interested in clicket.

Oh, cricket?

No, no. you no speak
english velly wells.

No, not clicket.

Clicket.

Clicketty click
clicketty.

Housey, housey,
oh, bingo!

Oh! bingo!

Oh, bingo!

Bingo!

Bingo!

Bingo!

Bingo!

Bingo!

Bingo!
bingo!

Bingo! bingo! bingo!

Bingo! bingo! bingo!

Bingo! bingo! oh, bingo!

Bingo! bingo! bingo!

Oh, bingo! bingo! bingo!

Bingo! bingo! bingo!

Hsai!

Bingo!

Sorry.

Our boys got
velly excited.

Bingo.

Oh, shut face!

Now, mr. pither

Perhaps you could put in
a good word for us

So we can join a velly smart
bingo club in coronworl.

Well, it's not
really my line...

We sit velly quiet
at back

Not say anything
except shout

"housey! housey!"

Housey!
housey!

Housey!
housey!

Housey!
housey!

Housey! housey! housey!

Housey! housey!
housey! housey!

Oh, bingo!

Housey! housey! housey!

Housey! housey! housey! housey!

Housey! housey! housey! housey!

Hi skwwati niyhi,
keo t'sin feh t'sdung

Nihi watai bingo cards!

Nihi watai...

Bingo cards.

Nihi watai
bingo cards?

Nihi watai.

Ah, so.

Now, mr. pither

Tell me which better--

Hackney star bingo

Or st. albans
top-rank suite.

Well, I was hoping
that you could help

Me and my friend
to get back to england.

Hackney star bingo.

You see, we're
on a cycling tour...

Bingo! bingo!
housey, housey!

Bingo! bingo! bingo!

Bingo!
bingo!

Bingo, bingo...

Is mr. trotsky
in his room, please?

No. he has gone
to moscow.

Moscow-- 1,500 miles south of...

Shut up!

Moscow?

Come with us,
please.

Oh, who are you?

Well, we're not secret
police, anyway.

That's for sure.

If anything, we are ordinary
soviet citizens

With no particular
interest in politics.

None at all.
come with us.

Oh, where are
you taking me?

What do we
tell him?

Don't tell him
any secrets.

Agreed.

Tell him
anything

Except we are taking him
to moscow

Where trotsky
is reunited

With the central
committee.

We are taking you
to a clambake.

Oh, a clambake!

I've never been
to one of those.

Right, let's go.

Who's giving the orders
around here?

I am-- I'm
senior to you.

No, you're not.

You're a
greengrocer.

I'm an insurance
salesman.

Greengrocers are senior to
insurance salesmen.

No, they're not!

Cool it-- I'm an ice-cream
salesman

And I am senior
to both of you.

You're an ice-cream
salesman?

I thought you were
a veterinarian.

I got promoted.

Let's go.

Taxi!

Yes.

Drive us
to moscow.

I have
no cab.

Why not?

I'm in the secret police.

Vse narodniy prednovich
tovarich trotsky...

Shi muska
di scensand dravenka...

And now, comrades, the greatest
moment of a great day

When I ask you to welcome

The return of one
of russia's greatest heroes

Creator of the red army,
lenin's greatest friend

Lev davidovich trotsky!

Comrades, bolsheviks,
friends of the revolution

I am returned.

The bloodstained shadow
of stalinist repression is past.

I bring you the new light
of permanent revolution.

I may once have been
ousted from power

I may have
been expelled

From the party
in 1927

I may have been deported
in 1926, but...

I'm just an old-fashioned girl
with an old-fashioned mind.

Comrades, I don't want
to destroy in order to build

I don't want a state
founded on hate and division.

I want an old-fashioned house
with an old-fashioned fence

And an old-fashioned
millionaire...

My friend mr. gulliver
was clearly undergoing

Another change of personality.

So! you have
duped us.

You shall pay
for this.

Guards, seize him!

Shall I seize
him, too?

No, I think we'll
have to keep him.

He's going down well.

He's more fun
than he used to be.

He's loosened up
a lot.

This is an old
lenin number.

Labored hers and hers...

April 26--
thrown into russian cell.

Severely damaged my mars bar.

Shall I ever see
bude bus station again?

Oh, excuse me.

What a pleasant exercise yard.

How friendly
they were all being.

Cigarette?

Oh, no, thank you.

I don't smoke.

After a few moments

I perceived a line
of gentlemen with rifles.

They were looking
in my direction.

I looked around
but could not see the target.

Blindfold?

No, thank you, no.

Slowotny!

Grydenka...

Verschnitzen...

Nyet! nyet!

Nyet! nyet!

Nyet!
nyet!

Nyet!

A telegram?

From
the kremlin!

The central
committee!

It says...

"carry on with
the execution"

Verschnitzen...!

Now I was really for it.

How could you miss?

He moved.

Shut up!

Go and practice.

I'm so sorry.

Would you mind
waiting in your cell?

What a stroke of luck..

My crunchie was totally intact.

I settled down
to a quick inter-meal snack.

Next time...

Definitely!

Now, how many
have been injured?

Oh, god!

As I lay down to the sound

Of the russian gentlemen
practicing their shooting

I realized I was
in a bit of a pickle.

My heart sank as I realized

I should never see
the okehampton bypass again.

Come on, dear.

Wake up, dear.

Mother!

Come on, dear.

So... it was
all a dream.

No, dear, this
is the dream.

You're still
in the cell.

Okay, we're going
to have another try.

I think we've
got it now.

My boys have
been looking

Down the wrong bit,
you see.

Oh, no, no.

You've got to look
down that bit there.

I thought you had
to look down that bit.

Oh, no, you've got
to look down that bit

Or you won't
hit anything.

All right, we'll
give it a whirl.

Guards, seize him!

Listen, you've got
to look down this bit.

Osledi, osledi, osledi...

And now...

...with pee-pee.

Kon'nichi wa.

Eartha kitt!

Trade union leaders

I would say this:
we've done our part.

Now, on behalf of the community
we have a right to expect you...

The trade union leaders,
to do yours.

Nyet eartha kitt!

Edward heath.

...in unjustifiable ways.

Sing "old-fashioned girl"!

"old-fashioned girl"!

Sing "old-fashioned girl"!

"old-fashioned girl"!

"old-fashioned girl"!

"old-fashioned girl"!

"old-fashioned girl"!

That turnip's certainly
not safe.

"old-fashioned girl"!
"old-fashioned girl"!

Oh, no! mr. pither!

Mr. pither!

Pither!

Mr. pither!

Pither!

Mr. pither!

Mr. pither! mr. pither!

Mr. pither!

Mr. pither!

Here!

Gulliver!

Pither!

What a stroke
of luck.

Well, yes and no.

Charge!

Phew! what
an amazing escape.

Well, good-bye,
reginald.

Good-bye,
mr. pither.

And good luck
with the tour!

Huh!

Hey, i... I think
he's finally gone!

Ooh, yeah.

Ready, maurice?

Right-o, kevin,
let's go.

All right,
maestro, hit it!

I'm just your
jack in the box

I know whenever love knocks

I'm gonna bounce
up and down on my spring

Until you stop when it stops

I'm just
your jack in the box...