Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 7 - Salad Days - full transcript
A climbing expedition negotiates a hazardous London road; an attempt is made to determine whether an urban dwelling is a house or a lifeboat. Also: a mouse's quest for cheese, which leads to the production of a Western called "Rog...
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circuses.
The adventures of biggles.
Part one:"biggles
dictates a letter. "
Miss bladder, take a letter.
Yes, senor biggles.
Don't call
me "senor"!
Or group
captain biggles
Or mary biggles
if I'm dressed as my wife
But never senor!
Sorry.
I've never even been to spain.
You went to ibiza last year.
That's still no grounds
for calling me senor
Or "don beeg-les,"
for that matter.
Right. dear
king haakon...
"of norway,"
is that?
Just put down
what I say.
Do I put that down?
Course you don't put that down!
Well, what about that?
Look!
Don't put that down.
Just put down...
wait a mo, wait a mo.
Now, when I've got
these antlers on...
When I've got
these antlers on
I am dictating
And when I take them off,
I'm not dictating.
"I'm not dictating."
What?
Read that back.
"dear king haakon,
I'm not dictating.
What?"
No, no, no, no, you
loopy brothel inmate!
I've had
enough of this.
I'm not a
courtesan.
Oh, oh, courtesan--
oh, aren't we grand?
Harlot's not good
enough for us, eh?
Paramour, concubine,
fille de joie--
That's what
we are not.
Well, listen to me,
my fine fellow
You are
a bit of tail
That's what
you are.
I am not, you demented
fictional character.
Algy says you are.
He says you're
no better than
you should be.
And how would
he know?
And just what do
you mean by that?
Are you calling
My old fictional
comrade-in-arms
a fairy?
Fairy! poof's not good
enough for algy, is it?
He's got to be a bleedin' fairy.
Mincing old r.a.f. queen.
Algy, I have
to see you.
Righto.
What ho, everyone.
Are you gay?
I should bally well
say so, old fruit.
Ugh! dear king haakon...
Oh. dear king haakon
Just a line to thank
you for the eels.
Mary thought they were
really scrummy, comma
So did i, full stop.
I've just heard that algy was
a poof, exclamation mark.
What would captain w.e. johns
have said, question mark.
Sorry to mench, but if you've
finished with the lawn edger
Could you pop it
in the post?
Love, biggles,
algy deceased,
and ginger.
Ginger?
What?
Rhyming slang--
ginger beer.
Oh.
Ginger.
Hello, sweetie.
I have to see you.
Yes, biggles?
Are you a poof?
I should say not!
Thank god for that.
Good lad, stout fellow, salt of
the earth, backbone of england.
Funny, he looks like a poof.
Dear princess margaret...
Hello.
Get back in the cupboard, you
pantomimetic royal person!
Lemon curry?
Dear real princess margaret
Thank you for the eels,
full stop.
They were absolutely delicious
And unmistakably
regal, full stop.
Sorry to mench, but if you've
finished with the hairdryer
Could you pop it in the post?
Yours fictionally, biggles.
Oh, p.s.-- see you at the saxe-
coburgs' canasta evening.
That should puzzle her.
Si, senor beeg-les.
Silence, naughty
lady of the night!
Next week, part two:
"biggles flies undone. "
Ugh!
Meanwhile, not very far away...
Climbing-- the world's
loneliest sport
Where hardship and philosophy
go hand in glove.
And here, another british
expedition attempting to be
The first man
to successfully climb
The north face
of the uxbridge road.
This four-man rope has been
climbing tremendously.
Bbc cameras were there
to film every inch.
The major assault on the
uxbridge road has been going on
For about three weeks
Really ever since they
established base camp
Here at the junction
of willesden road.
From there they climbed steadily
to establish camp two
Outside lewis's, and it's taken
them another three days
To establish camp three
here outside the post office.
Well, they've spent
a good night in there last night
In preparation
for the final assault today.
The leader of the expedition
is 29-year-old bert tagg
A local headmaster
and mother of three.
Bert, how's
it going?
It's a bit gripping,
is this, chris.
I've got to try and
reach that bus stop
In an hour or so
And I'm doing it
by... damn...
I'm doing it by layback
up this gutter
So I'm kind of
guttering
And laying back
at the same time
And philosophizing.
Uh, bert, some people
say this is crazy.
Aye, well, they said
crippen was crazy,
didn't they?
Well, crippen
was crazy.
Oh, well, there
you are, then.
Eh, john? I'm
sending you down
This carabiner
on white.
Lemon curry?
Now, you see,
he's putting in
a peg down there
Because I'm quite
a way up now
And if I come
unstuck here
I go down quite
a long way.
Such quiet courage is typical
Of the way these brave chaps
shrug off danger.
Like it or not,
you've got to admire
The skill that goes into it.
Oh, it's terrible
up on deck.
Up on deck?
Yeah, on deck it's
diabolical weather.
Uh, what deck, dear?
The deck-- the deck
of the lifeboat.
This isn't a
lifeboat, dear.
This is
24 parker street.
This is the newhaven lifeboat.
No, it's not, dear.
You're right.
This isn't
a lifeboat at all.
No, I wouldn't live
here if it was.
Do you mind if I sit down for
a minute and collect my wits?
No, you do that.
I'll make a nice cup of tea.
Thanks very much.
Ooh, it's a wild night up top.
Your turn on deck
soon, charlie.
It's not a
lifeboat, frank.
What?
What do you mean?
It's not
a lifeboat ;
It's this
lady's house.
Captain! captain, ahoy there!
Ahoy there!
Ahoy there!
Ahoy there!
Captain!
Who's that shouting?
There's a man outside number 24.
Try it on the five-inch, gladys.
I cant, I've got that fixed
on the baileys at number 13.
Their new lodger moves in today.
All right, hold 13
on the five-inch
And transfer the cartwrights
to the digital scanner.
Oh, okay.
Hold on! mrs. pettigrew's
coming back from the doctor's.
Ooh, bring her up on two.
What's the duration rating
on the oscillator?
48.47.
Well, that's
a long time
For someone who's just
had a routine checkup.
Yes, her pulse
rate's 146.
Ooh, zoom in
on the 16-mil and
hold her, enid.
Roger, gladys.
I'll try and get her
on the 12-inch.
Move the curtain, enid.
Thank you, love.
Yes, it's one of those
self-righting models.
Newhaven was about
the first place
In the country
to get one.
What's the
displacement
On one of them
jobs, then?
Oh, about
140, 150...
Who's for fruit cake?
Oh, yes, please.
Yes? right, macaroons...
That's two dozen fruit cakes,
half a dozen macaroons.
Won't be a jiffy, then.
Yoo-hoo! mrs. edwards!
Hello.
Hello, love.
I want two dozen
fruit cakes
And half a dozen
macaroons.
Oh, sorry, love,
no macaroons.
How about a nice
vanilla sponge?
Yes, that'd
be lovely.
Righto.
Ooh, there's that
nice herring trawler
Come for their
kup kakes-- excuse me.
Righto.
Hello! captain smith!
Hello!
Kup kakes to starboard!
Coming!
Head out there!
If you want I'll
get your things.
Oh, yes,
throw 'em in.
I'll pay you
At the end of
the week, then,
all right?
Okay, righto.
All right.
Rule, britannia...
Ooh, it's the ark royal, doris!
Have you got their
rock buns ready?
Hang on!
Here we are,
five for them
And five for
h.m.s. eagle.
Righto.
Yes?
H.m.s. defiant,
two set teas, please.
Two set teas, doris.
That'll be 48 pence.
Here we are,
thank you.
By the way, do
you do lunches?
No, morning coffees
and teas only.
Righto, dear.
Good evening, and welcome to
another edition of storage jars.
On tonight's program
Mikos antoniarkis,
the greek rebel leader
Who seized power
in athens this morning
Tells us what he keeps
in storage jars.
From strife-torn bolivia
Ronald rodgers reports
on storage jars there.
And closer to home
The first dramatic pictures
of the mass jailbreak
Near the storage jar factory
in maidenhead.
All this and more
in storage jars.
This is la paz, bolivia.
Behind me, you can hear
the thud of mortar
And the high-pitched
whine of rockets
As the battle for control
of this volatile republic shakes
The foundations
of this old city.
But whatever their
political inclinations
These bolivians are all
keen users of storage jars.
Here the largest size is used
for rice and for mangos
A big local crop.
And unlike most revolutionary
south american states
They've an intermediary size
In between the two-pound
and five-pound jars.
This gives this
poor-but-proud people
A useful jar for apricots,
plums and stock cubes.
The smallest jar,
this little two-ounce jar
For sweets, chocolates
and even little shallots.
No longer used in the west
It remains here as an unspoken
monument to the days
When la paz knew better times.
Ronald rodgers,
storage jars, la paz.
In london, the prime minister
met officials
From the department of
the environment to discuss...
A cassette tape recorder
is to replace
The salon quartets and trios
Which have played beside the
potted palms of manchester...
...has caused a switch
to taped music
Which will be relayed over
a new public address system
Replacing one which relayed
both music and the...
Stock market prices
hit record levels
On the last day of the year.
The financial times index
rose 3.7 points to 476.5...
...but the bbc has reported
That radio free solent,
a pirate station
Was marking the first
birthday of the...
Henry! turn that television off!
You know it's bad for your eyes!
Ah, that's better.
Henry, will you stop
sitting around?
Yes, dear.
There's an entire tv studio
Waiting around for you
to do the next link!
And when you've got that done
I've gone some
more work for you!
Yes, dear.
Henry, do you hear me?
Henry!
Henry, get a move on!
Now, you sod!
That's better.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two,
hut-two, hut-two!
Hello, I'm the good fairy
from program control
Where we're all grateful
for your work on this link
So much so that I'm
here to release you
From the evil spell
you've been under.
Huh?
Hmm, well, it doesn't
always work the first time.
Thank you,
thank you.
No, no need to.
You see, it's all in a day's
work for program control.
Hello, the show so far...
Well, it all started with
the organist losing his clothes
As he sat down at the organ
And after this had happened, uh
And we had seen
the titles of the show, we...
We saw biggles dictating
a letter to his secretary
Who thought he was spanish
And whom he referred to
as a "harlot"
And a "woman of the night"
Although she preferred
to be called a "courtesan."
Uh, then we saw some people
Trying to climb
a road in uxbridge
And then there were
some cartoons and...
And then some lifeboat men came
into a woman's sitting room
And, uh, after a bit
The woman went out to buy
some, uh, cakes on a lifeboat.
And then, uh, a n... a naval
officer jumped into the sea.
Uh, then we saw a man telling us
about storage jars from bolivia
And then there were
some more cartoons.
And then a... a man told us
About what happened
on the show so far
And a great hammer came
and hit him on the head.
I don't remember that.
Lemon curry?
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
Um... I was sitting
In the public library
in thurmond street just now
Skimming through
rogue herries by horace walpole
When i, um,
suddenly came over all peckish.
Peckish, sir?
Esurient.
Eh?
Eee, I were all hungry, like.
Oh, hungry.
In a nutshell.
So I thought to myself
A little fermented curd
would do the trick
So I curtailed my walpolling
activities, sallied forth
And infiltrated
your place of purveyance
To negotiate the vending
of some cheesy comestibles.
Come again?
I want to buy some cheese!
Ah... I thought you were
complaining about the music.
Oh, heaven forbid.
I am one who delights
In all manifestations
of the terpsichorean muse.
Sorry.
I like a nice dance--
You're forced to.
Anyway.
Who said that?
Now, my good man,
some cheese, please.
Yes, certainly, sir.
what would you like?
Well, uh, how about
a little red leicester?
I'm afraid we're fresh out
of red leicester, sir.
Never mind.
how are you on tilsit?
Never at the end
of the week, sir.
Always get it fresh
first thing on monday.
Tish, tish.
No matter, um...
Well, four ounces of caerphilly,
then, if you please
Stout yeoman.
Ah, well, it's been on
order for two weeks, sir.
I was expecting it
this morning.
Yes, it's not
my day, is it?
Uh, bel paese?
Sorry.
Red windsor?
Uh, normally,
sir, yes...
But today
the van broke down.
Ah... uh, stilton?
Sorry.
Gruyere, emmental?
No.
Any norwegian jarlsberger?
No.
Liptauer?
No.
Lancashire?
No.
White stilton?
No.
Danish blue?
No.
Double gloucester?
No.
Cheshire?
No.
Any dorset blue vinney?
No.
Brie, roquefort
Pont-l'eveque,
port salut, savoyard
Saint-paulin,
carre-de-l'est
Boursin, bresse-bleue,
perle de champagne
Camembert?
Ah! we do have
some camembert.
You do. excellent.
It's a bit runny, sir.
Oh, i...
I like it runny.
Well, as a matter of fact,
it's... it's very runny, sir.
No matter,
no matter
Hand over le fromage
de la belle france
Qui s'appelle
camembert
S'il vous plait.
I think it's runnier
than you like it, sir.
I don't care
How excrementally
runny it is;
Hand it over
with all speed.
Yes, sir. oh...
What?
The cat's
eaten it.
Has he?
She, sir.
Gouda?
No.
Edam?
No.
Caithness?
No.
Smoked austrian?
No.
Sage derby?
No, sir.
You do have some cheese, do you?
Certainly, sir--
it's a cheese shop, sir.
We've got...
No, no, no,
don't tell me.
I'm keen to guess.
Fair enough.
Wensleydale?
Yes, sir.
Splendid.
Well, I'll have some
of that then, please.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir
I thought you were
referring to me--
mr. wensleydale.
Gorgonzola?
No.
Parmesan?
No.
Mozzarella?
No.
Pippo creme?
No.
Any danish fimboe?
No.
Czechoslovakian
sheep's milk cheese?
No.
Venezuelan beaver cheese?
Not today, sir, no.
Well, let's keep it simple.
How about cheddar?
Well, I'm afraid
we don't get much call for it
Around these parts, sir.
Much call?! it's the most
popular cheese in the world!
Not round these parts, sir.
And pray, what is
the most popular cheese
Round these parts?
Ilchester, sir.
I see.
Yes, sir, it's quite
staggeringly popular
In the manor, squire.
Is it?
Our number-one seller.
Is it?
Yes, sir.
Ilchester,
eh?
Right.
Okay, I'm game.
"have you got any?"
he asked
Expecting
the answer "no."
I'll have
a look, sir.
N...
No.
It's not much of a cheese shop,
really, is it?
Finest in the district, sir.
And what leads you
to that conclusion?
Well, it's so clean.
Well, it's certainly
uncontaminated by cheese.
You haven't asked me
about limburger, sir.
Is it worth it?
Could be.
Okay, have you...
Will you shut
that bloody dancing up?!
I told you so.
Have you got any limburger?
No.
No-- that figures.
It was pretty
predictable, really.
It was an act of pure optimism
To have posed the question
in the first place.
Tell me something
Do you have any
cheese at all?
Yes, sir.
Now, I'm going
to ask you that
question once more
And if you say "no"
I am going to shoot you
through the head.
Now, do you have
any cheese at all?
No.
What a senseless waste
of human life.
Hugh walpole's rogue cheddar--
One of the first
of the cheese westerns--
To be later followed by
gunfight at gruyere corral
Ilchester '73
And the cheese who shot
liberty valance.
While I'm on
the subject of westerns
I want to take a closer look
At one of my favorite
film directors--
Sam peckinpah, the expatriate
from fresno, california.
In his earliest films,
major dundee
The wild bunch and straw dogs
He showed his predilection
for the utterly truthful
And very sexually arousing
portrayal of violence
In its starkest form.
In his latest film
Peckinpah has moved into the
calmer and more lyrical waters
Of julian slade's salad days.
Hello,
everybody.
Hello, lionel.
I say, what a simply super day.
Gosh, yes.
It's so...
you know, sunny.
Yes, isn't it?
I say, anyone for tennis?
Oh, super!
What fun!
I say,
lionel, catch.
Oh, crikey!
Pretty strong meat there from...
Sam peckinpah.
The bbc would like to deny
the last apology.
It is very happy at home
And bbc 2 is bound
to go through this phase.
So from all of us here,
good night, sleep well
And have an absolutely
super day tomorrow.
Kiss, kiss.
We've just heard
That an explosion in the
kitchens of the house of lords
Has resulted in the breakage
of 17 storage jars.
Police have ruled out foul play.
Lemon curry?
Um, I'm sorry about the, uh...
the, uh... pause
Only I'm afraid the show is
a couple of minutes short
This week.
You know, sometimes the show's
aren't really quite as, uh...
As long as they ought to be.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Um, look, there's not really
a... a great deal of point
In your sort of hanging on
at your end
Because I'm afraid there aren't
any more jokes or anything.
It's...
Monty python's flying circuses.
The adventures of biggles.
Part one:"biggles
dictates a letter. "
Miss bladder, take a letter.
Yes, senor biggles.
Don't call
me "senor"!
Or group
captain biggles
Or mary biggles
if I'm dressed as my wife
But never senor!
Sorry.
I've never even been to spain.
You went to ibiza last year.
That's still no grounds
for calling me senor
Or "don beeg-les,"
for that matter.
Right. dear
king haakon...
"of norway,"
is that?
Just put down
what I say.
Do I put that down?
Course you don't put that down!
Well, what about that?
Look!
Don't put that down.
Just put down...
wait a mo, wait a mo.
Now, when I've got
these antlers on...
When I've got
these antlers on
I am dictating
And when I take them off,
I'm not dictating.
"I'm not dictating."
What?
Read that back.
"dear king haakon,
I'm not dictating.
What?"
No, no, no, no, you
loopy brothel inmate!
I've had
enough of this.
I'm not a
courtesan.
Oh, oh, courtesan--
oh, aren't we grand?
Harlot's not good
enough for us, eh?
Paramour, concubine,
fille de joie--
That's what
we are not.
Well, listen to me,
my fine fellow
You are
a bit of tail
That's what
you are.
I am not, you demented
fictional character.
Algy says you are.
He says you're
no better than
you should be.
And how would
he know?
And just what do
you mean by that?
Are you calling
My old fictional
comrade-in-arms
a fairy?
Fairy! poof's not good
enough for algy, is it?
He's got to be a bleedin' fairy.
Mincing old r.a.f. queen.
Algy, I have
to see you.
Righto.
What ho, everyone.
Are you gay?
I should bally well
say so, old fruit.
Ugh! dear king haakon...
Oh. dear king haakon
Just a line to thank
you for the eels.
Mary thought they were
really scrummy, comma
So did i, full stop.
I've just heard that algy was
a poof, exclamation mark.
What would captain w.e. johns
have said, question mark.
Sorry to mench, but if you've
finished with the lawn edger
Could you pop it
in the post?
Love, biggles,
algy deceased,
and ginger.
Ginger?
What?
Rhyming slang--
ginger beer.
Oh.
Ginger.
Hello, sweetie.
I have to see you.
Yes, biggles?
Are you a poof?
I should say not!
Thank god for that.
Good lad, stout fellow, salt of
the earth, backbone of england.
Funny, he looks like a poof.
Dear princess margaret...
Hello.
Get back in the cupboard, you
pantomimetic royal person!
Lemon curry?
Dear real princess margaret
Thank you for the eels,
full stop.
They were absolutely delicious
And unmistakably
regal, full stop.
Sorry to mench, but if you've
finished with the hairdryer
Could you pop it in the post?
Yours fictionally, biggles.
Oh, p.s.-- see you at the saxe-
coburgs' canasta evening.
That should puzzle her.
Si, senor beeg-les.
Silence, naughty
lady of the night!
Next week, part two:
"biggles flies undone. "
Ugh!
Meanwhile, not very far away...
Climbing-- the world's
loneliest sport
Where hardship and philosophy
go hand in glove.
And here, another british
expedition attempting to be
The first man
to successfully climb
The north face
of the uxbridge road.
This four-man rope has been
climbing tremendously.
Bbc cameras were there
to film every inch.
The major assault on the
uxbridge road has been going on
For about three weeks
Really ever since they
established base camp
Here at the junction
of willesden road.
From there they climbed steadily
to establish camp two
Outside lewis's, and it's taken
them another three days
To establish camp three
here outside the post office.
Well, they've spent
a good night in there last night
In preparation
for the final assault today.
The leader of the expedition
is 29-year-old bert tagg
A local headmaster
and mother of three.
Bert, how's
it going?
It's a bit gripping,
is this, chris.
I've got to try and
reach that bus stop
In an hour or so
And I'm doing it
by... damn...
I'm doing it by layback
up this gutter
So I'm kind of
guttering
And laying back
at the same time
And philosophizing.
Uh, bert, some people
say this is crazy.
Aye, well, they said
crippen was crazy,
didn't they?
Well, crippen
was crazy.
Oh, well, there
you are, then.
Eh, john? I'm
sending you down
This carabiner
on white.
Lemon curry?
Now, you see,
he's putting in
a peg down there
Because I'm quite
a way up now
And if I come
unstuck here
I go down quite
a long way.
Such quiet courage is typical
Of the way these brave chaps
shrug off danger.
Like it or not,
you've got to admire
The skill that goes into it.
Oh, it's terrible
up on deck.
Up on deck?
Yeah, on deck it's
diabolical weather.
Uh, what deck, dear?
The deck-- the deck
of the lifeboat.
This isn't a
lifeboat, dear.
This is
24 parker street.
This is the newhaven lifeboat.
No, it's not, dear.
You're right.
This isn't
a lifeboat at all.
No, I wouldn't live
here if it was.
Do you mind if I sit down for
a minute and collect my wits?
No, you do that.
I'll make a nice cup of tea.
Thanks very much.
Ooh, it's a wild night up top.
Your turn on deck
soon, charlie.
It's not a
lifeboat, frank.
What?
What do you mean?
It's not
a lifeboat ;
It's this
lady's house.
Captain! captain, ahoy there!
Ahoy there!
Ahoy there!
Ahoy there!
Captain!
Who's that shouting?
There's a man outside number 24.
Try it on the five-inch, gladys.
I cant, I've got that fixed
on the baileys at number 13.
Their new lodger moves in today.
All right, hold 13
on the five-inch
And transfer the cartwrights
to the digital scanner.
Oh, okay.
Hold on! mrs. pettigrew's
coming back from the doctor's.
Ooh, bring her up on two.
What's the duration rating
on the oscillator?
48.47.
Well, that's
a long time
For someone who's just
had a routine checkup.
Yes, her pulse
rate's 146.
Ooh, zoom in
on the 16-mil and
hold her, enid.
Roger, gladys.
I'll try and get her
on the 12-inch.
Move the curtain, enid.
Thank you, love.
Yes, it's one of those
self-righting models.
Newhaven was about
the first place
In the country
to get one.
What's the
displacement
On one of them
jobs, then?
Oh, about
140, 150...
Who's for fruit cake?
Oh, yes, please.
Yes? right, macaroons...
That's two dozen fruit cakes,
half a dozen macaroons.
Won't be a jiffy, then.
Yoo-hoo! mrs. edwards!
Hello.
Hello, love.
I want two dozen
fruit cakes
And half a dozen
macaroons.
Oh, sorry, love,
no macaroons.
How about a nice
vanilla sponge?
Yes, that'd
be lovely.
Righto.
Ooh, there's that
nice herring trawler
Come for their
kup kakes-- excuse me.
Righto.
Hello! captain smith!
Hello!
Kup kakes to starboard!
Coming!
Head out there!
If you want I'll
get your things.
Oh, yes,
throw 'em in.
I'll pay you
At the end of
the week, then,
all right?
Okay, righto.
All right.
Rule, britannia...
Ooh, it's the ark royal, doris!
Have you got their
rock buns ready?
Hang on!
Here we are,
five for them
And five for
h.m.s. eagle.
Righto.
Yes?
H.m.s. defiant,
two set teas, please.
Two set teas, doris.
That'll be 48 pence.
Here we are,
thank you.
By the way, do
you do lunches?
No, morning coffees
and teas only.
Righto, dear.
Good evening, and welcome to
another edition of storage jars.
On tonight's program
Mikos antoniarkis,
the greek rebel leader
Who seized power
in athens this morning
Tells us what he keeps
in storage jars.
From strife-torn bolivia
Ronald rodgers reports
on storage jars there.
And closer to home
The first dramatic pictures
of the mass jailbreak
Near the storage jar factory
in maidenhead.
All this and more
in storage jars.
This is la paz, bolivia.
Behind me, you can hear
the thud of mortar
And the high-pitched
whine of rockets
As the battle for control
of this volatile republic shakes
The foundations
of this old city.
But whatever their
political inclinations
These bolivians are all
keen users of storage jars.
Here the largest size is used
for rice and for mangos
A big local crop.
And unlike most revolutionary
south american states
They've an intermediary size
In between the two-pound
and five-pound jars.
This gives this
poor-but-proud people
A useful jar for apricots,
plums and stock cubes.
The smallest jar,
this little two-ounce jar
For sweets, chocolates
and even little shallots.
No longer used in the west
It remains here as an unspoken
monument to the days
When la paz knew better times.
Ronald rodgers,
storage jars, la paz.
In london, the prime minister
met officials
From the department of
the environment to discuss...
A cassette tape recorder
is to replace
The salon quartets and trios
Which have played beside the
potted palms of manchester...
...has caused a switch
to taped music
Which will be relayed over
a new public address system
Replacing one which relayed
both music and the...
Stock market prices
hit record levels
On the last day of the year.
The financial times index
rose 3.7 points to 476.5...
...but the bbc has reported
That radio free solent,
a pirate station
Was marking the first
birthday of the...
Henry! turn that television off!
You know it's bad for your eyes!
Ah, that's better.
Henry, will you stop
sitting around?
Yes, dear.
There's an entire tv studio
Waiting around for you
to do the next link!
And when you've got that done
I've gone some
more work for you!
Yes, dear.
Henry, do you hear me?
Henry!
Henry, get a move on!
Now, you sod!
That's better.
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two,
hut-two, hut-two!
Hello, I'm the good fairy
from program control
Where we're all grateful
for your work on this link
So much so that I'm
here to release you
From the evil spell
you've been under.
Huh?
Hmm, well, it doesn't
always work the first time.
Thank you,
thank you.
No, no need to.
You see, it's all in a day's
work for program control.
Hello, the show so far...
Well, it all started with
the organist losing his clothes
As he sat down at the organ
And after this had happened, uh
And we had seen
the titles of the show, we...
We saw biggles dictating
a letter to his secretary
Who thought he was spanish
And whom he referred to
as a "harlot"
And a "woman of the night"
Although she preferred
to be called a "courtesan."
Uh, then we saw some people
Trying to climb
a road in uxbridge
And then there were
some cartoons and...
And then some lifeboat men came
into a woman's sitting room
And, uh, after a bit
The woman went out to buy
some, uh, cakes on a lifeboat.
And then, uh, a n... a naval
officer jumped into the sea.
Uh, then we saw a man telling us
about storage jars from bolivia
And then there were
some more cartoons.
And then a... a man told us
About what happened
on the show so far
And a great hammer came
and hit him on the head.
I don't remember that.
Lemon curry?
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
Um... I was sitting
In the public library
in thurmond street just now
Skimming through
rogue herries by horace walpole
When i, um,
suddenly came over all peckish.
Peckish, sir?
Esurient.
Eh?
Eee, I were all hungry, like.
Oh, hungry.
In a nutshell.
So I thought to myself
A little fermented curd
would do the trick
So I curtailed my walpolling
activities, sallied forth
And infiltrated
your place of purveyance
To negotiate the vending
of some cheesy comestibles.
Come again?
I want to buy some cheese!
Ah... I thought you were
complaining about the music.
Oh, heaven forbid.
I am one who delights
In all manifestations
of the terpsichorean muse.
Sorry.
I like a nice dance--
You're forced to.
Anyway.
Who said that?
Now, my good man,
some cheese, please.
Yes, certainly, sir.
what would you like?
Well, uh, how about
a little red leicester?
I'm afraid we're fresh out
of red leicester, sir.
Never mind.
how are you on tilsit?
Never at the end
of the week, sir.
Always get it fresh
first thing on monday.
Tish, tish.
No matter, um...
Well, four ounces of caerphilly,
then, if you please
Stout yeoman.
Ah, well, it's been on
order for two weeks, sir.
I was expecting it
this morning.
Yes, it's not
my day, is it?
Uh, bel paese?
Sorry.
Red windsor?
Uh, normally,
sir, yes...
But today
the van broke down.
Ah... uh, stilton?
Sorry.
Gruyere, emmental?
No.
Any norwegian jarlsberger?
No.
Liptauer?
No.
Lancashire?
No.
White stilton?
No.
Danish blue?
No.
Double gloucester?
No.
Cheshire?
No.
Any dorset blue vinney?
No.
Brie, roquefort
Pont-l'eveque,
port salut, savoyard
Saint-paulin,
carre-de-l'est
Boursin, bresse-bleue,
perle de champagne
Camembert?
Ah! we do have
some camembert.
You do. excellent.
It's a bit runny, sir.
Oh, i...
I like it runny.
Well, as a matter of fact,
it's... it's very runny, sir.
No matter,
no matter
Hand over le fromage
de la belle france
Qui s'appelle
camembert
S'il vous plait.
I think it's runnier
than you like it, sir.
I don't care
How excrementally
runny it is;
Hand it over
with all speed.
Yes, sir. oh...
What?
The cat's
eaten it.
Has he?
She, sir.
Gouda?
No.
Edam?
No.
Caithness?
No.
Smoked austrian?
No.
Sage derby?
No, sir.
You do have some cheese, do you?
Certainly, sir--
it's a cheese shop, sir.
We've got...
No, no, no,
don't tell me.
I'm keen to guess.
Fair enough.
Wensleydale?
Yes, sir.
Splendid.
Well, I'll have some
of that then, please.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir
I thought you were
referring to me--
mr. wensleydale.
Gorgonzola?
No.
Parmesan?
No.
Mozzarella?
No.
Pippo creme?
No.
Any danish fimboe?
No.
Czechoslovakian
sheep's milk cheese?
No.
Venezuelan beaver cheese?
Not today, sir, no.
Well, let's keep it simple.
How about cheddar?
Well, I'm afraid
we don't get much call for it
Around these parts, sir.
Much call?! it's the most
popular cheese in the world!
Not round these parts, sir.
And pray, what is
the most popular cheese
Round these parts?
Ilchester, sir.
I see.
Yes, sir, it's quite
staggeringly popular
In the manor, squire.
Is it?
Our number-one seller.
Is it?
Yes, sir.
Ilchester,
eh?
Right.
Okay, I'm game.
"have you got any?"
he asked
Expecting
the answer "no."
I'll have
a look, sir.
N...
No.
It's not much of a cheese shop,
really, is it?
Finest in the district, sir.
And what leads you
to that conclusion?
Well, it's so clean.
Well, it's certainly
uncontaminated by cheese.
You haven't asked me
about limburger, sir.
Is it worth it?
Could be.
Okay, have you...
Will you shut
that bloody dancing up?!
I told you so.
Have you got any limburger?
No.
No-- that figures.
It was pretty
predictable, really.
It was an act of pure optimism
To have posed the question
in the first place.
Tell me something
Do you have any
cheese at all?
Yes, sir.
Now, I'm going
to ask you that
question once more
And if you say "no"
I am going to shoot you
through the head.
Now, do you have
any cheese at all?
No.
What a senseless waste
of human life.
Hugh walpole's rogue cheddar--
One of the first
of the cheese westerns--
To be later followed by
gunfight at gruyere corral
Ilchester '73
And the cheese who shot
liberty valance.
While I'm on
the subject of westerns
I want to take a closer look
At one of my favorite
film directors--
Sam peckinpah, the expatriate
from fresno, california.
In his earliest films,
major dundee
The wild bunch and straw dogs
He showed his predilection
for the utterly truthful
And very sexually arousing
portrayal of violence
In its starkest form.
In his latest film
Peckinpah has moved into the
calmer and more lyrical waters
Of julian slade's salad days.
Hello,
everybody.
Hello, lionel.
I say, what a simply super day.
Gosh, yes.
It's so...
you know, sunny.
Yes, isn't it?
I say, anyone for tennis?
Oh, super!
What fun!
I say,
lionel, catch.
Oh, crikey!
Pretty strong meat there from...
Sam peckinpah.
The bbc would like to deny
the last apology.
It is very happy at home
And bbc 2 is bound
to go through this phase.
So from all of us here,
good night, sleep well
And have an absolutely
super day tomorrow.
Kiss, kiss.
We've just heard
That an explosion in the
kitchens of the house of lords
Has resulted in the breakage
of 17 storage jars.
Police have ruled out foul play.
Lemon curry?
Um, I'm sorry about the, uh...
the, uh... pause
Only I'm afraid the show is
a couple of minutes short
This week.
You know, sometimes the show's
aren't really quite as, uh...
As long as they ought to be.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Um, look, there's not really
a... a great deal of point
In your sort of hanging on
at your end
Because I'm afraid there aren't
any more jokes or anything.