Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 10 - E. Henry Thripshaw's Disease - full transcript

Morning, sir,
can I help you?

Oh, yes, I wondered
if you have

Any part-time vacancies
on your books.

Part-time, I'll
have a look, sir.

See we've got,
uh... ah, yes.

Sir walter raleigh
is equipping

Another expedition
to virginia.

He needs traders
and sailors.

Vittlers needed

At the court
of philip of spain.

Oh, yeah,
and they want



Master joiners
and craftsmen

For the building of
the globe theater.

I see, haven't you got
anything a bit more modern?

You know, like
a job on the buses

Or digging
the underground?

Well, no,
we only have tudor jobs.

That can't be very profitable,
can it?

Well, you'd be surprised,
actually, sir.

The tudor economy's booming

Ever since
sir humphrey gilbert

Opened up
the northwest passage to cathay

And the cabots'
expansion in canada

There's been a tremendous
surge in exports

And trade with the
holy roman empire is going...



No, quite right,
it's no good at all.

What?

It's a dead loss.

We haven't put anyone
in a job since 1625.

I see.

That's all?

What?

That's all you say?

Yes.

No, no, we were
the tops then.

Drake got all his sailors here.

Elizabeth, we supplied the
archbishops for her coronation.

Shakespeare started off
from here as a temp.

Then came
james i

And the bottom fell out of
the tudor jobs.

1603-- 800 vacancies filled.

1604-- 4o.

1605-- none.

1606-- none.

The rest of
the stuart period-- nothing.

Hanoverians-- nothing.

Victorians-- nothing.

Saxe-coburgs-- nothing.

Windsors... what did you want?

Dirty books, please.

Right.

Sir, sorry about
the tudor bit.

But you can't be
too careful, you know?

Have you got
anything a bit, uh...?

Stronger? hold on.

My lord of warwick!

'allo!

Raise high
the drawbridge.

Gloucester's troops
approach.

Right!

Can't be too careful,
you know, sir.

There's bridget,
queen of the whip.

Yes...

Or there's
naughty nora.

No...

Or there's
this one:

Doug, bob and gordon
visit the ark royal.

Or there's sister teresa,
the spanking nun.

You don't have
anything specifically

About devon
and cornwall?

No, I'm afraid not, sir.

The one I was
really after was

Arthur hotchkiss'
devonshire country churches.

Well, how about this,
sir-- bum biters?

No, not really.

And I don't suppose you've got

Any general surveys of
english church architecture?

It's not really our line, sir.

No, I see, well, never mind.

I'll just take the lord
lieutenant in nylons then

And I'll trade in these two copies
of piggie parade.

Right, sir.

My lord
of warwick!

'allo?

Raise high
the drawbridge.

Gloucester's
troops approach!

Right!

Just these, then.

All right,
this is a raid.

My name is
superintendent gaskell

And this is
sergeant maddox.

Sir phillip sidney,
'tis good to see thee

On these shores again.

Shut up.

Your suit is fair
and goodly cut.

Was't from antwerp?

Shut up. it's a disguise.

Right! confiscate
the smutty books, maddox.

Sir phillip, prithee nay!

Listen, mate

Don't come that
phillip sidney bit with me.

I'm not a bloody tudor at all.

I'm gaskell of the vice squad
and this is sergeant maddox.

Maddox?!

Where's he gone?

Sir phillip, prithee
rest awhile.

Look, this is
the last time

I'm warning you.

I'm not sir phillip
bleeding sidney.

I am superintendent
harold gaskell

And this is a raid.

That'll be
540 quid, sir.

Oh, I'll just have
this one then.

Maddox!

Look, this is a raid...

Honestly.

I promise you.

Where are you going?

I'm going home.

Right.

Well, I'll remember you.

Don't you worry,
I'll remember you.

Pray, good
sir phillip...

Don't you start.

Maddox!

Listen, I can prove
to you I'm a policeman.

I'll give the names
of all the men

Down in "f" division
at acton.

Inspector arthur perry

Superintendent charles frodwell,
my best friend

Police dogs butch,
wolf, panther, maudling.

How would
I know those names

If I was
sir phillip sidney?

Vicar, vicar,
you know me.

The gargoyle club.

I got you
off the charge.

Farewell, good
sir phillip.

Hey, stop!

Maddox!

You'll never get away with this,
you porn merchant!

Blimey!

Maddox?

Maddox!

Oh, good sir, how glad I am
to see thee come.

Forgive me weeping,
but my love has gone.

Uh, listen,
my name is gaskell...

Superintendent gaskell
of vice squad.

Myself and
sergeant maddox...

Are on a raid.

We are not tudor people.

We are the police.

Frances, what idleness is this?

Why, good sir
phillip sidney!

What hast thou here?

You are sir
phillip sidney?

Possibly...

But I may be
superintendent gaskell

Of the vice squad.

Ah, good, sir phillip

Thy sharp-tongued wit
has not deserted thee.

Come, let us
eat and drink.

Stay with us awhile.

All right, sir,
I think I will.

Then... then did we bust
the harry tony mob

Who did seek to import

Scandinavian filth
via germany.

For six years they
cleaned up a packet.

The day I got whiff of them
through a squealer

Did, within a week,
a mop-up right good.

They're now languishing

Doing five years'
bird in parkhurst.

Sir phillip!

The spaniards
have landed

In the
netherlands.

My lord walsingham needs
you there forthwith.

Let's go.

Good luck, sir phillip!

Fight against filth!

Where are
the spaniards?

Down below, sir phillip.

Their first boats
are landing even now.

Right, you stay here,
I'll go and get them.

Sir phillip, not alone!

'allo, 'allo!

What's going
on here?

Is nothing, senor,
is just some literature.

I know what literature is,
you dago dustbin.

I also know
what porn is.

What's this then, eh?

Is one of lope de vega's
latest plays, senor.

Toledo tit parade?

What kind of a play is that?

Is very visual, senor.

Right, I'm taking
this lot in

In the name of her gracious majesty
queen elizabeth.

Oh, but senor.

Don't give me
any trouble.

Just pile up these
baskets of filth

And come with me.

No!

The battle raged long and hard

But as night fell,
sidney overcame the spaniards.

6,000 copies of tits and bums

And 4,000 copies of shower
sheila were seized that day.

The tide of spanish porn
was stemmed.

Sir phillip sidney returned
to london in triumph.

Covered in glory

Sir phillip rode home
to penshurst

To see his beloved wife.

But all was not well.

Good evening all,
my love.

I have returned safe
from the low countries.

What art thou
reading, fair one?

Oh, it is nothing,
husband.

I can see 'tis
something.

Uh... 'tis one of shakespeare's
latest works.

Oh...

Gay boys in bondage.

What, is't--
tragedy? comedy?

Uh... 'tis, uh...

'tis a story of a...
a man's great love

For his... fellow men.

How fortunate
we are indeed

To have such a poet
on these shores.

Indeed.

How was the war,
my lord?

The spaniards were
defeated thrice.

Six dozen chests
of hard-core captured.

Hast brought home
any spoils of war?

Yes, good my wife.

This fair coat
trimmed with ermine.

Oh, lovely.

Nowt else?

No, no, fair lady,
the rest was too smutty.

Now, my good wife, while
I rest, read to me a while

From shakespeare's
gay boys in bondage.

Uh...

Yes, my lord.

Gay boys in bondage.

"ken, 25, is a mounted policeman
with a difference

"and, what a difference!

"even roger
is surprised

"and he's...
he's used to real men.

'tis like hamlet.

What a genius!

"but who is going to do
the cooking tonight?

Roddy's got a mouthful..."

All right!

This is a raid.

Oh, we are disgraced.

There you are, maddox.

Cut the chat
and get in the van.

Maddox,
you recognize me.

Indeed I do,
sir phillip sidney

And sad I am
to see you

Caught up in this
morass of filth.

Ooh, that's a long one.

Oh, oh, the glorious name
of sidney is besmirched.

All is lost,
oh, alas the day!

Shut up!
I know this man.

It's me old mate,
sergeant maddox.

You'll do time
for this.

Oh, maddox,
it's me, gaskell--

"f" division
down at acton.

Inspector
arthur frodwell...

Come on, sidney.

And you, miss.

I'm not sir phillip
bleeding sidney.

Where were you?

We could have mopped up
that tudor shop.

Ooh, that's a good one.

It's me,
it's gaskell.

Yes, I'll explain
this to you

When I get back
at the station

That you've got
the wrong man!

Prithee, what is't
that here I hold?

If is't be brian's,
than to fight I go.

But, no.

Alas, if fortune doth
perceive, I am undone.

No, cyril
must not know.

But no, yes, no...
ah, ah, ah, resolved.

But, hark,
someone approaching.

Take heed, my lord

Kevin and bruce
are here.

It's so nice here,
isn't it, darling?

Oh, it's beautiful.

It's... it's paris
all over again.

Excuse me, do you mind
if I join you?

Uh... no, no,
not at all.

Are you sure
you don't mind?

Uh, yes, yes,
absolutely.

You're sure I won't
be disturbing you?

No, no.

You're absolutely sure
I won't be disturbing you?

No, no, really.

Good, because I don't
want to disturb you.

I'm sorry?

I don't want to disturb you

Especially as
you're being so kind

About me
not disturbing you.

We don't mind,
do we, darling?

No, no, darling.

Good, so I can go ahead

And join you then,
can i?

Yes, yes.
yes, please.

Won't be disturbing?

No, no.
no, no, no.

Good, good,
you're very kind.

A lot of people are
far less understanding

Than you are.

A lot of people take offense
while I even talk to them

Let alone when
I specifically tell them

About my... being disturbing.

Well, it's not particularly
disturbing.

No, absolutely,
absolutely.

That's what
I always say.

But you'd be amazed...

You'd be amazed
at the number of people

Who really don't want me.

Too-too, too-too-too

Too-too-too, too-too-too

Too, too, too, too

Too-too, too-too-too, too.

Too-too, too-too-too...

I mean, even doing this
gets people looking at me

In the most extraordinary way.

Vicar, we must be getting on.

I knew I'd disturb you,
I knew I'd disturb you.

It always happens.

Whenever I've found someone

I really think I'm going
to be able to get on with...

No, the thing is,
we're going to be late...

Darling, come on, let's stay.

Well, just
a little bit.

I mean, we will
be late if we don't...

Oh, thank you,
you're very kind.

Too-too, too-too-too

Too-too-too, too-too-too

Too, too, too, too...

Too-too, too-too-too...

As it turned out

Our chance meeting with
the reverend arthur belling

Was to change
our whole way of life

And every sunday

We'd hurry along to st. loony
up the cream bun and jam...

Congregation:
too-too, too-too-too

Too-too-too, too-too-too

Too, too, too, too...

And now...

It's...

Monty python's
flying circuseses.

Right, sir, one safari snowball.

That comes to funt1,361.48

And we'll throw
the nude man in for free.

All right, gentlemen,
last orders, please.

Oh, do you want a drink
before they close?

No, I want a kiss.

Oh, goody.

And so they lived
happily ever after.

But now...

The "free repetition of doubtful words
skit, spoof, jape, or vignette"

By a very underrated writer.

I have come

For some free repetition
of doubtful words

On an inland telegram.

Have you the telegram
in question?

I have the
very thing here.

Well, slip it to me,
my good chap

And let me eye
the contents.

At once, mr. telegram
enquiry man.

Thank you,
mr. customer man.

Ha-ho! "parling,
I glove you.

"clease clome
at bronce.

Your troving
swife, pat."

Which was the word
you wanted checking?

"pat."

"pat"?

My wife's name is
not pat at all.

No?

It's bat
with a "b."

And therefore
I will take

A quick look
in the book.

Ripping.

You're quite
right, old cock.

There has been
a mistake.

I thought as much.

What really
does it say?

It say, "go away, you
silly little bleeder

"I am having
another man.

Love, bat."

Quite some error.

Yes, she wouldn't
call herself pat.

It's silly.

Daft, I call it.

Well, it has been a pleasure
working with you.

For me, also, it has
been a pleasure.

And that concludes
our little skit.

The "free repetition
of doubtful words thing"

By a justly underrated writer.

The end.

Good evening,
tonight on is there?

We examine the question,
"is there a life after death?"

And here to discuss it
are three dead people...

The late sir brian hardaker

Former curator
of the imperial war museum

The late professor thynne

Until recently an academic
critic and broadcaster

And putting the point of view
of the church of england

The very late
prebendary reverend ross.

Gentlemen, is there a life
after death or not?

Sir brian?

Professor?

Prebendary?

Well, there we have it--
three say "no."

On is there? next week,
we'll be discussing the question

"is there enough of it about?"

Until then, good night.

Good doctor
morning.

Nice year for
the time of day.

Come in.

Can I down sit?

Certainly.

Well, then?

Well, I'm not going

To bush the doctor
about the beat too long.

I'm going to come to point
the straight immediately.

Good, good.

My particular prob

Or buglem bear, I've had ages.

For years,
I've had it for donkeys.

What?

I'm up to here with it.

I'm sick to death.

I can't take you any longer

So I've come
to see it.

Ah, now, this is
your problem with words.

This is my
problem with words.

Oh, that seems
to have cleared it.

Oh, I come from alabama
with my banjo on my knee

Yes, that seems
to be all right.

Thank you very much.

I see, uh, but recently
you have been having

This problem
with your word order.

Well, absolutely,
and what makes it worse

Is that sometimes
at the end of a sentence

I'll come out
with the wrong fuse box.

"fuse box"?

And the thing about
saying the wrong word

Is that "a," I don't notice it

And "b," sometimes
orange water given

Bucket of plaster.

Yes, tell me more
about your problem.

Well, as I say,
you'd just be talking

And out'll pudenda
the wrong word

And ashtray's
your uncle.

I'm awfully
strawberry about it.

Upset?

It's so embarrassing

When my wife and i
go to an orgy.

A party?

No, an orgy.

We live in esher.

Quite.

That's what I said.

It's such a bloody
whack the diddle-o

Fal-di-ral, fa-di-da,
lo-di-do-di-do-fum-fum.

Mr. burrows, this is
no common problem.

You are suffering
from a disease so rare

That it hasn't got
a name-- not yet.

But it will
have, oh, yes!

This is the opportunity
I've been waiting for--

The chance of a lifetime!

I'll show them at
the royal college of surgeons.

I'll make them sit up
and take notice.

Thripshaw's disease!

Discovered by
e. henry thripshaw, m.d.

I'll be invited on call my
bluff, and the merchandising--

There'll be
e. henry thripshaw t-shirts!

I'll turn it into a game!

I'll sell the film rights!

That clip... comes from the
new david o. seltzer... film.

The author...

Of that film clip...

Is with me...

Now.

Dr. e. henry...

Thripshaw.

Well, I feel that they've missed
the whole point of my disease.

This is...

Always the problem... with...

Directors...

Of film...

Clips.

Yes, well, you see

They've dragged in
all this irrelevant mush.

What...

Are you doing...

Now?

Well, at the present moment,
I'm working on a new disease

Which I hope to turn
into a musical...

But primarily, we are working
on a remake of my first disease

And this time we're hoping
to do it properly.

Well...

Let's just...

Take a...

Look at this new...

Film...

Clip.

Well, now, what seems
to be the matter?

The next sketch follows
after some silly noises.

Come in.

I wondered if
I could have

A word with you
for a moment.

By all means,
by all means, sir.

Do sit down.

Uh... sit on
the desk here.

Oh, thank you.

Now then,
glass of sherry?

No, thank you.

Are you sure?

I'm going to have some.

Well, if you're
having some

Yes, then
perhaps, vicar.

Oh, there's only
just enough for me.

Well, in that case

I won't,
don't worry.

You see, if I split
what's left

Well, there'd hardly be
any left for me at all.

Well, I'm not a great
sherry drinker.

Good, so I can
have it all.

Now then, what's
the problem?

Well, just
recently

I've begun to
worry about...

Oh!

Found another bottle.

You can have some
now if you want to.

Oh, well then, yes,
perhaps a little.

Oh, you don't have to,
I can drink the whole bottle.

Um, in that case, no.

Good, that's another
bottle for me-- right.

I've begun to worry
recently that...

Come in!

Vicar:
ah, mr. husband.

This is mr. kirkham,
one of my parishioners.

This is mr. husband

Of the british
sherry corporation.

Look, look, perhaps
I better come back later.

No, no, no,
do stay here.

Have a sherry.

You won't be long,
will you, husband?

Oh, no, vicar,
just a question

Of signing
a few forms.

There we are.

There we are,
mr. husband.

Now, how about
you, mr. kirkham?

Well, only if
there's enough.

Ah, well, there's
not much now.

Oh... in that case,
no, I won't.

Good. right.

Right, now then.

What is the
problem, husband?

Well, vicar, I've made
enquiries with our shippers

And the most sherry
they can ship in any one load

Is 12,000 gallons.

And how many glasses is that?

That's roughly
540,000 glasses, vicar.

That's excellent,
husband, excellent.

Yes, it means you can still keep
your main sherry supply

On the roof, but you can
have an emergency supply

Underneath the vestry,
of 5,000 gallons.

Or I could have
dry sherry on the roof

And amontillado
in the underground tank.

Absolutely.

Excellent
work, husband

Excellent work.

Not at all,
vicar.

You're one of
our best customers--

You and the
united states.

Bye-bye, terrific.

Now, then, mr. kirkham,
I am so sorry, do go on.

Well, it's just
that recently

I've begun to
worry about...

Well, look, does
the bible intend...

Amontillado!

Amontillado!

Amontillado!

Hey, hey, hey!

Amontillado!

Amontillado!

From the old land of spain,
we come to honor you

Arriba! arriba!

From miles and miles away,
we salute you.

You make us so,
so happy in spain

Reverend tomlinson...

Ole!

What did you want?

Dirty books, please.

Right.

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