Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Attila the Hun Show - full transcript
"The Attila the Hun Show"; a burlesque performance by government ministers; a documentary study of village idiots. Also: political groupies pursue MPs.
Narrator:
IN THE FIFTH CENTURY
AS THE ONCE-MIGHTY
ROMAN EMPIRE CRUMBLED
THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF WESTERN
EUROPE LA Y INVITINGLY EXPOSED
TO THE BARBARIAN
HORDES TO THE EAST.
ALARIC THE VISIGOTH,
GAISERIC THE VANDAL
AND THEODORIC THE OSTROGOTH
IN TURN SWEPT WESTWARD
IN A REIGN OF TERROR.
BUT NONE SURPASSED
IN POWER AND CRUELTY
THE MIGHTYATTILA THE HUN.
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
IT'S THEATTILA THE HUN SHOW.
( audience laughter )
(The Debbie ReynoLds Show
theme song plays )
Man:
WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE
OPEN YOUR HEART AND
SEE WHERE IT'S NEEDED
WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE
FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART
WHEN YOU'VE SUCCEEDED
MAKING ALL THE SENSE OF LIFE
GETTING SOME SUN
IN YOUR LIFE
MAKING ALL
THE CLOUDS ROLL BY
GETTING SOME SUN
IN YOUR LIFE
AND YOU CAN LIGHT
LIGHT UP A GLOOM-CAST SKY
COLOR THE GLOOMIEST DAY
CHASE ALL YOUR CARES AWAY
WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE
WITH A LITTLE LOVE
Chorus:
JUSTA LITTLE LOVE
WITH A LITTLE LOVE...
Narrator:
IN THE SECOND QUARTER
OF THE FIFTH CENTURY
THE HUNS BECAMEA BYWORD
FOR MERCILESS SA VAGERY.
THEIR KHAN WAS
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR, ATTILA.
WITH HIS DEVASTATING ARMIES,
HE SWEPTACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.
( in American accent ):
OH, DARLING, I'M HOME!
( canned laughter )
HELLO, DARLING.
HAVE A BUSY DAY
AT THE OFFICE?
NOT AT ALL BAD.
ANOTHER MERCILESS SWEEP
ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.
( canned laughter )
WELL, I WON'T SAY
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU
BUT, BOY, AM I
GLAD TO SEE YOU!
( canned laughter )
( canned cheering )
HI, DADDY.
( canned laughter )
HI, DADDY.
( canned laughter )
HI, JENNY, HI, ROBBY.
( canned cheering )
HEY, I'VE GOT A PRESENT
FOR YOU TWO KIDS
IN THAT BAG.
IN THAT BAG.
( canned laughter )
I WANT YOU KIDS
TO GET "A-HEAD."
( canned laughter and cheering )
HEAH YOU ARE, MISTER HUN.
( canned applause )
HI, UNCLE TOM.
THERE'S A WHOLE HORDE
O' DEM MARAUDIN' VISIGOTHS
TO SEE Y'ALL.
( canned laughter )
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S...
( canned cheering )
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]
( music ends with fart )
YES, IT'SATTILA THE NUN!
A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL WHO TOOK
A VOW OF ETERNAL BRUTALITY.
( grunting, growling )
NURSE!
HELLO, MISS NORRIS,
HOW ARE YOU?
NOT TOO BAD,
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
YES, WELL, I THINK
I'D BETTER EXAMINE YOU.
UM, WHAT ARE
THEY DOING HERE?
Doctor:
UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT
THEY'RE STUDENTS.
UM... LIGHT,
PLEASE, NURSE.
OH, AND UH, MUSIC, TOO.
( striptease musicplays )
BREATHE IN... OUT.
Doctor:
IN... OUT.
IN...
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
CHARLES CROMPTON,
THE STRIPPING DOCTOR.
AND NEXT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES,
HERE AT THE PEEPHOLE CLUB
FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME,
A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE
FOR THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.
GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO RESTATE
OUR POSITION
ON AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES
AND THEIR EFFECT ON OUR
COMMONWEALTH RELATIONSHIPS.
( striptease musicplaying )
NOW, ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE,
THEORETICALLY
IN ENDING GUARANTEED FARM PRICES
WE ALSO BELIEVE IN THE NEED
FOR A CORRESPONDING IMPORT LEVY
TO MAINTAIN CONSUMER PRICES
AT A REALISTIC LEVEL.
BUT THIS WOULD HAVE
THE EFFECT OF CONSOLIDATING
OUR GAINS OF THE PREVIOUS
FISCAL YEAR PRIOR TO THE ENTRY.
BUT I PLEDGE THAT,
SHOULD WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET
EVEN MAINTAINING THE PRESENT
POSITION ON SUBSIDIES
WE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE,
WE WILL NEVER COMPROMISE
OUR UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES.
A PRICES STRUCTURE RELATED
TO ANY IMPORT CHARGES
WILL BE SYSTEMATICALLY ADJUSTED
TO THE PARTICULAR REQUIREMENTS
OF OUR COMMONWEALTH PARTNERS.
( laughter )
SO THAT TOGETHER
WE WILL MAINTAIN
A POSITIVE AND MUTUALLY
BENEFICIAL ALLIANCE
IN WORLD TRADE
AND FOR WORLD PEACE.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
( scattered applause )
WASN'T HE MARVELOUS?
THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.
AND NOW, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES,
A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE
FOR THE MINISTER OF PENSIONS
AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY.
( belly dancing musicplays )
( "Pomp and
Circumstance"plays )
Narrator:
YES, TODA Y IN BRITAIN THERE IS
A NEW WA VE OF INTEREST
IN POLITICSAND POLITICIANS.
WELL, WE'RE IN IT
FOR THE LOBBYING, YOU KNOW.
WE JUST LOVE LOBBYING.
AND THE DEBATES.
YOU KNOW, A GOOD DEBATE
IS JUST FABULOUS.
WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING WITH
MINISTERS FOR FIVE YEARS NOW
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL.
OH, YES, I LIKE
CIVIL SERVANTS.
OH, YES,
THEY'RE NICE.
I... I LIKE
THE SPEAKER.
OH, YEAH.
I LIKE
BLACK ROD.
WHAT DO THEIR PARENTS THINK?
WELL, SHE'S BROKEN OUR HEARTS,
THE LITTLE BASTARD.
SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE
AND IF SHE COMES ROUND HERE
AGAIN, I'LL KICK HER TEETH IN.
( door closes )
HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO
TELEVISION AGAIN, DEAR?
YES, I BLOODY
TOLD 'EM.
WHAT ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WAS IT REGINALD
BOSANQUET?
NO, NO, NO.
DID HE HAVE HIS
HEAD ALL BANDAGED?
NO, IT WASN'T
LIKE THAT.
THEY HAD LOTS
OF LIGHTS
AND CAMERAS AND
TAPE RECORDERS
ALL THAT SORT
OF THING.
OH, THAT'LL
BE RAY BAXTER
AND THE BOYS AND GIRLS
FROM TOMORROW'S WORLD.
OOH, I PREFER
REGINALD BOSANQUET.
THERE'S NOT SO
MANY OF 'EM.
( doorbell rings )
OH, THAT'LL BE
THE RATCATCHER.
HELLO, MR. AND MRS. CONCRETE?
YES?
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL
WELL, HOW VERY NICE.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M LESLIE AMES, THE CHAIRMAN
OF THE TEST SELECTION COMMITTEE
AND I'M VERY PLEASED
TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU
THAT YOUR FLAT HAS BEEN CHOSEN
AS THE VENUE FOR THE THIRD TEST
AGAINST THE WEST INDIES.
REALLY?
NO, IT WAS JUST
A LITTLE JOKE.
ACTUALLY I'M
THE COUNCIL RATCATCHER.
OH, YES, WE'VE BEEN
EXPECTING YOU.
OH, I GATHER
YOU'VE GOT
A LITTLE
RODENTAL PROBLEM.
OH, BLIMEY!
YOU'D THINK
HE WAS AWAKE
ALL THE NIGHT
SCRABBLING DOWN
BY THE WAINSCOTTING.
MMM, THAT'S AN
INTERESTING WORD, ISN'T IT?
WHAT?
WAINSCOTTING.
WAINSCOTTING, WAINSCOTTING.
SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE
DORSET VILLAGE.
WAINSCOTTING.
WE'VE BEEN MENTIONED ON TELLY!
UH, WHERE IS IT WORST?
WELL, DOWN HERE
YOU CAN USUALLY
HEAR THEM.
SHH! SHH! SHH!
( bleating )
NO, THAT'S SHEEP
YOU'VE GOT THERE.
( bleating continues )
NO, THAT'S
DEFINITELY SHEEP.
A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY.
IS IT?
YEAH, WELL, I MEAN IT'S
"A," NOT GOING TO RESPOND
TO A NICE PIECE OF CHEESE
AND "B," IT ISN'T GOING
TO FIT INTO A TRAP.
OH, WHAT
YOU GONNA DO?
WELL, WE'LL HAVE
TO LOOK FOR THE HOLE.
OH, YEAH.
UH... OOH...
HEY! THERE'S
ONE HERE.
NO, NO, NO,
THAT'S MICE.
( laughter )
OH! THIS IS
WHAT WE'RE AFTER!
( laughter )
EXCUSE ME,
IS THE THIRD
TEST IN HERE?
NO, NO, THAT WAS
A JOKE, IT'S A JOKE.
( laughter )
RIGHT! WELL, I'M GOING
IN THE WAINSCOTTING.
THEY SAID IT AGAIN!
LAY DOWN SOME
SHEEP POISON.
OOH.
( bleating )
( gunshot )
( yelling in pain )
OOH, IT'S GOT A GUN!
OOH! BLIMEY.
NOW, NORMALLY
A SHEEP IS
A PLACID,
TIMID CREATURE
BUT YOU'VE GOT A KILLER!
( laughter )
IT'S AN ENTIRELY NEW STRAIN
OF SHEEP-- A KILLER SHEEP
THAT CAN NOT
ONLY HOLD A RIFLE
BUT IS ALSO
A FIRST-CLASS SHOT.
BUT WHERE ARE THEY
COMING FROM, PROFESSOR?
THAT I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
I'M AFRAID I REALLY
JUST DON'T KNOW.
I'M AFRAID EVEN I
REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU
I'M AFRAID EVEN I
REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
I'M AFRAID I HAVE
TO TELL YOU THAT...
THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
OUR ONLY CLUE IS THIS
PORTION OF WOLF'S CLOTHING
WHICH THE
KILLER SHEEP...
WAS WEARING...
IN YESTERDAY'S RAID
ON SELFRIDGES.
I'LL CARRY OUT
TESTS ON IT
STRAIGHT AWAY,
PROFESSOR.
( inJamaican accent ):
HELLO, IS THE THIRD TEST
IN HERE, PLEASE?
( laughter )
PROFESSOR, THERE
ARE SOME CRICKETERS
IN THE LABORATORY.
THIS MAY BE EVEN
MORE SERIOUS
THAN EVEN I HAD
AT FIRST BEEN IMAGINING.
WHAT A STRANGE, STRANGE LINE.
THERE'S NO
TIME TO WASTE!
GET ME THE CHIEF
COMMISSIONER OF POLICE.
YES, SIR.
NO, NO,
ON THE PHONE!
LOOK OF FEAR!
ANOTHER STRANGE LINE.
LOOK OUT,
MISS GARTER OIL!
PROFESSOR,
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?
LOOK, THERE
IN THE DOORWAY!
( screams )
ARTHUR X, LEADER
OF THE PENNINE GANG.
DON'T NOBODY MOVE.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE'RE PUTTIN'
PLAN "A" INTO OPERATION.
BUGSY, LOUIE, MOVE OUT.
( gunfire )
NEXT-- BASIL, YOU
AND THE KID-- MOVE.
( gunfire )
OKAY, BOYS, THIS TIME
WE GO FOR THE HEAVY STUFF.
( explosion )
( banjo and bass play
"Foggy Mountain Breakdown" )
BUT SOON THE KILLER SHEEP
BEGAN TO INFECT OTHER ANIMALS
WITH ITS STARTLING INTELLIGENCE.
PUSSYCATS BEGAN
TO ARRANGE MORTGAGES.
COCKER SPANIELS BEGAN
TO DESIGN SUPERMARKETS.
AND PARROTS STARTED TO ANNOUNCE
TELEVISION PROGRAMS.
IT'S 8:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS.
GOOD EVENING,
HERE IS THE NEWS FOR PARROTS.
NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED
IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE M-1 TODAY
WHEN A LORRY CARRYING HIGH-
OCTANE FUEL WAS IN COLLISION
WITH A BOLLARD.
THAT IS A BOLLARD
AND NOT A PARROT.
A SPOKESMAN FOR PARROTS SAID
HE WAS GLAD
NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED.
( laughter )
THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY TODAY
MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS
TO DISCUSS A &$4 MILLION
AIRLINER DEAL.
NONE OF THEM WENT IN THE CAGE
OR SWUNG ON THE LITTLE
WOODEN TRAPEZE
OR ATE ANY OF THE NICE
MILLET SEED-- YUM, YUM.
THAT'S THE END OF THE NEWS.
NOW OUR PROGRAMS
FOR PARROTS CONTINUE
WITH PART THREE
OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES
SPECIALLY ADAPTED
FOR PARROTS BY JOEY BOY.
THE STORY SO FAR:
DR. MANETTE IS IN ENGLAND,
AFTER 18 YEARS IN THE BASTILLE.
HIS DAUGHTER, LUCY, AWAITS
HER LOVER, CHARLES DARNAY
WHOM WE HAVE JUST LEARNED
IS IN FACT THE NEPHEW OF
THE MARQUIS de ST. EVREMONDE
WHOSE CRUELTY HAD PLACED
MANETTE IN THE BASTILLE.
DARNAY ARRIVES TO FIND LUCY
TENDING HER AGED FATHER.
( imitating parrot ):
'ALLO, 'ALLO!
'ALLO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO!
WHO'S A PRETTY
BOY, THEN?
WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?
( all squawking at once )
AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON,
HERE IS THE NEWS FOR GIBBONS.
NO GIBBONS WERE INVOLVED...
Announcer:
AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON,
HERE FROM WESTMINSTER
ISA PARLIAMENTARY REPORT
FOR HUMANS.
IN THE DEBATE, A SPOKESMAN
ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT
OF BEING SILLY AND DOING
NOT AT ALL GOOD THINGS.
THE MEMBER ACCEPTED THIS
IN A SPIRIT OF HEALTHY CRITICISM
BUT DENIED THAT HE'D EVER BEEN
NAUGHTY WITH A CHOIRBOY.
ANGRY SHOUTS OF "WHAT ABOUT
THE WATERMELON, THEN?"
WERE ORDERED BY THE SPEAKER
TO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD
AND PUT INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG
IN THE LAVVY.
ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS
WOULD BE CUT OFF
AND DISTRIBUTED
AMONGST THE POOR.
FOR THE GOVERNMENT,
A FRONT BENCH SPOKESMAN SAID
THE AGRICULTURAL TARIFF
WOULD HAVE TO BE RAISED
AND HE FANCIED A BIT.
FURTHERMORE, HE ARGUED
THIS WOULD GIVE A LARGE BOOST
TO FARMERS, AND A LOT OF FUN
TO HIM, HIS FRIEND
AND MISS MOIST OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE.
FROM THE BACK BENCHES
THERE WERE OPPOSITION SHOUTS
OF "POSTCARDS FOR SALE!"
AND A HEALTHY CRY
OF "WHO LIKES A SAILOR, THEN?"
FROM THE MINISTER
WITHOUT PORTFOLIO.
( laughter )
REPLYING,
THE SHADOW MINISTER SAID
HE COULD NO LONGER DENY
THE RUMORS
BUT HE AND THE DACHSHUND
WERE VERY HAPPY.
AND, IN ANY CASE, HE ARGUED,
RHUBARB WAS CHEAP
AND WHAT WAS THE HARM
IN A SAUNA BATH.
...WERE NOT INVOLVED.
THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY MET
THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS TODAY
TO DISCUSS A &$4 MILLION
AIRLINER DEAL.
NONE OF THEM WERE INDIGENOUS
TO AUSTRALIA
CARRIED THEIR BABIES IN POUCHES
OR ATE ANY OF THOSE
YUMMY EUCALYPTUS LEAVES.
YUM, YUM.
THAT'S THE NEWS FOR WOMBATS,
AND NOW ATTILA THE BUN!
( shouting viciously )
WELL, THAT'S ALL
FOR ATTILA THE BUN.
AND NOW, IDIOTS.
Announcer:
ARTHUR FIGGIS ISAN IDIOT,
A VILLAGE IDIOT.
TONIGHT WE LOOK
AT THE IDIOT IN SOCIETY.
( intelligently ):
WELL, I FEEL VERY KEENLY
THAT THE IDIOT IS A PART
OF THE OLD VILLAGE SYSTEM
AND, AS SUCH, HAS
A VITAL ROLE TO PLAY
IN THE MODERN RURAL SOCIETY,
BECAUSE, YOU SEE...
OOH, AR, OOH, AR!
( babbling incoherently )
OOH, AR, THANKEE, VICAR.
BECAUSE THERE IS THIS
VERY REAL NEED IN SOCIETY
FOR SOMEONE WHOM ALMOST ANYONE
CAN LOOK DOWN ON AND RIDICULE.
AND THIS IS THE ROLE THAT...
( babbling )
THANK YOU, MRS. THOMPSON.
THIS IS THE ROLE THAT
I AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY
HAVE FULFILLED IN THIS VILLAGE
FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS.
AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. JENKINS.
I.C.I. HAVE INCREASED THEIR
HALF-YEARLY DIVIDEND, I SEE.
YES, SPLENDID.
THAT'S MR. JENKINS,
HE'S ANOTHER IDIOT.
AND SO, YOU SEE,
THE IDIOT DOES PROVIDE
A VITAL PSYCHO-SOCIAL SERVICE
FOR THIS COMMUNITY.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
A COACH PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED.
I SHALL HAVE TO FALL
OFF THE WALL, I'M AFRAID.
( babbling )
( crash )
ARTHUR TAKES IDIOTTING
SERIOUSLY.
HE IS UP AT 6::00 EVERY MORNING
WORKING ON SPECIAL
TRAINING EQUIPMENT
DESIGNED TO KEEP HIM SILLY.
( laughter )
AND, OF COURSE, HE TAKES
GREAT PRIDE IN HISAPPEARANCE.
LIKE THE DOCTOR,
THE BLACKSMITH, THE CARPENTER
MR. FIGGIS ISAN IMPORTANT
FIGURE IN THIS VILLAGE.
LIKE THEM,
HE USES THE LOCAL BANK.
YES, WE HAVE QUITE A NUMBER
OF IDIOTS BANKING HERE.
Interviewer:
WHAT KIND OF MONEY
IS THERE
IN IDIOTTING?
WELL, NOWADAYS, THE REALLY
BLITHERING IDIOT CAN MAKE
ANYTHING UP TO &$10,000 A YEAR
IF HE'S THE HEAD OF
SOME BIG INDUSTRIAL COMBINE.
BUT, OF COURSE,
THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED IDIOT
STILL REFUSES TO TAKE MONEY.
HE TAKES BITS OF STRING, WOOD
DEAD BUDGERIGARS,
SPARROWS, ANYTHING.
BUT IT DOES MAKE THE CASHIER'S
JOB VERY DIFFICULT.
BUT, OF COURSE, THEY'RE
FOOLS TO THEMSELVES
BECAUSE THE RATE OF INTEREST
OVER TEN YEARS
ON A PIECE OF MOSS
OR A DEAD VOLE
IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE.
Man:
MR. BRANDO!
YES?
HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE.
I'LL TAKE IT
IN THE OFFICE.
BUTMR. FIGGIS
IS NO ORDINARY IDIOT.
HE ISA LECTURER IN IDIOCY
AT THE UNIVERSITY
OF EASTANGLIA.
HERE HE IS TAKING A CLASS
OF THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS.
( babbling and singing )
AFTER THREE YEARS OF STUDY
THESEAPPRENTICE IDIOTS RECEIVE
A DIPLOMA OF IDIOCY
A HANDFUL OFMUD...
AND A KICK ON THE HEAD.
SOME OF THE OLDER IDIOTS RESENT
THE GRADUATE IDIOT.
I'M A COMPLETELY
SELF-TAUGHT IDIOT.
I MEAN...
( mumbles incoherently )
NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.
ANYBODY WHO DID THAT
ROUND HERE
WOULD BE LAUGHED
OFF THE STREET.
NO, NOWADAYS, PEOPLE
WANT SOMETHING WITTIER.
KEVIN O'NASSIS
WORKS LARGELY WITH WALLS.
WHOA!
O'Nassis:
WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE
THINK I'M MAD.
THE VILLAGERS SAY I'M MAD,
THE TOURISTS SAY I'M MAD.
WELL, I AM MAD,
BUT I'M NATURALLY MAD.
I DON'T USE ANY CHEMICALS.
WHOA!
BUT WHAT OF THE IDIOT'S
PRIVATE LIFE?
HOWABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP
WITH WOMEN?
WELL, I MAY BE AN IDIOT,
BUT I'M NO FOOL.
( laughter )
BUT THE VILLAGE IDIOT'S
DIRTY SMOCKAND WALL-FALLING
AREA FAR CRY FROM THE MODERN
WORLD OF THE URBAN IDIOT.
WHAT KINDS OF BACKGROUNDS DO
THESE CITY IDIOTS COME FROM?
( screeching unintelligibly )
UH... UH...
( mumbling unintelligibly )
THE HEADQUARTERS
OF THESE URBAN IDIOTS
IS HERE IN ST. JOHN'S WOOD.
INSIDE, THEY CAN ENJOY
THE COMPANY OF OTHER IDIOTS
AND WATCH SPECIAL PERFORMANCES
OF RITUAL IDIOTTING.
WELL LEFT.
WELL-PLAYED.
WELL, WELL.
WELL-BRED.
( groans )
Commentator:
GOOD AFTERNOON
AND WELCOME TO LORDS
ON THE SECOND DAY
OF THE FIRST TEST.
SO FAR TODAY, WE'VE HAD FIVE
HOURS BATTING FROM ENGLAND
AND ALREADY
THEY'RE NAUGHT FOR NAUGHT.
COWDREY IS NOT OUT NAUGHT,
AND NAUGHTON IS NOT IN.
KNOTT IS IN AND
IS NAUGHT FOR NOT OUT.
NAUGHTON OF NORTHANTS GOT
A NASTY KNOCK ON THE NUT
IN THE NETS LAST NIGHT,
BUT IT'S NOTHING OF NOTE.
NEXT IN IS NAT NEWTON OF NOTTS.
NOT NUTTING-- NUTTING'S AT NINE.
NUTTING KNOCKED NEATIE NIGHTIE
KNOCK... KNOCK...
( babbling )
ANYWAY, ENGLAND HAVE PLAYED
EXTREMELY WELL FOR NOTHING--
NOT A SAUSAGE-- IN REPLY
TO ICELAND'S FIRST INNINGS TOTAL
OF 722 FOR TWO DECLARED
SCORED YESTERDAY DISAPPOINTINGLY
FAST IN ONLY 21 OVERS
WITH LOTS OF WILD SLOGGING
AND BOUNDARIES
AND ALL SORTS
OF RUBBISHY THINGS.
BUT THE MAIN THING IS
THAT ENGLAND HAVE MADE
AN ABSOLUTELY
OUTSTANDING START SO FAR.
( wheezes, then sniffs )
PETER?
SPLENDID.
JUST LISTEN
TO THOSE THIGHS.
AND NOW IT'S
THE NORTH EAST'S TURN
WITH THE SAMBA-- BRIAN?
RATHER I'M REMINDED
OF THE STORY
OF GUBBY ALLEN
IN '32...
OH, SHUT UP OR
WE'LL CLOSE THE BAR.
AND NOW BO WILDEBURG IS RUNNING
UP TO BOWL TO COWDREY.
HE RUNS UP,
HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...
AND NO SHOT AT ALL.
EXTREMELY WELL
NOT PLAYED THERE.
YES, BEAUTIFULLY NOT
DONE ANYTHING ABOUT.
A SUPERB SHOT OF
NO KIND WHATSOEVER.
I WELL REMEMBER
PLUM WARNER
LEAVING A VERY SIMILAR
BALL ALONE IN 1732.
OH, SHUT UP, LONG NOSE.
( laughter )
AND NOW IT'S BO WILDEBURG
RUNNING IN AGAIN
TO BOWL TO COWDREY.
HE RUNS IN,
HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...
AND NO SHOT AT ALL.
A SUPERB DISPLAY
OF INERTIA THERE.
AND THAT'S THE END
OF THE OVER, AND DRINKS.
GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE.
NO, NO, THE PLAYERS
ARE HAVING DRINKS.
AND NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I THINK COWDREY'S BEING TAKEN...
YES, COWDREY
IS BEING CARRIED OFF.
WELL, I NEVER!
NOW, WHO'S IN NEXT?
IT SHOULD BE NUMBER THREE,
NATT NEWTON OF NOTTS.
GET YOUR HAND
OFF MY THIGH, WEST.
NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS.
I THINK IT'S... IT'S THE SOFA...
NO, IT'S THE CHESTERFIELD.
THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD
IS COMING IN AT NUMBER THREE
TO TAKE GUARD NOW.
I WELL REMEMBER
A SIMILAR DIVAN
BEING BROUGHT ON AT
HEADINGLEY IN 9 B.C.
AGAINST THE DARKIES.
OH, SHUT UP,
ELEPHANT SNOUT.
AND NOW THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD
HAS TAKEN GUARD
AND, AH! ICELAND ARE PUTTING ON
THEIR SPIN DRYER TO BOWL.
THE SPIN DRYER MOVING BACK
TO HIS MARK
IT RUNS OUT TO THE WICKET,
BOWLS TO THE TABLE...
A LITTLE BIT SHORT,
BUT IT'S COMING IN A BIT THERE
AND IT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!
THERE'S AN APPEAL AND THE TABLE
IS OUT-- LEG BEFORE WICKET.
THAT IS ENGLAND NAUGHT FOR ONE.
AND NOW WE LEA VE LORDSAND
GO OVER TO EPSOM FOR THE 3::00.
Commentator:
WELL, HERE AT EPSOM,
WE TAKE UP THE RUNNING
WITH 50 YARDS OF
THIS MILE-AND-A-HALF RACE TO GO
AND IT'S THE WASH BASIN IN
THE LEAD FROM W.C. PEDESTAL.
TUCKED IN NICELY THERE
IS THE SOFA GOING VERY WELL
WITH JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX
MAKING A GOOD RUN
FROM HAT STAND ON THE RAILS.
AND THE STANDARD LAMP
IS FADING FAST
BUT IT'S WASH BASIN DEFINITELY
TAKING UP THE RUNNING NOW
BEING STRONGLY PRESSED BY W.C.
AT THE POST,
IT'S THE WASH BASIN FROM W.C.
THEN SOFA, HAT STAND,
STANDARD LAMP
AND LASTLY,
JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX.
OPEN THE BOX!
OPEN THE BOX!
OPEN THE BOX!
OPEN THE BOX!
AND COULD WE HAVE
THE NEXT CONTENDER, PLEASE?
( audience laughter )
( chuckling )
GOOD EVENING, MADAM.
AND YOUR NAME IS?
YES, YES.
AND WHAT'S
YOUR NAME?
I GO TO CHURCH
REGULARLY.
JOLLY GOOD, I SEE.
AND WHICH PRIZE
DO YOU HAVE
PARTICULAR EYES ON
THIS EVENING?
OH, I'D LIKE
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
JUST THERE.
JOLLY GOOD.
WELL, YOUR
FIRST QUESTION
FOR THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD
THIS EVENING IS:
WHAT GREAT OPPONENT
OF CARTESIAN DUALISM
RESISTS THE REDUCTION
OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA
TO PHYSICAL STATES?
I DON'T KNOW THAT!
WELL, HAVE A GUESS.
HENRI BERGSON.
IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!
OH, THAT WAS LUCKY.
I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM.
JOLLY GOOD.
I DON'T LIKE DARKIES.
( chortling )
WHO DOES?
AND NOW YOUR
SECOND QUESTION
FOR THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD IS:
WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD
THAT PENGUINS EAT?
PORK LUNCHEON MEAT.
NO.
SPAM?
NO, NO, NO, WHAT
DO PENGUINS EAT?
PENGUINS.
PENGUINS?
YES.
I HATE PENGUINS.
NO, NO, NO.
THEY EAT THEMSELVES.
NO, NO, WHAT DO
PENGUINS EAT?
HORSES! ARMCHAIRS!
NO, NO, WHAT DO
PENGUINS EAT?
OH, PENGUINS.
PENGUINS.
CANNELLONI.
LASAGNA, MOUSSAKA,
LOBSTER THERMIDOR
ESCALOPES DE VEAU
A L'ESTRAGON AVEC ENDIVES
GRATINEED WITH CHEESE.
NO, I'LL GIVE YOU
A CLUE.
AH! BRIAN CLOSE.
( laughter )
NO, NO.
BRIAN INGLIS,
BRIAN JOHNSON,
BRYAN FORBES.
NO, NO.
NANETTE NEWMAN.
NO, WHAT SWIMS
IN THE SEA
AND GETS CAUGHT
IN NETS?
HENRI BERGSON.
NO!
GOATS.
UNDERWATER GOATS WITH
SNORKELS AND FLIPPERS.
A BUFFALO
WITH AN AQUALUNG.
NO.
REGINALD MAUDLING.
YES, THAT'S NEAR ENOUGH,
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
RIGHT NOW, MRS. SCUM,
YOU HAVE WON YOUR PRIZE.
DO YOU STILL WANT
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD?
YES, YES.
I'LL OFFER YOU
A POKE IN THE EYE.
NO, I WANT THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD.
A PUNCH
IN THE THROAT?
NO!
ALL RIGHT THEN,
A KICK IN THE
KNEECAP.
NO.
MRS. SCUM,
I'M OFFERING YOU
A BOOT IN THE TEETH
AND A DAGGER
UP THE STRAP.
( hesitantly ):
ER...
Audience members ( shouting ):
TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!
NO, I'LL TAKE
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
VERY WELL THEN,
MRS. SCUM
YOU HAVE WON
TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE--
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!
( ding )
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS
Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH EducationaL Foundation]
( applause )
( music ends with fart )
IN THE FIFTH CENTURY
AS THE ONCE-MIGHTY
ROMAN EMPIRE CRUMBLED
THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF WESTERN
EUROPE LA Y INVITINGLY EXPOSED
TO THE BARBARIAN
HORDES TO THE EAST.
ALARIC THE VISIGOTH,
GAISERIC THE VANDAL
AND THEODORIC THE OSTROGOTH
IN TURN SWEPT WESTWARD
IN A REIGN OF TERROR.
BUT NONE SURPASSED
IN POWER AND CRUELTY
THE MIGHTYATTILA THE HUN.
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
IT'S THEATTILA THE HUN SHOW.
( audience laughter )
(The Debbie ReynoLds Show
theme song plays )
Man:
WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE
OPEN YOUR HEART AND
SEE WHERE IT'S NEEDED
WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE
FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART
WHEN YOU'VE SUCCEEDED
MAKING ALL THE SENSE OF LIFE
GETTING SOME SUN
IN YOUR LIFE
MAKING ALL
THE CLOUDS ROLL BY
GETTING SOME SUN
IN YOUR LIFE
AND YOU CAN LIGHT
LIGHT UP A GLOOM-CAST SKY
COLOR THE GLOOMIEST DAY
CHASE ALL YOUR CARES AWAY
WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE
WITH A LITTLE LOVE
Chorus:
JUSTA LITTLE LOVE
WITH A LITTLE LOVE...
Narrator:
IN THE SECOND QUARTER
OF THE FIFTH CENTURY
THE HUNS BECAMEA BYWORD
FOR MERCILESS SA VAGERY.
THEIR KHAN WAS
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR, ATTILA.
WITH HIS DEVASTATING ARMIES,
HE SWEPTACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.
( in American accent ):
OH, DARLING, I'M HOME!
( canned laughter )
HELLO, DARLING.
HAVE A BUSY DAY
AT THE OFFICE?
NOT AT ALL BAD.
ANOTHER MERCILESS SWEEP
ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.
( canned laughter )
WELL, I WON'T SAY
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU
BUT, BOY, AM I
GLAD TO SEE YOU!
( canned laughter )
( canned cheering )
HI, DADDY.
( canned laughter )
HI, DADDY.
( canned laughter )
HI, JENNY, HI, ROBBY.
( canned cheering )
HEY, I'VE GOT A PRESENT
FOR YOU TWO KIDS
IN THAT BAG.
IN THAT BAG.
( canned laughter )
I WANT YOU KIDS
TO GET "A-HEAD."
( canned laughter and cheering )
HEAH YOU ARE, MISTER HUN.
( canned applause )
HI, UNCLE TOM.
THERE'S A WHOLE HORDE
O' DEM MARAUDIN' VISIGOTHS
TO SEE Y'ALL.
( canned laughter )
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S...
( canned cheering )
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]
( music ends with fart )
YES, IT'SATTILA THE NUN!
A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL WHO TOOK
A VOW OF ETERNAL BRUTALITY.
( grunting, growling )
NURSE!
HELLO, MISS NORRIS,
HOW ARE YOU?
NOT TOO BAD,
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
YES, WELL, I THINK
I'D BETTER EXAMINE YOU.
UM, WHAT ARE
THEY DOING HERE?
Doctor:
UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT
THEY'RE STUDENTS.
UM... LIGHT,
PLEASE, NURSE.
OH, AND UH, MUSIC, TOO.
( striptease musicplays )
BREATHE IN... OUT.
Doctor:
IN... OUT.
IN...
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
CHARLES CROMPTON,
THE STRIPPING DOCTOR.
AND NEXT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES,
HERE AT THE PEEPHOLE CLUB
FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME,
A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE
FOR THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.
GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO RESTATE
OUR POSITION
ON AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES
AND THEIR EFFECT ON OUR
COMMONWEALTH RELATIONSHIPS.
( striptease musicplaying )
NOW, ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE,
THEORETICALLY
IN ENDING GUARANTEED FARM PRICES
WE ALSO BELIEVE IN THE NEED
FOR A CORRESPONDING IMPORT LEVY
TO MAINTAIN CONSUMER PRICES
AT A REALISTIC LEVEL.
BUT THIS WOULD HAVE
THE EFFECT OF CONSOLIDATING
OUR GAINS OF THE PREVIOUS
FISCAL YEAR PRIOR TO THE ENTRY.
BUT I PLEDGE THAT,
SHOULD WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET
EVEN MAINTAINING THE PRESENT
POSITION ON SUBSIDIES
WE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE,
WE WILL NEVER COMPROMISE
OUR UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES.
A PRICES STRUCTURE RELATED
TO ANY IMPORT CHARGES
WILL BE SYSTEMATICALLY ADJUSTED
TO THE PARTICULAR REQUIREMENTS
OF OUR COMMONWEALTH PARTNERS.
( laughter )
SO THAT TOGETHER
WE WILL MAINTAIN
A POSITIVE AND MUTUALLY
BENEFICIAL ALLIANCE
IN WORLD TRADE
AND FOR WORLD PEACE.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
( scattered applause )
WASN'T HE MARVELOUS?
THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.
AND NOW, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES,
A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE
FOR THE MINISTER OF PENSIONS
AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY.
( belly dancing musicplays )
( "Pomp and
Circumstance"plays )
Narrator:
YES, TODA Y IN BRITAIN THERE IS
A NEW WA VE OF INTEREST
IN POLITICSAND POLITICIANS.
WELL, WE'RE IN IT
FOR THE LOBBYING, YOU KNOW.
WE JUST LOVE LOBBYING.
AND THE DEBATES.
YOU KNOW, A GOOD DEBATE
IS JUST FABULOUS.
WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING WITH
MINISTERS FOR FIVE YEARS NOW
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL.
OH, YES, I LIKE
CIVIL SERVANTS.
OH, YES,
THEY'RE NICE.
I... I LIKE
THE SPEAKER.
OH, YEAH.
I LIKE
BLACK ROD.
WHAT DO THEIR PARENTS THINK?
WELL, SHE'S BROKEN OUR HEARTS,
THE LITTLE BASTARD.
SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE
AND IF SHE COMES ROUND HERE
AGAIN, I'LL KICK HER TEETH IN.
( door closes )
HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO
TELEVISION AGAIN, DEAR?
YES, I BLOODY
TOLD 'EM.
WHAT ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WAS IT REGINALD
BOSANQUET?
NO, NO, NO.
DID HE HAVE HIS
HEAD ALL BANDAGED?
NO, IT WASN'T
LIKE THAT.
THEY HAD LOTS
OF LIGHTS
AND CAMERAS AND
TAPE RECORDERS
ALL THAT SORT
OF THING.
OH, THAT'LL
BE RAY BAXTER
AND THE BOYS AND GIRLS
FROM TOMORROW'S WORLD.
OOH, I PREFER
REGINALD BOSANQUET.
THERE'S NOT SO
MANY OF 'EM.
( doorbell rings )
OH, THAT'LL BE
THE RATCATCHER.
HELLO, MR. AND MRS. CONCRETE?
YES?
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL
WELL, HOW VERY NICE.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M LESLIE AMES, THE CHAIRMAN
OF THE TEST SELECTION COMMITTEE
AND I'M VERY PLEASED
TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU
THAT YOUR FLAT HAS BEEN CHOSEN
AS THE VENUE FOR THE THIRD TEST
AGAINST THE WEST INDIES.
REALLY?
NO, IT WAS JUST
A LITTLE JOKE.
ACTUALLY I'M
THE COUNCIL RATCATCHER.
OH, YES, WE'VE BEEN
EXPECTING YOU.
OH, I GATHER
YOU'VE GOT
A LITTLE
RODENTAL PROBLEM.
OH, BLIMEY!
YOU'D THINK
HE WAS AWAKE
ALL THE NIGHT
SCRABBLING DOWN
BY THE WAINSCOTTING.
MMM, THAT'S AN
INTERESTING WORD, ISN'T IT?
WHAT?
WAINSCOTTING.
WAINSCOTTING, WAINSCOTTING.
SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE
DORSET VILLAGE.
WAINSCOTTING.
WE'VE BEEN MENTIONED ON TELLY!
UH, WHERE IS IT WORST?
WELL, DOWN HERE
YOU CAN USUALLY
HEAR THEM.
SHH! SHH! SHH!
( bleating )
NO, THAT'S SHEEP
YOU'VE GOT THERE.
( bleating continues )
NO, THAT'S
DEFINITELY SHEEP.
A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY.
IS IT?
YEAH, WELL, I MEAN IT'S
"A," NOT GOING TO RESPOND
TO A NICE PIECE OF CHEESE
AND "B," IT ISN'T GOING
TO FIT INTO A TRAP.
OH, WHAT
YOU GONNA DO?
WELL, WE'LL HAVE
TO LOOK FOR THE HOLE.
OH, YEAH.
UH... OOH...
HEY! THERE'S
ONE HERE.
NO, NO, NO,
THAT'S MICE.
( laughter )
OH! THIS IS
WHAT WE'RE AFTER!
( laughter )
EXCUSE ME,
IS THE THIRD
TEST IN HERE?
NO, NO, THAT WAS
A JOKE, IT'S A JOKE.
( laughter )
RIGHT! WELL, I'M GOING
IN THE WAINSCOTTING.
THEY SAID IT AGAIN!
LAY DOWN SOME
SHEEP POISON.
OOH.
( bleating )
( gunshot )
( yelling in pain )
OOH, IT'S GOT A GUN!
OOH! BLIMEY.
NOW, NORMALLY
A SHEEP IS
A PLACID,
TIMID CREATURE
BUT YOU'VE GOT A KILLER!
( laughter )
IT'S AN ENTIRELY NEW STRAIN
OF SHEEP-- A KILLER SHEEP
THAT CAN NOT
ONLY HOLD A RIFLE
BUT IS ALSO
A FIRST-CLASS SHOT.
BUT WHERE ARE THEY
COMING FROM, PROFESSOR?
THAT I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
I'M AFRAID I REALLY
JUST DON'T KNOW.
I'M AFRAID EVEN I
REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU
I'M AFRAID EVEN I
REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
I'M AFRAID I HAVE
TO TELL YOU THAT...
THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
OUR ONLY CLUE IS THIS
PORTION OF WOLF'S CLOTHING
WHICH THE
KILLER SHEEP...
WAS WEARING...
IN YESTERDAY'S RAID
ON SELFRIDGES.
I'LL CARRY OUT
TESTS ON IT
STRAIGHT AWAY,
PROFESSOR.
( inJamaican accent ):
HELLO, IS THE THIRD TEST
IN HERE, PLEASE?
( laughter )
PROFESSOR, THERE
ARE SOME CRICKETERS
IN THE LABORATORY.
THIS MAY BE EVEN
MORE SERIOUS
THAN EVEN I HAD
AT FIRST BEEN IMAGINING.
WHAT A STRANGE, STRANGE LINE.
THERE'S NO
TIME TO WASTE!
GET ME THE CHIEF
COMMISSIONER OF POLICE.
YES, SIR.
NO, NO,
ON THE PHONE!
LOOK OF FEAR!
ANOTHER STRANGE LINE.
LOOK OUT,
MISS GARTER OIL!
PROFESSOR,
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?
LOOK, THERE
IN THE DOORWAY!
( screams )
ARTHUR X, LEADER
OF THE PENNINE GANG.
DON'T NOBODY MOVE.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE'RE PUTTIN'
PLAN "A" INTO OPERATION.
BUGSY, LOUIE, MOVE OUT.
( gunfire )
NEXT-- BASIL, YOU
AND THE KID-- MOVE.
( gunfire )
OKAY, BOYS, THIS TIME
WE GO FOR THE HEAVY STUFF.
( explosion )
( banjo and bass play
"Foggy Mountain Breakdown" )
BUT SOON THE KILLER SHEEP
BEGAN TO INFECT OTHER ANIMALS
WITH ITS STARTLING INTELLIGENCE.
PUSSYCATS BEGAN
TO ARRANGE MORTGAGES.
COCKER SPANIELS BEGAN
TO DESIGN SUPERMARKETS.
AND PARROTS STARTED TO ANNOUNCE
TELEVISION PROGRAMS.
IT'S 8:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS.
GOOD EVENING,
HERE IS THE NEWS FOR PARROTS.
NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED
IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE M-1 TODAY
WHEN A LORRY CARRYING HIGH-
OCTANE FUEL WAS IN COLLISION
WITH A BOLLARD.
THAT IS A BOLLARD
AND NOT A PARROT.
A SPOKESMAN FOR PARROTS SAID
HE WAS GLAD
NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED.
( laughter )
THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY TODAY
MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS
TO DISCUSS A &$4 MILLION
AIRLINER DEAL.
NONE OF THEM WENT IN THE CAGE
OR SWUNG ON THE LITTLE
WOODEN TRAPEZE
OR ATE ANY OF THE NICE
MILLET SEED-- YUM, YUM.
THAT'S THE END OF THE NEWS.
NOW OUR PROGRAMS
FOR PARROTS CONTINUE
WITH PART THREE
OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES
SPECIALLY ADAPTED
FOR PARROTS BY JOEY BOY.
THE STORY SO FAR:
DR. MANETTE IS IN ENGLAND,
AFTER 18 YEARS IN THE BASTILLE.
HIS DAUGHTER, LUCY, AWAITS
HER LOVER, CHARLES DARNAY
WHOM WE HAVE JUST LEARNED
IS IN FACT THE NEPHEW OF
THE MARQUIS de ST. EVREMONDE
WHOSE CRUELTY HAD PLACED
MANETTE IN THE BASTILLE.
DARNAY ARRIVES TO FIND LUCY
TENDING HER AGED FATHER.
( imitating parrot ):
'ALLO, 'ALLO!
'ALLO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO!
WHO'S A PRETTY
BOY, THEN?
WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?
( all squawking at once )
AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON,
HERE IS THE NEWS FOR GIBBONS.
NO GIBBONS WERE INVOLVED...
Announcer:
AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON,
HERE FROM WESTMINSTER
ISA PARLIAMENTARY REPORT
FOR HUMANS.
IN THE DEBATE, A SPOKESMAN
ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT
OF BEING SILLY AND DOING
NOT AT ALL GOOD THINGS.
THE MEMBER ACCEPTED THIS
IN A SPIRIT OF HEALTHY CRITICISM
BUT DENIED THAT HE'D EVER BEEN
NAUGHTY WITH A CHOIRBOY.
ANGRY SHOUTS OF "WHAT ABOUT
THE WATERMELON, THEN?"
WERE ORDERED BY THE SPEAKER
TO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD
AND PUT INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG
IN THE LAVVY.
ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS
WOULD BE CUT OFF
AND DISTRIBUTED
AMONGST THE POOR.
FOR THE GOVERNMENT,
A FRONT BENCH SPOKESMAN SAID
THE AGRICULTURAL TARIFF
WOULD HAVE TO BE RAISED
AND HE FANCIED A BIT.
FURTHERMORE, HE ARGUED
THIS WOULD GIVE A LARGE BOOST
TO FARMERS, AND A LOT OF FUN
TO HIM, HIS FRIEND
AND MISS MOIST OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE.
FROM THE BACK BENCHES
THERE WERE OPPOSITION SHOUTS
OF "POSTCARDS FOR SALE!"
AND A HEALTHY CRY
OF "WHO LIKES A SAILOR, THEN?"
FROM THE MINISTER
WITHOUT PORTFOLIO.
( laughter )
REPLYING,
THE SHADOW MINISTER SAID
HE COULD NO LONGER DENY
THE RUMORS
BUT HE AND THE DACHSHUND
WERE VERY HAPPY.
AND, IN ANY CASE, HE ARGUED,
RHUBARB WAS CHEAP
AND WHAT WAS THE HARM
IN A SAUNA BATH.
...WERE NOT INVOLVED.
THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY MET
THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS TODAY
TO DISCUSS A &$4 MILLION
AIRLINER DEAL.
NONE OF THEM WERE INDIGENOUS
TO AUSTRALIA
CARRIED THEIR BABIES IN POUCHES
OR ATE ANY OF THOSE
YUMMY EUCALYPTUS LEAVES.
YUM, YUM.
THAT'S THE NEWS FOR WOMBATS,
AND NOW ATTILA THE BUN!
( shouting viciously )
WELL, THAT'S ALL
FOR ATTILA THE BUN.
AND NOW, IDIOTS.
Announcer:
ARTHUR FIGGIS ISAN IDIOT,
A VILLAGE IDIOT.
TONIGHT WE LOOK
AT THE IDIOT IN SOCIETY.
( intelligently ):
WELL, I FEEL VERY KEENLY
THAT THE IDIOT IS A PART
OF THE OLD VILLAGE SYSTEM
AND, AS SUCH, HAS
A VITAL ROLE TO PLAY
IN THE MODERN RURAL SOCIETY,
BECAUSE, YOU SEE...
OOH, AR, OOH, AR!
( babbling incoherently )
OOH, AR, THANKEE, VICAR.
BECAUSE THERE IS THIS
VERY REAL NEED IN SOCIETY
FOR SOMEONE WHOM ALMOST ANYONE
CAN LOOK DOWN ON AND RIDICULE.
AND THIS IS THE ROLE THAT...
( babbling )
THANK YOU, MRS. THOMPSON.
THIS IS THE ROLE THAT
I AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY
HAVE FULFILLED IN THIS VILLAGE
FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS.
AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. JENKINS.
I.C.I. HAVE INCREASED THEIR
HALF-YEARLY DIVIDEND, I SEE.
YES, SPLENDID.
THAT'S MR. JENKINS,
HE'S ANOTHER IDIOT.
AND SO, YOU SEE,
THE IDIOT DOES PROVIDE
A VITAL PSYCHO-SOCIAL SERVICE
FOR THIS COMMUNITY.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
A COACH PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED.
I SHALL HAVE TO FALL
OFF THE WALL, I'M AFRAID.
( babbling )
( crash )
ARTHUR TAKES IDIOTTING
SERIOUSLY.
HE IS UP AT 6::00 EVERY MORNING
WORKING ON SPECIAL
TRAINING EQUIPMENT
DESIGNED TO KEEP HIM SILLY.
( laughter )
AND, OF COURSE, HE TAKES
GREAT PRIDE IN HISAPPEARANCE.
LIKE THE DOCTOR,
THE BLACKSMITH, THE CARPENTER
MR. FIGGIS ISAN IMPORTANT
FIGURE IN THIS VILLAGE.
LIKE THEM,
HE USES THE LOCAL BANK.
YES, WE HAVE QUITE A NUMBER
OF IDIOTS BANKING HERE.
Interviewer:
WHAT KIND OF MONEY
IS THERE
IN IDIOTTING?
WELL, NOWADAYS, THE REALLY
BLITHERING IDIOT CAN MAKE
ANYTHING UP TO &$10,000 A YEAR
IF HE'S THE HEAD OF
SOME BIG INDUSTRIAL COMBINE.
BUT, OF COURSE,
THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED IDIOT
STILL REFUSES TO TAKE MONEY.
HE TAKES BITS OF STRING, WOOD
DEAD BUDGERIGARS,
SPARROWS, ANYTHING.
BUT IT DOES MAKE THE CASHIER'S
JOB VERY DIFFICULT.
BUT, OF COURSE, THEY'RE
FOOLS TO THEMSELVES
BECAUSE THE RATE OF INTEREST
OVER TEN YEARS
ON A PIECE OF MOSS
OR A DEAD VOLE
IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE.
Man:
MR. BRANDO!
YES?
HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE.
I'LL TAKE IT
IN THE OFFICE.
BUTMR. FIGGIS
IS NO ORDINARY IDIOT.
HE ISA LECTURER IN IDIOCY
AT THE UNIVERSITY
OF EASTANGLIA.
HERE HE IS TAKING A CLASS
OF THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS.
( babbling and singing )
AFTER THREE YEARS OF STUDY
THESEAPPRENTICE IDIOTS RECEIVE
A DIPLOMA OF IDIOCY
A HANDFUL OFMUD...
AND A KICK ON THE HEAD.
SOME OF THE OLDER IDIOTS RESENT
THE GRADUATE IDIOT.
I'M A COMPLETELY
SELF-TAUGHT IDIOT.
I MEAN...
( mumbles incoherently )
NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.
ANYBODY WHO DID THAT
ROUND HERE
WOULD BE LAUGHED
OFF THE STREET.
NO, NOWADAYS, PEOPLE
WANT SOMETHING WITTIER.
KEVIN O'NASSIS
WORKS LARGELY WITH WALLS.
WHOA!
O'Nassis:
WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE
THINK I'M MAD.
THE VILLAGERS SAY I'M MAD,
THE TOURISTS SAY I'M MAD.
WELL, I AM MAD,
BUT I'M NATURALLY MAD.
I DON'T USE ANY CHEMICALS.
WHOA!
BUT WHAT OF THE IDIOT'S
PRIVATE LIFE?
HOWABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP
WITH WOMEN?
WELL, I MAY BE AN IDIOT,
BUT I'M NO FOOL.
( laughter )
BUT THE VILLAGE IDIOT'S
DIRTY SMOCKAND WALL-FALLING
AREA FAR CRY FROM THE MODERN
WORLD OF THE URBAN IDIOT.
WHAT KINDS OF BACKGROUNDS DO
THESE CITY IDIOTS COME FROM?
( screeching unintelligibly )
UH... UH...
( mumbling unintelligibly )
THE HEADQUARTERS
OF THESE URBAN IDIOTS
IS HERE IN ST. JOHN'S WOOD.
INSIDE, THEY CAN ENJOY
THE COMPANY OF OTHER IDIOTS
AND WATCH SPECIAL PERFORMANCES
OF RITUAL IDIOTTING.
WELL LEFT.
WELL-PLAYED.
WELL, WELL.
WELL-BRED.
( groans )
Commentator:
GOOD AFTERNOON
AND WELCOME TO LORDS
ON THE SECOND DAY
OF THE FIRST TEST.
SO FAR TODAY, WE'VE HAD FIVE
HOURS BATTING FROM ENGLAND
AND ALREADY
THEY'RE NAUGHT FOR NAUGHT.
COWDREY IS NOT OUT NAUGHT,
AND NAUGHTON IS NOT IN.
KNOTT IS IN AND
IS NAUGHT FOR NOT OUT.
NAUGHTON OF NORTHANTS GOT
A NASTY KNOCK ON THE NUT
IN THE NETS LAST NIGHT,
BUT IT'S NOTHING OF NOTE.
NEXT IN IS NAT NEWTON OF NOTTS.
NOT NUTTING-- NUTTING'S AT NINE.
NUTTING KNOCKED NEATIE NIGHTIE
KNOCK... KNOCK...
( babbling )
ANYWAY, ENGLAND HAVE PLAYED
EXTREMELY WELL FOR NOTHING--
NOT A SAUSAGE-- IN REPLY
TO ICELAND'S FIRST INNINGS TOTAL
OF 722 FOR TWO DECLARED
SCORED YESTERDAY DISAPPOINTINGLY
FAST IN ONLY 21 OVERS
WITH LOTS OF WILD SLOGGING
AND BOUNDARIES
AND ALL SORTS
OF RUBBISHY THINGS.
BUT THE MAIN THING IS
THAT ENGLAND HAVE MADE
AN ABSOLUTELY
OUTSTANDING START SO FAR.
( wheezes, then sniffs )
PETER?
SPLENDID.
JUST LISTEN
TO THOSE THIGHS.
AND NOW IT'S
THE NORTH EAST'S TURN
WITH THE SAMBA-- BRIAN?
RATHER I'M REMINDED
OF THE STORY
OF GUBBY ALLEN
IN '32...
OH, SHUT UP OR
WE'LL CLOSE THE BAR.
AND NOW BO WILDEBURG IS RUNNING
UP TO BOWL TO COWDREY.
HE RUNS UP,
HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...
AND NO SHOT AT ALL.
EXTREMELY WELL
NOT PLAYED THERE.
YES, BEAUTIFULLY NOT
DONE ANYTHING ABOUT.
A SUPERB SHOT OF
NO KIND WHATSOEVER.
I WELL REMEMBER
PLUM WARNER
LEAVING A VERY SIMILAR
BALL ALONE IN 1732.
OH, SHUT UP, LONG NOSE.
( laughter )
AND NOW IT'S BO WILDEBURG
RUNNING IN AGAIN
TO BOWL TO COWDREY.
HE RUNS IN,
HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...
AND NO SHOT AT ALL.
A SUPERB DISPLAY
OF INERTIA THERE.
AND THAT'S THE END
OF THE OVER, AND DRINKS.
GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE.
NO, NO, THE PLAYERS
ARE HAVING DRINKS.
AND NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I THINK COWDREY'S BEING TAKEN...
YES, COWDREY
IS BEING CARRIED OFF.
WELL, I NEVER!
NOW, WHO'S IN NEXT?
IT SHOULD BE NUMBER THREE,
NATT NEWTON OF NOTTS.
GET YOUR HAND
OFF MY THIGH, WEST.
NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS.
I THINK IT'S... IT'S THE SOFA...
NO, IT'S THE CHESTERFIELD.
THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD
IS COMING IN AT NUMBER THREE
TO TAKE GUARD NOW.
I WELL REMEMBER
A SIMILAR DIVAN
BEING BROUGHT ON AT
HEADINGLEY IN 9 B.C.
AGAINST THE DARKIES.
OH, SHUT UP,
ELEPHANT SNOUT.
AND NOW THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD
HAS TAKEN GUARD
AND, AH! ICELAND ARE PUTTING ON
THEIR SPIN DRYER TO BOWL.
THE SPIN DRYER MOVING BACK
TO HIS MARK
IT RUNS OUT TO THE WICKET,
BOWLS TO THE TABLE...
A LITTLE BIT SHORT,
BUT IT'S COMING IN A BIT THERE
AND IT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!
THERE'S AN APPEAL AND THE TABLE
IS OUT-- LEG BEFORE WICKET.
THAT IS ENGLAND NAUGHT FOR ONE.
AND NOW WE LEA VE LORDSAND
GO OVER TO EPSOM FOR THE 3::00.
Commentator:
WELL, HERE AT EPSOM,
WE TAKE UP THE RUNNING
WITH 50 YARDS OF
THIS MILE-AND-A-HALF RACE TO GO
AND IT'S THE WASH BASIN IN
THE LEAD FROM W.C. PEDESTAL.
TUCKED IN NICELY THERE
IS THE SOFA GOING VERY WELL
WITH JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX
MAKING A GOOD RUN
FROM HAT STAND ON THE RAILS.
AND THE STANDARD LAMP
IS FADING FAST
BUT IT'S WASH BASIN DEFINITELY
TAKING UP THE RUNNING NOW
BEING STRONGLY PRESSED BY W.C.
AT THE POST,
IT'S THE WASH BASIN FROM W.C.
THEN SOFA, HAT STAND,
STANDARD LAMP
AND LASTLY,
JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX.
OPEN THE BOX!
OPEN THE BOX!
OPEN THE BOX!
OPEN THE BOX!
AND COULD WE HAVE
THE NEXT CONTENDER, PLEASE?
( audience laughter )
( chuckling )
GOOD EVENING, MADAM.
AND YOUR NAME IS?
YES, YES.
AND WHAT'S
YOUR NAME?
I GO TO CHURCH
REGULARLY.
JOLLY GOOD, I SEE.
AND WHICH PRIZE
DO YOU HAVE
PARTICULAR EYES ON
THIS EVENING?
OH, I'D LIKE
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
JUST THERE.
JOLLY GOOD.
WELL, YOUR
FIRST QUESTION
FOR THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD
THIS EVENING IS:
WHAT GREAT OPPONENT
OF CARTESIAN DUALISM
RESISTS THE REDUCTION
OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA
TO PHYSICAL STATES?
I DON'T KNOW THAT!
WELL, HAVE A GUESS.
HENRI BERGSON.
IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!
OH, THAT WAS LUCKY.
I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM.
JOLLY GOOD.
I DON'T LIKE DARKIES.
( chortling )
WHO DOES?
AND NOW YOUR
SECOND QUESTION
FOR THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD IS:
WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD
THAT PENGUINS EAT?
PORK LUNCHEON MEAT.
NO.
SPAM?
NO, NO, NO, WHAT
DO PENGUINS EAT?
PENGUINS.
PENGUINS?
YES.
I HATE PENGUINS.
NO, NO, NO.
THEY EAT THEMSELVES.
NO, NO, WHAT DO
PENGUINS EAT?
HORSES! ARMCHAIRS!
NO, NO, WHAT DO
PENGUINS EAT?
OH, PENGUINS.
PENGUINS.
CANNELLONI.
LASAGNA, MOUSSAKA,
LOBSTER THERMIDOR
ESCALOPES DE VEAU
A L'ESTRAGON AVEC ENDIVES
GRATINEED WITH CHEESE.
NO, I'LL GIVE YOU
A CLUE.
AH! BRIAN CLOSE.
( laughter )
NO, NO.
BRIAN INGLIS,
BRIAN JOHNSON,
BRYAN FORBES.
NO, NO.
NANETTE NEWMAN.
NO, WHAT SWIMS
IN THE SEA
AND GETS CAUGHT
IN NETS?
HENRI BERGSON.
NO!
GOATS.
UNDERWATER GOATS WITH
SNORKELS AND FLIPPERS.
A BUFFALO
WITH AN AQUALUNG.
NO.
REGINALD MAUDLING.
YES, THAT'S NEAR ENOUGH,
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
RIGHT NOW, MRS. SCUM,
YOU HAVE WON YOUR PRIZE.
DO YOU STILL WANT
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD?
YES, YES.
I'LL OFFER YOU
A POKE IN THE EYE.
NO, I WANT THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD.
A PUNCH
IN THE THROAT?
NO!
ALL RIGHT THEN,
A KICK IN THE
KNEECAP.
NO.
MRS. SCUM,
I'M OFFERING YOU
A BOOT IN THE TEETH
AND A DAGGER
UP THE STRAP.
( hesitantly ):
ER...
Audience members ( shouting ):
TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!
NO, I'LL TAKE
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
VERY WELL THEN,
MRS. SCUM
YOU HAVE WON
TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE--
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!
( ding )
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS
Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH EducationaL Foundation]
( applause )
( music ends with fart )