Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 2, Episode 6 - It's a Living - full transcript

Sketches include: The time on BBC 1, School Prize Giving, Films by Mr. Dibley, Timmy Williams Interview, Election Night Special

Hello, good evening, and welcome
to 'It's A Living'.

The rules are very simple:
each week we get a large fee;

at the end of that week
we get another large fee;

if there's been no interruption at
the end of the year we get a repeat fee

which can be added on for tax purposes
to the previous year or the following
year if there's no new series.

Every contestant, in addition
to getting a large fee is entitled
to three drinks at the BBC

or if the show is over, seven drinks

- unless he is an MP, in which case
he can have seven drinks before the show,

or a bishop only three drinks in toto.

The winners will receive an additional
fee, a prize which they can flog back

and a special fee for a guest
appearance on 'Late Night Line Up'.



Well, those are the rules, that's
the game, we'll be back again same
time next week. Till then. Bye-bye.

Well, it's five past nine
and nearly time for six past nine.

On BBC 2 now it'll shortly be six
and a half minutes past nine.

Later on this evening it'll be
10 o'clock and at 10.30 we'll be
joining BBC 2 in time for 10.33,

and don't forget tomorrow
when it'll be 9.20.

Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday
will be able to see it again
this Friday at a quarter to nine.

Now here is a time check. It's 6 and
1/2 minutes to the big green thing.

- You're a loony.
- I get so bored, I get so bloody bored.

- This way, please.
- Righto, I'm coming.

Yes sir, it's this way.

Bloody hell, where are the lights?

What is this?
Where are they?

How was this turned off?

Oh it won't stop!



Where are the lights?
Oh, here they are...

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-

You probably noticed that I didn't
say 'and now for something
completely different' just now.

This is simply because I am unable
to appear in the show this week.

Sorry to interrupt.

I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but
my tooth's hurting, just around here.

- Get off.
- Oh, sorry.

I'm not sorry to interrupt,

I'll interrupt anything if it gets
people looking in my direction

like at my old school where,
by a coincidence,

the annual prize giving is going on
at this very moment.

My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress,

it gives me very great pleasure
to return to my old school,

to present the prizes
in this centenary year.

This school takes very justifiable
pride in its fine record of... aaagh!

... scholarship and
sporting achievement in all... aaagh!

I'm, I'm afraid there's been a mistake.
The man who has been speaking to you
is an impostor.

He is not in fact
the Bishop of East Anglia,

but a man wanted by the police.

I am the Bishop of East Anglia

and anyone who doesn't believe me
can look me up in the book.

Now then, the first prize is
this beautiful silver cup,

which has been won by me.

Next we come to
the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy

for outstanding achievement
in the field of Applied Mathematics.

Well, there was no-one this year
who reached the required standard

so it goes in my sack.

And by an old rule of the school
all the other silver trophies
also go in my sack ... aaagh!

Velly solly for hold-up ...
no ploblem now ...

me are Bishop of East Anglia,
now piesent plizes...

Eyes down for first plize...

The Fyffe-Chulmleigh Spoon for
Latin Elegaics... goes to...

People's Republic of China! Aaaagh!

Good evening, everybody. My name's Bradshaw
Inspector Elizabeth Bradshaw,
of the Special Branch Speech Day Squad,

but I'd like you to think of me
as the Bishop of East Anglia,

and I'd like to present the first prize,
the Grimwade Gynn Trophy to...

Lady Mayoress, ladies, gentlemen and boys.

Please do not panic.

Please keep your heads right down now,

and at the back please keep
your heads right down.

Do not panic, don't look round,
this building is surrounded.

There is nothing to worry about.
I am the Bishop of East Anglia.

Now the first prize is the Granville Cup

for French Unseen Translation...

and it goes to Forbes Minor...
Forbes Minor...
Right, give him covering fire...

Come on Forbes. Come on boy.
Come and get it. Keep down.
Well done...

Oh... bad luck! The next prize...

Mr L.F. Dibley's latest film 'if'.

Mr Dibley, some people have drawn
comparisons between your film, 'if',

which ends with a gun battle
at a public school,

and Mr Lindsay Anderson's film, 'if',
which ends with a gun battle
at a public school.

Oh yes, well, I mean, there were
some people who said my film

'2001 - A Space Odyssey',
was similar to Stanley Kubrick's.

I mean, that's the sort of petty critical
niggling that's dogged my career.

It makes me sick. I mean,
as soon as I'd made 'Midnight Cowboy'

with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo,
John Schlesinger rushes out his version,

and gets it premiered while mine's
still at the chemist's.

Well, we have with us tonight
one of your films, 'Rear Window',

which was to become such a success
for Alfred Hitchcock a few weeks later.

Now this is a silent film, so perhaps
you could talk us through it...

Yes, well, let's see now...
There's the rear window.

There's the man looking out
of the window. He sees the murder.

The murderer's come into the room
to kill him, but he's outwitted him
and he's all right. The End.

I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's
supposed to be so bloody wonderful,

padded that out to 1 and 1/2 hours...
Lost all the tension

just because he had bloody Grace Kelly
he made ?3 million more than I did.

Mind you, at least she can act a bit,
I could have done with her
in 'Finian's Rainbow'...

The man from the off-licence
was terrible...

a real failure that was
- 10 seconds of solid boredom.

Bloody terrible.

Mr L. F. Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow'.
And now over to me.

Exclusively on the programme today
we have the Foreign Secretary,

who has just returned from the
bitter fighting in the Gulf of Amman.

He's going to tell us about canoeing.

That gives you just some idea
of what's going on out there.

Today saw the long-awaited publication
of the Portman Committee's Report

on Industrial Reorganization...

It's taken five years to prepare and
it's bound to have an enormous impact

on the future of industrial relations
in this country.

In the studio tonight Lord Portman,
Chairman of the Committee,

Sir Charles Avery,
Employers' Reorganization Council,

and Ray Millichope, leader
of the Allied Technicians' Union.

And they're going to make a human pyramid.

Bra...vo.

Now the President of the Board of Trade.

Now here's the Vice-Chairman of ICI.

Good evening.

So much for politics and the problems
of Britain's industrial reorganization.

Now we turn to
the lighter subject of sport,

and Reg Harris, the former
world cycling sprint champion,

talks to us about the psychological
problems of big race preparation.

And now the world of song
- Anne Zeigler and Webster Booth.

Well, all good things must come to
an end, and that's all for this week.

But to close our programme,
Dame Irene Stoat, who celebrates
her 85th birthday this month,

reads one of her most famous poems.

'Who shall declare this good, that ill

When good and ill so intertwine

But to fulfil the vast design
of an omniscient will.

When seeming again but turns to loss

When earthly treasure proves but dross

And what seems lost but turns again

To high eternal gain.

We had the most marvelous holiday.
It was absolutely fantastic.

- Michael, you tell them about it.
- No, darling, you tell them.
You do it so much better.

Excuse me a moment.

- Dung, sir.
- What?

- We've got your dung.
- What dung?

Your dung. Three hundredweight of
heavy droppings. Where do you want it?

- I didn't order any dung.
- Yes you did, sir. You ordered it
through the Book of the Month Club.

Book of the Month Club?

That's right, sir.
You get 'Gone with the Wind',
'Les Miserables' by Victor Hugo,

'The French Lieutenant's Woman' and
with every third book you get dung.

- I didn't know that when I signed the form.
- Well, no, no.

It wasn't on the form, they found it
wasn't good for business. Anyway, we've
got 300 weight of dung in the van.

- Where do you want it?
- Well, I don't think we do.
We've no garden.

- It'll all fit in here; it's top-class
excrement. - You can't put it in here,
we've having a dinner party!

's alright. I'll put it on the telly.

Darling... there's a man here
with our Book of the Month Club dung.

We've no room, dear.

- How many rooms have you got, then?
- Well, there's only this room,
the bedroom, a spare room.

I'll tell you what, move everything
into the main bedroom, then you can use
the spare room as a dung room.

- Yes.
- Dead Indian.

Have you recently bought a new cooker, sir?
Ah well, this is your free dead Indian,
as advertised...

- I didn't see that in the adverts...
- No, it's in the very small print,
you see, sir,

- so as not to affect the sales.
- We've no room.

That's all right,
you can put the dead Indian
in the spare room on top of the dung.

- Me ... heap dizzy.

- He's not dead!
- Oh well, that's probably a faulty cooker.

Have you, er... you read and enjoyed
'The French Lieutenant's Woman', then?

No.

- No... still, it's worth it
for the dung, isn't it?
- Darling, it's the Milk Marketing Board.

For every two cartons of single cream
we get the M4 motorway.

Are you Mr and Mrs P. Forbes of 7,
the Studios, Elstree?

- Yes.
- Right, well, get in the car.
We've won you in a police raffle.

Yes! This couple is just one of the
prizes in this year's Police Raffle.

Other prizes include two years
for breaking and entering,

a crate of search warrants,
a 'What's all this then?' T-shirt

and a weekend for two with a skinhead
of your own choice.

And that's not all. Three fabulous
new prizes have just been added,

a four-month supply
of interesting undergarments

a fully motorized pig

and a hand-painted scene
of Arabian splendour,

complete with silly walk.

Finally add the sliced meat,

the vegetetables and voil?!

Personally I prefer
more classical dishes.

Nigel! Wonderful to see you,
super, super, super.

- Am I a teeny bit late?
- A bit, an hour.

Oh, super! Only Snowdon's been
re-touching my profile and we can't
upset the lovely Snowdon, can we?

David Bloggs... the one and only...
Super to see you.

Who are you working for? Come and
work for me, I'll call you tomorrow.

It's really lovely to have
this little chat with you.

It is so nice to have
this little talk about things.

I heard a teeny rumourlette
that you were married.

- Well, not quite, no.
My wife's just died, actually.
- Oh dear.

Brian! We must get together again soon.
See you. Bye.

- Well, perhaps we could do
a tribute to her on the show.
- Well, no. I...

I'll get Peter, William, Arthur,
Alex, Joan, Ted, Scott, Will,
John and Ray to fix it up.

It is so nice having this little chat.

- Well, actually Timmy, I'm glad to get
you on your own...
- You don't mind if Peter just sits in?

- Well, actually...
- Only he's doing an article on me
for the 'Mail'.

- He's such a lovely person.
- Hello.

Peter, this is one of the nicest people
in the world, Nigel Watt.

W-A-double T. That's right, yes.

Well, actually, Timmy, the thing is,
it's a bit private.

Oh, you don't mind if Peter just sits in,
do you? Only Peter's writing a book on me.

- Peter, you know Tony from the 'Mail',
don't you?
- We met in the Turkish bath yesterday.

- Super, super. Did it come up well
in the writing yesterday?
- Great, great, great.

- You took out the tummy references?
- Yes, I did.

Super, super, super.
Just to fill you in, this is Nigel Watt

and we are having a little
heart-to-heart. H-E-A-R-T. Smashing.

Do go on, Nigel.

Well, well, the thing is, Timmy, um...

Carry on, it's the 'TV Times', only they
syndicate these photographs to America.

Would you mind if we just er...

Super, super. One over here, I think, Bob.
A little smile, please...

Smashing, smashing.
Feel free, Bob, to circulate, won't you.

- Do go on, this is most interesting.
- Well, the thing is, Timmy,
I'm a bit embarrassed.

Oh, Mr Williams, it's so nice
to see you. Will you sign this
for my little daughter, please?

Hello, Mario. Super, wonderful.
Just two lovely coffees, please.

Sorry, sorry, Timmy. Can we just go
from where Mario comes in,
we're getting bad sound, OK?

It's German television.
Isn't it exciting, Nigel? They're doing
a prize-winning documentary on me.

'The Wonderful Mr Williams',
scene 239, take 2.

Action!

Mario, how super to see you.
How are the lovely family?

Please give your little daughter this.
Thank you.
And just two lovely coffees, please.

Such a lovely waiter. Now, go on
please, this is most interesting.

Well ... er... as I was saying,
Timmy, my wife's gone... gone.

I've got three children
and I'm at my wits end.

No job, no insurance, no money at all.

I'm absolutely flat broke,
I just don't know where to turn.

I... I'm absolutely at the end
of my tether. You're my only chance.
Can you help me, please, Timmy?

Sorry, I was on the phone to America.

It's been super having
this lovely little chat.
We must do this again more often.

Er... will you get the coffees?
I'm afraid I must dash, I'm
an hour late for the Israeli Embassy.

- Did you get that shot all right, sound?
- Yes, fine.

- It... it wasn't a bit too wicked,
was it? I mean, it wasn't too cruel?
- No, no, no. It was great.

No, super... well, er...
I think it shows I'm human, don't you?

- Yes, great.
- Super. Well, the charabanc's here.

Go on, everybody. Bye.

Timmy Williams' 'Coffee Time' was brought
to you live from Woppi's in Holborn.

Good evening. I have with me
in the studio tonight

one of the country's leading
skin specialists - Raymond Luxury Yacht.

That's not my name.

I'm sorry - Raymond Luxury Yach-t.

No, no, no - it's spelt
Raymond Luxury Yach-t, but
it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'.

You're a very silly man and
I'm not going to interview you.

- Ah, anti-semitism!
- Not at all. It's not even
a proper nose.

- It's polystyrene.
- Give me my nose back.

- You can collect it at reception.
Now go away.
- I want to be on the television.

Well you can't.

All clear.

Hi there, big boy...

- Hey, cutie.
- Hello, tiger.

Tiger! Tiger!

Tiger!

- Er, excuse me, I want to get married.
- I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.

Er, no, no. I just want to get married.

I could get a divorce, I suppose,
but it'll be a bit of a wrench.

Er, no, no. That wouldn't
be necessary because...

You see, would you come to my place
or should I have to come to yours,
because I've just got a big mortgage.

- No, no, I want to get married here.
- Oh dear. I had my heart set
on a church wedding.

Look, I just want you to marry me...

I want to marry you too sir, but
it's not as simple as that.

- You sure you want to get married?
- Yes. I want to get married very quickly.

- Suits me, sir. Suits me.
- I don't want to marry you!

- There is such a thing as breach
of promise, sir.
- Look, I just want you to act

- ... as registrar and marry me.
- I will marry you sir,
but please make up your mind.

- Please don't trifle with my affections.
- I'm sorry, but...

That's all right, sir. I forgive you.
Lovers' tiff.

But you're not the first person
to ask me today. I've turned down
several people already.

- Look, I'm already engaged.
- Yes, and I'm already married.
Still we'll get round it.

- Good morning. I want to get married.
- I'm afraid I'm already marrying
this gentleman, sir.

- Well, can I get married after him?
- Well, divorce isn't as quick
as that, sir. Still, if you're keen.

- I want to get married, please.
- Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it.

All right, but you'll have to wait
until I've married these two, sir.

What, those two getting married...
Nigel What are you doing marrying him?

- He's marrying me first, sir.
- He's engaged to me.

- Come on, Henry.
- Blimey, the wife.

- Will you marry me?
- I'm already married.

Well, things turned out
all right in the end,

but you musn't ask how 'cos it's naughty.

They're all married and living quite well
in a council estate near Dulwich.

Today I want to tell you a story.

Once upon a time,
there was an enchanted prince

who ruled the land...

One day he discovered
a spot on his face.

Foolishly he ignored it.
And 3 years later, he died of

gangrene.

The spot soon set out
to seek its fortune...

Did you see who's just
moved in next door?

Yes, black as the ace of spades.

Oh, there goes the neighbourhood!
Them and their smelly cooking.

- And the noise...
- And they breed like rabbits.

Oh yes...

Hello and welcome to
'Election Night Special'.

There's great excitement here as we
should be getting the first results
through any minute now. We don't know

where it'll be from... it might be
Leicester or from Luton. The polling's
been quite heavy in both areas...

oh, wait a moment, I'm just getting...
I'm just getting a loud buzzing noise
in my left ear. Excuse me a moment.

Anyway, let's go straight over
to James Gilbert at Leicester.

Well it's a straight fight
here at Leicester...

On the left of the Returning Officer
you can see Arthur Smith,
the Sensible candidate and his agent,

and on the other side is the silly
candidate Jethro Walrustitty
with his agent and his wife.

Here is the result for Leicester.

Arthur J. Smith... (Sensible Party)

30 612.

Jehro Q. Walrustitty... (Silly Party)

32 108.

Well, there's the first result
and the Silly Party has held Leicester.
What do you make of that, Norman?

Well, this is largely as I predicted,
except that the Silly Party won.

I think this is mainly due to the
number of votes cast. Gerald?

Well there's a swing here to
the Silly Party... but how big a swing
I'm not going to tell you.

Well, if I may... I think the
interesting thing here is
the big swing to the Silly Party

and of course the very large swing back
to the Sensible Party... and a tendency
to wobble up and down in the middle
because the screw's loose.

- No, I'm afraid I can't think of anything.
- I can't add anything to that. Colin?

Can I butt in at this point and say
this is in fact the very first time
I've appeared on television.

No, no we haven't time, because we're
just going straight over to Luton.

Here at Luton it's a 3-cornered fight

between Alan Jones (Sensible Party),
in the middle,

Tarquin Fin- tim- lim- bim- whin- bim-
lim- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Ol?-
Biscuitbarrel (Silly Party),

and Kevin Phillips-Bong,
the Slightly Silly candidate.

Alan Jones (On the left, Sensible Party)

9 112.

Kevin Phillips-Bong
(On the right, Slightly Silly)

Nought...

Tarquin Fin- tim- lin- bin- whin- bim-
lin- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Ol?-
Biscuitbarrel...

(Silly)

12 441.

And so the Silly Party has taken Luton.

A gain for the Silly Party at Luton.
The first gain of the election, Norman?

Well this is a highly significant result.
Luton, normally a very sensible constituency

with a high proportion of people who aren't
a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.

Do we have the swing at Luton?

Well, I've worked out the swing,
but it's a secret.

Er, well, ah, there... there isn't
the swing, how about a swong?

Well, I've got the swong here
in this box and it's looking fine.

I can see through the breathing holes
that it's eating up peanuts
at the rate of knots.

And how about the swang?

Well, it's 29% up over 600 feet
but it's a little bit soft
around the edges about...

What do you make of the nylon dot
cardigan and plastic mule rest?

- There's no such thing.
- Thank you, Spike.

Can I just come in here and say that
the swong has choked itself to death.

- Well, the election's really
beginning to hot up now.
- I can't add anything to that.

Can I just add at this point
that this is in fact the second time
I've ever been on television?

I'm sorry, Sasha, we're just about
to get another result.

Hello, from Harpenden.
This is a key seat because in addition
to the official Silly candidate

there is an independent
Very Silly candidate

who may split the Silly vote.

- Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
(Silly)

26 317.

James Walker (Sensible)

26 318.

That was close.

Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian

Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday
Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable

Arthur Norman Michael Featherstone

Smith Northgot Edwards Harris

Mason Frampton Jones Fruitbat

Gilbert 'We'll keep a welcome in the'

Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin

Tiger-draws Pratt Thompson
'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head'

Darcy Carter Pussycat

'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton

Mannering Smith (Very Silly)

2.

Well there you have it.
A Sensible gain at Driffield.

Norman...

Well, I've just heard from Luton
that my auntie's ill, er, possibly,

possibly gastro-enteritis - Gerald.

Er, well, if this were repeated
over the whole country it's probably
be very messy. Colin.

Can I just butt in and say here
that it's probably the last time
I shall ever appear on television.

No I'm afraid you can't,
we haven't got time. Just to bring you
up to date with a few results,
er, that you may have missed.

Engelbert Humperdinck has taken
Barrow-in-Furness,

that's a gain from Ann Haydon-Jones
and her husband Pip.

Arthur Negus has held Bristols.

That's not a result,
that's a bit of gossip.

Mary Whitehouse has just taken umbrage.
Could it be a bit of trouble there.

And apparently Wales is not swinging
at all. No surprise there.

And... Monty Python has held the credits.