Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Ant, an Introduction - full transcript

( panting, explosions )

IT'S...

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

( audience applauding )

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )

[Captioning sponsored by THE
U. S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

( music ends with quack )

( guitarplays
with Spanish flavor )

( castanets clacking )

SENORES, SENORAS Y SENORITAS,
BUENAS NOCHES.



Both:
BUENAS NOCHES.

ESTA NOCHE
PRESENTAMOS
CON MUCHO GUSTO

INFORMACION INTERESANTE
ACERCA DE LA LLAMA.

Both:
LA LLAMA!

AY-YA!

( speaking Spanish... )

AMAZONAS!

PA-PA-PA!

OLE!

( trilling )

( singing in Spanish ):

CUIDADO, LLAMAS!

( singing ):

CUIDADO, CUIDADO, CUIDADO,
CUIDADO LAS LLAMAS.



( bag pops )

OLE!

( applause )

FINE.

( laughter )

OKAY.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:

A MAN WITH A TAPE RECORDER
UP HIS NOSE.

( "La Marseillaise"playing )

( music stops )

( music rewinds )

( laughter )

( "La Marseillaise"playing )

( music ceases )

( light applause )

Man:
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:

THE OFFICE
OF SIR GEORGE HEAD, O. B. E.

NEXT, PLEASE.

( door opens )

AH, ONE AT A
TIME, PLEASE.

( laughter )

THERE IS ONLY
ME, SIR.

( laughter )

SO THERE IS.

AH, TAKE A, UM...

( snapping fingers )

SEAT?

SEAT, SEAT--
TAKE A SEAT.

SO, YOU WANT TO JOIN

MY MOUNTAINEERING
EXPEDITION, DO YOU?

( laughter )

ME, SIR?

YES.

YES, I'D VERY MUCH
LIKE TO, SIR.

JOLLY GOOD,
JOLLY GOOD.

AND HOW ABOUT YOU?

( laughter )

THERE IS ONLY
ME, SIR.

WELL, BANG GOES
HIS APPLICATION THEN.

NOW, LET ME
FILL YOU IN.

I'M LEADING
THIS EXPEDITION

AND WE'RE
GOING TO CLIMB

BOTH PEAKS OF
MOUNT KILIMANJARO.

I THOUGHT THERE WAS
ONLY ONE PEAK, SIR.

( light laughter )

WELL, THAT'LL
SAVE A BIT OF TIME.

WELL, THEN.

NOW, THE OBJECT OF
THIS EXPEDITION IS

TO SEE IF WE CAN FIND

ANY TRACES OF LAST
YEAR'S EXPEDITION.

( laughter )

LAST YEAR'S
EXPEDITION?

YES, MY BROTHER
WAS LEADING THAT.

THEY WERE
GOING TO BUILD

A BRIDGE BETWEEN
THE TWO PEAKS.

( laughter )

MY IDEA,
I'M AFRAID.

NOW, I OUGHT
TO TELL YOU

THAT I HAVE
PRACTICALLY
EVERYONE

THAT I NEED FOR
THIS EXPEDITION.

SO WHAT SPECIAL
QUALIFICATIONS
DO YOU HAVE?

WELL, SIR...

YES, YOU FIRST.

THERE IS
ONLY ME, SIR.

I WASN'T
TALKING TO YOU.

CARRY ON.

WELL, I'M A FULLY
QUALIFIED MOUNTAINEER.

MOUNTAINEER?

MOUNTAINEER?

MOUND... MOUNTAIN...

A MOUNTAINEER:

TWO MEN SKILLED IN
CLIMBING MOUNTAINS.

( laughter )

JOLLY GOOD,
WELL, YOU'RE IN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

BOTH OF YOU.

NOW, WHAT ARE
YOUR NAMES?

ARTHUR WILSON.

ARTHUR WILSON, RIGHT.

WELL, LOOK, I'LL CALL
YOU ARTHUR WILSON ONE

AND YOU
ARTHUR WILSON TWO

JUST TO AVOID
CONFUSION.

ARE YOU ACTUALLY
LEADING THIS
EXPEDITION, SIR?

YES, WE ARE LEADING

THIS EXPEDITION
TO AFRICA.

( laughter )

AND WHAT ROUTES WILL
YOU BOTH BE TAKING?

GOOD QUESTIONS.

SHALL I?

FINE.

( laughter )

WELL, WE'LL BE
LEAVING ON JANUARY 22

AND TAKING THE
FOLLOWING ROUTES:

THE A23s THROUGH PURLEYS

DOWN ONTO THE MAIN ROADS
NEAR PURBRIGHTS--

AVOIDING LEATHERHEADS--
AND THEN TAKING THE A231s

ENTERING ROTTINGDEANS
FROM THE NORTH.

FROM ROTTINGDEANS, WE GO
THROUGH AFRICA TO NAIROBIS.

WE TAKE THE SOUTH ROAD
OUT OF NAIROBIS

FOR ABOUT 12 MILES AND THEN ASK.

( laughter )

DOES ANYONE SPEAK
SWAHILI, SIR?

OH, YES, I THINK MOST
OF THEM DO DOWN THERE.

DOES ANYONE IN
OUR PARTY SPEAK
SWAHILI, SIR?

WELL, MATRON'S GOT A SMATTERING.

APART FROM THE TWO MATRONS...

GOOD GOD, I
FORGOT ABOUT HER.

APART FROM THEM,
WHO ELSE IS COMING

ON THE EXPEDITION, SIR?

WELL, WE'VE GOT
THE ARTHUR BROWN TWINS

TWO BOTANISTS
CALLED MACHIN

THE WILLIAM
JOHNSTON BROTHERS...

TWO OF THEM.

NO, FOUR OF THEM--

PAIR OF
IDENTICAL TWINS.

AND A COUPLE OF THE
KEN SPINOZA QUADS.

THE OTHER TWO
PULLED OUT.

AND, OF COURSE,
YOU TWO.

AND NONE OF THESE
ARE MOUNTAINEERS?

WELL, YOU TWO ARE.

AND WE'VE GOT
A BRACE OF GUIDES

CALLED JIMMY BLENKINSOP

BECAUSE KILIMANJARO'S
A PRETTY TRICKY
CLIMB, YOU KNOW.

MOST OF IT'S UP

TILL YOU REACH
THE VERY, VERY TOP

AND THEN IT TENDS
TO SLOPE AWAY
RATHER SHARPLY.

BUT JIMMY'S PUT
HIS HEADS TOGETHER

AND WORKED OUT
A WAY UP-- JIMMY?

I DON'T BELIEVE
YOU'VE MET.

JIMMY BLENKINSOP,
ARTHUR WILSON.

ARTHUR WILSON,
JIMMY BLENKINSOP.

ARTHUR WILSON TWO,
JIMMY BLENKINSOP ONE.

JIMMY BLENKINSOP ONE,
ARTHUR WILSON TWO.

CARRY ON, JIMMYS.

DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE, UH...

WE'LL GET HIM
UP SOMEHOW.

NOW, THE APPROACH
TO KILIMANJARO

IS, QUITE SIMPLY,
OVER THE FOOTHILLS.

AND THEN WE GO
ON AFTER THAT

UP TO SET A BASE CAMP

SOMEWHERE IN THE REGION
OF THE BOTTOM OF THE GLACIER

WHEN AFTER THE
GLACIER WE'LL FIND...

( crashing drowns out talking )

AND OF COURSE, WE HAVE THIS
RATHER DIFFICULT CLIMB...

( crashing )

( loud crashing )

YOU'LL BE LEADING
THE FIRST ASSAULT.

WELL, I'M AFRAID
I SHAN'T BE COMING

ON YOUR EXPEDITION, SIR

AS I'VE ABSOLUTELY NO CONFIDENCE
IN ANYONE INVOLVED IN IT.

( door closes )

OH DEAR.

WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU?

WELL, I'M GAME, SIR.

SO ARE WE.

Both:
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:

A MAN WITH A TAPE RECORDER
UP HIS BROTHER'S NOSE.

( laughter )

( "La Marseillaise"playing )

( music ceases )

( rewinding )

( laughter )

( two tracks of
"La Marseillaise"playing )

( music ceases )

( one person applauds )

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

( speaking Latin )

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED
THE ADVANTAGES

OF OWNING A REALLY FINE
SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS?

( speaking Latin )

FOR ONLY TEN SHILLINGS.

Woman:
GEORGE...

LOUISE, I TOLD YOU NEVER
TO CALL ME AT THE OFFICE.

( speaking Latin )

( grunting, smooching )

( clears throat )

( speaking Latin )

( groans )

( bell dings )

CONGRATULATIONS, SIR.

YOU'VE JUST ONE
THIS LOVELY CUPIE DOLL.

Gruff man:
GET OFF!

AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU PANSY!

MORNING.

( nervously ):
AH, MORNING SIR,
MORNING, MORNING.

I'LL B-B-BE WITH
YOU IN A MINUTE.

OH, FINE, FINE.

( chuckles )

( hums )

( metallic
clanging )

( chuckles )

( hums )

( whistles )

( sniffing )

( laughter )

UM, HOW... HOW DO
YOU LIKE IT, SIR?

JUST SHORT BACK
AND SIDES, PLEASE.

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

JUST ORDINARY SHORT
BACK AND SIDES.

IT'S NOT A,
UM, A RAZOR CUT...

( maniacally ):
RAZOR RAZOR RAZOR RAZOR CUT!

BLOOD SPURT ARTERY MURDER!

OH, THANK GOD,
THANK GOD.

IT'S JUST,
UH... SCISSORS.

YES, YES.

YOU WOULDN'T RATHER HAVE IT
JUST COMBED, WOULD YOU, SIR?

I BEG YOUR
PARDON?

YOU WOULDN'T RATHER
FORGET ALL ABOUT IT?

NO, NO, NO,
I WANT IT CUT.

CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT!

BLOOD SPURT ARTERY MURDER!

HITCHCOCK PSYCHO BLOOD DAMN IT!

( laughter )

RIGHT, SO I'LL GET
E-E-EVERYTHING READY.

IN THE MEANTIME

PERHAPS YOU'D FILL
IN ONE OF THESE.

ALL RIGHT,
FINE, YES.

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT?

WHERE IT SAYS
"NEXT OF KIN"

SHOULD I
PUT "MOTHER"?

( impatiently ):
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.

THERE WE ARE.

THANK YOU.

RIGHT.

HA HA.

( chuckles )

HA HA.

( whistles )

( whistles )

( gasps )

( whistles )

( snipping )

THERE. FINISHED.

I FINISHED
CUTTING CUTTING

CUTTING CUTTING CUTTING
CUTTING CUTTING YOUR HAIR.

IT'S ALL DONE.

YOU HAVEN'T
STARTED CUTTING IT.

I HAVE.

I DID IT VERY QUICKLY,
YOUR HONOR...

SIR... SIR, SIR, SIR.

LOOK HERE,
OLD FELLOW.

I KNOW WHEN A CHAP'S
CUT MY HAIR

AND WHEN HE HASN'T

SO WILL YOU PLEASE
STOP FOOLING AROUND

AND GET ON WITH IT?

YES... YES,
I WILL, SIR.

I'M GOING TO CUT
YOUR HAIR, SIR.

I'M GOING TO START
CUTTING YOUR HAIR, SIR.

START CUTTING-- NOW.

( tape recorder
plays scissors snipping )

Barber ( recorded ):
Nice day, sir.

YES, FLOWERS COULD DO
WITH A DROP OF RAIN THERE.

You see the match
Last night, sir?

YEAH, GOOD GAME,
I THOUGHT.

( over buzzing ):
I thought Hurst pLayed
weLL, sir.

BEG YOUR PARDON?

( louder ):
I thought Hurst pLayed weLL.

OH, YES, ONLY ONE
WHO DID, THOUGH.

Can you put your head
down a LittLe, sir?

OH, SORRY.

( razor buzzing )

I prefer to watch
PaLace nowadays.

Oh, sorry, was that your ear?

NO, NO, DIDN'T
FEEL A THING.

HEY! WHAT'S
GOING ON?

Yes, it is a nice
sport, isn't it?

IT LOOKS VERY
NICE, SIR.

IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME
AS WHEN I FIRST CAME IN.

ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT,
I CONFESS

I HAVEN'T CUT
YOUR HAIR.

I HATE CUTTING HAIR.

I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE
UN-UN-UN-UNCONTROLLABLE FEAR

WHENEVER I SEE HAIR.

WHEN I WAS A KID

I USED TO HATE THE SIGHT
OF HAIR BEING CUT.

MY MOTHER SAID
I WAS A FOOL.

SHE SAID THE ONLY
WAY TO CURE IT

WAS BECOME A BARBER.

SO I SPENT FIVE
GHASTLY YEARS

IN THE HAIRDRESSER'S
TRAINING CENTER AT TOTNES.

CAN YOU IMAGINE
WHAT IT'S LIKE--

CUTTING THE SAME
HEAD FOR FIVE YEARS!?

I DIDN'T WANT TO
BE A BARBER ANYWAY.

I WANTED TO BE A LUMBERJACK.

LEAPING FROM TREE TO TREE

AS THEY FLOAT DOWN THE MIGHTY
RIVERS OF BRITISH COLUMBIA.

THE GIANT REDWOOD, THE LARCH,
THE FIR, THE MIGHTY SCOTS PINE.

THE SMELL OF FRESH-CUT TIMBER!

THE CRASH OF MIGHTY TREES!

WITH MY BEST GIRLIE BY MY SIDE.

WE'D SING... SING... SING!

I'M A LUMBERJACK
AND I'M OKAY

I SLEEP ALL NIGHT,
I WORK ALL DAY

HE'SA LUMBERJACK
AND HE'S OKA Y

HE SLEEPSALL NIGHT
AND HE WORKSALL DA Y.

I CUT DOWN TREES,
I EAT MY LUNCH

I GO TO THE LAVATORY

ON WEDNESDAYS I GO SHOPPING

AND HAVE BUTTERED SCONES
FOR TEA.

HE CUTS DOWN TREES,
HE EATS HIS LUNCH

HE GOES TO THE LA VATORY

ON WEDNESDA YS
HE GOES SHOPPING

AND HAS BUTTERED SCONES
FOR TEA.

HE'SA LUMBERJACK
AND HE'S OKA Y

HE SLEEPSALL NIGHT
AND HE WORKSALL DA Y.

I CUT DOWN TREES,
I SKIP AND JUMP

I LIKE TO PRESS WILD FLOWERS

I PUT ON WOMEN'S CLOTHING

AND HANG AROUND IN BARS.

HE CUTS DOWN TREES,
HE SKIPSANDJUMPS

HE LIKES
TO PRESS WILD FLOWERS

HE PUTS ON WOMEN'S CLOTHING

AND HANGSAROUND IN BARS?

HE'SA LUMBERJACK
AND HE'S OKA Y

HE SLEEPS
ALL NIGHT

AND HE WORKS
ALL DA Y.

I CUT DOWN TREES,
I WEAR HIGH HEELS

SUSPENDERS AND A BRA

I WISH I'D BEEN A GIRLIE,
JUST LIKE MY DEAR MAMA.

ALL:
HE CUTS DOWN TREES,
HE WEARS HIGH HEELS...

SUSPENDERS
AND A BRA

A BRA!

I WISH I'D
BEEN A GIRLIE

JUST LIKE MY DEAR MAMA.

( tearfully ):
OH, BEVIS!

AND I THOUGHT
YOU WERE SO RUGGED.

Man:
"DEAR SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN
IN THE STRONGEST POSSIBLE TERMS

"ABOUT THE SONG WHICH
YOU HAVE JUST BROADCAST

"ABOUT THE LUMBERJACK
WHO WEARS WOMEN'S CLOTHES.

"MANY OF MY BEST FRIENDS
ARE LUMBERJACKS

AND ONLY A FEW OF THEM
ARE TRANSVESTITES."

( audience laughs )

"YOURS FAITHFULLY

BRIGADIER SIR CHARLES
ARTHUR STRONG (MRS.)."

( audience laughs )

P. S. I HAVE NEVER KISSED
THE EDITOR OF THE RADIO TIMES.

WELL, I OBJECT TO ALL
THIS SEX ON THE TELEVISION.

I MEAN, I KEEP FALLING OFF.

( laughter )

WELL, I THINK TELEVISION'S
KILLED REAL ENTERTAINMENT.

IN THE OLD DAYS,
WE USED TO MAKE OUR OWN FUN.

AT CHRISTMAS PARTIES

I USED TO STRIKE MYSELF
ON THE HEAD REPEATEDLY

WITH BLUNT INSTRUMENTS,
WHILE CROONING.

ONLY MAKE-BELIEVE

I LOVE YOU.

ONLY MAKE-BELIEVE

THAT YOU LOVE ME.

OH! OW!

OTHERS FIND PEACE OF MIND...

( lightjazz playing )

GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

AND WELCOME TO THE REFRESHMENT
ROOM HERE AT BLETCHLEY.

( crowd applauds )

MY NAME IS KENNY LUST AND
I'M YOUR COMPERE FOR TONIGHT.

( applause )

YOU KNOW, ONCE IN A WHILE, IT
IS MY PLEASURE AND MY PRIVILEGE

TO WELCOME HERE
AT THE REFRESHMENT ROOM

SOME OF THE TRULY GREAT
INTERNATIONAL ARTISTS

OF OUR TIME.

( applause )

AND TONIGHT WE HAVE
ONE SUCH ARTIST.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

SOMEONE WHOM I'VE ALWAYS
PERSONALLY ADMIRED

PERHAPS MORE DEEPLY,
MORE STRONGLY

MORE ABJECTLY
THAN ANY OTHER PERFORMER...

( applause )

A MAN... WELL,
MORE THAN A MAN, A GOD...

( applause )

A GREAT GOD WHOSE PERSONALITY IS
SO TOTALLY AND UTTERLY WONDERFUL

THAT MY FEEBLE WORDS
OF WELCOME SOUND

WRETCHEDLY AND
PATHETICALLY INADEQUATE.

( applause )

SOMEONE WHOSE BOOTS
I WOULD GLADLY LICK CLEAN

UNTIL HOLES WORE
THROUGH MY TONGUE.

( applause )

A MAN WHO IS SO TOTALLY
AND UTTERLY WONDERFUL

THAT I WOULD RATHER BE SEALED
IN A PIT OF MY OWN FILTH

THAN DARE TREAD
ON THE SAME STAGE WITH HIM.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

THE INCOMPARABLY SUPERIOR
HUMAN BEING, HARRY FINK.

( crowd applauds )

Man:
HE CAN'T COME.

( audience laughs )

NEVER MIND.

HE'S NOT ALL
HE'S CRACKED UP TO BE.

( laughter )

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

WE GIVE YOU KEN BUDDHA
AND HIS INFLATABLE KNEES.

( two bangs )

KEN BUDDHA, A SMILE,
TWO BANGS AND A RELIGION.

NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FOR YOUR FURTHER ENTERTAINMENT

BRIAN ISLAM AND BRUCIE.

( livelyjug band
musicplaying )

( audience laughs )

( laughter )

SO, ANYWAY,
I BECAME A BARBER.

OH, POOR CHAP.

YES, PITY, REALLY.

I ALWAYS PREFERRED
THE OUTDOOR LIFE--

HUNTING, SHOOTING,
FISHING

GETTING OUT THERE
WITH A GUN

SLAUGHTERING A FEW
OF GOD'S CREATURES.

THAT WAS THE LIFE.

CHARGING ABOUT
THE MOORLAND

BLASTING
THEIR HEADS OFF.

( men murmuring )

( gunshots )

( audience laughing )

( laughter )

( snaps )

( gunshot )

( gunfire )

( gunshot )

( man cries out )

I'M SORRY, WE DON'T
NEED YOU THIS WEEK.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

( light, romanticjazz playing )

WOULD YOU... WOULD
YOU MIND TERRIBLY

IF... IF I HELD
YOUR HAND?

OH! OH, NO,
NOT AT ALL.

( nervous laugh )

OH, IRIS, YOU'RE
SO VERY BEAUTIFUL.

OH! OH, DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

I DO, I DO, I DO.

I THINK I'M BEGINNING
TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

OH, VICTOR!

HUH! SILLY, ISN'T IT?

NO! NO, NOT AT ALL

DEAR, SWEET VICTOR.

NO, I DIDN'T
MEAN THAT.

ONLY JUST US BEING
SO CLOSE TOGETHER

FOR SO MANY MONTHS IN
THE SOFT-TOY DEPARTMENT

AND YET
NEVER DARING TO...

OH! OH, VICTOR!

OH, IRIS!

( doorbell rings )

WHO CAN THAT BE?

OH, WELL, YOU TRY
AND GET RID OF THEM.

YES, I WILL,
I WILL, YES.

WON'T BE A MOMENT.

I'LL GET RID OF THEM.

HELLO!

HELLO?

REMEMBER ME?

OH, NO, I'M...

IN THE PUB--
THE TALL, THIN ONE

WITH THE MUSTACHE,
REMEMBER?

NO, I'M AFRAID...

ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO.

NO, I DON'T,
I'M AFRAID.

OH, BLIMEY,
IT'S DARK IN HERE.

THAT'S BETTER.

ONLY YOU SAID WE MUST HAVE
A DRINK TOGETHER SOMETIME

SO I THOUGHT I'D
TAKE YOU UP ON IT

AS THE FILM SOCIETY MEETING
WAS CANCELED THIS EVENING.

YES, BUT, LOOK,
TO BE FRANK

IT IS A LITTLE AWKWARD
THIS EVENING.

HELLO, I'M ARTHUR,
ARTHUR NAME.

NAME BY NAME
BUT NOT BY NATURE.

I ALWAYS SAY THAT,
DON'T I, VICKY BOY?

REALLY?

IS THAT YOUR WIFE?

UH, NO, ACTUALLY, BUT...

OH, I GET THE PICTURE.

EH? WELL, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME, VICKY BOY.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT
ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON!

MIND IF I CHANGE
THE RECORD?

NO, LOOK, LOOK,
WE PUT THAT ON.

OH, HERE'S A GOOD ONE.

I HEARD IT IN A PUB.

WHAT'S BROWN...

WHAT'S BROWN AND
SOUNDS LIKE A BELL?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

WHAT'S BROWN AND
SOUNDS LIKE A BELL?

DUNG!

( audience laughs )

THAT'S A GOOD ONE,
THAT ONE.

I LIKE THAT ONE.

THERE, I WON'T
KEEP YOU LONG.

( "Washington Post March"
playing )

OH, THAT'S BETTER.

NOW, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME.

I'LL WAIT HERE TILL
YOU'VE FINISHED.

( doorbell rings )

WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

OH, I'LL GET IT.

IT'LL BE FRIENDS OF MINE.

I TOOK THE LIBERTY
OF INVITING THEM ALONG.

LOOK, WE WERE
HOPING TO HAVE

A QUIET EVENING
ON OUR OWN.

OH, THEY WON'T MIND.

THEY'RE VERY BROAD-MINDED.

HELLO!

GOOD EVENING.

OH, GOOD EVENING.

MY NAME IS EQUATOR,
BRIAN EQUATOR.

LIKE ROUND THE
MIDDLE OF THE EARTH

ONLY WITH AN "L."

( guffaws loudly )

( laughs crudely )

THIS IS MY WIFE,
AUDREY.

SHE SMELLS A BIT, BUT
SHE HAS A HEART OF GOLD.

( laughs loudly )

WELL, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
SOME KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDING

BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE...

OH, WHO'S THAT THEN?

WHAT?

WHO'S THE BIRD?

WELL, I MEAN...

YOU GOT A NICE PAIR
THERE, HAVEN'T YOU, LOVE?

COME ON, GIVE US
A KISS.

( screaming )

SHUT UP, YOU SILLY BITCH,
IT WAS ONLY A BIT OF FUN.

NOW, LOOK HERE.

BIG GIN, PLEASE.

I'LL GET IT!

LOOK, LEAVE
THOSE DRINKS ALONE.

AND THREE TINS OF BEANS
FOR ME, PLEASE.

I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF
THE BEANS, YOU WHORE!

I ONLY WANT THREE CANS!

BUTTON YOUR LIP, YOU RAT-BAG!

( laughing )

IT WAS RATHER WITTY, WASN'T IT?

WHERE'S MY GIN?

( doorbell rings )

WHO THE HELL'S THAT?

OH, WHY, UH, I TOOK THE LIBERTY
OF INVITING AN OLD FRIEND ALONG

AS HIS WIFE HAS JUST PASSED AWAY
AND HE'S SOMEWHAT DISTRAUGHT

POOR CHAP.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT
A SIMPLY GHASTLY PLACE!

IT'S NOT TOO GOOD, IS IT?

A PINT OF CREME DE MENTHE
FOR MY FRIEND.

WELL, HOW ARE YOU,
YOU GREAT POOF?

BIT LUMPY.

( meowing )

AH, NO WONDER,
I WAS SITTING ON THE CAT.

( crying )

I BROUGHT ALONG THIS
SIMPLY GORGEOUS LITTLE MAN

I PICKED UP AT THE ODEON.

IS HE SEXY, THEN?

( sneezes )

I HAD TO BRING THE GOAT
AND HE'S NOT WELL.

I ONLY HOPE HE DON'T
GO ON THE CARPET.

COME ON, THEN, LOVE,
DROP THEM.

( screams )

BLIMEY, SHE DON'T
GO MUCH, DO SHE?

( chair crashes )

( laughing hysterically )

OH! I WET THEM.

THE GOAT'S...
GOAT'S DONE A BUNDLE.

( all talking at once )

NICE TO SEE YOU.

LOOK, GET OUT, ALL OF YOU.

GO ON, GET OUT!
GET OUT! GET OUT!

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I'M TURNING YOU ALL OUT.

I'M NOT HAVING MY HOUSE
FILLED WITH FILTHY PERVERTS.

NOW, LOOK, I'M GIVING
JUST HALF A MINUTE.

THEN I'M GOING TO CALL
THE POLICE, SO GET OUT.

I DON'T MUCH LIKE
THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE.

RIGHT, LET'S HAVE
A DING DONG.

( piano strikes note )

DING DONG! MERRILY ON HIGH

IN HEAV'N THE BELLS
ARE RINGING...

( gunshot )

DING DONG! VERILY THE SKY

IS RIV'N
WITH ANGELS SINGING

GLOR-OR-OR-IA

HOSANNA IN EXCELSIS.

Men:
CUIDA...

CUIDADO LLAMAS!

( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing, applause )

[Captioning sponsored by THE
U. S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS

Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH EducationaL Foundation]

( music ends )