Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 8 - Full Frontal Nudity - full transcript

Hmm...

Hmm...

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

Speaking as
a public opinion poll

I've had enough
of the permissive society.

I haven't had enough
of the permissive society.

I would not appear in a frontal
nude scene unless it was valid.

In 1943, a group
of british army officers

Working deep behind enemy lines

Carried out one of the most
dangerous and heroic raids



In the history of warfare.

But that's as may be.

And now...

Come in.

What do you want?

I'd like to leave
the army, please, sir.

Good heavens,
man, why?

It's dangerous.

What?

There are people
with guns

Out there, sir.

What?

Real guns, sir,
not toy ones, sir.

Proper ones, sir.



They've all got 'em,
all of 'em, sir.

And some of 'em

Have got tanks.

Watkins, they are on our side.

And grenades, sir,
and machine guns, sir.

So I'd like to leave, sir,
before I get killed, please.

Watkins, you've only
been in the army a day.

I know, sir, but people get
killed, properly dead, sir

No barley, cross fingers, sir.

A bloke
was telling me

If you're in the army
and there's a war

You have to go
and fight.

That's true.

Well, I mean... blimey

I mean, if it
was a big war

Somebody could be hurt.

Watkins, why did you
join the army?

For the water-skiing
and for the travel, sir.

And not for the killing, sir.

I asked them
to put it

On my form, sir--
"no killing."

Watkins, are you a pacifist?

No, sir, I'm not a pacifist,
sir, I'm a coward.

That's a very
silly line.

Sit down.

Yes, sir,
it's silly, sir.

Awfully bad.

Two civilian gentlemen
to see you, sir!

Show them in,
please, sergeant.

Mr. dino vercotti
and mr. luigi vercotti!

Good morning,
colonel.

Good morning,
gentlemen.

Now, what can i
do for you?

You've, uh...

You've got a nice

Army base here,
colonel.

Yes.

We wouldn't want anything
to happen to it.

What?

Oh, no, what
my brother means

Is it would be
a shame if, uh...

Oh, sorry, colonel.

Well, don't worry about that,
but please do sit down.

No, we prefer to stand,
thank you, colonel.

All right,
but what do you want?

Oh, what do we want?

Very good, colonel.

Always the joker, luigi.

Explain it to
the colonel, dino.

How many tanks
you got, colonel?

About 500 altogether.

500, eh?

You ought to be
careful, colonel.

We are careful,
extremely careful.

'cause things break,
don't they?

Break?

Well, everything breaks,
don't it, colonel?

Oh, dear.

Oh, see, my brother's
clumsy, colonel

And when he gets unhappy
he breaks things.

Like, say he don't feel

The army's
playing fair by him

He may start
breaking things, colonel.

What is
all this about?

How many men you
got here, colonel?

Oh, uh... 7,000
infantry, 600 artillery

And, uh... two divisions
of paratroops.

Paratroops, dino.

It'd be a shame

If someone was
to set fire to them.

Set fire to them?

Fires happen,
colonel.

Things burn.

Look, what is
all this about?

My brother and i
have got

A little proposition
for you, colonel.

Could save you
a lot of bother.

You're doing
all right here

Aren't you, colonel?

Well, suppose

Some of your tanks
was to get broken

Or troops started
getting lost, uh...

Fights started
breaking out

During general
inspection, like?

It wouldn't be
good for business

Would it, colonel?

Are you
threatening me?

Oh, no, no, no.

Whatever made you think that,
colonel?

The colonel
doesn't think

We're nice
people, luigi.

We're your
buddies, colonel.

We want
to look after you.

Look after me?

We can
guarantee you

That not a single
armored division

Will get done over...

For 15 bob
a week.

No, no...
12 and six?

No, no...
eight and six?

No, no...
five bob?

No, no, this is silly.

What's silly?

No, the whole
premise is silly

And it's very
badly written.

I'm the senior
officer here

And I haven't had
a funny line yet

So I'm stopping it.

You can't
do that!

I've done it.
the sketch is over.

I want to leave
the army

Please, sir,
it's dangerous.

Look, I stopped
your sketch

Five minutes ago,
so get out of shot.

Right, director!

Close up.

Zoom in on me.

That's better.

It's only 'cause you couldn't
think of a punch line.

Not true, not true.

It's time for the cartoon.

Cue telecine--
ten, nine, eight...

Our general public's not going
to understand this, are they?

Shut up, you eyeties!

Ooh, what the devil's
going on here?

Hey! hey, what's going...

What's happening here?

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, oh, hey, stop that!

Well, ladies and gents

Here it is, the show
you've been wanking for

The show you've heard
so much about.

This is the show
that gives you what you want

The way you like it.

So move right up front
for "full frontal nudity."

Excuse me...

Will you sit down!

I'm sorry.

A cold ice cream, sweetie?

Sit down!

The owner of the vehicle with
this license registration

Will please move it;
it's causing an obstruction.

Wasn't that just great,
ladies and germs?

Admittedly, a few problems,
a few disappointments...

Shut up, you pansy.

I paid for full
frontal nudity

And I'm going
to get some.

Ta ta, sailor.

Full frontal
nudity? never.

What do you
think, barbara?

Oh, no, no, no...

Unless it was artistically
valid, of course.

Full frontal nudity?

Yes, I'd do it, if it was valid.

Or if the money was valid,
and if it were a small part.

Good evening.

I'd like to talk to you tonight

About the place of the nude
in my bed...

Um...

In the history of my bed...

Of art... art-- I'm sorry.

The place of the nude
in the history of tart...

Call-girl-- I'm sorry.

I'll start again.

Bum-- oh, what a giveaway!

The place of the nude in art.

Oh, hello there, father, uh...
confessor, professor

Your honor, your grace...

I'm not your grace,
I'm your elsie.

What a terrible joke!

But it's my only line!

We want to buy
a bed, please.

Oh, certainly.

I'll get someone
to attend to you.

Mr. verity!

Can I help
you, sir?

Ah, yes, we'd like
to buy a bed...

A double bed,
about ?50.

Oh, no, I am afraid not, sir.

Our cheapest bed is ?800, sir.

Eight hundred pounds!

Oh, uh... perhaps
I should have explained.

Mr. verity does
tend to exaggerate

So every figure he gives you
will be ten times too high.

Otherwise he's perfectly
all right, perfectly.

Oh, I see.

I see-- so your
cheapest bed is ?80?

?800, yes, sir.

And how wide is it?

Uh... the width is,
uh... 60 feet wide.

Oh... six foot wide, eh?

And the length?

The length is, um...

Lambert?

Hmm?

What is the length of
the comfydown majorette?

Uh... two foot long.

Two foot long?

Ah, yes, you have to remember,
of course

To multiply everything
mr. lambert says by three.

Uh... it's nothing he can help,
you understand.

Apart from that
he's perfectly all right.

I see, I'm sorry.

But it does mean

That when he says
a bed is two foot wide

It is, in fact, 60 feet wide.

Oh, yes, I see...

And that's not counting
the mattress.

Oh, how much
is that?

Lambert will be able
to help you there.

Lambert?

Hmm?

Will you show
these 20 good people

The, uh...
dog kennel please?

Certainly.

Dog kennel?
no, no, no.

Mattresses,
mattresses.

Oh, no, no,
you have to say

"dog kennel" to mr. lambert

Because if you say "mattress,"
he puts a bag over his head.

I should have explained.

Apart from that
he's really all right.

Uh... um, uh, we'd like to see
the dog kennels, please.

Dog kennels?

Yes, we want to see
the dog kennels.

Ah, yes, well, that's the pets
department, second floor.

Oh, no, no, we want to see
the dog kennels.

Yes, pets department,
second floor.

No, no, no, we don't really
want to see dog kennels

Only your colleague
said we ought to...

Oh, dear, what's he
been telling you now?

Well, he said
we should say

"dog kennels" to you
instead of "mattress."

Oh, dear, hello, hello?

Did you say "mattress"?

Well, a little, yes.

I did ask you not to say "mattress,"
didn't i?

Now I've got to stand
in the tea chest.

And did those feet
in ancient times

Walk upon england's
mountains green...

Did somebody say "mattress"
to mr. lambert?

And was the holy
lamb of god

On england's
pleasant...

He should be
all right now.

But don't...
you know, just don't.

Oh, no, no, no.

Uh...

We'd like to see
the dog kennels, please.

Yes, second floor.

No, no, look, these
dog kennels here, see?

Mattresses?

Oh, yes!

Well, if you meant mattress,
why didn't you say "mattress"?

I mean, it's
very confusing for me

If you go and say "dog kennels"
when you mean "mattress."

Why not just say "mattress"?

Well, I mean you put
a bag over your head

Last time
I said "mattress."

Bring me my bow
of burning gold

Bring me my arrows
of desire

Bring me my spear...

Did somebody say "mattress"
to mr. lambert?

Twice.

Hey, everybody

Somebody said "mattress"
to mr. lambert twice!

I shall not cease
from mental strife

Nor shall my sword
sleep in my hand...

We need more!

On england's green
and pleasant...

Now, uh...
can I help you?

We want
a mattress.

Oh, what did you
say that for?

But it's my only line!

Well, you didn't
have to say it.

Full frontal nudity?

Not in this part of esher.

I would only perform a scene

In which there was
total frontal nudity.

Now, I've noticed a tendency

For this program
to get rather silly.

Now, I do my best
to keep things moving along

But I'm not having things
getting silly.

Those last two sketches I did
got very silly indeed

And that last one
about the bed was even sillier.

Now, nobody likes a good laugh
more than I do

Except perhaps my wife...
and some of her friends.

Oh, yes, and captain johnson.

Come to think of it

Most people like
a good laugh more than I do

But that's beside the point.

Now, let's have a good,
clean, healthy outdoor sketch.

Get some air into your lungs.

Ten, nine, eight and all that.

ah, yes, that's better.

now, let's hope
this doesn't get silly.

Hello, are you a hermit by
any chance?

Yes, that's right.

Are you a hermit?

Yes, I certainly am.

Well, I never.

What are you
getting away from?

Oh, you know,
the usual--

People, chat,
gossip, you know.

Oh, I certainly do;
it was the same with me.

I mean, there comes a time
when you realize there's no good

Frittering your
life away

In idleness
and trivial chitchat.

Where's your cave?

Oh, up the goat track,
first on the left.

Oh, they're very nice
up there, aren't they?

Yes, they are,
I've got a beauty.

A bit drafty, though,
aren't they?

No, we've had
ours insulated.

Oh, yes?

Yes, I used
birds' nests, moss

And oak leaves
round the outside.

Oh, sounds marvelous.

Oh, it's a treat,
it really is

'cause otherwise, those stone
caves can be so grim.

Yes, they really
can be, can't they?

They really can.

Morning, frank.

Uh, morning,
norman.

Talking of moss, uh, you know
mr. robinson?

With the, uh,
green loincloth?

Uh, no, that's
mr. seagrave.

Mr. robinson's
the hermit

Who lodges
with mr. seagrave.

Oh, yes.

Yes, well, he's
put me onto wattles.

Really?

Yes.
swears by them.

Morning, frank.

Morning, lionel.

Well, he says that moss tends
to fall off the cave wall

During cold weather.

You know, you might get
a really bad spell

And half the moss drops
off the cave wall

Leaving you cold.

Oh, well,
mr. robinson's cave

Has never been exactly nirvana,
has it?

Well, quite,
that's what I mean.

Anyway, mr. rogers,
he's the, uh, hermit...

On the end.

Up at the top, yes.

Well, he tried wattles

And he came out in a rash.

Really?

Yes, and there's me
with half a wall wattled.

I mean, what'll I do?

Well, why don't you
try birds' nests

Like I've done?

Or else dead bracken.

Frank!

Yes, han.

Can I borrow your goat?

Uh, yes, that'll
be all right.

Oh, leave me a pint
for breakfast, will you?

You know, that's
the trouble

With living
halfway up a cliff--

You feel so cut off.

You know, it takes me
two hours every morning

To get out
onto the moors

Collect my berries,
chastise myself

And two hours
back in the evening.

Still, there's one thing about
being a hermit--

At least you
meet people.

Oh, yes, i
wouldn't go back

To public relations.

Oh, well, bye for now, frank.
must toddle.

Right, you
two hermits

Stop that
sketch.

I think
it's silly.

Go on, stop it,
it's silly.

What do you mean? you can't
stop it; it's on film.

That doesn't make
any difference

To the viewer
at home, does it?

Go on, get out.

Get off, go on,
all of you.

Go on,
move, move!

Go on, get out.

Go on, get out.
move, move.

Move, move!

Hello, I wish to
register a complaint.

Hello? miss?

What do you mean "miss"?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I have a cold.

I wish to make
a complaint.

Sorry, we're
closing for lunch.

Never mind
that, my lad

I wish
to complain

About this parrot
what I purchased

Not half an hour ago
from this very boutique.

Oh, yes, the norwegian blue.
what's wrong with it?

I'll tell you
what's wrong with it.

It's dead,
that's what's wrong with it.

No, no, it's
resting, look.

Look, my lad, I know a dead
parrot when I see one

And I'm looking
at one right now.

No, no, sir, it's
not dead, it's resting.

Resting?

Yeah, remarkable bird,
the norwegian blue

Beautiful plumage, isn't it?

The plumage don't enter
into it-- it's stone dead.

No, no, it's resting.

All right, then, if it's
resting, I'll wake it up.

Hello, polly!

I've got a nice cuttlefish
for you when you wake up

Polly parrot!

There,
it moved.

No, it didn't.

That was you pushing the cage.

I did not!

Yes, you did.

Hello, polly!

Polly!

Polly parrot,
wake up!

Polly!

Now, that's what I call
a dead parrot.

No, no, it's stunned.

Look, my lad,
I've had

Just about
enough of this.

That parrot
is definitely deceased.

And when I bought it
not half an hour ago

You assured me
that its lack of movement

Was due to it being tired and
shagged out after a long squawk.

Well, sir...

It's probably pining
for the fjords.

"pining for the fjords"?

What kind of talk is that?

Look, why did it fall
flat on its back

The moment I got it home?

The norwegian blue prefers
kipping on its back.

It's a beautiful bird,
lovely plumage.

Look, I took the liberty
of examining that parrot

And I discovered
that the only reason

That it had been sitting
on its perch in the first place

Was that it had been
nailed there.

Well, of course
it was nailed there.

Otherwise it would muscle up
to those bars and... voom!

Look, matey...

This parrot
wouldn't voom

If I put 4,000
volts through it.

It's bleeding demised.

It's not,
it's pining.

It's not pining,
it's passed on.

This parrot
is no more.

It has ceased to be.

It's expired and gone
to meet its maker.

This is a late parrot.

It's a stiff.

Bereft of life,
it rests in peace.

If you hadn't nailed it
to the perch

It would be pushing up
the daisies.

It's rung down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible.

This is an ex-parrot.

Well, I'd better
replace it, then.

If you want to get
anything done in this country

You've got to complain
till you're blue in the mouth.

Sorry, guv, we're
right out of parrots.

I see, I see,
I get the picture.

I've got a slug.

Does it talk?

Not really, no.

Well, it's scarcely
a replacement, then, is it?

Listen, I'll tell you
what, tell you what

If you go to my brother's
pet shop in bolton

He'll replace
your parrot for you.

Bolton, eh?

Yeah.

All right.

Uh, excuse me.

This is bolton,
is it?

No, no, it's,
uh, ipswich.

That's inter-city rail for you.

I wish to make
a complaint.

I don't have
to do this, you know.

I beg your pardon?

I'm a qualified
brain surgeon.

I only do this because I like
being me own boss.

Uh, excuse me, this is
irrelevant, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, it's not easy

To pad these out
to 30 minutes.

Well, I wish
to make a complaint.

I got on
the bolton train

And found myself deposited
here in ipswich.

No, this is bolton.

The pet shop owner's
brother was lying.

Well, you can't blame
british rail for that.

If this is bolton

I shall return
to the pet shop.

I understand
that this is bolton.

Yeah.

Well, you told me
it was ipswich.

It was a pun.

A pun?

No, no, not a pun, no.

What's the other thing
which reads the same backwards

As forwards?

A palindrome?

Yeah, yeah.

It's not a palindrome.

The palindrome of bolton
would be "notlob."

It don't work.

Look, what do you want?

No, I'm sorry.

I'm not prepared to pursue
my line of inquiry any further

As I think
this is getting too silly.

Quite agree,
quite agree.

Silly,
silly, silly.

Right, get on
with it.

Get on
with it!

Oh... uh... oh, I'm sorry.

Uh... and now, um...

Frontal nudity.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry,
I thought the film was longer.

Uh... uh, now, notlob...
uh, bolton.

This is a frightened city.

Over these houses, over these
streets hangs a pall of fear

Fear of a new kind of violence
which is terrorizing the city.

Yes, gangs of old ladies

Attacking defenseless,
fit young men.

Take that!

Well, they come up to you,
like, and push you, you know

Shove you off
the pavement, like.

There's usually
four or five of them.

Yeah, this... this used to be
a nice neighborhood

Before the old ladies
started moving in.

Nowadays some of us daren't
even go down to the shops.

Well, mr. johnson's son kevin,
he don't go out anymore.

He comes back from wrestling
and locks himself in his room.

What are they in it for

These old hoodlums,
these layabouts in lace?

Well, it... it's
something to do, isn't it?

It's good fun.

It's... it's like, uh...
you know...

Well, isn't it, eh?

Favorite targets for the
old ladies are telephone kiosks.

Well, come on,
come on, off with you.

Clear out, come on,
get out of it.

We have a lot of trouble
with these oldies.

Pension day's the worst--
they go mad.

As soon as they get
their hands on their money

They blow it all on milk, bread,
tea, tin of meat for the cat.

Well, yes, well, of course,
come the 2:00 matinee

All the old bags are in there

Especially if it's something
like the sound of music.

We get seats ripped up,
hearing aids broken

All that sort of thing.

The whole problem
of these senile delinquents

Lies in their complete rejection

Of the values
of contemporary society.

They've seen their children
grow up and become accountants

Stockbrokers
and even sociologists

And they begin to wonder,
is it all really...

Oh, well, we sometimes feel
we're to blame in some way

For what our gran's become.

I mean, she used
to be quite happy here

Until she... she started
on the crochet.

Crochet?

Yeah, now she
can't do without it.

20 balls of wool
a day, sometimes.

If she can't get the wool,
she gets violent.

What can we do about it?

But this is not just
an old ladies' town.

There are other
equally dangerous gangs

Such as the baby snatchers.

I just left my husband
outside here

While I went in
to do some shopping

And I came back and he was gone.

He was only 47.

And on the roads, too, vicious
gangs of "keep left" signs.

Right, right, stop it.

This film's got silly.

Started off with
a nice little idea

About grannies
attacking young men

But now it's got silly.

This man's hair is too long
for a vicar, too.

These signs are
pretty badly made.

Right, now for
a complete change of mood.

I've heard of unisex
but I've never had it.

David hemmings appeared

By permission of the
national forestry commission.