Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 7 - You're No Fun Any More - full transcript
Invaders from another galaxy turn Englishmen into Scotsmen. Also: a comedy about camels; a corporate board meeting.
It's...
It's...
It's!
No, no!
it's...
It's!
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Good evening.
Tonight we're
going to take
A hard, tough, abrasive look
at camel spotting.
Hello.
Hello, peter.
Now, tell me, what exactly
are you doing?
Well, I'm
camel spotting.
I'm spotting to see
if there are any camels
That I can spot
and put them down
In my camel-
spotting book.
Good, and how many camels
have you spotted so far?
Well, so far, peter,
up to the present moment
I've spotted nearly... oh...
Nearly one.
Nearly one.
Uh, call it none.
Fine.
And how long have you been here?
Three years.
So in three years
You've spotted no camels.
Yes, in only three years.
Uh, I tell a lie, four.
Be fair, five.
I've been camel spotting
for just the seven years.
Before that, of course,
I was a yeti spotter.
A yeti spotter, that must have
been extremely interesting.
Oh, it was extremely
interesting.
Very, very, quite...
It was dull.
Dull, dull, dull,
oh, god, it was dull!
Sitting in
the waterloo waiting room.
Course once you've seen one yeti
you've seen them all.
And have you seen them all?
Well, I've seen one...
Well, a little one...
A picture of a...
I've heard about them.
Well, now, tell me, what do
you do when you spot a camel?
I take its number.
Uh, camels don't have numbers.
Oh, well, you've got to know
where to look.
They're on the side
of the engine
Above the piston box.
What?
You've got to make sure
it's not a dromedary
Cause if
it's a dromedary
It goes in
the dromedary book.
Well, how do you tell
if it's a dromedary?
Well, a dromedary
has one hump
And a camel has
a refreshment car
Buffet and
ticket collector.
Mr. sopwith, aren't you
in fact a train spotter?
What?
Don't you
in fact spot trains?
Oh, you're
no fun anymore!
Oh, no, rashid, we can't
go on meeting like this.
Oh, you are no fun anymore!
Oh, you're
no fun anymore.
29... 30!
All right, cut him down,
mr. fuller.
Oh, you're
no fun anymore!
Now, look, if anybody else
pinches my phrase
I'll throw them
under a camel.
If you can spot one.
What?
Lady chairman,
sir, shareholders
Ladies and gentlemen
I have great pleasure
in announcing
That owing to a cutback
on surplus expenditure
Of $12 million canadian
Plus a refund of
71/2 million deutschemarks
From the swiss branch,
and in addition
Adding the debenture preference
stock of 3 3/4 million
To the directors' reserve
currency account
Of 71/2 million
Plus an upward expenditure
margin of 11,500 lire
Due to rising capital investment
of ten million pounds
This firm last year made
a complete profit of a shilling.
A shilling, wilkins?
Roughly, yes, sir.
Wilkins, I am the chairman
Of a multimillion-pound
corporation
And you are a very new
chartered accountant.
Isn't it possible there
may have been some mistake?
Well, that's
very kind of you, sir
But I don't think
I'm ready to be chairman yet.
Wilkins, this shilling,
is it net or gross?
It's british, sir.
Has tax been paid on it?
Yes, this is after tax.
Owing to the rigorous bite
of the income tax
Five pence of a further sixpence
was swallowed up in tax.
Five pence
of a further sixpence?
Yes, sir.
Five pence
of a further sixpence?
That's right, sir.
Then where is
the other penny?
Uh...
That makes you a penny
short, wilkins.
Where is it?
Uh...
Wilkins!
I embezzled it, sir!
What, all of it?
Yes, all of it.
You naughty person!
It's my first.
Please be
gentle with me.
I'm afraid it's
my unpleasant duty
To inform you
that you're fired.
Oh, please, please.
No, out!
There's no place
for sentiment
In big business!
Oh, you're
no fun anymore.
I heard that!
who said that?
He did!
he did!
No, I didn't.
Ooh!
Right!
Here is the address
to complain to:
The royal
frog tramping institute
16 rayners lane,
london, w.c. fields.
I'll just repeat that:
Tristram and isolde phillips
7.30 covent garden
saturday near sunday
And afterwards at
the inigo jones fish emporium.
And they want to put
the license fee up?
And now here is a reminder
About leaving your radio on
during the night.
Leave your radio on
during the night.
A little joke, a little jest!
Nothing to worry about,
ladies and gentlemen!
Now we've got some science
fiction for you, some ski-fi
Something to send the shivers
up your spine
Send the creepy crawlies
down your lager and limes.
All the lads
have contributed to it.
Here's a little number entitled,
"science fiction sketch."
the universe consists of
a billion billion galaxies
77 billion miles across
and every galaxy is made up
of a billion zillion stars
and around these stars
circle a billion planets
and of all these planets
the greenestand the
pleasantest is the planet earth
in the system of sol in the
galaxy known as the milky way.
and it was to this world
that creatures
of an alien planet came
to conquer and destroy
the very heart of civilization.
it was a da y like manyanother
and mr. and mrs.
samuel brainsample
were a perfectly
ordinary couple
leading perfectly
ordinary lives
the sort of people
to whom nothing extraordinary
ever happened.
and not the kind of people
to be the center
of one of the most
astounding incidents
in the history of mankind.
so let's forgetabout them...
and follow instead
the destiny of this man:
harold potter, gardener
and tax official
first victim of creatures
from another planet.
Read all about it!
read all about it!
Man turns into scotsman!
Mrs. potter, you knew mr. potter
quite well, I believe.
Oh, yes, quite well,
he was me husband.
Yes, and he never showed
any inclination
Towards being a scotsman
before this happened?
No, no, not at all.
He was not
that sort of person.
He didn't wear a kilt
or play the bagpipes?
No, no, no, no.
He never
got drunk at night
Or brought home
black puddings?
No, no, not at all.
He didn't have
an inadequate brain capacity?
No, no, not at all.
I see, so by your account
Harold potter was
a perfectly ordinary englishman
Without any tendency towards
being a scotsman whatsoever?
Absolutely, yes.
Mind you, he did always watch
dr. finlay on the television.
Aha!
Well, that's it, you see;
that's how it starts.
I beg your pardon?
Well, you see,
scottishness starts
With little things like that
and works up.
You see, people don't just
turn into a scotsman
For no reason at all.
No further questions!
Halt!
Left turn!
Charles?
Darling.
Charles?
Darling, darling.
Charles, there's something
I've got to tell you.
What is it, darling?
It's daddy; he's turned
into a scotsman.
What? mr. llewellyn?
Yes, charles.
Help me, please help me.
But what can I do?
Surely, charles,
you're the chief scientist
At the anthropological
research institute
At butley downe--
An expert in
what makes people change
From one nationality
to another.
So I am!
This is right up
my street.
Oh, good.
Now, first of all
Why would anyone
turn into a scotsman?
Um, for business reasons?
No, no, only because he has
no control over his own destiny.
Look, I'll show you.
I see!
Yes, so this means that
some person or persons unknown
Is turning all these people
into scotsmen.
Oh, what kind of
heartless fiend
Could do that
to a man?
I don't know,
I don't know.
All I know is
that these people
Are streaming north
of the border
At the rate of
thousands every hour.
If we don't act fast
Scotland will be choked
with scotsmen!
Ooh!
soon, scotland was
full of scotsmen.
the overcrowding was pitiful.
three men to a caber.
for the few who remained
life was increasingly
difficult.
Charles!
Thank goodness
I've found you.
It's mummy.
Hello, mummy.
No, no, mummy's
turned into a scotsman.
Oh, how horrible!
Will they stop
at nothing?
I don't know.
Do you think
they will?
I meant that rhetorically.
What does "rhetorically" mean?
It means I didn't
expect an answer.
Oh, I see.
Oh, you're so
clever, charles.
Did mummy say anything as
she changed?
Yes, she did, now you come
to mention it.
Well, what was it?
Oh, she said "them."
Is that someone
at the door?
No, it's just the incidental
music for the scene.
Oh, I see.
Them-- wait
a minute!
A whole minute?
No, I meant that metaphorically.
Them... them...
She was obviously
referring
To the people who turned
her into a scotsman.
If only we knew
who they were
And why they
were doing it.
Who are "them"?
then suddenly, a clue
turned up in scotland.
mr. angus podgorny,
owner of a dunbar menswear shop
received an order
for 48 million kilts
from the planet skyron
in the galaxy of andromeda.
Angus, how are you going to get
48 million kilts
into the van?
I'll have to do
it in two goes.
Do you not ken that
the galaxy of andromeda
Is 2,200,000
light-years away?
Is that so?
Aye, and you've
never been further
Than berwick-on-tweed.
Aye.
But think of the money, dear--
?18.10 a kilt.
That's...
?900 million!
And that's
without sporrans.
Aye, I think you ought
not to go, angus.
Aye, we'd be able
to afford writing paper
With our names on it.
We'd be able to buy that
extension to the toilet.
Yeah, but he
hasn't signed
The order
yet, has he?
Who?
Och, the man
from andromeda.
Och, well...
He wasn't really a man,
do you ken?
Not really a man?
He was as strange a
thing as ever I saw
Or ever I hope to
see, god willing.
He were a strange,
unearthly creature
A quivering,
glistening mass.
Angus podgorny,
what do you mean?
He wasn't
so much a man as...
A blancmange!
A blancmange, eh?
Yes, that's right.
I was just having
a game of doubles
With sandra and jocasta,
alec and david...
Hang on.
What?
There's five.
What?
Five people--
how do you play doubles
With five people?
Ah, well,
we were...
Sounds a bit funny
if you ask me
Playing doubles
with five people.
Well, we often
play like that.
Jocasta plays on the side
receiving service.
Oh, yes?
Yes, it helps
to speed the game up
And make it a lot faster
And it means jocasta
isn't left out.
Look, are you asking
me to believe
That the five of you
was playing doubles
When on the very next court
There was a blancmange
playing by itself?
That's right, yes.
Well, answer me
this then.
Why didn't jocasta play
the blancmange at singles
While you and sandra
and alec and david
Had a proper game of doubles
with four people?
Because jocasta
always plays with us.
She's a friend of ours.
Call that friendship?
Messing up a perfectly
good game of doubles?
It's not messing
it up, officer.
We like to play
with five.
Look, it's your affair
If you want to play
with five people
But don't go
calling it doubles.
Well, no...
Look, at wimbledon-- right?
If fred stolle and tony roche
Played charlie pasarell
and cliff drysdale
and peaches bartcowitz
They wouldn't go
calling it doubles.
But what about
the blancmange?
That could play ann haydon-jones
and her husband, pip.
Oh, a blancmange
gave you
An order for
48 million kilts?
Aye.
And you believed it?
Aye, I did.
Och, you're a stupid
man, angus podgorny.
Oh, look, woman!
How many kilts
did we sell last year?
Nine and a half,
that's all.
So when I get an order
for 48 million
I believe it.
You'd better believe it.
Even if it's
from a blancmange?
Och, woman, if a
blancmange is prepared
To come 2,200,000 light-years
to purchase a kilt
He must be fairly
keen on kilts.
So cease your prattling,
woman, and get sewing.
This could be the biggest
breakthrough in kilts
Since the provost of
edinburgh sat on a spike.
Mary, we'll be rich,
we'll be rich.
Oh, but, angus, he
hasn't even given you
An earnest of
his good faith.
Ah, maybe not, but
he has give me this.
Och, what is it now?
An entry form for the british
open tennis championships
At wimbledon toon,
signed and seconded.
Och, but, angus
You ken full well
that scotsfolk
Don't know how
to play the tennis
To save their lives.
Aye, but I must go,
though, dear.
I didn't want to
seem ungrateful.
Och, angus,
I will not let you
Make a fool
of yourself.
But I must.
Och, no, you'll not.
Oh, mary, mary.
Mary, look out!
look out!
It's the blancmange!
Oh, now this is
Where mr. podgorny could
have saved his wife's life.
If he'd gone to the police
and told them
That he'd been approached
by unearthly beings
From the galaxy of andromeda
We'd have sent a man
round to investigate.
As it was, he did a deal
with a blancmange
And the blancmange
ate his wife.
So if you're going out
or going on holiday
Or anything strange happens
involving other galaxies
Just nip round
to your local police station
And tell the sergeant on duty,
or his wife
Of your suspicions.
And the same goes for dogs.
So I'm sorry to have interrupted
Your exciting
science fiction story
But then, crime's
our business, you know
So carry on viewing,
and my thanks to the bbc
For allowing me to have
this little chat with you.
Good night, god bless,
look after yourselves.
Do sit down,
mr. podgorny.
I... I think
what's happened is
Terribly, terribly funny...
Tragic.
You must understand
that we have to catch
The creature
that ate your wife.
And if you could just help
us answer a few questions
We may be able to help
save a few lives.
I know this is the way
Your wife would
have wanted it.
Aye.
I'll do my best, sergeant.
Detective inspector.
Detective inspector.
Now then,
the facts are these:
You received an order
for 48 million kilts
From a blancmange
from the planet skyron
In the galaxy
of andromeda;
You'd just shown
your wife
An entry form for wimbledon
which you'd filled in
When you turned round
And saw her legs disappearing into
a blancmange.
Is that correct?
Yes, sir.
Are you mad?
No, sir.
Well, that's a relief.
Because if you were
Your story would be
less plausible.
Now then, do you
recognize this?
Oh, yes!
That's the one that ate my mary.
Good.
His name's riley...
jack riley.
He's that most rare
of criminals--
A blancmange impersonator
and cannibal.
What about the
48 million kilts
And the galaxy
of andromeda?
I'm afraid that's just
one of his stories.
You must understand
That a blancmange
impersonator and cannibal
Has to use some
pretty clever stories
To allay suspicion.
Then you mean...
Yes.
but...
Yes.
how?
Well...
not...
Why?
I'm afraid so.
Who knows?
do you think...
But...
could be.
I know. she was...
Yes.
Good lord, what's that?
Ah, riley!
Come to give yourself up,
have you, riley?
Eh, riley?
Riley? riley?
It's not riley.
It's an extraterrestrial being.
So everyone
in england
Is being turned
into scotsmen, right?
Yes.
Now, which is the worst
tennis-playing nation
In the world?
Um... australia.
No, try again.
Australia?
No, try again
but say a different place.
I thought you meant
I said it badly.
No, of course you didn't
say it badly-- now, hurry!
Um... czechoslovakia?
No, scotland!
Of course.
Now... now, these
blancmanges
Apart from the one that killed
mrs. podgorny
Have all appeared
in which london suburb?
Finchley.
No, wimbledon!
Now do you begin
to see the pattern?
With what sport is wimbledon
commonly associated?
for viewers at home
the answer is coming up
on your screens.
those of you who wish
to play it the hard way
stand upside down
with your head in a bucket
of piranha fish.
here is the question
once again:
With what sport is wimbledon
commonly associated?
Cricket.
No.
Pelote?
No, wimbledon is most commonly
associated with tennis.
Of course,
now I see.
Yes, it all falls
into place.
The blancmanges are
really australians
Trying to get the rights
of the pelote rules
From the czech publishers.
No, not quite,
but just look in here.
Yes... so these blancmanges...
blancmange-shaped creatures
Come from the planet skyron
in the galaxy of andromeda;
They order 48 million kilts
from a scottish menswear shop;
Turn the population
of england into scotsmen--
Well-known as the worst tennis-
playing nation on earth;
Thus leaving england empty
during wimbledon fortnight.
Empty during
wimbledon fortnight.
What's more, the papers are
full of reports of blancmanges
Appearing on tennis courts
up and down the country...
Practicing.
This can only mean one thing!
They mean to win wimbledon!
Well, here at wimbledon
It's been a most extraordinary
week's tennis.
The blancmanges
have swept the board
Winning match after match.
Here are just a few
of the results:
Billie jean king eaten
in straight sets;
Laver smothered whole
after winning the first set;
And pancho gonzales, serving
as well as I've ever seen him
With some superb volleys
And decisive return volleys
off the backhand
Was sucked through the net
at match point
And swallowed whole
in just under two minutes.
And so here on the final day
There seems to be
no players left
To challenge the blancmanges.
And this could be
their undoing, dan
As the rules of wimbledon
state quite clearly
That there must be
At least one human being
concerned in the final.
Well, the blancmange is
coming out onto the pitch now
And there's a human with it.
It's angus podgorny, the plucky
little scottish tailor
Upon whom everything depends.
And so it's podgorny
versus blancmange
In this first-ever
intergalactic wimbledon.
And it's blancmange to serve...
And it's a good one!
15 - love.
And podgorny fails
to even hit the ball.
But this is no surprise
As he hasn't hit the ball
once throughout this match.
So it's 72 match points
to the blancmange now.
Podgorny prepares
to serve again.
This is indeed a grim day
for the human race, dan.
But what's this?
Two spectators have rushed
onto the pitch
With spoons and forks.
What are they going to do?
They mean to eat
the blancmange.
And they're eating
the blancmange!
Yes, the blancmange is
leaving the court.
It's abandoning the game.
This is fantastic!
Mmm... mmm...
yes, it was
mr. and mrs. samuel brainsample
who, after only a brief
and misleading appearance
in the early part of the film,
return to sa ve the earth.
but why?
Oh, well, you see,
we love blancmanges.
My wife makes them.
she makes
blancmanges that size?
Oh, yes, you see, we're from the
planet skyron
In the galaxy
of andromeda
And they're all
that size there.
We tried to tell you
At the beginning
of the film
But you just
panned off us.
so the world was saved
and angus podgorny became
the first scotsman
to win wimbledon...
15 years later.
It's...
It's!
No, no!
it's...
It's!
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Good evening.
Tonight we're
going to take
A hard, tough, abrasive look
at camel spotting.
Hello.
Hello, peter.
Now, tell me, what exactly
are you doing?
Well, I'm
camel spotting.
I'm spotting to see
if there are any camels
That I can spot
and put them down
In my camel-
spotting book.
Good, and how many camels
have you spotted so far?
Well, so far, peter,
up to the present moment
I've spotted nearly... oh...
Nearly one.
Nearly one.
Uh, call it none.
Fine.
And how long have you been here?
Three years.
So in three years
You've spotted no camels.
Yes, in only three years.
Uh, I tell a lie, four.
Be fair, five.
I've been camel spotting
for just the seven years.
Before that, of course,
I was a yeti spotter.
A yeti spotter, that must have
been extremely interesting.
Oh, it was extremely
interesting.
Very, very, quite...
It was dull.
Dull, dull, dull,
oh, god, it was dull!
Sitting in
the waterloo waiting room.
Course once you've seen one yeti
you've seen them all.
And have you seen them all?
Well, I've seen one...
Well, a little one...
A picture of a...
I've heard about them.
Well, now, tell me, what do
you do when you spot a camel?
I take its number.
Uh, camels don't have numbers.
Oh, well, you've got to know
where to look.
They're on the side
of the engine
Above the piston box.
What?
You've got to make sure
it's not a dromedary
Cause if
it's a dromedary
It goes in
the dromedary book.
Well, how do you tell
if it's a dromedary?
Well, a dromedary
has one hump
And a camel has
a refreshment car
Buffet and
ticket collector.
Mr. sopwith, aren't you
in fact a train spotter?
What?
Don't you
in fact spot trains?
Oh, you're
no fun anymore!
Oh, no, rashid, we can't
go on meeting like this.
Oh, you are no fun anymore!
Oh, you're
no fun anymore.
29... 30!
All right, cut him down,
mr. fuller.
Oh, you're
no fun anymore!
Now, look, if anybody else
pinches my phrase
I'll throw them
under a camel.
If you can spot one.
What?
Lady chairman,
sir, shareholders
Ladies and gentlemen
I have great pleasure
in announcing
That owing to a cutback
on surplus expenditure
Of $12 million canadian
Plus a refund of
71/2 million deutschemarks
From the swiss branch,
and in addition
Adding the debenture preference
stock of 3 3/4 million
To the directors' reserve
currency account
Of 71/2 million
Plus an upward expenditure
margin of 11,500 lire
Due to rising capital investment
of ten million pounds
This firm last year made
a complete profit of a shilling.
A shilling, wilkins?
Roughly, yes, sir.
Wilkins, I am the chairman
Of a multimillion-pound
corporation
And you are a very new
chartered accountant.
Isn't it possible there
may have been some mistake?
Well, that's
very kind of you, sir
But I don't think
I'm ready to be chairman yet.
Wilkins, this shilling,
is it net or gross?
It's british, sir.
Has tax been paid on it?
Yes, this is after tax.
Owing to the rigorous bite
of the income tax
Five pence of a further sixpence
was swallowed up in tax.
Five pence
of a further sixpence?
Yes, sir.
Five pence
of a further sixpence?
That's right, sir.
Then where is
the other penny?
Uh...
That makes you a penny
short, wilkins.
Where is it?
Uh...
Wilkins!
I embezzled it, sir!
What, all of it?
Yes, all of it.
You naughty person!
It's my first.
Please be
gentle with me.
I'm afraid it's
my unpleasant duty
To inform you
that you're fired.
Oh, please, please.
No, out!
There's no place
for sentiment
In big business!
Oh, you're
no fun anymore.
I heard that!
who said that?
He did!
he did!
No, I didn't.
Ooh!
Right!
Here is the address
to complain to:
The royal
frog tramping institute
16 rayners lane,
london, w.c. fields.
I'll just repeat that:
Tristram and isolde phillips
7.30 covent garden
saturday near sunday
And afterwards at
the inigo jones fish emporium.
And they want to put
the license fee up?
And now here is a reminder
About leaving your radio on
during the night.
Leave your radio on
during the night.
A little joke, a little jest!
Nothing to worry about,
ladies and gentlemen!
Now we've got some science
fiction for you, some ski-fi
Something to send the shivers
up your spine
Send the creepy crawlies
down your lager and limes.
All the lads
have contributed to it.
Here's a little number entitled,
"science fiction sketch."
the universe consists of
a billion billion galaxies
77 billion miles across
and every galaxy is made up
of a billion zillion stars
and around these stars
circle a billion planets
and of all these planets
the greenestand the
pleasantest is the planet earth
in the system of sol in the
galaxy known as the milky way.
and it was to this world
that creatures
of an alien planet came
to conquer and destroy
the very heart of civilization.
it was a da y like manyanother
and mr. and mrs.
samuel brainsample
were a perfectly
ordinary couple
leading perfectly
ordinary lives
the sort of people
to whom nothing extraordinary
ever happened.
and not the kind of people
to be the center
of one of the most
astounding incidents
in the history of mankind.
so let's forgetabout them...
and follow instead
the destiny of this man:
harold potter, gardener
and tax official
first victim of creatures
from another planet.
Read all about it!
read all about it!
Man turns into scotsman!
Mrs. potter, you knew mr. potter
quite well, I believe.
Oh, yes, quite well,
he was me husband.
Yes, and he never showed
any inclination
Towards being a scotsman
before this happened?
No, no, not at all.
He was not
that sort of person.
He didn't wear a kilt
or play the bagpipes?
No, no, no, no.
He never
got drunk at night
Or brought home
black puddings?
No, no, not at all.
He didn't have
an inadequate brain capacity?
No, no, not at all.
I see, so by your account
Harold potter was
a perfectly ordinary englishman
Without any tendency towards
being a scotsman whatsoever?
Absolutely, yes.
Mind you, he did always watch
dr. finlay on the television.
Aha!
Well, that's it, you see;
that's how it starts.
I beg your pardon?
Well, you see,
scottishness starts
With little things like that
and works up.
You see, people don't just
turn into a scotsman
For no reason at all.
No further questions!
Halt!
Left turn!
Charles?
Darling.
Charles?
Darling, darling.
Charles, there's something
I've got to tell you.
What is it, darling?
It's daddy; he's turned
into a scotsman.
What? mr. llewellyn?
Yes, charles.
Help me, please help me.
But what can I do?
Surely, charles,
you're the chief scientist
At the anthropological
research institute
At butley downe--
An expert in
what makes people change
From one nationality
to another.
So I am!
This is right up
my street.
Oh, good.
Now, first of all
Why would anyone
turn into a scotsman?
Um, for business reasons?
No, no, only because he has
no control over his own destiny.
Look, I'll show you.
I see!
Yes, so this means that
some person or persons unknown
Is turning all these people
into scotsmen.
Oh, what kind of
heartless fiend
Could do that
to a man?
I don't know,
I don't know.
All I know is
that these people
Are streaming north
of the border
At the rate of
thousands every hour.
If we don't act fast
Scotland will be choked
with scotsmen!
Ooh!
soon, scotland was
full of scotsmen.
the overcrowding was pitiful.
three men to a caber.
for the few who remained
life was increasingly
difficult.
Charles!
Thank goodness
I've found you.
It's mummy.
Hello, mummy.
No, no, mummy's
turned into a scotsman.
Oh, how horrible!
Will they stop
at nothing?
I don't know.
Do you think
they will?
I meant that rhetorically.
What does "rhetorically" mean?
It means I didn't
expect an answer.
Oh, I see.
Oh, you're so
clever, charles.
Did mummy say anything as
she changed?
Yes, she did, now you come
to mention it.
Well, what was it?
Oh, she said "them."
Is that someone
at the door?
No, it's just the incidental
music for the scene.
Oh, I see.
Them-- wait
a minute!
A whole minute?
No, I meant that metaphorically.
Them... them...
She was obviously
referring
To the people who turned
her into a scotsman.
If only we knew
who they were
And why they
were doing it.
Who are "them"?
then suddenly, a clue
turned up in scotland.
mr. angus podgorny,
owner of a dunbar menswear shop
received an order
for 48 million kilts
from the planet skyron
in the galaxy of andromeda.
Angus, how are you going to get
48 million kilts
into the van?
I'll have to do
it in two goes.
Do you not ken that
the galaxy of andromeda
Is 2,200,000
light-years away?
Is that so?
Aye, and you've
never been further
Than berwick-on-tweed.
Aye.
But think of the money, dear--
?18.10 a kilt.
That's...
?900 million!
And that's
without sporrans.
Aye, I think you ought
not to go, angus.
Aye, we'd be able
to afford writing paper
With our names on it.
We'd be able to buy that
extension to the toilet.
Yeah, but he
hasn't signed
The order
yet, has he?
Who?
Och, the man
from andromeda.
Och, well...
He wasn't really a man,
do you ken?
Not really a man?
He was as strange a
thing as ever I saw
Or ever I hope to
see, god willing.
He were a strange,
unearthly creature
A quivering,
glistening mass.
Angus podgorny,
what do you mean?
He wasn't
so much a man as...
A blancmange!
A blancmange, eh?
Yes, that's right.
I was just having
a game of doubles
With sandra and jocasta,
alec and david...
Hang on.
What?
There's five.
What?
Five people--
how do you play doubles
With five people?
Ah, well,
we were...
Sounds a bit funny
if you ask me
Playing doubles
with five people.
Well, we often
play like that.
Jocasta plays on the side
receiving service.
Oh, yes?
Yes, it helps
to speed the game up
And make it a lot faster
And it means jocasta
isn't left out.
Look, are you asking
me to believe
That the five of you
was playing doubles
When on the very next court
There was a blancmange
playing by itself?
That's right, yes.
Well, answer me
this then.
Why didn't jocasta play
the blancmange at singles
While you and sandra
and alec and david
Had a proper game of doubles
with four people?
Because jocasta
always plays with us.
She's a friend of ours.
Call that friendship?
Messing up a perfectly
good game of doubles?
It's not messing
it up, officer.
We like to play
with five.
Look, it's your affair
If you want to play
with five people
But don't go
calling it doubles.
Well, no...
Look, at wimbledon-- right?
If fred stolle and tony roche
Played charlie pasarell
and cliff drysdale
and peaches bartcowitz
They wouldn't go
calling it doubles.
But what about
the blancmange?
That could play ann haydon-jones
and her husband, pip.
Oh, a blancmange
gave you
An order for
48 million kilts?
Aye.
And you believed it?
Aye, I did.
Och, you're a stupid
man, angus podgorny.
Oh, look, woman!
How many kilts
did we sell last year?
Nine and a half,
that's all.
So when I get an order
for 48 million
I believe it.
You'd better believe it.
Even if it's
from a blancmange?
Och, woman, if a
blancmange is prepared
To come 2,200,000 light-years
to purchase a kilt
He must be fairly
keen on kilts.
So cease your prattling,
woman, and get sewing.
This could be the biggest
breakthrough in kilts
Since the provost of
edinburgh sat on a spike.
Mary, we'll be rich,
we'll be rich.
Oh, but, angus, he
hasn't even given you
An earnest of
his good faith.
Ah, maybe not, but
he has give me this.
Och, what is it now?
An entry form for the british
open tennis championships
At wimbledon toon,
signed and seconded.
Och, but, angus
You ken full well
that scotsfolk
Don't know how
to play the tennis
To save their lives.
Aye, but I must go,
though, dear.
I didn't want to
seem ungrateful.
Och, angus,
I will not let you
Make a fool
of yourself.
But I must.
Och, no, you'll not.
Oh, mary, mary.
Mary, look out!
look out!
It's the blancmange!
Oh, now this is
Where mr. podgorny could
have saved his wife's life.
If he'd gone to the police
and told them
That he'd been approached
by unearthly beings
From the galaxy of andromeda
We'd have sent a man
round to investigate.
As it was, he did a deal
with a blancmange
And the blancmange
ate his wife.
So if you're going out
or going on holiday
Or anything strange happens
involving other galaxies
Just nip round
to your local police station
And tell the sergeant on duty,
or his wife
Of your suspicions.
And the same goes for dogs.
So I'm sorry to have interrupted
Your exciting
science fiction story
But then, crime's
our business, you know
So carry on viewing,
and my thanks to the bbc
For allowing me to have
this little chat with you.
Good night, god bless,
look after yourselves.
Do sit down,
mr. podgorny.
I... I think
what's happened is
Terribly, terribly funny...
Tragic.
You must understand
that we have to catch
The creature
that ate your wife.
And if you could just help
us answer a few questions
We may be able to help
save a few lives.
I know this is the way
Your wife would
have wanted it.
Aye.
I'll do my best, sergeant.
Detective inspector.
Detective inspector.
Now then,
the facts are these:
You received an order
for 48 million kilts
From a blancmange
from the planet skyron
In the galaxy
of andromeda;
You'd just shown
your wife
An entry form for wimbledon
which you'd filled in
When you turned round
And saw her legs disappearing into
a blancmange.
Is that correct?
Yes, sir.
Are you mad?
No, sir.
Well, that's a relief.
Because if you were
Your story would be
less plausible.
Now then, do you
recognize this?
Oh, yes!
That's the one that ate my mary.
Good.
His name's riley...
jack riley.
He's that most rare
of criminals--
A blancmange impersonator
and cannibal.
What about the
48 million kilts
And the galaxy
of andromeda?
I'm afraid that's just
one of his stories.
You must understand
That a blancmange
impersonator and cannibal
Has to use some
pretty clever stories
To allay suspicion.
Then you mean...
Yes.
but...
Yes.
how?
Well...
not...
Why?
I'm afraid so.
Who knows?
do you think...
But...
could be.
I know. she was...
Yes.
Good lord, what's that?
Ah, riley!
Come to give yourself up,
have you, riley?
Eh, riley?
Riley? riley?
It's not riley.
It's an extraterrestrial being.
So everyone
in england
Is being turned
into scotsmen, right?
Yes.
Now, which is the worst
tennis-playing nation
In the world?
Um... australia.
No, try again.
Australia?
No, try again
but say a different place.
I thought you meant
I said it badly.
No, of course you didn't
say it badly-- now, hurry!
Um... czechoslovakia?
No, scotland!
Of course.
Now... now, these
blancmanges
Apart from the one that killed
mrs. podgorny
Have all appeared
in which london suburb?
Finchley.
No, wimbledon!
Now do you begin
to see the pattern?
With what sport is wimbledon
commonly associated?
for viewers at home
the answer is coming up
on your screens.
those of you who wish
to play it the hard way
stand upside down
with your head in a bucket
of piranha fish.
here is the question
once again:
With what sport is wimbledon
commonly associated?
Cricket.
No.
Pelote?
No, wimbledon is most commonly
associated with tennis.
Of course,
now I see.
Yes, it all falls
into place.
The blancmanges are
really australians
Trying to get the rights
of the pelote rules
From the czech publishers.
No, not quite,
but just look in here.
Yes... so these blancmanges...
blancmange-shaped creatures
Come from the planet skyron
in the galaxy of andromeda;
They order 48 million kilts
from a scottish menswear shop;
Turn the population
of england into scotsmen--
Well-known as the worst tennis-
playing nation on earth;
Thus leaving england empty
during wimbledon fortnight.
Empty during
wimbledon fortnight.
What's more, the papers are
full of reports of blancmanges
Appearing on tennis courts
up and down the country...
Practicing.
This can only mean one thing!
They mean to win wimbledon!
Well, here at wimbledon
It's been a most extraordinary
week's tennis.
The blancmanges
have swept the board
Winning match after match.
Here are just a few
of the results:
Billie jean king eaten
in straight sets;
Laver smothered whole
after winning the first set;
And pancho gonzales, serving
as well as I've ever seen him
With some superb volleys
And decisive return volleys
off the backhand
Was sucked through the net
at match point
And swallowed whole
in just under two minutes.
And so here on the final day
There seems to be
no players left
To challenge the blancmanges.
And this could be
their undoing, dan
As the rules of wimbledon
state quite clearly
That there must be
At least one human being
concerned in the final.
Well, the blancmange is
coming out onto the pitch now
And there's a human with it.
It's angus podgorny, the plucky
little scottish tailor
Upon whom everything depends.
And so it's podgorny
versus blancmange
In this first-ever
intergalactic wimbledon.
And it's blancmange to serve...
And it's a good one!
15 - love.
And podgorny fails
to even hit the ball.
But this is no surprise
As he hasn't hit the ball
once throughout this match.
So it's 72 match points
to the blancmange now.
Podgorny prepares
to serve again.
This is indeed a grim day
for the human race, dan.
But what's this?
Two spectators have rushed
onto the pitch
With spoons and forks.
What are they going to do?
They mean to eat
the blancmange.
And they're eating
the blancmange!
Yes, the blancmange is
leaving the court.
It's abandoning the game.
This is fantastic!
Mmm... mmm...
yes, it was
mr. and mrs. samuel brainsample
who, after only a brief
and misleading appearance
in the early part of the film,
return to sa ve the earth.
but why?
Oh, well, you see,
we love blancmanges.
My wife makes them.
she makes
blancmanges that size?
Oh, yes, you see, we're from the
planet skyron
In the galaxy
of andromeda
And they're all
that size there.
We tried to tell you
At the beginning
of the film
But you just
panned off us.
so the world was saved
and angus podgorny became
the first scotsman
to win wimbledon...
15 years later.