Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 6 - The BBC Entry for the Zinc Stoat of Budapest (or, It's the Arts) - full transcript
Sketches include: a German composer with an extraordinarily long name; crooks plan an elaborate scheme to buy a watch; a chocolate-company owner markets "Crunchy Frog."
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
I thought you did that
so well, mr. figgis.
Could I have
your autograph?
Certainly, yes.
Beethoven, mozart, chopin,
liszt, brahms, panties--
I'm sorry.
Schumann, schubert,
mendelssohn and bach.
Names that will live forever.
But there is one composer
Whose name is never
included with the greats.
Why is it the world
never remembered
The name of johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-
schplenden-schlitter-
Crasscrenbon-fried-digger-
dingle-dangle-dongle-
Dungle-burstein-von-knacker-
thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
Ticolensic-grander-knotty-
spelltinkle-grandlich-
Grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-
kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
Gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-
Weimache-luber-hundsfut-
gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
von hautkopft of ulm?
To do justice to this man,
thought by many
To be the greatest name
in german baroque music
We present a profile
of johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden-
schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-
dungle-burstein-von-knacker-
Thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
ticolensic-grander-knotty-
Spelltinkle-grandlich-
grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-
Kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-
weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm.
We start with an interview with
his only surviving relative
Karl gambolputty de von...
When I first met
johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-
crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle-
dongle-dungle-burstein-
Von-knacker-thrasher-apple-
banger-horowitz-ticolensic-
Grander-knotty-
Spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer-
spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
Gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-
gerspurten-mitz-
Weimache-luber-hundsfut-
gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-
mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm
When he was
With his wife
Sarah gambolputty de von...
Yes, if I may...
Just cut in on you there,
herr gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden-
schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-
dungle-burstein-von-knacker-
Thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
Ticolensic-grander-
knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer-
spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-
weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
von hautkopft of ulm
And ask you just quickly if
there's any particular thing
That you remember
about johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden-
schlitter-crasscrenbon-
Fried-digger-dingle-dangle-
dongle-dungle-burstein-von-
Knacker-thrasher-apple...
Banger-ticolensic-grander-
knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer-
spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-
weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm.
A tribute
to johann gambolputty de von
Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-
Crasscrenbon-fried-digger-
dingle-dangle-dongle-
Dungle-burstein-
von-knacker-thrasher-
Apple-banger-horowitz-
ticolensic-
Grander-knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-
Grumblemeyer-
Spelterwasser-
Kurstlich-himbleeisen-
Bahnwagen-gutenabend-
Bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-
Gerspurten-
Mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-
Mittler-aucher
von hautkopft
Of ulm.
Oof!
Oof!
Ooh!
Ooh, ooh!
That's it.
We are not about to allow
This sort of smut
to be shown on-screen.
I must agree with the censor.
Smut and filth have no place
on the street... screen...
On the street... no...
All clear?
All clear,
boss.
Right, this is
the plan, then.
At 10:45 you, reg, collect
me and ken in the van
And take us around to the
british jewelry center
In the high street.
We arrive outside
the british jewelry center
At 10:50 a of m.
I shall then get out of the car.
You, reg, take it and park it
Back here
in denver street, right?
At 10:51 I shall enter
the british jewelry center
Where you, vic, disguised
as a customer, will meet me
And hand me ?5.18.3.
At 10:52 I shall
approach the counter
And purchase a watch
costing ?5.18.3.
I shall then give
the watch to you, vic.
You'll go straight to norman's
garage in east street.
You lads come and pick me
back up here at 10:56
And we rendezvous in the back
room of the cow and sickle
At 11:15.
All right, any questions?
We don't seem to be doing
anything illegal.
What do you mean?
Well, we're paying
for the watch.
Yeah?
Well, why are we paying
for the watch?
They wouldn't give it to us
If we didn't pay
for it, would they?
I don't like this outfit.
Why not?
Well, we never break
The bloody law!
What do you mean?!
Well, look at that
bank job last week.
What was wrong
with that?
Well, having to
go in there
With a mask on
and ask for ?15
Out of my
deposit account--
That's what
was wrong.
What are you trying
to say, larry?
Couldn't we just steal
the watch, boss?
Oh, you dumb cluck!
We spent weeks
organizing this job!
Reg rented a room
across the road
And filmed people going
in and out every day.
Vic spent three weeks
looking at watch catalogs
Till he knew the price
of each one backwards.
And I'm not going
to risk the whole raid
Just for the sake
of breaking the law!
Couldn't we park
in the double yellow line?
No!
Couldn't
we get
A dog to foul
the foot?
What's the matter
with you?
I just thought I've...
I left the car on a meter
and it's...
Overdue?
Yes, boss.
How much?
I don't know, boss
Maybe two...
maybe five minutes.
Five minutes
overdue?!
You fool!
You fool!
All right, we have
no time to lose.
Ken, shave all your hair off,
get your passport
And meet me
at this address
In rio de janeiro
tuesday night.
Vic, go to east africa
Have plastic surgery
and meet me there.
Reg, go to canada, work your
way south to nicaragua by july.
Larry, you stay here
as front man.
Give us 15 minutes,
then blow the building up.
All right, make it fast.
Hey, boss, I can't
blow the building up.
Why not?
It's illegal.
Oh, bloody hell.
Well, we'd better
give ourselves up, then.
We can't boss.
Why not?
We haven't done
anything illegal.
Excuse me.
No, well, I think being illegal
makes it more exciting.
Yeah, I agree.
I mean, if you're going
to go straight
You might as well be
a vicar or something.
What?
I agree.
If there were fewer robbers
There wouldn't be so many of
them, numerically speaking.
I think sexual ecstasy
is overrated.
Well, how very interesting
Because I'm now made
entirely of tin.
After a few more
of these remarks
I shall be appearing
in a sketch, so stay tuned.
It's the uniform that puts them
off-- that and my bad breath.
We like
dressing up, yes.
Hello again.
I am at present still on film,
but in a few seconds
I shall be appearing
in the studio.
Thank you.
Hello.
Mr. milton, you are
sole proprietor and owner
Of the whizzo chocolate company?
I am.
Superintendent parrot and i
Are from the hygiene squad.
We want to have a word with you
about your box of chocolates
Entitled "the whizzo
quality assortment."
Ah, yes.
If I may begin
at the beginning.
First there is
the "cherry fondue."
This is extremely nasty, but we
can't prosecute you for that.
Agreed.
Next, we have
Number four-- "crunchy frog."
Ah, yes.
Am I right
In thinking
there's a real frog in here?
Yes, a little one.
What sort of frog?
A dead frog.
Is it cooked?
No.
What, a raw frog?
We use only the finest
baby frogs
Dew picked and flown from iraq
Cleansed in the finest quality
spring water, lightly killed
And then sealed in a succulent
swiss quintuple smooth
Treble cream
milk chocolate envelope
And lovingly frosted
with glucose.
That's as maybe,
it's still a frog.
Oh, what else?
Well, don't you even take
The bones out?
If we took the bones out
It wouldn't be crunchy,
would it?
Superintendent parrot
ate one of those.
Excuse me a moment.
It says "crunchy frog"
quite clearly.
Well, the superintendent
thought it was an almond whirl.
People won't expect there
to be a frog in there.
They're bound to think
it's some form of mock frog.
Mock frog?
We use no artificial
preservatives
Or additives
of any kind.
Nevertheless, I must
warn you that in future
You should delete
the words "crunchy frog"
And replace them
with the legend
"crunchy, raw, unboned,
real dead frog"
If you want to avoid
prosecution.
What about our sales?
I'm not interested
in your sales.
I have to protect
the general public.
Now, how about this one?
It was number five,
wasn't it?
Number five--
"ram's bladder cup."
What kind of
confection is this?
We use choicest, juicy chunks
of fresh cornish ram's bladder
Emptied, steamed,
flavored with sesame seeds
Whipped into a fondue
and garnished with lark's vomit.
Lark's vomit?
Correct.
Well, it don't say
nothing about that here.
Oh, yes, it does,
on the bottom of the box
After monosodium
glutamate.
Well, I hardly think
this is good enough.
I think it would be
more appropriate
If the box bore a large red
label warning, "lark's vomit."
Our sales would plummet.
Well, why don't you move
Into more conventional areas
of confectionery
Like praline or lime cream?--
A very popular flavor
I'm led to understand.
I mean, look at this one--
"cockroach cluster."
"anthrax ripple."
What's this one--
"spring surprise"?
Ah, now, that's our specialty--
Covered in darkest
creamy chocolate
When you pop it in your mouth,
steel bolts spring out
And plunge straight
through both cheeks.
Well, where's
the pleasure in that?
If people place a nice chocky
in their mouths
They don't want
their cheeks pierced.
In any case
This is an inadequate
description of the sweetmeat.
I should have
to ask you
To accompany me
to the station.
It's a fair cop.
Stop talking to the camera.
I'm sorry.
If only the general public
would take more care
When buying its sweeties
It would reduce the number
of man-hours lost to the nation
And they would spend less time
having their stomachs pumped
And sitting around
in public lavatories.
The bbc would like to apologize
For the extremely poor quality
of the next announcement
Only he is not at all well.
We present "the dull life
of a city stockbroker."
Yes, sir, coming right up, the
theater sketch, so don't move.
Me heap want see play.
Me want play start heap soon.
Yes, well, I think
it begins in a minute.
Me heap big fan
cicely courtneidge.
Yes, she's
very good.
She fine actress.
She make interpretation
heap subtle.
She heap good diction
and timing.
She make part really live
for indian brave.
Yes, yes,
she's marvelous.
My father-- chief running stag,
leader of mighty redfoot tribe--
Him heap keen on michael
denison and dulcie gray.
Um, do you go to
the theater a lot?
When moon high over prairie,
when wolf howl over mountain
When mighty wind roar
through yellow valley
We go leatherhead rep.
Block booking, upper circle
Whole tribe get in
on 3/6d each.
That's very good.
Stage manager, stan wilson,
heap good friend redfoot tribe.
After show, we go powwow,
speakum with director sandy camp
In snug bar
of bell and compasses.
Him mighty fine director.
Him heap famous.
Yes, I don't
know him myself.
Him say leatherhead rep
Like to play
with redfoot tribe.
Oh, that's good.
We do dial m for murder.
Chief running elk, him kill
buffalo with bare hands
Run thousand paces
while the sun is high
Him play chief inspector hardy.
Heap good fine actor.
You do a lot
of acting, do you?
Yes, redfoot tribe live
by acting and hunting.
You don't fight anymore?
Yes! redfoot make war.
When chief yellow snake
was leader
And mighty eagle was
in land of forefather
We fight pawnee
at oxbow crossing.
When pawnee steal our rehearsal
copies of reluctant debutante...
We kill 50 pawnee.
Houses heap full every night.
Heap good publicity.
I think it's
about to start now.
Thank god for that.
Paleface like
eat chocolate?
No, thank you
very much.
Mmm, crunchy frog,
heap good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
before the play starts
I would like to apologize
to you all
But unfortunately, miss cicely
courtneidge is unable to appear
Owing to...
Oh, did you
read that, edgar?
What was that, dear?
There's been another
indian massacre
At dorking civic theater.
About time,
too, dear.
"those who were
left alive at the end
Got their money back."
That's what
live theater needs--
A few more
massacres.
"the police are
anxious to speak
"to anyone
who saw the crime
"ladies with large breasts
Or just anyone
who likes policemen."
Yes, policemen make
wonderful friends.
So if you are over six feet tall
and would like a friend--
A pen friend--
in the police force
Here is the address to write to:
mrs. ena frog
8 masonic apron street,
cowdenbeath.
Remember, policemen make
wonderful friends
So write today and take
advantage of our free officer.
Thank you.
Now for the next sketch.
Ooh...
Oh, thank you.
Ooh, a scotsman on a horse!
For mrs. emma hamilton
of nelson
A scotsman on a horse.
Oh, I liked that.
I want to get one of those
for myself, too, peachy-face.
Ooh!
Whoa!
Whoa!
The police, percy!
We know
you're in there
So come out
with your hands up
And there'll be no trouble.
You'll never take
me alive, copper.
Ooh, all right.
Good morning, boys.
Good morning,
mr. saltzberg.
Sit down, sit down,
sit down, sit down.
Well, boys,
I want you to know
That I think you're the best
six writers in movies today.
And I want you to know
that I've had an idea
For the next movie
I'm going to produce
And I want you boys
to write it.
Oh, sit down, sit down,
sit down, sit down.
There'll be plenty of time
for that later on.
Now, here's my idea.
It's great.
You like it?
Do you like it?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
What do you like
best about it?
Oh, well, you haven't told us
what it is yet.
What?
Um... I like
what he likes.
What do you like?
Oh, I like
what he likes.
I like what he likes.
I like what he likes.
I'm just crazy
about what he likes.
What do you
like about it?
I agree
with them.
Good, now we're
getting somewhere.
Now, here's the start
of the movie.
I see snow...
White snow.
Think of the colors!
And in the snow,
I see a tree.
Wait, wait,
I haven't finished yet.
There's more?
And by this tree, gentlemen
I see a dog.
ole!
And, gentlemen,
this dog goes up to the tree
And he piddles on it.
Hallelu jah!
Have we got a movie!
He tells it
the way it is.
It's where it's at.
This is
something else.
It's out
of sight!
I like it,
I like it!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah,
I promise I like it.
Sir, I don't know
how to say this
But I've got to be
perfectly frank.
I really and truly believe
this story of yours
Is the greatest story
in motion picture history.
Get out!
If there's one thing I can't
stand, it's a yes-man.
Get out!
I'll see you
never work again!
What do you think?
Well, I uh...
Just because I have an idea
It doesn't mean it's great.
It could be lousy.
It could?
Yeah, what do you think?
It's lousy.
There you are, you see,
he spoke his mind.
He said my idea was lousy.
Just so happens my idea
isn't lousy.
So get out, you goddamn pinko
subversive, get out!
You!
Well, i... I think it's
an excellent idea.
Are you a yes-man?
No... I mean, there may be
things against it.
You think it's lousy?
No, no... I mean, it takes time.
Are you being indecisive?
Yo...
Nes... perhaps.
Now, I hope you three gentlemen
aren't going to be indecis...
What the hell are you doing
under that table?
We dropped our pencils.
Pencil-droppers, eh?
No, no, no.
Right.
Now, I want your
opinion of my idea.
You!
Has he had a heart attack?
If there's one thing
I can't stand
It's people
who have heart attacks!
I feel fine now.
Well, what do you think?
Uh... you didn't
ask me, you asked him.
Oh... you didn't
ask me, you asked him.
Uh... him.
I've changed my mind.
I'm asking you,
the one in the middle.
The one in the middle?
Yes, the one
in the middle!
Hello?
Yes, dmitri.
No, no,
it's all right.
Just a second...
What the hell
are you doing?
Uh, thinking.
Get back in those seats
immediately.
Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Right, you, the one
in the middle.
What do you think?
Come on!
Splunge!
Did he say "splunge"?
Yeah.
What does "splunge" mean?
It means it's a great idea
But possibly not.
And I'm not being indecisive.
Good, all right,
what do you think?
Uh, splunge?
Okay.
Yeah, splunge for me, too.
So all three of you
think splunge.
Well, now we're
getting somewhere.
No, wait, a new angle:
In the snow, instead
of the tree, I see...
Rock hudson.
Yeah.
And instead of the dog,
I see doris day.
Oh, yes.
And gentlemen, doris day
goes up to rock hudson
And she kisses on him.
It's a love story.
Intercourse italian-style.
David hemmings
as a hippie gestapo officer.
Frontal nudity.
A family picture.
A comedy.
And then when doris day's
kissed rock hudson
She says something funny
Like...
Good evening?
Doris day's a comedienne,
not a newsreader!
Get out!
She says something
funny like...
Uh... splunge.
That's the stupidest idea
I ever heard.
Get out!
Doris dog kisses rock tree
and she says?
I can't take it anymore!
I like that, I like that--
"I can't take it anymore."
And then rock hudson says
"I'm a very rich film producer
and I need a lobotomy."
And then doris dog says,
"I think you're very handsome
And I'm going to take
all my clothes off."
And then doris dog turns
into a yak
And goes to the bathroom
on david lemming...
No, wait, wait.
Hello? hello?
Hello, who are you?
You're an out-of-work writer?
Well, you're fired!
Roll the credits!
Produced by
irving c. saltzberg jnr.
and irving c. saltzberg
productions ltd.
and saltzberg art films, oil, real
estate, banking and prostitution inc.
Monty python's flying circus.
I thought you did that
so well, mr. figgis.
Could I have
your autograph?
Certainly, yes.
Beethoven, mozart, chopin,
liszt, brahms, panties--
I'm sorry.
Schumann, schubert,
mendelssohn and bach.
Names that will live forever.
But there is one composer
Whose name is never
included with the greats.
Why is it the world
never remembered
The name of johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-
schplenden-schlitter-
Crasscrenbon-fried-digger-
dingle-dangle-dongle-
Dungle-burstein-von-knacker-
thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
Ticolensic-grander-knotty-
spelltinkle-grandlich-
Grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-
kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
Gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-
Weimache-luber-hundsfut-
gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
von hautkopft of ulm?
To do justice to this man,
thought by many
To be the greatest name
in german baroque music
We present a profile
of johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden-
schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-
dungle-burstein-von-knacker-
Thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
ticolensic-grander-knotty-
Spelltinkle-grandlich-
grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-
Kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-
weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm.
We start with an interview with
his only surviving relative
Karl gambolputty de von...
When I first met
johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-
crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle-
dongle-dungle-burstein-
Von-knacker-thrasher-apple-
banger-horowitz-ticolensic-
Grander-knotty-
Spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer-
spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
Gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-
gerspurten-mitz-
Weimache-luber-hundsfut-
gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-
mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm
When he was
With his wife
Sarah gambolputty de von...
Yes, if I may...
Just cut in on you there,
herr gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden-
schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-
dungle-burstein-von-knacker-
Thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
Ticolensic-grander-
knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer-
spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-
weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
von hautkopft of ulm
And ask you just quickly if
there's any particular thing
That you remember
about johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden-
schlitter-crasscrenbon-
Fried-digger-dingle-dangle-
dongle-dungle-burstein-von-
Knacker-thrasher-apple...
Banger-ticolensic-grander-
knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer-
spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-
weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm.
A tribute
to johann gambolputty de von
Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-
Crasscrenbon-fried-digger-
dingle-dangle-dongle-
Dungle-burstein-
von-knacker-thrasher-
Apple-banger-horowitz-
ticolensic-
Grander-knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-
Grumblemeyer-
Spelterwasser-
Kurstlich-himbleeisen-
Bahnwagen-gutenabend-
Bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-
Gerspurten-
Mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-
Mittler-aucher
von hautkopft
Of ulm.
Oof!
Oof!
Ooh!
Ooh, ooh!
That's it.
We are not about to allow
This sort of smut
to be shown on-screen.
I must agree with the censor.
Smut and filth have no place
on the street... screen...
On the street... no...
All clear?
All clear,
boss.
Right, this is
the plan, then.
At 10:45 you, reg, collect
me and ken in the van
And take us around to the
british jewelry center
In the high street.
We arrive outside
the british jewelry center
At 10:50 a of m.
I shall then get out of the car.
You, reg, take it and park it
Back here
in denver street, right?
At 10:51 I shall enter
the british jewelry center
Where you, vic, disguised
as a customer, will meet me
And hand me ?5.18.3.
At 10:52 I shall
approach the counter
And purchase a watch
costing ?5.18.3.
I shall then give
the watch to you, vic.
You'll go straight to norman's
garage in east street.
You lads come and pick me
back up here at 10:56
And we rendezvous in the back
room of the cow and sickle
At 11:15.
All right, any questions?
We don't seem to be doing
anything illegal.
What do you mean?
Well, we're paying
for the watch.
Yeah?
Well, why are we paying
for the watch?
They wouldn't give it to us
If we didn't pay
for it, would they?
I don't like this outfit.
Why not?
Well, we never break
The bloody law!
What do you mean?!
Well, look at that
bank job last week.
What was wrong
with that?
Well, having to
go in there
With a mask on
and ask for ?15
Out of my
deposit account--
That's what
was wrong.
What are you trying
to say, larry?
Couldn't we just steal
the watch, boss?
Oh, you dumb cluck!
We spent weeks
organizing this job!
Reg rented a room
across the road
And filmed people going
in and out every day.
Vic spent three weeks
looking at watch catalogs
Till he knew the price
of each one backwards.
And I'm not going
to risk the whole raid
Just for the sake
of breaking the law!
Couldn't we park
in the double yellow line?
No!
Couldn't
we get
A dog to foul
the foot?
What's the matter
with you?
I just thought I've...
I left the car on a meter
and it's...
Overdue?
Yes, boss.
How much?
I don't know, boss
Maybe two...
maybe five minutes.
Five minutes
overdue?!
You fool!
You fool!
All right, we have
no time to lose.
Ken, shave all your hair off,
get your passport
And meet me
at this address
In rio de janeiro
tuesday night.
Vic, go to east africa
Have plastic surgery
and meet me there.
Reg, go to canada, work your
way south to nicaragua by july.
Larry, you stay here
as front man.
Give us 15 minutes,
then blow the building up.
All right, make it fast.
Hey, boss, I can't
blow the building up.
Why not?
It's illegal.
Oh, bloody hell.
Well, we'd better
give ourselves up, then.
We can't boss.
Why not?
We haven't done
anything illegal.
Excuse me.
No, well, I think being illegal
makes it more exciting.
Yeah, I agree.
I mean, if you're going
to go straight
You might as well be
a vicar or something.
What?
I agree.
If there were fewer robbers
There wouldn't be so many of
them, numerically speaking.
I think sexual ecstasy
is overrated.
Well, how very interesting
Because I'm now made
entirely of tin.
After a few more
of these remarks
I shall be appearing
in a sketch, so stay tuned.
It's the uniform that puts them
off-- that and my bad breath.
We like
dressing up, yes.
Hello again.
I am at present still on film,
but in a few seconds
I shall be appearing
in the studio.
Thank you.
Hello.
Mr. milton, you are
sole proprietor and owner
Of the whizzo chocolate company?
I am.
Superintendent parrot and i
Are from the hygiene squad.
We want to have a word with you
about your box of chocolates
Entitled "the whizzo
quality assortment."
Ah, yes.
If I may begin
at the beginning.
First there is
the "cherry fondue."
This is extremely nasty, but we
can't prosecute you for that.
Agreed.
Next, we have
Number four-- "crunchy frog."
Ah, yes.
Am I right
In thinking
there's a real frog in here?
Yes, a little one.
What sort of frog?
A dead frog.
Is it cooked?
No.
What, a raw frog?
We use only the finest
baby frogs
Dew picked and flown from iraq
Cleansed in the finest quality
spring water, lightly killed
And then sealed in a succulent
swiss quintuple smooth
Treble cream
milk chocolate envelope
And lovingly frosted
with glucose.
That's as maybe,
it's still a frog.
Oh, what else?
Well, don't you even take
The bones out?
If we took the bones out
It wouldn't be crunchy,
would it?
Superintendent parrot
ate one of those.
Excuse me a moment.
It says "crunchy frog"
quite clearly.
Well, the superintendent
thought it was an almond whirl.
People won't expect there
to be a frog in there.
They're bound to think
it's some form of mock frog.
Mock frog?
We use no artificial
preservatives
Or additives
of any kind.
Nevertheless, I must
warn you that in future
You should delete
the words "crunchy frog"
And replace them
with the legend
"crunchy, raw, unboned,
real dead frog"
If you want to avoid
prosecution.
What about our sales?
I'm not interested
in your sales.
I have to protect
the general public.
Now, how about this one?
It was number five,
wasn't it?
Number five--
"ram's bladder cup."
What kind of
confection is this?
We use choicest, juicy chunks
of fresh cornish ram's bladder
Emptied, steamed,
flavored with sesame seeds
Whipped into a fondue
and garnished with lark's vomit.
Lark's vomit?
Correct.
Well, it don't say
nothing about that here.
Oh, yes, it does,
on the bottom of the box
After monosodium
glutamate.
Well, I hardly think
this is good enough.
I think it would be
more appropriate
If the box bore a large red
label warning, "lark's vomit."
Our sales would plummet.
Well, why don't you move
Into more conventional areas
of confectionery
Like praline or lime cream?--
A very popular flavor
I'm led to understand.
I mean, look at this one--
"cockroach cluster."
"anthrax ripple."
What's this one--
"spring surprise"?
Ah, now, that's our specialty--
Covered in darkest
creamy chocolate
When you pop it in your mouth,
steel bolts spring out
And plunge straight
through both cheeks.
Well, where's
the pleasure in that?
If people place a nice chocky
in their mouths
They don't want
their cheeks pierced.
In any case
This is an inadequate
description of the sweetmeat.
I should have
to ask you
To accompany me
to the station.
It's a fair cop.
Stop talking to the camera.
I'm sorry.
If only the general public
would take more care
When buying its sweeties
It would reduce the number
of man-hours lost to the nation
And they would spend less time
having their stomachs pumped
And sitting around
in public lavatories.
The bbc would like to apologize
For the extremely poor quality
of the next announcement
Only he is not at all well.
We present "the dull life
of a city stockbroker."
Yes, sir, coming right up, the
theater sketch, so don't move.
Me heap want see play.
Me want play start heap soon.
Yes, well, I think
it begins in a minute.
Me heap big fan
cicely courtneidge.
Yes, she's
very good.
She fine actress.
She make interpretation
heap subtle.
She heap good diction
and timing.
She make part really live
for indian brave.
Yes, yes,
she's marvelous.
My father-- chief running stag,
leader of mighty redfoot tribe--
Him heap keen on michael
denison and dulcie gray.
Um, do you go to
the theater a lot?
When moon high over prairie,
when wolf howl over mountain
When mighty wind roar
through yellow valley
We go leatherhead rep.
Block booking, upper circle
Whole tribe get in
on 3/6d each.
That's very good.
Stage manager, stan wilson,
heap good friend redfoot tribe.
After show, we go powwow,
speakum with director sandy camp
In snug bar
of bell and compasses.
Him mighty fine director.
Him heap famous.
Yes, I don't
know him myself.
Him say leatherhead rep
Like to play
with redfoot tribe.
Oh, that's good.
We do dial m for murder.
Chief running elk, him kill
buffalo with bare hands
Run thousand paces
while the sun is high
Him play chief inspector hardy.
Heap good fine actor.
You do a lot
of acting, do you?
Yes, redfoot tribe live
by acting and hunting.
You don't fight anymore?
Yes! redfoot make war.
When chief yellow snake
was leader
And mighty eagle was
in land of forefather
We fight pawnee
at oxbow crossing.
When pawnee steal our rehearsal
copies of reluctant debutante...
We kill 50 pawnee.
Houses heap full every night.
Heap good publicity.
I think it's
about to start now.
Thank god for that.
Paleface like
eat chocolate?
No, thank you
very much.
Mmm, crunchy frog,
heap good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
before the play starts
I would like to apologize
to you all
But unfortunately, miss cicely
courtneidge is unable to appear
Owing to...
Oh, did you
read that, edgar?
What was that, dear?
There's been another
indian massacre
At dorking civic theater.
About time,
too, dear.
"those who were
left alive at the end
Got their money back."
That's what
live theater needs--
A few more
massacres.
"the police are
anxious to speak
"to anyone
who saw the crime
"ladies with large breasts
Or just anyone
who likes policemen."
Yes, policemen make
wonderful friends.
So if you are over six feet tall
and would like a friend--
A pen friend--
in the police force
Here is the address to write to:
mrs. ena frog
8 masonic apron street,
cowdenbeath.
Remember, policemen make
wonderful friends
So write today and take
advantage of our free officer.
Thank you.
Now for the next sketch.
Ooh...
Oh, thank you.
Ooh, a scotsman on a horse!
For mrs. emma hamilton
of nelson
A scotsman on a horse.
Oh, I liked that.
I want to get one of those
for myself, too, peachy-face.
Ooh!
Whoa!
Whoa!
The police, percy!
We know
you're in there
So come out
with your hands up
And there'll be no trouble.
You'll never take
me alive, copper.
Ooh, all right.
Good morning, boys.
Good morning,
mr. saltzberg.
Sit down, sit down,
sit down, sit down.
Well, boys,
I want you to know
That I think you're the best
six writers in movies today.
And I want you to know
that I've had an idea
For the next movie
I'm going to produce
And I want you boys
to write it.
Oh, sit down, sit down,
sit down, sit down.
There'll be plenty of time
for that later on.
Now, here's my idea.
It's great.
You like it?
Do you like it?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
What do you like
best about it?
Oh, well, you haven't told us
what it is yet.
What?
Um... I like
what he likes.
What do you like?
Oh, I like
what he likes.
I like what he likes.
I like what he likes.
I'm just crazy
about what he likes.
What do you
like about it?
I agree
with them.
Good, now we're
getting somewhere.
Now, here's the start
of the movie.
I see snow...
White snow.
Think of the colors!
And in the snow,
I see a tree.
Wait, wait,
I haven't finished yet.
There's more?
And by this tree, gentlemen
I see a dog.
ole!
And, gentlemen,
this dog goes up to the tree
And he piddles on it.
Hallelu jah!
Have we got a movie!
He tells it
the way it is.
It's where it's at.
This is
something else.
It's out
of sight!
I like it,
I like it!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah,
I promise I like it.
Sir, I don't know
how to say this
But I've got to be
perfectly frank.
I really and truly believe
this story of yours
Is the greatest story
in motion picture history.
Get out!
If there's one thing I can't
stand, it's a yes-man.
Get out!
I'll see you
never work again!
What do you think?
Well, I uh...
Just because I have an idea
It doesn't mean it's great.
It could be lousy.
It could?
Yeah, what do you think?
It's lousy.
There you are, you see,
he spoke his mind.
He said my idea was lousy.
Just so happens my idea
isn't lousy.
So get out, you goddamn pinko
subversive, get out!
You!
Well, i... I think it's
an excellent idea.
Are you a yes-man?
No... I mean, there may be
things against it.
You think it's lousy?
No, no... I mean, it takes time.
Are you being indecisive?
Yo...
Nes... perhaps.
Now, I hope you three gentlemen
aren't going to be indecis...
What the hell are you doing
under that table?
We dropped our pencils.
Pencil-droppers, eh?
No, no, no.
Right.
Now, I want your
opinion of my idea.
You!
Has he had a heart attack?
If there's one thing
I can't stand
It's people
who have heart attacks!
I feel fine now.
Well, what do you think?
Uh... you didn't
ask me, you asked him.
Oh... you didn't
ask me, you asked him.
Uh... him.
I've changed my mind.
I'm asking you,
the one in the middle.
The one in the middle?
Yes, the one
in the middle!
Hello?
Yes, dmitri.
No, no,
it's all right.
Just a second...
What the hell
are you doing?
Uh, thinking.
Get back in those seats
immediately.
Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Right, you, the one
in the middle.
What do you think?
Come on!
Splunge!
Did he say "splunge"?
Yeah.
What does "splunge" mean?
It means it's a great idea
But possibly not.
And I'm not being indecisive.
Good, all right,
what do you think?
Uh, splunge?
Okay.
Yeah, splunge for me, too.
So all three of you
think splunge.
Well, now we're
getting somewhere.
No, wait, a new angle:
In the snow, instead
of the tree, I see...
Rock hudson.
Yeah.
And instead of the dog,
I see doris day.
Oh, yes.
And gentlemen, doris day
goes up to rock hudson
And she kisses on him.
It's a love story.
Intercourse italian-style.
David hemmings
as a hippie gestapo officer.
Frontal nudity.
A family picture.
A comedy.
And then when doris day's
kissed rock hudson
She says something funny
Like...
Good evening?
Doris day's a comedienne,
not a newsreader!
Get out!
She says something
funny like...
Uh... splunge.
That's the stupidest idea
I ever heard.
Get out!
Doris dog kisses rock tree
and she says?
I can't take it anymore!
I like that, I like that--
"I can't take it anymore."
And then rock hudson says
"I'm a very rich film producer
and I need a lobotomy."
And then doris dog says,
"I think you're very handsome
And I'm going to take
all my clothes off."
And then doris dog turns
into a yak
And goes to the bathroom
on david lemming...
No, wait, wait.
Hello? hello?
Hello, who are you?
You're an out-of-work writer?
Well, you're fired!
Roll the credits!
Produced by
irving c. saltzberg jnr.
and irving c. saltzberg
productions ltd.
and saltzberg art films, oil, real
estate, banking and prostitution inc.