Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 5 - Man's Crisis of Identity in the Latter Half of the 20th Century - full transcript

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

Oh, good, that'll be
the vet, dear.

I'd better go
and let him in.

It's the
vet, dear.

Very glad, indeed

You could
come round, sir.

Not at all.

Now, what seems
to be the problem?

You can tell me.

I'm a vet, you know.



See? tell him, dear.

Well...

It's our cat!

He doesn't
do anything.

He just sits out there
on the lawn.

Is he... dead?

Oh, no.

Thank god for that.

For one ghastly moment
I thought I was...

Too late.

If only more people would call
in the nick of time.

He just sits there

All day
and every day.

And at night...



Shh! almost
motionless.

We have to take
his food out to him.

And his milk...

Shh! he doesn't
do anything.

He just sits there.

Are you at your wit's end?

Definitely-- shh-- yes.

Hmm, I see.

Well, I think
I may be able to help you.

You see...

Your cat is suffering

From what we vets
haven't found a word for.

His condition is typified
by total physical inertia--

Absence of interest
in its ambiance--

What we vets call "environment."

Oh...

Failure to respond

To the conventional
external stimuli:

A ball of string,
a nice juicy mouse, a bird.

To be blunt,
your cat is in a rut.

It's the old...
stockbroker syndrome

The suburban
fin-de-siecle ennui

Angst, weltschmertz--
call it what you will.

Moping.

In a way, in a way.

Hmm, "moping,"
I must remember that.

Now, what's to be done.

Tell me, sir, have you
confused your cat recently?

Well, i...

Shh! no.

Yes, well...

I think I can definitely say

That your cat badly needs
to be confused.

What?

Shh! what?

Confused--

To shake it out
of its state of complacency.

I'm afraid...

I'm not personally
qualified to confuse cats

But I can recommend
an extremely good service.

Here is their card.

Oh, "confuse-a-cat."

"confuse-a-cat, limited."

Oh.

Squad!
eyes front!

Stand at ease!

Cat confusers...

Confusers... ho!

Well, men,
we've got

A very difficult
cat to confuse today

So let's get straight
on with it, jolly good.

Thank you, sergeant.

Confusers!

Attend to the van
and fetch out...

Wait for it!

Fetch out
the funny things!

Move, move,
move, move!

One, two,
one, two

Get those
funny things off!

Right, get
rid of that!

Get a move on,
move it.

Round about this way.

Further back,
over there, leave it down.

One, two, one, two.

Confusers! fall... in!

Stage ready for
confusing, sir!

Very good.

Carry on, sergeant.

Left turn!

Double march!

Right, men, confuse the... cat.

My lords,
ladies and gentlemen...

I hope to god
it works.

Anyway, we shall know
any minute now.

Oh, I can't
believe it!

Neither can i.

It's just like
the old days.

He's cured.

Oh, thank you,
general.

What can we ever
do to repay you?

No need to, sir.

It's all in a day's work for...

Confuse-a-cat.

Have you read this, sir?

No-- oh, yes, yes, yes.

Anything to declare?

Yes-- no! no!

No, no, nothing
to declare, no.

Nothing in
my suitcase, no.

No watches,
cameras, radio sets?

Oh, yes,
four watches...

No! no! no...

No, one watch.

No! no, not
even one watch.

No watches at all.

No, no watches
at all.

No precision
watches, no.

Which country have you been
visiting, sir?

Switzerland...

No! no,
not switzerland, ha!

Not switzerland.

It began with "s"
but it wasn't switzerland.

Oh, what could it be?

Terribly bad
memory for names.

Uh... what's the name
of that country

Where they don't
make watches at all?

Spain?

Spain! that's it.

Spain, yes, mmm.

The label says "zurich," sir.

Yes, well...
it was spain, then.

Zurich's in switzerland, sir.

Switzerland,
yeah, mmm, mmm...

Switzerland.

Yeah, mm-hmm...

Where they
make the watches.

Ah! yeah...

Ooh, nice shed
you've got here.

Have you got any
swiss currency, sir?

No, just the watches.

Ah! just my watch.

Just my watch, uh...
my watch on the currency.

I've kept a watch
on the currency

And I've watched it
and I haven't got any.

That come out a bit glib,
didn't it?

Have you got an alarm clock
in there, sir?

No, no, heavens no, no.

Just vests, ha!

Sounded a bit like
an alarm clock going off.

Well, it can't have been.

It must have been a vest...

Uh... going off.

Going off.

All right!

I confess,
I'm a smuggler.

This whole case
is crammed full

Of swiss watches
and clocks.

I've been purposely
trying to deceive

Her majesty's
customs and excise.

I've been
a bloody fool.

I don't believe you, sir.

It's true, I'm guilty
of smuggling.

Don't give
me that, sir.

You couldn't smuggle
a piece of grease-proofed paper

Let alone a case
full of watches.

What do you mean?!

I've smuggled watches
before, you know!

I've smuggled bombs, cameras,
microfilms, aircraft components.

You name it,
I've smuggled it.

Now, move along, please.

You're wasting our time,
move along, please.

Look! look at this.

Look, for all I know, sir, you
could've bought these in london

Before you ever went

To switzerland.

I wouldn't buy 2,000 clocks!

People do.

Now close her up.

Move along, please.

Go on,
don't waste our time.

We're out to catch
the real smugglers.

I am a real
smuggler!

I'm a smuggler,
everybody!

Don't you understand?

I'm a smuggler!

I'm a lawbreaker!
I'm a smuggler!

Poor fellow,
I think he needs help.

Right, cut the
wisecracks, vicar.

Get to the search
room and strip.

Well, to discuss
the implications of that sketch

And to consider
the moral problems

Raised by the law enforcement
methods involved

We have a duck,
a cat and a lizard.

Now, first of all

I'd like to put this question
to you, please, lizard:

How effective do you consider
the legal weapons

Employed by legal customs
officers nowadays?

Well, while you're
thinking about that

I'd like to bring
the duck in here

And ask her,
if possible

To clarify the whole question
of currency restrictions

And custom regulations
in the world today.

Perhaps the cat
would rather answer that?

No? lizard?

No.

Well, uh...

Let's ask the man in the street
what he thinks.

I am not a man, you silly billy.

I'm not in the street,
you fairy!

Well, uh, speaking
as a man in the street...

What was the question again?

Just how relevant

Are contemporary
customs regulations

And currency
restrictions

In a modern, expanding
industrial economy?

Oh, never mind.

Well, I think customs men
should be armed

So they can kill people carrying
more than 200 cigarettes.

Well, I think that, uh...
nobody who has gone abroad

Should be allowed
back in the country!

I mean, uh... blimey!

Blimey!

If they're not keen enough
to stay here when they're here

Why should
we allow them back, huh...

At the taxpayers' expense?

I mean, be fair!

I mean, I don't
eat squirrels, do i?

I mean, well, perhaps I do,
one or two

But there's no law
against that, is there?

It's a free country!

I mean, if I want to eat
a squirrel now and again

That's my own business,
isn't it?

I mean, I'm no racialist!

I...

Oh...

I think it's silly to ask
a lizard what it thinks, anyway.

Why?

I mean, they should have
asked margaret drabble.

Well, I think customs people
are quite necessary

And I think they're doing
quite a good job, really.

Check.

Door's open.

Oh, yeah.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

My name's police
constable henry thatcher

And this is a raid.

I have reason to believe

That there are
certain substances

On the premises.

What sort of
substances, officer?

Er, certain substances.

Well, what sort of
certain substances?

Er, certain substances
of an illicit nature.

Could you be more specific?

I beg your pardon?

Could you be clearer?

Oh, oh, yeah.

Certain substances
on the premises

To be removed
for clinical tests.

Have you got anything
particular in mind?

Well, what have you got?

Nothing, officer.

You are sandy camp, the actor?

Yes.

I must warn you, sir

That outside I have
police dog josephine

Who is not only armed

And trained to sniff out
certain substances

But is also a junkie.

What are you after?

Oh!

Oh, oh!

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh... oh!

I've...

Here is
a brown paper bag

I have found
on the premises.

I must confiscate
this, sir

And take it with me
for clinical examination.

Wait a minute.

You just got that
out of your pocket.

What?

Well, what's
in it anyway?

Sandwiches?

Sandwiches?

Blimey! whatever
did I give the wife?

"dear bbc,
east grimstead, friday...

"I feel I really must write
and protest about that sketch.

"my husband, in common with a
lot of people of his age, is 50.

"for how long are we
to put up with these things?

Yours sincerely,
e.d. debenham, mrs."

"dear freddy grisewood,
bagshot, surrey.

"as a prolific letter writer

"I feel I must protest
about the previous letter.

"I am nearly 60
and am quite mad.

"but I do en joy listening
to the bbc home service.

"if this continues
to go on unabated

"dunkirk, dark days of the war,
backs to the wall

"alvar liddell, berlin airlift,
moral upheaval of profumo case

"young hippies
roaming the streets

"raping, looting and killing.

Yours, etcetera, brigadier
arthur gormanstrop, mrs."

Well, I think they should
attack things like that...

With satire.

I mean, ned sherrin.

Fair's fair.

I think people should be able to
make up their own minds for me.

Well, I think they should attack

The fuddy-duddy attitudes
of the lower middle classes

Which permit the establishment
to survive

And keep the mores
of the whole country

Back where they were
in the 19th century

And the ghastly days of
the presexual revolution.

Well, that's,
er, very interesting

Because, er, I am, in fact,
made entirely of wood.

Well, I think they should
attack the lower classes

First with bombs and rockets,
destroying their homes

And then when they run
helpless into the streets

Mowing them down
with machine guns.

And then, of course,
releasing the vultures.

I know these views
aren't popular

But I have never
courted popularity.

I think there should
be more race prejudice.

Less.

Less race prejudice.

...and several butcher's aprons.

In fulham this morning,
a jeweler's shop was broken into

And jewelry to the value
of ?2,000 stolen.

Police have issued this picture
of a man they wish to interview.

The man is in his late 20s

Wearing a gray suit,
a white shirt and a floral tie.

Will anyone who sees this man

Or can give any information
about his whereabouts

Contact their nearest
police station?

Ah...

Oh, we've just heard
that police have detained

The man they wished to interview

In connection with
the jewel robbery.

But after questioning

Police have ruled him
out of their inquiries

And released him.

Sport.

Ah, they say, however, that
acting on his information

They now wish to interview
a newsreader

In the central london area.

Police are concentrating
their inquiries

On the british broadcasting
associ...

Excuse me a minute.

We understand a man
is now helping police

With their inquiries.

And that is the end of the news.

And now, "match of the day."

Uh, I'm terribly sorry.

It's not, in fact,
"match of the day."

It is, in fact,
edited highlights

Of tonight's romantic movie.

Uh... sorry.

Ooh! I'm sorry.

On bbc2, joan bakewell will
be talking to michael dean

About what makes
exciting television.

Ah, sorry about all that.

And now,
back to the movie.

Oh, bevis.

Oh, darling.

Oh, should we?

Why not?

Oh!

Be gentle with me.

Oh, bevis, are you
going to do anything

Or are you just going to show me
films all evening?

Just one more, dear.

Oh!

Whoa! charles atlas!

With the world's most
perfectly developed body.

Tired of being pushed around?

Would you like to do
some pushing around instead?

Would you like a body that
can't fail to attract women?

A body that is the envy
of other men?

Oh, I must get
one of those.

Then let me have your skinny,
scrawny little body

For just 15 minutes a day.

I've heard that one
before, ducky.

Let me slap 50 pounds
of he-man muscles on you.

Thick, herculean arms...

A deep, massive chest...

Atomic-powered legs,
shoulders a yard wide

And right in the privacy
of your own home.

What's my secret?

It's dynamo tension.

Muscles pulling against muscles,
the natural way.

Here's living proof.

And there's no need
to stop there.

So don't delay.

Send today

For my gigantic, free,
78-page muscle-building course.

Postman.

And start building a body
you can be proud of.

You know, I really en joy
interviewing applicants

For this management
training course.

Come in.

Ah, come and sit down.

Thank you.

Would you mind
just standing up again

For one moment?

Take a seat.

I'm sorry?

Take a seat.

Yes.

Ah!

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Tell me, why do you
say "good morning"

When you know perfectly
well it's afternoon?

Well, you said "good morning."

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Oh, dear.

Good evening.

Good-bye?

No.

Aren't you
going to ask me

Why I rang the bell?

Er, why did you
ring the bell?

Why do you think
I rang the bell?

Five, four...

Three, two...

One, zero!

Well, i, i...

Too late!

Good night

Ding-ding-
ding-ding

Ding-ding-
ding-ding-ding.

Good night

Ding-ding-
ding-ding

Ding-ding-
ding-ding-ding.

Um... this is...
is the interview

For the management
training course, is it?

Yes-- yes, it is.

Good night

Ding-ding-
ding-ding-ding...

Oh, dear, I don't think
I'm doing very well.

Why do you say that?

Well, I don't know.

Do you say it
because you didn't know?

Well, i...
I don't know.

Five!

Four, three,
two, one, zero!

Right.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Well, why did you think
I did that then?

Well, I don't know.

Aren't you curious?

Well, yes.

Well, why don't you ask me?

Name?

What?

Your name, please!

Um, er, david.

David. sure?

Oh, yes.

David... shaw.

No, no-- thomas.

Thomas shaw?

No, no-- david thomas.

Good night

Ding-ding-
ding-ding...

Oh, dear, we're
back to that again.

Good night

Ding-ding-ding-ding

Ding-ding-
ding-ding-ding.

I don't know what to do
when you do that.

Well, do something.

Good night

Ding-ding-
ding-ding...

Five!

Four! three!

Two! one!

Good!

Good?

Very good.

Do it again.

Very good indeed.

Quite outstanding.

Ah, right, ready now.

Right, once more.

Good night

Ding-ding-
ding-ding

Ding-ding-
ding-ding-ding.

Wha... what's going on?

What's going on?

You got very good marks.

Well, I don't care.

I want to know what's going on!

I think you're deliberately
trying to humiliate people

And I'm going
straight out of here

And I'm going
to tell the police

Exactly what
you do to people

And they're going
to make bloody sure

That you never
do it again.

There, what do
you think of that?!

What do you
think of that?

Very good marks.

Oh, oh...

Well,
do I get the job?

Er, well, I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid all the vacancies
were filled several weeks ago.

Hmm.

Well, that was all good fun

And we all had
a jolly good laugh.

But I would like to assure you

That you'd never
be treated like that

If you had an interview here
at the careers advisory board.

Perhaps I should
introduce myself.

I am the head of the
careers advisory board.

I wanted to be a doctor,
but there we are.

I'm head of
the careers advisory board.

Or a sculptor--
something artistic.

Or an engineer,
with all those dams

But there we are, it's no
use crying over spilt milk.

The facts are there
and that's that.

I'm the head
of this lousy board.

Never mind.

Now, I wonder if you've
ever considered

What a very profitable
line of work this man is in.

Burglar!

Burglar!

Yes?

Burglar, madam.

What do you want?

I want to come in
and steal a few things, madam.

Are you
an encyclopedia salesman?

No, madam,
I'm a burglar.

I burgle people.

I think you're
an encyclopedia salesman.

Oh, I'm not,
open the door.

Let me in, please.

If I let you in, you'll sell me
encyclopedias.

I won't, madam.

I just want to come in,
ransack the flat... honestly.

Promise?

No encyclopedias?

None at all.

All right.

You'd better come in, then.

Mind you,
I don't know

Whether you've ever
really considered

The advantages of owning
a really fine set

Of modern encyclopedias.

You know, they can do
you really wonders.

That man was a successful
encyclopedia salesman.

But not all encyclopedia
salesmen are successful.

Here is an unsuccessful
encyclopedia salesman.

Now here are two unsuccessful
encyclopedia salesmen.

I think there's a lesson there
for all of us.