Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 13 - Intermission - full transcript
Among "historical" impersonations are Cardinal Richelieu as Petula Clark and Julius Caesar as Eddie Waring. Also: a police fairy tale; a vegetarian restaurant's menu, featuring a naked man with an apple in his mouth.
It's...
There will now be
a short intermission.
Monty python's flying circus.
There will now be
a medium-sized intermission.
Not bad for a starter
But now perhaps something
a little more savory.
Ooh, I don't like this,
ooh, I don't like that.
Oh, I don't think
much to all this.
Oh, fancy using
that wallpaper.
Fancy using mustard.
Ooh, is that a proper one?
ooh, it's not real.
I don't think
it's a proper restaurant
Unless they give
you finger bowls.
Ooh, I don't like him.
I'm going to have
a baby in a few years.
Uh, please excuse
my wife.
She may appear
to be rather nasty
But underneath she has
a heart of formica.
Sorry about that.
That's all right, sir, we get
all sorts of lines in here.
The headwaiter will be along
to abuse you in a few moments
And now,
if you'll excuse me
I have to go
and commit suicide.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's all right.
It's not because
of anything serious.
Oh, good.
Quite frankly, I'm against
people who commit suicide.
I don't like
that sort of person at all.
I'm plain people
and I'm proud of it.
My mother's the salt
of the earth
And I don't take
the pill 'cause
it's nasty.
Please excuse my wife
She may not be
very beautiful
And she may
have no money
And she may be
a little talentless
Boring and dull,
but on the other hand...
Sorry, I can't
think of anything.
Fine... I'm the headwaiter.
This is a vegetarian
restaurant only.
We serve no animal
flesh of any kind.
We're not only
proud of that
We're smug about it.
So, if you were to come in here
Asking me to rip open
a small, defenseless chicken
So you could chew its skin
and eat its intestines
I'm afraid I would
have to ask you to leave.
No, no, no, no.
Likewise if you were to ask me
To slice the sides off a cow
And serve it
with small pieces of its liver
Or, indeed, drain
the lifeblood from a pig
Before cutting off
one of its legs
Or carve the
living giblets
From a sheep
and serve them
With the fresh
brains, bowels
Guts and spleen
of a small rabbit
We wouldn't do it!
Not for food, anyway.
Quite frankly,
I'm against people
Who give vent
to their loquacity
By extraneous
bombastic
circumlocution.
Oh, I don't
like that.
Sometimes, shirley,
I think you're almost human.
Do you know I still wet my bed.
Once, I married someone
who was beautiful
And young
and gay and free.
Whatever happened to her?
You divorced her
and married me.
I met my second wife
At a second-wife-
swapping party.
Trust me to arrive late.
Always were late,
weren't you, thompson?
Hello, headmaster.
What are you doing here?
Fine, fine, fine,
thank you.
Fine, thank you.
No more sherry for me,
don't you know.
Warner house beat
badger house
For the second
cuppa, remarkable.
We had to put most
of the second form
to sleep.
No padre-- bad business.
They were beginning
to play with themselves.
Still... you haven't
seen my wife anywhere,
have you?
No.
oh, thank
Oh, I don't
like him.
Do you know what I mean?
do you know what I mean?
I mean, do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean?
do you know what I mean?
I mean, do you
know what I mean?
All men are
the same.
Imagine not
that these four walls
Contain the mighty owl
of thebes
For, gentles all,
beauty sits most closely
To them it can construe.
No, it
doesn't.
Sorry.
Fine... would you care
for a glass of blood?
Oh, what a giveaway.
No, we'd like to see
the menu please.
I don't think
it's a proper restaurant
Unless you have
a proper menu
And anyway, i
might be pregnant.
Perhaps you'd care
for a drink?
Ever since you've
married me, douglas
You've treated me
Like an
albatross.
Evening.
Good evening.
I hope you're going
To en joy me this evening.
I'm the special.
Try me with some rice.
I beg your
pardon?
A hopkins au gratin
a la chef.
Ah, how do you?
Don't play
with your food.
I don't like that.
There's dust on here.
I don't think
it's a proper meal
Without pudding.
My husband's
an architect.
Oh, one word of warning,
sir, a little tip.
Don't have any
of the vicar over there.
He's been here two weeks
And nobody's touched him--
enough said?
Yes, thank you.
Well, I must get on
or I'll spoil.
Janet, to the kitchen.
There's a dead bishop
in the lobby, sir.
I don't know who keeps
bringing them in here.
Oh, I don't
like that.
I think it's silly.
It's not
a proper sketch
Without a proper
punch line.
I mean, I don't know much
about anything, I'm stupid.
I'm muggins,
nobody cares what I think.
I'm always
the one that has
to do everything.
Nobody cares about me.
I'll have
bloody babies
And they can bloody
well care about me.
It makes you sick,
half this television.
They never
stop talking.
He'll be
the ruination
of her.
Rhythm method!
There will now be
a whopping great intermission
During which small ice creams in
very large boxes will be sold.
Another way we can drive
people away from the cinema
Is by showing you
advertisements.
Do you like this?
Or how about this?
Or perhaps you prefer
this latest model?
Then why not come to us?
We supply
only the very best models.
After the show, why not visit
the la gondola restaurant--
Just two minutes
from this performance.
The manager, mr. luigi vercotti,
will be pleased
To welcome you and introduce you
To a wide variety
of famous sicilian delicacies.
Here you can relax in comfort
in friendly surroundings.
Or if you wish, you may drink
and dance till midnight.
At the la gondola restaurant
You can sample all the spicy
pleasures of the mediterranean.
The headwaiter will be pleased
to show you his specialities.
Or why not ask the cook
for something really hot?
Yes, for an evening
you'll never forget
It's the la gondola restaurant
Chelsea, parkhurst, dartmoor
and the scrubs.
Albatross!
Albatross!
Albatross?
Two choc ices,
please.
I haven't got
choc ices.
I've only got
the albatross.
Albatross!
What flavor is it?
It's a bird, isn't it?
It's a bloody seabird.
It's not
any bloody flavor.
Albatross!
Do you get
wafers with it?
Of course you don't
Get bloody wafers
with it!
Albatross!
How much is it?
Nine pence.
I'll have two please.
Gannet on a stick.
There will now be
a very short...
Well, that's
quite enough of that.
And now a policeman
near rottingdeans.
Albatross!
Inspector,
inspector.
Mm-hmm.
I'm terribly sorry
But I was sitting
on a park bench
over there
Took my coat off
for a minute
And then I found my
wallet had been stolen
And ?15 taken from it.
Well, did you, uh
Did you see
anyone take it
Anyone hanging
around or...
No, no, there was
no one there at all.
That's the trouble.
Well, there's
not very much
We can do
about that, sir.
Oh.
Do you want to come
back to my place?
Yeah, all right.
Albatross.
Mr. burtenshaw?
Me, doctor?
No, me doctor,
you mr. burtenshaw.
My wife, doctor?
No, your wife
patient--
Me doctor.
Come this way, please.
Me, sister?
No, she sister,
me doctor
You mr. burtenshaw.
Dr. walters?
Me nurse.
You mr. burtenshaw.
She sister,
you doctor.
No, doctor.
No doctor,
call ambulance,
keep warm.
Drink, doctor?
Drink doctor,
eat sister
Cook mr. burtenshaw,
nurse me.
You, doctor?
Me doctor.
You mr. burtenshaw.
She nurse.
But my wife,
nurse.
Your wife not nurse.
She nurse,
your wife patient.
Be patient, she
nurse your wife.
Me doctor,
yew tree.
Utrecht, utrillo
U thant, euphemism.
Me doctor.
Albatross!
I'd like to meet someone
Of superior intelligence.
I'd like to hear the sound
Of two bricks
being bashed together.
I'd like to see
John the baptist's impersonation
of graham hill.
Yes, it's
historical impersonations
When you in the present can make
Those in the past
stars of the future.
And here is your host
for tonight, wally wiggin.
Hello, good evening, and welcome
to historical impersonations.
And we kick off tonight
with cardinal richelieu
And his impersonation
of petula clark.
Oh, don't sleep
in the subway, darling
Don't stand
in the pouring rain...
Cardinal richelieu--
sixteen stone of pure man.
And now your favorite
roman emperor, julius caesar
As eddie waring.
tota gallia divisa est
in tres partes
Wigan, hunslett
and hull kingston rovers.
Well done indeed,
julius caesar--
A smile, a conquest
and a dagger up your strap.
Our next challenger comes
all the way from the crimea.
It's the very lovely florence
nightingale as brian london.
And now for our most
ambitious attempt tonight.
All the way from moscow in the
u.s.s. of r., ivan the terrible
As a sales assistant
in freeman, hardy and willis.
And now w.g. grace
as a music box.
And now it's france's turn.
One of their top statesmen,
napoleon, as the r-101 disaster.
And now it's request time.
I would like to see
John the baptist's impersonation
of graham hill.
And now a short intermission
During which marcel marceau
will impersonate
A man walking against the wind.
And now marcel will mime a man
Being struck about the head
by a 16-ton weight.
What's your name?
Eric.
Would you like to have
a 16-ton weight
Dropped on top
of you, eric?
Don't know.
How about you?
I want
to have...
What do you
want to have?
I want
to have...
What?
I want to have
racquel welch...
Dropped on
top of me.
Dropped on
top of you?
Oh, yes, not
climbing.
She's got
a big bottom.
And what's your name?
Trevor atkinson.
And how old
are you, trevor?
I'm 42.
Are you a friend
of trevor's?
Yes, we're
all colleagues
From the empire and
general insurance
company.
And what
do you do?
Well, I deal
mainly
With mortgage-
protection policies
But I also do certain
types of life assurance.
Now, if you and
your pal had one
big wish, trevor
What would you like
to see on television?
I'd like to see more fairy
stories about the police.
And so
you shall.
Yes, we in the special crimes
squad have been using wands
For almost a year now.
You find it's easy to make
yourself invisible.
You can defy time and space
And you can turn violent
criminals into frogs
Something which you could never
do with the old truncheons.
Yes, tonight probearound
takes a look at crime.
I'm sorry about that
But i always introduce
this program, not him.
Yes, tonight probearound
takes a look at crime.
Is it true that the police
are using dachshunds
To combat the crime wave?
Can the head of the vice squad
turn himself into an albatross
Whenever he wants to?
Just what are the police up to?
Oh, I'm up to page 39
Where peter pan first
manifests himself.
With me now is inspector
harry h. "snapper" organs
Of "h" division.
Good evening.
Inspector, I believe
you are encouraging magic
In the police force.
That is correct.
The criminal mind's
A strange, contorted
one-- good evening.
The mind is subject to
severe mental stresses--
Good evening.
Guilt fears abound--
good evening--
In the subconscious.
In this state,
one of our lads
With a fair training
in the black arts
Can scare the
fertilizer out of them.
Just how are the police
combating the increase
With the use of the occult?
Ex-king zog of albania reports.
Well, we seem to have
lost ex-king zog there
But who cares?
Just what kinds of magic
are the police introducing
Into their crime-prevention
techniques?
U-p...
Y...
O...
U...
R...
S.
"up yours"!?
What a rude
ouija board!
Now, this is the kind of thing
That gives the police
a bad name, sergeant.
I know, sir.
Yes, beryl?
Attila the hun to see you, sir.
Who?
Attila the hun, sir.
Oh, botherkins!
Constable, go and see
to him, will you?
What? in this dress?
Oh, all right,
I'll go.
Oh, I've got a
little green pinny
I could wear.
No, no,
no, I'll go.
You stay here.
Oh, goody! I can get
on with the ironing.
Right... where is he?
Over there, sir.
All right, sergeant,
leave this to me.
Now, then, sir, you
are attila the hun.
That's right, yes, a.t. hun.
My parents were
mr. and mrs. norman hun
But they had a little
joke when I was born.
Yes... well,
mr. hun...
Oh, call me "the,"
for heaven's sake!
Oh... well, the,
what do you want
to see us about?
I've come to
give myself up.
What for?
Looting, pillaging
and sacking a major city.
I beg your
pardon?
Looting, pillaging,
sacking a major city
And I'd like 9,000 other charges
To be taken into
consideration, please.
I say, excuse
me, mr. hun.
Have you any objection
to taking a breath test?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Right-- sergeant, will you
bring the analyzer, please?
Here we
are, sir.
How's it work?
Well, if
he breathes
into it, sir
And the white
crystals turn
lime green
Then he is
attila the
hun, sir.
I see-- well, would
you mind breathing
Into this,
mr. hun?
Right.
What if nothing
happens, sergeant?
He's alexander
the great, sir!
Aha! caught you,
mr. a.t. great!
Oh, curses, curses!
I thought I was safe,
disguised as attila the hun.
O-ho, perhaps so, but you
made one fatal mistake.
You see, this wasn't
a hunalyzer.
It was an alexander-
the-greatalyzer.
Take him away, beryl!
"dear sir, I object very
strongly to that last scene
And to the next letter."
"dear sir, I object
to being objected to
"by the last letter
"before my drift has
become apparent.
"I spent many years in india
during the last war
"and am now a part-time
notice board
"in a prominent public school.
"yours etc.,
brigadier zoe la rue (deceased).
P.s. aghhh!"
"dear sir, when I was at school
"I was beaten regularly
every 30 minutes
"and it never did me any harm--
"except for psychological
maladjustment
"and blurred vision.
Yours truly, flight lieutenant
ken frankenstein (mrs.)."
Huh?
I want to see the doctor.
Dr. larch, there's
a mr. phelps to see you.
Uh, nurse?
Yes?
You don't think you
should make it clear
That I'm a psychiatrist?
What?
Well, I could be
any type of doctor.
Well, I can't come in and
say "psychiatrist larch"
Or "dr. larch, who
is a psychiatrist."
Oh, anyway, look, it's
written on the door.
That's outside.
Well, I don't care.
You'll just have
to do it yourself.
Hello?
No, wrong number, I'm afraid.
This is a psychiatrist speaking.
Next, please.
Come in.
Bow wow wow.
Ah, mr. phelps--
come on in,
take a seat.
Now, what seems
to be the matter?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry?
Oh, can't you do
better than that?
I mean, it's
so predictable.
I've seen it
a million times.
Knock, knock, knock;
"come in;
Ah, mr. phelps,
take a seat."
I've seen it
and seen it.
Well, look, will you
please sit down
And do your
first line?
No, no, I've
had enough.
I've had enough.
I can't even get it started.
Albatross!
Shut up!
Oh, it drives me mad.
A mad psychiatrist,
that'd be new-- huh!
Next, please.
C... oh.
Cross the threshold,
arrive, ingress
Gain admittance, infiltrate.
Ah, mr. notlob,
uh, park your hips
On the sitting device.
It is a mad
psychiatrist.
I'm not, I'm not!
Come on in,
take a seat.
What's... what's
the matter?
Now, what's the matter?
Well, I keep
hearing
Guitars playing
and people singing
When there's no one around.
Yes, well,
this is not at
all uncommon.
In certain mental
states we find
That auditory
hallucinations occur
Which are
of a most...
We can stay all day
We're going to the zoo...
Is that "we're
all going to the
zoo tomorrow"?
Yes, yes.
Is it always that?
No.
Well, that's
something.
But it's mainly folk songs.
Last night I had
"we'll never fall in love
again"-- for six hours!
Well, look, I think I'd better
have a second opinion on this.
I want you to see
a colleague of mine
A specialist in these
sort of things
Who has an office very
much like this one
As a matter
of fact.
Ooh...
Um, no, no, wrong number.
I'm a colleague of his--
A surgeon who specializes
in these kind of things.
Yes, thank you very much.
Next, please.
Come in.
Ah, come in,
please take a seat.
My colleague, who has
a similar office
Has explained
your case to me.
Mr. notlob, as you know
I am a leading
harley street surgeon...
As seen on television.
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to operate.
It's nothing
to worry about--
Although it is
extremely dangerous.
I shall be juggling
with your life.
I shall be playing
ducks and drakes
With your very existence.
I shall be running me mitts
over the pith of your marrow--
Yes, these hands
These fingers
These sophisticated organs of
touch, these bunches of five
These maulers,
these german bands
That have pulled many
a moribund unfortunate
Back from the very
brink of lazarus's box.
No, it was pandora's box,
wasn't it?
Well, anyway, these mitts
have earned yours truly
A lot of bread, so if you'll
just step through here
I'll slit you
up a treat.
What?
Mr. notlob, there's
nothing wrong with you
That an expensive
operation can't prolong.
Right, I'm ready
to make the incision.
Knife, please, sister.
What's that supposed to be?
Give me a big one.
Oh, I do en joy this!
Right.
Oh, what a great slit!
Now, gentlemen, I am
going to open the slit.
...all day
Too much, man!
Groovy,
great scene.
Great light
show, baby.
What are you
doing in there?
We're doing our
own thing, man.
Have you got mr.
notlob's permission
To be in there?
We're squatters,
baby.
Nurse, wake
him up.
Don't get
uptight, man.
Join the scene
and other phrases.
Money isn't real.
It is where
I'm standing
And it blows my
mind, young lad.
Good lord! is that
a nude woman?
She's doing an
article on us
For nova, man.
Hi, everyone.
Are you part
of the scene?
Are you rolling your
own jelly babies in there?
What's going on?
who are they?
That's what we're
trying to find out.
What are they doing
in my stomach?
We don't know--
are they paying you any rent?
Course they're not
paying me rent!
You're not
furnished,
you fascist.
Get them out!
I can't.
Get them out!
No, I can't--
Not, not without
a court order.
Shut up, you're
keeping us awake.
You are hereby
ordered
To vacate mr. notlob
forthwith and/or.
Push off,
fuzz!
Right-- that's it,
we're going in!
Release the
vicious dogs.
What a terrible way
to end a series.
Why couldn't it end with
something like this?
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
Now, there's an ending for
you-- romance, laughter...
When this series returns
It will be put out on
monday morning as a test card
And will be described
by the radio times
As a history
of irish agriculture.
There will now be
a short intermission.
Monty python's flying circus.
There will now be
a medium-sized intermission.
Not bad for a starter
But now perhaps something
a little more savory.
Ooh, I don't like this,
ooh, I don't like that.
Oh, I don't think
much to all this.
Oh, fancy using
that wallpaper.
Fancy using mustard.
Ooh, is that a proper one?
ooh, it's not real.
I don't think
it's a proper restaurant
Unless they give
you finger bowls.
Ooh, I don't like him.
I'm going to have
a baby in a few years.
Uh, please excuse
my wife.
She may appear
to be rather nasty
But underneath she has
a heart of formica.
Sorry about that.
That's all right, sir, we get
all sorts of lines in here.
The headwaiter will be along
to abuse you in a few moments
And now,
if you'll excuse me
I have to go
and commit suicide.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's all right.
It's not because
of anything serious.
Oh, good.
Quite frankly, I'm against
people who commit suicide.
I don't like
that sort of person at all.
I'm plain people
and I'm proud of it.
My mother's the salt
of the earth
And I don't take
the pill 'cause
it's nasty.
Please excuse my wife
She may not be
very beautiful
And she may
have no money
And she may be
a little talentless
Boring and dull,
but on the other hand...
Sorry, I can't
think of anything.
Fine... I'm the headwaiter.
This is a vegetarian
restaurant only.
We serve no animal
flesh of any kind.
We're not only
proud of that
We're smug about it.
So, if you were to come in here
Asking me to rip open
a small, defenseless chicken
So you could chew its skin
and eat its intestines
I'm afraid I would
have to ask you to leave.
No, no, no, no.
Likewise if you were to ask me
To slice the sides off a cow
And serve it
with small pieces of its liver
Or, indeed, drain
the lifeblood from a pig
Before cutting off
one of its legs
Or carve the
living giblets
From a sheep
and serve them
With the fresh
brains, bowels
Guts and spleen
of a small rabbit
We wouldn't do it!
Not for food, anyway.
Quite frankly,
I'm against people
Who give vent
to their loquacity
By extraneous
bombastic
circumlocution.
Oh, I don't
like that.
Sometimes, shirley,
I think you're almost human.
Do you know I still wet my bed.
Once, I married someone
who was beautiful
And young
and gay and free.
Whatever happened to her?
You divorced her
and married me.
I met my second wife
At a second-wife-
swapping party.
Trust me to arrive late.
Always were late,
weren't you, thompson?
Hello, headmaster.
What are you doing here?
Fine, fine, fine,
thank you.
Fine, thank you.
No more sherry for me,
don't you know.
Warner house beat
badger house
For the second
cuppa, remarkable.
We had to put most
of the second form
to sleep.
No padre-- bad business.
They were beginning
to play with themselves.
Still... you haven't
seen my wife anywhere,
have you?
No.
oh, thank
Oh, I don't
like him.
Do you know what I mean?
do you know what I mean?
I mean, do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean?
do you know what I mean?
I mean, do you
know what I mean?
All men are
the same.
Imagine not
that these four walls
Contain the mighty owl
of thebes
For, gentles all,
beauty sits most closely
To them it can construe.
No, it
doesn't.
Sorry.
Fine... would you care
for a glass of blood?
Oh, what a giveaway.
No, we'd like to see
the menu please.
I don't think
it's a proper restaurant
Unless you have
a proper menu
And anyway, i
might be pregnant.
Perhaps you'd care
for a drink?
Ever since you've
married me, douglas
You've treated me
Like an
albatross.
Evening.
Good evening.
I hope you're going
To en joy me this evening.
I'm the special.
Try me with some rice.
I beg your
pardon?
A hopkins au gratin
a la chef.
Ah, how do you?
Don't play
with your food.
I don't like that.
There's dust on here.
I don't think
it's a proper meal
Without pudding.
My husband's
an architect.
Oh, one word of warning,
sir, a little tip.
Don't have any
of the vicar over there.
He's been here two weeks
And nobody's touched him--
enough said?
Yes, thank you.
Well, I must get on
or I'll spoil.
Janet, to the kitchen.
There's a dead bishop
in the lobby, sir.
I don't know who keeps
bringing them in here.
Oh, I don't
like that.
I think it's silly.
It's not
a proper sketch
Without a proper
punch line.
I mean, I don't know much
about anything, I'm stupid.
I'm muggins,
nobody cares what I think.
I'm always
the one that has
to do everything.
Nobody cares about me.
I'll have
bloody babies
And they can bloody
well care about me.
It makes you sick,
half this television.
They never
stop talking.
He'll be
the ruination
of her.
Rhythm method!
There will now be
a whopping great intermission
During which small ice creams in
very large boxes will be sold.
Another way we can drive
people away from the cinema
Is by showing you
advertisements.
Do you like this?
Or how about this?
Or perhaps you prefer
this latest model?
Then why not come to us?
We supply
only the very best models.
After the show, why not visit
the la gondola restaurant--
Just two minutes
from this performance.
The manager, mr. luigi vercotti,
will be pleased
To welcome you and introduce you
To a wide variety
of famous sicilian delicacies.
Here you can relax in comfort
in friendly surroundings.
Or if you wish, you may drink
and dance till midnight.
At the la gondola restaurant
You can sample all the spicy
pleasures of the mediterranean.
The headwaiter will be pleased
to show you his specialities.
Or why not ask the cook
for something really hot?
Yes, for an evening
you'll never forget
It's the la gondola restaurant
Chelsea, parkhurst, dartmoor
and the scrubs.
Albatross!
Albatross!
Albatross?
Two choc ices,
please.
I haven't got
choc ices.
I've only got
the albatross.
Albatross!
What flavor is it?
It's a bird, isn't it?
It's a bloody seabird.
It's not
any bloody flavor.
Albatross!
Do you get
wafers with it?
Of course you don't
Get bloody wafers
with it!
Albatross!
How much is it?
Nine pence.
I'll have two please.
Gannet on a stick.
There will now be
a very short...
Well, that's
quite enough of that.
And now a policeman
near rottingdeans.
Albatross!
Inspector,
inspector.
Mm-hmm.
I'm terribly sorry
But I was sitting
on a park bench
over there
Took my coat off
for a minute
And then I found my
wallet had been stolen
And ?15 taken from it.
Well, did you, uh
Did you see
anyone take it
Anyone hanging
around or...
No, no, there was
no one there at all.
That's the trouble.
Well, there's
not very much
We can do
about that, sir.
Oh.
Do you want to come
back to my place?
Yeah, all right.
Albatross.
Mr. burtenshaw?
Me, doctor?
No, me doctor,
you mr. burtenshaw.
My wife, doctor?
No, your wife
patient--
Me doctor.
Come this way, please.
Me, sister?
No, she sister,
me doctor
You mr. burtenshaw.
Dr. walters?
Me nurse.
You mr. burtenshaw.
She sister,
you doctor.
No, doctor.
No doctor,
call ambulance,
keep warm.
Drink, doctor?
Drink doctor,
eat sister
Cook mr. burtenshaw,
nurse me.
You, doctor?
Me doctor.
You mr. burtenshaw.
She nurse.
But my wife,
nurse.
Your wife not nurse.
She nurse,
your wife patient.
Be patient, she
nurse your wife.
Me doctor,
yew tree.
Utrecht, utrillo
U thant, euphemism.
Me doctor.
Albatross!
I'd like to meet someone
Of superior intelligence.
I'd like to hear the sound
Of two bricks
being bashed together.
I'd like to see
John the baptist's impersonation
of graham hill.
Yes, it's
historical impersonations
When you in the present can make
Those in the past
stars of the future.
And here is your host
for tonight, wally wiggin.
Hello, good evening, and welcome
to historical impersonations.
And we kick off tonight
with cardinal richelieu
And his impersonation
of petula clark.
Oh, don't sleep
in the subway, darling
Don't stand
in the pouring rain...
Cardinal richelieu--
sixteen stone of pure man.
And now your favorite
roman emperor, julius caesar
As eddie waring.
tota gallia divisa est
in tres partes
Wigan, hunslett
and hull kingston rovers.
Well done indeed,
julius caesar--
A smile, a conquest
and a dagger up your strap.
Our next challenger comes
all the way from the crimea.
It's the very lovely florence
nightingale as brian london.
And now for our most
ambitious attempt tonight.
All the way from moscow in the
u.s.s. of r., ivan the terrible
As a sales assistant
in freeman, hardy and willis.
And now w.g. grace
as a music box.
And now it's france's turn.
One of their top statesmen,
napoleon, as the r-101 disaster.
And now it's request time.
I would like to see
John the baptist's impersonation
of graham hill.
And now a short intermission
During which marcel marceau
will impersonate
A man walking against the wind.
And now marcel will mime a man
Being struck about the head
by a 16-ton weight.
What's your name?
Eric.
Would you like to have
a 16-ton weight
Dropped on top
of you, eric?
Don't know.
How about you?
I want
to have...
What do you
want to have?
I want
to have...
What?
I want to have
racquel welch...
Dropped on
top of me.
Dropped on
top of you?
Oh, yes, not
climbing.
She's got
a big bottom.
And what's your name?
Trevor atkinson.
And how old
are you, trevor?
I'm 42.
Are you a friend
of trevor's?
Yes, we're
all colleagues
From the empire and
general insurance
company.
And what
do you do?
Well, I deal
mainly
With mortgage-
protection policies
But I also do certain
types of life assurance.
Now, if you and
your pal had one
big wish, trevor
What would you like
to see on television?
I'd like to see more fairy
stories about the police.
And so
you shall.
Yes, we in the special crimes
squad have been using wands
For almost a year now.
You find it's easy to make
yourself invisible.
You can defy time and space
And you can turn violent
criminals into frogs
Something which you could never
do with the old truncheons.
Yes, tonight probearound
takes a look at crime.
I'm sorry about that
But i always introduce
this program, not him.
Yes, tonight probearound
takes a look at crime.
Is it true that the police
are using dachshunds
To combat the crime wave?
Can the head of the vice squad
turn himself into an albatross
Whenever he wants to?
Just what are the police up to?
Oh, I'm up to page 39
Where peter pan first
manifests himself.
With me now is inspector
harry h. "snapper" organs
Of "h" division.
Good evening.
Inspector, I believe
you are encouraging magic
In the police force.
That is correct.
The criminal mind's
A strange, contorted
one-- good evening.
The mind is subject to
severe mental stresses--
Good evening.
Guilt fears abound--
good evening--
In the subconscious.
In this state,
one of our lads
With a fair training
in the black arts
Can scare the
fertilizer out of them.
Just how are the police
combating the increase
With the use of the occult?
Ex-king zog of albania reports.
Well, we seem to have
lost ex-king zog there
But who cares?
Just what kinds of magic
are the police introducing
Into their crime-prevention
techniques?
U-p...
Y...
O...
U...
R...
S.
"up yours"!?
What a rude
ouija board!
Now, this is the kind of thing
That gives the police
a bad name, sergeant.
I know, sir.
Yes, beryl?
Attila the hun to see you, sir.
Who?
Attila the hun, sir.
Oh, botherkins!
Constable, go and see
to him, will you?
What? in this dress?
Oh, all right,
I'll go.
Oh, I've got a
little green pinny
I could wear.
No, no,
no, I'll go.
You stay here.
Oh, goody! I can get
on with the ironing.
Right... where is he?
Over there, sir.
All right, sergeant,
leave this to me.
Now, then, sir, you
are attila the hun.
That's right, yes, a.t. hun.
My parents were
mr. and mrs. norman hun
But they had a little
joke when I was born.
Yes... well,
mr. hun...
Oh, call me "the,"
for heaven's sake!
Oh... well, the,
what do you want
to see us about?
I've come to
give myself up.
What for?
Looting, pillaging
and sacking a major city.
I beg your
pardon?
Looting, pillaging,
sacking a major city
And I'd like 9,000 other charges
To be taken into
consideration, please.
I say, excuse
me, mr. hun.
Have you any objection
to taking a breath test?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Right-- sergeant, will you
bring the analyzer, please?
Here we
are, sir.
How's it work?
Well, if
he breathes
into it, sir
And the white
crystals turn
lime green
Then he is
attila the
hun, sir.
I see-- well, would
you mind breathing
Into this,
mr. hun?
Right.
What if nothing
happens, sergeant?
He's alexander
the great, sir!
Aha! caught you,
mr. a.t. great!
Oh, curses, curses!
I thought I was safe,
disguised as attila the hun.
O-ho, perhaps so, but you
made one fatal mistake.
You see, this wasn't
a hunalyzer.
It was an alexander-
the-greatalyzer.
Take him away, beryl!
"dear sir, I object very
strongly to that last scene
And to the next letter."
"dear sir, I object
to being objected to
"by the last letter
"before my drift has
become apparent.
"I spent many years in india
during the last war
"and am now a part-time
notice board
"in a prominent public school.
"yours etc.,
brigadier zoe la rue (deceased).
P.s. aghhh!"
"dear sir, when I was at school
"I was beaten regularly
every 30 minutes
"and it never did me any harm--
"except for psychological
maladjustment
"and blurred vision.
Yours truly, flight lieutenant
ken frankenstein (mrs.)."
Huh?
I want to see the doctor.
Dr. larch, there's
a mr. phelps to see you.
Uh, nurse?
Yes?
You don't think you
should make it clear
That I'm a psychiatrist?
What?
Well, I could be
any type of doctor.
Well, I can't come in and
say "psychiatrist larch"
Or "dr. larch, who
is a psychiatrist."
Oh, anyway, look, it's
written on the door.
That's outside.
Well, I don't care.
You'll just have
to do it yourself.
Hello?
No, wrong number, I'm afraid.
This is a psychiatrist speaking.
Next, please.
Come in.
Bow wow wow.
Ah, mr. phelps--
come on in,
take a seat.
Now, what seems
to be the matter?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry?
Oh, can't you do
better than that?
I mean, it's
so predictable.
I've seen it
a million times.
Knock, knock, knock;
"come in;
Ah, mr. phelps,
take a seat."
I've seen it
and seen it.
Well, look, will you
please sit down
And do your
first line?
No, no, I've
had enough.
I've had enough.
I can't even get it started.
Albatross!
Shut up!
Oh, it drives me mad.
A mad psychiatrist,
that'd be new-- huh!
Next, please.
C... oh.
Cross the threshold,
arrive, ingress
Gain admittance, infiltrate.
Ah, mr. notlob,
uh, park your hips
On the sitting device.
It is a mad
psychiatrist.
I'm not, I'm not!
Come on in,
take a seat.
What's... what's
the matter?
Now, what's the matter?
Well, I keep
hearing
Guitars playing
and people singing
When there's no one around.
Yes, well,
this is not at
all uncommon.
In certain mental
states we find
That auditory
hallucinations occur
Which are
of a most...
We can stay all day
We're going to the zoo...
Is that "we're
all going to the
zoo tomorrow"?
Yes, yes.
Is it always that?
No.
Well, that's
something.
But it's mainly folk songs.
Last night I had
"we'll never fall in love
again"-- for six hours!
Well, look, I think I'd better
have a second opinion on this.
I want you to see
a colleague of mine
A specialist in these
sort of things
Who has an office very
much like this one
As a matter
of fact.
Ooh...
Um, no, no, wrong number.
I'm a colleague of his--
A surgeon who specializes
in these kind of things.
Yes, thank you very much.
Next, please.
Come in.
Ah, come in,
please take a seat.
My colleague, who has
a similar office
Has explained
your case to me.
Mr. notlob, as you know
I am a leading
harley street surgeon...
As seen on television.
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to operate.
It's nothing
to worry about--
Although it is
extremely dangerous.
I shall be juggling
with your life.
I shall be playing
ducks and drakes
With your very existence.
I shall be running me mitts
over the pith of your marrow--
Yes, these hands
These fingers
These sophisticated organs of
touch, these bunches of five
These maulers,
these german bands
That have pulled many
a moribund unfortunate
Back from the very
brink of lazarus's box.
No, it was pandora's box,
wasn't it?
Well, anyway, these mitts
have earned yours truly
A lot of bread, so if you'll
just step through here
I'll slit you
up a treat.
What?
Mr. notlob, there's
nothing wrong with you
That an expensive
operation can't prolong.
Right, I'm ready
to make the incision.
Knife, please, sister.
What's that supposed to be?
Give me a big one.
Oh, I do en joy this!
Right.
Oh, what a great slit!
Now, gentlemen, I am
going to open the slit.
...all day
Too much, man!
Groovy,
great scene.
Great light
show, baby.
What are you
doing in there?
We're doing our
own thing, man.
Have you got mr.
notlob's permission
To be in there?
We're squatters,
baby.
Nurse, wake
him up.
Don't get
uptight, man.
Join the scene
and other phrases.
Money isn't real.
It is where
I'm standing
And it blows my
mind, young lad.
Good lord! is that
a nude woman?
She's doing an
article on us
For nova, man.
Hi, everyone.
Are you part
of the scene?
Are you rolling your
own jelly babies in there?
What's going on?
who are they?
That's what we're
trying to find out.
What are they doing
in my stomach?
We don't know--
are they paying you any rent?
Course they're not
paying me rent!
You're not
furnished,
you fascist.
Get them out!
I can't.
Get them out!
No, I can't--
Not, not without
a court order.
Shut up, you're
keeping us awake.
You are hereby
ordered
To vacate mr. notlob
forthwith and/or.
Push off,
fuzz!
Right-- that's it,
we're going in!
Release the
vicious dogs.
What a terrible way
to end a series.
Why couldn't it end with
something like this?
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.
Now, there's an ending for
you-- romance, laughter...
When this series returns
It will be put out on
monday morning as a test card
And will be described
by the radio times
As a history
of irish agriculture.