Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra Goes to the Bathroom - full transcript

It's... ah!

Monty python's flying circus.

Have you finished
in there yet?

"dear sir, I object strongly

"to the obvious lavatorial turn
this show has already taken.

"why do we never hear about
the good things in britain

"like mary bignall's
wonderful jump in 1964?

Yours etc., ken voyeur."

"dear sir, I object strongly

"to the obvious athletic turn
this show has now taken.

"why can't we hear more
about the human body?



"there is nothing embarrassing
or nasty about the human body

Except for the intestines
and bits of the bottom."

"dear sir, I object strongly
to the letters on your program.

"they are clearly not written
by the general public

"and are merely included
for a cheap laugh.

Yours etc., william knickers."

That was absolutely revolting.

Nasty. disgusting. rubbish.

I, too, take strong exception

To this resurgence
of cheap jokes about poo-poos.

Mr. voyeur's letter stated
very... oh... um... excuse me.

As I was saying, the letter
previously read made quite clear

The view of a great majority...

1348... the black death,
typhus, cholera



Consumption, bubonic plague...

Ah, those were the days.

Now, I'm not... I'm...

Now, I'm not prepared
to go on with this

Unless these interruptions
cease-- all right?

Right.

The devastating effect

Of these...

No, don't follow me,
and don't zoom in on me.

No, I'm off, I'm off.

That's it, that's all.

I'm off.

Are you nervy, irritable,
depressed, tired of life?

Keep it up.

This house
is surrounded.

I'm afraid I must
not ask anyone

To leave the room.

No, I must ask nobody...

No, I must ask everybody...

To... I must
not ask

Anyone to leave...

No one must be asked
by me to leave room...

No, no one must ask
the room to leave i.

I ask the room, shall
my someone be left?

Not... ask
nobody the room

Somebody leave shall i?

Shall I leave the room?

Everyone must leave
the room as it is...

With them in it.

Understand?

You don't want anybody
to leave the room.

Now, alduce me
to introlow myself.

I'm sorry... alself me
to myduce introlow...

Introme to-lose mylow.

Alme to you introself my...

Excuse me a moment.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm afraid I must ask
that no one leave the room.

Allow me to introduce myself:
I'm inspector tiger.

Tiger?

Where, where?!

Me tiger...

You jane.

Beg your pardon.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm afraid I must ask
that no one leave the room.

Why not?

Elementary.

Since the body was
found in this room

And no one has left it

Therefore the murderer
must be somebody

In this room.

What body?!

Somebody...

In this room must
the murderer be.

The murderer
of the body

Is somebody
in this room

Which nobody
must leave.

Leave the body in the room
not to be left by anybody.

Nobody leaves anybody
or the body with somebody.

Anybody who is anybody shall
leave the body in the room-body.

Take the tablets, tiger.

Anybody with a body but
not the body is nobody.

Nobody leaves the body in the...

Albody me introbody al...

Now for sir gerald.

That's better.

Now, I'm inspector tiger

And I must ask that
nobody leave the room.

Now, someone has
committed a murder here

And that murderer is
someone in this room.

The question is... who?

Look, there hasn't
been a murder.

No murder?

No.

Oh.

I don't like it.

It's too simple

Too clear-cut.

I'd better wait.

No, too simple,
too clear-cut.

By jove

He was right!

This house is surrounded.

I must ask that no one
leave the room.

I'm chief
superintendent
lookout.

Lookout?

What? where?

Oh, me... lookout.

Lookout of the yard.

Why? what would we see?

Sorry?

Well, what will we see
if we look out of the yard?

I'm afraid I don't
follow that at all.

Aha! the body.

So, the murderer must be
somebody in this room...

Unless he had
very long arms...

Say 30 or
40 feet.

I think we
can discount
that one.

"look out of the yard"!

Very good.

Right... now we'll
reconstruct the crime.

I'll sit down
here.

Constable,
you turn off
the lights.

Good.

Now, then...

There was
a scream...

Then just before the lights
went up, there was a shot.

All right, all right.

The house is surrounded

And nobody
leave the room

And all
the rest of it.

Allow me to
introduce myself.

I'm assistant
chief constable
theresamanbehindyer.

Theresamanbehindyer?

Oh, you're not
going to catch me

With an old
one like that.

Right... let's
reconstruct the crime.

Constable, you be
inspector tiger.

Right, sir.

Nobody leave
the room I shall.

Somebody I leave nobody
in the room-body

Shall... take the tablets,
tiger buddy.

Alself me...

Very good... just
sit down there.

Very good, thank you.

Right.

Now, we'll pretend

The lights
have gone out.

Constable,
you scream.

Somebody shoots you.

And the door opens.

Nobody move.

I am chief constable fire.

Fire?

Where, where?

We're interrupting this sketch

But we'll be bringing you back

The moment anything
interesting happens.

Meanwhile, here are
some friends of mine.

"dear sir.

"I'm sorry this letter is late.

"it should have come at
the beginning of the program.

Yours, ivor bigbottie,
age two."

From the plastic arts,
we turn to football.

Last night in
the stadium of light, jarrow

We witnessed the resuscitation
of a great footballing tradition

When jarrow united came of age,
in a european sense

With an almost proustian display

Of modern
existentialist football

Virtually annihilating
by midfield moral argument

The now surely obsolescent
catennachio defensive philosophy

Of signor alberto fanfrino.

Bologna indeed were a side
intellectually out-argued

By a jarrow team
thrusting and bursting

With aggressive
kantian positivism

And outstanding
in this fine jarrow team

Was my man of the match

The arch-thinker,
free-scheming

Scarcely-ever-to-be-curbed
midfield cognoscento

Jimmy buzzard.

Good evening, brian.

Jimmy, at least one aging
football commentator

Was gladdened last night by the
sight of an english footballer

Breaking free
of the limpid tentacles

Of packed mediterranean defense.

Good evening, brian.

Were you surprised

At the way the italians
ceded midfield dominance

So early on
in the game?

Well, brian...

I'm opening a boutique.

This is of course symptomatic
of a new breed of footballer

As it is indeed symptomatic
of your whole genre of player

Is it not?

Good evening, brian.

What I'm getting at, jimmy

Is you seem to have
discovered a new concept

With the mode with which you
dissected the italian defense

Last night.

I hit the ball first time

And there it was
in the back of the net.

Do you think
jarrow will adopt

A more defensive posture

For the first leg of
the next tie in turkey?

I hit the ball
first time

And there it was in
the back of the net.

Yes, yes, but
have you any plans

For dealing with the
free-scoring turkish forwards?

Well, brian...

I'm opening a boutique.

And now let's take a look

At the state of play
in the detective sketch.

Ourself me
to introlow my body.

Cheeky.

Oh, temper, temper.

Well, some of us
don't like

Having men crawling
over us the whole time.

You need to take

All the opportunities
you can get, dear.

Unlike some people
I can mention

I'm quite happily
married, thank you.

Yes, athena, I've been
tearing up in the garden.

Hello, good evening, and welcome

To yet another edition
of "interesting people."

And my first interesting
person tonight is

The highly interesting
mr. howard stools

From kendal in westmoreland.

Good evening, mr. stools.

Hello, david.

Mr. stools, what makes you

Particularly interesting?

Well, I'm only
half an inch long.

Well, that's
extremely interesting.

Thank you for coming along on
the show tonight, mr. stools.

I thought you'd think that was
interesting, david, in fact...

Mr. howard stools from kendal in
westmoreland, half an inch long.

Our next guest tonight has
come all the way from egypt.

He's just flown
into london today.

He's mr. ali bayan-- he's
with us in the studio tonight

And he's stark raving mad.

Mr. ali bayan, stark raving mad.

Now it's time for our music spot

And we turn
the spotlight tonight

On the rachel toovey
bicycle choir...

With their fantastic arrangement
of "men of harlech"

For bicycle bells only.

Keep, my babe,
no ill betide thee

All through the night.

The rachel toovey bicycle choir.

Really interesting.

Remember, if you're interesting

And want to appear
on this program

Write your name and address
on your telephone number

And send it to this address.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now here's
an interesting person.

Apart from being
a full-time stapling machine

He can also give
a cat influenza.

You can't get more interesting
than that, or can you?

With me now... with me now

Is mr. thomas walters
of west hartlepool

Who is totally invisible.

Good evening, mr. walters.

Over here, hughie.

Mr. walters, are you
sure you're invisible?

Oh, yes, most certainly.

Well, mr. walters, what's
it like being invisible?

Well, for a start,
at the office where I work

I can be sitting
at my desk all day

And the others
totally ignore me.

At home, even though
we are in the same room

My wife does not
speak to me for hours.

People pass me by in the street
without a glance in my direction

And I can walk

Into a room
without...

Well, whilst we've got
interesting people

We met mr. oliver
cavendish who...

Even now you yourself
do hardly notice me...

Mr. oliver cavendish
of leicester

Who claims to be able to recite
the entire bible in one second

Whilst being struck
on the head with a large ax.

Ha, ha, wow!

We've since discovered
that he was a fraud.

He did not... yes, a fraud.

He did not in fact recite
the entire bible.

He merely recited
the first two words, "in the"

Before his death.

And now it's time
for "interesting sport"

And this week
it's all-in cricket

Live from the
municipal baths, croydon.

All-in cricket, great, great!

With me now is mr. ken dove

Twice voted most
interesting man in dorking.

Ken, I believe you're
interested in shouting.

Yes, I'm interested
in shouting, all right.

By jove, you certainly
hit the nail on the head

With that particular
observation of yours then.

What does your wife
think of this?

I agree with him!

Shut up!

At parties, for instance

People never come up to me.

I just sit there and
everybody totally...

Now, that is tiddles, I believe.

Um, yes, this is...
this is tiddles.

Yeah, and what does she do?

She flies across the studio
and lands in a bucket of water.

By herself?

Uh, no, I fling her.

Well, that's
extremely interesting.

Ladies and gentlemen,
mr. don savage and tiddles.

I'm more interesting
than a wet pussycat.

...for hour after
hour after hour...

Yes, great.

Well, now for
the first time on television

"interesting people" brings you

A man who claims he can send
bricks to sleep by hypnosis.

Mr. keith maniac
from guatemala.

Good evening.

Keith, you claim you
can send bricks to sleep.

Yes, that is
correct, I can.

Entirely by hypnosis.

Yes, I use no artificial
means whatsoever.

Oh, oh, oh!

You've in jured
mr. stools!

Well, I simply

Stare at the brick,
and it goes to sleep.

Well, we have
a brick here.

Keith, perhaps you could
send it to sleep for us.

Oh, uh... well, I'm afraid
that is already asleep.

Ha! how do you know?

Well, it's not moving.

Oh, I see.

Have we got
a moving brick?

Yes, we've got

A moving brick, keith.

It's coming over now.

There we are,
fast asleep.

Very good,
very good indeed.

Yes, it's all done

With the eyes.

Yes, mr. keith maniac
from guatemala.

Mr. stools!

Speak to me, howard!

And now four tired undertakers.

We're interrupting this

To take you back very quickly
to the jimmy buzzard interview

Where we understand something
exciting's just happened.

I've fallen off
my chair, brian.

Shh! I think my wife's
beginning to suspect.

You, shut up
up there!

What do you mean,
"shut up up there"?

You shut up.

Oh, shut up!

I apologize for that.

I think you'll find this
a bit more interesting.

Good evening.

Tonight I want to examine

The whole question of 18th-
century social legislation...

Its relevance

To the hierarchical structure
of post-renaissance society...

And its impact on the future
of parochial organization

In an expanding
agrarian economy.

But first, a bit of fun.

To put england's
social legislation

In a european context

Is professor gert van der whoops

Of the rijksmuseum
in the hague.

In holland in the early
part of the 15th century

There was three things important
to social legislation.

One, rise of merchant classes

Two, urbanization
of craft guilds

Three, declining moral values

In age of increasing
social betterment.

But first, a bit of fun.

Ding, dong, merrily on high

In heav'n
the bells are ringing.

Oh!

And now professor r.j. canning.

Glo-o-or...

The cat sat on the mat.

And now the battle of trafalgar.

Tonight we examine popular views
of this great battle.

Was the battle
of trafalgar fought

In the atlantic
off southern spain

Or was it fought on dry land
near cudworth in yorkshire?

Here is one man
who thinks it was

And here is his friend.

What makes you think

The battle of trafalgar
was fought near cudworth?

Because drake was too clever
for the german fleet.

I beg your pardon?

I've forgotten what I said now.

Mr. gumby's remarkable views
have sparked off

A wave of controversy
amongst his fellow historians.

Well, I think we should, uh...

Reappraise our concept
of the battle of trafalgar.

Well, well, I agree with
everything mr. gumby says.

Well, uh, I think, uh,
cement is more interesting

Uh, than people think.

One subject--
four different views.

12 and six in a plain wrapper.

The stuff of history
is indeed woven in the woof.

Pearl harbor.

There are pages
in history's book

Which are written
on the grand scale--

Events so momentous that
they dwarf man and time alike.

And such is the battle
of pearl harbor

Reenacted for us now

By the women of the batley
townswomen's guild.

Mrs. rita fairbanks,
you organized

This reconstruction of
the battle of pearl harbor.

Why?

Uh, well, always been extremely
interested in modern drama.

We were, of course, the first
townswomen's guild to perform

"camp on blood island,"
and last year, of course

We did our extremely
popular reenactment

Of "nazi war atrocities."

And so, this year

We thought we'd like to do
something in a lighter vein.

So you chose
the battle of
pearl harbor?

Yes, that's right, we did.

Well, I can see
you're all
ready to go

So I'll just wish
you good luck

In your
latest venture.

Thank you very much, young man.

Ladies and
gentlemen

"the world of history"
is proud to present

The premiere
of the batley
townswomen's guild

Reenactment of "the
battle of pearl harbor."

The battle of pearl harbor.

Incidentally, I'm sorry
if I got a little bit shirty

Earlier on in the program,
when I kept getting interrupted

By all these films and things
that kept coming in, but i...

"we shall..."

"heretofore shall this soul
be received unto..."

And so I said
if it happened again

I'd get very angry
and talk to lord hill, and...

Tell lord hill.

Whoa!