Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 10 - Untitled - full transcript
Sketches include: Bank Robber in Lingerie Shop, It's a Tree, Ron Obvious, Pet Conversations, Gorilla Librarian, Strangers in the Night
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Well, where is he?
Hmm... hmm.
Well, what is it, dear?
It's from the bbc.
They want to know if I want
to be in a sketch on telly.
Ooh, that's nice.
Why, it's acting,
isn't it?
Yes.
Well, I'm a plumber.
I can't act.
Oh, you never know
till you try.
Look at mrs. brando's
son next door.
He was mending the fridge
when they came
And asked him to be
the wild one.
What do they
want you to do?
Well, they just want me
to stand at a counter
And when the sketch starts,
I'll go out.
Oh, that sounds nice.
That's what they call a walk-on.
Walk-on?
That's a walk-off,
that's what this is.
Where is he, georgie?
He should have been
here hours ago.
He bloody should have been.
What else did it say?
It just says
"we would like you
to be in a sketch.
"you are standing
at a counter.
"when the sketch
starts, you go off.
Yours faithfully,
lord hill."
Oh, well, you better
be off, then.
Well, what about the cat?
Oh, I'll look
after the cat.
Goodness me,
mrs. newman's oldest
Never worried
about the cat
When he went off to do
the sweet bird of youth.
All right, then,
all right.
Bye-bye, dear.
Bye-bye, and mind you,
don't get seduced.
It'll make a change
from plumbing.
Dad, frank's got
a television part.
You missed him.
Good morning.
I'm a bank robber.
Uh, please don't panic.
Just hand over
all your money.
This is a lingerie shop, sir.
Fine, fine.
Fine.
Adopt, adapt and improve.
Motto of the round table.
Well, um...
What have you got?
Uh, we've got corsets,
stockings, suspender belts
Tights, bras, slips, petticoats
Knickers, socks
and garters, sir.
Fine, fine.
Fine, fine.
Um... no large piles of money
in safes?
No, sir.
No deposit accounts?
No, sir.
No piles of cash
in easy-to-carry bags?
None at all, sir.
No luncheon vouchers?
No, sir.
Fine, fine.
Well, um...
Adopt, adapt and improve.
Just a pair of
knickers then, please.
Well, that was a bit of fun,
wasn't it?
And a special good evening
to you.
Not just
an ordinary good evening
Like you get from
all the other announcers
But a special good evening
from me...
To you.
Well, what have we got next?
This is fun, isn't it?
Look, I'm sorry if
I'm interrupting anything
That any of you
may be doing at home
But I want you to think of me
as an old queen...
Friend.
Well, let's see
what we've got next.
In a few moments, it's a tree
And in the chair as usual
is arthur tree
And starring in the show
Will be a host of star guests
as his star guests.
And then at 9:30, we've got
another rollicking half hour
Of laughter-packed squalor
With yes, it's
the sewage farm attendants.
And this week, dan falls
into a vat of human dung
With hilarious consequences.
But now it's the glittering
world of show business
With arthur tree.
Hello, hello, people,
and welcome to it's a tree.
We have some really exciting
guests for you this evening--
A fabulous spruce
back from a tour of holland;
Three gum trees
Making their first appearance
in this country;
Scots pine and the conifers;
and elm tree bole--
There you go, can't be bad--
An exciting new american plank;
A rain forest
and a bucket of sawdust
Giving their views
on teenage violence;
And an unusual guest
for this program--
A piece of laminated plastic.
Hi there.
But first, will you
please, please welcome
A block of wood.
Well, block, nice to have you
on the show again.
Well, uh, thanks, tree.
I got to pay the rent.
Super.
Well, what have you
been doing, block?
Well, I've just been starring
In several major multimillion-
dollar international films
And during breaks on the set,
I've been designing a cathedral
Doing wonderful unpublicized
work for charity
Uh, finishing my history
of the world, of course
Pulling the birds...
Oh!
Uh, photographing royalty
on the loo
Averting world war iii--
can't be bad-- and, uh...
Learning to read.
The full renaissance bit,
really.
Super, super.
Well, I've got to stop you
there, block, I'm afraid
Because we've got someone
Who's been doing cabaret
in the new forest.
From america,
will you welcome, please
A chippendale writing desk.
Thank you, mr. tree.
I'd now like to do
a few impersonations
Of some of
my favorite englishmen.
First off, long john sliver.
Arg, jim boy, arg, arg.
And now, edward heath.
Hello, sailor.
Now, a short scene from a play
by harold splinter.
Wasn't that just great,
ladies and gentlemen?
But wait a minute.
We've got something else I just
know you're going to love.
Yes, sir, coming right up
The vocational
guidance counselor sketch.
Vocational guidance
counselor
Vocational
guidance counselor
Vocational guidance
counselor
Vocational guidance
counselor.
Ah, mr. anchovy.
Do sit down.
Thank you.
Take the weight
off the feet, eh?
Yes, yes.
Lovely weather
For the time of year,
I must say.
Enough of this gay banter.
And now, mr. anchovy
You asked us
to advise you
Which job in life
You were
best suited for.
That is correct, yes.
Well, I now have the results
here of the interviews
And the aptitude tests
that you took last week
And from them, we've built up
a pretty clear picture
Of the sort of person
that you are
And I think I can say
without fear of contradiction
That the ideal job for you
is chartered accountancy.
But I am a chartered accountant.
Jolly good.
Well, back to the
office with you, then.
No, no, no,
you don't understand.
I've been a chartered accountant
for the last 20 years.
I want a new job-- something
exciting that will let me live.
Well, chartered accountancy's
rather exciting, isn't it?
Exciting?!
No, it's not!
It's dull, dull, dull.
My god, it's dull.
It's so desperately
dull and tedious
And stuffy and boring
and desperately dull.
Well, uh, yes,
mr. anchovy
But you see, your
report here says
That you are an
extremely dull person.
You see, our experts
describe you
As an appallingly dull fellow
Unimaginative, timid,
lacking in initiative
Spineless,
easily dominated
No sense of humor,
tedious company
And irrepressibly drab
and awful.
And whereas in most professions
These would be
considerable drawbacks
In chartered accountancy,
they're a positive boon.
But you see, I came here
to find a new job, a new life
A new meaning to my existence.
Can't you help me?
Well, do you
have any idea
Of what
you want to do?
Yes, yes, I have.
What?
Lion taming.
Yes, yes, of course,
it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?
I mean, chartered accountancy
to lion taming in one go.
You don't think
it might be better
If you worked your way
towards lion taming
Say, via banking or...
No! no, no, no, no, no!
I don't want to wait.
At 9:00 tomorrow
I want to be
in there taming.
Fine, fine,
but do you...
Do you have any
qualifications?
Yes, I've got a hat.
A hat?
Yes, a hat, a lion taming hat.
A hat with "lion tamer" on it.
I got it at harrods.
And it lights up,
saying "lion tamer"
In great, big neon letters
So you can tame them after dark
when they're less stroppy.
I see, I see.
And you can claim reasonable
wear and tear--
Switch it off during
the daytime--
As allowable
professional expenses...
Yes, yes, yes
I do follow the strategy,
but you see, the snag is
If I now call mr. chipperfield
and say to him
"look here, I've got
"a 45-year-old
chartered accountant with me
Who wants to become
a lion tamer"
His first question
is not going to be
"does he have his own hat?"
He's going to ask
What sort of experience
you've had with lions.
Well, I've seen them at the zoo.
Good, good, good.
Yes, they're brown,
furry things
With short, stumpy legs
and great, long noses.
I don't know what
all the fuss is about.
I could tame one of those.
They look pretty tame
to start with.
And these, um, these lions,
how high are they?
Well, they're about
so high, you know.
They don't
frighten me at all.
Really?
And do these lions eat ants?
Yes, that's right.
Uh, well, mr. anchovy
I'm afraid what you've got
hold of there is an anteater.
A what?
An anteater, not a lion.
You see, a lion is
a huge, savage beast
About five feet high, ten feet
long, weighing about 400 pounds
Running 40 miles an hour with
masses of sharp, pointed teeth
And nasty, long,
razor-sharp claws
That could rip your belly open
Before you could say
"eric robinson."
And they look like this.
Time enough, I think,
for a piece of wood.
The larch.
Now, shall I call
mr. chipperfield?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
I think your idea
Of making the transition
to lion taming
Via easy stages,
say, via insurance or...
Banking.
Or banking, banking,
yes, banking.
That's a man's life,
isn't it?
Banking-- travel,
excitement, adventure
Thrills, decisions
affecting people's lives.
Jolly good.
Shall I put you
In touch with the bank?
Yes...
No, no, no.
Look, it's
a big decision.
I'd like just
a couple of weeks
To think about it,
you know?
Don't want to jump
into it too quickly.
Maybe three weeks.
I could let you know
definitely then.
Well, this is just one
of the all-too-many cases
On our books
of chartered accountancy.
The only way that we can fight
This terrible, debilitating
social disease
Is by informing the general
public of its consequences
By showing young people...
Perhaps I could do it,
just for a bit...
That it's just not worth it.
So please, give generously
to this address:
Oh!
Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
No, it wasn't, you fairy.
Oh, hello, sailor.
Here, you wouldn't have got
on one of our voyages.
They were all dead butch.
Mmm, that's not what I've heard.
There is an epic quality
about the sea
Which has throughout history
Stirred the hearts and minds
of englishmen of all nations.
Sir francis drake, captain webb,
nelson of trafalgar
And scott of the antarctic
All rose to the challenge
of the mighty ocean.
And today, another englishman
may add his name
To the golden roll of history:
mr. ron obvious of neaps end
For today, ron obvious hopes
to be the first man
To jump the channel.
Ron, now, let's just
get this quite clear--
You're intending to jump
across the english channel.
Oh, yes, that is
correct, yes.
And just how far
is that?
Oh, well, it's 26 miles
from here to calais.
That's to the beach
at calais?
Well, no, no, provided
I get a good lift-off
And maybe a gust
of breeze over
the french coast
I shall be jumping
into the center of
calais itself.
Are you using any
special techniques
To jump this
great distance?
Oh, no, no.
I shall be using
An ordinary
two-footed jump
Straight up
in the air
And across
the channel.
I see.
Ron, what is
the furthest distance
That you've jumped so far?
Oh, uh, 11 foot, six inches
at motspur park on july 22.
But I have done nearly
12 feet unofficially.
I see, uh... ron, ron,
aren't you worried
Ron, aren't you worried jumping
26 miles across the sea?
Oh, no, no, no.
It is,
in fact, easier
To jump over sea
than over dry land.
Well, how is that?
Well, my manager
explained it to me.
You see, if you're
five miles out
Over the english channel
With nothing but
sea underneath you
There is a very
great impetus
To stay in the air.
I see, well, uh,
thank you very much, ron
And the very best of luck.
Thank you,
thank you.
The man behind ron's
cross-channel jump
Is his manager,
mr. luigi vercotti.
Mr. vercotti... mr. vercotti.
Mr. vercotti.
What?
Mr. vercotti...
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Uh, no, we're from the bbc,
mr. vercotti.
Who?
The bbc.
Oh, oh, I see.
I thought... I thought
you were the, um...
I like the police a lot.
I've got lots
of time for them.
Well, uh, mr. vercotti
What is your chief task
as ron's manager?
Well, my main task
Is to fix a sponsor
for the big jump.
And who is the sponsor?
The chippenham
brick company.
They pay all the bills,
in return for which
Ron will be carrying half a
hundredweight of their bricks.
I see.
Well, it looks as if
ron is ready now.
He's got the bricks.
He's had his passport checked
and he's all set to go.
And he's off on the first-ever
cross-channel jump.
Will ron be trying
the cross-channel
jump again soon?
No, no, I'm taking
him off the jumps
Because I've got something
lined up for ron next week
That I think is very much
more up his street.
What's that?
Ron is going to eat
chichester cathedral.
Well, there he goes,
ron obvious of neaps end
In an attempt
which could make him
The first man ever to eat
an entire anglican cathedral.
Well, uh,
I think, david
This is something
Which ron and i
are really keen on.
Ron is going to tunnel
From godalming here
to java here.
Java.
Yeah, I personally think
this is going to make ron
A household name overnight.
And how far has he got?
Well, he's quite far now, dave,
Uh, well on the way.
Well on the way, yeah.
Well, where is he, exactly?
Yeah.
Where?
Oh, well, um, you know
It's difficult to say, exactly.
He's, you know, in the area
Of, um...
Ron, how far have you got?
Oh, about two foot, six,
mr. vercotti.
Yeah, well, keep digging,
lad, keep digging.
Mr. vercotti, are you
sure there isn't a spade?
Uh, mr. vercotti,
what do you say to people
Who accuse you
of exploiting ron
For your own purposes?
Well, that's
totally untrue,
david.
Ever since
I left sicily
I've been trying to
do the best for ron.
I know what ron
wants to do
I believe in him
And I'm just
trying to create
The opportunities
for ron
To do the kind
of things he
wants to do.
And what's he going
to do today?
He's going to split
a railway carriage
With his nose.
The only
difficult bit for ron
Is getting out
of earth's atmosphere.
Once he's in orbit, he'll be
able to run straight to mercury.
I am now
extremely hopeful
That ron will break
the world record
For remaining underground.
He's a wonderful boy, this
And he's got this
really enormous talent
This really huge talent.
That's a bit sad, isn't it?
Shh, it's satire.
No, it isn't,
it's just zany madcap humor.
Oh, is it?
Good morning,
I'd like to buy a cat.
Certainly, sir.
Got a lovely terrier.
No, I want
a cat, really.
Oh, yeah.
How about that?
Well, that's
the terrier.
Well, it's as near
as dammit.
Well, what do you mean?--
I want a cat.
Listen, tell you what.
I'll file his legs down a bit,
take his snout off
Stick a few wires
through his cheeks
There you are,
lovely pussycat.
It's not a proper cat.
What do you mean?
He wouldn't meow.
Well, it would howl a bit.
No, no, no, no.
Have you got a parrot?
I'm afraid not, actually, guv,
we're fresh out of parrots.
Tell you what, though, I'll lop
its back legs off, make good
Strip the fur,
stick a couple of wings on
And staple on a beak
of your own choice.
No problem, lovely parrot.
How long would
that take?
Oh, let me see
Stripping
the fur off, no legs...
Harry?
Yeah.
Can you do
a parrot job on this, uh
Can you do a parrot job
on this terrier straight away?
No, I'm still putting
a tuck in the airedale
And then I've got
the frogs to let out.
Friday?
No, I need it for tomorrow;
it's a present.
Oh, dear, it's a long job,
you see, parrot conversion.
Uh, tell you what, though,
for free
Terriers make lovely fish.
I mean, I would
do that for you
straight away.
Legs off, fins on,
stick a little pipe
Through the back
of its neck
So he can breathe
A bit of gold paint.
make good.
You'd need
a very big tank.
It's a great
conversation piece.
Yeah, all right,
all right.
But... only
if I can watch.
Oh, I thought that was
a bit predictable.
It's been done before.
Yeah, we did it
for caesar's christmas show.
No, you didn't.
You did jackand the beanstalk.
Here, what was
that picture?
Shh... next.
Good morning...
mr. phipps?
That's right, yes.
Um, do take a seat.
Right, sir.
Now, could you
tell us, roughly
Why you want to
become a librarian?
Well, I've had a certain amount
of experience
Running a library at school.
Yes, yes, what sort
of experience?
Well, for a time
I ran the upper science library.
Yes, yes.
Now, mr. phipps,
of course you do realize
That the post of librarian
carries with it
Certain very important
responsibilities.
I mean, there's
the selection of books
The record library
and the art gallery.
Now, it seems to me that your
greatest disadvantage is
Your lack
of professional experience
Coupled with the fact
that being a gorilla
You would tend
to frighten people.
Uh, is he a gorilla?
Yes, he is.
Why doesn't it
say on his form
That he's a gorilla?
Well, you see
Applicants are not required
to fill in their species.
What was
that picture?
Shh!
Mr. phipps,
what is your attitude
Towards censorship
in the public library?
How do you mean, sir?
Well, I mean for instance
Would you stock last exit
to brooklyn or groupie?
Yes, I think so.
Good.
Yes, well, that seems to be
very sensible, mr. phipps.
I can't pretend
that this library
Hasn't had its difficulties.
Mr. robertson--
your predecessor--
An excellent librarian,
savaged three people last week
And had to be destroyed.
I'm sorry, sir.
Oh, no, don't be sorry.
You see, I don't believe
That libraries
should be drab places
Where people sit in silence
And that's been
the main reason
For our policy
of employing
Wild animals
as librarians.
And also
they're much
more permissive.
Pumas keep hank janson
on open shelves.
Yes, mr. phipps.
Mr. phipps, I love
seeing the customers
When they come in
to complain
About some book
being damaged
And ask to see
the chief librarian
And then you should see
their faces
When the proud beast leaps
from his tiny office
Snatches the book from
their hands and sinks his fangs
Into their soft...
Mr. phipps--
kong--
You can be our
next librarian.
You're proud, majestic
and fierce enough.
Will you do it?
I don't think I can, sir.
Why not?
I'm not really
a gorilla.
I'm a librarian in a skin.
Why this
deception?
Well, they said it would be
The best way to get a job.
Get out,
mr. librarian phipps
Seeing as you're
not a gorilla
But only dressed up
as one
Trying to deceive us
In order to further
your career!
Next?
Ah, mr. pattinson, sit!
"dear mirror view
"I would like to be paid
five guineas
"for saying something stupid
about a television show.
Yours sincerely,
mrs. sybil agro."
"dear david jacobs,
east grinstead, friday.
"why should I have to pay
64 guineas each year
"for my television license
when I can buy one for six?
"yours, sincerely,
captain r.h. pretty.
"p.s.-- support rhodesia,
cut motor taxes
Save the argylls,
running-in please pass."
"dear old codgers
"some friends of mine and i
have formed a consortium
"and, working with sophisticated
drilling equipment
"we have discovered
extensive nickel deposits
"off western scotland.
The cincinnati mining company."
"good for you, ma'am!"
"dear old codgers
"I am president of the united
states of america.
Yours truly, r.m. nixon."
"phew! bet that's a job
and a half, ma'am."
"dear sir, I am
over 3,000 years old
And would like to see any scene
with two people in bed."
"bet that's a link, ma'am."
"bet that's a link, ma'am."
Vera, vera, darling!
Wake up,
my little lemon.
Come to my arms.
Oh, maurice,
what are you doing here?
I could not keep
away from you.
I must have you
all the time.
Oh, this is most
inconvenient.
Don't talk to me
about convenience.
Love consumes
my naughty mind.
I'm delirious
with desire.
What's that, vera?
Oh, uh, nothing, dear
Just a trick
of the light.
Righto.
Phew, that was close!
Now, then,
my little banana
My little fruit salad.
I can wait for you
no longer.
You must be mine,
utterly.
Oh, maurice.
Vera!
How dare you!
Roger!
What's the meaning
of this?
Oh, I can explain
everything, my darling.
Who's this?
This is maurice
zatapathique,
roger thompson.
Roger thompson,
maurice zatapathique.
How do you do?
How do you do?
How could you do this
to me, vera
After all we've been through?
Damn it, I love you.
Vera, don't you
understand?
It's me that loves you.
What's happening,
vera?
Oh, nothing, dear.
Just a twig brushing
against the window.
Righto!
Come to me, vera.
Oh, not now,
roger.
Vera, my little
hedgehog
Don't turn me away.
Oh, it cannot
be, maurice.
Hands off, you
filthy bally froggie.
Oh, ken, ken biggles!
Yes, algy is
here as well.
Algy braithwaite?
That's right,
vera.
Oh, god, you know
We both still
bally love you.
Oh, biggles!
Algy!
Oh, but how
wonderful!
What's happening,
vera?
Oh, nothing, dear,
just the toilet filling up.
Righto!
Excuse me, could
you tell me
Where is mrs. vera
jackson, please?
Yes, right
and right again.
muchas gracias.
Righto!
Oh, vera
Remember acapulco
in the springtime.
Oh, the herman rodrigues four!
Vera! I distinctly
heard
A mexican
rhythm combo.
Oh, no, dear,
it was just
The electric blanket
switching off.
Oh... well, I'm
going for a tinkle.
No, you can't do that.
Here, we haven't
finished the sketch yet!
Dash it all
There's only
another bally page.
I say, there's
no one to react to.
Don't talk
to the camera.
Oh, sorry.
It's no good you coming in.
He's gone and left the sketch.
Yes, he went
for a tinkle.
Ooh.
Shh...
I think my wife
is beginning
To suspect
something.
I felt that ending
was a bit predictable.
Yes, indeed, there was
a certain lack of originality.
However, it's not necessarily a
good thing just to be different.
No... quite, there
is equal humor
In the conventional.
But on the other hand, is
it what the public wants?
I mean, with the new
permissiveness
Not to mention the balance
of payments
And the undeniable fact that...
I agree with that
completely.
That's it, I'm getting
out of this show
Before it's too late.
Too late!
Monty python's flying circus.
Well, where is he?
Hmm... hmm.
Well, what is it, dear?
It's from the bbc.
They want to know if I want
to be in a sketch on telly.
Ooh, that's nice.
Why, it's acting,
isn't it?
Yes.
Well, I'm a plumber.
I can't act.
Oh, you never know
till you try.
Look at mrs. brando's
son next door.
He was mending the fridge
when they came
And asked him to be
the wild one.
What do they
want you to do?
Well, they just want me
to stand at a counter
And when the sketch starts,
I'll go out.
Oh, that sounds nice.
That's what they call a walk-on.
Walk-on?
That's a walk-off,
that's what this is.
Where is he, georgie?
He should have been
here hours ago.
He bloody should have been.
What else did it say?
It just says
"we would like you
to be in a sketch.
"you are standing
at a counter.
"when the sketch
starts, you go off.
Yours faithfully,
lord hill."
Oh, well, you better
be off, then.
Well, what about the cat?
Oh, I'll look
after the cat.
Goodness me,
mrs. newman's oldest
Never worried
about the cat
When he went off to do
the sweet bird of youth.
All right, then,
all right.
Bye-bye, dear.
Bye-bye, and mind you,
don't get seduced.
It'll make a change
from plumbing.
Dad, frank's got
a television part.
You missed him.
Good morning.
I'm a bank robber.
Uh, please don't panic.
Just hand over
all your money.
This is a lingerie shop, sir.
Fine, fine.
Fine.
Adopt, adapt and improve.
Motto of the round table.
Well, um...
What have you got?
Uh, we've got corsets,
stockings, suspender belts
Tights, bras, slips, petticoats
Knickers, socks
and garters, sir.
Fine, fine.
Fine, fine.
Um... no large piles of money
in safes?
No, sir.
No deposit accounts?
No, sir.
No piles of cash
in easy-to-carry bags?
None at all, sir.
No luncheon vouchers?
No, sir.
Fine, fine.
Well, um...
Adopt, adapt and improve.
Just a pair of
knickers then, please.
Well, that was a bit of fun,
wasn't it?
And a special good evening
to you.
Not just
an ordinary good evening
Like you get from
all the other announcers
But a special good evening
from me...
To you.
Well, what have we got next?
This is fun, isn't it?
Look, I'm sorry if
I'm interrupting anything
That any of you
may be doing at home
But I want you to think of me
as an old queen...
Friend.
Well, let's see
what we've got next.
In a few moments, it's a tree
And in the chair as usual
is arthur tree
And starring in the show
Will be a host of star guests
as his star guests.
And then at 9:30, we've got
another rollicking half hour
Of laughter-packed squalor
With yes, it's
the sewage farm attendants.
And this week, dan falls
into a vat of human dung
With hilarious consequences.
But now it's the glittering
world of show business
With arthur tree.
Hello, hello, people,
and welcome to it's a tree.
We have some really exciting
guests for you this evening--
A fabulous spruce
back from a tour of holland;
Three gum trees
Making their first appearance
in this country;
Scots pine and the conifers;
and elm tree bole--
There you go, can't be bad--
An exciting new american plank;
A rain forest
and a bucket of sawdust
Giving their views
on teenage violence;
And an unusual guest
for this program--
A piece of laminated plastic.
Hi there.
But first, will you
please, please welcome
A block of wood.
Well, block, nice to have you
on the show again.
Well, uh, thanks, tree.
I got to pay the rent.
Super.
Well, what have you
been doing, block?
Well, I've just been starring
In several major multimillion-
dollar international films
And during breaks on the set,
I've been designing a cathedral
Doing wonderful unpublicized
work for charity
Uh, finishing my history
of the world, of course
Pulling the birds...
Oh!
Uh, photographing royalty
on the loo
Averting world war iii--
can't be bad-- and, uh...
Learning to read.
The full renaissance bit,
really.
Super, super.
Well, I've got to stop you
there, block, I'm afraid
Because we've got someone
Who's been doing cabaret
in the new forest.
From america,
will you welcome, please
A chippendale writing desk.
Thank you, mr. tree.
I'd now like to do
a few impersonations
Of some of
my favorite englishmen.
First off, long john sliver.
Arg, jim boy, arg, arg.
And now, edward heath.
Hello, sailor.
Now, a short scene from a play
by harold splinter.
Wasn't that just great,
ladies and gentlemen?
But wait a minute.
We've got something else I just
know you're going to love.
Yes, sir, coming right up
The vocational
guidance counselor sketch.
Vocational guidance
counselor
Vocational
guidance counselor
Vocational guidance
counselor
Vocational guidance
counselor.
Ah, mr. anchovy.
Do sit down.
Thank you.
Take the weight
off the feet, eh?
Yes, yes.
Lovely weather
For the time of year,
I must say.
Enough of this gay banter.
And now, mr. anchovy
You asked us
to advise you
Which job in life
You were
best suited for.
That is correct, yes.
Well, I now have the results
here of the interviews
And the aptitude tests
that you took last week
And from them, we've built up
a pretty clear picture
Of the sort of person
that you are
And I think I can say
without fear of contradiction
That the ideal job for you
is chartered accountancy.
But I am a chartered accountant.
Jolly good.
Well, back to the
office with you, then.
No, no, no,
you don't understand.
I've been a chartered accountant
for the last 20 years.
I want a new job-- something
exciting that will let me live.
Well, chartered accountancy's
rather exciting, isn't it?
Exciting?!
No, it's not!
It's dull, dull, dull.
My god, it's dull.
It's so desperately
dull and tedious
And stuffy and boring
and desperately dull.
Well, uh, yes,
mr. anchovy
But you see, your
report here says
That you are an
extremely dull person.
You see, our experts
describe you
As an appallingly dull fellow
Unimaginative, timid,
lacking in initiative
Spineless,
easily dominated
No sense of humor,
tedious company
And irrepressibly drab
and awful.
And whereas in most professions
These would be
considerable drawbacks
In chartered accountancy,
they're a positive boon.
But you see, I came here
to find a new job, a new life
A new meaning to my existence.
Can't you help me?
Well, do you
have any idea
Of what
you want to do?
Yes, yes, I have.
What?
Lion taming.
Yes, yes, of course,
it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?
I mean, chartered accountancy
to lion taming in one go.
You don't think
it might be better
If you worked your way
towards lion taming
Say, via banking or...
No! no, no, no, no, no!
I don't want to wait.
At 9:00 tomorrow
I want to be
in there taming.
Fine, fine,
but do you...
Do you have any
qualifications?
Yes, I've got a hat.
A hat?
Yes, a hat, a lion taming hat.
A hat with "lion tamer" on it.
I got it at harrods.
And it lights up,
saying "lion tamer"
In great, big neon letters
So you can tame them after dark
when they're less stroppy.
I see, I see.
And you can claim reasonable
wear and tear--
Switch it off during
the daytime--
As allowable
professional expenses...
Yes, yes, yes
I do follow the strategy,
but you see, the snag is
If I now call mr. chipperfield
and say to him
"look here, I've got
"a 45-year-old
chartered accountant with me
Who wants to become
a lion tamer"
His first question
is not going to be
"does he have his own hat?"
He's going to ask
What sort of experience
you've had with lions.
Well, I've seen them at the zoo.
Good, good, good.
Yes, they're brown,
furry things
With short, stumpy legs
and great, long noses.
I don't know what
all the fuss is about.
I could tame one of those.
They look pretty tame
to start with.
And these, um, these lions,
how high are they?
Well, they're about
so high, you know.
They don't
frighten me at all.
Really?
And do these lions eat ants?
Yes, that's right.
Uh, well, mr. anchovy
I'm afraid what you've got
hold of there is an anteater.
A what?
An anteater, not a lion.
You see, a lion is
a huge, savage beast
About five feet high, ten feet
long, weighing about 400 pounds
Running 40 miles an hour with
masses of sharp, pointed teeth
And nasty, long,
razor-sharp claws
That could rip your belly open
Before you could say
"eric robinson."
And they look like this.
Time enough, I think,
for a piece of wood.
The larch.
Now, shall I call
mr. chipperfield?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
I think your idea
Of making the transition
to lion taming
Via easy stages,
say, via insurance or...
Banking.
Or banking, banking,
yes, banking.
That's a man's life,
isn't it?
Banking-- travel,
excitement, adventure
Thrills, decisions
affecting people's lives.
Jolly good.
Shall I put you
In touch with the bank?
Yes...
No, no, no.
Look, it's
a big decision.
I'd like just
a couple of weeks
To think about it,
you know?
Don't want to jump
into it too quickly.
Maybe three weeks.
I could let you know
definitely then.
Well, this is just one
of the all-too-many cases
On our books
of chartered accountancy.
The only way that we can fight
This terrible, debilitating
social disease
Is by informing the general
public of its consequences
By showing young people...
Perhaps I could do it,
just for a bit...
That it's just not worth it.
So please, give generously
to this address:
Oh!
Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
No, it wasn't, you fairy.
Oh, hello, sailor.
Here, you wouldn't have got
on one of our voyages.
They were all dead butch.
Mmm, that's not what I've heard.
There is an epic quality
about the sea
Which has throughout history
Stirred the hearts and minds
of englishmen of all nations.
Sir francis drake, captain webb,
nelson of trafalgar
And scott of the antarctic
All rose to the challenge
of the mighty ocean.
And today, another englishman
may add his name
To the golden roll of history:
mr. ron obvious of neaps end
For today, ron obvious hopes
to be the first man
To jump the channel.
Ron, now, let's just
get this quite clear--
You're intending to jump
across the english channel.
Oh, yes, that is
correct, yes.
And just how far
is that?
Oh, well, it's 26 miles
from here to calais.
That's to the beach
at calais?
Well, no, no, provided
I get a good lift-off
And maybe a gust
of breeze over
the french coast
I shall be jumping
into the center of
calais itself.
Are you using any
special techniques
To jump this
great distance?
Oh, no, no.
I shall be using
An ordinary
two-footed jump
Straight up
in the air
And across
the channel.
I see.
Ron, what is
the furthest distance
That you've jumped so far?
Oh, uh, 11 foot, six inches
at motspur park on july 22.
But I have done nearly
12 feet unofficially.
I see, uh... ron, ron,
aren't you worried
Ron, aren't you worried jumping
26 miles across the sea?
Oh, no, no, no.
It is,
in fact, easier
To jump over sea
than over dry land.
Well, how is that?
Well, my manager
explained it to me.
You see, if you're
five miles out
Over the english channel
With nothing but
sea underneath you
There is a very
great impetus
To stay in the air.
I see, well, uh,
thank you very much, ron
And the very best of luck.
Thank you,
thank you.
The man behind ron's
cross-channel jump
Is his manager,
mr. luigi vercotti.
Mr. vercotti... mr. vercotti.
Mr. vercotti.
What?
Mr. vercotti...
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Uh, no, we're from the bbc,
mr. vercotti.
Who?
The bbc.
Oh, oh, I see.
I thought... I thought
you were the, um...
I like the police a lot.
I've got lots
of time for them.
Well, uh, mr. vercotti
What is your chief task
as ron's manager?
Well, my main task
Is to fix a sponsor
for the big jump.
And who is the sponsor?
The chippenham
brick company.
They pay all the bills,
in return for which
Ron will be carrying half a
hundredweight of their bricks.
I see.
Well, it looks as if
ron is ready now.
He's got the bricks.
He's had his passport checked
and he's all set to go.
And he's off on the first-ever
cross-channel jump.
Will ron be trying
the cross-channel
jump again soon?
No, no, I'm taking
him off the jumps
Because I've got something
lined up for ron next week
That I think is very much
more up his street.
What's that?
Ron is going to eat
chichester cathedral.
Well, there he goes,
ron obvious of neaps end
In an attempt
which could make him
The first man ever to eat
an entire anglican cathedral.
Well, uh,
I think, david
This is something
Which ron and i
are really keen on.
Ron is going to tunnel
From godalming here
to java here.
Java.
Yeah, I personally think
this is going to make ron
A household name overnight.
And how far has he got?
Well, he's quite far now, dave,
Uh, well on the way.
Well on the way, yeah.
Well, where is he, exactly?
Yeah.
Where?
Oh, well, um, you know
It's difficult to say, exactly.
He's, you know, in the area
Of, um...
Ron, how far have you got?
Oh, about two foot, six,
mr. vercotti.
Yeah, well, keep digging,
lad, keep digging.
Mr. vercotti, are you
sure there isn't a spade?
Uh, mr. vercotti,
what do you say to people
Who accuse you
of exploiting ron
For your own purposes?
Well, that's
totally untrue,
david.
Ever since
I left sicily
I've been trying to
do the best for ron.
I know what ron
wants to do
I believe in him
And I'm just
trying to create
The opportunities
for ron
To do the kind
of things he
wants to do.
And what's he going
to do today?
He's going to split
a railway carriage
With his nose.
The only
difficult bit for ron
Is getting out
of earth's atmosphere.
Once he's in orbit, he'll be
able to run straight to mercury.
I am now
extremely hopeful
That ron will break
the world record
For remaining underground.
He's a wonderful boy, this
And he's got this
really enormous talent
This really huge talent.
That's a bit sad, isn't it?
Shh, it's satire.
No, it isn't,
it's just zany madcap humor.
Oh, is it?
Good morning,
I'd like to buy a cat.
Certainly, sir.
Got a lovely terrier.
No, I want
a cat, really.
Oh, yeah.
How about that?
Well, that's
the terrier.
Well, it's as near
as dammit.
Well, what do you mean?--
I want a cat.
Listen, tell you what.
I'll file his legs down a bit,
take his snout off
Stick a few wires
through his cheeks
There you are,
lovely pussycat.
It's not a proper cat.
What do you mean?
He wouldn't meow.
Well, it would howl a bit.
No, no, no, no.
Have you got a parrot?
I'm afraid not, actually, guv,
we're fresh out of parrots.
Tell you what, though, I'll lop
its back legs off, make good
Strip the fur,
stick a couple of wings on
And staple on a beak
of your own choice.
No problem, lovely parrot.
How long would
that take?
Oh, let me see
Stripping
the fur off, no legs...
Harry?
Yeah.
Can you do
a parrot job on this, uh
Can you do a parrot job
on this terrier straight away?
No, I'm still putting
a tuck in the airedale
And then I've got
the frogs to let out.
Friday?
No, I need it for tomorrow;
it's a present.
Oh, dear, it's a long job,
you see, parrot conversion.
Uh, tell you what, though,
for free
Terriers make lovely fish.
I mean, I would
do that for you
straight away.
Legs off, fins on,
stick a little pipe
Through the back
of its neck
So he can breathe
A bit of gold paint.
make good.
You'd need
a very big tank.
It's a great
conversation piece.
Yeah, all right,
all right.
But... only
if I can watch.
Oh, I thought that was
a bit predictable.
It's been done before.
Yeah, we did it
for caesar's christmas show.
No, you didn't.
You did jackand the beanstalk.
Here, what was
that picture?
Shh... next.
Good morning...
mr. phipps?
That's right, yes.
Um, do take a seat.
Right, sir.
Now, could you
tell us, roughly
Why you want to
become a librarian?
Well, I've had a certain amount
of experience
Running a library at school.
Yes, yes, what sort
of experience?
Well, for a time
I ran the upper science library.
Yes, yes.
Now, mr. phipps,
of course you do realize
That the post of librarian
carries with it
Certain very important
responsibilities.
I mean, there's
the selection of books
The record library
and the art gallery.
Now, it seems to me that your
greatest disadvantage is
Your lack
of professional experience
Coupled with the fact
that being a gorilla
You would tend
to frighten people.
Uh, is he a gorilla?
Yes, he is.
Why doesn't it
say on his form
That he's a gorilla?
Well, you see
Applicants are not required
to fill in their species.
What was
that picture?
Shh!
Mr. phipps,
what is your attitude
Towards censorship
in the public library?
How do you mean, sir?
Well, I mean for instance
Would you stock last exit
to brooklyn or groupie?
Yes, I think so.
Good.
Yes, well, that seems to be
very sensible, mr. phipps.
I can't pretend
that this library
Hasn't had its difficulties.
Mr. robertson--
your predecessor--
An excellent librarian,
savaged three people last week
And had to be destroyed.
I'm sorry, sir.
Oh, no, don't be sorry.
You see, I don't believe
That libraries
should be drab places
Where people sit in silence
And that's been
the main reason
For our policy
of employing
Wild animals
as librarians.
And also
they're much
more permissive.
Pumas keep hank janson
on open shelves.
Yes, mr. phipps.
Mr. phipps, I love
seeing the customers
When they come in
to complain
About some book
being damaged
And ask to see
the chief librarian
And then you should see
their faces
When the proud beast leaps
from his tiny office
Snatches the book from
their hands and sinks his fangs
Into their soft...
Mr. phipps--
kong--
You can be our
next librarian.
You're proud, majestic
and fierce enough.
Will you do it?
I don't think I can, sir.
Why not?
I'm not really
a gorilla.
I'm a librarian in a skin.
Why this
deception?
Well, they said it would be
The best way to get a job.
Get out,
mr. librarian phipps
Seeing as you're
not a gorilla
But only dressed up
as one
Trying to deceive us
In order to further
your career!
Next?
Ah, mr. pattinson, sit!
"dear mirror view
"I would like to be paid
five guineas
"for saying something stupid
about a television show.
Yours sincerely,
mrs. sybil agro."
"dear david jacobs,
east grinstead, friday.
"why should I have to pay
64 guineas each year
"for my television license
when I can buy one for six?
"yours, sincerely,
captain r.h. pretty.
"p.s.-- support rhodesia,
cut motor taxes
Save the argylls,
running-in please pass."
"dear old codgers
"some friends of mine and i
have formed a consortium
"and, working with sophisticated
drilling equipment
"we have discovered
extensive nickel deposits
"off western scotland.
The cincinnati mining company."
"good for you, ma'am!"
"dear old codgers
"I am president of the united
states of america.
Yours truly, r.m. nixon."
"phew! bet that's a job
and a half, ma'am."
"dear sir, I am
over 3,000 years old
And would like to see any scene
with two people in bed."
"bet that's a link, ma'am."
"bet that's a link, ma'am."
Vera, vera, darling!
Wake up,
my little lemon.
Come to my arms.
Oh, maurice,
what are you doing here?
I could not keep
away from you.
I must have you
all the time.
Oh, this is most
inconvenient.
Don't talk to me
about convenience.
Love consumes
my naughty mind.
I'm delirious
with desire.
What's that, vera?
Oh, uh, nothing, dear
Just a trick
of the light.
Righto.
Phew, that was close!
Now, then,
my little banana
My little fruit salad.
I can wait for you
no longer.
You must be mine,
utterly.
Oh, maurice.
Vera!
How dare you!
Roger!
What's the meaning
of this?
Oh, I can explain
everything, my darling.
Who's this?
This is maurice
zatapathique,
roger thompson.
Roger thompson,
maurice zatapathique.
How do you do?
How do you do?
How could you do this
to me, vera
After all we've been through?
Damn it, I love you.
Vera, don't you
understand?
It's me that loves you.
What's happening,
vera?
Oh, nothing, dear.
Just a twig brushing
against the window.
Righto!
Come to me, vera.
Oh, not now,
roger.
Vera, my little
hedgehog
Don't turn me away.
Oh, it cannot
be, maurice.
Hands off, you
filthy bally froggie.
Oh, ken, ken biggles!
Yes, algy is
here as well.
Algy braithwaite?
That's right,
vera.
Oh, god, you know
We both still
bally love you.
Oh, biggles!
Algy!
Oh, but how
wonderful!
What's happening,
vera?
Oh, nothing, dear,
just the toilet filling up.
Righto!
Excuse me, could
you tell me
Where is mrs. vera
jackson, please?
Yes, right
and right again.
muchas gracias.
Righto!
Oh, vera
Remember acapulco
in the springtime.
Oh, the herman rodrigues four!
Vera! I distinctly
heard
A mexican
rhythm combo.
Oh, no, dear,
it was just
The electric blanket
switching off.
Oh... well, I'm
going for a tinkle.
No, you can't do that.
Here, we haven't
finished the sketch yet!
Dash it all
There's only
another bally page.
I say, there's
no one to react to.
Don't talk
to the camera.
Oh, sorry.
It's no good you coming in.
He's gone and left the sketch.
Yes, he went
for a tinkle.
Ooh.
Shh...
I think my wife
is beginning
To suspect
something.
I felt that ending
was a bit predictable.
Yes, indeed, there was
a certain lack of originality.
However, it's not necessarily a
good thing just to be different.
No... quite, there
is equal humor
In the conventional.
But on the other hand, is
it what the public wants?
I mean, with the new
permissiveness
Not to mention the balance
of payments
And the undeniable fact that...
I agree with that
completely.
That's it, I'm getting
out of this show
Before it's too late.
Too late!