Monk (2002–2009): Season 7, Episode 9 - Mr. Monk and the Miracle - full transcript

On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me

Five golden kegs

Four fifths of Night Train
Three shots of Bourbon

Two more shots of Bourbon

And a bathtub
full of Grey Goose

Vodka

That was pretty damn good.

That was better than good.
That was sensational.

Aw.

This is an empty bottle,
the saddest sight in the world.

Where's Willie?
He's always got a little money.



He left like 20 minutes ago.

He went looking for bottles.

Collecting bottles?
For redeemables.

Help!

Somebody! Help!

Help!

There he is.
There's Willie.

Willie!

Willie!

Willie!

You gotta help me!
Call the police!

Someone's after me.
What?

What'd you do?
Nothing!

Some guy started chasing me!



I think he's
trying to kill me!

Ain't nobody there.
He's just got the willies.

Willie got the willies!

Oh, hell!
There he is!

You're being paranoid.

Maybe I am. I ain't
sticking around to find out!

Hey, you forgot one!

Run, Willie, run!

Run, Willie, run!

Run, Willie, run!

Willie!

Willie!

Where you at?
It's us.

Here's his cart.

Psst.

It's a jungle out there

Disorder and confusion
everywhere

No one seems to care

Well, I do

Hey, who's in charge here?

It's a jungle out there

Poison in the very air
we breathe

You know what's in the water
that you drink?

Well, I do

It's amazing

People think I'm crazy

'cause I worry
all the time

If you paid attention,
you'd be worried, too

You better pay attention

Or this world
we love so much

might just kill you

I could be wrong now

But I don't think so

'Cause there's
a jungle out there

It's a jungle out there

Is that your tree?

Uh-huh.

It's cardboard.

Right. No muss, no fuss.

A lot of people are doing it.

Who?

People, you know,
who are me.

Hmm.

What do you think?

I think it's sad.

I know it's sad.
I mean, is it straight?

Christmas doesn't mean
anything to you?

Not anymore.

Why don't you believe
in anything, Mr. Monk?

What are you so afraid of?
Tell you what I think.

I think Mr. Monk has been
afraid of so many things,

for so many years,
he's afraid of not being afraid.

What does that mean?
Think about it.

I'm afraid to.
Honey, will you try this?

This is chicken soup,
it's for the Captain.

What's wrong with him?
Oh. He's very, very sick.

It's been three
or four weeks now.

Yeah, he's got some sort of
arthritis. He can barely walk.

Mmm. It's perfect.
He's gonna love it.

I'm really worried
about him.

I mean, I've known him
for 15...

Is that my ladle?

Is that a problem?

No, it's fine. Help yourself.

I'll get it.
Wait, I...

May I?

I just thought of something
I want for Christmas.

A new ladle,
and a lock for my utensil drawer.

Uh, Mr. Monk,
these men want to talk to you.

Oh, my God.

Hello. Are you Mr. Monk,
the detective?

Oh, my God.

That's lke. That's Reggie.
And they call me The Professor.

We asked around.
And they says you was the best.

I'm sorry. I can't help you.
I'm retired.

As of when?

As of,
"Hello, are you Mr. Monk?"

No, he's not retired.
He's joking, he's joking.

So would you guys
like to have a seat?

No, no, no, no, no.
That couch doesn't work.

None of these chairs work.
Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't we all
stand on some newspaper?

Julie, go get some newspaper.

Everybody, hold it in until
we get some newspaper. Okay?

Hold what in?

What do you think
we're gonna do?

I don't know. I don't know.
Just hold it in. Hold it.

Can we do anything
for you gentlemen?

Last night, a friend
of ours was killed.

And we want to hire
Mr. Monk to investigate.

Did you talk
to the police?

They really didn't
listen, ma'am.

They said it was an accident.
That Willie, that's his name,

he climbed into an old
refrigerator to stay warm,

closed the door
and then suffocated.

But you don't think so?

Last night, he said that someone was
after him. Someone was chasing him.

We didn't believe him.

Delusional.
- We got money.

You can redeem these
anywhere. It comes to $14.

Oh, my God.

So what you think?

Uh, you know, Mr. Monk and I
are going to mull that one over.

But in the meantime,
are you guys hungry?

I just made some soup,
I have a whole pot.

Oh, we'd appreciate it, ma'am.
Thank you, ma'am.

Excuse me. Excuse.

Stay, stay. Stay right
where you are. Stay.

Stay. Stay.

What are you doing?
You're not really going to feed them?

Of course I'm feeding them.
They're hungry.

Natalie. Natalie,
I can't take this job.

Please. Please, don't
make me take this job.

Mr. Monk, you have to help these men.
Okay. Here it comes.

Number one,
they have nowhere else to go.

Number two, they collected cans
and bottles to pay your salary.

That's every nickel
they have in the world.

When was the last time a client
offered you every nickel they had?

Excuse me.
Throwing this away?

No, it's all yours.
You keep it.

Oh. What is this, marble?

I don't know.
I don't know. Maybe.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe it is.

Okay. Okay! Okay!
Fine! Fine!

Don't touch anything.
You know what?

Let's take a look
at the crime scene.

Here we go.
Everybody outside. Right.

Show me the crime scene.
Out. Outside.

We waited
for him all night.

Never came back.

So we went looking for him,
you know, like a search party.

Right there.

We found his shopping cart right over there.

Can you even see from there?

I'm fine.

Is that the
refrigerator?

Huh?
Is that the refrigerator?

What?
Is that the refrigerator?

Yes, sir! And then we noticed a piece of
clothing, part of his jacket sticking out.

Protruding, as it were.
So we opened it.

He was kinda stuffed in there.
Face first.

He was facing
away from you?

Did you tell that
to the police?

Yeah, but they don't
listen to us, man.

We, like, invisible to them.

What'd he say?
What?

We're like...
They don't see us.

So then what happened?

He fell out, backwards.

Plop.

What is it?

It's only one handprint.

He wasn't clawing around.

He wasn't panicking.

He was already dead.

No, no, no, no, I'm not signing
off on this till I talk to the DA.

What was the
victim's name again?

Willie T. That's what they called
him but nobody knew his real name.

The medical examiner
rubber stamped it,

but we just came
from the crime scene,

Randy, it is all wrong.

I think somebody put him
in that refrigerator.

We talked to
his bum friends.

His friends.
Not his "bum friends."

The ne'er-do-wells.
They're homeless individuals.

They said somebody was
chasing him last night.

Okay, well,
we'll reopen the case.

I'll call the ME myself.

Just like that?
Yeah, just like that.

Diaz, Diaz,
is that the revised affidavit?

Uh, I think so.
Yeah, let's see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good. Make sure this gets to
Judge Barr, not Judge Coleman.

Yes, sir.
Rookies.

Wow. Randy,
you really are in charge.

Yeah, well, when the
Captain got sick,

somebody had to step up.
How's he doing?

Yeah, we've been trying to call him,
but he doesn't answer.

Well, that's because he's here.
He's here?

He's downstairs
on the front desk.

He said he couldn't stand
just sitting around his house.

Is he okay?
He got here last night.

He won't go home.

It's like he's trying to
prove something.

And it's not just his back,

he's in a bad place
right now.

So, Mrs. Parisi,
let me get this straight.

You filed a complaint
two and a half weeks ago.

You said somebody vandalized your house.
That's right.

You said you thought some teenagers
painted this thing on your front door.

This is not a thing.
It's a fountain.

Okay.

So, some teenagers painted this
fountain on your front door,

and now you wanna
withdraw the complaint.

That's right. It wasn't teenagers.
I know that now.

It was God.

It was a sign from God.

God drew a little picture
on your front door?

It was a miracle.

Last summer, I couldn't breathe,
my lungs were burning.

She couldn't breathe.
We went to three different doctors.

And then I heard on the news, about the
fountain at the Franklin Park Monastery.

It looked just like this. It was this
fountain. And when she drank from it...

I was cured.

She's eating again.
She can sleep.

It's a miracle.
It's a miracle.

It's a miracle.
It's a miracle.

Write that down.
"It's a miracle."

Yeah.

Walk me through this again.

One more time.

There he is.

Hey.

Hey.
How you doing?

I feel like I look.

God, back problems
are the worst.

What did the doctor say?

Got five doctors,
and they haven't got a clue.

They got me on three
different medications.

I've tried everything,
even this crap.

What is it?
I don't know.

It's some kind of organic,
hippy concoction from hell.

My aunt sent me
a whole carton of it.

It tastes like chalk.

What's in it?

Chalk extract.

Captain, why don't you
just head on home?

We got things covered here.

Oh, no, I can't go home.

Look at all those
open cases.

Actually, these ones
are all cleared.

We are nine for nine
this week.

Nine for nine?

Good job.

I guess I'll just go home.
Not that anybody would notice.

You think you'll be okay?

I'm fine, except for
the alimony I can't afford.

I haven't had a date
in two, two years.

And my son,
my oldest boy, Jared,

is not talking to me,
he's with his mother.

He doesn't even
pick up the phone.

Merry Christmas.

Was there a sign
on your house?

Yeah.
Me, too.

I was the first one here.

I was in a car accident
last year.

I busted my hip.
They said I'd never walk again.

Five weeks ago,
the sign appeared on my garage door.

It said, "Drink."

Drink.
Two days later,

I was on a tour group
with my church.

We stopped here.

There it was. So I drank.

And...

My doctor says it's a miracle.
I think he's right.

I've been telling everyone.

I even went on the 6:00 news,
you know, to spread the word.

Okay.

You're not a believer.
I can tell.

Believe me,
I was a lot more skeptical than you.

We all were.

So what do you do?
You selling tickets?

You got a gift shop?

No, there's no gimmick here,
my friend.

Nobody's making
a nickel on this.

In fact, we're losing money.

We were planning to build some classrooms,
right where we're standing.

And now?

No, we can't build here now,
this is sacred ground.

Hmm.

Are you a man of faith?

I was an altar boy

and I thought I wanted to be
a priest when I was a kid.

It's never too late.

It's not a one-way street.
You can always go back.

Take a leap.

$13.85.

It was supposed to be $14.
I counted $14.

These three bottles are from
Canada. We can't accept them.

All set?
The bums ripped me off.

Canadian bottles.

Aw. Why don't you just fly up to Vancouver?
You could redeem them there?

Fly up to Vancouver?
You know how much that would cost?

I mean, the taxi ride
to the airport alone...

I get it, you're joking.

Okay, what's this?

Flowers for the Captain.

No, no. I mean these.
Utensils, new plates.

Didn't I mention? I invited a few friends
to your place for Christmas dinner.

I don't have any friends.

Well, they're not
really friends.

They're really, more, clients.

I don't have any clients.
Except the bums.

I said, I don't have any clients,
except for the bums.

Captain Stottlemeyer.

Feeling better?

Not really.

My brother-in-law
had a bad back.

You know what fixed it?

What?
Acupuncture.

He swears by it.

Been there, done that.

I've tried everything.
I've tried crystals, acupuncture.

This morning I was at the
monastery in Franklin Park,

drinking water
from the fountain.

Oh, yeah. It was on the news.
The Miracle Fountain.

Yeah.
Any luck?

Not yet.

Well, maybe, it's a
time-release miracle.

Yeah.
Say, are you a religious man?

Can't say that I am.

I only ask 'cause I saw the...

Oh, my ex-partner put
that up the day we opened.

A real devil dodger.

Used to go to church every week for years,
rain or shine.

Till the day he embezzled
$18,000 from me and disappeared.

Of course.

You got a partner?

Yes, I do.
Be careful.

That's all I can tell you.
Okay.

You're all set.
All right.

Merry Christmas.
Okay. Merry Christmas.

Good Morning.
Good Morning.

Sorry I'm late.

What's that?

I forgot the gravy for
Monday night, the big dinner.

You wasted a trip.
They make their own gravy.

Who makes their own gravy?

Bums.

Bums make their own gravy?
What does that even mean?

You don't wanna know.

Heavenly Father, as you know,
life ain't easy for us.

But we know you're always
there, watching over us.

And we wanna thank you
for sending our new friends,

Mr. Monk, Natalie,
and Julie into our lives.

And may we remember
our brothers and sisters

less fortunate than ourselves
in this season of giving.

Amen.
Amen. Amen.

This stuffing is delicious.

Oh, thank you.
It's my grandmother's recipe.

I love this gravy.

Usually, we make
our own, but...

Excuse me, could you
repeat that? About the gravy?

Usually, we make our own.

Huh. Isn't that interesting?
Natalie, did you hear that?

Yes, yes, I did.

Huh. Interesting.

So, um, why do they
call you The Professor?

Julie, that's probably
because he loves to read,

and probably because
he's curious about the world

and other cultures and...

I eat books.

Oh.

Excuse me.

I'm just using my napkin to wipe away
any food that might be on my face.

Just wiping my face. It's fun.

So, how's our case coming?

Actually, there's been
some progress there.

The medical examiner
changed the cause of death.

It wasn't an accident,
after all.

Your friend was asphyxiated.

He was drunk?

No, no, no, no.

He was suffocated,
probably, with a plastic bag.

It's good news, actually,

because, now they'll
reopen the case.

Well, thank you for that,
Mr. Monk.

I mean, we really
appreciate that.

It's the best 14 bucks
we ever spent.

Yeah. Yeah,
speaking of money.

It wasn't exactly $14.

You were a little short.
This...

They wouldn't redeem
these three bottles,

'cause they are from,
guess where? Canada.

Yeah.

I mean, it's no big deal.

It's 15 cents. It's hardly
worth mentioning. But...

Chalk extract.

Hey, Randy,
have you seen the Captain?

We've been
calling him all night.

Yeah, he's not here. Why?
What's going on?

Remember that homicide
I was working?

The homeless guy?
Right.

His name was Willie T.
The night he was killed,

he was out collecting
bottles and cans.

Yeah, remember that chalky,
herbal stuff the Captain was drinking?

There were three bottles of the same
drink in Willie's shopping cart.

Which means that
at some point, that night,

he was in the
Captain's yard, right?

Huh. That's interesting.

Yeah, maybe the Captain saw something.
I mean, something unusual.

What is that?

What?
On your face. On your lip.

It looks a little bit
like a mustache.

Well, I'm in charge.
It comes with the job.

Okay, you're making me
a little uncomfortable.

You're making me
a little uncomfortable.

Anyways, guys,
the Captain's gone.

You're too late.
He came in yesterday,

he grabbed some stuff,
and he just left.

For how long?

He didn't say.

I won't need these any more.

Uh, excuse me,
what's going on?

The Fountain is blessed.
Exodus 23.

"And ye shall serve
the Lord Your God,

"and He shall bless
thy bread and thy water,

"and I will take the sickness
from amidst thee."

No kidding.
We're looking for a friend of ours.

Um...

They found his car
parked out front.

No, I haven't
seen him. Sorry.

Mr. Monk, look at all these people.
They really believe in it.

They're people.
They'll believe anything.

Mr. Monk, you should try it.

You should drink
from the fountain.

You can't be serious.

But you're in so much
pain all the time.

What if there's something
to it? You know?

I mean, anything's possible.

That's not exactly true.

A lot of things are,
what we call, impossible.

It's the opposite of possible.
I'll give you an example.

Um... This.

Hallelujah!

Excuse me, we're looking
for a friend of ours.

Leland.

He was here?

He still is.

Wow, it's beautiful.

Is it? If you say so.

Hello. I'm Brother Andrew.

Oh. Hi, I'm Natalie Teeger,
and this is Adrian Monk.

Mr. Monk and the monk.

Sorry.
Are you allowed to laugh?

We've been known to chuckle.

We're looking for a friend of ours,
Leland Stottlemeyer.

Yes. Brother Leland.

Brother Leland?

Can we talk to him?

I'm afraid
that's not possible.

Brother Leland has taken
a vow of silence.

Well, could we just see him?
We won't say a word.

We're investigating this homicide.
It's very, very important.

You may go.

But I'm afraid, Miss Teeger,
you're not permitted beyond the foyer.

Continue down the hall
and up the stairs, Mr. Monk.

Captain? Captain?

Shh.

Sorry,
I'm just looking for...

Shh.

A friend of mine.
Here's the thing.

Shh.

Here's the thing.
Shh.

Here's the...
Shh.

Here's the...
Shh.

Here's the...
Shh.

Here's the...
Shh.

Here's...
Shh.

Shh.

Here's...
Shh.

Here's...
Shh.

Here's the...
Shh.

Here's the thing.
Shh.

Here, here, here...

Doesn't matter.
Shh.

Captain?

Captain?

Leland?

Are you okay?

I'm sorry to bother you, but I... Shh.

It's about...

Bum who was

killed.

He was at your house
the night he was murdered.

Did you see him?

Leland,

why are you here?

The ceiling is beautiful.

God. God.

He spoke to you.

What did he say?

"My dear friends.

"Drinking from that fountain has healed me,
not just physically, spiritually too.

"I've made a decision.

"I'm leaving on Thursday morning,
Christmas Day,

"to spend two years at a
mission in Carmona, Spain,

"to cleanse myself
and start anew."

Two years?

"I want everyone to know

"I am not running away
from anything.

"I'm running
toward something,

"something true
and wonderful.

"God bless you all.
Brother Leland."

Here's his badge.

Two years?

That's almost three years.

Without the Captain?

What am I supposed to do?

It's almost as if he
didn't even consider me.

Well, maybe,
he knows what he's doing.

Yeah, maybe,
we should be happy for him.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, let me try.

No, that's not
going to happen.

Mr. Monk,

why don't you try it?
Try what?

Drinking from the fountain.
It worked for the captain.

I don't think so.

Oh, God,
Mr. Monk, come on,

you have to
believe in something.

I don't know what I'd do
if I didn't think

I'd see Mitch again.

What? You mean in heaven?

Of course in heaven.
Where'd you think I was going?

Well, you know,
the drinking and you kissed a leper.

You think
I'm going to hell?

She kissed a leper.
Okay, Mr. Monk.

Seriously, seriously, deep down,
in your heart of hearts,

don't you believe that
you'll see Trudy again?

All right, you know what,
come on. We'll be back in an hour.

Don't open any
Christmas presents.

Where are we going?

This can count
as my Christmas gift.

Where are we going?

You look thirsty.
I think you need a drink.

No.

Katie?
What are you doing here?

I told you,
we can't be seen together.

You're going to
ruin everything.

Are you going somewhere?

I...

I can't do it
anymore, Owen.

I'm sorry.

These people, they're coming
from all over now,

and some of them
are really sick.

So what?

You're not there.

I mean, they're
throwing their medicine away.

They really believe
in the fountain.

That was the whole idea.

I promise I won't tell anyone.
I just want to get away.

Don't be a child.

Nobody's going anywhere.

You and I, both,
know what's under that fountain.

You're in this now,
we're both in it.

Understand?

Don't worry, darling.

It's almost over.

I can't do it.
Oh, Mr. Monk, come on.

I can't.
Please.

Look, it's
the Captain's cane.

Yeah, it's part
of the ritual,

because he didn't need it
any more. Please drink.

Natalie.

What? What is it?

These pills.

Half the bottles...
More than half

are from the same pharmacy.

There's something
wrong here.

Here, let's put this
in your bag.

Yeah.

Let's take some more.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, ma'am.
I'm afraid you have to stay back.

This may be a crime scene.

Crime scene?
Conspiracy. Probably fraud.

It isn't fraud.
It was murder.

This has gone on long enough.
It wasn't me.

I didn't even
know him then.

Nine years ago,
my fiance caught his business partner

stealing money
and killed him.

Your fiance?

Owen McCloskey.

He filled those prescriptions.

The pharmacist.

Captain? Captain?
Captain, you can't go to Spain.

Without knowing
the truth.

Shh.

It wasn't a miracle.

The water in the fountain,
it was all a hoax.

I'm sorry, Captain.

It was the pharmacist,
Owen McCloskey.

He killed Willie T.

Here's what
happened

McCloskey killed his partner

and buried him here

Nine years later

Planning to renovate

Body would be discovered

He couldn't
dig up the body

They had built
a fountain there

He had to stop them
from digging

He started changing
their prescriptions

to make his patients sicker

That's why you
never got better

He did it to everyone

He painted that sign
on your door

Willie, the bum,
must have seen him

That's why McCloskey
killed him

Amen.

So he was messing with
everybody's medication,

making us all sicker.

And then, he sent us
to that fountain.

That's it.

So, after we drank,

he'd give us some
real medication.

Making us all feel better.

And it worked.

The fountain became a shrine,
a sacred place.

Yeah, which, of course,
they would never dig up.

Well, so much for miracles.

Thank you, Mr. Monk.
This is the best Christmas I can remember.

I was just doing my job.

No, it wasn't just that.
Thanks for the caring.

Well, the caring part
was mostly Natalie.

We wanted to give you something.
We made it ourselves.

It's gravy.

I can't take that.

No, we insist.
After all you done for us.

No, no, no.
He means he literally can't take it.

I got it, though.
Thank you so much.

Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.
Thank you so much.

We really appreciate it.
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

You believe this?

- That's genuine.
- Look at that label.

McCloskey's already talking.

We're digging up
the fountain tomorrow, too.

I'm sorry you had to
go through all that.

I'm not.

How's that?

I'm not sorry.

I know it's all a hoax,
I know it's a big con game,

but it felt real.
That's all I can say.

Randy, when I drank that
water, something happened.

It was like a slate inside me was
wiped clean and I started over.

And it felt great.

Hey, you know
what I'm going to do?

I'm going to call my son.
Oh, no, no, hang on. Wait a minute.

I almost forgot.
This is for you.

Merry Christmas.

Jared, hey,
I was just about to call you.

Yeah, I love you, too.

It's a razor.
Is this for me?

Shave it.

Why, yeah,
I'd love to see you.

Well, I'm free all weekend.

That'd be great.

What if I grow a
little goatee, instead?

No. Friday. Friday.
Yeah, Friday night,

I'll pick you up
at the airport.

What about sideburns?
I could do sideburns.

Like, probably down to the
bottom of my ears I bet.

Mutton chops.
No.

Hey, look. Friday night,
I'll meet you at the airport.

Soul patch. I could do
a soul patch, right there.

Really?

What's her name?

Awesome. That's great.

Cool.

I'll be in the car.
Okay.

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