Monk (2002–2009): Season 5, Episode 5 - Mr. Monk, Private Eye - full transcript

Look at that skyline.

It's the second most beautiful
sight in the world.

The most beautiful is you.

Standing in front of me.

Are you okay?

You... you didn't say five words
at dinner.

Jay, remember you said
we couldn't go out on like this.

You said I had to make a decision.

You were right.

I'm going back to Eric.

- I'm going to try and make it work.
- What?



He's my husband, Jay.

I tried to tell you at dinner.
I don't know.

I didn't want to ruin your birthday.

Let's go somewhere.
Just the two of us.

We can go to Bahia Tortolo
for the week.

I can get Dr. Eastman to cover
my patients.

No, Jay, you're not listening.
It's over.

We can leave on Monday.

- The boat's already stocked up.
- What is your problem?

I'm not going anywhere with you
except back to shore.

Whatever you say.

Please.

Just take me home.

I suppose you've told Eric everything.



Are you kidding?

You haven't told anyone?

I'm not exactly proud of this.

So it's like it never happened.

That's one way to look at it.

Never happened.

MONK Season 5 Epi. 5
Mr. Monk, Private Eye

Mr. Monk?

Hello?

- What's going on?
- Making lunch.

And what's wrong with those?

Uh, those are not quite up to snuff.

You know me.
It's got to be snuff.

What's that?

It's a surprise.

Did I ever tell you about my
grandpa, Neville Davenport?

No, is he in the box?

He was a great man.
You remind me of him, actually.

He was an assistant pharmacist
in London.

And then, when he was about you age,
he completely changed his life.

Just like that.

He quit his job and started a
toothpaste company in England.

A toothpaste company in England.
I mean, talk about optimism.

And now, it's the third biggest brand
in the world after Colgate and Crest.

Ah, I love that story.

I guess my favorite part is about
the toothpaste company.

Mr. Monk, there's
a point to this story.

I don't think so.
I've been listening very carefully.

Okay, so I've been thinking
about this. And, uh...

I think you should start your
own company.

Be a private investigator.

I mean, really go for it.
Hire a PR person.

Be aggressive. Advertise.
Get new clients.

Um... / Mr. Monk, there are other
detectives out there

with a fraction of your talent
who are getting rich.

You're Adrian Monk.

People will pay a fortune to hire you.

Yeah, that's something to
think about.

I thought you'd say that, so I did
what Grandpa Neville did, and...

I took the initiative.

A. Monk Private Investigations.

$85?
That's 85 cents a card.

Mr. Monk, that doesn't matter.
You can't be afraid to take risks.

I think I can.

In fact, I think I already am.
Hold on.

Germs, heights, snakes, milk,
needles, risk.

Yeah, it's on there.

Number six.

You know what Grandpa Neville's
favorite expression was?

"Leap and the net will appear."

Well, he sounds like a very
pleasant, very insane person.

It's not even at the right address.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Shunpike Road.
That's all the way downtown.

- It's the right address.
- It isn't.

Yes, it is.

Can I open my eyes now?

Mr. Monk, your eyes are opened.

When Grandpa Neville first started out,

I swear to you his
office looked just like this.

Okay, so this is my desk.
And yours is in there.

So when the clients come in,
they sit there.

But then they come in here and
talk to me.

And if I think they're legit, then
I send them in to you.

- What clients?
- Oh, they'll be calling.

I took out some ads on the Internet
and in the phone book.

- Uh, Natalie, you can't afford this.
- Actually, you're paying for it.

- I can't afford this.
- Oh, yes, you can.

Remember last month
when you got that bonus

after solving the Kensington case?

No. / That's because I used it for
a down payment.

Grownups have a word for that.
We call it embezzlement.

- Don't tell me... Grandpa Neville.
- That's Grandpa Neville.

Well, it's only fitting that we have
his picture up.

After all, he is our inspiration, right?

Leap and a net will appear.

Okay, I appreciate what you're
trying to do here.

I really do, but, uh...

I have a job.

I am a consultant for
the police department.

Not full time. And, Mr. Monk,
they haven't called in weeks.

Which is fine with me.
I am not an ambitious man.

- I am not Grandpa Neville.
- You just give it a few months.

I'm sorry... Months?

Okay, a few weeks.
You'll see.

It's gonna be great.
Trust me.

You'll see.

How about Hamburg?

I am into yoga, Pilates, getting in
touch with my spirituality...

Been there, married that.

"My hobbies include bike riding,
running, cuddling."

Captain?
You got a second?

Uh, yeah, um...

Hang on, Randy.

Uh, just a minute.

Hang on.

You okay? / Yeah!

Yeah.

This is, um... classified,
need-to-know stuff.

- What's going on?
- Missing schoolteacher.

Husband's looking better and better.

I talked to a neighbor...
trouble in paradise.

Anna Pollard's been talking to a lawyer
four months ago about filing for a separation.

No kidding? He told me that
it was one long honeymoon.

Randy, that man lied to us.
I need to talk to him again.

Yes, sir.

I didn't know you like bossa nova.

Uh, that was, um...

It was... There was an undercover sting
operation going on with the Vice.

Okay, I admit it. I, um...

I signed on.
I was curious.

Tell your cousin that I was just
joking around. / That's okay.

You can tell her yourself.
You've been talking to her all week.

- She's Sexy In Sonoma.
- Wait, that's your cousin?

When did you put in a hot tub?

- I didn't put in a hot tub.
- She said you put in a hot tub.

I had a hot tub
when I was at the motel.

Oh, that must be it.

Adrian Monk Investigations.
What is the nature of your problem?

Being kept in a room
against my will.

You were kidnapped?

Oh, my God.
Hold on, hold on.

Do you know who did it?

Yes, it was my personal assistant.

Her name is Natalie Teeger.

Natalie...

It's been two days.

You're human.
You made a mistake.

- It's not a mistake.
- It's a mistake.

Okay, it took Grandpa Neville's
business a whole year before it took off.

You know...

Not everybody feels the same way
you do about Grandpa Neville.

For example, I was just thinking
how much fun it would be

to dig up his body and poke it
with a big stick.

Who's Grandpa Neville?

And why are we poking him with a stick?

Adrian Monk?
I'm Linda Fusco.

Wait, do I know you?

- Are you an actress?
- Real estate.

Oh, oh, oh, Linda Fusco Realty.
On bus stops and billboards.

Wow, I can't believe Larry finally
rented this dump out.

How much is he getting,
3000 a month?

3200. / Whoa, boy.
He's having you for lunch.

Next time, you come to me.

Adrian, I've been asking around.
Cops, reporters...

And they all say that
you are the man.

Well, I'm a man.

Oh, no, no, no.
He's just being modest.

He is the man.
He is the gold standard.

He is like Philip Marlow and
Sherlock Holmes just rolled into...

Sweetheart, I'm showing a condo
in 20 minutes.

So let's get this going.
Follow me.

Where are we going?

It's right out here.

- This is it.
- That's a nice car.

This is a Lucerne 275 North star V8.

I get a new Buick every year.
It's my trademark.

See?

There's a scratch.

It's a dent.

It's a dent.

Here and here.
Son of a bitch.

And he left this on the windshield.

"Go to Nell."
Who's Nell?

Mr. Monk, I think that's an H.

- So will you take the case?
- What case is that?

This is it.
This is the case.

The dented fender?

Yes.

It happened at the Marina
Wednesday morning.

I have a boat there.

I got there at ten to six
to pick something up,

and then I came back
20 minutes later and...

Mrs. Fusco...

Ms. Fusco. / Miss Fusco.

Ms.

Linda... Linda, you must be insured.

But why should I pay for something
that I didn't do?

I love this car.
This is my baby.

And I want you to find that
son of a bitch, Mr. Adrian Monk,

and make him pay for it.

- Yeah, it's a matter of principle.
- Exactly.

We'll take the case. I'll draw up
the contracts. We get $400 a day.

I'll pay you $3000 if you catch the
son of a bitch.

And if you don't you get zip.

I work on commission.
Why shouldn't you?

Could I talk to you for a second?

- Can we go home now?
- I think we should do it.

Natalie, it's a fender bender.
It's not even a real crime.

It's a crime.
It's a misdemeanor or something.

Mr. Monk, we have to start
somewhere.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Well, what's it gonna be?

Are we in business?

Yes, ma'am.
We're on the case.

So according to this snap shots
looks like her Buick was parked over there.

So maybe somebody backed up.

What do you think?

Natalie, what are we doing here?
I'm a homicide detective.

Mr. Monk, I know it's not the crime
of the century,

but someone did this to her,
and Linda Fusco deserves justice too.

Okay, what's next?
Getting cats out of trees?

Chasing jaywalkers?

You know, Grandpa Neville used to
always say...

Grandpa Neville used to say a man's
reputation... / Okay, okay.

Okay, I'll do it.
I'll do it.

I'll do it. Anything but another
Grandpa Neville story.

Thank you.

You're right.

You're right.
He backed out... like this.

He must've gone this way.

He went the wrong way.

Why was he going the wrong way?

Video camera covering the exit.

- He didn't want to be taped.
- Oh, oh, oh!

That's good.
Now we're cooking!

Yeah. Now we're cooking.

So if he didn't want to be taped,

- why would he leave a note?
- Maybe there was a witness.

Somebody saw the accident,
was watching him...

Maybe the perpetrator thought
that if he just drove away,

the witness would report it.

So he got out

- and pretended to leave a note.
- Okay. All right.

So we have to just find that witness.

Ah, where should we start?

We might wanna start with Bill Gibbard.

Bill Gibbard.
That's great. That's great!

Oh, it's exciting!

Oh, yeah.
This is a thrill a minute.

Hello, there.
Hi.

We're looking for Mr. Gibbard.

Captain Gibbard,
and you're looking at him.

What's left of him.

But I can't help you today, missy.

Got... bull kelp.

It's fouling my propeller something
terrible every time I go out past the southeast barrier.

Avoid the southeast barrier.
That's my advice.

Okay. That's some great advice.
Thank you.

- What kind of dog is that?
- He's just a mutt.

Oh, yeah.
How long do they live?

Captain, this is Adrian Monk.

- Monk?
- Yeah, he's a private investigator.

We wanted to talk to you about
a car accident

that happened in that parking lot
on Wednesday morning at 6:00.

I wasn't here.

Your sign says that you're here
at dawn every day.

Well, I guess I must've been.

But I didn't see nothing.

You heard it though, right?

It's only a couple hundred feet away.

Are you calling me a liar, Mr. Monk?

Whoa, what are you doing?

I don't like private investigators.

Neither do I.
It was her idea.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's jut settle down here.

Captain, if you happen to remember
anything, could you please give us a call?

- Here's our card.
- What are you doing?

- It's 85 cents.
- Let go of the card, Mr. Monk.

Let go of the card!
Let g...

Here you go.
Thank you for your time, Captain.

Let's go.

- You owe me 85 cents.
- Fine. Take it out of my paycheck.

- Don't think I won't.
- How'd you get so cheap? Really?

I work for a living.
All right?

At least, I used to.

Now I just get bull kelp splashed on me.

I really think that's an N.

- It's not an N, Mr. Monk.
- What if it is?

What if there is somebody out there
named Nell who's got all the answers?

What is this red swirl?

I really think that's a brand name
or a logo.

It looks like a J.

Or a T.

- Did you see this?
- What?

- That's wax.
- What...

See? That's a clue.

- Isn't this fun?
- No.

Hello.

I'm looking for Sam Spade.

Nice place.
Looks like a real office.

It is a real office.

I didn't know you had it in you.

How's business?

- It's...
- Good, good, good.

We're building a client base.
One client at a time.

Really?
What are you working on?

We're actually in the middle of
something very big.

Very exciting.
Challenging.

- Homicide?
- Ha... ha.

No, it's more of a property damage thing.

Can't really talk about it.
Confidentiality.

- Is this Mitch?
- No, that's not Mitch.

- Does that look like Mitch?
- I don't know.

That's my grandfather.
That's Neville Davenport.

He's our patron saint.

Was he a detective?

Nah...
No.

He was the famous toothpaste tycoon.

Help me. / What?

Help me!
She's gone mad.

Actually, I was hoping that you might
be able to help us.

We hit a wall on that missing
schoolteacher.

- You got a minute?
- Sure.

We might be missing something.

Her car... We found it in a parking lot at
a shopping mall ten miles from the house.

Was it locked?

Locked, no purse,
no third party prints.

She told her husband that
she was going shopping.

Now, either she lied to him,
or he's lying to us,

or somebody grabbed
her in the parking lot.

- Where was he?
- He says he was at home.

He's now admitting that they were
on the rocks.

But I don't think he's the guy.

- Phone records?
- We're still checking.

- Last seen wearing?
- According to the husband,

a light colored dress, sweater,
and a pair of yellow flip-flops.

I think I'm a little jealous.

Are you seeing other clients behind
my back?

Ms. Fusco, no, no, no.
These aren't clients.

These are former colleagues.

This is Randy Disher, and this is...

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.

- Linda Fusco.
- I know who you are.

I've seen your billboards.

Actually, we just saw one yesterday.

Captain said that you looked really...

Nothing.

He didn't say anything...

which is strange, because he's
usually pretty talkative.

The sign said that you were the
number one realtor in Northern California.

Tell me something I don't know.

The elephant's the only mammal
that can't jump.

Pardon me?

You said tell you something
you don't know.

And I told you that the only mammal
who can't jump is your elephant.

Ms. Fusco, can we help you?

Yes, I would like to drop this off.

Here is an estimate
from the body shop.

My new bumper's going to cost $900.

And when you find this son of a bitch,
I want you to make him eat this.

Wait a minute.
This is your big case?

A fender bender.

How'd you keep this out of the papers?

It is important to me,
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.

By the way, sorry about the divorce.

I've been in real estate for 14 years,

and I can smell divorce from
100 yards away.

Who's couch are you sleeping on?

Actually, I'm not sleeping on a couch.

It's a futon.

Thank you, Randy.

Well, when you are ready
for your own apartment,

why don't you give me a call?

- Maybe I will.
- Oh, I know you will.

As a matter of fact, I could show you
a couple of things right now.

As a matter of fact,
I've got a little time right now.

- My car or yours?
- No, I always do the driving.

I'll bet you do.

Let's go.

Randy. / Yes, sir.

Why don't you stay here?

- And?
- And not come with us.

See you back at the station.

Whoo!
That was fast.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.

Oh, hey, I've been there.

- Where?
- Joel's. It's good.

It's a bar on Stanton.

I recognize the J.

I told you that was a J.

Is that important?

Hi.

Hi, there.
Welcome to Joel's.

Do you have a reservation?

Actually, we'd like to ask you
a couple of questions.

- Do you have a card?
- A card, yes.

- Well, give it to her.
- She can see it.

You can see it, right?

- You're a private eye.
- Yeah, is this...

Is this from here?

Yes, that's one of our doggie bags.

Right, we found some wax on it.

Blue and pink thought it might
be from a candle.

Yeah, was there anybody here
celebrating a birthday here recently?

Maybe Tuesday night?

We're thinking he had a birthday cake and
then brought it home in one of these bags.

Mm-hmm, yeah.
There was this guy.

He was sitting over there.

Can I help you with something, my man?

Oh, yes, uh, this man is a private
investigator. And we would love...

Yeah, I wasn't really
talking to you, honey.

Can I help you with something, my man?

Maybe, maybe.

We're looking for somebody who
was here on Tuesday night.

We don't really talk about
our customers.

People come here, want privacy.

We respect that, so...

You guys should probably just
take a hike.

Here's the thing.

The man I'm looking for may be
responsible for a hit and run.

Good for him.
Now beat it.

Here's the thing...

That's the thing.

Get him out of here.

Oh, Natalie.

Oh, God, Mr. Monk.
Don't try to talk.

For the love of God, I'm begging you.

Let's just go home, please.

Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry.

Oh, God, are you okay?
I'm so sorry about Hal.

He can be such a creep.
Listen, listen.

This guy you're looking for, okay,
Jay Bennett.

He's a regular.
I think he's a doctor.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, card. / What?

Can you get the card back?
She gave us a name.

- She doesn't need the card.
- W... wait.

Excuse me, do you still have that
business card?

Oh, yeah.
Sorry, it's a little bent.

Okay, thank you.

Here, Mr. Monk.
Here, here, here.

Here's the card.

There, okay. okay.

Watch your step.

Eggy doesn't like you.

The feeling's mutual.
Let's get this over with.

- You wanna count it?
- It's not enough.

What are you talking about?
We have a deal.

- That was before.
- Before what?

Before a private investigator came
poking around.

Monk?

What'd you tell him?

It's what I didn't tell him.

I didn't tell him that you left here on
Tuesday night with a certain young lady

and that you came back Wednesday
morning, and you were alone.

Now, if I'm gonna be talking to private eyes
or maybe even the cops,

it's gonna be double.

Okay.

I'll double it.

But after that, forget it.
Here's the first half.

Shut up.

Are you sure you're okay?

When I was a detective or a consultant,

I would point to the bad guy,
and the cops would go in.

And they would get shot at, or beat up,
or hit in the stomach.

And it was a wonderful system.
See, everybody was happy.

Okay, Mr. Monk, we can't just
give up now.

Oh, good. There it is.
Dr. J. Bennett

Okay.

Please, please, please,
please, please?

Ah! / What?
What do you think?

It's been repaired recently.

The headlights don't match.
That one's new.

Left one's dirty.

Can I help you?

- Dr. Bennett?
- That's right.

Hi, I'm Natalie Teeger,

and this is my boss.
This is Adrian Monk.

Monk? / Yes, uh...
I'm working for the San Francis...

I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm...
I'm a consultant.

I used to be a...

I don't know what the hell I am.

He's a private investigator, Dr. Bennett.

Were you in the marina
Wednesday morning? / No.

You do keep a boat there, right?

Uh... / All right.
Let's get this over with.

You know what happened on
Wednesday morning and so do we.

- You do?
- Are you gonna deny it?

I, uh...

I don't think I should talk about this.
I think I should call a lawyer.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't think we need to
drag lawyers into this.

They're just gonna, you know...

Blah, blah, blah.
Make a federal case out of it.

- It was an accident, right?
- That's right.

I mean, these things
happen every day, right?

Uh, well...

- It's not a big deal.
- Not a big deal?

What kind of cop are you?

Come on, you pay a few bucks.
Everybody walks away.

It's like it never happened.

- What are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?

- What are you talking about?
- What's he talking about?

We are talking about this.

We have a client.

You hit her Buick.

And you damaged the fender.

- Her fender?
- Yes, it's going to cost her $900.

Plus, I think an apology would be nice.

Yeah, what did you think we were
talking about?

I don't know, but you got the wrong guy.

The wrong guy...

Come on!

It's a new headlight.

You're so smart?
Prove it.

Excuse me.

Hold on.
Wait a minute.

- I don't believe this.
- What?

I'm actually starting to care
about this case.

This stupid $900 fender bender.

How the hell did that happen?

There's brand new carpeting.

There's a washer and
dryer in the basement.

And there is a park right down the
street for your kids.

When they come to visit.

The one that we saw yesterday
was bigger, right?

That's true,
but this one has a better view.

How do you figure?

You see this condo here with the
umbrella on the balcony?

Yeah. / That's me.

You're right.
The view is better.

How much is it?

It's $2250 a month, plus utilities.

I don't know.

Leland, it's been five months.

It's time to do this.

Do you think?

Unfortunately, I speak from experience.

I know you're in pain, but you
can't go around it.

You gotta go through it.

Besides, we'll have
something in common.

Really?
What's that?

I'll have a better view too.

I think there it is.
That's his boat.

All right, so his car wasn't
in the lot, so, uh...

- Let's do it.
- Wait.

Don't.
We don't have a warrant.

We don't need a warrant.
It's a boat.

Well, that's completely false,
but it sounds good.

Let's do it. / Wait.

I can't go.
The boat is on the water.

I don't do water.

You can't swim?

- To be honest, I don't know.
- You don't know.

I mean, I know how to swim...
technically.

I've just never... actually, you know,
done it.

All right, I took a correspondence course.

You learned to swim by mail?

They sent me a little diploma.

And this.

"Swimming Fundamentals.
Don't panic.

Breathe normally.
Keep kicking."

Can I have that back?

Why did you even take the course?
You never go near the water.

- Hello? Tsunamis.
- Mr. Monk. You don't have to worry.

You're not even gonna get wet.
Look, look, look, look.

That boat is tied to the dock.
The dock is bolted down.

It's like part of the land.
I'll stay here.

If Dr. Bennett shows up,
I'll whistle.

Leap, and a net will appear.

Kelp.

Jump. Jump on.

Jump.

Jump.

Go, go.

Hey.

Hey, fella.

Hey, remember me?
What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It says, uh, personal reference.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Excuse me.

Stottlemeyer.

Captain, it's me.
It's Natalie.

I'm at the marina.
I'm at Pier 24.

Natalie, I'm a little busy right now.

There's a body.
It's in the water.

I think it's Bill Gibbard.

Mr. Monk and I were just talking
to him yesterday.

Okay, listen, don't touch anything.
I'll call the harbor patrol.

- Be there in a minute.
- Okay. Okay.

No, no, no, no, Mr. Monk!

Mr. Monk!

Stottlemeyer. / Sir.

- How you doing?
- Fine.

Hey, Lieutenant.

- What's going on?
- Oh, you know, a little bit of everything.

A local fisherman drowned.
ME's on his way.

And Monk is stowed away on a boat.

- And the boat took off.
- What?

We were here and
we working on Linda's case.

The fender bender? / Yeah, we
have a suspect... Jay Bennett.

And Mr. Monk snuck on the boat
to look around.

It's all my fault.
I just kept on pushing him.

Jay Bennett.
Dr. Jay Bennett?

That name just came up on the
missing schoolteacher, Anna Pollard.

His name's all over
the phone records, too.

I was just going through them.
Dr. Jay Bennett.

Tuesday night.

Tuesday night, he dumped her
body in the bay.

And then he came back here...

He must've hit your car in the
parking lot while he was leaving.

That's why he didn't leave his
name on the note.

He could not admit that he'd been here.

We need to intercept the boat.

How soon can you
get a cutter out here?

10, maybe 15 minutes.

Damn it.

I have a boat.

This isn't about a dented feder, is it?

You figured that out, huh,
Mr. Private Eye?

Is this where you killed her?

Back up.

Against the railing.

Here's the thing.

I... I don't really think I can swim.

I took a course.

But, I never actually, technically...

It doesn't matter.

You're gonna be dead before you
hit the water.

First, the shoe.

"Don't panic."
Forget that.

"Breath normally.

Flutter kicks. Hand..."

Right.

Bennett's in custody.
Coast Guard just intercepted his boat.

Was Mr. Monk with him?

Hey, there he is!
There's Monk!

- Where?
- 20 degrees to port.

Is he swimming? / What's that
beside him? Is it a life preserver?

Ah, looks like a toilet seat.

Well, if it's floating,
why doesn't he just grab it?

- Oh... too hard to explain.
- Complicated story.

- It's just a weird thing.
- Monk! / Hey!

What?

What did he say?

He said, "Leap and a net will appear,
my ass."

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
Here, here, here.

S... Southeast barrier.

Southeast barrier?
What about it?

Her body...
That's where he dumped her.

- He told you that?
- No.

Kelp.
Bull kelp.

It was on his anchor.

It's still wet... from the b... barrier.

Okay, we'll get some divers out
there straight away.

This is Disher.

We need divers out at the
southeast barrier.

Oh, Mr. Monk.
I'm sorry.

Uh... sorry, sorry.

Sorry about the net thing.

Oh!

Yeah?

It's next to the refrigerator.

The other side.

Thank you.

See you around the neighborhood.

I guess you will.

All right.

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