Monk (2002–2009): Season 5, Episode 12 - Mr. Monk Is at Your Service - full transcript

While looking
at the design right here.

You said it would sleep six.

A bunk bed?

Are you mental?

I'm not gonna sleep on a bunk bed.

What is this? A luxury yacht
or a summer camp.

It's 4:00, sir.
I have your Manhattan.

Formica?

I want mahogany from the stern
to the... to the other end.

Well, I hope so. Because I swear to God,
if you don't, I will cancel this contract.

He thinks I'm bluffing.



Do you think bluffing?

I wouldn't know, sir.

You miss them, don't you?

It was the worst day of my life, sir.

I'm sure you feel the same way.

Will that be all, sir?

As a matter of fact, there's

something I wanna talk to you about.

I received another
one of your letters.

Don't try to deny that it was you.

Before I made the last drop,

I marked the bills.

Then I found them in your room.

Since when is blackmail
on your list of duties?



Master Paul, I don't know
what to say.

I wasn't thinking straight.

You weren't thinking straight?

No, sir. The grief. Your father's death
and your step-mother.

It won't happen again.

Well, you got that right.

Thank you, Stilson.

That'll be all.

MONK Season 5 Epi. 12
Mr. Monk is at Your Service

All right. What...
what's this all about, Adrian?

Come on.
Let's have it.

Ah, police announce hiring freeze.

A hiring freeze for the
next four years.

By then I'll be too old to
be reinstated. So that's it.

I'll never be a cop again.

All right, Adrian, I am truly sorry.
I know how much reinstatement means to you.

Only everything.

It's my reason for living,
that's all.

What do I do now?

I think you go back to what
you've been doing. Consulting.

For how long?

I haven't had a new client in weeks.
The department hasn't renewed my contract.

You know, Adrian, I think this is an
opportunity for you to make a decision,

a very important decision.

Now, you can let this news
completely depress you...

Okay.
Thank you.

Or... you can look at this
like an opportunity.

A chance for you to reassess
your life, start over,

do something completely different.

Different.

Yeah.

Different can be good.

Different... good?

Different... good.

Adrian, it's not too late.

You know, Winston Churchill did not
become Prime Minister until he was 60.

What are you talking about?

- I'll never become Prime Minister.
- No, no, I'm not saying that...

I don't even live in England.
Even if I did, I...

- I'd be such a long shot.
- Adrian.

It's just an example.

What do I do now?

And right then, I promised myself
I would never fly commercial again.

- Thank you.
- Mom, it's not even 12:00.

It's 12:05.

Bobby, can i ask you something?

Do you love your job?

Yes, I do.

- What do you do exactly?
- He inherits money.

I could do that.
I bet I'd be good at that.

There's a hiring freeze at the department,
but we're working through it, right?

We'll figure something out.
There's always hope.

- There's never hope.
- Sue, there is.

There's never hope.
I wish I drank.

Is it wonderful?

Yeah, it's pretty great.

Oh, you know who asked about you?

Paul Buchanan.

No, thank you.

Sweetheart, I really don't think
you can be so picky.

You aren't getting any younger, you know.

Who's Paul Buchanan?

He lives in the big house up the road.

The big house?
This isn't the big house?

He's always had a think for Natalie.

He's proposed to her twice.

He's a creep. He's a spoiled, arrogant,
creepy creep who's just... He's very creepy.

Now, now.
He's a good man.

You know, that poor boy.

He's been through so much.
You heard what happened with his parents.

It's the most incredible story.
They died within ten minutes of each other.

- Within ten minutes?
- Yeah, it was about a year ago.

Ralph and Camilla, that's
Paul's stepmother,

were driving home,
and they were in his little sports car.

That one he brought over from England.

It was a Morgan, a beautiful machine.
Ralph collected antique cars.

Yeah, well, anyway,
they never made it home.

It was about 8:30 at night. And they were
coming around that dangerous curve

at the end of Sweeney Road.
The one with the big rock.

I... I think we passed it when
we were coming up.

Isn't there a sign that says slow down?

Obviously Ralph ignored that because the
police said he had to be doing at least 80.

Let's say that this is the car.
All right?

Now, this is a Ralph, and
this is Camilla.

Now, they come speeding
around that curve.

They hit the guard rail.

And Camilla wasn't wearing
a seat belt, goes flying and boom.

Hits her head on the big rock.

Honey, don't use the pate.

That is not pate, darling.
That is the big rock.

And then Ralph calls 911 on his cell.

Oh, it gets worse. He had
a heart attack right there on the phone.

While he's calling for help.

So the road curves to the right.
And she was thrown from the car?

Yeah, right this.

But if it was a Morgan,
a British car, then...

then she would have been sitting
on the left.

How did she hit the rock?

You know what else?
I remember driving with Mr. Buchanan.

He was the pokiest driver in the world.
We used to tease him about it.

He would not start the car
unless you fastened your seatbelts.

- You wanna check it out?
- Ah, it's probably nothing.

No, let's check it out. / Natalie, it
doesn't matter. I'm not a detective anymore.

Daddy, give me your wallet. / Uh-oh.

- Brings back memories, doesn't it?
- Yes.

Okay.
Here you go.

I am hiring you.
We are checking it out.

Well, this section of the guard rail is new.

It must have happened right here.

Car was heading west.
It went off the road here.

So you were right.
She couldn't have hit that rock.

It's hard to tell without seeing
the police report.

Maybe the car flipped over.
Maybe it spun around.

No, I think he did it.
I think he killed his parents.

You really don't like this guy, do you?
What did he ever do to you?

You really wanna know? / No.

What is that noise?

Oh, frogs.

They live in that pond over there.
It's mating season. They go crazy every year.

Frogs... Frog, frog, frog, frog,
frog, frog, frog, frog, frog.

Are you afraid of frogs? / I don't know.
I've never been this close to one.

Yes.
The answer is yes.

Put the frogs on the list.
Where's the list?

Okay, kay, kay, kay.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

- Where does it go?
- Put them between...

possums and, uh... soccer riots.

No, no, no.

Uh, after... after soccer riots.
And before, uh, before...

before hailstones.
Yeah, so it goes...

I got it, I got it...
Soccer riots, frogs, hailstones.

At least now we know.

Information really is power.

I'm gonna call my parents and
tell them we're gonna be late.

Wait, there's no signal.
There's no service at all.

Are you sure?

How could Ralph Buchanan have
called for help?

He couldn't.

He didn't.

Wow.

I know. I know.
Wow, 14 bedrooms.

And he wanted to marry you.

Hey, let me just tell you about
Paul Buchanan.

He basically stalked me
for three years.

All during high school he just
kept on asking me out.

He wouldn't take "drop dead"
for an answer.

The week before my senior prom,
somebody mugged my boyfriend.

They broke his jaw and
both his legs.

14 bedrooms.

Mr. Monk. He beat up my boyfriend
or hired some thug to do it.

He thinks he can get away
with anything.

- Like killing his father?
- I wouldn't put it past him.

All right, so the garage is back there.
The Morgan is inside.

He hasn't even bothered to fix it.

- How do you know?
- My father saw it the last time he was here.

Okay. Okay.
Let's take a look.

I can't go in.
I'll meet you back here in ten minutes.

What are you talking about?
I'm not going in there alone.

That would be like me...
going in some place alone.

Mr. Monk, if he sees you,
you can talk your way out of it.

If he sees me, it'd be horrible.
It'd be like high school all over again.

I can't.
Here, in case you need it.

Natalie, I really think
you're overreacting here.

this was 20 years ago.
People get older. They mature...

Can I help you?
What the hell are you doing?

Sorry.
I, uh...

Are you here for the job interview?

Yes, the interview.
Exactly.

Follow me.
He's been waiting for you.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

This is in case the interview
doesn't go well.

Just joking.

I was doing a little hunting.

All right, so you're here
from the agency.

- Where's your resume?
- I lost it.

You lost your resume.
Well.

- It doesn't bode well, does it?
- No.

- What's your name?
- Adrian.

Adrian?

Melville.
Adrian Melville.

Huh.

What's with this place?

I had friends over last night.
The room was a mess.

While I was waiting, I sort of
tidied up.

Well, I'm impressed.
Very well done, Adrian Melville.

Thank you.

- Did you do this?
- Yeah, sorry.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

In 20 minutes. I've been working
on this puzzle for a month.

Sorry, I'll mess it up again.
I think I remember exactly how to...

No, no, no, no. I got a couple of step sisters
who think I never finish anything.

Huh.

Well, come on.
Sit down.

Tell me, Melville, who have
you worked for? Anybody I know?

I don't think so...

Leland Stottlemeyer, of the
San Francisco Stottlemeyers.

Randy Disher.
Dr. Charles Cook.

No, I don't know them.

And Natalie Teeger.

Natalie?
Really?

She grew up right down the street.

I went to school with her
when she was still Natalie Davenport.

She had a big crush on me,
wouldn't leave me alone.

Is that right?

How does she look?

- Does she still have that tattoo?
- She has a tattoo?

I guess you wouldn't have seen it.
Not where she put it.

Look, I'm having a big
luncheon on Sunday.

A bunch of the old fossils
from the family foundation.

You think Natalie'd show up?
Make the afternoon a lot better.

I don't think...

Maybe.

Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut.
My gut likes what it sees.

If Natalie Teeger recommends you,
that's good enough for me.

Congratulations, you're my new butler.

- I'm your butler?
- Yeah, come on.

I'll show you around.
Your room's upstairs. Grab that drink.

Natalie, it's for you.

Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Monk, thank God.

I'm gonna need you to come
and get me now.

Well, what happened?
Where are you?

I'm in my bedroom.

I work here now.
I'm the butler.

- You're the butler?
- Yes, your old boyfriend just hired me.

- I'm the new manservant.
- I think that's great.

Do you?

Do you really?
Do you think it's great?

Yeah, you'll be able to look around.

You're right there.
You're in the belly of the beast.

Natalie, it's not a good thing.
It's a bad thing.

Okay, it's a belly, and it's a beast.

Now come and get me.

How about this?
I pick you up tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?

Yes, maybe by then we'll have
something to show the captain.

Okay, yeah, that's one scenario.
May I suggest an alternate scenario?

Pick me up!

There's somebody he... somebody here.
I'll call you later.

Wait, wait... wa... wa... wait.

Come in.

- Mr. Melville?
- Yeah, Melville.

Hi. I'm Suzy, the housekeeper.
Assistant housekeeper, actually.

And Mrs. Murphy wanted me to
see if you needed anything.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm supposed to pick up your uniform,
and I need to know your size.

Oh, thank you, Suzy,
but that won't be, uh...

I'm a 42 regular.

I'm sorry about all the mess.
This was Stilson's room.

And he subscribed to, like,
50 magazines.

- Who's Stilson?
- Your predecessor. Edward Stilson.

He was with the family forever.
I just can't believe he left like that.

What do you mean?

Well, Mr. Buchanan said that they had
a really big fight about back pay or something.

Stilson just stormed out of the house.

- When was this?
- Last week.

And he left his suitcase
and all of his pictures.

Well, he'll probably send for them
when he cools off.

Um, I know you haven't even unpacked yet,
but we need you to approve this.

It's the seating chart
for the luncheon on Sunday.

I'm sure it's fine.
Just do whatever you want.

Very well, sir.
I'm right down the hall if you need me.

Excuse me, could I... uh,
could I see that again?

- There'll be 11 at the table?
- Yes, sir.

So do you just wanna put five
on one side and then six on the other?

No, no, no. That wouldn't be even.
It has to be even.

How long is the table?

Um, I'm not sure.

Suzy. Suzy.

I don't know what I'm going to
do with you.

This fork is a centimeter too close.

It's only a centimeter.

For the want of a nail, Mrs. Murphy,
the kingdom was lost.

One centimeter off on this side.
One centimeter off on that side.

Before you know it what have you got?

Two centimeters.

- Uh-oh, who folded this napkin?
- I did, sir.

And you call this a beveled half-Bedford?

Mr. Melville, it's 2:30 in the morning.
We've been here all night.

Luncheon isn't until
Sunday afternoon, sir.

Almost done, Mrs. Murphy.

Almost finished.

- How tall is Mr. Fairchild?
- About my height, sir.

Then he belongs over here
across from Miss Monica.

Symmetry.
Sweet symmetry.

That's fine, sir.
Except...

Except?

You can't put Mr. B
next to his stepsisters.

They hate each other.

There was an accident
about a year ago. A car crash.

Their mother died a few moments
before Mr. Buchanan's father.

Mmm, yes, I heard that story.

Apparently when it came time
to divide the estate,

Monica and Clara didn't feel they were
treated as fairly as they might have been.

I see.
How much did they get?

Nothing.

- And they wanted more?
- Yes, sir.

Apparently they did.

911, what is your emergency?

- My wife. She's dead.
- Where are you?

On Sweeney Road.
Right near Spider Lake.

I'm feeling her pulse.
She's definitely dead.

She's not breathing.
Her neck is broken.

I don't think I... uh... Oh, God!
I can't breathe. Uh...

- Sir?
- Uh... my heart!

- What does that prove?
- Are you kidding?

It proves everything.
There's nothing to discuss.

Captain, we were there yesterday.

There's no reception.
He couldn't have made that call.

That happens all the time, Natalie,
for a million different reasons...

different cell phones, terrain.
Read the coroner's report.

April 9th, one year ago, Camilla Buchanan
died in the accident upon impact.

Ralph Buchanan died of a heart attack.

He did it.
I know he did it.

Why? Because he made you
cry in homeroom?

Because I know him
and guys like him.

They think they own the world,
and you know what? Because they do.

Monk, what do you think?

Look, Natalie, you heard the tape.
It was an accident.

She hit her head.
He had a heart attack.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to get back to work.

Wa... wait.
Why are you going back to work?

- What work?
- He's a butler.

We prefer to be called house managers.

He's working for Paul Buchanan undercover.

I was undercover. Now I'm thinking
about making it official.

- As a butler?
- A house manager.

They prefer house manager.

- Why?
- I'm good at it.

No, you're good at this.
You're good at being a cop.

Really? The department
doesn't seem to think so.

Oh, I get it. Those sons of bitches
and the hiring freeze.

Look, Monk, I told you I am working on that,
okay? Just give me a little more time.

It's too late, Captain. I've moved on.
It's a new dawn.

What about Natalie? / I'm hoping that
Natalie will remain in my employ.

There is a position opening up
in the kitchen.

Speaking of kitchens,
I really must get back.

I have a duck in the oven
that's not going to braise itself.

And the master is very particular
about that sort of thing.

The master?

Wow.

Very good.

Excellent.

Thank you, Mr. Melville.

Well, I don't have to remind you people
how important these stupid luncheons are.

The old bats are gunning for me.
They want me to screw up.

They expect me to screw up.
I intend to disappoint them.

- Mr. Melville.
- Thank you, sir.

Mr. Puckldge.

I've divided the house into four zones.

Mr. Stilson usually just has us
start in the kitchen.

Mr. Stilson is no longer with us.

So from now on, we're going
to be cleaning the house my way.

The Monk way.

Who's Monk?

You see...

I grew up in a monastery.

And the monks were very demanding.

We were cleaning constantly.
18 hours a day.

Mostly dusting.

It was very dusty.

Crypts, catacombs.

It was holy dust.

But still...

You know, dust.

That is the Monk way.

Well, you heard the man.
We'll be doing it the Monk way.

Zone one...

The Swiffer please.

A flaw in the crystal.

- I don't see it.
- I do.

No.

- Are you all right, sir?
- Yes. I'm fine.

There's just so much to do.

He does one of these every month?

Yes, sir.

Is that blood?

I'll take care of it, sir.

See that you do.

Almost done.

There you go.

Thank you, Melville.

Your attention to detail is
almost pathological.

Thank you, sir.
It's almost noon.

I think we should be getting downstairs.

I'm sorry.
Still not quite...

- Thank you, Melville.
- My pleasure, sir.

- Oh.
- I'm sorry.

There you go.

Now, your guests should be
arriving any second...

I'm sorry.
It's still slightly...

You know what?
It's fine. It's close enough.

One second.
Almost have it.

- I said it's fine.
- I just have to center it.

You know what?
I'm just gonna lose the tie.

And go with something
a little more casual.

Yes, sir.
Good choice.

- Speaking of Natalie.
- Were we speaking of Natalie?

Well, we are now. / Ah.

- She didn't RSVP, did she?
- I'm afraid not, sir.

It is better to have loved and lost,
then never to have loved at all.

Do you believe that, Melville?

I don't know, sir.
It's a tough call.

Paul, this mushroom bisque is
just heavenly.

Well, it's Camilla's recipe.
I thought it was appropriate since...

the foundation was her idea.

Mr. Melville, I'll have some more soup.
My diet be damned.

Very good, sir.

Paulie, I have to say, when you're
sitting in that chair in that suit,

you look just like your father.

You sound like him too.

He's a crook.

Monica, did you say something?

I said you can't judge a crook
by his cover.

Sir, there's a phone call for you.
A Miss Teeger.

- Who?
- Natalie Teeger.

I'll call her back.

She said that it's very important.

It can't be more important
than this, can it?

He said what?

Oh!

It's only the second course,
and I can barely move.

As long as you can still sign those checks,
Alfred, that's all that matters.

Paul, I'm so glad you decide to
keep the house.

We were afraid you might sell it.

Oh, absolutely not.
I will never sell this place.

This is the homestead, Roger.
This is where Clara, Monica, and I grew up.

Until you kicked us out.

Monica.
Not now.

Why not now?
We may never be invited back.

You know what I can't get past?

Our mother died ten minutes
before his father.

If Ralph had died first, we would
have inherited everything.

Ten minutes.

600 seconds.

Are you accusing me of
something, Monica?

All I'm saying is, you're either
very lucky... or very smart.

And I'm very drunk.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but we have another guest.

Natalie!

Is there room for one more?
I changed my mind and decided to come.

Well, of course there is.
Mr. Melville!

You remember Mr. Melville,
don't you?

Yes, of course.

Miss Teeger. / I should never
have let Mr. Melville go.

Miss Teeger will be joining us.
We'll need another place setting.

I don't think there's room, sir.
It's all been planned out to the centimeter.

It took me all night.

Melville, I'm not gonna ask you again.

Thank you, sir.

Put Miss Teeger at the table.
Put her next to me. And do it now.

As you wish.

Everyone, this is Natalie Davenport,
an old friend of mine from high school.

At least I hope she still consider
me a friend.

You look fantastic.

Really. I mean, you haven't
changed a bit since high school.

Oh, wow.

I wouldn't say that.

Look at that.

- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.

My boyfriend couldn't make it.

He had to go to anger
management class.

Again.

Well, I better get back to the...

I'm glad you could come.

Mr. Melville.
Will you help me with my coat?

How did you do that?

See, Mr. Monk, when two people love
each other, they wanna express that love.

- What?
- It's a pillow!

Ah, well, that explains almost nothing.

I had to come. I realized something
about the frogs. / What frogs?

Okay, on that 911 call there were
no frogs in the background.

You were there.
Remember how loud they were?

That call was definitely made
from someplace else.

Not necessarily.
Maybe they just weren't croaking.

- Maybe they were tired.
- Frogs don't get tired.

- You don't think frogs get tired?
- No, I don't.

Believe me.
Frogs get tired.

The hopping and the thing with the tongue.

You try hopping around and catching flies.
You wouldn't last ten minutes.

This man is a creep.
Why are you protecting him?

I'm not protecting anyone.
There is no evidence here.

Then find some.
You're a detective.

You were supposed to go check
out the car in the garage.

Have you been to the garage?

No, something came up.

- What?
- This.

My life. My new career.
I love it here.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

No, you don't.
I can tell. You look terrible.

Well, fortunately, this job is
not about my looks.

Have you been sleeping at all?

Mr. Melville!
Shall we begin the main course, sir?

Yes, thank you, Mrs. Murphy.

Should you be drinking that?

I'll have some quail, please.

He took the quail.
We're alternating.

I'd prefer the quail.

It's just we've been going
quail, duck, quail, duck, quail, duck...

I don't like duck.

Then you'll have to sit over there.

I have to change seats? / Fine.

Here.

Two quails... right next to each other.

Enjoy.

By the way... you're all invited to stay.

Alfred and I are gonna do some
quail hunting later with a few of the neighbors.

Where's Natalie?

She said she had to freshen up, sir.

Really?

April 9th.
The night they died.

8:30.
God, so he was here.

There you are.
I was getting worried.

Oh, I was just feeling nauseous.

So you came to the garage?

Yeah, I didn't wanna bother anybody.

I'm glad you did.

I wanted to talk to you.

Sometimes I think about adopting a kid.

Someone to share all this with.

So if things don't work out
with you and your boyfriend...

Oh, yeah..

Yeah, that's something to think about.

- Well, I'd better get back in there.
- Okay.

You're leaving?

We're going hunting.
I wanted to invite you.

No, thank you.

Your parents will be joining us.

I can't. I have to take care of something.

Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine.

What do you mean?

You know what it's like hunting.

Accidents happen all the time.

Don't worry.
I'll look after them.

Police?

What have I done?

Hey. We're over here.

It's okay. Go ahead.
We'll catch up.

- Hey! Where's Natalie?
- The pregnant lady?

She's with the boss.
They went hunting.

All right, give me the page.

- What?
- My father's journal.

You stole a page.
Give it to me.

Put it on.

Why?

There's gonna be an accident.
I told you, it happens all the time.

- Hey! Have you seen Natalie?
- She's with Paul.

- Back that way.
- I'm gonna have to borrow this.

What... you just... you can't do this.

Oh, I can't? Look up there.
See that well?

Two weeks ago I shot my butler
and dropped his body in it.

You should gone with me
to the prom, Natalie.

Buchanan!
Lower the weapon.

- Melville?
- Just lower it!

Well, you're fired.
That goes without saying.

Mr. Monk, look, his father
kept a journal.

He came back before he died.

Makes sense.

It all makes sense now.

His father died of a heart attack,
like the coroner said.

Paul must have found him.

But he had a problem.

His stepmother would inherit everything,
and he would be completely cut out.

- Unless...
- She died too.

She not only had to die,
she had to die first.

Or at least it had to look like it.

Because if she died second,
even by a few minutes,

her children would inherit everything.

He got her to leave the house.
"Come quickly. There's been an accident. "

He brought her up to Sweeney Road.

And that's where he killed her.

Then he set the stage.

You were right about the phone call.

There was no signal.

He had to walk a few miles to call 911.

My wife!
She's dead!

- Where are you?
- On Sweeney Road.

Right near Spider Lake.
I'm feeling her pulse.

She's definitely dead.
She's not breathing.

Her neck is broken.
I don't think I... uh!

Oh, God.
I can't breathe.

- Sir?
- My heart!

Are you all right?

Imitating his father was easy. As Clara
had mentioned, you sounded just like him.

So it was perfect.

They were both dead.

Your stepmother had obviously died first.

- Who are you?
- This is my boss, Adrian Monk.

Hello!
Sorry we're late.

Hello, darling.

Natalie?
When did this happen?

- I told you I'd take care of it.
- What is it?

It's from the deputy commissioner.
That's his signature.

It says that you, Adrian Monk, are
exempt from the current hiring freeze,

and when you are ready
to come back to work,

your badge will be waiting for you.

- How did you do that?
- I talked to the man. I laid it all out.

- He threatened to quit.
- You did?

Yeah, I was there. It was pretty intense.
And I seriously considered quitting.

I wasn't bluffing.
I meant it.

Me too.
You could tell I was about to consider it.

- Leland, I don't know how to...
- Buy me lunch, we'll call it even.

- Okay.
- What are you doing?

- I was just...
- You're not my butler.

- Oh, right.
- You're a cop.

- I'm a cop.
- You're a cop.

- You're a cop.
- I'm a cop.

I'm a cop. I'm a cop. I'm a cop.