Monk (2002–2009): Season 4, Episode 7 - Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding - full transcript
Natalie asks Randy to be her date to her brother's wedding. But when he's run down in the parking lot, Monk steps in to figure out what exactly is going on.
Uh, all right, one more-
One more, thank you- look at me, and a big smile-
Oh, that's perfect.
Yes, okay.
Uh, we're gonna get a group shot,
so I need you to- I need you guys to come in with me.
Uh, I need the bridesmaids
and the best man, please.
[Cell Phone Ringing]
Uh-
Excuse me.
[Softly] You're late.
Do you have it?
All of it?
Good. Shall we do this
in the usual way?
Yeah, yeah.
Hotel spa will be fine.
[Exhaling]
Five minutes. Yeah. Five minutes.
[Beeps]
What?
No. This is-
[Cell Phone Rings]
[Softly]
What do you think you're doing? Think you can screw with me?
My price just went up.
It's gonna cost you
another ten grand.
Or I could just make one
20-second phone call to the F.B.I.
[Chuckles] You wouldn't happen
to know their number, would ya?
No, that's all right.
I'll just call Information.
It'll be a lot easier to-
Hel-
[Beeping]
Hello?
- Son of a bitch.
- [Beeping]
[Cell Phone Ringing]
[Ringing Continues]
- [Rings]
- Where are you?
[Ringing, Faint]
[Continues]
[Rings]
[Rings]
Oh!
## [Up-tempo Folk]
# It's a jungle out there #
# Disorder and confusion
everywhere #
# No one seems to care #
# Well, I do
Hey, who's in charge here #
# It's a jungle out there #
# Poison in the very air
we breathe #
# Do you know what's in the water
that you drink, well, I do #
# And it's amazing #
# People think I'm crazy
'cause I worry all the time #
# If you paid attention
you'd be worried too #
# You better pay attention
or this world we love so much #
# Mightjust kill you #
# I could be wrong now #
# But I don't think so #
# 'Cause it's a jungle out there #
# It's a jungle out there ##
Surprise.
Surprise!
Surprise!
[Laughing]
Happy birthday, Disher.
Thank you, thank you.
# For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow #
[Fading]
# He's a jolly good fell-# Guys, guys, this is great.
# Can deny #
This is awesome! I mean-
[Cracker Pops]
[Natalie Screams]
- I can't believe you'd remember.
- Of course. How could we forget?
- My Mom called you, didn't she?
- Every day for the past month.
- What's that?
- [Stottlemeyer] It's cellophane. Monk's idea.
It's to protect the cake.
Makes it more fun.
For what?
Well,
when you blow out the candles,
there's always a little...
what I call "spittle."
Actually a pretty good idea.
It's a, uh, "birthday cake spittle shield."
- You know, that's the first idea you've had
that I actually might consider investing in. - Thank you.
Make a wish.
Blow out the candles, Lieutenant.
[Gasping]
[Laughing, Chattering]
[Man Coughing]
Hey, happy birthday.
I think I might
reconsider that investment.
It's okay. It's okay.
No, no. It's okay.
It's- [Cell Phone Ringing]
I don't need a birthday cake-
[Ringing Continues]
To feel the love I'm feeling in this room
right now from everybody.
Hey.
It wasn't long ago that-
I was just thinking about you.
I left Temple University in Philadelphia-
What?
No, Roger, you can't.
Because you can't.
Well, I can't find anybody else.
Because the dinner's tonight, Roger.
The wedding's tomorrow.
Uh-huh.
So what did the doctor say?
So it didn't technically burst!
All right, fine, Roger,
you take care of yourself.
Bye.
What does an appendix do, anyway?
I mean, it's an appendix.
That means it's extra, right?
Is there anything I can do?
[Sighs]
That wouldn't inconvenience me?
Yes. You can come with me tomorrow
to my brother's wedding.
- My date just canceled.
- A wedding, no. I'm sorry, Natalie. I can't.
It's a bad idea for- for seven reasons.
Wait, eight, actually,
now that I think of it. Nine.
Nine reasons. L-I'm s-
I can't- nine reasons.
I've got the day off.
If you can't find anybody else.
- Is Greenberg still dating
that parole officer? - No. He married her.
Actually, I own my own tuxedo.
Ooh! What about that B&E
suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
- Not cute enough to make bail.
- I'd be honored if you met my family.
It's not a date.
I understand.
I just- l-l- I need a buffer.
I can't handle my family alone. I'm a buffer.
I mean, I'm very buff.
I mean, no pun intended, unless you thought I was being funny.
Separate rooms.
[Chuckles] I should think so.
All right, thank you.
Here is the invitation.
It's in Pebble Beach.
Cool. Who's Jonathan Davenport?
That's my brother.
You're always kissably fresh with Davenport, like the toothpaste.
Um, actually, not like the toothpaste.
We are the toothpaste.
[Chuckles]
What?
- Get outta here.
- Wait a minute.
[Natalie]
What? This is you?
- Yeah.
- Why didn't you ever tell us?
Mr. Monk, if you spent three minutes
with them, you'd understand.
I kept Mitch's name for a reason.
I don't want any part of them, or that.
So I guess you're kinda loaded, huh?
[Scoffs] They are.
They wouldn't offer me a nickel. I wouldn't take it if they did.
This doesn't change anything, does it?
[Scoffing]
No. Why-Why would it?
You're-You're still Natalie.
You're still you. Yeah.
And we're still us.
You're loaded.
- Davenport!
- Karen?
Yes, Mrs. Davenport?
Where the hell is the photographer?
He told me he would meet me here.
I don't know.
But I will find him for you.
[Sighs Deeply] Thank you.
Hey, what are these?
They're cocktail napkins.
Cocktail napkins are square.
L-l-
I don't know what that is.
Okay, I'm gonna
fix this right away. Please.
Karen.
What is he?
Uh- He's a waiter.
No, I mean, is he Native American, is he a hippie? What?
Oh, l-I don't know.
Well, I just don't think
he should serve tomorrow.
I mean, he just
doesn't quite fit.
[Sighs]
Oh, and I've changed my mind about the ratatouille. It'll drip!
It'll drip all over everything.
Tell the cook.
Do you believe
I have to do everything? Yes, dear.
[Sighs]
Oh! Princess!
[Julie]
Grandma.! Grandpa.!
Is that your dad?
Robert Davenport. Everybody calls him "Bobby."
- Grandpa!
- Look at you! Oh, God!
You're gonna be the prettiest
flower girl in the world. [Laughing]
Hello, sweetheart.
What does he do?
He inherits money.
What about your Mom?
That's Peggy.
She has two hobbies: Tennis,
and making me feel like dirt.
She's a champion at both.
They look nice.
Oh, then, you'll fit right in,
because looking nice is what matters around here.
When I was in high school, all they
cared about was whether I was dating the right guy from the right family.
And? Did you?
I dated all the wrong guys.
Some of them were really wrong.
Like Mitch.
They still refuse to put his picture on the piano.
What, that means something?
Yeah, it means something to them, and me.
[Softly]
Ugh, I'm sweating. I feel like I'm allergic to them.
Is that possible?
Wait, come here, come here, come here!
I need a signal.
A signal?
Yeah. L-lf I start to panic, just-
I'll just ask you what time it is.
Okay? Just get me
out of there, right? Just drag me away.
"What time is it?" I got it.
Don't worry. [Gasping]
[Softly]
Hi, Mom. Umm-
Hello, sweetheart.
Hello, my dear.
[Clears Throat]
Oh, this is my friend. This is Randy Disher.
Mr. And Mrs. Davenport,
it's a pleasure to meet you.
Both of you.
I've heard great things about you.
Like what?
Well, uh, not about you, specifically.
About your toothpaste.
Especially that new kind with the mouthwash built right in?
I'll bet you were
the inspiration for that. [Chuckles]
Why?
What's wrong with my breath?
What time is it?
What?
What time is it?
No.
[Rattling]
There's something wrong
with this Bloody Mary.
Oh, honey, you're a bartender.
Taste that.
Mom, I'm not
a bartender anymore. Oh, I'm sorry.
You're, you're, uh, a junior
detective or something.
I'm an assistant to
a private Investigator.
- It's just so hard to keep straight.
I mean, what is this, job number 17? - [Sighs]
Randy, sweetheart, be a dear.
Taste this for me. What's wrong with it?
- Not enough celery salt.
- Oh, that's it. That's exactly what I thought.
Okay, so where's Jonathan?
I haven't even met Teresa yet.
Oh, you're going to love her.
She's fantastic.
[Chuckles]
Whoa. Hold the presses. You actually approve.
Oh, yes, we approve.
[Laughing]
We could hardly be standing
here if we didn't approve.
- So I guess you had her checked out?
- Yes, I did. This all happened very quickly.
- Yeah, they met about
three weeks ago in Hawaii. - She's never been married.
Both ofher parents are deceased.
- She'd been living off a very healthy trust
fund, so this girl is not after the money. - Huge.
This is the real thing.
Jonathan's very happy.
She makes him happy.
That's all that matters.
- Mitch made me happy, Mother.
- Nat- Peg.
This is never-
Ah, ah. This is Jonathan's day.
- Can we not do this?
- Okay. I won't!
I'm gonna go find Julie.
Well, we haven't checked in yet.
Which way is the main office?
Back down the steps
and across the parking lot.
Great! See you later, Peggy.
Bobby.
Hey, listen, I gotta get going.
You're okay, right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
You don't have to check in on me.
Yes, I do. I promised Natalie
that I would, and I swore on my mother's eyes.
Captain, I'm not a baby.
I'll be fine.
Here.
Alone.
All day. Here.
You got something to drink?
It's in the fridge.
There's a chart
on the inside of the door. It's color-coded.
I don't need the chart, Monk.
[Refrigerator Door Closes]
Hey.!
I wonder how
Natalie and Randy are doing?
I love weddings.
Did you know that
I met Karen at a wedding?
I love weddings anyway.
## [Whistling Tunelessly]
You-
[Sighs]
You know who had
a great wedding?
You did.
You and Trudy.
Now that was a great day.
Where's that photo album?
[Chuckles]
She was-wow!
[Stottlemeyer]
Beautiful.
I remember, during the service,
she was crying so hard, she couldn't
even say the words, "I do."
Have you ever seen anybody
cry so much?
That was you, Monk.
And no, I have not.
[Engine Idling]
[Shifting Gears, Revving]
[Grunting]
[Stottlemeyer]
Randy? Randy? Son. Did you see who was driving the car?
Did you see?
Can you I.D. The driver? See Volvo.
Silver Volvo.
No, no, Randy, we got- We got the car. It's right here.
Who was driving?
Captain.
Yeah?
I got a license plate.
I don't need
the license plate, Randy. I'm looking right at it.
Four, Paul, "C," Charles.
He's gonna be okay, right?
Yeah. Painkillers.
How's he doing?
Broken arm, broken leg,
probably a couple of broken ribs.
Suitcase took most of the blow.
It could have been a lot worse.
Can he identify the driver?
He can't identify me.
I'll try again later.
What do ya got? Condensation.
The air conditioner was running,
and the humidity is what, about 70%.
So that car was idling
right here for about 20 minutes.
- So what, he was waiting for him?
- And the tire tracks here.
He must have peeled out at full speed.
That's right, he didn't even try
to brake. Or make the turn.
Son of a bitch!
What happened?
He was only here for an hour.
Did he piss somebody off?
No.
And, we found this on the floor of the car, near the gas pedal.
Some kind of green mud.
Well, I'll get that
to the lab right away.
- Captain, it's not your case.
- Like hell it's not!
She's right, Captain.
It's my backyard.
Lieutenant Bristo,
Monterey County Police.
How you doing?
Don't worry, you'll be copied on
every statement. Where you staying?
Uh, right here, I guess.
This is Adrian Monk.
- He'll be staying here, too.
- L-I don't think so.
- You'll be staying here, too.
- I guess I'll be staying here, too.
The car's registered to
a Margaret Davenport. Margaret Davenport?
- Aunt Madge!
- Okay, Aunt Madge.
She said somebody took
the keys out of her coat pocket, which was in a cloakroom.
She was busy putting up decorations.
So it wasn't her, but
he knew exactly where to look.
And what car was hers.
There's no Volvo markings on that key.
That could have been
anybody. An employee. [Bristo] I don't think so.
I just talked to the manager.
There was a staff meeting in progress.
Nobody was missing.
What? You're saying somebody
in my family did this? No.
[Stottlemeyer]
Let's get you upstairs. Hotel's comping you a room.
Whoa!
Okay.
- I'll catch up with you guys later.
- Okeydoke.
Oh, yes. How is he?
I hope he's gonna be all right.
Oh, now, sweetheart. I'm sorry
about your friend, but there isn't anything that you can do.
So now, we just have to-
What?
[Sighs] We soldier on.
That's right, we soldier on.
Uh, now, rehearsal dinner
is in about 20 minutes, so- What's that?
Oh, I found this outside.
But those are Randy's pants.
Oh, yes.
L-I thought this color would
be good to show the wedding planner for the tablecloths.
Khaki?
No, the blood! Crimson.
The one she picked
was sort of raspberry.
It didn't go with
any of the flowers at all. Mom, that's an evidence bag.
Yes.
You can't just take it from a crime scene.
That's a felony.
Well, the tablecloths are a felony, darling, and I'm going to give it back.
Look, you just can't take it.
Uh- No!
NatalieJane!
Thank you, darling.
Now, the rehearsal dinner's going
to be in about 20 minutes, so you're not going to be wearing that, are you?
[Sighs]
Mr. Monk!
Natalie, that gift shop does not have my toothbrush.
They do not carry
the Gertler 4000.
What am I supposed to do?
We're gonna worry about that later.
Come on. We're late.
The rehearsal dinner's in 20 minutes.
You said "We"?
You said, "We were late." I heard you say "We."
You're my date.
Congratulations. Oh, wait.
Here's the thing-
Mr. Monk, someone did this to Randy, maybe somebody in my family.
You're a detective, right?
This is your chance to look around.
Here's the thing-
Here's the thing: I can't go in there alone. You're my date.
- [Glass Ringing]
- [Laughing]
[Clears Throat]
Excuse me. [Laughs]
[Sighs]
Well, I don't normally stand up and give speeches.
In a minute,
you're gonna find out why.
I promise after tomorrow,
I'm gonna letJonathan do most of the talking.
- Don't bet on it.
- [Laughing]
Um, I just wanted
to thank you, all of you,
for making me feel so at home.
I know this all happened very quickly.
I still don't know how
you planned it all in one week.
As some of you know, I lost
my own parents in 1995...
and I never thought I would
ever feel this way again.
So...
Mr. And Mrs. Davenport,
when we met yesterday,
you asked me to call you
"Mom and Dad."
[Chuckles]
At the time, I didn't really know what to say,
but I've been thinking about it and,
"Mom and Dad,"
I would love to.
[Tearful Laughing]
Natalie, when I was growing up
in Philadelphia, I used to dream about having a big sister.
I can't wait to get to know you better.
I'm having a little
bachelorette party tonight.
I really hope you can make it.
Oh, yeah.
Stop it.!
He keeps touching my food.
No, I wasn't.
I was just helping the lad.
He seems kinda confused about-
It's mushing all together here.
He's, uh- He's fine.
He's gonna be all right.
[Camera Shutter Clicking]
[Stottlemeyer]
You got a nice background here.
[Clicks]
Very good. Thank you very much.
[Clears Throat]
Captain. What are you doing?
Taking pictures. I overheard your mother
say that the wedding photographer didn't show up, so I volunteered.
I borrowed this from
one of the, uh, crime-tech guys. Why?
Why? Because Randy says
that he thinks he might be able to identify the driver.
Did he get a good look at him?
Yep.
Male Caucasian, medium build,
red baseball cap, sunglasses.
I figured I'd take some pictures,
get 'em developed tonight... and maybe we'll get lucky.
[Chuckles]
Wait. You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
Yeah. Look, I'm doing you a favor.
It's either this, or we take everybody upstairs one at a time.
Smile.
Very nice.
Hey, Sis! Hey, Mr. Monk.
Hey, bro!
Oh!
That looks good on you.
Oh, the suit?
No, the smile. He never smiles.
Oh!
[Laughing] Never had anything to smile about.
[Chuckling]
You want my advice? Get out now, save yourself.
No! No, thanks.
I'm not going anywhere. Till death do us part.
[Chuckling]
Hey, how's your friend, Sergeant Disher?
Oh, it's Lieutenant Disher.
He got pretty banged up, but he's gonna be okay.
I can't believe
that happened right outside. Yeah, we wanted to send him some flowers.
- Which hospital is he in?
- No, he's back here. He's upstairs, just resting.
Oh, good. Well, we can
deliver the flowers ourselves. Yeah.
- Do you think he'll be able
to make it to the wedding tomorrow? - Oh, gosh.
- Probably not.
- That's too bad.
Oh, you know what?
I think I'm going to bring my new father-in-law a drink.
Wait, don't forget.
Room 304. Party. [Whoops]
[Whoops]
[Laughs]
Aw.
So?
I can't believe I'm about
to say this, but Mom was right. She's great.
You don't deserve her.
[Laughing] I don't.
We have 87 things in common.
[Chuckles]
Last night, we actually made a list.
Okay, stop this.
That's crazy.
And she doesn't have any family at all? Brothers, sisters?
No, she had an uncle, but
he was on that Pan Am flight to Madrid with her parents.
It was a Pan Am flight?
Yeah. God. She's been through so much.
But it's made her stronger.
And it's rubbing off. I feel stronger, too.
Soon I'll be strong, like you.
Oh, right. [Laughs]
She's probably looking
for me, so I'm gonna go- but I'll see you tomorrow.
Gulp!
[Laughs]
What?
Nothing.
What is it?
She-She said her parents
died in 1995.
Pan Am went out of business in '91.
So? She got a little mixed up.
Yeah.
[Sighing Deeply]
[Screaming]
[All Screaming]
Oh. No.
That "M" is a disaster.
[Chuckles]
How about this guy? That's, uh- That's Uncle Ferdy from Memphis.
[Sighs]
No. No?
No.
That's Natalie's cousin.
No.
No pictures ofTeresa?
The bride, sure.
Uh- Uh-
That's the back of her head.
That's weird. I don't have a good shot of her.
Hey.
Could it have been a woman?
Yeah, I guess so.
You think maybe she's the guy?
I don't know.
She did lie about her parents.
Well, we'll check her out.
[Phone Ringing]
I'll get it.
Oh!
[Screams In Pain]
[Sighs]
I'm gonna need a bigger bottle. Uh, Randy Disher's room.
This is Stottlemeyer.
What?
Yeah, I understand.
Uh, we'll be down there
in a minute.
They found a body.
Where?
In the spa.
Who is it?
No idea.
Okay, let's go.
You're not going anywhere.
Look, meet me downstairs. Find Natalie.
[Giggling]
We had a few complaints about you ladies!
## [Dance]
[Women Squealing]
Good thing
I brought my handcuffs! [Whooping]
Officer, I've been a bad girl.
Yeah!
[Laughing]
[All Squealing]
Hello? Hello?
Excuse me. [Laughing, Whooping]
Hello? Natalie. Natalie.
## [Continues]
Natalie. Natalie.
Mr. Monk, what's going on?
Is Randy okay?
- Is anything wrong?
- Oh, uh, yeah.
I just need to go talk to my Mom.
Uh, I'll be back. Party on!
- Bye!
- Oh, hey! You better come, too.
Me?
There's a body downstairs.
Looks like a 187.
A 187?
Yeah.
Lieutenant Bristo's down there, and
I think he wants you down there, too. Let's go.
- Okay.
- This way.
I'm coming.
## [Clicks Off]
[Women]
Ohh.! Wait. What's that?
My boom box.
Your boom box?
Okay, fine. Let's just go.
You look like
you work out a little bit. I try.
I'm looking into Pilates.
- [Shutter Clicking]
- Hey, Monk.
Who is he?
So far, he's John Doe.
We figure his wallet's
still in the mud bath.
I'm willing to bet that
that mud is the same mud that you found outside in the car.
Was he the driver?
No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least 36 hours ago.
Captain, he's the wedding photographer,
the one that's been missing.
- How do you know that?
- The discoloration on his fingertips.
It's caused by developer fluid.
I've seen it on other photographers.
[Chuckling]
I'm glad he's on our team.
Well, if you're right and he's local,
he'll probably have a studio in town.
We'll get a search warrant.
## [Boom Box]
## [Stops]
What's he doing here?
Oh, that's Hondo. He's with me.
I figured we might need
a little crowd control. [Chuckling]
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop.
He's a stripper.
I don't think so!
[Chuckles] Didn't you see his badge?
It said, "Officer Feelgood"?
So-
Monk, the guy has got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
I thought he lost his wallet.
Hold on a second.
Now, wait a minute.
[Mumbling]
Oh!
Oh, it's on my- on my shoe.
Natalie. Oh- Oh!
[Yelling Incoherently]
God! Wipe!
Ah, wipe!
Hey! No! Towel-
Now I need something bigger!
You may be right about him.
Sorry. Judge Allen
was upstate, duck hunting. You got it?
Search warrant.
We are duly authorized.
## [String Quartet:
"The Wedding March"]
You look so pretty.
Your Daddy would be so proud of you.
## [Chorus]
[Chuckling]
[Minister] Beloved friends,
we're gathered here today...
to celebrate the union
of Teresa and Jonathan,
who metjust three weeks ago-
No.
But true love has found its way.
Guy's name was Frank Ruttle.
I got a peek at his bank account.
He was broke.
Living paycheck to paycheck.
Huh.
Get this: According to his sister,
he'd been talking to real estate agents,
looking at houses.
Thought he was gonna
come into some money.
Hello!
[Laughs] Hah!
I got it! I got it!
And do you, Teresa Scott,
takeJonathan Davenport to love, honor and cherish,
for better or worse, richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health,
until death do you part?
I do.
By the power vested in me...
by the state of California, I now
pronounce you husband and wife. [Sighs]
You may kiss the bride.
May I present to you
Mr. And Mrs. Jonathan Davenport.
Oh, my God. It's her.
It's Teresa!
She's a black widow.
[Peggy] It's not her.
The hair is different.
[Natalie] Mom, she dyed
her hair blonde and cut it.
It's not her. This is
the happiest day of his life.
Why are you doing this
to your brother? I'm doing this forJonathan.
Mom, this explains everything.
Why she has no family, why she has no friends.
[Peggy] Her best friend is sick
and her parents happen to be dead.
Did you read this article?
She killed her first husband for his money.
She might be planning
to do it again. No, no. No, no, no.
Cancel, cancel.
I don't believe it.
Mrs. Davenport, Randy Disher
was the investigating officer six years ago.
He could identify Teresa.
That's why...
she tried to run him down
when he first got here.
I'm sorry, but that
is simply preposterous. [Clapping, Cheering]
[Screams]
Yea!
Yesterday, she called him
"Sergeant Disher."
He was a sergeant when
she knew him six years ago.
Excuse me, young man.
Could you just go?
Thank you.
We both know
what this is about. This is not about Teresa...
and some stupid photograph
that somebody found.
This is about you and me.
Oh, Mom, please stop-
Yes! You and me and Mitch,
and the fact that you think I treated him badly.
Oh, this is ridic-
And I never put his picture on the piano-
As if that meant anything.
- [Cheering]
- God!
I really don't see how you can work
for that man, or how you could take anything he says seriously.
## [Orchestra]
- May I?
- Yes, of course.
Should I be insulted?
About what?
The napkins. Are you afraid
to touch me, Mr. Monk?
Why would I be afraid of you?
I'm not marrying you.
[Gasps, Laughs]
It's a beautiful dress.
Well, thank you.
And it still fits.
What do you mean?
You wore the same dress
in Philadelphia six years ago.
At the time, you were using
the name Darlene...
Coolidge.
I saw the wedding pictures,
the ones that Frank Ruttle took.
- Who?
- Frank Ruttle.
The wedding photographer
who made the fatal mistake of recognizing you.
Mr. Monk, I'm not...
who or what you think I am.
I am denying it unequivocally.
However, if you were right,
and I was such a woman,
the last thing you'd want
to do is get in my way.
Are you threatening me?
[Chuckling] Mmm.
## [Ends]
- Hi!
- How do you plan to do it?
## [Swing]
How are you going to kill him?
This song's over, Mr. Monk.
Excuse me, Mrs. Davenport?
They're playing our song.
[Laughing]
Come here.
[Chuckling]
[Whispering]
I missed you.
[No Audible Dialogue]
You broke into her room?
Is that legal?
You don't need a search warrant
to go into a hotel room if it's after checkout.
- [Monk] Is that true?
- I don't know.
[Monk] What you got?
Red baseball cap.
- Ta-da!
- Green mud.
All right, let's arrest her.
No, no, no! Natalie! Natalie.
- We can't get her on this.
- We have to do something. They're honeymooning in Mexico.
They're gonna leave any minute.
If Randy can I.D. Her as Darlene Coolidge, then we've got her.
I'm gonna go see
if I can wake him up. Keep her here.
Don't let her leave.
## [Jazz]
[Whispering]
It's time. Okay.
We're heading out.
Already?
- Yeah.
- [Whispering] Do something!
Teresa wants to catch an earlier flight.
When she makes her up mind, that's it.
The woman's a force of nature.
Don't go.
Ohh.
I need to talk to you.
Oh, you don't need me to have fun.
You never did.
Hi. I've gotta take him.
I've gotta take him, okay? [Glass Ringing]
Wish me luck, will ya?
[Monk] Jonathan?
Look, look.
Teresa.
- [Ringing Continues]
- Just wanted to say a few words.
L-
Well, the truth is, I don't really
know either of you very well.
But I do know a couple
of things about marriage.
My wife Trudy used to say that marriage...
is 90% love and 10% forgiveness.
She was married to me,
so she was sort of an expert on forgiveness.
[Chuckling]
[Laughs]
That was a true story.
[Grunting]
Son of a bitch! Forget it!
Is there a latch?
Forget it, I'm good.
You're good?
I'm good. Go!
Okay.
Go, let's go.
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on! Okay.
Anyway, I'd like to thank all of you
for coming...
and I think I speak
on behalf of Bobby and Peggy-
No. Uh-
No, actually, you're not.
You-And, uh, Jonathan and Teresa-
l- I know you want
to take a minute now,
and just say thank you to our
wonderful waiters and waitresses.
Yes, absolutely.
Okay, okay.
[Screaming]
[Grunting, Groaning]
You know who's here,
though, is uh, Julie Teeger.
Ju- Come up here, Julie.
Come on up here, please.
Julie you know, is,
of course, Jonathan's niece.
Come, come, come on. Come!
- She has had to, uh-
- We're gonna go.
Memorize a poem for-
for-for school. [Whispering]
And she would like to recite
it for you now, in honor ofJonathan and Teresa.
Julie Teeger.
- Come on, Julie. Come on, girl.
- Okay, bye.
[Julie]
"Father William,"by Lewis Carroll.
"'You are old, Father William,'
the young man said.
"'And your hair has become very white.
[Groaning]
Sorry.
"'And yet you incessantly
stand on your head-
Do you think, at your age,
this is right?"'
[Approving Murmurs]
[Clapping]
"Do you think, at your age, this is right?"
[Sighs]
That always gets me.
[Stottlemeyer]
Okay. Okay. Look out!
Oh, geez!
[Screams]
- When I was just a lad-
- [Softly] Good job. Good job.
[Chuckles]
Well, not a lad. No, more of a young...
fella.
An adolescent.
- A teenager, really.
- Okay.
[Stottlemeyer]
Hang on.!
[Gasping]
Hey, Darlene. Long time, no see.
Is this her?
Darlene Coolidge!
[Panting] We lost track of you
back in Seattle in 2001,
but by then,
her name was Phyllis Gaffney,
and she was already on
husband number three.
He lasted five and a half weeks.
You really must have loved him.
- What's he talking about-
- Okay, don't do anything stupid!
I told you we should have eloped.
- Hey, "Dad," you have a private jet.
- It's a company jet.
I want it fueled and
ready to go in 20 minutes.
[Grunting]
- Stay away from our family.
- [Choking]
We have enough problems.
## [Slow Ballad]
[Sighs]
Thank you.
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
One more, thank you- look at me, and a big smile-
Oh, that's perfect.
Yes, okay.
Uh, we're gonna get a group shot,
so I need you to- I need you guys to come in with me.
Uh, I need the bridesmaids
and the best man, please.
[Cell Phone Ringing]
Uh-
Excuse me.
[Softly] You're late.
Do you have it?
All of it?
Good. Shall we do this
in the usual way?
Yeah, yeah.
Hotel spa will be fine.
[Exhaling]
Five minutes. Yeah. Five minutes.
[Beeps]
What?
No. This is-
[Cell Phone Rings]
[Softly]
What do you think you're doing? Think you can screw with me?
My price just went up.
It's gonna cost you
another ten grand.
Or I could just make one
20-second phone call to the F.B.I.
[Chuckles] You wouldn't happen
to know their number, would ya?
No, that's all right.
I'll just call Information.
It'll be a lot easier to-
Hel-
[Beeping]
Hello?
- Son of a bitch.
- [Beeping]
[Cell Phone Ringing]
[Ringing Continues]
- [Rings]
- Where are you?
[Ringing, Faint]
[Continues]
[Rings]
[Rings]
Oh!
## [Up-tempo Folk]
# It's a jungle out there #
# Disorder and confusion
everywhere #
# No one seems to care #
# Well, I do
Hey, who's in charge here #
# It's a jungle out there #
# Poison in the very air
we breathe #
# Do you know what's in the water
that you drink, well, I do #
# And it's amazing #
# People think I'm crazy
'cause I worry all the time #
# If you paid attention
you'd be worried too #
# You better pay attention
or this world we love so much #
# Mightjust kill you #
# I could be wrong now #
# But I don't think so #
# 'Cause it's a jungle out there #
# It's a jungle out there ##
Surprise.
Surprise!
Surprise!
[Laughing]
Happy birthday, Disher.
Thank you, thank you.
# For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow #
[Fading]
# He's a jolly good fell-# Guys, guys, this is great.
# Can deny #
This is awesome! I mean-
[Cracker Pops]
[Natalie Screams]
- I can't believe you'd remember.
- Of course. How could we forget?
- My Mom called you, didn't she?
- Every day for the past month.
- What's that?
- [Stottlemeyer] It's cellophane. Monk's idea.
It's to protect the cake.
Makes it more fun.
For what?
Well,
when you blow out the candles,
there's always a little...
what I call "spittle."
Actually a pretty good idea.
It's a, uh, "birthday cake spittle shield."
- You know, that's the first idea you've had
that I actually might consider investing in. - Thank you.
Make a wish.
Blow out the candles, Lieutenant.
[Gasping]
[Laughing, Chattering]
[Man Coughing]
Hey, happy birthday.
I think I might
reconsider that investment.
It's okay. It's okay.
No, no. It's okay.
It's- [Cell Phone Ringing]
I don't need a birthday cake-
[Ringing Continues]
To feel the love I'm feeling in this room
right now from everybody.
Hey.
It wasn't long ago that-
I was just thinking about you.
I left Temple University in Philadelphia-
What?
No, Roger, you can't.
Because you can't.
Well, I can't find anybody else.
Because the dinner's tonight, Roger.
The wedding's tomorrow.
Uh-huh.
So what did the doctor say?
So it didn't technically burst!
All right, fine, Roger,
you take care of yourself.
Bye.
What does an appendix do, anyway?
I mean, it's an appendix.
That means it's extra, right?
Is there anything I can do?
[Sighs]
That wouldn't inconvenience me?
Yes. You can come with me tomorrow
to my brother's wedding.
- My date just canceled.
- A wedding, no. I'm sorry, Natalie. I can't.
It's a bad idea for- for seven reasons.
Wait, eight, actually,
now that I think of it. Nine.
Nine reasons. L-I'm s-
I can't- nine reasons.
I've got the day off.
If you can't find anybody else.
- Is Greenberg still dating
that parole officer? - No. He married her.
Actually, I own my own tuxedo.
Ooh! What about that B&E
suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
- Not cute enough to make bail.
- I'd be honored if you met my family.
It's not a date.
I understand.
I just- l-l- I need a buffer.
I can't handle my family alone. I'm a buffer.
I mean, I'm very buff.
I mean, no pun intended, unless you thought I was being funny.
Separate rooms.
[Chuckles] I should think so.
All right, thank you.
Here is the invitation.
It's in Pebble Beach.
Cool. Who's Jonathan Davenport?
That's my brother.
You're always kissably fresh with Davenport, like the toothpaste.
Um, actually, not like the toothpaste.
We are the toothpaste.
[Chuckles]
What?
- Get outta here.
- Wait a minute.
[Natalie]
What? This is you?
- Yeah.
- Why didn't you ever tell us?
Mr. Monk, if you spent three minutes
with them, you'd understand.
I kept Mitch's name for a reason.
I don't want any part of them, or that.
So I guess you're kinda loaded, huh?
[Scoffs] They are.
They wouldn't offer me a nickel. I wouldn't take it if they did.
This doesn't change anything, does it?
[Scoffing]
No. Why-Why would it?
You're-You're still Natalie.
You're still you. Yeah.
And we're still us.
You're loaded.
- Davenport!
- Karen?
Yes, Mrs. Davenport?
Where the hell is the photographer?
He told me he would meet me here.
I don't know.
But I will find him for you.
[Sighs Deeply] Thank you.
Hey, what are these?
They're cocktail napkins.
Cocktail napkins are square.
L-l-
I don't know what that is.
Okay, I'm gonna
fix this right away. Please.
Karen.
What is he?
Uh- He's a waiter.
No, I mean, is he Native American, is he a hippie? What?
Oh, l-I don't know.
Well, I just don't think
he should serve tomorrow.
I mean, he just
doesn't quite fit.
[Sighs]
Oh, and I've changed my mind about the ratatouille. It'll drip!
It'll drip all over everything.
Tell the cook.
Do you believe
I have to do everything? Yes, dear.
[Sighs]
Oh! Princess!
[Julie]
Grandma.! Grandpa.!
Is that your dad?
Robert Davenport. Everybody calls him "Bobby."
- Grandpa!
- Look at you! Oh, God!
You're gonna be the prettiest
flower girl in the world. [Laughing]
Hello, sweetheart.
What does he do?
He inherits money.
What about your Mom?
That's Peggy.
She has two hobbies: Tennis,
and making me feel like dirt.
She's a champion at both.
They look nice.
Oh, then, you'll fit right in,
because looking nice is what matters around here.
When I was in high school, all they
cared about was whether I was dating the right guy from the right family.
And? Did you?
I dated all the wrong guys.
Some of them were really wrong.
Like Mitch.
They still refuse to put his picture on the piano.
What, that means something?
Yeah, it means something to them, and me.
[Softly]
Ugh, I'm sweating. I feel like I'm allergic to them.
Is that possible?
Wait, come here, come here, come here!
I need a signal.
A signal?
Yeah. L-lf I start to panic, just-
I'll just ask you what time it is.
Okay? Just get me
out of there, right? Just drag me away.
"What time is it?" I got it.
Don't worry. [Gasping]
[Softly]
Hi, Mom. Umm-
Hello, sweetheart.
Hello, my dear.
[Clears Throat]
Oh, this is my friend. This is Randy Disher.
Mr. And Mrs. Davenport,
it's a pleasure to meet you.
Both of you.
I've heard great things about you.
Like what?
Well, uh, not about you, specifically.
About your toothpaste.
Especially that new kind with the mouthwash built right in?
I'll bet you were
the inspiration for that. [Chuckles]
Why?
What's wrong with my breath?
What time is it?
What?
What time is it?
No.
[Rattling]
There's something wrong
with this Bloody Mary.
Oh, honey, you're a bartender.
Taste that.
Mom, I'm not
a bartender anymore. Oh, I'm sorry.
You're, you're, uh, a junior
detective or something.
I'm an assistant to
a private Investigator.
- It's just so hard to keep straight.
I mean, what is this, job number 17? - [Sighs]
Randy, sweetheart, be a dear.
Taste this for me. What's wrong with it?
- Not enough celery salt.
- Oh, that's it. That's exactly what I thought.
Okay, so where's Jonathan?
I haven't even met Teresa yet.
Oh, you're going to love her.
She's fantastic.
[Chuckles]
Whoa. Hold the presses. You actually approve.
Oh, yes, we approve.
[Laughing]
We could hardly be standing
here if we didn't approve.
- So I guess you had her checked out?
- Yes, I did. This all happened very quickly.
- Yeah, they met about
three weeks ago in Hawaii. - She's never been married.
Both ofher parents are deceased.
- She'd been living off a very healthy trust
fund, so this girl is not after the money. - Huge.
This is the real thing.
Jonathan's very happy.
She makes him happy.
That's all that matters.
- Mitch made me happy, Mother.
- Nat- Peg.
This is never-
Ah, ah. This is Jonathan's day.
- Can we not do this?
- Okay. I won't!
I'm gonna go find Julie.
Well, we haven't checked in yet.
Which way is the main office?
Back down the steps
and across the parking lot.
Great! See you later, Peggy.
Bobby.
Hey, listen, I gotta get going.
You're okay, right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
You don't have to check in on me.
Yes, I do. I promised Natalie
that I would, and I swore on my mother's eyes.
Captain, I'm not a baby.
I'll be fine.
Here.
Alone.
All day. Here.
You got something to drink?
It's in the fridge.
There's a chart
on the inside of the door. It's color-coded.
I don't need the chart, Monk.
[Refrigerator Door Closes]
Hey.!
I wonder how
Natalie and Randy are doing?
I love weddings.
Did you know that
I met Karen at a wedding?
I love weddings anyway.
## [Whistling Tunelessly]
You-
[Sighs]
You know who had
a great wedding?
You did.
You and Trudy.
Now that was a great day.
Where's that photo album?
[Chuckles]
She was-wow!
[Stottlemeyer]
Beautiful.
I remember, during the service,
she was crying so hard, she couldn't
even say the words, "I do."
Have you ever seen anybody
cry so much?
That was you, Monk.
And no, I have not.
[Engine Idling]
[Shifting Gears, Revving]
[Grunting]
[Stottlemeyer]
Randy? Randy? Son. Did you see who was driving the car?
Did you see?
Can you I.D. The driver? See Volvo.
Silver Volvo.
No, no, Randy, we got- We got the car. It's right here.
Who was driving?
Captain.
Yeah?
I got a license plate.
I don't need
the license plate, Randy. I'm looking right at it.
Four, Paul, "C," Charles.
He's gonna be okay, right?
Yeah. Painkillers.
How's he doing?
Broken arm, broken leg,
probably a couple of broken ribs.
Suitcase took most of the blow.
It could have been a lot worse.
Can he identify the driver?
He can't identify me.
I'll try again later.
What do ya got? Condensation.
The air conditioner was running,
and the humidity is what, about 70%.
So that car was idling
right here for about 20 minutes.
- So what, he was waiting for him?
- And the tire tracks here.
He must have peeled out at full speed.
That's right, he didn't even try
to brake. Or make the turn.
Son of a bitch!
What happened?
He was only here for an hour.
Did he piss somebody off?
No.
And, we found this on the floor of the car, near the gas pedal.
Some kind of green mud.
Well, I'll get that
to the lab right away.
- Captain, it's not your case.
- Like hell it's not!
She's right, Captain.
It's my backyard.
Lieutenant Bristo,
Monterey County Police.
How you doing?
Don't worry, you'll be copied on
every statement. Where you staying?
Uh, right here, I guess.
This is Adrian Monk.
- He'll be staying here, too.
- L-I don't think so.
- You'll be staying here, too.
- I guess I'll be staying here, too.
The car's registered to
a Margaret Davenport. Margaret Davenport?
- Aunt Madge!
- Okay, Aunt Madge.
She said somebody took
the keys out of her coat pocket, which was in a cloakroom.
She was busy putting up decorations.
So it wasn't her, but
he knew exactly where to look.
And what car was hers.
There's no Volvo markings on that key.
That could have been
anybody. An employee. [Bristo] I don't think so.
I just talked to the manager.
There was a staff meeting in progress.
Nobody was missing.
What? You're saying somebody
in my family did this? No.
[Stottlemeyer]
Let's get you upstairs. Hotel's comping you a room.
Whoa!
Okay.
- I'll catch up with you guys later.
- Okeydoke.
Oh, yes. How is he?
I hope he's gonna be all right.
Oh, now, sweetheart. I'm sorry
about your friend, but there isn't anything that you can do.
So now, we just have to-
What?
[Sighs] We soldier on.
That's right, we soldier on.
Uh, now, rehearsal dinner
is in about 20 minutes, so- What's that?
Oh, I found this outside.
But those are Randy's pants.
Oh, yes.
L-I thought this color would
be good to show the wedding planner for the tablecloths.
Khaki?
No, the blood! Crimson.
The one she picked
was sort of raspberry.
It didn't go with
any of the flowers at all. Mom, that's an evidence bag.
Yes.
You can't just take it from a crime scene.
That's a felony.
Well, the tablecloths are a felony, darling, and I'm going to give it back.
Look, you just can't take it.
Uh- No!
NatalieJane!
Thank you, darling.
Now, the rehearsal dinner's going
to be in about 20 minutes, so you're not going to be wearing that, are you?
[Sighs]
Mr. Monk!
Natalie, that gift shop does not have my toothbrush.
They do not carry
the Gertler 4000.
What am I supposed to do?
We're gonna worry about that later.
Come on. We're late.
The rehearsal dinner's in 20 minutes.
You said "We"?
You said, "We were late." I heard you say "We."
You're my date.
Congratulations. Oh, wait.
Here's the thing-
Mr. Monk, someone did this to Randy, maybe somebody in my family.
You're a detective, right?
This is your chance to look around.
Here's the thing-
Here's the thing: I can't go in there alone. You're my date.
- [Glass Ringing]
- [Laughing]
[Clears Throat]
Excuse me. [Laughs]
[Sighs]
Well, I don't normally stand up and give speeches.
In a minute,
you're gonna find out why.
I promise after tomorrow,
I'm gonna letJonathan do most of the talking.
- Don't bet on it.
- [Laughing]
Um, I just wanted
to thank you, all of you,
for making me feel so at home.
I know this all happened very quickly.
I still don't know how
you planned it all in one week.
As some of you know, I lost
my own parents in 1995...
and I never thought I would
ever feel this way again.
So...
Mr. And Mrs. Davenport,
when we met yesterday,
you asked me to call you
"Mom and Dad."
[Chuckles]
At the time, I didn't really know what to say,
but I've been thinking about it and,
"Mom and Dad,"
I would love to.
[Tearful Laughing]
Natalie, when I was growing up
in Philadelphia, I used to dream about having a big sister.
I can't wait to get to know you better.
I'm having a little
bachelorette party tonight.
I really hope you can make it.
Oh, yeah.
Stop it.!
He keeps touching my food.
No, I wasn't.
I was just helping the lad.
He seems kinda confused about-
It's mushing all together here.
He's, uh- He's fine.
He's gonna be all right.
[Camera Shutter Clicking]
[Stottlemeyer]
You got a nice background here.
[Clicks]
Very good. Thank you very much.
[Clears Throat]
Captain. What are you doing?
Taking pictures. I overheard your mother
say that the wedding photographer didn't show up, so I volunteered.
I borrowed this from
one of the, uh, crime-tech guys. Why?
Why? Because Randy says
that he thinks he might be able to identify the driver.
Did he get a good look at him?
Yep.
Male Caucasian, medium build,
red baseball cap, sunglasses.
I figured I'd take some pictures,
get 'em developed tonight... and maybe we'll get lucky.
[Chuckles]
Wait. You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
Yeah. Look, I'm doing you a favor.
It's either this, or we take everybody upstairs one at a time.
Smile.
Very nice.
Hey, Sis! Hey, Mr. Monk.
Hey, bro!
Oh!
That looks good on you.
Oh, the suit?
No, the smile. He never smiles.
Oh!
[Laughing] Never had anything to smile about.
[Chuckling]
You want my advice? Get out now, save yourself.
No! No, thanks.
I'm not going anywhere. Till death do us part.
[Chuckling]
Hey, how's your friend, Sergeant Disher?
Oh, it's Lieutenant Disher.
He got pretty banged up, but he's gonna be okay.
I can't believe
that happened right outside. Yeah, we wanted to send him some flowers.
- Which hospital is he in?
- No, he's back here. He's upstairs, just resting.
Oh, good. Well, we can
deliver the flowers ourselves. Yeah.
- Do you think he'll be able
to make it to the wedding tomorrow? - Oh, gosh.
- Probably not.
- That's too bad.
Oh, you know what?
I think I'm going to bring my new father-in-law a drink.
Wait, don't forget.
Room 304. Party. [Whoops]
[Whoops]
[Laughs]
Aw.
So?
I can't believe I'm about
to say this, but Mom was right. She's great.
You don't deserve her.
[Laughing] I don't.
We have 87 things in common.
[Chuckles]
Last night, we actually made a list.
Okay, stop this.
That's crazy.
And she doesn't have any family at all? Brothers, sisters?
No, she had an uncle, but
he was on that Pan Am flight to Madrid with her parents.
It was a Pan Am flight?
Yeah. God. She's been through so much.
But it's made her stronger.
And it's rubbing off. I feel stronger, too.
Soon I'll be strong, like you.
Oh, right. [Laughs]
She's probably looking
for me, so I'm gonna go- but I'll see you tomorrow.
Gulp!
[Laughs]
What?
Nothing.
What is it?
She-She said her parents
died in 1995.
Pan Am went out of business in '91.
So? She got a little mixed up.
Yeah.
[Sighing Deeply]
[Screaming]
[All Screaming]
Oh. No.
That "M" is a disaster.
[Chuckles]
How about this guy? That's, uh- That's Uncle Ferdy from Memphis.
[Sighs]
No. No?
No.
That's Natalie's cousin.
No.
No pictures ofTeresa?
The bride, sure.
Uh- Uh-
That's the back of her head.
That's weird. I don't have a good shot of her.
Hey.
Could it have been a woman?
Yeah, I guess so.
You think maybe she's the guy?
I don't know.
She did lie about her parents.
Well, we'll check her out.
[Phone Ringing]
I'll get it.
Oh!
[Screams In Pain]
[Sighs]
I'm gonna need a bigger bottle. Uh, Randy Disher's room.
This is Stottlemeyer.
What?
Yeah, I understand.
Uh, we'll be down there
in a minute.
They found a body.
Where?
In the spa.
Who is it?
No idea.
Okay, let's go.
You're not going anywhere.
Look, meet me downstairs. Find Natalie.
[Giggling]
We had a few complaints about you ladies!
## [Dance]
[Women Squealing]
Good thing
I brought my handcuffs! [Whooping]
Officer, I've been a bad girl.
Yeah!
[Laughing]
[All Squealing]
Hello? Hello?
Excuse me. [Laughing, Whooping]
Hello? Natalie. Natalie.
## [Continues]
Natalie. Natalie.
Mr. Monk, what's going on?
Is Randy okay?
- Is anything wrong?
- Oh, uh, yeah.
I just need to go talk to my Mom.
Uh, I'll be back. Party on!
- Bye!
- Oh, hey! You better come, too.
Me?
There's a body downstairs.
Looks like a 187.
A 187?
Yeah.
Lieutenant Bristo's down there, and
I think he wants you down there, too. Let's go.
- Okay.
- This way.
I'm coming.
## [Clicks Off]
[Women]
Ohh.! Wait. What's that?
My boom box.
Your boom box?
Okay, fine. Let's just go.
You look like
you work out a little bit. I try.
I'm looking into Pilates.
- [Shutter Clicking]
- Hey, Monk.
Who is he?
So far, he's John Doe.
We figure his wallet's
still in the mud bath.
I'm willing to bet that
that mud is the same mud that you found outside in the car.
Was he the driver?
No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least 36 hours ago.
Captain, he's the wedding photographer,
the one that's been missing.
- How do you know that?
- The discoloration on his fingertips.
It's caused by developer fluid.
I've seen it on other photographers.
[Chuckling]
I'm glad he's on our team.
Well, if you're right and he's local,
he'll probably have a studio in town.
We'll get a search warrant.
## [Boom Box]
## [Stops]
What's he doing here?
Oh, that's Hondo. He's with me.
I figured we might need
a little crowd control. [Chuckling]
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop.
He's a stripper.
I don't think so!
[Chuckles] Didn't you see his badge?
It said, "Officer Feelgood"?
So-
Monk, the guy has got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
I thought he lost his wallet.
Hold on a second.
Now, wait a minute.
[Mumbling]
Oh!
Oh, it's on my- on my shoe.
Natalie. Oh- Oh!
[Yelling Incoherently]
God! Wipe!
Ah, wipe!
Hey! No! Towel-
Now I need something bigger!
You may be right about him.
Sorry. Judge Allen
was upstate, duck hunting. You got it?
Search warrant.
We are duly authorized.
## [String Quartet:
"The Wedding March"]
You look so pretty.
Your Daddy would be so proud of you.
## [Chorus]
[Chuckling]
[Minister] Beloved friends,
we're gathered here today...
to celebrate the union
of Teresa and Jonathan,
who metjust three weeks ago-
No.
But true love has found its way.
Guy's name was Frank Ruttle.
I got a peek at his bank account.
He was broke.
Living paycheck to paycheck.
Huh.
Get this: According to his sister,
he'd been talking to real estate agents,
looking at houses.
Thought he was gonna
come into some money.
Hello!
[Laughs] Hah!
I got it! I got it!
And do you, Teresa Scott,
takeJonathan Davenport to love, honor and cherish,
for better or worse, richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health,
until death do you part?
I do.
By the power vested in me...
by the state of California, I now
pronounce you husband and wife. [Sighs]
You may kiss the bride.
May I present to you
Mr. And Mrs. Jonathan Davenport.
Oh, my God. It's her.
It's Teresa!
She's a black widow.
[Peggy] It's not her.
The hair is different.
[Natalie] Mom, she dyed
her hair blonde and cut it.
It's not her. This is
the happiest day of his life.
Why are you doing this
to your brother? I'm doing this forJonathan.
Mom, this explains everything.
Why she has no family, why she has no friends.
[Peggy] Her best friend is sick
and her parents happen to be dead.
Did you read this article?
She killed her first husband for his money.
She might be planning
to do it again. No, no. No, no, no.
Cancel, cancel.
I don't believe it.
Mrs. Davenport, Randy Disher
was the investigating officer six years ago.
He could identify Teresa.
That's why...
she tried to run him down
when he first got here.
I'm sorry, but that
is simply preposterous. [Clapping, Cheering]
[Screams]
Yea!
Yesterday, she called him
"Sergeant Disher."
He was a sergeant when
she knew him six years ago.
Excuse me, young man.
Could you just go?
Thank you.
We both know
what this is about. This is not about Teresa...
and some stupid photograph
that somebody found.
This is about you and me.
Oh, Mom, please stop-
Yes! You and me and Mitch,
and the fact that you think I treated him badly.
Oh, this is ridic-
And I never put his picture on the piano-
As if that meant anything.
- [Cheering]
- God!
I really don't see how you can work
for that man, or how you could take anything he says seriously.
## [Orchestra]
- May I?
- Yes, of course.
Should I be insulted?
About what?
The napkins. Are you afraid
to touch me, Mr. Monk?
Why would I be afraid of you?
I'm not marrying you.
[Gasps, Laughs]
It's a beautiful dress.
Well, thank you.
And it still fits.
What do you mean?
You wore the same dress
in Philadelphia six years ago.
At the time, you were using
the name Darlene...
Coolidge.
I saw the wedding pictures,
the ones that Frank Ruttle took.
- Who?
- Frank Ruttle.
The wedding photographer
who made the fatal mistake of recognizing you.
Mr. Monk, I'm not...
who or what you think I am.
I am denying it unequivocally.
However, if you were right,
and I was such a woman,
the last thing you'd want
to do is get in my way.
Are you threatening me?
[Chuckling] Mmm.
## [Ends]
- Hi!
- How do you plan to do it?
## [Swing]
How are you going to kill him?
This song's over, Mr. Monk.
Excuse me, Mrs. Davenport?
They're playing our song.
[Laughing]
Come here.
[Chuckling]
[Whispering]
I missed you.
[No Audible Dialogue]
You broke into her room?
Is that legal?
You don't need a search warrant
to go into a hotel room if it's after checkout.
- [Monk] Is that true?
- I don't know.
[Monk] What you got?
Red baseball cap.
- Ta-da!
- Green mud.
All right, let's arrest her.
No, no, no! Natalie! Natalie.
- We can't get her on this.
- We have to do something. They're honeymooning in Mexico.
They're gonna leave any minute.
If Randy can I.D. Her as Darlene Coolidge, then we've got her.
I'm gonna go see
if I can wake him up. Keep her here.
Don't let her leave.
## [Jazz]
[Whispering]
It's time. Okay.
We're heading out.
Already?
- Yeah.
- [Whispering] Do something!
Teresa wants to catch an earlier flight.
When she makes her up mind, that's it.
The woman's a force of nature.
Don't go.
Ohh.
I need to talk to you.
Oh, you don't need me to have fun.
You never did.
Hi. I've gotta take him.
I've gotta take him, okay? [Glass Ringing]
Wish me luck, will ya?
[Monk] Jonathan?
Look, look.
Teresa.
- [Ringing Continues]
- Just wanted to say a few words.
L-
Well, the truth is, I don't really
know either of you very well.
But I do know a couple
of things about marriage.
My wife Trudy used to say that marriage...
is 90% love and 10% forgiveness.
She was married to me,
so she was sort of an expert on forgiveness.
[Chuckling]
[Laughs]
That was a true story.
[Grunting]
Son of a bitch! Forget it!
Is there a latch?
Forget it, I'm good.
You're good?
I'm good. Go!
Okay.
Go, let's go.
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on! Okay.
Anyway, I'd like to thank all of you
for coming...
and I think I speak
on behalf of Bobby and Peggy-
No. Uh-
No, actually, you're not.
You-And, uh, Jonathan and Teresa-
l- I know you want
to take a minute now,
and just say thank you to our
wonderful waiters and waitresses.
Yes, absolutely.
Okay, okay.
[Screaming]
[Grunting, Groaning]
You know who's here,
though, is uh, Julie Teeger.
Ju- Come up here, Julie.
Come on up here, please.
Julie you know, is,
of course, Jonathan's niece.
Come, come, come on. Come!
- She has had to, uh-
- We're gonna go.
Memorize a poem for-
for-for school. [Whispering]
And she would like to recite
it for you now, in honor ofJonathan and Teresa.
Julie Teeger.
- Come on, Julie. Come on, girl.
- Okay, bye.
[Julie]
"Father William,"by Lewis Carroll.
"'You are old, Father William,'
the young man said.
"'And your hair has become very white.
[Groaning]
Sorry.
"'And yet you incessantly
stand on your head-
Do you think, at your age,
this is right?"'
[Approving Murmurs]
[Clapping]
"Do you think, at your age, this is right?"
[Sighs]
That always gets me.
[Stottlemeyer]
Okay. Okay. Look out!
Oh, geez!
[Screams]
- When I was just a lad-
- [Softly] Good job. Good job.
[Chuckles]
Well, not a lad. No, more of a young...
fella.
An adolescent.
- A teenager, really.
- Okay.
[Stottlemeyer]
Hang on.!
[Gasping]
Hey, Darlene. Long time, no see.
Is this her?
Darlene Coolidge!
[Panting] We lost track of you
back in Seattle in 2001,
but by then,
her name was Phyllis Gaffney,
and she was already on
husband number three.
He lasted five and a half weeks.
You really must have loved him.
- What's he talking about-
- Okay, don't do anything stupid!
I told you we should have eloped.
- Hey, "Dad," you have a private jet.
- It's a company jet.
I want it fueled and
ready to go in 20 minutes.
[Grunting]
- Stay away from our family.
- [Choking]
We have enough problems.
## [Slow Ballad]
[Sighs]
Thank you.
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