Monk (2002–2009): Season 4, Episode 5 - Mr. Monk Gets Drunk - full transcript
While on vacation for his anniversary, Mr. Monk chats with an intrusive but well-intentioned man at dinner. But when he wakes up the next day, everyone insists that the man was never there.
[Man On TV, Indistinct]
[Water Running]
## [Whistling]
## [Whistling Continues]
Oh!
Hello, Rudy.
Normally, I'd frisk ya to make sure
you're not packin', but in this case I'll make an exception.
Do you know who I am?
Al Nicoletto.
It's a nice hotel, huh?
I killed a guy here in '95-
'96.
'96. Memories.
I don't have the money.
I swear to God.
Well, then I'll just let you go, right?
Nobody who swears to God
could possibly be lying.
[Groans]
You and your partner stole $3. 1 million
from our friends in Miami,
more or less.
They don't have
the exact figure yet. I don't have it.
One hell of an accountant.
Ben took the money.
Ben Gruber, your partner, right?
That's right.
We were supposed to meet up
next week, split the money.
Meet where?
I don't know. Ben was gonna call.
Where is he?
California. That's all I know.
The-That postcard over there.
"Sit tight. I'll call next week."
That's all I know. I swear.
I got bad news for you, Rudy.
I believe you.
[Groans]
## [Up-tempo Folk]
# It's a jungle out there #
# Disorder and confusion
everywhere #
# No one seems to care #
# Well, I do
Hey, who's in charge here #
# It's a jungle out there #
# Poison in the very air
we breathe #
# Do you know what's in the water
that you drink, well, I do #
# And it's amazing #
# People think I'm crazy
'cause I worry all the time #
# If you paid attention
you'd be worried too #
# You better pay attention
or this world we love so much #
# Mightjust kill you #
# I could be wrong now #
# But I don't think so #
# 'Cause it's a jungle out there #
# It's a jungle out there ##
The winery's over there.
And this is the inn.
[Natalie]
Oh. It's so beautiful.
You come here every year?
Mm-hmm.
I couldn't do it.
Mitch and I honeymooned in Paris. I still haven't been back.
I have to come.
I promised Trudy.
Oh.
[Grunts]
Well, I am so looking forward
to relaxing.
You know, reading a book,
taking a bath.
Oh, I might never
leave that bathtub.
Oh, wait a minute.
Let me get that one.
Oh.
There you go.
[Grunts]
Thank you.
Oh, oh, the mail.
Pardon me?
I forgot to tell Kevin
to bring in the mail. That's okay. I talked to him.
Maybe we should call him just to-
just to be sure.
Mr. Monk, I took care of it.
He's bringing in the mail.
What are you doing?
What? You don't believe me?
Why would I lie about
something like that? To shut me up.
Mr. Monk, I'm not a liar.
I called him. [Beeping]
Just to be sure.
Mr. Monk, we are partners now.
That means we have to trust each other.
That is the rule, okay?
I have to trust you,
you have to trust me,
no matter what we say.
You're right. I'm sorry.
Yeah.
[Door Closes]
[Monk] Oh, no. Oh, no.
[Natalie]
What? Oh, it's so different.
It's not at all the way
I remember it.
Feel better?
A little.
Adrian.! Hello.!
Welcome back.
Uh-
Uh, welcome home.
[Laughs] Hello, Sylvia.
Has it really been
a year already?
Oh, you must be Natalie.
Welcome to wine country.
Sylvia Willis. Sylvia to my friends,
whom I hope is everybody. [Laughs]
Oh, Adrian, I've got
your room all ready.
Your special pillows,
special towels and your special soap.
And I hope you got
my letter about the rug. Oh, yes.
They had to replace
one of the rugs.
Oh, thank you for being
so understanding.
Uh, would you sign in, please? You're going
to be in Room 204, at the top of the stairs. Oh, sure.
Sylvia, I want to apologize
again for last year.
Oh, don't mention it.
It's ancient history.
What happened last year?
Well, it's not worth mentioning.
We had a mystery weekend,
and we hired some actors who were
going to act out a little murder.
I'm really, really sorry.
And, uh, it was supposed to be for three days.
And everybody paid in advance
for three days.
Adrian solved the case in-
What was it, 12 minutes?
L-I knew that the general's daughter
was lying about meeting Churchill,
because Churchill
wasn't knighted till 1953.
Which meant that Reginald,
the limping chauffeur who supplied her alibi, was also lying.
So obviously, they were lovers
who were planning to kill the sultan...
and steal the Arabian emerald.
Anyway, uh, we had to refund everybody's money.
No big deal.
But we learned our lesson.
No more mysteries when
Adrian Monk is in town. [Laughs]
This time we're having a wine tasting.
Uh, do you enjoy wine, Natalie?
A little more than I should.
Oh, then you must join us.
- Uh, Adrian, you don't drink, do you?
- Mmm, no.
Oh, good. Perfect.
Here are your keys.
You know the way.
Now, if you need anything,
you just call me. Okay.
Natalie, I'm going to, uh,
sit down here for a little while.
It's sort of a tradition.
You want some company?
Uh, no, no. I'll-
I'll be fine. I won't be alone.
Okay.
Well, have a good night,
Mr. Monk. Get some rest.
[Man] Right, right.
[Woman] I like to start easy.
Well, that's how
he starts there.
Okay, show your hands.
All right, fine.
I think I have two,
uh, pocket aces. [Laughs]
There's the flop.
[Chattering]
Not a day goes by
when I don't think about you.
And l-I never feel as close to you
as I do when I'm here.
It's all we-
Oh, no. No.
Please l-leave it.
Please.
It's 1984?
Yes, sir.
Allacco Cabernet, 1984.
It had your name on it.
It's my wife's favorite.
Mmm.
Thank you.
[Chattering]
Thank you for marrying me.
What were you thinking?
[Door Closes]
[Sighs]
[Chips Rattling]
[Man Laughs]
I'm sorry. That's-That's probably me.
I was a little enthusiastic with the Aqua Velva.
Do you mind if I rest my cheeks? Actually, I do.
Oh, well, if someone comes, I'll get up.
I hate drinking alone.
Um, por favor?
Se?or?
Uh-
[Speaking Spanish]
[Laughs]
Oh, I'm-I'm bilingual.
My mother was Venezuelan.
That means I can make an ass
of myself in two languages. [Laughs]
[Beeping]
Oh, ooh, ooh. Excuse me. Pardon me. I'm sorry.
Ah.
For my heart. My old ticker.
Larry Zwibell.
Adrian Monk.
Adrian, nice to know you.
So what brings you here?
Are you here for the, uh-
What, the wine tasting?
No, I come every year.
It's kind of a tradition.
Well, that's-that's nice.
Ah, please.
Mmm. Ah.
Yours is even better. Much better.
All right, let's do it. Pass it down.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Oh, transcendent.
Like a meal in itself.
Ah, just think, a week ago
I couldn't even afford a bottle of pop.
Oh, fabulous.
[Chuckles]
Hey, are you all right?
Not much of a drinker.
Oh.
[Laughs] How many have you had?
One bottle?
One sip.
Oh. Well, if you wake up tomorrow
and you're still hammered, you gotta come find me.
I'm in Room 202,
by the back staircase.
I got a great cure for a hangover.
It's 100% guaranteed.
[Woman] I'm still in.
[Man] It's the psychiatrist you know so much of.
Um- So, um,
if you'll excuse me,
I'm, uh, going to teach these rubes
how to play some cards. [Laughs]
Nice knowin' ya. Hello.
Hello, everybody. Hi.
Hello.
So, uh, what are you playing?
It's a friendly little game.
Oh. I thought you were
playing poker.
[Laughs]
Hey, is this seat taken?
No. Go ahead. Sit down.
Ah. Thank you.
[Coughing]
I'm sorry. You know what? That's probably the Aqua Velva.
Oh, my God. What did you do,
take a bath in it?
No, I didn't,
but that's not a bad idea. I'll try it next time.
Hey, Larry Zwibell.
Hey.
Hi. I brought a couple friends
with me. Maybe you'd all like to say hi.
Oh.
Ah. [Laughs]
- Pierre LaCoste.
- Ah, bonjour, Pierre.
Bonjour.
Cal Gefsky. Hi. How you doing?
This is my wife, Heidi.
Heidi.
Wife? I just can't
get used to that.
- Oh, we just got married on Saturday.
- [Larry] Congratulations.
Oh, I'm Dr. David Sobin.
Nice to see you.
He's a psychiatrist, you know,
so watch out for him.
A shrink? No, you're kidding.
Wait, hold on.
I got a great joke. Okay,
have you guys heard this one?
A guy goes to a psychiatrist,
and he says, "Doctor, my wife thinks she's a refrigerator."
And-And the psychiatrist says,
"Well, just ignore her." And the guy says, "I can't.
When she sleeps with her mouth open,
the little light keeps me awake all night."
[Laughing]
The little light.
Hey, Adrian. What,
are you gonna give up? Uh, I think so.
Good night.
Oh, excuse me. Um, excuse me.
Um, before you go,
would you take our picture? Uh, sure.
Oh. Oh, good idea.
Okay.
Oh, oh.
Hold still.
Hold-Hold still.
Ready. Smile.
Wait. Let-Let's stand
oldest to youngest.
So that would be you,
then you, then you. Mr. Monk.
I will take the picture.
[Beeps]
[Shutter Clicks]
Oh, Mr. Monk.
I was just coming to get you.
Shh.
It's a beautiful day. They have an amazing breakfast downstairs.
Shh.
Are you okay?
Mmm.
Were you drinking?
Just a little. Not even a glass.
[Groans]
Oh.
Oh, I met a guy. He's in 202.
He said he had a cure for this.
Uh, he said it was-
He said it was guaranteed.
Well, here. 202.
202.
Larry? It's-It's Adrian
from last night.
Hello?
Oh, sorry.
L-I was looking for Larry.
Huh?
Ah, did you switch rooms?
No, no.
Well, he said 202,
at the back.
Well, who-who-who are you
talking about?
Larry- Larry Zwibell,
uh, from last night.
You played poker with him?
Uh, no, no, you're mistaken.
You see, I don't know
anybody by this name. Excuse me. Pardon me.
Oh, good morning.
I hope you're hungry. Hi, good morning.
Uh, we're looking for a guest-
a Larry Zwibell?
Uh, who?
He checked in last night. You remember? Room 202.
Adrian, nobody checked in yesterday
except for you and Natalie.
No. No, no, no.
Sylvia, I talked to him.
He-He- Larry Zwibell.
Uh, see for yourself.
He was here.
I talked to him.
You have to believe me.
Okay.
There are three cars
in the parking lot, plus mine.
The same three cars
that were there last night. Maybe he left.
That wouldn't explain
why everybody's lying.
Then why didn't
he check in? He did check in.
He said Room 202. Look.
We signed in on the bottom
of this page.
Sylvia could have removed
the next page.
Why would she do that,
Mr. Monk?
I don't know.
Something happened.
Something happened here.
Come on. Are you sure
you only had one drink?
Natalie, I met him.
He-He spoke Spanish,
and he reeked of... Aqua Velva.
You believe me, right?
You said we have to believe each other.
You said that was the rule.
That's true. That's true.
[Clears Throat]
Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you all,
but we're looking for a guest,
Larry Zwibell.
He was here last night.
Uh, who?
[Laughs]
I told you I never heard of him.
He played poker with you.
He told you that joke
about the psychiatrist.
The wife who thinks
she's a refrigerator.
And the psychiatrist says,
"Just ignore it."
But the man says, "I can't,
because when she sleeps with her mouth open,
the little light inside her mouth
keeps me awake."
[All Laughing]
That's brilliant.
Why-Why are you laughing?
Because it's funny.
B-B-But you already heard it.
You heard it last night.
They already heard it.
Maybe it's your delivery.
[Sighs] Did you notice
the French guy did this?
That's his tell. I was watching him
play poker last night.
Whenever he bluffed,
he rubbed his nose.
I'm telling you.
He did it upstairs earlier too.
He's lying. They are all lying.
It's- It's a conspiracy.
Mr. Monk, why?
They don't even know each other.
Ah, Ricardo.
Se?or?
Ricardo, you remember
my friend?
He- He was sitting with me
at that table right there.
He spoke Spanish to you.
He ordered the Degout pinot.
I am sorry, se?or.
There was no one there.
You were alone all night.
Ricardo.
Excuse me.
Well, you're gettin'
an early start. [Laughs]
The tasting doesn't begin
until noon.
May I?
Oh, they make this here.
Mmm. They just released it
this morning.
How is it?
It's good. It's, uh- It's sweet.
But it has a, um-
has a weird aftertaste to it. Ahh.
Do you taste it?
Mmm, no, not really.
I'm a little bit worried
about your friend.
I'm a psychiatrist,
and I saw him yesterday talking to an empty chair.
Oh, yeah, he does that.
His wife died eight years ago. He talks to her.
Mrs. Willis said
he used to be a detective. He was discharged.
May I ask, why is he here?
Well, it's his anniversary,
and they honeymooned here, so-
So, this is probably a...
time of stress for him?
Does he handle stress well?
No. He handles stress unwell.
Lonely, uh, children, uh, will sometimes
make up a person in their minds-
an imaginary friend,
if you will.
I've seen it a lot in my practice.
I've seen adults do it too.
Well, you don't know Adrian Monk.
He's a great detective.
The police don't make a move
without talking to him first.
Now, I don't know
what's going on here,
but if he says he met a man
named Larry Zwibell, then he met a man named Larry Zwibell.
Oh, this is interesting.
There's nothing upstairs.
What's going on?
Uh, excuse me.
- [Natalie]
What do you think? - About what?
The signature.
The painter.
He has the same name as-
As my hallucination?
Hey, I didn't say that.
But, Mr. Monk, you gotta admit
it looks kind of bad.
People might think
that you saw the name...
and made up a person.
Or the man I met...
saw the name on that painting...
and decided to use it for himself.
The camera.
Natalie, they took a photo
last night-
a-a-a group photo-
and he was in it. [Door Closes]
And this is our 2002
cabernet sauvignon.
I think you'll like it.
It's slightly softer and more tannic than the merlot.
You've got to get
that camera. Okay.
All right, but you stay here.
Ah. Will you be joining us?
Yes.
Good. The more the merrier.
Thank you.
Next we're going to try
the Syrah.
Now, the Syrah comes
from our very own grapes in the east vineyard.
What are you drinking?
Uh, it's the, uh-
the Sierra Springs.
How is it?
It's exquisite.
Is this your first wine tasting?
I'll explain what they're doing.
There are five steps. We call them the "Five S's"-
Mm-hmm.
See, swirl, sniff, sip and spit.
Now, they're on step one.
How does the wine look?
Is it rich in color?
Does it react with the light?
Excuse me.
Uh, what was that last one,
uh, step five?
Spit.
So, they're-they're-they're
going to be spitting? That's it.
Mmm. Here. I can hold
your camera for you. Oh, I'm good.
- Now they're on step three.
- Oh, step three.
Sniffing. You smell the wine.
Inhale deeply.
Do you smell the fruit
or the herbs?
Uh, so that means, really,
there's only two steps left until the spitting.
That's right.
Uh, all-all at once?
All of them spitting on the-
on the porch here, uh, with me on-on the porch?
- Now they're sipping.
- Sipping? So spitting is next. Oh, God.
[Monk]
Oh, here it comes.
[Groans]
[Groaning Continues]
[Laughing]
This is so much fun, isn't it?
How about a group shot?
A little newlywed group shot. Um-
I'll take it.
No. Maybe later.
Oh, my God.
It's a kissing fern.
A what?
Yeah. They're called kissing ferns.
It's supposed to be good luck
for newlyweds to kiss underneath one.
Have you heard that song?
"Kiss Me Under the Kissing Fern, Baby"?
Mmm.
Yeah, yeah.
[Natalie]
Yeah? [Cal] Okay, yeah.
Yeah, okay, well,
in that case, uh-
[Clears Throat]
Yeah.
There, all right?
Oh, wow.
Y-You don't get it. It's so cute.
Let me take a picture.
Gotta get a great angle here.
[Mouthing Words]
You can take the picture.
[Laughs]
# Kiss me #
# Underneath the kissin' fern #
# Baby #
#The hanging plant #
- #The hanging plant #
- # Ba-boom, boom, boom #
- # Of love #
- # Ba-ba, ba, ba, boo, boom #
#The kissin'-##
[Snapping]
[Sighs]
You'll feel better
when you get home. We'll call Dr. Kroger.
It's Saturday.
We'll call Dr. Kroger.
Natalie, I met him.
I talked to him.
He was so real.
How could l-
How could I be so wrong?
I'm never taking another drink
as long as I live.
Mr. Monk, some people
just have no tolerance.
I used to work in a bar.
I saw it all the time.
You had two sips. That's like 10 shots
to a normal person. Thank you.
Hey, folks. How you doin'?
Listen, I'm lookin' for my brother.
He's gone missing.
Have you seen him?
That's him!
That's the guy!
You know him?
L-I met him last night.
- Really?
- That's him.
Wanna tell me about it?
I don't know what he told you, you know.
His real name is Ben Gruber.
Our mother's been
worried sick about him.
Thank God. I thought
I was losing my mind.
I knew he was into wine,
so I've been checkin' all the vineyards...
- and the little hotels in the area.
- And you're his brother?
- Allen. Allen Gruber. Pleasure.
- Hi. Natalie Teeger.
Natalie.
This is Adrian Monk.
Let me get this straight.
Everybody here is pretending they never met him?
Everyone.
Aw, poor kid.
- He's gotta be scared to death.
- Why?
He stole some money from a bank
that he works for, right?
And he took off.
I talked to the local D.A., and she said,
you know, they'd go easy on him if he turned himself in.
That's why I'm here.
I figured, you know, if I showed up,
maybe I could find him,
maybe I could talk him into returning the money.
- How much did he take?
- $3.1 million.
Whew.
[Exhales]
Although it sounds like
he's spending some of it already.
He's been paying people off
to say they've never heard of him.
Do you think he's still here?
I mean, why would he stay?
What was he driving?
'86 Buick, last I heard.
What are the odds?
An '86 Buick.
Well, it can't be his.
This car has been here forever. Mmm, I don't think so.
There's a dent here,
but no rust.
And there's no rust
in the wheel wells.
This car hasn't been here long.
So he's still here
somewhere, right? Well, he's not in that house.
And we call this
the barrel room.
These containers are filled
with 60 gallons of our world-famous chardonnay.
It's gonna age in these containers
for exactly 11 months.
I like to think of it as a living thing,
like a baby growing inside a mother's womb.
Mr. Gruber.
I thought we'd lost you.
Oh, sorry.
I just got turned around.
If you follow me,
we're literally going to be stepping back in time.
Wine stomping. It's a tradition
that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks.
We're one of the last vineyards in California
that at least make some of their wine using this method.
[Monk]
Oh, my God.
Do people actually
drink that? Yeah, I think so.
Are they insane?
Go ask her if they're insane.
J-Just ask her.
I'm not gonna ask her that, Mr. Monk.
And of course, we can't press
all of our wine like this. It would take too long.
But we do make one label
using this method,
the Allacco Cabernet.
[Yelps]
It can be bought from
our store out front.
Uh-
[Gags]
I can't believe that's the Allacco Cabernet.
[Natalie] I know. Just take it easy.
I've been drinking that wine
for 15 years. It's foot wine.
I can taste it.
Oh, well, come on. You cannot taste it.
L-l-I can.
I can taste the feet now.
I can taste-And the toes-
What's between the toe-
And the fungus.
It really is barbaric.
Okay, I didn't see any fungus.
Look, I'm sure they have clean feet.
There are probably rules
about that stuff.
[Squishing]
Okay, I admit it.
That's pretty disgusting.
I saw a vending machine back there.
You want a soda?
Excuse me?
To wash your mouth out. You want a soda?
Uh, that would be great.
Thanks.
Tome su tiempo.
What?
It means, "Take your time."
Right.
Natalie.
Natalie, he's lying.
This guy and the man I met last night
are not brothers.
He just said "soda."
And Zwibell- Gruber- whatever his name is- said "pop."
And he was bilingual.
This guy doesn't speak a word of Spanish.
They could not have grown up
in the same house.
Okay, I need to find out
who he really is.
Listen, can you break into
his car?
Can I break into his car?
Yes, I can. Okay.
I'll keep him busy.
I'll take him to the bar. I'll try to get him drunk.
I'll loosen him up.
Maybe he'll make a misstep.
W-Wait.
You're gonna drink? Don't worry.
I know what I'm doing.
Hi. I'm sitting with
my friend over there.
He would like a bottle
of your house white. Okay.
And, uh, do you have
any nonalcoholic wine?
We have a very nice claret.
Zero alcohol.
No alcohol at all?
That's what I said.
I'll have that.
Could you put it in a carafe?
Uh, you don't have to bring the bottle.
You got it. We'll bring it over to you.
Table 12 needs a bottle
of the house white...
and a carafe of that claret.
You got it.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
I do appreciate you
taking such an interest, Mr. Monk.
Uh, well,
I have a brother too.
I'd be worried sick
if anything happened to him.
So, to your brother.
Wherever the hell he is.
Thirsty boy.
Catch me if you can.
Do you have a lot of friends?
I'll bet you do.
[Slurring]
Sometimes I turn on the TV,
and I turn the sound way down.
Mmm. I pretend that
they're talkin' to me.
That everybody likes me.
"Adrian, welcome back.
Oh, we're so happy to see you.
We are so happy to see you."
I'll bet you have a lot of friends.
You look like a moose.
[Laughing]
You do.
I'm gonna call you...
Mr. Look-Like-a-Moose.
Look-Like-a-Moose.
[Laughing]
So about your brother.
I'm sorry about the moose thing.
Hey, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait. First, listen.
What song is this?
## [Banging]
## [Whistling]
[Clinks]
Al Nicoletto?
Captain Stottlemeyer, please.
It's important.
[Mumbling]
Maybe you've had enough, Mr. Monk.
No. No, no, no, no.
I'm- I'm fine.
I'm fine. Mmm.
Isn't this great?
Just a couple of guys sittin' in a revolving restaurant.
Ah, I love that.
[Panting]
Hey. Mr. Monk.
Can I just talk to you
for a second in private? [Laughing]
[Natalie Laughing]
Missed it.
[Laughing Continues]
[Muttering]
All right.
You're drunk.
No way. It's al- It's nonalcoholic.
[Groans]
[Laughing Continues]
I've got him right where
I want him! Look!
I'm winking.
Okay, Mr. Monk, listen to me.
You were right. His name isn't Gruber. It's Al NicolettoJr.
He has five arrests.
No convictions. He's a contract killer.
Al, is this true?
Yes or no, is this true?
[Monk Mumbling]
[Natalie] I already called the police.
They're on their way,
so don't do anything stupid. Don't you do anything stupid.
And so it is agreed!
And let the word go forth
that nobody will do anything stupid.
Let's go. Let's go.
What are you doing? Oh, you'll thank me later.
Forget the bottle!
[Groans] [Grunts]
Mr. Monk, hit him!
With what?
[Screams]
A bottle!
- Which one?
- It doesn't matter!
[Groans]
[Grunts]
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
I almost had a heart attack. [Groans]
Oh, God.
Heart attack.
[Stottlemeyer]
Yeah, I'd say he's pretty important.
The feds are sending
a private plane to pick him up.
Nine-millimeter.
Ben Gruber's partner was found
shot to death in his hotel room in New York City five days ago.
Now, I'm betting that
those bullets match this gun.
They got him. Watch the feds
take all the credit.
Captain?
You have got to see this. What?
Monk's in there doin' one
of his summation things.
He's wasted.
When I hear-
When-When I heard N-N-Natalie...
say she almost had a heart attack,
I remember-
I remembered that Larry Zwibell,
a.k.a., also known as Ben Gruber,
was taking heart medicine.
Cappy!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Captain Leland "Sottlemeyer," homicide.
Show 'em-
Show 'em your badge. All right.
Show it. Show-Show-Show it.
Show it. Monk-
Show-
I solved the case. Good. Good, good.
Let's-Let's, um-
Okay.
Let's let these people
go to their rooms, okay? Show it.
Wh-Wh-Where's your gun?
He's got a gun.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
You don't understand. No, no, no.
These are the suspects.
Oh, yeah. They're all in on it.
Well, what did they do?
What did they- Look at 'em!
I mean, look!
Oh, look at 'em.
Okay. Okay.
They may not look like cold-blooded killers,
but they're, uh-
Oh, they're "crinimals." Yeah.
They're "crinimals."
Crin- Criminals.
- [Gasps]
Mr. Monk. - They're criminals! I'm tellin' ya.
Oh, yeah. We're gonna need
a big ole paddy wagon.
Do they still have
paddy wagons?
Here you go, Mr. Monk.
Please, please drink this coffee.
Okay.
Now.
Cup o'joe.
Keep that warm.
No, no, no.
Here's what happened.
I went to bed around 10:00.
They were still playin'poker.
Gruber must've needed
more cash,
so he went upstairs to get it.
I went to bed around 10:00.
They were all still playin' the poker.
Monk. We've heard
this part already.
Cappy! Cappy, you made it.
Oh. Oh. How do you do it?
L- l- I love you.
I just- Oh.
[Laughs]
Uh. Uh.
I love you too, Monk.
You just-You just got-
You-
Okay. Let's go sleep it off,
all right?
Thank-Thank-Thanks for the-
What?
Thanks for the- Look at that.
What's that thing?
[Laughs]
All right, come here.
Come here. Come here.
I'm gonna get me one.
Up to bed.
Oh, w-wait!
See, Gruber never came back.
They got worried
and decided to go upstairs and check on him.
They found Ben Gruber dead.
He was dead from a heart attack.
And cash- $3. 1 million.
[No Audible Dialogue]
They must have figured somebody would be comin'around lookin'for it.
That's the kind of money
people come lookin'for.
What to do? What to do?
Well, they decided to hide the body
and split the money.
If anybody asked,
they were gonna pretend they never heard ofhim.
Hold on.
[Sighs, Sniffs]
Here's what happened.
If we don't take the money-
[Continues, Indistinct] They got rid of Gruber's car.
Then they removed the page
with his signature...
from the guest book.
And retook the group photo
without him.
He was gone.
It was like he never existed.
[Shutter Clicks]
Gone like a ghost.
- Did you find the money?
- Not yet.
He says there was a conspiracy,
and we all took the money.
I say this character Gruber
junked his own car,
took the cash,
and hitchhiked to Mexico.
Can you prove
I'm wrong? Nope.
He's right. Without a body,
we don't have a case.
[Snoring]
Monk?
Monk.
[Snoring Continues]
Okay, um, I guess
you're all free to go.
Lieutenant, take everybody's address.
Make sure it's a valid I.D.
Yes, sir. Uh, if everybody could
just follow me. We're sorry about the inconvenience.
[Sighs]
What is it?
What is what?
This is their new wine. They bottle it next door.
But it has this funky, weird aftertaste,
and I cannot put my finger on it.
Here.
[Sniffs]
It smells like Aqua Velva.
Oh, my God.
[Snoring Continues]
Oh, my God.
It's Aqua Velva.
It's Aqua Velva.
[Mutters]
It's Aqua Velva.
[Chattering]
[LaCoste]
It was the old lady's idea!
[Natalie]
What's gonna happen to them?
[Stottlemeyer]
They didn't kill anybody, so they'll probably be home soon.
Uh, he's a real party animal.
[Laughs]
Okay. You drive safely, Natalie.
We'll see you around campus.
Thank you, Captain. I will.
Happy anniversary, Adrian.
Sorry I didn't believe you.
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
[Water Running]
## [Whistling]
## [Whistling Continues]
Oh!
Hello, Rudy.
Normally, I'd frisk ya to make sure
you're not packin', but in this case I'll make an exception.
Do you know who I am?
Al Nicoletto.
It's a nice hotel, huh?
I killed a guy here in '95-
'96.
'96. Memories.
I don't have the money.
I swear to God.
Well, then I'll just let you go, right?
Nobody who swears to God
could possibly be lying.
[Groans]
You and your partner stole $3. 1 million
from our friends in Miami,
more or less.
They don't have
the exact figure yet. I don't have it.
One hell of an accountant.
Ben took the money.
Ben Gruber, your partner, right?
That's right.
We were supposed to meet up
next week, split the money.
Meet where?
I don't know. Ben was gonna call.
Where is he?
California. That's all I know.
The-That postcard over there.
"Sit tight. I'll call next week."
That's all I know. I swear.
I got bad news for you, Rudy.
I believe you.
[Groans]
## [Up-tempo Folk]
# It's a jungle out there #
# Disorder and confusion
everywhere #
# No one seems to care #
# Well, I do
Hey, who's in charge here #
# It's a jungle out there #
# Poison in the very air
we breathe #
# Do you know what's in the water
that you drink, well, I do #
# And it's amazing #
# People think I'm crazy
'cause I worry all the time #
# If you paid attention
you'd be worried too #
# You better pay attention
or this world we love so much #
# Mightjust kill you #
# I could be wrong now #
# But I don't think so #
# 'Cause it's a jungle out there #
# It's a jungle out there ##
The winery's over there.
And this is the inn.
[Natalie]
Oh. It's so beautiful.
You come here every year?
Mm-hmm.
I couldn't do it.
Mitch and I honeymooned in Paris. I still haven't been back.
I have to come.
I promised Trudy.
Oh.
[Grunts]
Well, I am so looking forward
to relaxing.
You know, reading a book,
taking a bath.
Oh, I might never
leave that bathtub.
Oh, wait a minute.
Let me get that one.
Oh.
There you go.
[Grunts]
Thank you.
Oh, oh, the mail.
Pardon me?
I forgot to tell Kevin
to bring in the mail. That's okay. I talked to him.
Maybe we should call him just to-
just to be sure.
Mr. Monk, I took care of it.
He's bringing in the mail.
What are you doing?
What? You don't believe me?
Why would I lie about
something like that? To shut me up.
Mr. Monk, I'm not a liar.
I called him. [Beeping]
Just to be sure.
Mr. Monk, we are partners now.
That means we have to trust each other.
That is the rule, okay?
I have to trust you,
you have to trust me,
no matter what we say.
You're right. I'm sorry.
Yeah.
[Door Closes]
[Monk] Oh, no. Oh, no.
[Natalie]
What? Oh, it's so different.
It's not at all the way
I remember it.
Feel better?
A little.
Adrian.! Hello.!
Welcome back.
Uh-
Uh, welcome home.
[Laughs] Hello, Sylvia.
Has it really been
a year already?
Oh, you must be Natalie.
Welcome to wine country.
Sylvia Willis. Sylvia to my friends,
whom I hope is everybody. [Laughs]
Oh, Adrian, I've got
your room all ready.
Your special pillows,
special towels and your special soap.
And I hope you got
my letter about the rug. Oh, yes.
They had to replace
one of the rugs.
Oh, thank you for being
so understanding.
Uh, would you sign in, please? You're going
to be in Room 204, at the top of the stairs. Oh, sure.
Sylvia, I want to apologize
again for last year.
Oh, don't mention it.
It's ancient history.
What happened last year?
Well, it's not worth mentioning.
We had a mystery weekend,
and we hired some actors who were
going to act out a little murder.
I'm really, really sorry.
And, uh, it was supposed to be for three days.
And everybody paid in advance
for three days.
Adrian solved the case in-
What was it, 12 minutes?
L-I knew that the general's daughter
was lying about meeting Churchill,
because Churchill
wasn't knighted till 1953.
Which meant that Reginald,
the limping chauffeur who supplied her alibi, was also lying.
So obviously, they were lovers
who were planning to kill the sultan...
and steal the Arabian emerald.
Anyway, uh, we had to refund everybody's money.
No big deal.
But we learned our lesson.
No more mysteries when
Adrian Monk is in town. [Laughs]
This time we're having a wine tasting.
Uh, do you enjoy wine, Natalie?
A little more than I should.
Oh, then you must join us.
- Uh, Adrian, you don't drink, do you?
- Mmm, no.
Oh, good. Perfect.
Here are your keys.
You know the way.
Now, if you need anything,
you just call me. Okay.
Natalie, I'm going to, uh,
sit down here for a little while.
It's sort of a tradition.
You want some company?
Uh, no, no. I'll-
I'll be fine. I won't be alone.
Okay.
Well, have a good night,
Mr. Monk. Get some rest.
[Man] Right, right.
[Woman] I like to start easy.
Well, that's how
he starts there.
Okay, show your hands.
All right, fine.
I think I have two,
uh, pocket aces. [Laughs]
There's the flop.
[Chattering]
Not a day goes by
when I don't think about you.
And l-I never feel as close to you
as I do when I'm here.
It's all we-
Oh, no. No.
Please l-leave it.
Please.
It's 1984?
Yes, sir.
Allacco Cabernet, 1984.
It had your name on it.
It's my wife's favorite.
Mmm.
Thank you.
[Chattering]
Thank you for marrying me.
What were you thinking?
[Door Closes]
[Sighs]
[Chips Rattling]
[Man Laughs]
I'm sorry. That's-That's probably me.
I was a little enthusiastic with the Aqua Velva.
Do you mind if I rest my cheeks? Actually, I do.
Oh, well, if someone comes, I'll get up.
I hate drinking alone.
Um, por favor?
Se?or?
Uh-
[Speaking Spanish]
[Laughs]
Oh, I'm-I'm bilingual.
My mother was Venezuelan.
That means I can make an ass
of myself in two languages. [Laughs]
[Beeping]
Oh, ooh, ooh. Excuse me. Pardon me. I'm sorry.
Ah.
For my heart. My old ticker.
Larry Zwibell.
Adrian Monk.
Adrian, nice to know you.
So what brings you here?
Are you here for the, uh-
What, the wine tasting?
No, I come every year.
It's kind of a tradition.
Well, that's-that's nice.
Ah, please.
Mmm. Ah.
Yours is even better. Much better.
All right, let's do it. Pass it down.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Oh, transcendent.
Like a meal in itself.
Ah, just think, a week ago
I couldn't even afford a bottle of pop.
Oh, fabulous.
[Chuckles]
Hey, are you all right?
Not much of a drinker.
Oh.
[Laughs] How many have you had?
One bottle?
One sip.
Oh. Well, if you wake up tomorrow
and you're still hammered, you gotta come find me.
I'm in Room 202,
by the back staircase.
I got a great cure for a hangover.
It's 100% guaranteed.
[Woman] I'm still in.
[Man] It's the psychiatrist you know so much of.
Um- So, um,
if you'll excuse me,
I'm, uh, going to teach these rubes
how to play some cards. [Laughs]
Nice knowin' ya. Hello.
Hello, everybody. Hi.
Hello.
So, uh, what are you playing?
It's a friendly little game.
Oh. I thought you were
playing poker.
[Laughs]
Hey, is this seat taken?
No. Go ahead. Sit down.
Ah. Thank you.
[Coughing]
I'm sorry. You know what? That's probably the Aqua Velva.
Oh, my God. What did you do,
take a bath in it?
No, I didn't,
but that's not a bad idea. I'll try it next time.
Hey, Larry Zwibell.
Hey.
Hi. I brought a couple friends
with me. Maybe you'd all like to say hi.
Oh.
Ah. [Laughs]
- Pierre LaCoste.
- Ah, bonjour, Pierre.
Bonjour.
Cal Gefsky. Hi. How you doing?
This is my wife, Heidi.
Heidi.
Wife? I just can't
get used to that.
- Oh, we just got married on Saturday.
- [Larry] Congratulations.
Oh, I'm Dr. David Sobin.
Nice to see you.
He's a psychiatrist, you know,
so watch out for him.
A shrink? No, you're kidding.
Wait, hold on.
I got a great joke. Okay,
have you guys heard this one?
A guy goes to a psychiatrist,
and he says, "Doctor, my wife thinks she's a refrigerator."
And-And the psychiatrist says,
"Well, just ignore her." And the guy says, "I can't.
When she sleeps with her mouth open,
the little light keeps me awake all night."
[Laughing]
The little light.
Hey, Adrian. What,
are you gonna give up? Uh, I think so.
Good night.
Oh, excuse me. Um, excuse me.
Um, before you go,
would you take our picture? Uh, sure.
Oh. Oh, good idea.
Okay.
Oh, oh.
Hold still.
Hold-Hold still.
Ready. Smile.
Wait. Let-Let's stand
oldest to youngest.
So that would be you,
then you, then you. Mr. Monk.
I will take the picture.
[Beeps]
[Shutter Clicks]
Oh, Mr. Monk.
I was just coming to get you.
Shh.
It's a beautiful day. They have an amazing breakfast downstairs.
Shh.
Are you okay?
Mmm.
Were you drinking?
Just a little. Not even a glass.
[Groans]
Oh.
Oh, I met a guy. He's in 202.
He said he had a cure for this.
Uh, he said it was-
He said it was guaranteed.
Well, here. 202.
202.
Larry? It's-It's Adrian
from last night.
Hello?
Oh, sorry.
L-I was looking for Larry.
Huh?
Ah, did you switch rooms?
No, no.
Well, he said 202,
at the back.
Well, who-who-who are you
talking about?
Larry- Larry Zwibell,
uh, from last night.
You played poker with him?
Uh, no, no, you're mistaken.
You see, I don't know
anybody by this name. Excuse me. Pardon me.
Oh, good morning.
I hope you're hungry. Hi, good morning.
Uh, we're looking for a guest-
a Larry Zwibell?
Uh, who?
He checked in last night. You remember? Room 202.
Adrian, nobody checked in yesterday
except for you and Natalie.
No. No, no, no.
Sylvia, I talked to him.
He-He- Larry Zwibell.
Uh, see for yourself.
He was here.
I talked to him.
You have to believe me.
Okay.
There are three cars
in the parking lot, plus mine.
The same three cars
that were there last night. Maybe he left.
That wouldn't explain
why everybody's lying.
Then why didn't
he check in? He did check in.
He said Room 202. Look.
We signed in on the bottom
of this page.
Sylvia could have removed
the next page.
Why would she do that,
Mr. Monk?
I don't know.
Something happened.
Something happened here.
Come on. Are you sure
you only had one drink?
Natalie, I met him.
He-He spoke Spanish,
and he reeked of... Aqua Velva.
You believe me, right?
You said we have to believe each other.
You said that was the rule.
That's true. That's true.
[Clears Throat]
Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you all,
but we're looking for a guest,
Larry Zwibell.
He was here last night.
Uh, who?
[Laughs]
I told you I never heard of him.
He played poker with you.
He told you that joke
about the psychiatrist.
The wife who thinks
she's a refrigerator.
And the psychiatrist says,
"Just ignore it."
But the man says, "I can't,
because when she sleeps with her mouth open,
the little light inside her mouth
keeps me awake."
[All Laughing]
That's brilliant.
Why-Why are you laughing?
Because it's funny.
B-B-But you already heard it.
You heard it last night.
They already heard it.
Maybe it's your delivery.
[Sighs] Did you notice
the French guy did this?
That's his tell. I was watching him
play poker last night.
Whenever he bluffed,
he rubbed his nose.
I'm telling you.
He did it upstairs earlier too.
He's lying. They are all lying.
It's- It's a conspiracy.
Mr. Monk, why?
They don't even know each other.
Ah, Ricardo.
Se?or?
Ricardo, you remember
my friend?
He- He was sitting with me
at that table right there.
He spoke Spanish to you.
He ordered the Degout pinot.
I am sorry, se?or.
There was no one there.
You were alone all night.
Ricardo.
Excuse me.
Well, you're gettin'
an early start. [Laughs]
The tasting doesn't begin
until noon.
May I?
Oh, they make this here.
Mmm. They just released it
this morning.
How is it?
It's good. It's, uh- It's sweet.
But it has a, um-
has a weird aftertaste to it. Ahh.
Do you taste it?
Mmm, no, not really.
I'm a little bit worried
about your friend.
I'm a psychiatrist,
and I saw him yesterday talking to an empty chair.
Oh, yeah, he does that.
His wife died eight years ago. He talks to her.
Mrs. Willis said
he used to be a detective. He was discharged.
May I ask, why is he here?
Well, it's his anniversary,
and they honeymooned here, so-
So, this is probably a...
time of stress for him?
Does he handle stress well?
No. He handles stress unwell.
Lonely, uh, children, uh, will sometimes
make up a person in their minds-
an imaginary friend,
if you will.
I've seen it a lot in my practice.
I've seen adults do it too.
Well, you don't know Adrian Monk.
He's a great detective.
The police don't make a move
without talking to him first.
Now, I don't know
what's going on here,
but if he says he met a man
named Larry Zwibell, then he met a man named Larry Zwibell.
Oh, this is interesting.
There's nothing upstairs.
What's going on?
Uh, excuse me.
- [Natalie]
What do you think? - About what?
The signature.
The painter.
He has the same name as-
As my hallucination?
Hey, I didn't say that.
But, Mr. Monk, you gotta admit
it looks kind of bad.
People might think
that you saw the name...
and made up a person.
Or the man I met...
saw the name on that painting...
and decided to use it for himself.
The camera.
Natalie, they took a photo
last night-
a-a-a group photo-
and he was in it. [Door Closes]
And this is our 2002
cabernet sauvignon.
I think you'll like it.
It's slightly softer and more tannic than the merlot.
You've got to get
that camera. Okay.
All right, but you stay here.
Ah. Will you be joining us?
Yes.
Good. The more the merrier.
Thank you.
Next we're going to try
the Syrah.
Now, the Syrah comes
from our very own grapes in the east vineyard.
What are you drinking?
Uh, it's the, uh-
the Sierra Springs.
How is it?
It's exquisite.
Is this your first wine tasting?
I'll explain what they're doing.
There are five steps. We call them the "Five S's"-
Mm-hmm.
See, swirl, sniff, sip and spit.
Now, they're on step one.
How does the wine look?
Is it rich in color?
Does it react with the light?
Excuse me.
Uh, what was that last one,
uh, step five?
Spit.
So, they're-they're-they're
going to be spitting? That's it.
Mmm. Here. I can hold
your camera for you. Oh, I'm good.
- Now they're on step three.
- Oh, step three.
Sniffing. You smell the wine.
Inhale deeply.
Do you smell the fruit
or the herbs?
Uh, so that means, really,
there's only two steps left until the spitting.
That's right.
Uh, all-all at once?
All of them spitting on the-
on the porch here, uh, with me on-on the porch?
- Now they're sipping.
- Sipping? So spitting is next. Oh, God.
[Monk]
Oh, here it comes.
[Groans]
[Groaning Continues]
[Laughing]
This is so much fun, isn't it?
How about a group shot?
A little newlywed group shot. Um-
I'll take it.
No. Maybe later.
Oh, my God.
It's a kissing fern.
A what?
Yeah. They're called kissing ferns.
It's supposed to be good luck
for newlyweds to kiss underneath one.
Have you heard that song?
"Kiss Me Under the Kissing Fern, Baby"?
Mmm.
Yeah, yeah.
[Natalie]
Yeah? [Cal] Okay, yeah.
Yeah, okay, well,
in that case, uh-
[Clears Throat]
Yeah.
There, all right?
Oh, wow.
Y-You don't get it. It's so cute.
Let me take a picture.
Gotta get a great angle here.
[Mouthing Words]
You can take the picture.
[Laughs]
# Kiss me #
# Underneath the kissin' fern #
# Baby #
#The hanging plant #
- #The hanging plant #
- # Ba-boom, boom, boom #
- # Of love #
- # Ba-ba, ba, ba, boo, boom #
#The kissin'-##
[Snapping]
[Sighs]
You'll feel better
when you get home. We'll call Dr. Kroger.
It's Saturday.
We'll call Dr. Kroger.
Natalie, I met him.
I talked to him.
He was so real.
How could l-
How could I be so wrong?
I'm never taking another drink
as long as I live.
Mr. Monk, some people
just have no tolerance.
I used to work in a bar.
I saw it all the time.
You had two sips. That's like 10 shots
to a normal person. Thank you.
Hey, folks. How you doin'?
Listen, I'm lookin' for my brother.
He's gone missing.
Have you seen him?
That's him!
That's the guy!
You know him?
L-I met him last night.
- Really?
- That's him.
Wanna tell me about it?
I don't know what he told you, you know.
His real name is Ben Gruber.
Our mother's been
worried sick about him.
Thank God. I thought
I was losing my mind.
I knew he was into wine,
so I've been checkin' all the vineyards...
- and the little hotels in the area.
- And you're his brother?
- Allen. Allen Gruber. Pleasure.
- Hi. Natalie Teeger.
Natalie.
This is Adrian Monk.
Let me get this straight.
Everybody here is pretending they never met him?
Everyone.
Aw, poor kid.
- He's gotta be scared to death.
- Why?
He stole some money from a bank
that he works for, right?
And he took off.
I talked to the local D.A., and she said,
you know, they'd go easy on him if he turned himself in.
That's why I'm here.
I figured, you know, if I showed up,
maybe I could find him,
maybe I could talk him into returning the money.
- How much did he take?
- $3.1 million.
Whew.
[Exhales]
Although it sounds like
he's spending some of it already.
He's been paying people off
to say they've never heard of him.
Do you think he's still here?
I mean, why would he stay?
What was he driving?
'86 Buick, last I heard.
What are the odds?
An '86 Buick.
Well, it can't be his.
This car has been here forever. Mmm, I don't think so.
There's a dent here,
but no rust.
And there's no rust
in the wheel wells.
This car hasn't been here long.
So he's still here
somewhere, right? Well, he's not in that house.
And we call this
the barrel room.
These containers are filled
with 60 gallons of our world-famous chardonnay.
It's gonna age in these containers
for exactly 11 months.
I like to think of it as a living thing,
like a baby growing inside a mother's womb.
Mr. Gruber.
I thought we'd lost you.
Oh, sorry.
I just got turned around.
If you follow me,
we're literally going to be stepping back in time.
Wine stomping. It's a tradition
that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks.
We're one of the last vineyards in California
that at least make some of their wine using this method.
[Monk]
Oh, my God.
Do people actually
drink that? Yeah, I think so.
Are they insane?
Go ask her if they're insane.
J-Just ask her.
I'm not gonna ask her that, Mr. Monk.
And of course, we can't press
all of our wine like this. It would take too long.
But we do make one label
using this method,
the Allacco Cabernet.
[Yelps]
It can be bought from
our store out front.
Uh-
[Gags]
I can't believe that's the Allacco Cabernet.
[Natalie] I know. Just take it easy.
I've been drinking that wine
for 15 years. It's foot wine.
I can taste it.
Oh, well, come on. You cannot taste it.
L-l-I can.
I can taste the feet now.
I can taste-And the toes-
What's between the toe-
And the fungus.
It really is barbaric.
Okay, I didn't see any fungus.
Look, I'm sure they have clean feet.
There are probably rules
about that stuff.
[Squishing]
Okay, I admit it.
That's pretty disgusting.
I saw a vending machine back there.
You want a soda?
Excuse me?
To wash your mouth out. You want a soda?
Uh, that would be great.
Thanks.
Tome su tiempo.
What?
It means, "Take your time."
Right.
Natalie.
Natalie, he's lying.
This guy and the man I met last night
are not brothers.
He just said "soda."
And Zwibell- Gruber- whatever his name is- said "pop."
And he was bilingual.
This guy doesn't speak a word of Spanish.
They could not have grown up
in the same house.
Okay, I need to find out
who he really is.
Listen, can you break into
his car?
Can I break into his car?
Yes, I can. Okay.
I'll keep him busy.
I'll take him to the bar. I'll try to get him drunk.
I'll loosen him up.
Maybe he'll make a misstep.
W-Wait.
You're gonna drink? Don't worry.
I know what I'm doing.
Hi. I'm sitting with
my friend over there.
He would like a bottle
of your house white. Okay.
And, uh, do you have
any nonalcoholic wine?
We have a very nice claret.
Zero alcohol.
No alcohol at all?
That's what I said.
I'll have that.
Could you put it in a carafe?
Uh, you don't have to bring the bottle.
You got it. We'll bring it over to you.
Table 12 needs a bottle
of the house white...
and a carafe of that claret.
You got it.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
I do appreciate you
taking such an interest, Mr. Monk.
Uh, well,
I have a brother too.
I'd be worried sick
if anything happened to him.
So, to your brother.
Wherever the hell he is.
Thirsty boy.
Catch me if you can.
Do you have a lot of friends?
I'll bet you do.
[Slurring]
Sometimes I turn on the TV,
and I turn the sound way down.
Mmm. I pretend that
they're talkin' to me.
That everybody likes me.
"Adrian, welcome back.
Oh, we're so happy to see you.
We are so happy to see you."
I'll bet you have a lot of friends.
You look like a moose.
[Laughing]
You do.
I'm gonna call you...
Mr. Look-Like-a-Moose.
Look-Like-a-Moose.
[Laughing]
So about your brother.
I'm sorry about the moose thing.
Hey, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait. First, listen.
What song is this?
## [Banging]
## [Whistling]
[Clinks]
Al Nicoletto?
Captain Stottlemeyer, please.
It's important.
[Mumbling]
Maybe you've had enough, Mr. Monk.
No. No, no, no, no.
I'm- I'm fine.
I'm fine. Mmm.
Isn't this great?
Just a couple of guys sittin' in a revolving restaurant.
Ah, I love that.
[Panting]
Hey. Mr. Monk.
Can I just talk to you
for a second in private? [Laughing]
[Natalie Laughing]
Missed it.
[Laughing Continues]
[Muttering]
All right.
You're drunk.
No way. It's al- It's nonalcoholic.
[Groans]
[Laughing Continues]
I've got him right where
I want him! Look!
I'm winking.
Okay, Mr. Monk, listen to me.
You were right. His name isn't Gruber. It's Al NicolettoJr.
He has five arrests.
No convictions. He's a contract killer.
Al, is this true?
Yes or no, is this true?
[Monk Mumbling]
[Natalie] I already called the police.
They're on their way,
so don't do anything stupid. Don't you do anything stupid.
And so it is agreed!
And let the word go forth
that nobody will do anything stupid.
Let's go. Let's go.
What are you doing? Oh, you'll thank me later.
Forget the bottle!
[Groans] [Grunts]
Mr. Monk, hit him!
With what?
[Screams]
A bottle!
- Which one?
- It doesn't matter!
[Groans]
[Grunts]
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
I almost had a heart attack. [Groans]
Oh, God.
Heart attack.
[Stottlemeyer]
Yeah, I'd say he's pretty important.
The feds are sending
a private plane to pick him up.
Nine-millimeter.
Ben Gruber's partner was found
shot to death in his hotel room in New York City five days ago.
Now, I'm betting that
those bullets match this gun.
They got him. Watch the feds
take all the credit.
Captain?
You have got to see this. What?
Monk's in there doin' one
of his summation things.
He's wasted.
When I hear-
When-When I heard N-N-Natalie...
say she almost had a heart attack,
I remember-
I remembered that Larry Zwibell,
a.k.a., also known as Ben Gruber,
was taking heart medicine.
Cappy!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Captain Leland "Sottlemeyer," homicide.
Show 'em-
Show 'em your badge. All right.
Show it. Show-Show-Show it.
Show it. Monk-
Show-
I solved the case. Good. Good, good.
Let's-Let's, um-
Okay.
Let's let these people
go to their rooms, okay? Show it.
Wh-Wh-Where's your gun?
He's got a gun.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
You don't understand. No, no, no.
These are the suspects.
Oh, yeah. They're all in on it.
Well, what did they do?
What did they- Look at 'em!
I mean, look!
Oh, look at 'em.
Okay. Okay.
They may not look like cold-blooded killers,
but they're, uh-
Oh, they're "crinimals." Yeah.
They're "crinimals."
Crin- Criminals.
- [Gasps]
Mr. Monk. - They're criminals! I'm tellin' ya.
Oh, yeah. We're gonna need
a big ole paddy wagon.
Do they still have
paddy wagons?
Here you go, Mr. Monk.
Please, please drink this coffee.
Okay.
Now.
Cup o'joe.
Keep that warm.
No, no, no.
Here's what happened.
I went to bed around 10:00.
They were still playin'poker.
Gruber must've needed
more cash,
so he went upstairs to get it.
I went to bed around 10:00.
They were all still playin' the poker.
Monk. We've heard
this part already.
Cappy! Cappy, you made it.
Oh. Oh. How do you do it?
L- l- I love you.
I just- Oh.
[Laughs]
Uh. Uh.
I love you too, Monk.
You just-You just got-
You-
Okay. Let's go sleep it off,
all right?
Thank-Thank-Thanks for the-
What?
Thanks for the- Look at that.
What's that thing?
[Laughs]
All right, come here.
Come here. Come here.
I'm gonna get me one.
Up to bed.
Oh, w-wait!
See, Gruber never came back.
They got worried
and decided to go upstairs and check on him.
They found Ben Gruber dead.
He was dead from a heart attack.
And cash- $3. 1 million.
[No Audible Dialogue]
They must have figured somebody would be comin'around lookin'for it.
That's the kind of money
people come lookin'for.
What to do? What to do?
Well, they decided to hide the body
and split the money.
If anybody asked,
they were gonna pretend they never heard ofhim.
Hold on.
[Sighs, Sniffs]
Here's what happened.
If we don't take the money-
[Continues, Indistinct] They got rid of Gruber's car.
Then they removed the page
with his signature...
from the guest book.
And retook the group photo
without him.
He was gone.
It was like he never existed.
[Shutter Clicks]
Gone like a ghost.
- Did you find the money?
- Not yet.
He says there was a conspiracy,
and we all took the money.
I say this character Gruber
junked his own car,
took the cash,
and hitchhiked to Mexico.
Can you prove
I'm wrong? Nope.
He's right. Without a body,
we don't have a case.
[Snoring]
Monk?
Monk.
[Snoring Continues]
Okay, um, I guess
you're all free to go.
Lieutenant, take everybody's address.
Make sure it's a valid I.D.
Yes, sir. Uh, if everybody could
just follow me. We're sorry about the inconvenience.
[Sighs]
What is it?
What is what?
This is their new wine. They bottle it next door.
But it has this funky, weird aftertaste,
and I cannot put my finger on it.
Here.
[Sniffs]
It smells like Aqua Velva.
Oh, my God.
[Snoring Continues]
Oh, my God.
It's Aqua Velva.
It's Aqua Velva.
[Mutters]
It's Aqua Velva.
[Chattering]
[LaCoste]
It was the old lady's idea!
[Natalie]
What's gonna happen to them?
[Stottlemeyer]
They didn't kill anybody, so they'll probably be home soon.
Uh, he's a real party animal.
[Laughs]
Okay. You drive safely, Natalie.
We'll see you around campus.
Thank you, Captain. I will.
Happy anniversary, Adrian.
Sorry I didn't believe you.
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