Mom (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 18 - My Kinda People and the Big To-Do - full transcript

Who else would like to share?

How 'bout our newcomer?

- I'm good.
- You sure?

- Yeah.
- Last call.

Okay. Yeah.

- Bonnie, alcoholic.
- Hi, Bonnie.

I just got some terrible news today.

I almost don't want to share it,
'cause, God, it's just too much.

But I've been taught
that, when we share,

we cut our pain in half, so here goes.

I am getting royally boned by Uncle Sam.



Ever since I started
the business with Tammy,

they're coming after me
for Social Security taxes,

withholding taxes,
and then there's FICA.

Who the hell is this FICA guy?

I didn't go legit for
this kind of shakedown.

I'm just putting it out there. I
might have to leave the country.

I'm thinking Papua New Guinea.

Thank you.

Would you like some burnt coffee?
Stale cookies? Anything?

- Still good.
- Still not buying it.

- Who would like to go next?
- I'll go.

- Jill, alcoholic.
- Hi, Jill.

I'm only four months
into this pregnancy,

and I am peeing like a broken sprinkler.



The other day, I was craving

hot wings, but the place
didn't have a bathroom,

so I had to swallow my pride
and tinkle behind a dumpster.

I look up and I'm staring
at a security camera,

but I was already committed,
so I just waved.

Mm. Damn it. Here it goes again.

Excuse me.

Okay, who's next?

- Tammy, alcoholic.
- Hi, Tammy.

Yeah, my life is really good right now.

Um, not only has my business
with Bonnie taken off,

but I'm dating a guy

who's sweet and funny and supportive.

And the best part is he
doesn't have roommates,

so we can make all the noise we want.

I only complained
when you scared my cats.

Mm. Anyway, I'm just really grateful.

You know, I mean, I think it's true,

what we say here...

Don't leave before the miracle.

Okay, I'll go.

- Hi. Marjorie, alcoholic.
- Hi, Marjorie.

I just had the most wonderful weekend

- babysitting my granddaughter.
- Ooh.

I know every grandmother feels this way,

but I really think
she might be a genius.

I did that really cute
thing where you go,

"Whoops, I got your nose."

And she knew immediately
it was not her nose.

Hey.

How ya doing?

You only got the one question, huh?

Actually, I have two.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

What is it with you people and coffee?

Well, it's the only drug we
have left, so we abuse it.

What do you say?

Fine.

- Let me just grab my keys.
- Okay.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, I just bought these shoes.

Hey! Why are you running?!

Why are you chasing me?!

I don't know! A little
voice is telling me to!

You hear voices?

I know it sounds bad, but... yeah.

- I hear voices, too.
- What do yours say?

If I don't drink before noon,
I don't have a problem.

I had that one, too. It's easy fix.

Just... throw all your clocks out.

- So what do you think? Coffee?
- Fine. I give up.

Ah, good.

'Cause that's the first step.

- Are those shoes suede?
- Not anymore.

Shannon, this is Marjorie,
Tammy, Jill, Wendy.

- Hi.
- Say our names back.

- What?
- No, I'm screwing with you.

I didn't know Wendy's name
for, like, eight months.

- You called me Wanda.
- Mm.

I liked it.

So, Shannon, was tonight
your first meeting?

- Was it that obvious?
- Yes.

Why'd you leave?

I don't have anything in common

with you guys.

I mean, you don't know
what real problems are.

What is so funny?

I guarantee, whatever problems you have,

someone at this table has either
had 'em or made 'em much worse.

That's...

So you lost your kid
in a custody battle?

Who needs a custody battle?
I actually lost my kid.

Couldn't find her for, like, two years.

That's awful.

No, it's fine. I found her,

we're both sober and we love each other.

- So where is she?
- She moved. But my point is my point.

Yeah, well...

you're probably not
gonna end up in jail,

- which I might.
- Tammy, you have the floor.

Seven years hard time for armed robbery.

I don't want to make this a
competition, but I also did time.

- You did easy time.
- Don't tell me what kind of time I did.

What else you got?

My-my mother kicked me out

when she caught me sleeping
with her drug dealer.

Oh, mothers.

Mine abandoned me.

- Mm, mine killed herself.
- Mine was murdered by my father.

I had two moms, and I
had to pretend one of them

was my sister.

I have to sit out this round.
My mother was an angel.

A-Anyway...

- now I'm basically homeless.
- Oh, I'm back in.

- Lived in a box.
- Lived in a car.

Lived in a tree.

I never lived in less
than 12,000 square feet,

but, at the end, I was just
drinking alone in my closet.

Probably a mistake
to put a bar in there.

So what was all that
happy crap in the meeting?

- We all got better.
- And so can you.

Shannon, I really want to
hear the rest of your story,

but my baby's stomping on my bladder.

Move it, Wanda.

Give me your phone.

- Why?
- Just give it to me.

This is my number.

Call me anytime,

especially if you think
you're gonna drink or use.

Okay.

You got a place to sleep tonight?

Oh, I got a friend who owes me.

- Is it your mother's drug dealer?
- Maybe.

Is there a plan B?

I could go back to my
mom's. She's a happy drunk.

It's the meth that makes her mean.

Mm. Sounds like my kinda people.

- She's a bitch from hell.
- Yeah, my kind of people.

Hey.

I told you to take an umbrella.

Yeah. After the meeting,

we took a newcomer out for coffee.

It was so great.

- She gonna make it?
- Who knows?!

But there's nothing like
talking to a train wreck

to remind you that you
have no real problems.

Good for you.

Listen, we need to talk.

Oh, my God. You're leaving me.

Who is she? I will kill her.

No, I won't kill her.
I'll be her friend.

I'll be your friend.
We'll learn to coexist.

Maybe even have a podcast
about how well we get along.

Slow down.

- I'm not leaving you.
- Well... then open with that.

In fact, from now on,
instead of "Hi, honey,"

start with "I'm not leaving you."

- May I please speak?
- God, yes. I'm spent.

I have been less than
honest about something.

I knew it. We're broke.
This is all a house of cards!

Bonnie...

Maybe I can get my money back from FICA.

- Bonnie!
- What?! Tell me already!

I had a check-up a couple of weeks ago,

and... the doctor said

I had something on my chest X-ray.

W-Wh...

No, that can't be right.

You haven't smoked in, like, 20 years.

Yeah, but I smoked like you drank.

Anyway, so I had to
go and get a PET scan.

Wait, you... Wh-Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to freak you out.

Oh, my God! I'm too young to be a widow!

I have an appointment with
the oncologist tomorrow

to discuss my options.

I was hoping you'd go with me.

Please say no.

Of course I'm going with you.

You're my husband.

Richer or poorer, sickness
and health, till death do us...

It's all gonna be okay.

You'll see.

Is it weird that I really
want a cigarette right now?

It's the middle of the night.

It's 10:00.

So we agree.

What's going on?

Adam might have cancer.

Oh, honey.

Yeah. There was a spot on his lung,

and he didn't tell me
about it, the rat bastard.

I'm sure he was just
trying to protect you.

Well, I didn't call you
so you could defend him.

Sorry.

I'm going with him to the
doctor tomorrow morning.

Uh, uh, hang on.

- Somebody's calling me.
- In the middle of the night?

- Hello?
- Bonnie?

Yeah. Who's this?

Uh, it's-it's Shannon.

Hey. Everything okay?

You-you said to
call if I wanted to drink.

That money in the
coffee can was my emergency fund!

It was money you stole from me!

Only 'cause it's an emergency!

Being out of drugs

is not an emergency!

Oh, that's just crazy talk.

Now open the freakin' door!

Uh, uh, uh, Shannon,
I'm on the other line.

Can you hold one second?

Okay, I'm back.

Hang on. Boz Scaggs threw up.

Oh, for Pete's sake,
Boz, who gave you carrots?

I'm sorry.

I'm here. Go ahead.

I am trying to hold it together for him,

but I'm-I'm really scared.

Well, it'd be crazy if you weren't.

All you have to do is be there for him

and... and do the next right action.

I guess that's going to the doctor.

Then that's what you do.

Now what?

Uh, yeah, hang on, Marjorie.

I'm kind of in the
middle of something, Jill.

Guess who's getting married.

- We are!
- We are!

That's great! I'm so happy for you!

Listen, I'm on another call.
Can I call you right back?

I'll make it quick. We've
both been married before

and done the big to-do, so, this time,

we're just gonna keep it simple.

Yeah, city hall, right
next to the police station.

So we already got a parking spot.

I'll be there.

Great. 1:00 tomorrow.

T-Tomorrow?

Well, I've got the
perfect outfit picked out,

but it won't fit if we wait much longer.

Bring Adam. It can't
just be me and women.

Ugh. Tomorrow's gonna
be tough. Can you hold?

Hmm. Well, I was expecting
a little more enthusiasm.

Yeah, no kidding. Try Tammy.

Uh, help me out here, Shannon.
What's going on with your mom?

She's out of her mind.

- You got to talk to her.
- Well, I guess I can. Is she high?

You tell me.

Shannon, you need to open the door

before the FBI gets here!

There's no FBI!

Don't you hear the helicopters?

That's the ceiling fan!

Drop that can!

- I'm gonna have to call you back.
- Good

I don't know who I'm
talking to. Who's there?

It's me, Marjorie.

Great news. Jill's getting married!

Oh, that's wonderful!

- Oh, Bonnie, guess what?
- Jill's getting married.

- How'd you know?
- Good night, Marjorie.

Mm, mm. Mm, mm, mm.

What?

The water in the tank... It's filthy.

You sure you trust this
guy with your lungs?

Please sit down.

Calling the aquarium police?

The newcomer I was telling you about.

Uh, straight to voicemail.

Shannon, it's Bonnie.
I hope you're okay.

Uh, I'm going to the 8:00 meeting

at the Community Center tonight
if you want to meet me there.

Okay, well, talk soon. Hmm.

Look at you.

You're taking care of me, you're
taking care of this Shannon,

you're even taking care of the fish.

Well, the poor things look like
they're swimming in apple juice.

You're not the same woman
I met five years ago.

The doctor will see you now.

You need to clean the tank.

Look at us on the same team.

I got to tell you, I did
not care for your doctor.

- I think he could sense that.
- Mm.

12 years of school doesn't make you

the smartest guy in the room.

I sure hope he was the
smartest guy in the room.

Well, despite his reluctance

to give my opinion the
same weight as his own,

I am optimistic.

Really? I'm a little numb.

Understandable.

The good news is we caught
it early, it's very treatable,

and we have steps to take,
and we will take them.

You keep saying "we."

Yeah, 'cause we are in this together.

You, me and Dr. Arrogant von Smug.

It's real simple. We just
do the next right action.

You're amazingly calm through all this.

I'm good in a crisis.

Always was, even when I was the crisis.

Uh, I'm glad you were there today.

Me too.

Hey, should we stop and
get Jill and Andy a gift?

Hell, no. You can't tell someone

you're getting married tomorrow
and expect an insta-pot.

Are you kidding me? Ugh!

Bonnie...

The light just turned green,
and you're leaning on the horn?

Bonnie, come on. Just go, just go.

Okay, that's it.

What are you doing?

- What... ?
- I keep a Louisville Slugger

- in the trunk.
- Bonnie, no! Please.

Let's just go to the wedding.

It's your lucky day, Grandma!

So, next Tuesday's the biopsy,
and we will take it from there.

What a lovely courthouse.

Not if you're wearing
an orange jumpsuit.

- Are you nervous?
- Are you kidding me?

You're way out of my
league, I knocked you up.

I'm taking a victory lap.

- Oh, sorry, sorry.
- Oh.

Oh. Hey, it's okay.

- Mmm.
- Mmm. We still got time.

I am so happy for you.

Thank you. Congratulations.

Oh, thanks, and-and
sorry for the late notice.

Oh, no, no, the timing was perfect.

I needed a wedding today.

- How'd it go?
- Good. We'll talk later.

I couldn't find a place to park.

It's okay. They haven't
called our name yet.

On my way in, I saw
that newcomer. Shannon?

Yeah. She and another woman were trying

to kick out the back
window of a cop car.

Oh, no. May I speak with
the bride for a moment?

- Hey, how you doing, Your Honor?
- Do we know each other?

Tammy Diffendorf. I robbed a steakhouse.

You gave me four to
six years. I did seven.

Okay. Mm.

I'm sober now. I got a business,
got a truck, got a boyfriend.

It's fairly new, but
I feel good about it.

- All right. Nice to see you.
- Yeah, back atcha!

That was awesome!

Okay. Um, Andy, honey,

could you do us a
teeny-weenie little favor?

Uh... Dude, from this day
forward, the answer is "yes."

to share...

Are you gonna take Andy's last name?

I don't know.

It's Pepper.

It is? You're marrying Sergeant Pepper?

Oh, get this. His brother is a doctor.

Oh, look. The flower girls are here.

What are you doing?! I didn't
mean bring 'em to the wedding.

They were released into my custody.

What was I supposed to do...
Take them out for ice cream?

You never took me out for ice cream.

That's 'cause ice
cream is for good girls.

Oh, okay, hey, hey, knock it off,

or I'll lock you back
up with the hookers.

Uh, Jill Kendall and Andrew Pepper?

Oh. Here!

Do not ruin my special day.

Thank you for helping them.

Yeah. The old one bit me.

- Are you ready?
- Are you kidding? Look at me.

We are gathered here in
the presence of witnesses

for the purpose of uniting in matrimony

Jill Kendall and Andrew Pepper.

The contract of marriage is most solemn,

and it's not to be undertaken lightly.

Your life? What about my life?

You never...

You never let me.

Just keep going.

By entering into this marriage,

you are pledging yourselves
to a lifetime in which...

Should we call the police?

- I am the police.
- Yeah, you are.

each will enrich the life of the other.

Should we put a stop to this?

Oh, look at her. She's pregnant,
she's happy. Leave it alone.

Anyway, that's where we're at.

And you've been sitting on this all day?

Well, I didn't want to ruin her wedding.

It's not something
borrowed, something blue,

something cancerous.

Don't worry. Adam's in good
hands. He'll get through this.

So will you.

We'll be there every step of the way.

Damn straight.

Mmm. What are we hugging about?

Your wedding and how happy we
are for you and nothing else.

I had a feeling.

Aren't you supposed to
be on your honeymoon?

Oh, already had it.

Microwaved some burritos,
had great pregnant sex,

he fell asleep, and I needed a meeting,

'cause, holy crap, I'm Mrs. Pepper.

Guys, I'm not done hugging.

Hi. I'm Bonnie. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

This has been quite a day.

I think I've had every
feeling a person can have.

Some of them great, some of them...

just awful.

And never once thought
about drinking or using.

But that's not the miracle.

The miracle is...

I never thought about myself.

I was thinking about the people I love

and how I can help them.

And also some fish.

Which is...

ironic, 'cause I had sushi for lunch.

I didn't care. It was...

When I walked in that
door... eight years ago,

I was so filled with... fear

and self-loathing, shame.

But now, I kind of like me.

I kind of love me.

I love my husband, I love my daughter,

my friends,

my grandkids.

I even love those two crazy
bitches in the back row.

- I think that's us.
- It is.

I've always heard people in meetings say

how... they're grateful alcoholics,

and... I never understood it.

It actually kind of pissed me off.

But now I get it.

My name is Bonnie and
I'm a grateful alcoholic.

And if that pisses you
off, just keep coming back.

Thank you.

Would you guys join us for coffee?

- Just say yes.
- Yes.

Who else would like to share?