Mom (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 17 - Beef Baloney Dan and the Hot Zone - full transcript

Bonnie suspects that Adam's sponsor, Sam (guest star COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH) has an ulterior motive. And Christy is caught in the middle when Tammy plays hard to get with Chef Rudy.

Previously, on
"Mom"...

Oh!

Oh. Uh, too rough?

No. This would be too rough.

Ow!

Best date I ever had.

I need to break up
with him.

I have one more daffodil
hidden somewhere on my body.

Care to lead the
search party?

Rudy, we need to talk.

No...!



Look at us.

What?

Look at us.

Who's better than us?

Uh...

I mean, missionaries,
I guess.

I don't know, I don't know.
Where are you going with this?

We are so
mentally healthy.

We are so dogged in our
pursuit of better-ness.

I feel like I'm getting set up
for a favor.

Do you need
your feet pumiced again?

I just mean, here I am,
dropping you off

at your Al-Anon meeting,
en route to my AA meeting.

So again I say,
who's better than us?



People who don't need those
meetings in the first place?

But who else?

No one.

- There you go.
- Ah.

So... do you
talk about me?

Well, it is an Al-Anon meeting,
and you're my Al.

So, uh, yeah, yeah, you come up.

And do you speak well of me?

Yes, Bonnie,
I'm the only person in there

whose alcoholic is perfect.

- Okay, but I'm not the worst.
- No, no.

Was that a genuine "no"
or a sarcastic "no"?

It's whatever
you want it to be.

Again...

who's better than us.

Who's that?

That's Sam, my sponsor.

Your sponsor
wears suspenders?

No wonder
his wife drinks.

No, that's Carl.

Sam's standing next
to him, smoking.

That's Sam?

Yeah.

The same Sam you've been talking
about for three months?

Yeah. Yeah.

So the "antha" is silent.

Any chance
we could all be?

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Sync corrections by srjanapala

*MOM
Season 07 Episode 17

Episode Title:
"Beef Baloney Dan and the Hot Zone"

Found him!

What are you doing in
here for 20 minutes?

We're backed up.

Waiters are cooking
their own orders.

I came in for an onion
but got lost in my memories.

Oh, I don't need to hear it.

This is where Tammy and I
shared our first kiss.

And our last kiss.

Oh, God.

Does she ever talk
about me at all?

How about we talk and cook?

- Talk and cook!
- No, no, no.

Could you text her for me?

Huh? Tell her
I'm miserable without her.

No, that sounds weak.
Tell her I'm in play.

No, just tell her I'm fine
with whatever she wants.

No big whoop either way.

"Rudy says hi."

Ah, subtle. Well played.
Shocking you're a spinster.

Did she text back yet?

- No.
- Oh.

- How about now?
- No!

- Oh. Now?
- You would hear it!

Well, I thought
maybe it happened

when I was saying, "Now?"

Ooh, bingo.

Mm. Some ass named Roscoe said
he got an "A" in English.

Oh, give me that!

How was your meeting?

Good. Yours?

Good. Good.

Did you share?

I did.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And did you talk about
Sam having a vagina?

No, but I did talk about
how this ride was gonna go,

and so far,
I was right on the money.

Oh, is it not going well for you?
'Cause I'm fine.

Oh, come on, Bonnie.
So what if Sam's a woman?

I just find it curious
you never told me.

I didn't even think about it
at first,

and then the longer
I didn't tell you,

the weirder I felt
about saying something.

You know,

I missed my window.

Like the guy at the deli,
who still gets my name wrong.

I should've corrected him
the second time, but I didn't.

So now I'm forever
"Beef Baloney Dan."

Who's better than us?

You listen to me,
Mr. Adam Janikowski.

You cannot just sit there
and pretend

this is not a big deal!

No, no, I'm talking!

You obviously kept her a secret

because you have feelings
for her.

Oh, that is such a lie!

Oh, nice try, nice try.
We're not changing the subject.

Oh, and of course she smokes.

"Who's hotter than me?
Me, who smokes."

Are we gonna start
smoking again?

Well, I should, because
apparently it turns Adam on.

So it's yes?
'Cause the off-brand gas station

is still open, and they're
50 cents a pack cheaper there.

Give me eight bucks,
I can make this happen.

We're not smoking.
I'm just pissed at Adam,

who's sleeping like he doesn't
have a problem in the world.

Well, you do,
buddy! You got a big, fat problem!

Oh, I get it.

You're in a
whisper fight.

I used to do that with you
all the time.

Deal me in.

His Al-Anon sponsor is a woman.

Sam?

"...antha."

Like in,
"Meanwhile, across town,

Samantha was flat on her back
in the Flatiron District."

Oh.

I so miss
Sex and the City.

And sex.

I'm gonna miss sex with Adam
when he leaves me for Samantha.

I'll still have sex,
but I'll miss Adam.

Sorry, I just don't see
what's so bad.

My G.A. sponsor is a guy.

Yeah, uh, I've seen him.
Least sexy guy on the planet.

I'm up against
Angie frickin' Dickinson.

- Who's that?
- Oh, for God's sake!

Just go to bed.

So... it's definitely a no
on the smoking?

Look, if I'm divorced
by the weekend, we can smoke.

I like my chances.

I might buy a lighter.

What are you doing?

Chef Rudy asked me to
take pictures of you.

I get bonus points
if your mouth is open.

That is super creepy.

Why'd you say yes?

I actually feel
sorry for the guy.

He talks about you.
He cries about you.

He yells your name when
he's pounding the veal.

Ew!

No, literally, we
serve a lot of veal.

Then my plan is working.

What plan?

Love is a game, Christy,
and I'm great at it.

I thought you didn't
want to have

a relationship
with Chef Rudy.

I thought I didn't either,

and then, last Tuesday night
around 10:00, I did.

So I butt-dialed him
with my fingers

and made sounds like
I was taking a bubble bath.

Wait, hang on.
What would that sound like?

Mm.

Oh!

You couldn't do that
with your own glass?

I don't get
playing games.

When I like a guy,
I just tell him.

Oh!

What? Men
appreciate honesty.

Oh!

For God's sake, Christy,
you don't give away the mystery.

I was a stripper.

I've been giving away
the mystery since I was 18.

Even I played a little
hard-to-get

- with Victor.
- Hm.

Took him a while to tug down
those sweatpants, huh?

Oh, don't look now, but
your plans just walked in

and is acting
surprised to see us.

You know who isn't surprised:
the puppet master.

Tammy! Ah, is that you? Huh!

Tammy, what a strange
coincidence.

Ah, to think that I would
run into you here,

at the, uh... Burgundy Bistro.

Yes, I've been meaning to try
their, uh... oh...

three-bean chili.

- Chili, coming up.
- Ooh. Right.

Well, I hope you don't mind
if I sit at this table

adjacent to your own.

So, anyway,
I've got dates with both Ricardo

and Brad tonight.

I mean, I love
Ricardo's fire,

but Brad does manage
a LensCrafters.

- Oh, what to do?
- Mm.

Not sure, but first I'm off
to wax Downtown Disney,

'cause someone's getting
in my tea cup tonight.

Here's your chili.

Good Lord, has someone
already eaten this?

Are you primping?

Is there someone here
worth primping for?

Owen.

Hit bottom last year
on vodka and Mountain Dew.

Ah, he is cute.
How you gonna blow it?

I am not gonna blow it.

I'm gonna be
the puppet master.

Oh. Go get 'em, tiger.

Oh, I'm gonna get him.

I'm gonna get him so good
he's not gonna know what got him.

Like a sexy sex ninja.

Just watch and learn.

Oh, I'm gonna watch.

Hey, Christy,
looking for a seat?

No.

And the game is on.

Is it, though?

Oh, really, Adam? How would
you like it if I sponsored

one of the cute guys in here?

Will you stop that?

Tell him. He's the one
who won't let it go.

You know you look crazy.

Yeah. People on the street
were trying to give you change.

One quarter. Relax.

It doesn't matter who Adam
is hearing the message from,

as long as he's hearing
the message.

My first sponsor was a guy.

Yeah, but back then,
there were only three people

in the program.

She's old.

Look at Owen ignoring me.

He's good, but I'm better.

Oh. Guess who just sent
me a TikTok video?

A 12-year-old
you met at the mall?

Hi, Tammy.
Ticktock. Ticktock.

Paul, explain this to me again.

I don't think I'm getting it.
Am I supposed to move?

Ticktock. Ticktock.

Oh, no! Don't press send!

That was painful.

In a super hot way.

I'm gonna watch it again...
By myself, if you don't mind.

Wow, guy! No means no!

How did that girl
ever get married?

Drugs were involved.

She was out in
the living room

whisper-fighting
with me all night.

Why didn't you
go talk to her?

Because I have a better chance
of winning if I'm not there.

Come on, Adam. Don't you think
you might owe Bonnie an amends?

What am I supposed to say?

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
that Sam was a woman?

Thanks, Adam. I appreciate you
validating my feelings.

What was that?

I'm being Bonnie.

Not even close.

First you got to make fun
of my hair.

What's wrong with your hair?

Thank you.
Also,

it's louder, it's scarier
and more arm waving.

And if I make a good point,

you got to bring up something
that I did wrong two years ago.

Okay, so-so maybe just stop
at "I'm sorry."

Just "I'm sorry"?
I'm allowed to do that?

Sure.

No, I'm asking Bonnie.

Am I allowed to do that?

Oh, um...

Do whatever you want, Fluffy!

That was good, but you got
to get on your chair.Oh.

Yeah. Okay.

I traded up.

Bonnie, I should've told you
that Sam was a woman.

I was wrong,

and...

I'm sorry.

And that's it.

Gus, you're out.

Daddy's home and he's singing
the sweet, sweet music.

So, we're good?

Yeah. And I'm sorry, too.

I should've stayed
out of your program.

It's definitely working for you.
For us.

It is. It is.

So you're cool with me
having her as a sponsor?

Couldn't be cooler. In fact,
it's great she's a woman.

She'll help you
understand me.

She already has. She's the one
that suggested I say I'm sorry.

Oh?

That was Sam's idea?

Yeah, she dropped
by the bar today

and she talked me through it.

Oh. She dropped by the bar?

Yeah.

How often does
she drop by the bar?

When she's in the neighborhood.

So she drops by the bar

when she's in the neighborhood.

Mm-hmm.

And does she have a drink
when she drops by the bar

'cause she's
in the neighborhood?

Oh, God.

You are so naive!

I work a lot,

and it's on her way home.

It's totally innocent.

No, you're totally innocent.

This is exactly like
two years ago

with the thing
when I was right.

W-W-Wait, d-don't you meet
Marjorie at the bistro?

Yes, where we sip soup loudly
in a brightly lit setting.

Marjorie's got a napkin tucked
into her collar like a bib.

Is that what Sam's doing?
She got a bib tucked in there?

Or is she sipping a Pinot
and sucking on her cigarette

like it's, you know,
not a cigarette?

I can't believe
you don't trust me.

Oh, I trust you.
I don't trust her.

You don't even know her!

Oh, I know her. I am her.

Or I was her.
And I could still be her.

But because of you,
I'm me and she's her!

Wait. Wait, wait.
You have a male therapist

who you meet alone
in his house.

Do I say anything about that?

- Well, maybe you should.
- Uh... Wait, what?

No. He's a mess.

You know, Sam
is helping me,

and that's all
that should matter.

Gus, you're back in!

If I just put my head in this
pot, it would all be over.

Hey. Table four would like
to personally thank you

for their branzino.

Oh, would they?
Don't they know I'm in pain?

Did they really like it?

Yes. And they want to tell you.

Have some Purell
waiting for me when I return.

Hello, Tammy.

Hello, Rudy.

What are you doing here?

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

In case you couldn't tell from
the texts and the click-clock.

I loved your video.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, a gal likes
to keep a guy guessing.

You know, it's part of the game.

Oh, the-the game?

Yeah, you know,
the game, the dance.

How I worked you up,
pretending not to be interested.

Oh, uh... wh...

So, you were playing me?

All in fun.

Oh, there was
nothing fun about it.

You tortured me.

Only so we could get here,
now.

Tammy, I'm a person.
I have feelings.

I wanted a actual
relationship with you,

something significant,
something meaningful.

So did I.

Please don't be upset.

It's too late.

Wow.

That did not go well.

Are you kidding?
I have her right where I want her!

And now the real game has begun!

Damn it.

Adam, if a woman sent you
a text as a lady panda

with super long eyelashes,
you would text her back, right?

I don't know.
I find flirty animals confusing.

Rudy's driving me insane.

I can't stop looking
at my phone. Here, you take it.

No matter what I do,
no matter what I say, no matter

how much I beg,
do not give it back to me.

Okay.

Give it back to me.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey, I didn't expect to see you.

I was on my way
back from a meeting

and I hadn't heard from you,
so I thought I'd check in.

How'd it go with Bonnie?

I took your advice,
and at first it went great.

Oh, no.
You went past sorry.

Just a little.

Why can't men learn?

Once things are good,
stop talking.

Why can't women learn
that men don't learn?

Uh, listen,
I-I thought

if she knew that my apology
was your idea,

that she'd realize
how much you've been helping me.

This is why I tell my sponsees:
stick to the script.

Don't veer from the script.

Yeah, I know. It's just, you
know, I don't want to feel tense

every time I bring your name up.

I mean, does your husband have a
problem with you sponsoring men?

No. He has a problem
with everything else I do.

But if you ever meet him,
don't tell him I said that.

Noted.

And if you ever meet Bonnie...

Well, there's no way
to talk you through that one.

How about we agree to never
meet each other's spouses?

Deal.

What's happening?

You were right.

Damn it! This is not how I want
to look when I'm right.

Yeah. I'll tell you again
tomorrow.

I can't believe
Rudy's still ghosting me.

Isn't that what you did to him?

Yeah, but I did it as a game.

Um, hello.

Oh, my God.

That crazy, sexy genius.

The puppeteer
has become the puppet.

Owen's doing
the same thing to me.

He's playing so hard to get,

I saw him making out with
someone else during my share.

Well, Rudy leaves me no choice.
Take my phone.

No matter what I say,
do not give it back to me.

But doesn't that just mean
neither of you

are speaking to each other?

Oh, Christy, do you know
nothing of love?

Oh, look. It's Owen.

Dude...

get over me.

Sync corrections by srjanapala