Mom (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 14 - Kalamazoo And a Bad Wedge of Brie - full transcript

Christy's plan to win her sponsor's approval backfires, and the ladies rush in to help after Jill's house is broken into.

ENJOY! Do not miss this tomorrow! Hi.
Tammy, alcoholic. GROUP: Hi, Tammy.

Whew. I'm still a little rattled.
(chuckles)

I'm standing in line at
the salad bar today,

and there's this cop behind me.

So, of course, fresh out
of jail, I get paranoid.

My hands start shaking, chickpeas
rolling off the plate.

(sighs) Freaked me out so
much, I left without getting

any of those
itty-bitty corncobs,

which is the whole
reason I went.

I mean, am I gonna spend
the rest of my life

looking over my shoulder, afraid
they're gonna lock me up again?



I can't go back to jail.

There's no tiny corn there.

And people stab you.

Anyway, thanks.

Would anyone else like to share?

Hi. Christy, alcoholic.

GROUP: Hi, Christy.

I was so not planning on
coming to the meeting today.

I mean, I had no
school, no work,

and all I wanted to do
was lie on the couch

and binge-watch Chopped.

P.S. I would be
great on that show.

I can't tell you how many times
I've opened up the fridge

and all I had was gummy
bears, tortillas and mustard.



That was a challenging
Thanksgiving.

(sighs) But next thing I knew,
I was putting my shoes on,

getting in the car and driving here.
(chuckles)

I can't believe it;
I have sober feet.

(chuckling)

They know where I'm
supposed to be,

even when I don't
want to be there.

Sober feet.

Anyway, that's all.

Really glad to be here.
(chuckles)

(applause)

- Anyone else?
- I'll go.

- Hi. Bonnie, alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Bonnie.

Well, my fiancé's bar has
finally turned a corner.

So, with Adam busy, I have
a lot of time to myself,

which, when I drank,
could be dangerous,

but now is kind of nice.

I can eat what I want,
see any movie I want.

By golly, for the first
time in my life,

I get to be a little selfish.

Too easy.

Come on. "Sober feet."

That's recovery
gold right there.

But I look over at
Nora, I get nothing.

Not a smile, not a wink,
not even a finger gun.

(clicks tongue)

You know, sweetie, needy's
not a good color on you.

It's not needy to
want an "attaboy"

from my sponsor once in a while.

I always give my sponsees
my full attention.

Oh, please. You slept through
my entire share last week.

I was meditating.

Is your secret mantra,
(snorts) "I'm awake"?

Spot-on, Big Sauce. She
does the same thing

when we're at home
watching Blue Bloods.

Well, it's the only way I can
get you to stop talking.

I do get chatty when Donnie
Wahlberg's on camera.

I just have a feeling he's
a fascinating person.

All right, coffee pot is clean.
I'm out of here.

Hey, Nora!

Awesome share.

I always get so much out
of what you have to say.

Thanks.

(mouthing)

Well, that was hard to watch.

She knows how it works.

"Hey, I liked your share."

"Thanks. I liked
your share, too."

Well, I liked your share today.

Thank you, Wendy. I
liked your share, too.

I didn't share.

Oh.

Attaboy. (clicks tongue)

(suspenseful music playing over
TV, woman screams, crunch)

Oh! (laughs)

What's the body count so far?

Well, assuming that cheerleader
can't sew her head back on,

- we're up to five.
- (chuckles): Yeah.

Her head's on the floor, but her
hands still think she's alive.

CHRISTY: Is it safe to look now?

Hang on.

All clear.

(sharp blow lands, man screams)

- (both laugh)
- (screams)

You guys suck!

The-the jock gets it
in the jockstrap.

- (phone chimes)
- Now, that's good writing.

Mm.

Unbelievable. What?

I texted Nora an hour ago, and
she still hasn't responded.

So I paused the movie

for something that
didn't actually happen?

Yeah.

Why are you so obsessed
with Nora's approval?

I mean, is it 'cause she's
famous or something?

She's not famous; she does the
weather for the local news.

And co-hosts the Napa Valley
Thanksgiving Day Parade.

It's on two channels.

Christy's always been
an approval junkie.

In high school, if there was
one person in her class

that didn't like her, that's
who she'd have sex with.

Hey, it worked.

You should take a page
from the Book of Bonnie.

She never cares
what people think.

She should.

See, you say that; don't care.

(ringtone playing)

Oh, look, it's Nora.

- She called you?
- Relax. It's Jill.

What's up?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down.

- Are you okay?
- What happened?

Someone broke into her house.
Uh, we're on our way.

Okay, listen, if the
police ask any questions,

I was here with you all
night watching movies.

You were watching
a movie with us.

Oh, good, say it just like that.

I just keep thinking, if I'd
gotten home ten minutes earlier,

maybe they still
would've been in here.

I could be lying
on the floor dead.

But your hands don't know it
yet, so they're still twitching.

Quit it.

(mouthing)

We're just glad you're okay.
What'd they get?

Oh, all the jewelry
that wasn't in the safe

and everything from
the loose cash bowl.

- The what?
- You know how you have

a bowl with loose pennies
and buttons in it?

Jill does that with 20s and 50s.

It's for tips,
trick-or-treaters or Mormons.

How much was in there?

I don't know, couple of inches?

I can't find the milk.

Oh, my God, those
bastards took the milk.

MAN (in distance): Ms. Kendall?

In the kitchen!

MAN: Big house. Doesn't help.

Follow my voice, follow my
voice, follow my voice!

All right, checked the whole property.
It's clear.

Thank you, Officer.

No problem.

Sir, just so you
know, I'm on parole.

But I have an alibi;
I was with them

watching slasher
movies all night.

Oh. Yeah, those are fun,

till you walk in on
a real crime scene.

I bet you've seen
some messed-up stuff.

I don't like to talk
about it, but no.

This is Napa Valley.

People call 911 when they
get a bad wedge of brie.

Oh, I love brie.

All right, here's my card.

Give me a call tomorrow with a
list of what's gone missing,

you know, for your insurance.

Thank you.

Oh, and, uh, I, uh...

I just got one more
question for you.

Um, is that a Kalamazoo
grill in the backyard?

I don't know. My
ex-husband put it in.

I don't touch the thing.

(chuckles softly) How can...

How can you not...

I'm sorry. It's just, when
I buy a lottery ticket,

that grill is what
I'm dreaming of.

You can burn wood,
charcoal, gas, or-or...

you can go infrared.

Infrared.

You're getting a little
worked up here, Officer.

It's just sitting there!

Well, good thing they
didn't steal that.

(chuckles) Okay.

You can't steal it;
it's built-in.

I'm sorry.

You ladies, have a,
have a good night.

It's a left, two
rights and a left.

Copy that.

Well, thanks again for coming,
but I think I'm okay now.

Yeah. Unless they come back.
(chuckles)

What?

Why would you say that?

It happens all the time.

I mean, now that the
guy knows the layout,

he could get a couple
buddies, come back,

- toss this place like a Caesar salad.
- Tammy!

I'm sorry! You're right.
It could be a chick.

I really appreciate you
guys spending the night.

I still think you could've
made room for me up there.

I still think, while you're down
there, you can rub my feet.

Bonnie, would you please
check the windows again?

(sighs) Sure.

- Back.
- Damn it.

You know, we can't sleep
here every night.

Speak for yourself.

This mattress is taking
on the shape of my ass.

- It's memory foam.
- Well, I want to marry it.

Maybe you should hire
some security, you know,

someone to stay here till
you get over the yips.

How 'bout that cop?

A lot of those guys
do off-duty work.

Mm, I don't know.

He wouldn't shut up
about my barbecue.

I mean, what man notices
that and not me?

You're right, don't call a cop.
Call a Hells Angel.

They know how to crack heads
and appreciate a pretty lady.

Shh, shh, shh! Did
you just hear that?

Jill, the alarm's on,
you're surrounded by us,

and Christy's closest to the door...
they'll get her first.

The hell they will!

(grunting)

Geez, shave your legs
once in a while!

Okay, if this is gonna work,

everybody has to
sleep on their side.

- Flip the dolphin, Tam.
- Oh, sure, sure.

What's this?

Warm brown food?

I'm in.

Appears to be some
sort of chili.

Yep, chili.

Hey! What are you
doing, you big moose?!

You just walk in

and eat anything that's
cooking on the stove?

It's kept me alive so far.

Well, it's not for you.
It's for Nora.

I did a little snooping
around on Instagram;

found out it's her
favorite thing.

Oh, my God, you're
making chili for Nora

just so she'll like you.

Hey, I used to make
you screwdrivers

to get you to like me.

You did have a good firm
pour for an eight-year-old.

I really think this
is gonna work.

I can almost feel her
loving me already.

You're really quite
pathetic, do you know that?

I've never denied it.

Excuse me.

I'm paying you to protect me,
not to sit here watching

six tiny black-and-white
movies at the same time.

You figured out those are the
security cameras I set up, yeah?

Halfway through.

What's going on there?
Those squirrels fighting?

Oh. Oh.

Yeah, they've been going
at it hot and heavy.

Definitely not married.

(both chuckle)

You know, you don't have to
keep bringing your own food.

You're welcome to
anything in the fridge.

Oh. Thanks, but years
of police work tell me

there's probably less
than a thousand calories

in this entire house.

Oh, really?

I got to ask you a question, Ms.
Kendall.

Oh, you've seen me without
makeup; call me Jill.

You've seen me without
makeup; call me Andy.

(chuckles) Great, Andy.
Ask away.

This is a huge house, and
you're just one person.

Don't you think you'd feel
safer in a smaller place?

Maybe.

But I've just been here so long,
I guess I'm kind of used to it.

And my ex wanted
it in the divorce,

so I cried until the judge
said I could have it.

Mm.

Yeah, my ex did the same thing
with my Raiders tickets.

And she doesn't even go.

It's painful enough trying
to watch a Raiders game.

Now I got to turn it on and see

those two empty seats
in the end zone.

Oh, that's nothing.

Does your ex have a
beautiful young wife

and an okay-looking child?

No. She's dating
another bald cop

who could stand to
lose 20 pounds.

What was wrong with me?

I'm done being on Team Sad.

I been through all four
stages of grief...

eating, crying,
drinking, snorting.

I been down that path.

Got stuck on eating.

Want a bite?

Nah.

I'm not eating bread,
cheese or meat right now.

- Watch your fingers.
- Oh.

(game show music
playing over TV)

- (channel changes)
- Hey, what are you doing?

I was watching...
whatever that was.

I want to watch the weather.

We live in California.

Here's your five-day forecast...
Nice.

Oh, wait. You want to watch
Nora so you can tell her

how much you love the way
she points at things.

Suck-up.

Am not.

Did I get a text saying how
much she loved my chili?

Yes, I did.

She even asked how
my day was going.

Is that the sound of the
ice queen cracking?

I think so.

Are you gonna ask questions
and also answer them?

Is that your new thing?

Is it? I don't know.

Shh, shh! My new bestie's on.

NORA: Ah, thanks, Rob!

And I agree, that is some tie.

(Nora and Rob laugh)

Well, looks like we might need

to break out the
sweaters, folks.

Temperatures will be
cooling down this week

thanks to winds coming
in from the west.

(farts)

Hey, you and your chili
just got a shout-out.

(auto-tuned): d Winds coming
in from the west d (farts)

d Winds coming in from
the west d (farts)

d Winds coming in from the west...
d (farts)

600,000 views!

The minute I saw this, I said,
"Let's make a YouTube video."

And Christy's all, "No, we
can't humiliate my sponsor."

Once again, my daughter holds
me back from greatness!

(laughs)

I feel sorry for her.

Okay, when did you let one rip?

High school talent show.

I was playing the flute, but
not nearly loud enough.

(laughs)

Move over, sex with Abe Lincoln.

That is now number one
on my time machine list.

(laughter) Man, poor Nora.

Let's watch it again.

Seriously, there's a 5% chance
they're laughing at Wendy.

We both know who
they're laughing at.

Here's your Tupperware.

I'm so sorry.

Well, don't be.

Am I feeling a little embarrassed?
Absolutely.

I'm human and I
frickin' farted on TV.

- And do you want to talk about that?
- Not with you.

I'll bring it to my
sponsor, who, by the way,

I'm also not buddies with.

Thank you for the coffee.
I got to go.

Right. Well, maybe we should...

Okay. All right. Bye!

Marjorie, give me my phone back.

How did you get from
farts to cat videos?

How's Nora?

Our friendship is dead, and
here's the murder weapon.

I just don't get what
the big deal is.

We all do it. We burp, we
fart, we pee when we laugh,

which only makes us laugh more,
which makes us pee more.

- Circle of life.
- (phone chimes)

Ooh, motion sensor alert.

Aw, look. Andy's
bringing in my mail.

How long you gonna
keep him around?

I don't know. He
makes me feel safe.

And he's a lot of fun.

We stayed up all
night just gabbing.

He told me stories
about being a Marine.

He really knows how to
take care of business.

Yeah? Did he take care
of your business?

While you were
gabbing all night?

Uh-huh.

Girl!

(scoffs) He's a great guy, but
you met him; he's not my type.

I don't know. He
brought in your mail.

Yeah, he did.

Girl!

Wendy, it's not working.

I know.

Okay, here are the keys
to your new locks.

Motion detectors are up,
cameras are working,

and I think the
squirrels got married.

How can you tell?

They're just eating in
silence next to each other.

(laughs)

(sighs) You sure you can't
stay one more night?

At this point, I'd just be
taking your money. You're safe.

I don't know how to thank you.

Promise me one thing.

I know, I know. I got to
use that big fancy grill.

I was gonna say please be sure
to set your alarm, but, yeah,

I will sleep better at
night knowing you finally

tossed a rib eye on that
magnificent bastard.

- Bye.
- Bye.

BOTH: Girl!

Oh, stop.

Let's just start
watching the movie.

- I think we just watched one.
- Mm-hmm.

A little romantic comedy

about the lonely rich
girl and her bodyguard.

D And I-ee-I... d

d Will always love
you-ooh-ooh... d

All right, knock it off.

I told you, he's not my type.

You're right. You only
date super handsome,

emotionally unavailable jerks.

Mmm. Just hearing
that turns me on.

Maybe it's time for a change.

No one's gonna judge you.

And if they do, who cares?
You're happy.

Yeah. Hey, I had a type, too,

and it wasn't a guy
in a wheelchair.

- Yeah, but Adam's hot.
- So hot.

And taken. Taken.

We'll see.

The point is that
cop made you smile

like I haven't seen
in a long time.

You guys are really
underestimating

how shallow I am.

Knockity-knock.

Hey. What are you doing here?

I just came by to bring you
this tiny cactus for luck.

I know it's your first day
back since the... incident.

"Incident." I like that.

Around here, they just call it
"that time I farted on TV."

I hope you're not mad
at me over all of this.

Okay, we got to nip
this in the bud.

Remember when I first
started sponsoring you

and I asked you to
do a fear inventory?

Yeah. Maybe it's
time for you to do

another one, because I don't
remember you writing down,

"I'm terrified that
people won't like me."

- I didn't write that down.
- Why not?

I was afraid it would
make you not like me.

Do you see what
you're doing here?

Yeah, yeah.

No.

If you always seek the
validation of other people,

you will never be content,

because you're making
them your higher power.

You're doing it with me.

And at the end of the day,
I'm just another drunk.

Oh. One who is 60 seconds
away from doing the weather.

Walk with me.

Ooh, we're gonna do the weather?

Mm-hmm.

- Nora, I just want to...
- Watch the cables.

Oh, my God, that's Sports
with Kane Stevens!

And you don't need him
to like you either.

Yes, I do. No, you don't.

Look, I didn't have a lot
going for me growing up,

but winning people over was
one of my strong suits.

And I'm sure it served you, but
you don't need it anymore.

Let me ask you something.
Do you like yourself?

'Cause that's the only person
you should be concerned about.

Now, off my set.

STAGE MANAGER: All right. In
five, four, three, two...

Look who's back.

All right, before I
get to the five-day,

let me acknowledge something
that got away from me last week.

- (Rob laughs)
- (chuckles) Laugh it up, Rob.

We all know you're not wearing
pants behind that desk.

Point is, we're all human.

We have our sunny
days and rainy days.

It's how you dust yourself off

to get to the next
day that matters.

So, looking ahead at...

Oh, my God, she winked at me.

Which is not a big deal...
beginning now.

(glass crashes)

(alarm wailing)

Andy! I was sleeping, and the
alarm started going off.

I think somebody's breaking in.

You will?

(sighs) You're the best.
See you soon.

(alarm continues wailing)

Girl.

ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!