Mom (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 10 - Pork Loin and a Beat-up Monte Carlo - full transcript

Hey, guys,

a quick announcement
before we start.

Uh, my firm...

Stone, Gannon and Associates.

Okay, I might have
mentioned it before.

We're offering a summer
internship for one-L's,

and I've decided
I'm giving it to someone

in this class.

- So this week, we're going to start...
- Oh, my God, I want it.

I'm gonna get this.

I mean, I-I'm the best student
in this class.



Who's better than me?
Glen?

Who wants a lawyer who's always
smelling his fingers?

Susan's always on her phone.

Joe looks like a little boy
wearing his father's suit.

And then there's Nick.

What's the deal with him?

Some days, he's handsome,

some days, he looks
like a giant marionette.

Hmm, come on, focus.

Who am I missing?

Oh, yes. Ha. Lisa.

The know-it-all
who actually knows it all.

Yeah, I'm thinking
about you, too.

'Cause I can take you.
'Cause I'm amazing.



Did I just say that to myself?

Oh, my God, I have confidence
and self-esteem.

When did that kick in?

And I really believe it.
I'm the best.

I'm the best.

That's right, deal with it.

*MOM*
Season 06 Episode 09

Episode Title :
"Pork Loin and a Beat-Up Monte Carlo"

So I am sitting in
my criminal law class today,

sizing up my competition,

and I realize, out of nowhere,

I am brimming with confidence.

Brim... ming.

Excuse me, Beatrice?

I asked for no mayo.
Guess what I got?

Mayo?

Gobs of it, Bea.

Would you like me
to take it back?

No. I'm really hungry.

I just wanted to be heard.

Thanks for letting me
be a part of this.

Look at you,
taking down a woman

who's been on her feet
for 12 hours.

Brimming.
No one is safe.

Well, if you're still feeling
feisty, you can come over

to my house and give my
gardener the business.

I got mushrooms
on my putting green.

Seems we've finally
turned the corner

from the usual complaints
about law school.

- Mm, uhm.
- She'll circle back.

This week, we're
doing a mock trial.

The professor picked
a real court case,

gave us all the files and
we're gonna try it ourselves.

Do you get to object?
I've always wanted to object.

What are you talking about?
That's all you ever do.

I object.

I wanted more from that.

I got picked to be
the prosecutor,

and this suck-up Lisa
is the defense attorney,

Whoever wins the case is clearly
going to get the internship.

Ooh, smart people cage fight.

Tammy's had a toothache
for a couple of days.

It really hurts when I eat.

Yummy, ow, yummy, ow.

Stop eating.

You don't stop eating a BLT.

Do you want me to
give you the number

to my dentist?
He's really hot.

All your doctors are hot.
Is that how you pick them?

Yeah.

I already have a
dentist appointment.

I was hoping one of you
could take me.

We could make it a day.

How is that a day?

They probably have a fish tank.
Wendy, you brightened a little.

Sorry, I have to work.
Can't Marjorie take you?

Nope. Fancy Pantsuit over here

is living it up in
the wilds of Canada.

By "living it up," she means
I'm speaking to 300 alcoholics.

Tell them what it's called.

The Saskatoon Sober Jamboree.

You left out the word "sad."

I'll take you
to the dentist, Tammy.

Thanks, Big Sauce.

You know, they don't let
just anyone speak at the Jam.

No fish tank.

Ooh.

Roasted pork loin with apples.

And a lovely side dish.

Some people just take a picture.

I left my phone in the car.

Why do you think
I'm looking at a magazine?

Let's get out of here.
You're done already?

They haven't even started.
They want to knock me out.

For a toothache?

Oh, no, we're way past that.
My mouth is a disaster.

There's gum scraping,
root canals.

They want to yank one clean out.

- Oh, man.
- I told them I'm sober

and I can't be put under.

Well, sure you can.
There's no part of the program

that says you're supposed
to suffer.

You know, unless you end up
in Canada with Marjorie.

- Oh, no, no.
- Go tell the dentist it's okay.

But then they want to give me
a prescription for pain pills.

You can take pills,
but you got to be careful.

- Those things are tricky.
- Right, right. Uh...

I'll just stick with the Tylenol.
I mean, it got me

through getting stabbed
in the leg with a fork,

- it'll get me through this.
- Wow.

Your time inside was rough.

Oh, no, that wasn't prison.
I was trying to kill a seagull

that landed in my lap.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

the facts of this case
are clear.

There is ample evidence that...

Am I moving my hands
too much?

I didn't hear
a word you said.

I was mesmerized by how good
you look in my suit.

What do you think?

Well, I-I don't know.
Angie Harmon used to move

her arms around a lot
on Law & Order.

Wha... She still on that show?

No, it got canceled.
She went to Rizzoli & Isles.

Well, that's not on anymore,
either.

Should we be worried
about her?

Guys, can we worry about my
career and not Angie Harmon's?

Uh, it's gonna be fine.
You're gonna do great.

Oh, my God.
Angie got divorced.

That woman can't catch a break.

Tammy's still asleep.
She's a bit of a drooler.

You're gonna need
to change your sheets.

Maybe even the mattress.

Great. But she better be up
before I go to bed tonight.

I have a really big day
tomorrow.

Eh, you say that
every day. You're like

the girl who cried "big day."

Well, this time it really is.

Tomorrow's the mock trial
and I'm completely unprepared

and I'm gonna lose
to know-it-all Lisa.

Yesterday, you said, and
I quote, you were gonna

"bitch slap her with the law."

Then I remembered
she went to private school

her whole life, aced her LSATs
and I'm me, daughter of you.

- Oh, thank God.
- What?

Angie got a miniseries
and a new guy.

Christy,
I think you've got this.

That drug dealer's going down.

Whoa, whoa.

Your case is about a drug
dealer? What are the facts?

The cops found the drugs
locked in a car in his driveway

but his defense is
it's not his car.

That's the oldest trick in
the book. Remember Oklahoma?

When I bought that
beat-up old Monte Carlo,

registered it
to a dead guy...

And stashed your drugs in it,
so nothing could be tied

to your name.
That's what this guy's doing.

- That's my girl.
- Well, this is scary.

The upsetting part of the story
is they lived in Oklahoma.

I mean, just move to Texas.
It's right there.

Tylenol!

Tammy's up. Tylenol!

It hurts! It's okay,
it's right here.

Ooh, hurry!

Please do what she says.

They don't make this easy.

- What's the problem?
- It's sealed, so

- kids don't get...
- Oh, I know why.

Ah, another seal.

Oh, just jam
your finger into it.

Oh, see, now I just pushed
the cotton down further.

Christy, you've got
the little monkey hands.

Can you get it out?

My past is an asset,

my tiny hands are an asset.

Everything's coming up Christy.

No!
Tammy!

What?

Spit those out.

Spit those out right now.
Do it.

All of them.

Here's two.

Might be three.
They're kind of stuck together.

Look at all these stupid people.

Why are they in front of us?

Because they got here first.

That doesn't seem fair.

I'm looking for some pain pills!

Last name's Diffendorf!

Why don't you go over there
and check your blood pressure

on that super cool machine?

How's that gonna
make me feel better?

It won't, but it's over there.

Diffendorf!

- Bonnie?
- Oh, thank God you answered.

You're never happy
to talk to me.

What's wrong?
Are the cats okay?

The cats are fine.
It's the other animal you live with

that I'm worried about.

Tammy's mouth
is a complete teardown.

She needs hardcore painkillers
to get her through the weekend.

When do you get home?

- Not till Tuesday.
- What?

I'm 300/10.
What does that mean?

She needs a responsible
sober person

to hold the pills for her.
Can't you come home early?

No. I made a commitment
to a lot of people

who are counting on me
being here.

Oh! Oh, Wayne, you devil.

I got to go.

What? Who's Wayne?

What are you here for?

Cholesterol.

Cut back on your butter.
Get behind me.

You?

I'd rather not say.

Got it. Boner pills.

You're behind me, too.
And keep your eyes up.

Come on, Bonnie. Everyone's cool
with us cutting in line.

I'm sorry, excuse me.
My friend is in a lot of pain.

Excuse me.
Hey, she said eyes up, pops.

Bonnie, wake up.
It's time. I need my pill.

It-it hasn't been six hours.

Five and a half is close enough.
My face is gonna fall off.

Give her a pill
or give me one.

It's important to wait.

Look,
I'll tell you what.

I-I'll help you
kill the time.

How about we go play Clue?
You love Clue.

Who did it?
We don't know.

I do love Clue.

But you can't play
with two people.

- Oh, Adam can play. He's up.
- No he's not.

- But he could be.
- No, he couldn't.

I'll go wake up Christy
and see if she wants to play.

- No. She's got a big day.
- Oh, she always says that.

No further questions,
Your Honor.

Thank you, Lisa.
Christy, your witness.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Good afternoon, Glen.

Sup?

Curious choice of hat.

I thought it would
make me look street.

Ha. Let the record reflect
it does not.

Christy, can we move this along?

It's your contention

that you are not, in fact,
a drug dealer, correct?

That's right.

Hmm.

And yet a car parked
in your driveway

was found to contain
nine kilos of cocaine.

It's my Uncle Ronnie's car.

Oh. Would that be

Ronald Williams,
who died in 2008?

Why are you holding
onto his car?

I'm a sentimental guy, yo.

Your Honor?

Knock it off, Glen.

Sorry,
it's just so fun.

This phone was on your person
when you were arrested.

It's a 20-year-old Nokia 8265.

Is this your phone?

- Yes.
- Hmm.

I'd think you'd have
a smartphone,

cool guy like you
with a cool hat.

Uh, I like to kick it
old school?

Or is it because an old phone
like this has no GPS,

making it impossible for the
police to track your movements?

Is it because, in fact,
this phone is widely used

by drug dealers everywhere
for exactly those reasons?

Objection.
She's making an argument.

Your Honor, the defendant claims
he is not a drug dealer,

but he hides drugs
like a drug dealer,

he uses an old phone
like a drug dealer.

He rents multiple motel rooms

to avoid search warrants
like a drug dealer.

Where'd she get all of this?
None of it was in the file.

It was all in the file, but
your childhood was too happy

for you to see it.

What's that supposed
to mean?

It means this is the
world I grew up in.

My mother was a drug dealer, yo.

And to be honest,

I've had my share
of dark years, too.

Do you ever wonder why I'm
the oldest one in this class?

- I did.
- Me, too.

I wondered as well,
but I'm not allowed to ask.

'Cause it was a long road
to get here.

I-I drank, I did drugs,
I was a stripper.

That has nothing to do with
this, but now it's out there.

Point is,

I-I know how drug dealers work,
and this scumbag is guilty.

The prosecution rests.

FYI, my parents got divorced
and they used me as a weapon,

so whatever.

Hey, sounds like
you're doing better.

I'm not.

Well, you've got a while before
the next pill, but until then,

I've got ice cream,
pudding and apple sauce.

Give me pudding.

Chocolate or
butterscotch?

Chocolate.
Don't ask dumb questions.

Fine. More
butterscotch for me.

You know, the whole
world's missing out.

Yes.

No.

Come on, Tammy, dig deep.

Use as directed.

"Every four hours"?

Hey, Tammy, I took a shot
at some Cool Whip.

Thought it might jazz up
your pudding...

Four hours!
Every four hours!

Not six, not five.

Four!
Okay, okay.

Let's just keep this table
between us and I'll explain.

While it's technically true

you can have a pill
every four hours,

I made an executive decision

to see if we could
stretch it to six,

and I think we're doing great.

Why would you make me suffer?

Because I love you.

You do?

O-Of course.

Come here.

I still think you can last
six hours.

- You're a dead woman!
- What?

Stop putting furniture
between us.

I've done this
with cops for hours.

I can go all night.

I just feel so lost right now.

I thought I could trust you.

You're the closest thing
I have to a sister.

You can trust me.

I'm really just trying
to protect you.

These pills can be
really dangerous.

I know, I'm just... headlock!

Ow!

That was so mean.

- You put me in a headlock.
- That was a hug.

You yelled "headlock!"

Tammy, a couple years ago,
I hurt my back.

They gave me these things and
I was convinced I could handle it.

But it wasn't long before
one pill every four hours

became four pills
every one hour.

I'm sorry, but this disease
is a sneaky little bitch,

and I just don't want
you to wake her up.

I hate you right now.

And I love you.

I definitely
don't want to relapse.

So it's been four hours.

Do you want a pill?

No. I'm gonna try
to make it six.

Five and a half.

Here you go.
Thank you.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, Christy.

Thanks for coming.
Look, you did a really great job

the other day.

I mean,
I think Glen is still weeping.

Yeah. I think I saw
his hat in the trash.

So listen, I want to talk
to you about the internship.

Oh, really?

The internship.
I totally forgot about that.

I'm giving it to Lisa.

What? No. I destroyed her
in mock trial.

- I know you did, but...
- I know what's going on here.

You find out I have
a sketchy past,

and all of a sudden, I am not
welcome at your snooty law firm.

Christy, if you would
allow me...

I worked my ass off
to get here.

And yes, I said "ass,"
I was a stripper.

I don't know why I
keep bringing that up.

My law firm would
like to offer you

a paying position this summer.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

I'm not allowed to hug you back,
but congratulations.

Right, right.

I just want to get something
off my chest.

For three years,
I have misled you all

into believing
something about me.

She used to be a man.
I told you.

This is very difficult to say,

but I, um,

I never actually watched
Breaking Bad.

I know, I know,

but I just couldn't get into it.

And every time you guys talked
about it, I-I was faking.

You'd all be like,

"Heisenberg" and "Jesse,"
and I'd say,

"Yes, great episode."

Anyway, weight lifted. Thanks.

You better not be
lying about Cake Wars.

Of course not.

Would anyone else
like to share?

Hey, everybody.
I am awesome.

Sorry, just wanted
to let you know.

Now I have to go
to Gamblers Anonymous. See you.

Does anybody else think

confident Christy
is super annoying?

I'll go. Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.

- Hi, Bonnie.
- I know you don't

hear this a lot from me,

but I am really proud of myself.

I have a sober friend
who had dental work done

- and needed pain pills.
- She's talking about me.

And I was the one
who held them for her.

Now, the amazing thing is,
the whole time,

I never once thought
about taking a pill myself.

All I could think about was
taking care of my friend.

And it led me to a discovery,
one that I have mastered,

but I think the rest of you
are ready for.

This program

is really about helping
other people,

and by helping other people,
I helped myself.

Think about that.

And if I'm the first person
to recognize that,

let it be my gift to you.

I'm going back to Canada.

Sync corrections by srjanapala