Mom (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Smooth Jazz and a Weird Floaty Eye - full transcript

Bonnie insists on meeting Adam's estranged brother, Patrick; things get weird when Patrick takes a romantic interest in Christy.

You lose something?
Oh, come on.
You're still not talking to me?
I said I was sorry.
(sighs)
You know, I don't mind
that you borrow my car
without asking.
I don't mind that
you never put gas in it.
I don't even mind that
I have to pull my seat up
all the way from Freaktown.
But when I turn on the radio and
you've changed all my stations,
that's when I snap.
Hey, when I hear Kenny G,
that's when I snap.
Where are you going?
Oh, I'm just heading out
for a little bit.
Where?
Got a thing.
What thing?
I'm meeting a guy for a beer.
BONNIE: Who?
You don't know him.
Where are you going?
Who are you meeting?
CHRISTY:
Surrender
or before you know it,
you're a year older.
My brother's in town.
You have a brother?
This is gonna make me
late for work,
but it's worth it.
Why am I not meeting him?
Maybe Adam's ashamed of you.
Hey.
You're not talking to me,
Smooth Jazz.
Tell me why I shouldn't be
incredibly hurt right now.
We're not that close.
The only reason I'm seeing him
is to sign some papers
for our parents' estate.
Estate?
Don't get excited.
It's a thousand bucks a year.
Why my parents
decided to dole it out
until I'm 85 remains a mystery.
Still, uh, after you've gone,
that grand goes to me?
Go nuts.
I'm an heiress.
Adam, a hint.
Sleep with your eyes open.
Already do.
I'll see you later.
Wait.
Why can't I meet him?
What, was he born
without a nose?
Weird, floaty eye?
Spits when he says,
(spitting):
"sauteed spinach."
Yes, it's all of those things.
Can I go now?
No. I am meeting him
and that's final.
I'm not gonna win this, am I?
You gave up those balls
the minute you put a ring
on her finger.
BONNIE: Give me
five minutes to change.
First the legs, now you guys.
The darkness is moving north.
*
Here you go, Bonnie.
Well, thank you, Patrick.
How gallant.
Sure beats a beer
in my hotel lobby.
You're gonna love it.
Oh, waitress.
God, I hate her.
Welcome to the Rustic Fig.
The one place
I used to feel safe.
(laughs)
I told you, she's a pistol.
Wish I had one right now.
Hey, Christy.
I'm Patrick.
Really nice to meet you.
Hi.
Hi.
Since Patrick's only in town
for the night, we thought we...
She thought.
...we'd come here.
What better way for us all
to get to know each other?
With me serving
you food. Yay.
Can I please have
whatever kind of beer
can get here fastest?
Can you make that two?
But take your time.
And I'll have, let me see...
uh...
What's in a virgin mojito?
Lime juice, cane sugar
and my thumb.
I'll have a water.
Patrick, I'm so glad
we're doing this.
Oh, me, too. I didn't
even know you existed.
I didn't know you existed.
You both exist.
Should we figure out
what we're gonna eat?
Charming as ever, dude.
Bite the big one, Pat.
What fun.
Oh, I'm getting a picture
of the two of you
growing up together.
Roughhousing
out at the lake.
I don't know. Was there a lake?
There was an ocean.
In fact,
Adam taught me to surf.
Man, you sure ran with that one.
What does that mean?
I own a company
that makes surfboards.
Wow, didn't waste any time
squeezing that one
into the conversation.
Okay, why don't we talk about
how you hung out
with Russell Crowe?
He does work that one in a lot.
We got drunk in Prague.
He threw a phone at me.
It's a good story.
The first seven times,
am I right?
(laughs)
I hear something different
every time.
Okay, two beers
and one tap water
with a splash of spit.
Well, we definitely
want appetizers.
What do you recommend?
Going to a different restaurant.
Oh, Christy.
(laughing)
Tell me about the crab cakes.
No.
Your brother seems
like a nice guy.
Where in the world
did you get that?
Well, he paid for dinner
while you were being
a dick all night.
That was my takeaway.
I don't like the guy.
I thought you might have
picked up on that
when I told you
I don't like the guy.
Oh, come on.
How many times did
Christy tell everyone
she hated me at dinner tonight?
It's just something people say.
At least it's over.
I never have
to see him again.
Yikes. What happened
with you guys?
He bang your prom date?
Women aren't that
important to me.
Stare all you want;
I'm not taking it back.
Ugh.
It's not fair.
I parade my dirty family laundry
in front of you every day.
You owe me this.
All right, fine.
That surfboard company, my idea.
I worked there.
I helped get it started,
but did he cut me in
on the profits
once it became a success?
I'm guessing no.
Nothing.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Those profits should
be ours-- yours.
Thank you.
God.
You know what really
upset me tonight?
Hmm?
Discovering that my daughter
is a terrible waitress.
I still don't think you
should've complained
to the manager.
How else is she
gonna get better?
Are you eating
garbage cake?
It was untouched.
Anniversary dinner.
He shot her a look
when she ordered the cake.
Things went downhill fast.
Well, in that case,
hand me a fork.
Mm.
Thank you.
This is a surprise.
What brings you back?
Ah, there's nothing good
in my hotel's garbage.
I thought I was coming
back here for a nightcap.
(whispering):
This is so much better.
You sure?
Mmm.
I got half a martini
in here.
Wait. There's
a shrimp tail in it.
(laughs)
No, I'm good.
So, did you survive dinner
with my mother?
Oh, my God, I love her.
She's hilarious.
No more cake for you.
Hey, anybody gives my brother
a hard time is okay by me.
To be perfectly honest,
um, I spent most of dinner
waiting for you to come
back to the table.
Oh, my God.
Are you the one who
complained to my manager?
No, it's just that every time
you came back to the table,
things were... you know,
really good.
(laughing): Sorry.
I'm recently divorced.
I'm a little rusty.
I'm sorry.
Are you flirting with me?
You couldn't tell?
See, this is where
my rustiness comes in.
Ah, newly divorced,
too, huh?
Nope, just good old rust.
(laughs)
Well, um, what I'm
trying to say is, uh,
I'm supposed to be
leaving tomorrow,
and if you happen
to be free tomorrow
and are amenable to what
I'm about to propose,
I was thinking I could
stay an extra night
for the express purpose of
taking you out tomorrow.
Just to be clear,
we're talking about tomorrow?
Yeah. Although
it is midnight,
so tomorrow is now today.
So, uh... (mumbles)
...today.
I'd really like that.
Oh, great. Great.
I'll bring the oil can.
For the rustiness.
You know, Wizard of Oz.
(chuckles)
Not dry vagina.
My God, I...
I just said "dry vagina."
And pointed.
(chuckles)
Okay, what do you think?
Great. Let me see the tush.
Damn it, I used to have
a cute, little booty like that.
You will again.
You already lost six pounds.
Mm, five.
Paid 300 bucks
for some black market licorice
last night.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Bonnie.
You heard that, too, right?
It's Jill.
We're Skyping.
You're awfully dressed up
for that.
She's got a date.
Really? With who?
Just a guy.
Adam's brother.
(laughs)
This is fun!
But he left town.
He decided to stay an extra day
just for little old me.
Are you kidding me? You can't
go out with Adam's brother.
And yet I've got my good bra on,
and I'm headed out the door.
No, no, you don't get it.
Adam really doesn't like him.
I don't like you, but we eat
eight meals a week together.
Wait. So why does Adam
not like his brother?
I don't care! He's in town
for one more night,
and he asked me out
like an awkward eighth grader,
so I'm going.
Just so you know, you and
your bra are ruining my life.
Oh, I miss you girls.
Hello?
Am I talking to an empty room?
God, I'm so hungry.
(sportscaster speaking
indistinctly over television)
(clearing throat loudly)
Staircase.
What's going on?
What's going on is
I wanted some quality time
with my man.
Can we do that?
Where's Christy?
She had a date tonight.
Oh, good for her.
You know,
I don't understand
why some guy
hasn't just swept her
off her feet.
Well, I guess that thought
runs in your family,
'cause your brother stayed
an extra day to take her out.
Kiss me.
Bonnie. Bonnie.
Adam. Oh, Adam...
Wait, w-wait.
Hang on a minute.
Christy's on a date
with Patrick?
That's right.
Let's get those pants off.
(stammers)
You know, you did this.
What do you mean?
I was just gonna go out
and have a drink with him
and sign some
papers, but no,
you had to stick
your nose in there
and Bonnie it all up.
Hey, I was gonna
use this mouth
to say I'm sorry,
but it can just as easily
go eat a sandwich.
*
Oh...
Oh...
So, what's your favorite
place to surf?
Ah. Uh... Costa Rica,
probably.
You know, one time I was, um,
waiting for a set to come in
when I realized, suddenly,
that I was surrounded
by dolphins.
Wow, that sounds beautiful.
Ah.
Yeah, it was,
until I realized
the dolphins were
surrounded by sharks,
and that was the moment
I learned I could fly.
I took acid once
and learned I couldn't fly.
Duh...
Oof...
(both groaning)
You know, we've been playing
for 20 minutes,
and neither one of us
has made a shot.
Yeah.
(groaning)
Well, that was pretty close.
Should we just start
counting those?
I'll tell you where
we went wrong.
Not enough blue stuff
on the end of the thing.
Step aside and watch me work.
Okay.
Wow! Whoo!
Oh, my God,
I got one in!
I got one in.
Not the one I wanted, but still.
Toss me that magic blue cube.
We are not leaving
until I sink one, too.
Don't you have to go
back home tomorrow?
(chuckles)
Well, actually,
I'm taking a couple
weeks off
to surf my way
down the coast.
Oh.
(ball drops)
Boy, that sounds great.
Do you surf?
Nope.
I can barely swim.
That's why I don't
take baths.
I mean, I shower.
I'm clean.
Smart, beautiful,
hygienic.
Final box checked.
(man speaking indistinctly
over television)
(sighs)
Oh, God, what now?
Your brother's staying
another week
to be with Christy.
And to your left,
more vineyards.
You picked a hell
of a place to get sober.
I know, right?
Could have moved
to Utah,
but where's
the challenge in that?
Yeah.
Lot of grapes.
What are those, red?
See? It's like
you live here.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Sure.
What's the deal
with you and Adam?
Oh, well, what can I say?
Uh, we used to be really tight.
We started our business
together,
and six months later, he bailed.
Left me high and dry.
Wow.
I can see why you're mad at him,
but what's his problem?
Oh, that's simple.
I made the business
into a success,
and now he's jealous.
That doesn't sound like
the Adam I know.
Well, it's the Adam I know.
But, hey, maybe
your mom's had
a good influence on him.
(Christy laughing)
This is a disaster.
Adam is furious,
and I'm out of lingerie.
But I'm happy.
Isn't that what moms are
supposed to want for their kids?
On what planet?
You are standing
in between me
and a thousand dollars
a year.
You are so selfish.
You are so selfish.
What do you guys think?
Look, they remembered
we're here.
Well, I th...
Da-da-da!
You're obviously only
dating Patrick to annoy me.
No, I am dating Patrick
because he's a nice guy.
Annoying you is
a delightful bonus.
I'm gonna shop for jeans.
I'm confused-- why is Adam
so upset about this?
Because Adam and
Patrick hate each other.
Why?
Why does anyone
ever fight? Money.
Well, maybe you two can
help them patch things up.
You were estranged for years
and found a way to reconnect,
and it's been wonderful.
All right, settle down.
I wouldn't go that far.
Do you guys think
I could pull off overalls?
No.
I'm just saying you
could be a good example
to these boys.
Maybe.
Got to admit,
nobody knows decades
of estrangement
and then a quasi-satisfying
makeup like we do.
Yeah. Of course,
if we had money,
things could get dicey.
If we had money, you'd
be dead by sundown.
(knock on door)
Someone's at the door.
CHRISTY:
I'll get it.
Hey, Adam.
I like that shirt.
Oh, thanks.
Wow, why are you
so dressed up?
Oh, son of a bitch.
Hey.
Hi.
(turns TV off)
Oh. Didn't know you'd be here.
Why wouldn't I be here?
It's my fiancée's house.
And another great talk.
Can we go?
Actually, I was thinking
you could come in for a sec.
Ah...
I take it we're being set up?
Looks like it.
Wow, isn't this
a nice surprise.
They're onto us, Mom.
Then let's just jump right in.
We're trying to help
you two asshats
be more like us.
How is name-calling gonna help?
What'd I say?
Look, nobody's had
more bad water
under the bridge than me
and Amazon Prime over here.
But we got over it.
And if we can,
anyone can.
So, sit.
(mock crying)
Okay, animosities.
Go.
Okay, why don't I help
get the ball rolling?
Patrick, Adam is
upset with you
because you hogged all the
surfboard money for yourself.
What?
Is that what you told her?
Because that's what happened.
No, it's not.
Patrick was just a kid
starting up a business.
You're the one
who bailed on him.
How did I bail on you?
You took off for Hollywood
to start your big
stuntman career.
Hey, the surfboard business
was my idea.
I got it off the ground for you,
and then something good
happened to me. I'm so sorry.
Off the ground?
I worked 16-hour days
without you.
I had to quit school.
Oh, take off your skirt.
Our business was great,
and you didn't share
a dime with me.
Oh, please.
I don't see you for ten years.
How is it still "our" business?
I was working on movies.
I-I was on location.
I'm sorry I wasn't there
to hold your hand.
Kind of a soft argument.
Step it up.
You know,
I started this business
to be with my brother, but since
all you care about is money,
I'm happy to write you a check.
I don't want your money.
(groans)
We're winning. Keep going.
You know, if you wanted
to be with me so badly,
where were you
when this happened?
What?
I was in the hospital
for a year.
Guys I hadn't seen
since high school came by.
You never did.
I wanted to be there.
Then why the hell weren't you?
Because I figured
I was the last person
you'd ever want to see.
Why wouldn't I want to see you?
You're my brother.
If I'd known that,
I'd have been there in a second.
I love you, man.
I love you, too.
Dude.
Now would be the perfect time
to get that check.
How did this happen?
My date's having dinner
with your fiancé,
and I'm having my ninth meal
of the week with you.
Bringing them together
feels good, though, right?
Yeah, it does.
We saved a family tonight.
I'm gonna say this to you
'cause you get it,
but I wouldn't say it out there.
Heroes.
It's the only word that works.
Was a little weird
seeing those two crying.
Right? Not sexy.
No.
I will be asleep
when Adam gets home tonight.
You know, if things work out
and we marry these guys...
...you'd be my mother
and my sister-in-law.
And you'd be married
to your stepuncle...
...which would make you
your own niece.
The sad part is,
not the weirdest thing
we've ever done.
Not even close.
But still...
heroes.