Mom (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Poodle Fuzz and a Twinge of Jealousy - full transcript

Okay, maybe I'm
old-fashioned.
Says the man who
wears Aqua Velva.
I thought you like that.
I do. Go on with
your rant, honey.
I just don't think
that dogs belong in stores.
I can't take my ice cream
into a pet store,
so why do all these people
bring their dogs
into an ice cream store?
They're service dogs.
Really? How was that
ratty little poodle
being of service to that woman
with the big, fake lips?
She must need him
or she wouldn't have
bought him a stroller.
Oh, d-don't get me started
on the strollers
or the matching hats.
You know, you're getting
dangerously close
to old coot territory.
(imitating old coot):
Which is just over yonder
by those kids who won't
pick a damn gender!
(phone chimes)
(both laugh)
It's Christy.
Is that coconut or poodle fuzz?
She wants me
to pick up her waitress uniform
at the dry cleaner.
I love how she thinks
I have nothing better to do.
Do you?
My side.
You're on my side.
(chuckles)
"Will try,
but Adam in a
dark place again."
Hey, hey, don't drag me
into this.
Oh, I do it
all the time.
If she asks, you have just
a kiss of manic depression.
"Will try, but Adam
really ne..." (screams)
Oh, my God. Are you all right?
Oh! Oh!
This is bad. This is really bad.
Okay, here, take my hands.
I'll pull you up.
(grunts)
Oh, stop. I can't stand.
Honey, you got to get up.
You're in a bus stop.
Eventually,
there's gonna be a bus.
(grunts) Okay.
Let me try to drag myself out.
All right.
Hurry, hurry.
Did you just eat your ice cream?
Uh, I don't know. Did I?
How about when you're done
with your treat,
you call 911!
*
So, what's the spa like?
Oh, we take hikes
through the desert,
we meditate,
we eat super healthy.
It's been the worst week
of my life.
Well, you look good.
Damn well better look good
after I-- W-What's that?
What are you eating?
Just a muffin.
Don't say "just a muffin" to me.
I'm on ten calories a day.
Hold it up.
Not the wrapper side.
Show me her face.
Ooh, she's pretty.
Jill, it's a muffin
I bought at a car wash.
Oh, they're all the same
in the dark.
What kind is it?
Bran.
Lie to me.
Double chocolate chip.
Yeah, it is.
Take another bite.
This is getting kind of weird.
Take a bite!
Oh, yeah.
(door opens)
Oh, got to go.
I'm gonna reheat
some pizza later.
I'll call you then.
What time?!
Hey, where's my mom?
She asked me
to make sure you were here
so she could make an entrance.
What?
Come on in!
Is she gonna do that thing
where she asks
"What's different about me?"
and I'm gonna have to guess?
Maybe, but it'll be easy.
Oh, my God!
What happened?
You made me fall.
How?
You kept texting me
about your stupid dry cleaning
while I was walking
and eating ice cream.
I almost got hit by a bus.
It was nine blocks away,
but she could see it.
Are they broken?
Yes.
No. She tore
a couple of ligaments.
She'll be in the chair
for a few weeks.
You hear that, Christy?
Torn ligaments
because of your dry cleaning.
Yeah. You have size 15 feet,
but sure, I'm the one at fault.
The X-ray lady had trouble
getting 'em in the same shot.
Hey! My side.
Well, is there anything
I can do to help?
For starters, you have to be
the building manager
until I can walk again.
I meant more like
get you a pillow.
I'll take that, too.
All right.
Well, you know,
just write a list
of things I need to do
around the building,
and I'll be like you
and not do them.
That's all I'm asking.
BONNIE:
Oh, I'm slipping off the toilet!
CHRISTY:
Just push yourself off the bowl!
BONNIE: Grab my butt. Ow!
CHRISTY: Hold the towel rack!
You're hurting my leg!
(Christy groans)
CHRISTY:
Stop pulling my hair!
BONNIE: Pull up my pants!
(glass breaks)
CHRISTY: Great! Now we're gonna
have seven years bad luck.
BONNIE:
How will we tell?
I always knew someday she'd
need help using the toilet,
but I was really hoping
I'd be dead by then.
We better
get this worked out
before I have my coffee
tomorrow morning.
For what it's worth,
I really enjoyed listening.
You guys should do a podcast.
I'm glad you were entertained
by me almost peeing
on my daughter's hand.
"Almost"?!
It was a direct hit!
(ringtone playing)
Oh, great.
Course my phone's
in the kitchen.
Christy, do you mind?
Hold on, I'm boiling my hand.
She used to pay good money
for clean urine.
Hello?
Uh, uh-huh.
Okay, I'll tell her.
Beverly's smelling
something dead in her apartment.
Not the first time.
Hope and animals
go there to die.
What do you want to do?
Well, clearly
I can't do anything,
but you better get right on it.
Can't we just turn up the heat
and see if whatever it is
dries out?
Just get up there.
Oh, and grab the hammer
out of my toolbox.
Sometimes the dead thing
isn't completely dead.
What?
They scratch, they nip,
they try to lay eggs in you.
It's disgusting.
If the dead thing bites me,
I am biting you.
Ooh. I'll bite you back.
There's your podcast:
sober chicks
who bite each other.
Do you see anything?
CHRISTY:
Yep, it's a dead mouse.
Wait.
Yeah, it's dead.
(groans)
You're gonna need
a new pair of tongs.
Why? It's just
another kind of meat.
Now I'm kind of glad
I turned down
the lasagna you offered me.
Okay, I'm just gonna go
throw Mickey in the Dumpster.
After that, can you drive me
to the pharmacy?
What?
I can't drive at night.
Your mom takes me.
My mother?
Yeah.
My mother does you favors?
Christy, it's not a kidney.
It's just a ride
to the pharmacy.
Okay.
Well, I guess
I can take you.
Thank you.
(mouse squeaking)
Oh! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
All right, off we go.
(TV playing quietly)
(channel changes)
No.
(channel changes)
No.
(channel changes)
(scoffs) God, no.
(channel changes)
Wait.
No.
(channel changes)
(sighs)
Okay, we're back
to Matlock in Spanish.
You know the worst thing
about being in a wheelchair?
Enlighten me.
I'm just so bored.
I have all this energy
and nothing to do with it.
It's like my usual sparkle
is being wasted.
I wouldn't mind getting
a little of that sparkle on me.
What are you talking about?
Really?
The sparkle thing wasn't clear?
(chuckles)
Look at me. It's not happening.
Oh, it's happening.
Parts of it
have already started.
BONNIE:
Pull me up. Pull me up.
ADAM:
I'm pulling.
BONNIE: Swivel and slide.
Swivel and slide!
ADAM:
Stop flailing.
BONNIE:
Oh! Hey, we got it.
The right parts are touching.
(both grunt)
(both panting)
We should probably
get undressed now.
How about you just tickle
my back and we take a nap.
All right.
Just so you know,
the light is on.
Oh, thanks, Christy.
Mind if I ask a question?
Why does a blind man
need a light bulb?
That was the one.
It helps regulate
my circadian rhythms.
Also, I have friends who don't
like to sit in the dark.
Oh, yeah.
Never thought about that.
Can I ask one more favor?
Sure.
When your mom drops in
to fix something,
she usually hangs around
and reads to me.
Oh, come on. She does not.
Started out she'd read my mail,
then we worked our way
up to books.
She never even read to me.
That's a sad story.
My book is
on the table.
Okay.
I guess I got a
couple minutes.
From the bookmark, please.
"Chapter 12.
"She walked into my office
"on legs that could wrap
around a man twice.
"I felt a twinge
of jealousy
for the cigarette
between her lips."
Hey, Dr. Seuss,
it's not a children's book.
(breathy):
"I felt a twinge of jealousy
for the cigarette
between her lips."
Mmm.
"The kind of lips
that God made for one reason
and one reason only."
Oh, that's graphic.
Don't look at me.
Your mom picked the book.
Hand to God,
she reads to blind guys,
helps old people run errands,
and-- get ready for this one--
she got a tenant's Social
Security check in the mail,
and she returned it.
BOTH:
Whoa.
Is it possible
my mom's secretly a nice person?
No.
Not a chance.
I mean, I'd get it
if my mom was bragging
all over the place about
what a great person she is,
but here's the thing--
she's not.
She's doing all this nice stuff
on the down low.
Okay, well, let's try
to look at this in a new way.
We all know from sobriety
miracles can happen.
Junkie hooker becomes CEO, sure.
Bonnie Plunkett becomes
a nice person, no.
People do change
in recovery.
It's true.
I used to be very
quiet and low energy.
And you are an inspiration.
But my mom is
a different kind of animal.
My mom... is an animal.
Well, you have every right
to feel that way
given your history,
but maybe it's time
we all admit
she's becoming a better person.
Oh, please.
You know that story
about the frog helping
the scorpion cross the river?
Yeah. Your mother's
the scorpion,
and she can't
change her nature.
No. My mother's the river,
and everybody drowns in her.
Okay, I got her
in the tub.
With any luck, she'll doze off,
and that'll be that.
(laughs)
You guys are cute
when you wish each other dead.
Make you a sandwich?
Thanks.
So... you're marrying my mother.
Unless she drowns
in that tub.
Then you're
the right person to ask.
I'm guessing there are things
about her you like.
Of course.
What are they?
Are you looking
for something specific?
For starters, do you think
she's a good person?
Let me tell you
why I'm making a sandwich.
Your mother and I were supposed
to go out to lunch today
at that new Italian place.
(sighs)
Hello there.
We need a table for two,
preferably by a window
because... you know.
What do wheelchairs have
to do with the window?
Shh. I got this.
I'm sorry. We don't have
any tables available.
Thanks anyway. I told you we
should've made a reservation.
Hang on.
Sir, you can't turn us away.
Do you realize
how challenging it is
for us to just
get out of the house?
Bonnie...
But today,
we said, "Darn it,
let's go out
for a nice lunch
like normal people."
Are you kidding me?
I'm so sorry. Let me see if
I can shift some things around.
Please don't bother.
We're out of here.
What? Why?
He's shifting.
Uh...
You're unbelievable.
I'm sorry. He's got a kiss
of manic depression.
Keep shifting.
We'll be right back.
Oh, my God, she's a monster.
Thank you.
I feel so much better.
What are you talking about?
Well, Marjorie was trying
to convince me that my mom's
becoming a better person.
This is really good.
Excellent lettuce-to-meat ratio.
Thank you, but I...
I'm not done with the story.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
What happened next?
She sucker-punch a baby?
Just listen.
Slow down!
Hey, stop that man!
He stole my purse!
Really?
What are you so mad about?
We're getting a table.
We'll probably get
a free dessert.
How could you embarrass
me like that?
What's embarrassing?
It was working.
You made me an
object of pity.
Well, to get what
Napa Valley Monthly calls
"the best bucatini
outside of Naples."
Bonnie, I don't want
people to see me
as different,
as "less than."
You're not "less than."
You're damn right I'm not.
But you wanted the maître d'
to feel sorry for us.
I just thought
I could get a better table.
Do you know
how hard I work
for people not to see
me as a guy in a chair?
I guess I-I don't
think about it
because you make it
look so easy.
Well, that's the way
that I want it to look.
I don't cut in line, I don't
bitch when there's not a ramp,
and I don't ask for
special treatment.
Ever.
No, you don't, and...
and I shouldn't have, either.
I guess I don't think enough
about what you go through
because I'm too busy
thinking about myself.
I'm sorry, Adam.
I'm so, so sorry.
She actually said,
"So, so sorry"?
It surprised me, too.
She just straight-up apologized?
No blaming other people,
no fake tears,
no "I grew up
in the foster system.
I slept in a dog bed
till I was 11."
She even went back inside
and apologized to the maître d'.
Wow.
She really is changing.
Well...
BONNIE:
Damn it, Christy!
My bath is
getting cold!
So turn the hot water on!
I can't!
I'm reading!
Just give her a second.
Never mind!
I figured it out!
I put the book down!
WOMAN (over TV):
Don't avoid the world
because of moderate
to severe plaque psoriasis.
Do you have any idea
what plaque psoriasis is?
Maybe it's when you get an award
for your psoriasis.
Well, this guy has it,
and then he took this pill,
and now he's having
the best day of his life.
He's swimming,
he's making pottery.
Hey, I kind of wish I had it.
Ready for your lunch?
I was ready 30 minutes ago.
How long does it take you
to open a can?
Actually, it's
not from a can.
I made it from scratch.
Really? What's that
floatin' in there?
Vegetables.
Ugh.
Well, I'll choke it down.
Bon appétit.
What's with the smile?
I'm just... happy
you're my mom.
Why?
You're so funny.
Careful. It's hot.
This unexpected pleasantness
is very unsettling.
Can't a daughter just
be nice to her mother?
Not this daughter,
not this mother.
Well, you better
get used to it,
because I love you
no matter what.
Yeah, well, uh,
I used the lost kid room
at Walmart for day care.
That's okay.
The security guard taught me
how to spell my name.
What's that all about?
Oh, Christy's acting
like she loves me,
and it's really pissing me off.
I love you, too.
I will kick you with this boot.
(whistling a tune)
(door opens)
CHRISTY: Mom?
(door closes)
Hey.
Hey.
Weren't you supposed
to go to the doctor today?
I did.
Turns out he wants me
to stay off my feet
another week just to be safe.
Oh, no.
I know. I'm so disappointed.
I really hate being a burden.
You're not a burden.
Oh, thanks, honey.
By the way,
there is a family of raccoons
living in the wall of 5G.
You're gonna need the gloves,
and as cute
as you think the babies are,
they will go
right for your eyes.
I'm on it.
Christy, wait.
Yeah?
There's something
I have to tell you.
My laundry is really piling up.
I'll take care of it.
You're the best.
By the way,
you might want to
close that cabinet,
you lying, worthless dirtbag.
Don't tell Adam!
Don't tell Adam!