Mom (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Fancy Crackers and a Nashville Minute - full transcript

Can I just say
what a miracle
duct tape is?
It is literally holding
this building together.
Why do you even bother
with that toolbox?
Well, 'cause I need scissors
to cut the tape.
What are you doing?
Filling out law school
applications.
Stanford? Oh, honey.
This is you thinking
you had a shot
with Matt Dillon
all over again.
Hey, we had some serious
eye contact at the supermarket.
He was memorizing your face
for the police report.
Well, I'm not actually
applying to Stanford.
I just picked up the brochure
to make the other applications
nervous.
Well, why not send it in?
Maybe they have a quota
for bitter, lonely,
middle-aged alcoholics.
We can hope.
But meanwhile, each application
ends up costing like $200.
And everyone applies to at least
three or four schools.
Oh.
"Oh"?
What's that supposed to mean?
I shouldn't apply to law school?
I'm not gonna get anywhere,
so why even bother?
All I said was, "Oh."
Sometimes I forget
how much craziness
you're lugging around
in that coconut.
Ugh.
(sighs)
I'm sorry.
This is stressful.
Maybe I should just pick one
school and pray I get accepted.
Oh, come on.
This is your future.
Don't cheap out.
We'll just cut back
on some extravagances.
What extravagances?
Yesterday I had to sew a poorly
located hole in my underwear.
Well...
okay, how about those
fancy crackers you buy?
Again, Ritz Crackers
are not fancy.
You're just fooled by the name.
Well, there's got
to be something.
What's our biggest bill?
Probably cable and Internet.
We're not stealing cable?
What has happened to us?
We became better people
and that's very expensive.
Okay, well, let's give up cable
and Internet for a few months.
Really?
You'd do that for me?
Thanks.
Now I can apply
to all of them.
Oh.
Even Stanford?
Ugh. I don't think so.
Why set myself up
for getting my heart broken?
(sighs) Well, if
you change your mind
and your heart does break,
duct tape.
*
I'm just saying,
I've now given up pot,
pills, cocaine, alcohol
and most illegal activities,
but nothing has kicked my ass
like quitting the Internet.
No Facebook. No Twitter.
Ugh.
My 36 followers are
probably worried sick about me.
But que sera.
I'm doing this
for my daughter
because sobriety
has transformed me
into a thoughtful, generous,
deeply empathic being.
Not to mention humble.
I was too humble to say it,
so thank you.
Thank you all.
Would anyone else
like to share?
I'll go.
Hi, I'm Natasha and
I'm an alcoholic.
ALL:
Hi, Natasha.
I got to tell you guys,
since I started
taking sobriety seriously,
great things keep happening.
I got a job.
I got an apartment.
I got my daughter back.
And then last night,
I met this guy,
and I told him I'm a songwriter,
and guess what.
It turns out he's a big deal
in the music business
and wants to help me.
How unbelievable is that?
Entirely unbelievable.
Anyway, he says he's gonna
listen to my demo
and get right back to me.
She can't be this naive.
And if he likes it,
he's gonna fly me down to L.A.
for the weekend
to lay down some tracks.
Something's gonna get laid
down, but it ain't tracks.
I get it.
You're skeptical.
Without Internet,
it's like
I'm much more aware
of the people around me
and I must say,
I don't like it.
On behalf of the people around
you, right back at you.
I'm worried about Jill.
Has anyone heard from her?
I texted her to see if she was
going to the meeting today,
but she said she was busy.
She blew me off, too.
Well, that doesn't
prove anything.
Ever since Emily moved back
with Natasha,
Jill hasn't been herself.
Are you referring to the
800 pounds she's packed on?
Don't be mean.
It's not mean when I
say it behind her back.
Wendy, would you rather
I say horrible things
to you or behind your back?
I'd rather you didn't
say anything.
Come on. Pick one, stupid.
Behind my back.
MARJORIE:
Ladies.
A friend of ours is
in a tough situation
and we have to be patient,
caring and supportive.
Oh, dear Lord.
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis
has entered the building.
Hey, hey.
(laughs)
What do you think?
(all groaning nervously)
Very striking.
Thank you.
Is this why you couldn't
make the meeting?
Yeah, but it's okay.
All the stuff I would've said
in the meeting,
I said to my stylist.
It's not the same thing.
Tell me about it.
Weird to talk about yourself
and no one claps
when you're done.
Jill, you need to keep
going to meetings.
I know, but I thought
since I got sober,
my life's supposed
to get bigger and bigger.
Don't.
(sighs)
You know, I can't
remember the last time
I read something
printed on paper.
It's weird, right?
Yeah.
I keep trying to make it bigger,
but nothing happens.
Well, I'm enjoying
being unplugged.
No more friends on Facebook
rubbing my nose in
their fancy vacations.
Oh, I know.
Then you think about
driving to their house,
breaking in and
stealing all their stuff.
No?
No.
Ooh, be right back.
Holy crap.
She's the one who stole my iPod
when I went to Reno.
Oh, hey there,
Beverly.
No chitchat till my hall
light stops flickering.
Consider it done.
Hey, while I got you, I need
to update tenant information
for the building owners.
What do you need?
Oh, the usual, you know.
Your mother's maiden name,
street you grew up on,
name of your first pet,
stuff like that.
Why would they need that?
Why do they need first
and last month's rent?
It's all nonsense to me.
I get it.
You're trying to crack
my Wi-Fi password.
(laughing)
Beverly, you were probably
the funniest kid
in your elementary school,
which was...?
Fine. You want to
play this game?
My mother's maiden
name is Bautista;
I grew up on Front Street,
and my cat was named Rascal.
You still won't
figure it out.
Oh, come on.
Beverly, you're acting crazy.
(under breath): Bautista, Front,
Rascal, Bautista, Front, Rascal.
"In closing, as the neglected
child of a transgender woman,
"I think I can bring
a unique perspective
to the University of Idaho."
Ah, that ought to put me
on top of the pile.
(knock on door)
Hey, you got a minute?
Not really, but we both know
you're coming in anyway.
Okay. So, the guy I met,
his name is Teddy Blumenthal,
but everybody calls him Dr. Ted
'cause he's a big deal
in the music business
and he played a doctor
on a soap opera once.
Anyway,
he really liked my demo and
he wants to fly me down to L.A.
Stop.
What?
Sit.
Natasha, I'm
the last person
who wants to crush
anybody's dreams,
but this "Dr. Ted" isn't
who you think he is.
Most likely he just
wants to sleep with you.
No, no, I specifically asked him
about that.
He said he didn't.
Yeah, they say that.
Next thing you know,
he's got his hand
down your pants
in the bathroom
at a Chili's.
Why is it so hard for you
to believe that
I'm a good songwriter
and this guy
just wants to help me?
Because men don't
just help women.
Have you never
watched Dateline?
I should've known
you were gonna be like this.
You don't want anybody to
succeed 'cause your life sucks.
Hey.
I am one step away from
getting into law school
at the University of
the Yucatán Peninsula.
And if you didn't want
my honest opinion,
why'd you come over here?
'Cause I'm terrified and I
thought my friend and sponsor
might give me
a little support.
And I need to borrow
a roller bag.
Yeah, well, I don't
have a roller bag.
Of course you don't 'cause
you ain't going nowhere.
Oh, God.
Why am I tormented
by these giant women?
Hey, what are
we watching?
Dancing with the Stars.
Oh, good.
Wish they could open
their curtains a little more.
Who is that dancing?
I think it's
Greta Van Susteren.
Maybe Owen Wilson?
You think I'm being
too hard on Natasha?
Let me think
about it. Yes.
I didn't mean
to discourage her.
I just don't want her
to get hurt.
I get it.
But you got to remember,
pain and suffering is what
makes people interesting.
(cell phone chimes)
Well...
Oh.
Speaking of which...
What?
Jill is having a meltdown
at Neiman Marcus.
See? Everything about
that's interesting.
I'll get the keys.
Hey, what do you know?
It wasn't Greta or Owen.
It was the kid from Hanson.
Oh, hi.
Uh, we're looking
for our friend, Jill Kendall.
She shops here a lot.
A lot of women shop here a lot.
Big girl,
might be weeping.
Room four.
Jill, you in there?
JILL:
Yeah.
Can we come in?
Okay.
(crying)
What's going on?
I've been shopping here
for 20 years,
and now nothing fits.
Well, maybe you just need
a bigger size.
There are no bigger sizes.
Even the socks
are a little snug.
(crying)
Jill, there are other stores
we could take you to.
Yeah, how about Target?
Target?
Why do you hate me?
We don't hate you,
we love you.
If you loved me,
you would've said something
before I turned into... this.
We assumed you knew.
Yeah, and we thought
you were okay with it.
You were always bragging about
how you were picking up
all these guys.
I lied.
The only men in my life were
Little Caesar and Papa John.
(knock on door)
SALESWOMAN: Ladies,
everything okay in there?
Can I get you
some champagne?
We can't have any champagne
because we love our sobriety
and our lives are
finally on track!
Jill, honey,
the program isn't just about
meetings and bad coffee.
You also have to
do the work.
You know, you
have to dig down,
try to discover the reasons
you do what you do.
I know.
I just don't want to.
You guys know she's got
a soft serve machine back there?
Nothing like soft serve
to make you happy.
Mom, please, not the time.
Sorry. Want a lick?
A quick one.
Jill, you've got
a hole inside.
You've had it
your entire life.
You tried to fill it with
drugs and alcohol, sex...
And an ice cream machine.
What? It had to
have played a role.
But there's nothing
that you can buy or
eat or sleep with
that's gonna fix
the real problem.
Well, all I know is
I got to do something different
because what I've been doing
sure ain't working.
That's a good start.
I think I'm gonna get me
one of those.
The middle handle
makes it a swirly.
I worked
at a Dairy Queen.
Odd thing to be smug about.
Hey.
Hey.
I brought you
an apology pizza.
My mom took a slice
when I wasn't looking,
so I guess
two apologies.
Come on in.
So, how'd it go in L.A.?
The truth?
Bring it.
It was fantastic!
You were so wrong.
Really?
Completely, totally,
embarrassingly wrong.
Here, look, Dr. Ted
sold one of my songs.
This is an advance.
He told me my
prognosis was famous.
This is just
for one song?
And you weren't
at any point naked?
Ooh, that's another thing
you were wrong about.
Dr. Ted, super gay.
Like, "lots of young guys
around his pool" gay.
You sure he wasn't just
pretending to be gay
so he could
get you into bed?
Oh, that doesn't
work on me anymore.
So it all worked out?
It did, and Emily
loved it there.
I mean, she got an epic sunburn
and looks like a Jolly Rancher,
but she's excited about moving.
Wait, you're moving?
Yeah, we're gonna
give L.A. a try.
Uh, Natasha, that...
that's wonderful.
Your dreams are
really coming true.
Well, isn't that why
you have dreams?
(sighs)
Damn it.
What?
Thanks to you,
I have to apply to Stanford.
Stanford?
That's a really hard school
to get into, isn't it?
What are you saying?
Well, I just don't want
your feelings to get hurt
if they don't--
Oh, my God, I get it!
That's what you
were doing to me.
You only seem like a bitch
'cause you love me.
Yeah, well, that's all
I was trying to...
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
My creative juices are flowing.
* You only seem like
a bitch 'cause you love me *
* You only seem like
a bitch 'cause you care *
* You only seem like
a bitch 'cause you love me *
* With your big eyes and
your stringy blonde hair. *
Don't worry, that's
not about you.
Ooh, I got to
write that down.
(laughing)
She gonna join us
at some point?
Not as long as
the Wi-Fi here works.
Give her a Ziploc full of
Cheerios and a juice box,
she's a happy
three-year-old.
Damn it.
What?
Jill's Skyping during
my Game of Thrones binge.
You're laughing out loud
at Game of Thrones?
Yeah, reminds me of high school.
Oh, good, you're all there.
Where are you?
I'm in a limousine just outside
of Tucson, Arizona.
Oh, I love Arizona. They sell
fireworks in grocery stores.
So, the other night,
after y'all left,
I did something
Marjorie told me to do.
I sat quietly and I tried
to meditate.
Next thing I knew,
I was sobbing.
I'm talking
uncontrollable sobbing.
I don't know if that's
a normal part of meditating,
but it caught me by surprise.
Why didn't you
call one of us?
Oh, 'cause it was a good thing.
Feel like I cried over all the
stuff I've done to hurt myself.
All the drinking,
all the men, all the drugs.
Now it's food.
All 'cause I don't want
to face my feelings.
(distorted):
It's time for me to do...
No, no, no.
Don't freeze. Don't freeze.
What are you doing?
It's not an Etch A Sketch.
That's what I'm gonna do.
What do you think?
Terrific.
Great!
Proud of you.
So, I'm hoping
while I'm at the spa,
I can fix that hole in myself.
They do classes
on mindfulness and stuff
to open up your chakras.
It's real spiritual.
On the last day,
you get to talk to a horse.
Anyway, the next time
you see me,
(distorted):
I'm gonna be...
You'll be what?
A redhead? A juggler?
Married to the horse?
Maybe just smile and wave.
Bye, Jill.
Bring back
some Roman candles.
Sounds like she'll
be gone a while.
Well, I'm glad she's
taking care of herself.
Yeah.
Hey, you remember
the security code for her house?
I do.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Soft serve and a dip
in the pool?
Check, please.
Oh, God, Jill's not here.
Who's gonna pay?
Impressive.
How'd you do that?
I hate to admit it, but Wendy
showed me some tricks.
You look sad.
I kind of am.
See? You're in pain,
and now I'm interested.
What's going on?
I feel like applying to Stanford
was a huge mistake.
Why?
(sighs)
Now I'll be tortured for months
waiting to find out if I got in.
If I didn't, I'll be crushed.
And if I did, holy crap.
I'll have to go to Stanford.
Can... can we pause a second
and compare your life today
to where you were
five years ago?
Your biggest problem used to be
how to give a satisfying
lap dance to a fat guy.
And now, you know,
here you are worried
about getting into one of
the best schools in the country.
You're right.
Look at me with
my classy problems.
Whatever happens, I'm just
proud of you for applying.
Thanks, Mom.
(laughing)
What?
(laughing):
Nothing.
Just you going to Stanford.
It's funny.
Hey, why don't you apply
to Harvard while you're at it?
(mocking laughter)
Oh...
Oh, uh, hey, could I see that
for a second?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh!
Looks like a job for duct tape!