Mom (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - Night Swimmin' and an English Muffin - full transcript

So anyway, I see him
every day in the cafeteria,

and I thought, screw it, I'm
just gonna give him my number.

(sighs heavily)

He seemed like a sweet guy.

I mean, he drives a Prius with
an "I'm With Her" bumper sticker.

But it's been a week, and
I haven't heard from him,

- and I'm starting to wonder...
- (grumbles)

Oh, for God's sake! What?!

Nothing. It's not important.

Then stop making that noise.

Yeah, Christy's got another guy who's



never gonna call and we're
trying to put a good face on it.

He might still call.

You bet he will.

(toilet flushing)

(grumbles)

Bonnie, why don't you just
tell us what's buggin' you?

- You really want to know?
- I really want you to stop going...

(grumbles)

We come to this restaurant a
minimum of three times a week...

good times, bad times,
economy up, economy down,

and we always get a booth.
And look where they put us:

at a table downwind from the bathroom.

Are you kidding?

You interrupted my story
'cause we're at a table?



What story?

About the cafeteria guy
Christy's got no shot with.

(grumbles)

(phone chimes)

(gasps) Oh, my God. I don't believe it.

Hostess movin' us to a booth?

Adam misses me and
wants to get together.

Oh, that's great.

- Oh, I'm so happy for you.
- Congratulations.

You know, I could
call the cafeteria guy.

I'm proud of you, Bonnie. You set
boundaries with this young man,

you were patient, and look
at that, he's come around.

(Clicks mouth) Now you can slowly
rebuild a healthy relationship

based on trust and communication,

- work together towards a lov...
- She's gone, Marjorie.

What?

But that was some good stuff.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

I guess they're doing okay. I
haven't seen them since last night.

What do you think? They've
been banging each other silly.

They've only come out for food,
Gatorade and nail clippers.

Think about it, Marjorie. I had to.

BONNIE: Are you kidding me?! We finally
get back together and you do this?!

- Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise.
- ADAM: It's no big deal!

She said, "We finally get
back together and you do this?"

Then he said, "It's no big deal."

BONNIE: Lying next to me in bed

and texting with your
ex-wife is a very big deal!

She said, "Lying next to me in bed

and texting with your
ex-wife is a very big deal."

- BONNIE: Now what are you doing?!
- ADAM: What do you think I'm doin'?!

- I'm getting out of here!
- BONNIE: That's right, run! That's

- your answer for everything! Run!
- ADAM: Do you have any idea

- how offensive that is to me?
- (knocking on door)

(groans) Too many words to
repeat. I'll fill you in tomorrow.

BONNIE: ...not in the
last twenty minutes.

What is wrong with your mother?!

Don't get me started.

I live right above you. I can hear
everything... the sex, the fighting.

It's like living above
a New Orleans cathouse!

I'm sorry. I'll get 'em to quiet down.

And I'm sure the other
neighbors can hear, too.

MAN: We can!

Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

If you were younger,
I'd call Child Services.

BONNIE: No, please don't go! I love you.

ADAM: I love you, too,
but you make me crazy.

BONNIE: You want crazy?
How's this for crazy?

ADAM: Whoa!

At least she can't yell
with her mouth full.

Here, have a strawberry.
They're a natural aphrodisiac.

- Really?
- Nah,

I'm just trying to put a good spin
on it. They're about to go bad.

(both chuckle)

- Morning.
- Morning, honey. How'd you sleep?

In a fetal position with
five pillows over my head.

Were we making too much noise?

Seriously?

Three neighbors came by to complain.

Two of 'em thought we
were shooting a porno.

One of 'em thought we
were slaughtering a goat.

Ooh, I know what that noise was.

Hey, now we got a name for
it: "slaughtering the goat."

(laughs)

Sorry. Private joke.

No, it wasn't remotely private.

Probably wasn't even legal.

Sorry again.

For what it's worth, I'm glad
you guys are back together.

Hey, we're fine as long as numbnuts
here doesn't text his ex-wife again.

Oh, come on, let's not start this.

I told you, she texted me.

She needed help with the pilot
light on the water heater.

BONNIE: Fine, but you still
haven't said you're sorry.

ADAM: Because I'm not!

Oh, numbnuts.

BONNIE: Okay, so just
to be clear, I text a guy

who I was just friends with and
that's an unforgivable offense,

but it's okay for you
to text your ex-wife

right after you slaughtered my goat.

I'm running away and joining
the circus! Good-bye forever!

ADAM: Bonnie, if you must
know, I texted "I'm busy..."

What are you doing here?

I'm having my breakfast
and enjoying the show.

But last night, you were all...

(shushing)

(arguing continues)

That's a lot of fiber.

You know, we hear things down here, too.

Hi, I'm Jill. I'm an alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, Jill.

Okay, well, I got to be honest,

I made a commitment
to be a foster parent,

and now that it's getting
closer, I'm kind of scared.

I'm just not sure I got what
it takes to be a good mom.

I mean, I know how to take
a little girl shopping or...

how to take a little boy...

shopping.

But what if I get a child that
doesn't listen or misbehaves?

You know, a lot of these foster
kids have some serious issues.

What if I can't discipline them?

It's not like with my housekeeper,

where I can just threaten
her with deportation, right?

- (Jill continues talking)
- Unbelievable.

You know, you really shouldn't
text during the meeting.

Yeah, you really shouldn't have Ben
Franklin's haircut, but here we are.

That's who it is.

He's not officially divorced.

Can you believe that?
He never said a word.

Since when do you care
if a guy's divorced?

Since I fell in love with
this paraplegic dickweed.

- Okay, you're done.
- What are you doing?

- You'll get it back after the meeting.
- Give it to me.

- Wendy, catch.
- Give it.

- Marjorie, here.
- JILL: Hey!

You girls sit still and be quiet!

Huh, look at that.

I can be a mom.

Psst.

Psst.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(crying)

You are the least subtle person alive.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you?

Just spill it.

I was downstairs with Adam and...

You're going to the bathroom while
I'm pouring my heart out to you?

I don't pee through my ears.

Well, I don't think I
can trust him anymore.

- Why?
- I just found out he's

seeing his ex-wife tomorrow.

Well, at least he told you.

Oh, grow up. He didn't tell
me. I broke into his phone.

How'd you do that?
The FBI can't do that.

It's easy. You just have sex
with him till he falls asleep.

Then you press his thumb onto
the home button of his phone.

What if he wakes up?

You stick his thumb in
your mouth and start over.

(toilet flushes)

You don't wash your hands?

I didn't touch anything.

Anyway, he's seeing her tomorrow.

Why don't you ask him about it?

'Cause then he'll know I broke into
his phone and won't trust me anymore.

- He shouldn't.
- Yeah, but he doesn't know that.

Maybe this relationship
with Adam isn't good for you.

You guys only do two things together,
and both of them disturb the neighbors.

Well, Solitary Sue, some people
call that being in a relationship.

Okay, Bipolar Betty.

But you're not "some people."

You can't keep swinging from high to low

without something bad happening.

I'm worried you're gonna drink.

I want you to know I hear ya.

Good.

So what are you gonna do?

Well, I guess if I'm really
committed to this relationship,

I'm gonna have to hack into his e-mail.

Yeah. Sounds like you got this.

Thanks, baby. You always
bring me back down to Earth.

- Good night.
- Good night.

(door closes)

(sighs)

Oh, God, that's why I woke
up with my thumb in her mouth.

Here you go. Over easy,
just the way you like 'em.

Thanks. You were really
something last night.

Aw, I just do those things
to show how much I love you.

Really? Feels like you do
them just to put me to sleep.

I could have two reasons.

(chuckles)

So... (clears throat)

What you got going today?

Actually, I'm gonna see my ex-wife

- for lunch.
- Liar!

Wait. What?

Uh, um, she's coming over with my dog,

and we got some stuff to talk about.

Well, why didn't you tell me last night?

'Cause you were doing those
things, and I'm not stupid.

Okay, just so we're clear.

Your ex-wife, who you're
not really divorced from,

is coming over to
chat, and there's a dog.

Okay, first of all, we're not divorced

because she hasn't gotten
around to signing the papers,

and I told you about my dog.

- Yeah, yeah, Son of Sam.
- Samson.

Close enough. And that's another thing.

If it's your dog, how
come he lives with her?

Uh, because he's really
old, and it's hard for me

to take care of him in this thing.

That checks out.

But why the chitchat?

We have some investment property
that we co-own. Might be time to sell.

Wow, you just have
answers for everything.

Oh, just relax, Bonnie. After
last night, I couldn't cheat on you

if Angelina Jolie was buck naked
and lowered onto me by ropes.

Uh-huh. So with a little
rest and a pulley system,

you'd take a whack at Angelina Jolie?

Yes! And so would you!

Once again, you have
answers for everything!

Oh, my God, why do I love her?!

BEVERLY: We don't know!

So, as we speak, my
boyfriend and his semi ex-wife

are having a romantic
lunch in his apartment.

With his very old dog.

Aw, Adam has a dog? What kind?

I think it's a "Shut the
hell up, Wendy" doodle.

The point is, this broad's
plotting to get him back.

Ex-wives'll do that.

They'll get their boobs redone,
cook up a couple of steaks,

invite the guy over for
a little night swimmin'.

Or stuff of that nature.

Bonnie, if there's any
hope for you and Adam,

you got to learn to trust him.

Oh, I trust him. It's
her I'm worried about.

See right there, that's your problem.

Tryin' to control people, places and
things you can't do anything about.

What you need to do is write down a list

of all your fears, and
then just turn them over

- to your higher power, who's...
- Marjorie, she's gone again.

But again, dynamite stuff.

Can I help you?

Oh. Hi.

Are you Danielle Janikowski?

I am. And you are?

Bonnie Plunkett.

Oh, great.

Well, it appears he has a type.

Oh. Or you and I do.

Okay.

So, what brings you by?

An-and just so you know, I've
already pressed nine-one on my phone.

Relax. If I wanted to rough you
up, I would have waited inside.

You've got great taste
in furniture, by the way.

(chuckles) You broke in?

I had to tinkle.

And we need to talk.

- I have nothing to say to you.
- I just want to know if

- you're trying to get back with Adam.
- That is really none of your business.

So, yes.

- Okay, are we done?
- Oh, we're just getting started.

Actually, I only have one more question,

so, yeah, we're almost done.

- Why'd you two break up?
- Well, why don't you ask him?

Because I respect the boundaries
of people I care about.

- You just broke into my house.
- Yeah, I don't care about you.

Wow.

- You really love him, don't you?
- Of course I do.

Why else would I risk squeezing through
your doggy door with a full bladder?

It is possible that you're just insane.

It is. Keep that in mind.

So, what happened? He cheat on you?

- No.
- You cheat on him?

- What did he tell you?
- Not as much as you just did.

- Okay, now are we done?
- Almost.

Just to keep things on the up and up...

here's a dollar. While I was waiting,
I made myself an English muffin.

Oh, God help me, I like her.

- Hey, where you been?
- I went to see Adam's ex-wife.

I'm out.

Calm down. Nobody got hurt.

What happened?

She cheated on him.
That's why they broke up.

- Oh, God.
- Mm-hmm.

And I'm thinking that's why he
flipped out when that guy kissed me.

Makes sense.

She trying to get
back together with him?

Oh, yeah. Explains why she
hasn't signed the divorce papers.

But she'll watch her step.

She knows that I know where
she keeps her English muffins.

I'm sorry. What?

- (sighs)
- (phone chimes)

Hang on.

It's Adam.

"Come outside. Bring a bowl of water."

What does that mean?

What does "English muffins" mean?

And why did you have
my thumb in your mouth?

Oh.

I thought it was about time you two met.

Samson, this is the crazy
woman I was telling you about.

Hello, Samson.

Here you go.

Oh.

- He's so sweet.
- Yeah, he sure is.

We've been buddies for about 14 years.

Wow. So he's, like, 800 in dog years?

(laughs)

Something like that.

When I ended up in this chair,

he was the only one that
didn't look at me differently.

Breaks my heart that I
can't take care of him now.

I get it.

We were about to go on a very slow walk.

Maybe you'd like to come?

I'd be honored.

Ah, hang on, let him finish.

(sighs)

You know, I used to
drink vodka like that.

- That fast?
- No, lying on the floor out of a bowl.

- Hmm.
- All right, I'm cutting you off.

(chuckles) Yeah, come on, boy.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, by the way, next time you think

of surprising my ex-wife, keep in mind

that she was a small-arms
instructor in the Army.

- Ha-ha, very funny.
- Not a joke.

She can shoot a cigarette
out of your mouth

- at 50 feet.
- Really?

That's how she got me to quit smokin'.

When you said slow walk,
you weren't kiddin'.

Yeah, the leash is really
a formality at this point.

So, how'd you guys meet?

Actually, I found him in a
box on the side of the road.

He was just a puppy.

Aw, so you rescued him?

Mm, he kind of rescued me.

Okay, I think we're done walkin'.

So, what do we do?

We hang out till he gets up.

Sounds good.

Ooh.

(chuckles)

I think he likes me.

I think he likes you, too.

You know, if you wanted to spend
a little more time with him,

he could stay with
me every now and then.

You sure about that? He's a lot of work.

He's got arthritis, he's
incontinent, he's half-deaf.

That's okay. I promised Christy
a dog about 30 years ago.

I hate to disappoint her.

So this has nothing to do with
keeping me away from Danielle?

Oh, please.

Who's your new mommy?

I'm your new mommy.

Can you hear me?