Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - My Little Pony and a Demerol Drip - full transcript

- Okay, my turn.
- ‭Mm.

1985.

Oh, wow, let's see: Bankruptcy, divorce,

massive amounts of cocaine.

Mm.

You?

Um, My Little Pony,

training wheels,

and massive amounts of Cap'n Crunch.

I love this game.

Really?



I hate it.

Too bad. Your turn.

Okay, '96.

Oh, yeah, I don't want to play anymore.

No, no, no, no, let's hear it.

Okay.

Might end this dinner real quick, but 1996.

Stripper, alcoholic,

and got evicted from a tent.

I knew there was something
about you I liked.

Oh, that's what did it?

Mm, I like that you
went from that, to this.

Really?

Christy, you're an amazing woman.



Thank you.

I think you're an amazing man.

Thank you.

Another Cabernet and iced tea?

Oh, I'm-I'm fine.

We're good.

I'm pretty sure he
thinks I'm your daughter.

Let's find out.

(Dishes crashing)

Yup.

♪ ♪

(TV playing)

The 'gator's right there.

Get him! Get him!

- (Gunshot)
- Yes!

Now you're a pair of shoes and 300 belts,

you mean son of a bitch.

Hey... ooh!

How you doin' there, Colonel?

What?

Oh, I didn't think you were coming back.

So this is your big night, huh?

Bleaching your mustache,
eating a tub of chicken,

and watching Swamp People.

I'm a simple woman with simple needs.

What are you doing here? Why
aren't you banging the old guy?

It's called being a lady.

(Blows raspberries)

It was your third date.

You need to close the deal
while he's still competent enough

to write his family out of the will.

That's awful.

No, no, chicken's for closers.

Stop it!

Didn't you just have dinner?

(Sighs) Oh, it was date-eating.

I'm starving.

You know what that tells me.

That tells me old Freddy's doable.

He's completely doable.

It's just a weird situation.

Why? 'Cause he's the father of the woman

who's about to marry your ex-husband?

They do that every week on Swamp People.

I was trying to rise above that.

The man owns five car dealerships.

Cut the lady crap and consummate.

You know, most mothers would
say wait till you fall in love.

Oh, please, most mothers are chumps.

♪ ♪

(Knocking on door)

Oh...

This can't be good.

Who's there?

It's Candace.

Go for the knees.

I hate you.

What are you doing here?

It's 2:00 in the morning.

(Slurring): What are you doing...

With my Daddy?

Please tell me you didn't
drive here like this.

Ugh, I Uber'ed.

Wait a minute, I gotta give him a rating.

Five stars.

You get no stars.

Come inside.

No stars!

Sit down.

You want to make her some coffee?

You want to keep her awake?

I think we should hit her
over the head with the bat.

Candace, listen to me.

I'm not dating your father to hurt you.

I really like him.

(Chuckles) You think you're
so special, don't you?

But you don't know.

He goes through women just like...

Like...

Kleenex?

No.

Underwear?

No.

Potato chips?

No!

(Snaps fingers) Kleenex!

I said Kleenex!

You're gonna go out with
him for a couple weeks.

Get some fancy dinners, have some presents,

and then he's just gonna
be on to the next girl.

So, why are you so upset about this?

'Cause it's you.

It's just, like, you're
getting all the attention

from him that I never got.

Candace, you are worrying for nothing.

Really?

Yeah.

I promise you I'll make
sure your Daddy showers you

with... love and attention

right after I become your new Mommy.

(Crying)

I didn't need a bat.

♪ ♪

(Knocking on door)

Relax.

I got it.

Where is she?

Your princess awaits.

Thanks for letting her sleep it off.

I didn't let her do anything.

She called me a whore,
threw up and passed out.

Sorry, she's just real
upset about you and her Dad.

Yeah, I got that from the whore thing.

Hey, Baxter, welcome to
the rest of your life.

Christy,

I'm gonna take one last shot at this.

Please stop seeing Fred.

No.

I like him, and I really
think this could be something.

Oh, man, you slept with him already.

No!

I mean, uh, none of your business.

But no.

You buying this?

Sadly, yes.

Turns out without vodka
and cocaine, she's a Mormon.

Well, I'm glad we met when we did.

Baxter.

What did you do to her?

Hey, Bonnie wanted to
shave off her eyebrows.

♪ ♪

What an incredible view.

I agree.

Okay, I gotta tell you, that works.

It shouldn't.

It's really corny, but it totally works.

How about this?

That works, too.

Um, can you excuse me for a minute?

I need to go freshen up.

Right down the hall.

I'll be right back.

- Hey, Fred?
- Yeah?

I'm really not going to the bathroom.

I'm gonna call my sponsor in AA

and ask her if I should sleep with you.

I'd be happy to supply
a list of references.

That's okay.

Fingers crossed.

Marjorie?

It's-it's me, Christy.

Oh, hey, Christy. What's going on?

I need some advice.

Please do not tell my mother I called you.

I will not.

What's up?

I'm on a date with Fred,
and I think this is the night

where we, you know...

I get it, you're calling
me from the bathroom.

Tell her to close the deal.

(Shushing)

I'm just not sure

if I'm doing it for the right reason.

I mean, part of me wants to punish Candace,

but another part of me
really likes this guy.

Well, what works for me when I'm in doubt

is to just do nothing...

...until I'm absolutely sure.

I swear, I will kill you, old woman.

I'm so glad I called you.

You always get me right back on track.

You're welcome, sweetie.

Let's talk tomorrow.

Do you not see the big picture here?

What, that you're
pimping out your daughter?

Ah, so you do see it.

Okay,

not tonight.

Definitely not tonight.

♪ ♪

(Heavy breathing)

Is it appropriate for me to
send your sponsor a gift basket?

That's nice.

She'd like that.

♪ ♪

I know I usually sit here and
complain about my life.

(Murmuring agreement)

Not today.

Today my life couldn't be better.

(Whispering): What's going on?

She got laid.

I met the most wonderful guy.

A normal guy, a gentleman.

Good looking.

Got a great job.

Mature.

(Whispering): That means old.

Yeah, we've got a couple
of issues to work out,

but the truth is those
are other people's issues

and I just have to be careful
to not make them my own.

In the meantime,

I'm trying to live in the moment,

not get ahead of myself,

keep coming to meetings,
check in with my sponsor...

Did you get Fred's muffin basket?

And the marmalade.

Tell him I said thanks.

Anyway,

more will be revealed,
and we'll see what happens.

Thanks.

Hi, I'm Bonnie. I'm an alcoholic.

Others: Hi, Bonnie.

I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna ride this pony

right into the winner's circle.

♪ ♪

Isn't this nice?

All of us spending a beautiful
Sunday afternoon together?

Like a big ol' happy family. Mm-hmm.

Are you feeling okay there, Candace?

I feel fine.

You should tell your face.

I'm gonna go check on
Roscoe's tennis lesson.

Don't you move.

So, Fred, Christy tells me

you've been married twice before.

That is true.

So, you're probably bitter and disenchanted

with the whole idea.

No, no, not at all.

You know,

if at first you don't succeed...

Try, try again.

Sure. Mmm-hmm.

Stop kicking me.

I'd like to propose a toast

to the best girl I know.

Fred: Christy,

you're the most remarkable
woman I have ever met.

You came into this world
with nothing and still managed

to turn your life around.

Well, I-I wouldn't say nothing.

I was there. It was less than nothing.

She's an American hero.

To Christy.

Hear, hear.

Hey...

I'd like to propose a
toast to another great lady.

Candace,

you are no slouch.

That's it?

Let me finish.

Uh...

You are also a real go-getter.

Yeah, go get her Daddy's credit card.

(Laughing)

Daddy!

Mm... Lighten up, Snickerdoodle.

I call her that because when she was a kid,

the only way I could get her to smile

was to give her a cookie.

(Laughter)

Well, there it is,

that same stink eye her
mother always gave me.

(Nervous laugh)

Anybody got a cookie?

(Bonnie laughs)

"Anybody got a cookie?"

(Bonnie laughing)

Yeah, well, at least Bonnie gets it.

Bonnie totally gets it, Fred.

Why don't we change the subject?

All right, anything you want, sweetheart.

Do you want a cookie, 'cause
there's a whole tray over...

♪ ♪

You know what I like best
about country club life?

Signing for things.

Those people are so rich
they don't use money anymore.

I'm glad you had a good time.

I'm starting to feel like I belong there.

Like after a horrible
mix-up at the hospital,

I was finally returned to my real people.

Is that a crab leg?

Yeah, don't worry, I signed for it.

I know what you liked best.

When Freddy gave his daughter a
colonoscopy right at the table.

He was rough on her, wasn't he?

Rough?

That was a dry scope
minus the Demerol drip.

I actually felt kind of bad for her.

For Candace?

The woman has never missed an opportunity

to make you feel like garbage.

I know, I just...

I don't like to see a father
talk to his daughter like that.

Really? I loved it!

He took the stick out of her ass

and smacked her right
over the head with it.

Did you ever consider that
maybe she's the way she is

because of how he treats her?

Wait.

What's happening here?

You're screwing with me, right?

I'm just not sure I can be with someone

who has so little regard
for his own children.

What's wrong with you?

This guy is crazy about you

and doesn't like his own daughter.

Yeah, so?

So, you give him a kid

he's even vaguely fond of,
the days of paying off

our credit cards with credit cards is over.

Mom, my uterus is not your 401k.

It could be if Fred makes a deposit.

♪ ♪

Should we take this into the bedroom?

Um, yeah.

But we-we need to talk
about something first.

Oh, you don't have to be married twice

to know that's never good news.

It's not bad, it's just,
it's about your daughter.

What about her?

I think...

you... hurt her feelings the other day.

When?

At brunch.

At the country club.

You were really mean to her.

Oh, that's just how we are.

She's fine.

No, Fred, she's not.

What? I don't understand.

I thought you didn't like her.

I don't...

But you should.

Well, of course, I like her.

I love her.

I mean, my God, I've given her everything

she's ever asked for:

Horses, ski trips,

tennis lessons, a semester abroad,

which should really just be called

"How to Get Laid in Italy."

And after all that,

all she does is walk through life

turning up her nose at other people.

A nose I paid for, by the way.

Yeah, but still...

Christy, she's my kid.

The way I treat her...

It's none of your business.

I-i was just trying to...

help you get along with your daughter.

Yeah, well, thanks, but...

I don't think you're in any position

to be giving me parenting advice.

Okay.

You know what,

I think I'm just gonna call it a night.

Really?

Do I have to give you a cookie now?

You know something, Fred,

you may be handsome,

charming, and successful...

...but you're also kind of a dick.

A dick?

I'd say it in Italian but

I never had a semester abroad.

♪ ♪

Well, I am back to complaining.

Told ya.

As a result of being
sober, I have somehow become

compassionate and caring
towards other people.

And, quite frankly, it's ruining my life.

(Crying)

You know, back when I
was drinking and drugging,

I could put up with a lot of crap from guys

because I was just as bad as they were.

But now I have zero tolerance for jerks.

Which means I now have self-esteem.

Which means I'm going to die alone.

Anyway,

glad to be sober.

Thanks.

Anybody else want to share?

Yes.

Bonnie. Alcoholic.

Others: Hi, Bonnie.

I'm sorry I'm so emotional, I just, uh...

I miss my people.

Mom, we're your people.

(sobs) Stop saying that.

♪ ♪

(Knocking on door)

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Mom.

Ah! Did you have a fun time
with your Dad and Candace?

Yeah.

Christy, can I talk to you for a sec?

Um, sure.

Here, take these aspirin
up to your grandma.

She's had a blinding headache for days.

So, what's up?

Well, I just wanted to
say that I heard about

the breakup with my Dad and I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, you know,
that's how it goes sometimes.

Mm, I did try to warn you
that he gets bored with women

very easily, so...

Actually, Candace, I broke up with him.

Sure you did.

The lonely waitress dumped
the handsome millionaire.

Come here.

I know why you're a bitch.