Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Mozzarella Sticks and a Gay Piano Bar - full transcript

Previously on Mom...

We're gonna grab coffee with

some girls from the meeting.
Do you want to come with us?

Your parents know you're
trying to get sober?

My parents don't know I'm alive.

So, uh, where are you living?

- There's a guy.
- All: Mm.

What's he do?

He's a drug dealer.

All: Oh.

And a guitar player.



All: Ah.

If you're hungry, the kitchen's
there and the bathroom's there.

Make yourself at home.

Yeah, thanks again.

Okay. Sweet dreams.

Christy.

Don't you have work to do?

Hmm?

On your computer, upstairs?

Oh, yes.

I, uh, I go to college, so I
have a paper to write.

And print.

Yes, and print.

Can't turn it in unless you print it.



Um... I am, uh, not in college,

so, uh, I like to

watch TV.

Okay. Sweet dreams.

Good night.

Uh, Christy?

Yeah?

Aren't you afraid I'm
gonna steal your purse?

Oh... don't be silly.

Just, uh, just put it in my mouth.

- Our little dope fiend up yet?
- She's gone.

I went back to my boyfriend and

I told him I wanted to get clean, and

it didn't work out so good.

I don't know what I'm
gonna do now, you know?

I just... I just know, whatever it is...

I can't do it by myself.

You don't have to.

Really appreciate you picking me up.

When do you plan on getting your car fixed?

When I have a spare $1,200.

Well, that's never gonna happen.

Bonnie Plunkett. When the hell
you gonna look at my heater?

(Deep voice): Lo siento. No hablo inglés.

I'm blind, I'm not an idiot.

Fix the damn heater.

I'll get to it, Mr. Munson.

I can hear you giving me the finger.

Oh, look... our little
meth head is still asleep.

I just hope she got up to pee.

I'm all for helping her get sober,

but if she had a little
of that meth get-up-and-go,

she'd probably clean up the house.

What time is it?

4:00.

In the year 2038.

We are robots.

What?

Jodi, sweetie, you're welcome
to stay with us

until you get on your feet, but could you

get on your feet once in awhile?

Yeah,

maybe it's time to get a job.

You'll feel a lot better about yourself

once you start earning some money.

Hey, if you need me to
help out with groceries,

I'm sure I can hit up
my sister for some money.

The sister who won't talk to
you because you stole from her?

Yeah, that's a great plan.

I feel like you're being sarcastic.

What do you think... meth
brain or teenage brain?

What's the difference?

Why don't we hold off
on contacting your sister

and, uh, let's start thinking about

what you could do for work.

Uh, well, I know what I want to do.

Fantastic, that's the
first step. What is it?

Get famous on YouTube.

Go back to sleep.

I'm sorry about your heater Mr. Munson,

but I haven't seen my mom. (Clears throat)

I don't... I don't know
what to tell you, sir.

Um, she's unbelievably

unreliable and dishonest.

I'd like to chalk it up
to her rough childhood,

but the truth is she's
just a horrible person.

Okay, I'll remind her to get up there,

uh, soon as I see her.

Okay, see you later.

I mean, I'll see you, you won't...

Okay. Bye.

You just earned yourself
a car ride tomorrow.

What's the big deal?

Why don't you fix the guy's heater?

'Cause he's a noodge.
I don't want to reward

that kind of behavior.

(Door closes)

Hey, how'd the job search go?

Waste of time.

Baskin Robbins can suck it.

Apparently 31 flavors
doesn't want 28 tattoos.

I've spent the last three weeks
filling out job applications

for every stupid loser
business in this town.

I hope you're bringing
that sunny disposition

to the job interviews.

Sure, help yourself.

I mean, let's face it,
I'm never gonna a get job.

I've got no skills, no education.

All I'm good for is selling my blood.

Well, there's no money in that.

What you want to do is sell your eggs.

How do I do that?

You don't. What is wrong with you?

You may have some half
brothers and sisters out there.

We'll talk later.

Look, we had no skills or education either.

Yeah, we weren't always
the put-together people

you now see before you.

Those are for everyone.

But we stayed sober,

we didn't give up, and eventually

we found employers who believed our lies.

Wait, I can lie on these job applications?

You haven't been?

You kept talking about how staying sober

means being totally honest.

Not when it comes to getting
some crappy minimum-wage job.

Listen, Jodi, the owner of this building

thinks I was a jet engine mechanic

for the Royal Canadian Air Force.

I was not.

Yeah, she can't even fix
a blind man's heater.

Not can't, won't.

The point is, you learn how
to do a job by doing the job.

Exactly. Fake it till you make it.

Okay, so when they ask
me what I've been up to,

I should say, um...

After I quit high school...

After you graduated high school.

After I graduated high
school, I joined a rock band...

The Peace Corps.

The Peace Corps, and...

What do they do?

You helped bring clean water
to poor people in Africa.

Which is where you got your
love for serving coffee.

Or putting hot dogs on a stick.

Or getting famous on YouTube.

Okay, let's start over.

Does anyone know a good mechanic

who fixes cars just for the love of it?

What's wrong with your car this time?

I think it just hates me.

It doesn't even tell me to
put my seat belt on anymore.

Ooh, that reminds me, do any
of you have a good piano tuner?

(Fancy accent): Christy,
who does our Steinway?

You could've just said no.

You could've looked around
at who you're talking to.

Hey, rich people's problems

are just as valid as
poor people's problems.

What do you say we kill her,
eat her and steal her car?

Hey, sorry I'm late.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Okay, now guess why I'm late.

You wanted to keep your streak alive?

No, I got a job.

I'm a barista.

- Oh, that's fantastic.
- Way to go.

- Fantastic.
- That's great.

Oh, and I got to tell
you, the advice you gave me

about lying on the application was dead on.

What's this now?

Oh, don't worry, we got it.

She sleeps on our couch,
she plays by our rules.

When do you start?

Tomorrow. I get a uniform and
a name tag, and I get to drink

all the coffee I want, as
long as I use the same cup.

Oh Jodi, I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, a toast, to becoming a
productive, tax-paying citizen.

Oh, Bonnie said I didn't have to pay taxes.

Shh!

Mom, angry blind man, nine o'clock.

Oh, dear God!

What are you doing? He can't see you.

Then what's he looking at?

All right, that's it, we got
to find a new place to live.

Or you could fix his heater.

So when exactly did you
start selling your eggs?

The day they started paying for them.

Oh, God, mom.

Just a heads-up, don't have sex
with any guys who look like me.

Not a problem.

- (Door closes)
- Jodi: Hey,

check it out...
After two weeks

of writing people's names
on coffee cups, I got paid.

- Hey, way to go.
- Congratulations.

Do you realize that this is the first time

I've made money that I
can't get arrested for?

That's great, Jodi.

Remember your first honest buck?

Yeah, it was the eggs.

Okay, you know what you're
gonna do with this money?

Yeah... purple hair extensions.

No. You're gonna take $100 out of here

and send it to your sister.

What? No, this is my money, I earned it.

And your sister earned the
money you stole from her.

Okay, but wouldn't me giving her this money

just be me trying to buy her love?

Oh, she's good.

No, it would be you making
amends to your sister

a hundred bucks a week, every
week, until it's paid off.

Forget it, no way.

I think it's time we
started charging her rent.

Okay, okay, I'll do it.

That's better.

It's weird,

we're very good with kids
when we're not related to them.

We might be. I sold a lot of eggs.

I don't know, maybe this is a bad idea.

I haven't seen her in two
years, and we were always

very different people.

Relax. Your sister
wouldn't have invited you

to come live with her if she wasn't ready

to give you a second chance.

Or eighth or ninth chance.

You're right.

I can do this.

Just stay sober and help
her out around the house.

Maybe wash the dishes once in a while.

And don't take food off her plate.

Or money from her purse.

Got it.

Listen, I just wanted to
thank you for everything.

It's our pleasure.

Occasionally.

I don't know where I'd be without you guys.

I mean, you literally saved my life.

I love you.

We love you, too.

Oh, damn. (Sniffles)

I'm crying all over your fake purple hair.

Let's move this along.

(Sniffles)

Can I help you?

They really are different.

I'm looking for Theresa Hubbard.

She's in 5-G.
This is 4-G.

Oh. Sorry to bother you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh god, we're gonna have to
say good-bye all over again.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

She literally said that we
literally saved her life.

That's because we literally did.

- I feel so good right now.
- Me, too.

This is how Gandhi must
have felt when he did

whatever it was that he did.

I think it's safe to say
that helping Jodi makes up

for every bad thing I've ever done.

Yeah. So what if you made a blind man

go three months without heat?

- You saved a life.
- Damn right.

- I never want to lose this feeling.
- Neither do I.

I want more.

More is always better.

You know what we need?

- More?
- Yes.

And I know how to get it.

- We need to help another alcoholic.
- I like it.

Maybe we could find someone at a meeting.

Nah, if they're at a meeting,
they already want help.

I say we bag a drunk in the wild.

Oh, yeah. This was a good call.

Yeah. Sports bar on a Tuesday afternoon.

They ain't here for the mozzarella sticks.

So what are you thinkin'?

The big moose over there
in the hockey jersey?

I'm thinkin' we stick with the ladies.

It would be great if we could help somebody

and not get murdered.

Mm. Smart.

How 'bout the redhead
bobbing for beer nuts?

Oh, yeah, that's a train wreck.

Shall we save a life?

That's what angels do.

Set halos on stun.

Hi.

Hi!

Oh, you're a big one.

Hi.

You're a teeny-tiny one.

Mind if we join you?

Sure. We'll be small, medium, and large.

I'm medium.

Bonnie.

Christy.

It's a pleasure to meet
you, Bonnie and Christy.

I am Michelle, but you can call me...

Rodrigo.

All right.

Rough day?

Honestly can't remember.

More, please?

(Mouthing)

So, you having a little
trouble with your drinkin'?

Mm. Drinkin's goin' great.

I had a bit of a situation
in the ladies' room.

Shh.

I think we have a winner.

Sounds like you could use some help.

Yeah.

You have a mop?

Better.

We can change your life.

That is better than a mop.

And it's not just us.

There's more people out
there that want to help you.

Shut up!

Well, call 'em and tell 'em
to get their asses over here.

Or we could bring you to them.

If that's what you want.

I want it all, bitches.

Then let's hit it, Rodrigo.

All right!

- Whoa!
- Uh-oh.

You should probably drive.

Yeah.

♪ I see a little silhouette of a man ♪

♪ scaramouche, scaramouche,
can you do the fandango? ♪

♪ Thunderbolt and lightning ♪

♪ very, very frightening me... ♪

Where'd you find Freddie Mercury?

We pulled her out of a bar.

We're kind of like an alcoholic SWAT team.

♪ He's just a poor boy
from a poor family... ♪

I lost my virginity to this song.

Not the whole thing, just this part.

♪ Bismillah, no, we will not... ♪

Does she know where she is?

That's not the point.

The point is we rescued her
from the nightmare of alcoholism.

How do you know she's an alcoholic?

Oh, come on! Who would take
on a song that challenging

in a room full of strangers?

Queen in the afternoon? That's a drunk.

(Playing piano)

Here we are.

Let's get you to bed.

Oh, boy.

- So how's this gonna work?
- What do you mean?

I've never done the
girl-on-girl thing before.

Do we have to breed a bunch of dogs first

or do we just get right to it?

We're not gay.

Then how come we were
at a lesbian piano bar?

That was an AA meeting.

Oh!

So that's why no one was dancing.

So, anyway,

which one of you's gonna be the dude?

What are you lookin' at me for?

Nah. You're just gonna
sleep it off on the couch,

and then tomorrow we start working

on your new life in sobriety.

Oh, but I'm horny.

Stop lookin' at me!

I said no pickles!

What the...?

You know,

I'm thinkin' there's good
money in getting people sober.

Maybe we should start our own rehab.

I like it. Plunkett house.

"If you drunk it, come to Plunkett."

I'm writing that down,
'cause I know we'll forget it.

(Both shouting)

Michelle: Help! Call the police!

Mr. Munson: Yeah! Help! Police!

- I got you!
- Let go!

What's... Wh-what's going on?

Call the police. This woman attacked me.

You attacked me!

Attack you? I can't even see you!

Okay, everybody calm down.

Who are you?

It's me, Christy, remember?

- What the hell is goin' on?
- It's okay, Mr. Munson.

We're trying to help a fellow alcoholic.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Spoken like a true alcoholic.

You got time for this nonsense
and you can't fix my heater?

Who are you people?

Come inside. Everything's
gonna be just fine.

Call the police.

I'm being kidnapped.

Uh, not to worry. Have a nice night.

(Door shuts)

Crazy, presumably white women.

Michelle, listen to me,

you don't have to live
your life like this anymore.

We are here for you.

We recover together.

Welcome to Plunkett House.

What are you talking about?

I just had a bad day.

Aren't they all bad days?

No. I got passed over
for a promotion at work

and decided to get hammered.

So this isn't a regular thing with you?

Of course not.

Are you sure? Because in our experience

as addiction specialists,

denial of the disease is a real problem.

(Chuckles) Listen, dumbass...

This is maybe the second time
I've been drunk since college.

- How 'bout we give you a ride home?
- Really?

After the "dumbass" comment?

So we brought her home...

A lovely home.

And tried to explain the
situation to her husband...

A lovely husband.

Who confirmed she was not an alcoholic.

But he did accuse her

of having a long-term
affair with her boss.

Which explains why she was upset

about getting passed
over for the promotion.

She did put in the work.

Christy: (Clears throat) Anyway,

long story short, uh,

he filed for divorce

and she filed a restraining
order against us.

Oh, dear.

Yeah. I've had my share

of restraining orders,
but this one really stings.

I feel like such an idiot.

Oh, don't beat yourselves up over it.

Your hearts were in the right place.

Yeah, you were sincerely
trying to help this woman,

and that's what counts.

- You think?
- Absolutely.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Thank you, guys.

That makes me feel a lot better.

Me, too.

Oh, shall we? I've got to get to work.

Yeah. I've got a heater to fix.

All right. See you later.

- See ya.
- Bye, guys.

I think we really helped them out.

We did.

Feels good. (Chuckles)

Feels great.

Let's do it again.

Let's.

Having a bad day?