Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 20 - Pure Evil and a Free Piece of Cheesecake - full transcript

Christy learns she has made the Dean's List at school, but is disappointed by Bonnie's lackluster response, which leads to conflict.

Mom!

Bonnie: What?

Come here.

Why?

Just come down.

- Mom!
- (whispers): Hey.

(yells)

Ooh, you're so jumpy.

Come sit next to me.

- What's up?
- Hold my hand.

Okay. What's going on?



Don't talk, just hold.

You have really tiny hands.

Feel like I'm going
steady with a raccoon.

Shh!

Can you at least tell me
what we're looking at here?

My grades get posted at noon,

and I don't want to
look at them by myself.

Oh, so you think you blew it?

No! Why would you say that?

(spits three times)

Take it back!

(mimics spitting)

When did we become gypsies?

I just don't want to jinx it.



Well, that's not possible
now that you spit three times.

Can you please just
sit here and support me?

I honestly thought
that's what I was doing.

Okay, I'm just gonna be quiet.

Sorry, it was just
such a tough semester,

with work, and Roscoe, and Violet,

and... crazy stuff around here.

- Am I the crazy stuff?
- Yeah.

Also, I turned in a couple papers late.

I'm pretty sure I screwed up

my literature final on Metamorphosis.

- What's that?
- It's an awful book.

A guy wakes up one morning

and is turned into a giant cockroach.

But not like Spiderman who got
bit by a radioactive spider,

this guy just wakes up all cockroach-y.

So no super powers?

Nope.

He doesn't fight crime, no costume,

he's just a bug for no reason.

Can he make other
cockroaches do his bidding?

Doesn't even try.
He just complains.

So what was your paper about?

I wish I remember. I wrote it
when I had walking pneumonia

and was on all that medication.

Well, there you go.

If you flunk, you can blame it on drugs,

like when you were in junior high.

Excuse me, I did not
take drugs in junior high.

I just drank.

Mostly wine coolers.

And cough syrup.

Ooh, they're up, they're up.

Oh, my God.

Are we reading this right?

I got straight A's.

That's why I asked, "Are
we reading this right""

I got straight A's, Mom!

I got straight A's.

Wait, wait, wait, there's an asterisk.

What does that mean?

Were you using steroids?

Let me look.

I made the dean's list.

Oh, honey, did you sleep with the dean?

I didn't have to,

I'm smart!

Congratulations, sweetie.

The dean's list is a big deal.

(muffled): Thanks.

I always kind of suspected
I might be, you know,

gifted.

One of the best parts of staying sober

is learning what we're
really capable of.

You should come to one
of my Mensa meetings.

Wait, you're in Mensa?

What's Mensa?

It's a club for people with high IQ’s.

And you're in that?

Yes.

I said "Yes."

So, Christy, have you thought
about what's next for you?

Well, I guess transfer
to a four-year college,

and then, hopefully, law school.

That's wonderful.

I'm sure you'll get
straight A's there, too.

Marjorie, why are you
getting her expectations up?

It's one thing to get good
grades at a community college,

where it's basically everybody
gets an A for showing up

with pants on, zipper forward.

But real college is
different, am I right?

No.

An A is an A,

whether it's at Napa
Valley Tech or Harvard.

Yeah, but if you're
getting brain surgery,

which diploma do you want
to see on your doctor's wall?

My A's are A's.

Don't crap on my A's.

Nobody's crapping.

I'm just trying to inject
a little reality here.

Wendy, you're in Mensa, tell her.

Um...

we mostly do puzzles.

It doesn't matter.

Christy, you're a
totally different person

than the hot mess that
crawled into that meeting

three years ago, and
I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, Marjorie.

To Christy.

All: To Christy.

We should also be toasting Wendy

who managed to hide
her intelligence from us

for all these years.

All: To Wendy.

(sighs) You ready for lights out?

Let me just finish this
text to my daughter.

Oh, good. You two are talking again?

Yes, we're talking.

Sorry, last I heard
you were dead to her.

Yeah, well, I apologized
for something I didn't do,

and now we're good again.

She wants to go wedding
dress shopping tomorrow.

Wow, and she invited you to go with her?

That's right, I am buying the dress.

Oh, well, that explains
why she invited you.

No, she invited me because
our relationship is better now.

You know what? Let's just go to bed.

Fine.

(sighs heavily)

We're not done, are we?

We need to talk about something.

Oh, no, do you want a divorce?

This is serious.

Earlier with the girls,

all that stuff you were saying

about my grades not
being worth anything,

- it hurt my feelings.
- Oh, come on.

I was kidding.

Didn't feel like kidding.

Everybody there said they were
happy for me, proud of me,

even the waitress gave me
a free piece of cheesecake.

All you did was put me down.

For God's sakes, that
was just me kibitzing.

That's what I do, I kibitz.

You still never said
you were proud of me.

Yeah, I did.

No, you didn't.

- Fine. Christy...
- Nope, too late now.

What are you doing?

I can't sleep next to someone
who doesn't value me.

Since when?

See? Kibitz!

We're not done.

Oh, I think we are.

It was just a few jokes over coffee.

No, no, you purposely
diminished my achievements.

No, no, I was trying to get some laughs.

Those women count on me

to brighten up their drab little lives.

It's not just tonight.

You've always sold me short.

Well...

Don't you dare make a short joke.

Go away.

Fine, but just so we're clear,

you, right now walking
around breathing air,

that's all thanks to me.

That's your argument?

The fact that I'm walking and breathing

makes you mother of the year?

Hey, not matter how tough things were,

I always made sure
you never went without.

You always had a roof over your
head and dinner in your belly.

A panel truck is not a roof

and Red Vines are not dinner!

Wow, so ungrateful.

All right, you want to get current?

The only reason you were
able to go back to school

is because of me.

How do you figure that?

Whose gambling got us
evicted from the old place?

And whose quick thinking
got us this apartment?

Quick thinking?

You lied to the building owners

that you were a skilled handyman.

Yes, and one of my skills is lying.

And while you were waiting
tables or going to class,

who babysat for you free of charge?

Oh, Grandma, thank you.

Oh, I see, you're just
gonna spin everything.

I am a self-made woman.

My success has nothing to do with you.

Fine. Deal.

Then I also have nothing
to do with your failure.

All the arrests, the
drugs, the drinking,

that's all on you.

Those are not failures.

Those are obstacles that I overcame

to make my success all
the more compelling!

"Christy J. Plunkett,

"grade four.

Christy is eager to learn and
shows a great deal of promise."

"Grade five.

"Christy is a joy to have in class.

She is bright and inquisitive."

"Grade six.

"Christy is the best student
I've ever encountered.

She is going to do
amazing things one day."

You kept your report cards?

I also signed them whenever
you went off on a bender.

I never went off on a bender,

those were three-day weekends

where I tried to find you a father.

The point is, even as a little kid,

I showed potential.

And now that I'm living
up to that potential,

you're jealous.

I'm jealous of you?

That's right, you heard me.

Oh, honey, I don't think so.

I'm jealous of Serena Williams,

Michelle Obama,

that tall Arab chick
that bagged Clooney.

The more I hear you talk,

the more I realize what a miracle I am.

A miracle that was conceived
at a Foghat concert!

You stormed out before my rebuttal!

All right, rebut.

I got nothing, but I can't sleep,

so neither will you.

Oh, no you don't!

- Morning.
- Morning.

Listen...

last night, I said some
things that were pretty ugly.

Yeah?

I just want you to know

that I stand by all of them.

Cute.

But if you don't mind,
I'm not going to engage

on this level, because
that's just not who I am.

I love that you think you have levels.

See you later.

I'm taking my daughter out
shopping for a wedding dress.

You know, breaking the
cycle of maternal neglect.

See you there.

What do you mean?

Violet invited me.

What's the matter?

Bitch got your tongue?

Tell me this isn't perfect on you.

It is beautiful.

Oh, I'm crying already
thinking of you wearing this.

Listen, about the price,

Gregory's mom offered
to take care of it.

Hey, this is my little girl's wedding.

I am more than capable of buying

her a dress.

Not this one specifically,

but a very nice dress.

All right, why don't
we take a look over here

at the bride-on-a-budget rack.

A lot of attitude

from a middle-aged
broad working retail.

Sorry, I'm late.

Someone hid my keys

but forgot I can see on top of things.

I'm so glad you're here.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

What are we looking at?

Just trying to find
something reasonably priced.

Oh, Christy,

your only daughter's wedding

is not the time to go cheap.

You're right, I should
spend the same amount on her

that you spent on me.

Oh, wait, that was nothing.

Because I knew the
marriage wouldn't last.

I don't think her
marriage is gonna last,

but that doesn't stop me.

What?

Not important, honey, just
trying to hurt Grandma.

You know what,

let's try on the expensive one.

Mom, you don't have to.

No, but I want to because
that's what good mothers do.

But the price...

Forget the price,

try it on.

- Oh, my God.
- Right this way.

Okay, okay.

Thanks a lot.

Now I'm on the hook for
a dress I can't afford.

Oh, don't worry about it,

you're gifted, you'll figure it out.

Don't you dare ruin this
special day with my daughter.

Oh, I think this special
day will be ruined

when your credit card gets declined.

That's it, get out.

"Get out"?

You heard me,

turn into a bat and fly away!

Make me.

I didn't think so.

(bellowing)

Get off of me!

What is wrong with you?!

You're what's wrong with me!

All right, that's it!

Who's got raccoon hands now?

I swear to God, I will helicopter you

out of this building!

I am not letting go!

Then I am taking you down!

That's all you've

ever done!

(grunting)

Here comes the bride.

Mom! Grandma!

Oh, honey, you look beautiful!

(straining): Really pretty!

Okay, the meeting is
now open for sharing.

Who'd like to start?

So glad I came tonight.

- Christy.
- Ha!

Hi, my name is Christy,
I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Christy.

Boo.

I'm just gonna cut straight to it,

we're all a little broken
here, but this one...

... this is pure evil.

Ooh, here we go.

What else do you call
someone who is so threatened

by her own child's success that
she has to crap all over it?

Oh, please.

Wait your turn, evil!

I think that name might stick.

Well, you know what?

It won't work on me
because I am a sober, sane

and emotionally well-balanced
woman who is on her way

to do great things!

What are you looking at?!

Thank you.

Okay, who'd like...

Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.

- All: Hi, Bonn...
- Save it!

I would just like to say that

evil comes in many shapes

and sizes, including pixie.

You all know me,

you know that I mean well,

that I always come from love.

(all laughing)

Oh, well, I wasn't going
for a joke, but okay.

My point is, I love my daughter,

and there is nothing
I wouldn't do for her.

Except be supportive when
something good happens to me.

- Christy, no cross-talk.
- Zip it, Mensa.

Not only am I supportive,

I am happy, I am thrilled,

I'm a little jealous...

There it is!

There what is?

You admitted you're jealous!

I did not!

You did! You all heard it, tell her!

You sure did.

Okay, so, maybe I am.

Happy?

No!

How could you be jealous
of your own daughter?!

I don't know, I'm a horrible person!

What-what is it you want to hear?

(whispering): Best meeting ever.

I want to hear that you believe in me,

that you think I could
amount to something.

Of course, you can amount to something.

Why else do you think
I feel so threatened?

Okay.

Well, then, thank you.

All right, who else would like to share?

Hi, I'm Jill, I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jill.

I just got to say that
these are the moments

that make me wish my mother wasn't dead.

So, listen, how about

we go dress shopping again next Sunday?

Yes, Violet,

I know we'll have to go
to a different bridal shop.

Thanks. Love you, too.

She's cool?

Yeah, she's got this
weird forgiving streak.

I have no idea where it came from.

Skips a generation.

Really?

You want to do this again?

I'm sorry. Namaste.

You know, I've been thinking,

maybe what you're doing...
Going back to college

and everything...

Maybe that can be an inspiration for me.

How so?

Maybe I'm capable

of doing more in this world

than fixing washing
machines and trapping mice.

I know you are.

The key is figuring out what that is.

Well, why don't we narrow it down?

What are you really good at?

Um, let's see.

I'm smart, I'm personable,

I'm... really good at
tricking people into liking me.

That's because you're a fantastic liar.

Never made a promise I didn't break.

So true.

I'm still waiting for
those roller skates

for my sixth birthday.

They're on the way.

Don't forget you're a control freak.

Mm, despite having no real skills,

I love telling people
what they're doing wrong.

And you have a very healthy ego.

Ah, I may not be much,
but I am all I think about.

So, where does that leave us?

(sighs)

I think it's pretty obvious.

Both: Politics.

("Hail to the Chief" plays)

Morning, Madam President.

Morning, Robert. How's
the country today?

It's still there, ma'am.

Excellent, and the other countries?

All present and accounted for.

Great. Where are we on
getting my face on a stamp?

Do you really want people

licking the back of your head, ma'am?

Good point. Let's put me on money.

Ah, what denomination
did you have in mind?

I've been sober awhile,
do people still snort coke

with hundred dollar bills?

Yes, I believe they do.

Then there's your answer.

You can use my Tinder picture.

Ah, the one with the tube top.

Excellent choice.

By the way, where are we going?

I don't know, you're the president,

I was following you.

Should we sit down and talk?

Oh, God, no, conversations
always seem much more

interesting when you're walking.

- Really?
- Yes, watch.

Have you given more thought

to your nomination to the Supreme Court?

You're right, this is boring,
let's keep walking.

- So, Supreme Court.
- Right.

I guess I'll never hear the end of it

if I don't nominate my daughter.

- Thanks, Mom.
- You're welcome.

Maybe now she'll shut up about
those freaking roller skates.

Not likely, Ma'am.

That smile scares me.

It should.