Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - Beast Mode and Old People Kissing - full transcript

- Previously on Mom...
- I just don't know what to expect.

Have any of you ever
dated a handicapped guy?

When I was in high school,
my boyfriend had a glass eye.

Was it a problem?

No, I loved it.

If I was having a bad
hair day or a giant zit,

I'd just stand on his blind side.

Bonnie, it's just dinner.

I don't think you have to
worry about any of that stuff.

Speaking of stuff, what about his stuff?

What if his stuff doesn't work?



That doesn't mean you can't have fun.

Yeah. His tongue's not in a wheelchair.

Thanks. This is perfect.

Do people always stare at you?

(chuckles) What are you talking about?

They're staring at you.

- Stop.
- I'm serious.

You're a giant. They
think you might eat them.

I'm gonna have a beer. Does
it bother you if I drink?

Does it bother you if I walk?

Not if you're in front of me.
I like the view from back there.

Good answer.

Yee-haw!

(whoops)



(laughing) This is fun.

Uh, hang on.

Oh. Now you're just showing off.

(laughter)

Tonight was great.

Can we do it again?

- We better.
- Good.

- _
- This is awesome.

Makes getting stuff from
the kitchen so much easier.

That's what I say every day.

"This wheelchair sure is convenient."

I'm sorry. Am I getting
too comfortable with you?

No, I like it.

In fact, how would you feel

about going away with me for a few days?

Really? What'd you have in mind?

A long weekend in Cabo.

Ooh, sounds nice.

Are we at that point
in our relationship?

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say

that we could tolerate each other

for four days and three nights, babe.

That sounds about right.

Okay, challenge accepted.

Oh, my God... old
people kissing. So cute.

You ready to go?

Oh, geez, it's 6:30.

- Where you going?
- We've got a meeting.

You just had a meeting last night.

I know, but then I woke up today

and I was still an alcoholic.

Why don't you hang out till I get back?

The meeting's only an hour.

Really? Are we at the "leave me alone

in your apartment" point
of the relationship?

Better you concern yourself
with how we share a bathroom

in Mexico for four
days and three nights.

I'll make sure to bring
matches and a candle.

- Oh, you're so romantic.
- Oh.

Let's roll.

- Be back before you know it.
- Have fun not drinking.

How do you share a hotel bathroom

for four days and three nights?

You don't. You go to the
Starbucks in the lobby

and destroy the one there.

_

Uh, I'm Travis. I'm a drug addict.

ALL: Hi, Travis.

I have, uh... five days sober?

I don't really know
what I'm supposed to say.

You know things have gotten bad

when your drug dealer
tells you you need help.

This isn't the first time I
tried to get clean, either.

I-I had a couple months a while back.

Even had a girlfriend.

Life was pretty good.

And then...

I don't know.

I thought I could get high

every once in a while,

and I convinced her that she could, too.

Some of you might have known her.

I think she came to this meeting.

I'm...

- pretty sure that's what she told me.
- Oh, God. Travis.

- My memory is...
- That's Jodi's boyfriend.

... messed up these days.

Anyway,

I just can't live like this anymore.

Part of me is scared I'm gonna die.

And part of me is scared I won't.

(sniffles) That's all I got.

Who else would like to share?

I don't know about the rest of you,

but I want to kick the
crap out of that guy.

Yeah, like a hundred pounds
of you is gonna hurt somebody.

Excuse me, but I have a beast
mode you don't know about.

What have I always told you?
A lady doesn't use her fists.

That's what cars are for.

That's not gonna bring Jodi back.

Yeah, but it might stop that dirtbag

from killing someone else.

Look, I miss Jodi as much as you all do,

but Travis didn't kill
her. Her addiction did.

Why can't you be a normal
person and just hate?

Oh, believe me, I have my moments.

Like every time you open your mouth.

Let's go, old woman.

I will toss you like a salad.

Everybody just settle down.

Yeah, let's not forget.

Travis didn't hold a gun to Jodi's head

and make her shoot up.

Yeah, but he brought
drugs over to the apartment

of someone who was
barely six months sober.

Yeah, and now he's trying to get sober,

and our job is to help him.

Which is why

I encouraged him to come back.

Wait. You told him to
come back to our meeting?

Yes, I did.

You know, we all follow you around

like you're this great wise woman,

but maybe you're just a lunatic.

You want to run him over with
a car, but I'm the lunatic?

Not run him over, just send a message.

Come on, back me up here.

I'm sorry. I agree with Marjorie.

- (sighs)
- Me, too.

Okay, Christy, it's just you and me.

Oh, that's never a good thing.

Let's talk about happy things.

Bonnie, how's it going
with your boyfriend?

(gasps) I forgot my boyfriend!

Oh, don't come home for a while.
I have some making up to do.

- I am so sorry.
- Yeah, me, too.

Please don't go.

You said you'd be right back.

I'm sitting in there for
three and a half hours

with no booze and
nothing but basic cable.

I-I know. I-I'm-I'm sorry.

I just... I got caught up in something.

Yeah, well, clearly these meetings

are more important than me.

Adam, wait.

I did my waiting.
Three and a half hours.

Come on, Le-let me make it up to you.

What do you got in mind?

Uh, how about I rock your world

while you just lay back and watch ESPN?

You don't have ESPN.

Fine. I'll just yell out scores.

That'll work.

Hey, instead of you sitting
around, wondering what I'm doing

at these meetings, why don't
you come with me one night

and see for yourself?

You want me to go to an AA meeting?

Yeah, just as an observer.

Huh.

Uh, I don't want to
jeopardize the really hot sex

we're about to have, but
that sounds just awful.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

You'll meet some interesting women,

you'll hear a lot of inspiring stories.

You might even cry.

Oh, God, it's basic
cable all over again.

- This way.
- Where are we going?

We're gonna use the bed
in my grandson's room.

Wow, way to talk dirty to me.

(grunts)

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

You have coffee and
cookies before the meeting

and coffee and dessert after?

Moderation's not our strong suit.

So, Adam, Bonnie tells
me you were a stuntman.

Work with any big stars?

I doubled Bruce Willis on a few films.

Really? Do you know how
to get in touch with him?

(laughing): I think he's married.

I didn't ask that.

I think it's just great

you came to the meeting
to support Bonnie.

Well, to be honest, um, I
really wasn't too sure about it,

but she can be very persuasive.

Twice.

Hey.

- How's it going?
- Good. You?

Still breathing.

Great. Good.

Glad you're still breathing.

I want you to know something.

I was Jodi's sponsor,
and I really loved her,

and I wish she was still breathing,

but because of you, she isn't,

and I will never forgive you for it.

Got it.

Yeah.

Run away! Like you
did when she was dying!

So, now that I'm sober,

I'm able to take care of myself and

keep a job and pay my bills.

In fact, after a lifetime
of riding the bus,

I just bought myself
my first ever new car.

Then it started having
all these problems,

and... I don't know what to do.

How about take it back to the dealer?

It's still under warranty.

- (shushing)
- When I start

the car in the morning
and turn the heater on,

cold air comes out.

All cars do that. The engine's cold.

- (shushing)
- But that's okay.

I just bundle up and
ask God for guidance.

You don't need God. You just need to let

the freakin' car warm up.

We don't give advice. We just listen.

Then why are we here?

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

(applause)

Why is everybody clapping? She's stupid.

- I mean...
- Shh!

Hi, I'm Jill. I'm an alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, Jill.

I've been feeling really lonely lately.

So I think I might adopt one
of those little Chinese babies.

Oh, for God's sake...

Okay. I just got to say it.

I have never wanted a
drink more in my life.

Well, AA is just not for you.

How is it for anybody?

Listening to people's problems
and then not helping them.

It gives you perspective
on your own life.

You realize you're not the
only one who has problems.

Really? You thought other
people don't have problems?

Do you get out much?
Have you met other people?

There's more to it than that.

Hey, I got a great idea.

Instead of blowing me off
to go to these meetings,

you tell me your
problems, I won't help you,

and then I'll clap.

I'll tell you my problem.

My boyfriend's being a real jerk.

Hang on.

Would anyone else like to share?

Anybody?

- Sorry.
- Where's Adam?

He's, uh, processing the meeting.

- What does that mean?
- He's at a bar drinking.

Hey, did anybody see that Travis
boy at the meeting tonight?

Yeah. He was out in the
hallway when I came in.

Huh. I wonder why he didn't stay.

I wonder why we're not talking
about Jill's new Chinese baby.

I'm not 100% on Chinese.

I could see myself toting
around a little India baby.

You know, you might want
to start by adopting a dog

and see how that goes.

Oh, no. Dogs are so high-maintenance.

Oh, damn it.

Travis didn't come to the meeting

because I got in his
face and chased him off.

Oh, Christy.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't help it.

Well, you know what you got to do now.

No. I am not apologizing to that kid.

He can rot in hell for all I care.

Really? Is that the kind
of person you want to be?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

I'm proud of you. I
wouldn't apologize either.

(groans)

Do I know my little girl?

(rock music playing)

Hi. Travis?

Seriously?

What do you want?

Can we talk?

I'm working.

Fine. I'm a customer.

I want to get something pierced.

What would you recommend?

I don't know. Some people
get their nose or tongue.

Both solid ideas, but I have a job

where people see me
while they're eating.

How about another earring?

Perfect.

Take a seat.

Okay, so, first of all,
I owe you an amends.

I should never have said
those terrible things to you

at the meeting.

I'm still pretty messed
up about Jodi, but...

I shouldn't have taken it out on you.

Okay.

Please keep going to meetings.

I don't care where, I don't care when.

You're welcome back to ours. Just...

Ow!

No warning?

"Ready, set, go" is for people I like.

Pay at the counter.

Just so you know...

there is nothing that
anybody could say to me

that's worse than what I say to myself.

For the rest of my life,

I got to live with what I did.

You didn't kill her.

She used because she was an addict,

and that's what addicts do.

Do you think it is even possible

for someone as messed
up as me to stay sober?

Come back to the meeting

and... I'll introduce you to my mother.

Hey. How do I know you're not faking

the whole paralyzed thing
so I'm always waiting on you?

Light the couch on fire
and see for yourself.

- (laughs)
- Listen,

I feel kind of bad about
how I acted the other night

- after the meeting.
- Oh, please, don't.

I look forward to finding
something you're passionate

about so I can crap all over it.

- (chuckles)
- Hey, I'm trying to apologize.

And I'm taking advantage of it.

I also think the reason
you don't understand

how important AA is to me
is because you don't know

what I was like before I got sober.

What are you saying, there's
a crazier version of you?

Let's go to the videotape and find out.

("Canon in D" playing)

Let me fast-forward to the good part.

(dance music playing)

Back off!

Come on, you douche bags, dance!

You're ruining my daughter's wedding!

All right, you're a little out
of control, but I've seen worse.

Oh, baby, I'm just getting warmed up.

All right! Here we go!

Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

Mine! Mine.

Mine!

Give it!

Mine! Mine!

Okay, that was a
little over-the-top.

Wait for it.

Congratulations, Christy and Baxter!

I'm next, bitches!

That ain't right.

It also ain't over.

I just want to apologize to everyone.

Obviously, this is not how I
wanted my wedding to turn out.

Oh, come on! I had to punch him!

The bastard stole my cocaine!

Ask him! (shouting)

Baxter, why are you taping this?

So, what do you think?

Is there a meeting now? I'll drive you.

We're glad you came back
to the meeting, Travis.

Thanks. I hope I wasn't
out of line trying

to help that lady with her car.

She just needs to let it warm up.

My boyfriend is really gonna like you.

Just so you know, we come here
after almost every meeting,

if you ever want to hang out.

I'd like that.

Jodi was always talking
about these cool older ladies

she knew from the meeting.

She told me a lot of stories.

One of you is really smart and kind

and helps people all the time.

Guilty.

And somebody punched a camel?

It was a long time
ago. I was super drunk,

and he wouldn't give me a cigarette.

Who cries all the time?

Yeah, that's me!

And she talked

a lot about you, Christy.

And how much she loved you

and how you tried to stop
her from going out with me.

What can I say?

Nothing.

I just wish she listened to you.