Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Sticky Hands and a Walk on the Wild Side - full transcript

Every morning, I wake up

and for about two seconds,

I feel pretty good.

And then I remember that Jodi died.

And I'm trying to be grateful

for those two seconds,

but I can't.

I just hate this disease.

I hate it that it took our friend.

I hate it that I'm going
to twice as many meetings,

and they don't seem to help.



I don't... even see the point anymore.

Thanks. That's it.

Why are we clapping?

Who else would like to share?

I would.

Marjorie, alcoholic.

Hi, Marjorie.

Unlike everyone else,

I just found out about
Jodi's death yesterday,

so... instead of grieving
with all of you,

I was on a cruise ship to Alaska.

That's not the choice
I would have made...

... but that choice was made for me.

I'm sorry.



I just wanted you to
enjoy your honeymoon.

Hey. This is my share.

Sorry.

Anyway, right now I am
so angry and frustrated

that I can't even get
to how heartbroken I am

over losing that sweet little girl.

I'm Bonnie, I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

Last time I lost somebody I loved,

I started using again.

As I recall, it didn't go well.

Went on a three-day tear,

almost destroyed my
relationship with my daughter,

and, as a parting gift,

I got a DUI.

So if I start acting
squirrely, do me a favor:

Show me my mug shot.

That'll do it.

Am I the only one who's eating this pie?

Too sad to eat.

Isn't that what pie's for?

Let's just get the check.

If I'm gonna be miserable,
I'd rather be alone.

Usually, when you're miserable,
I prefer that you're alone.

But maybe this time, we
do something different.

Like what?

Something to get our minds off of Jodi.

No, I'm not talking about drinking.

An opportunity recently
came across my desk.

You don't have a desk.

All right, it was a text
message from an old colleague.

You don't have colleagues.

Do you want to hear this or not?

Fine, go.

There's a certain substance...

Pure, uncut...

That we can buy in Canada

for pennies on the dollar,

smuggle back here and
sell to my colleague

for an enormous profit.

Our friend just died of an overdose

and you want to smuggle
drugs to get over it?

I'm not talking about drugs.

Then what are you talking about?

Maple syrup.

I don't understand.

Is that a street name for something?

No, it's the actual name.

You mean the stuff you put on pancakes?

Or waffles, French toast...

Ooh. Have you ever put it on bacon?

No, that sounds good.

It's incredible.

Even Turkey bacon.

You glaze it, then you put it

- in the oven at 350...
- Ladies,

ladies... focus.

My guy says there's a lot
of money to be made

for anybody who's willing
to... How shall we say...

Get their hands a little sticky.

But maple syrup isn't illegal.

It is when it fell off
the back of a truck.

Wouldn't that just make a mess?

It's a saying, Wendy.

The stuff is stolen?

Oh...

Hot syrup.

Mmm.

You put a little butter
in that... forget about it.

Oh, for God's sake. Never mind.

No, no, no, I think this...
might be just what we need.

How much money are we talking about?

If we each kick in $500,

we clear five grand apiece.

Wow.

That kind of money would
really solve a lot of problems.

Sure would.

Tell me about it.

What?

I need a new purse.

Okay, I got our
contact's name in Canada,

$1,000 in cash and some pepper spray,

just in case things go sideways.

Great.

Mad Libs or Travel Yahtzee?

You're kidding, right?

This isn't a camping trip,
it's a smuggling operation.

We could end up in jail.

I don't care. I'm breaking bad.

Really?

This is usually where you get all judgy,

rat me out to Marjorie,
and then she's all,

"Bonnie, you need to think
about the consequences."

Well, Marjorie hates me now,

so we're talking a
walk on the wild side.

With healthy and nutritious snacks.

Motherhood ruined you.

Hey, I am willing to commit a felony,

but I refuse to sit in a car with you

when you have low blood sugar.

Yeah? Well, I don't want to
sit in a car with you, period.

Okay, I just heard it. Give me a carrot.

Take 'em all.

Look at us. Sneakin' stuff across
the border, just like the old days.

Yeah. We are a couple of bad-asses.

Ooh! I forgot my mittens.

I have to pee.

Oh, for God's sake. I asked you

if you needed to pee
before you got in the car.

Yeah, well, at the time, I didn't.

Did you even try?

Don't talk to me like I'm a child,

just 'cause I have to tinkle.

Get off at the next exit.

We'll find a gas station.

Oh, not a gas station.

Those bathrooms are too dirty.

Okay, Wendy, where
would you like to tinkle?

I've had good luck at
Denny's and McDonald's.

Hmm.

Good to know.

Pull over. Let's see what
kind of luck she has

crouched behind a guard rail.

She's kidding, right?

Afraid not.

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ bright eyes ♪

♪ every now and then I fall apart ♪

♪ turn around bright eyes ♪

♪ every now and then I fall apart ♪

♪ and I need you now tonight ♪

♪ and I need you more than ever ♪

♪ and if you'll only hold me tight ♪

♪ we'll be holding on forever... ♪

- When do we come back in?
- When it's your car.

♪ And we'll only be
making it right... ♪

The hot sting of the riding crop

across her tender buttocks

filled Samantha with humiliation

and desire.

The part of her that hated
Dirk for stealing her ranch

wanted to say, "No. Stop."

But the rest of her could only cry out

"harder! Harder!"

Yeah, I'm not comfortable

getting horny in front of my mom.

Well, she's not my mom.

Press "play."

No, let's... do something else.

Have a nice conversation.

I wonder what Marjorie thought

when we didn't show up
at the meeting tonight.

Who cares?

Ooh. Raggin' on Marjorie.

I like it.

Hey.

She decided to make me the bad guy

for caring about her happiness,

so the hell with her.

Oh, damn it.

"Harder. Harder!"

I'm sorry, but if Samantha
really wanted her ranch back,

couldn't she arrange some sort
of payment plan with the bank?

Where is this guy?

Don't worry, he'll be here.

What are you doing?

Posting my picture on Instagram.

Are you crazy?

What?

My followers like to
know what I'm up to.

You've been posting
pictures the whole trip?

No...

I swear to God,

if I got to jail, it's
gonna be for murder.

They're here, they're here!

Calm down, Wendy.

It's not an ice cream truck.

You got the money?

Right here.

Let's do it.

No, no, no, no, no.

We got this. You guys stay here.

Okay, we got your back.

First sign of trouble,

get in the car, we're out of here.

Are you Shoshanna?

That's me.

Shoshanna.

Nice.

You have the stuff?

You have the money?

Slow down.

I'm gonna need to
taste what we're buying.

Oh, yeah, that's right out of the tree.

Can I have some?

Sheesh, it's like bring
your kid to work day.

Mmm...

What are you doing?

Mmm. Sorry, old habit.

Okay.

100 gallons; We've got a deal.

So where does a guy your size buy pants?

I'm thinking you're too big
and tall for "Big & Tall".

Can you hear me up there?

Uh, Shosh?

I think we have a problem.

Whoa.

How much does that thing weigh?

300, 400 pounds.

Uh, I'm assuming you'll help
us put it in the car, right?

Nope.

Did I piss you off about
the big and tall thing?

'Cause I'm big and tall, too.

I got this.

Any chance you have

a few thousand more of
those tiny squeeze bears?

Thanks for the help, fellas!

Canadian dicks.

Mexican criminals are
so much more courteous.

Until they make you dig your own grave.

How are we gonna get this in the car?

Good for you. You spotted the problem.

Well, I guess the first thing we do

is walk it over there.

Yep, I guess.

Okay.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

- Other way, other way.
- Which other way?

Toward the car, genius.

Whoo! Somebody has low blood sugar.

Rock it up and spin, spin, spin.

Whoa!

Rock it up and spin, spin, spin.

This is fun.

You've never had actual fun, have you?

... spin, spin, spin.

Oh, oh!

Girl power!

Oh!

Stupid men would've probably

just backed the car up to the barrel.

What?

Okay.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Little higher, little higher.

We're not gonna make it.

We don't have a choice. Lift!

Don't get mad, but I have to pee again!

Nobody pees until this
barrel's in the car.

Pick me up at the
Denny's across the street!

Do you think they
have syrup-sniffing dogs?

Yes, Wendy, they've
given up on drug cartels

in order to crack down on Aunt Jemima.

They are searching all the cars.

Maybe we should turn around.

A u-turn at the border?

Yeah, that won't look suspicious.

Oh, my God, we're all
gonna go to prison!

A little louder, Wendy.

I don't think the
border guards heard you.

All right, everybody just calm down.

I got us through Marjorie's
wedding after Jodi died

and I can get us through this.

Of course, if I had
taken Jodi's phone call,

none of this would be happening.

Don't go there.

What do you mean, don't go there?

It's all I think about.

She needed me and I was too busy

with the stupid wedding.

No one blames you.

Yeah, well...

I blame me.

No. Don't start.

If you start, I'll...

I'm starting.

Me, too.

What?

Oh...

Hello, officer.

Everything okay in here?

No. Nothing's okay.

Our friend died and we came
up here to get away from it

but you can't get away from
it, 'cause it's just too awful.

Tell 'em to pop the trunk.

Nah, they're cool.

Drive safely.

What are you doing?

I need a meeting.

Here?

Why not?

We've got four drunks and
a bunch of crappy snacks.

Sounds like a meeting to me.

All right.

I guess we're having a meeting.

Welcome to the Interstate 5,

Mile Marker 23 meeting
of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'll start.

Hi, I'm Christy. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Christy.

I know we joke a lot

about... all the crazy stuff we did

when we were drunk and loaded.

And maybe it's funny
'cause we got away with it.

We're still here.

But Jodi's not.

And I've got to find some way

to make sense of that.

Otherwise, her dying is just...

a complete waste.

We have to make it mean something.

I have to...

... make it mean something.

And the only way I can do that

is by... never taking my
sobriety for granted.

I don't know how many
second chances I'll get.

I've had eight.

Anyway...

That's it.

Would anyone else like to share?

I'm not following that.

I think you said it all.

Okay.

Serenity prayer.

God...

... Grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

- Hi.
- Hi.

This a bad time?

That depends. Are you gonna yell at me?

No.

Then come on in.

You want some tea?

Uh, no, thanks.

So... what's up?

I'm here because I owe you an amends.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

I know your heart was in the right place

when you didn't tell me about Jodi.

You wanted me to enjoy
my honeymoon, and I did.

I'm glad.

That is... all I wanted.

I think I just channeled
all my emotions about Jodi

into being angry at you,

which was wrong.

I totally get it.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about?

I don't know.

I'm just more comfortable
being the one who apologizes.

So how are you doing?

Better than I was.

That's good to hear.

So what were the four of you

doing up in Canada?

Canada?

Yeah, I follow Jill on Instagram.

There was a whole bunch
of pictures of your trip.

Oh, yeah...

We just decided, you know,

spur of the moment, to hit the road

process and heal...

You could almost call it sort of a...

spiritual retreat.

Christy!

Look what I... Hey! Hi! Hello!