Mom (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Godzilla and a Sprig of Mint - full transcript

Christy's evening alone takes an unexpected turn when she meets her attractive, single neighbor, Andy. Meanwhile, Bonnie and Alvin's romantic plans are derailed by Alvin's ex-wife, Lorraine.

You know, I don't really think
about drinking much anymore,

but I got to tell you, I was
on a date last weekend, and...

This girl is such a whack-job.

it's a miracle I didn't start shooting
heroin before the salad showed up.

(laughter)

(quietly): Hey, he's talking about me!

Even funnier.

I mean, I think I spent

the entire night listening to her complain
about her nightmare of a mother.

(laughs)

LEE: I know we're not
supposed to judge anybody here,



but whoever's sponsoring this girl
isn't qualified to sponsor a bowling team.

Anyway, thanks.

All right, who'd like to share next?

Mom - 02x09
Godzilla and a Spring of Mint

Well, that's it. We are gonna
have to find a new meeting.

Shake it off.

Shake it off? I was humiliated.

Why would you talk about me on your dates?

I think they have a right
to know why I'm so broken.

The point is we can't
go back to that meeting.

No, the point is don't
date men in the rooms.

Where else am I supposed to meet them?

You told me not to screw around
at the restaurant.

No, I told you stop sleeping
with your married boss.



That still leaves you all those
single dishwashers and busboys.

That's tough; they all live together.

There's plenty of other
places to meet nice fellas.

We should all go out together.

Your mom and I can be your wing-gals.

"Wing-gals"?

Did I say it wrong?

Perfect.

That's not a bad idea.

How about tomorrow night?

Roscoe's gonna be with his dad,
and Violet's gonna be...

I don't know. Wherever she
tells me, it'll be a lie.

Tomorrow's no good;
I have plans with your dad.

Oh. Okay.

All right, Marjorie, it's just us.

No, honey, it's just you.

I have a date with Victor.

Who's Victor?

Your old landlord, Mr. Perugian.

That's still happening?

Yeah, kind of.

He drove me to chemo last Tuesday,
so you might say things are heating up.

Hey, you could still go out, though.

Call another friend.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that.

Who are you thinking?

I don't know.

Phoebe, Monica, Rachel.

Those were the girls on Friends.

Were they?

That's weird.

LEE: And then she tells me
she's a maitre d'

at this fancy restaurant 'cause she's too
embarrassed to say she's a waitress.

Fine! We get it!

I'm a loser, I'm a liar,
I'm a whack-job!

Okay, now we need to find
a new coffee shop.

Roscoe leave?

Yep. Baxter just picked him up.

Hey, you look nice.

Thank you.

You look... comfortable.

I am.

I thought you were gonna get
out there and meet people.

You know, I was,

but then I got to thinking,
I never have time to myself.

I need to take advantage of it.

So you're gonna masturbate.

I call it "making love."

Okay, well, have fun.

I will. You, too.

- Christy?
- Yeah?

Keep it on your side of the bed.

Okay.

A whole night to myself.

(sighs)

I am all alone.

♪ I'm alone, I'm alone ♪

♪ I'm alone ♪

♪ But I'm not lonely ♪

♪ Hey, I'm no phony ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm not lonely ♪

♪ I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone ♪

♪ But I'm not lonely... ♪

Mom.

You're not alone.

I am on the inside.

See you later.

Where you gonna be?

The library.

Okay, just make sure
the library uses a condom.

(sputters)

Okay.

I can do anything I want.

Question is: What to do first?

(sighs)

Why does it take so long
when I'm with a guy?

- This is delicious, Alvin.
- Thank you.

When did you learn to cook?

Couple years ago, I took some classes.

Really? What inspired that?

My wife and I weren't getting along
real well, and I was hungry.

(chuckles)

Oh, you poor baby.

- Leave room for dessert.
- Ooh, what's that?

Chilled whipped cream, a sprig of mint

and my world-famous nuts.

Then I should probably skip
these little potatoes.

(phone vibrating)

Excuse me.

No.

Why did a picture of Godzilla
just come up on your phone?

The ex-wife.

What picture do you have of me?

Well... how's that?

BONNIE: Aw.

Go get the mint.

(phone vibrating)

Whoa, Tokyo's in trouble.

- If you need to answer it, answer it.
- You don't mind?

- It's fine. Go.
- Just be a minute.

Okay.

Lorraine, yeah.

Nothing, just watching the game.

(mouthing)

What can I do for you?

No.

It's not my house anymore,
which means it's not my roof,

which means it's not my leak.

No, I can't come there right now.

No, I'm not with anybody.

I told you, I'm watching the game.

Seven to nothing.

I got to go.

I'll e-mail you the number of the roofer.

Good-bye.

So sorry about that.

Sorry about that.

No, it's fine, no worries.

So how are you enjoying
being a building manager?

Well, what's not to enjoy?

We live rent-free,
and 67 people think of me

every time they successfully flush.

Why did you tell Godzilla you were alone?

Lorraine?

Why stir the pot?

I get that.

Does she know we're seeing each other?

Again, the pot, a desire not to stir.

Oh, my God.

I'm like some dirty little whore
you keep on the side.

Bonnie, no.

Relax. I like it.

♪ I'm alone, I'm alone,
I'm alone, I'm alone ♪

♪ But I'm not lonely ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm doing lone-dree ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm not lonely... ♪

Hello.

Oh.

Hello.

You mind if I join you?

Do you know the words?

Pretty much
"lonely, lonely, lonely," right?

Pretty much.

Andy Dreeson, 2B.

Christy Plunkett, 1B.

Oh, so I'm on top of you.

Well, let's see how the laundry goes.

All righty.

Well, I know why I'm doing
laundry on a Saturday night,

but why is a beautiful woman
like you here?

Oh, please.

Beautiful.

Just I'm having a little quality me time.

Well, if you like,
I can do my laundry later.

- No, no, that's fine.
- You sure?

Oh, yeah.

I've had enough me time.

In fact, I'm kind of sick of me.

So you got anything exciting
to wash tonight?

Um, not really. Mostly just underwear.

Boxer man, huh?

Yeah, ever since I was a kid.

I tried the tighty-whities for a while,

but then I came back to the boxers

because I really like
that extra ventilation...

Oh, God, why couldn't I have
just said yes?

I'm a rambler, too.

I tend to go on and on.
I never know when to shut up.

It's like my brain and my mouth
have separate agendas and I just...

- Oh, boy.
- What?

You're about to see a Batman T-shirt.

Okay, and I just want you to
know that this was a gag gift.

Got it.

(imitates Batman): And I fight crime.

You like your dessert?

It's okay.

What's wrong?

I was promised your world-famous nuts.

(both laugh)

I have never loved you more.

What do you say we take
this in the other room?

Mmm.

Let me just freshen up.

Hurry.

(knocking)

Who the hell is this?

- Lorraine?
- Hello, Alvin.

I want to apologize
for being such a bitch.

Like, today or always?

You tell me.

What the hell are you doing?

Ready for a little sex with the ex?

All right, let's bring on those nuts.

Okay, before anybody overreacts,

let's consider the possibilities.

I should go.

This is the game you were watching?

- You're drunk; I'm gonna take you home.
- Oh, I am not drunk.

Then why are you dressed
like a magician's assistant?

Nobody asked you,
home-wrecker bitch whore.

I am not a home wrecker.

What'd you think, you could crawl back

after all these years
and just get him back?

What do you care? You threw him away.

And it looks to me like you're
the one doing the crawling.

That's enough.

I'm taking you home, Lorraine.

- I'll be right back.
- Get her a cab.

She's the mother of my children.

Hey, I'm the mother
of one of your children, too.

But at least he doesn't refer
to my children as a mistake.

You called Christy a mistake?

Bonnie... wait.

It's not that simple.

Well... she's a little high-maintenance.

BOTH: ♪ I'm alone, I'm alone,
I'm alone, I'm alone ♪

♪ But I'm not lonely... ♪

Doesn't really work as a duet.

No, it doesn't.

Would you like a glass of wine?

Oh, just some water's fine.

Your place is great.

Oh, thanks. (chuckles)

I wish I could take the credit,
but it was my ex who decorated.

Oh, breakup, huh? Sorry. Was it recent?

About a year ago.

That's great.

I mean...

that you're over the hard part.

Yeah, we just wanted different things.

Let me guess... she wanted a commitment,
and you wanted to keep your options open?

No, I wanted to settle down.

Let me get you a coaster.

(mouthing)

You have a dog?

Uh, no. I volunteer for a rescue society,

so sometimes I foster the little guys
until they find a permanent home.

Oh. That's so sweet.

Uh, please don't tell
the building manager.

Don't worry. I've been keeping secrets
from the building manager my whole life.

Do you mind if I put on some music?

Sure.

(polka music playing)

Sorry, just messing with you.

Yet it's still on your iPod.

(soft jazz playing) Better?

Better.

♪ ♪

So, Andy...

what do you do when
you're not doing laundry?

Oh, well, uh, do you know Delforno Wines?

(sighs): Oh, I used to.

I'm their in-house accountant.

Well, that's interesting.

No, it's not.

No, it's not.

What do you do?

I'm in the restaurant business.

I own a place downtown.

- Oh, well...
- Nope. I'm lying.

- I'm just a maitre d'.
- Well, I mean...

Lying again. I'm a waitress.

You done?

Yeah.

That's my final answer.

Well, I think waitressing
is an honorable profession.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

This turned out to be a pretty
good Saturday night, huh?

It did, didn't it?

Pretty unexpected.

Yeah.

You like the unexpected?

I do...

like to think of myself as adventurous.

Me, too.

I'm really glad I met you.

Glad I met you, too.

Excuse me, I, uh, need to...

Uh, down the hall.

I'll be right back.

Hey...

totally hypothetical question:
You like kids?

- No.
- Oh.

I love them.

Oh.

Don't move.

Something's got to be wrong with you.

Let's see what's going on here.

No antibiotics. Good start.

Oh. Chewable vitamins. Adorable.

No antidepressants,
no anti-anxieties, no ointments.

Unbelievable.

I'm getting married.

All right, let's check out
the honeymoon suite.

And the wedding's off.

ANDY: Do you like what you see?

Andy!

Look at you!

What's happening now?

You said you liked to be adventurous.

Yeah. But I meant, like...

pancakes for dinner.

Here, hold my leash and tell me
what to do in a firm voice.

Okay, um...

be normal.

I-I... I get it.

Uh...

how about, sit.

Andy, sit!

Good boy.

Now stay.

I said stay!

♪ I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone ♪

♪ But I'm not murdered. ♪

(whines): Oh.

What?

Christy, are you still masturbating?

Quiet.

What the hell is going on?

We have to find a new place to live.

What? Why?

You know the guy up in 2B?

Dog boy? What about him?

You knew?

Yeah. He brings me the paper sometimes.

Okay, well, I almost made out with him.

Yeah? So?

What do you mean, "Yeah? So?"

Well, you could do worse. And chances
are, he's probably pretty loyal.

This isn't funny!

I'm gonna have to see
him all the time now.

You'll be fine. Just keep
some treats in your pocket.

(knocking)

Oh, God.

(exhales) It's Dad.

Oh, God. Tell him I'm not here.

Where is she?

Um... she's not here.

(mouthing)

Hey, Dad?

Yeah?

Whose side should I be on?

Hers.

Damn!

(scratching on door)

(knocking)

Can we talk?

What's to talk about?

You called our daughter a mistake.

What I said to my then-wife,
who was throwing me out of my house,

was that you and I having a baby
when we were kids was a mistake.

- And you believe that?
- Yeah, I do.

We were broke. We were living
in a Winnebago up on blocks.

But that was then.

Now that I've gotten to know Christy,

I realize having her was the best
thing you and I ever did.

You know your wife's
still in love with you.

What can I say? I'm catnip to the ladies.

- You sure it's over?
- It's over for me.

In what world do you have
two women fighting over you?

(laughs): A great world.

I'm nowhere near as crazy
as Lorraine, right?

(chuckles): No, no, not even close.

Good. 'Cause I would've set
you on fire if you'd said yes.

Hi. Welcome to Wednesday's St. Luke's
meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm Carla. I'm an alcoholic.

OTHERS: Hi, Carla.

I can't believe we drove 20 miles

all because you're too much of a wimp
to go to our regular meeting.

I'm sorry. That guy embarrassed me.
I don't want to go back there.

You need to learn to stand your ground.
Don't let anybody run you off.

Yeah, yeah. I wish I was strong like you.

Anyone new to A.A. here tonight?

- Hi. I'm Lorraine. I'm an alcoholic.
- BONNIE: We're out of here.