Mom (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Kimchi and a Monkey Playing Harmonica - full transcript

- Previously on Mom...
- I got a job.

For money?

Even better.

They're paying you in keys?

No, I'm managing an apartment building.

They're paying me with a free apartment.

We have a home.

Oh, mom!

That's incredible!

I know!

Wait, wait.



Do you know how to manage
an apartment building?

I do not.

You know, I'm thinking
somewhere down the road,

we buy a nice fold-out couch
for the living room.

You'll be a lot more comfortable.

Wait, what?

I thought you were sleeping on the couch.

Oh, you're adorable.

I found the apartment. I get the master.

Yeah, but... I saved us.

- I know, it's just...
- After you put us out on the street.

- Yeah, but I...
- But what?

But I don't want to sleep on the couch.

You want to swap with Roscoe?



No. That's a closet.

Well, I don't know what choice we have.

We certainly can't sleep
in the same bed together.

Why not?

I'm tiny.

What happens when one of us
has a gentleman caller?

Well, Blanche DuBois,

one of us can sleep on the couch then.

I guess that can work.

We will need some kind of signal.

You mean like a sock on the door?

Yeah, but classier.

A sock wearing a top hat?

How about this beer cozy?

Yeah, I guess that'll work.

Yeah. It's like it's having sex
with the doorknob.

Mom - 02x05
"Kimchi and a Monkey Playing Harmonica"

- Morning.
- Morning.

- What you doing?
- I'm trying to figure out how to fix

a coin-operated washing
machine on Youtube.

- Any luck?
- No, but look.

A monkey playing harmonica.

Holy mackerel!

He's actually playing the blues.

Yeah, he's obviously known sadness.

I'll get it.

Who hurt you, little monkey?

Roscoe, your dad's here!

Get a move on!

Hey! Nice place.

Thanks.

Look at you all cleaned up.

Court date?

There's no court on Saturday.

You know that.

Come on in.

So... what's with the...

New haircut and big boy clothes?

Well, uh, Candace bought me this stuff.

Very nice.

What's a "Candace"?

She's a girl I'm living with.

You're living with somebody?

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, you were
kind of homeless for a while,

and I didn't want you to think
I was showing off.

That's amazing.

Good for you.

Gets better! She got me this sweet gig

selling cars at her dad's dealership.

Hang on. You have a legitimate job?

Yeah, the cars are easy to sell,
too, 'cause they're from Korea,

which I'm sure you know is the new Japan.

What about your pot business?

Ah, well...

Candace decided I didn't want
to do that anymore.

But it's cool

'cause I love selling cars.

They're even talking about sending me
to Seoul for a management program.

- Seoul?
- Yeah.

I think it's in Korea.

Oh, check this out.

Kimchi.

What's it mean?

"Pickled cabbage." I'm told it comes up
more often than you'd think.

Yeah.

Hey, dad! Want to see my new room?

No, no. You can show him later.

You guys get out of here.

Go have fun.

Okay.

Baxter, wait.

This woman, Candace, if she's
gonna be around Roscoe,

I think I should meet her.

Of course. I'll set it up.

In the meantime,

this is a brochure for our new hatchback.

It's perfect for hauling kids,

hauling groceries and hauling ass.

Thanks.

But my ass can't afford it.

Come on, zero down.

No payments for 12 months.

Kind of like you and child support.

Okay, bye!

What happened to him?

Apparently, he has a new girlfriend,

a new home and a new job.

Fantastic.

Yeah, I'm happy for him.

You don't sound happy.

Well, I am!

Tell me again how you finagled
your way into this job.

There was no finagling.
Just a straight-out lie.

So, you told them you were a handyman?

Told them I was an aircraft mechanic.

This was a step down
for first Lieutenant Plunkett.

Do you remember when we were
broke and you conned your way

into teaching
at that Catholic high school?

Oh, yeah. All I needed was
a Halloween costume

and a willingness
to hit kids with a ruler.

So what's the plan?

You're gonna call me
every time something breaks?

Pretty much.

Hand me the Phillips.

And what do I get out of this deal?

You get to help
your daughter and grandchildren

keep a roof over their heads.

Yeah, what else you got?

What'd you have in mind?

Don't play coy.

I know you're staring at my ass crack.

That's 'cause it's a lot hairier
than I remember it being.

Turn on the machine.
Let's see what we got.

- Hey! You fixed it.
- Yeah.

These hands are good at making
old things come to life.

You want to try that again?

Very much so.

You look beautiful.

- Better.
- Mm.

Hold on.

Better.

Nice.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

No, no. Keep going.

I'm an old man with no cable TV.

That's okay.

You the new super?

Actually, I am.

Really?

You're very attractive.

Thank you.

You see, that's how you make
a lady feel special.

So, is this a serious
thing between you two?

- Well, we're working on it...
- I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to legs.

I'll see you around.

Oh, uh, Jack Bumgartner, 1F.

You have the key.

Hey, I'm right here.

For now.

Enjoy your meal.

Good evening. Welcome to the...

Aw, hell no!

You said you wanted to
meet my new girlfriend.

Ta-da.

Christy, Candace. Candace, Christy.

Is this awkward?

Because we could move to another table.

No, no, no. This is fine.

Nice to meet you.

Aw, same here.

You know, Baxter's told me all about
how you've turned your life around.

Good for you.

I think you guys are
gonna be best friends.

We're certainly off to a great start.

Hey, how's it going?

Candace bought me new clothes.

Yeah, I noticed.

No one's owned them before.

I'm the first person to wear them.

Don't get used to it.

So, Christy,

I hear you just moved
into a new apartment.

Yeah, we're really excited about it.

I live in the closet.

Why don't we get you some bread?

Excuse me, miss?

Not now!

Yeah, baby.

Spank that tushy.

Ooh.

Damn.

- What?
- Sorry to bother you, I just...

I needed to talk to somebody.

Come on.

Thanks.

So, I was just with my ex and...

Oh, whoa, what the hell are you watching?

Man-on-man porn.

So, what about your ex?

He-he was helping me
fix a washing machine,

and we started making out and...

I'm sorry. This does it for you?

I like the sausage party.

Go on.

Um...

Okay. Uh, so we hadn't seen each other

in-in a few years, and
after his heart attack,

we kind of reconciled and...

Uh, old feelings started up and...

Can you just turn this off?

There's too many balls.

That's actually the name of this one.

Anyway, uh, long story short,

we almost had sex this afternoon.

It didn't happen, but
he's coming over later,

and we both know why, and
it's kind of messing me up.

Oh, you still have feelings for him.

Of course I do.

I don't know. It's complicated.

Where are the cats?

I put them in the bedroom.

I don't like them to see this side of me.

I'm not crazy about seeing it, either.

Okay, look, do you want
a relationship with this man?

Yeah.

I-I guess. I-I...

I'm just afraid of getting hurt again.

Well, that's understandable.

So, have you considered
not having sex with him

until you see where this is going?

Is that a real thing?

Yes, it's a real thing.

Hmm. It doesn't sound right.

Bonnie, your whole life... you met a guy,

you like the guy, you sleep with the guy.

I didn't always like them.

Okay, a good definition of
insanity is doing the same thing

over and over again, and
expecting a different result.

But what if I do the same
thing just one more time?

You know, just in case it's different.

Okay, fine.

So, what do I do with
the, you know, urges?

Sorry.

I thought maybe you bailed on me.

No, I just had to visit a sick friend.

Oh, no. What's wrong with her?

Well, she has cancer, but
that's not really the problem.

Come on in.

Everybody is out and about?

Yep.

Just you and me.

Great.

Oh, got us some
non-alcoholic sparkling cider,

in case we want to,
I don't know, get bloated.

Oh. Why don't we open this later.

Yeah.

So...

So...

Here we are.

Yes.

I'm a little nervous.

Me, too.

It's weird, 'cause it's not
like any part of me's a virgin.

Friend of mine thinks

I shouldn't hop in the sack with you.

What do you think?

I think I should get a new friend.

Oh, no.

Wash him, he's dirty.

I slip in the shower, no one comes over.

What?

Sorry. I know it's late.

I just had a really rough night,
and I needed to talk to you.

Come on in.

You will not believe it.

But my ex brings Roscoe
and his new girlfriend

over to the restaurant,
and I have to serve...

Holy crap.

Look at the size of that thing.

Yeah. Yeah, that's big.

So, your ex comes
into the restaurant, and...?

And he's dating this Candace woman,

who's got a lot of money.

She's cleaned him up, got him a good job.

So, what's the problem?

I am trying so hard.

I quit drinking, I'm going to meetings.

Where's my Candace?!

You want a woman with money
to take care of you?

No.

I mean... I'm flexible.

You want my advice?

Get over it.

If he's doing better,
it's good for your son,

it's good for you,
it's good for everybody.

Wait, but you haven't even
heard the worst of it.

When they left the restaurant,

his girlfriend hugs me
and leaves me a huge tip.

That cow.

Right?

Listen, I told you what to do...

You do it, don't do it, just get out.

Thanks for listening.

Mm-hmm.

Where are the cats?

They died. Now, get out.

I was just thinking...

The last time we were together like this,

I had an afro and mutton-chop sideburns.

And yet I still slept with you.

I missed this.

Me, too.

35 years go by,
and it's like nothing's changed.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

It means... I'm glad
we're still the same people.

Hang on.

I am capable of changing, you know.

Yeah, sure.

It's not like I'm doomed to
make the same stupid mistakes

over and over again.

Nobody's saying that.

Let's keep kissing.

Hey, give me a second.

What's going on?

I don't know.

Alvin...

I-I'm sorry, I can't do this.

Why? What's wrong?

I want a real relationship.

So do I.

Well, if that's ever gonna happen for us,

we need to get to know each other again.

Take it slow.

I'm 56 years old;

it was gonna be slow
no matter what we did.

Be serious.

Of course we can take it slow.

Thank you.

No problem.

So, now what?

Well, I don't know.

I've never not done this before.

Uh, can we still...

Make out and stuff?

Oh, yeah, I-I know what
you're really asking,

and the answer is no.

No, Baxter, he cannot spend
the night with you and Candace.

I don't need a reason, I'm his mother.

Bring him home now.

Look at me being a bitch.

Ew.

Ew!

Nothing happened.

Dad, I'm a grown woman.

I know a sex beer cozy when I see one.

Yeah, you'd think.

But, honestly, nothing happened.

Your mother is a classy broad.

Since when?

About an hour ago.

Is he gone?

Yeah.

What happened?

Nothing.

I took Marjorie's advice,
did things differently,

and I feel terrific.

You know she watches gay porn?

I know, I watched it with her.

I think she's onto something.

Yeah. Well, I'm happy she helped you,

but she was of no use to me.

What did she tell you?

I don't even want to repeat it.

It's just that ridiculous.

Try me.

She thinks I should be more supportive

of my ex-husband.

That's crazy.

Thank you.

You're not capable of being supportive.

You're a petty and vindictive woman.

I am not petty and vindictive.

I... just can't stand it
when good things happen

to people I used to love.

You know the definition of insanity?

Yes, I know the definition of insanity!

I live with you!

Christy, eventually you're
gonna do the right thing.

I disagree.

I choose the dark side.

Come here.

It's not fair.

I know.

I spent all those years
trying to mold that pot-addled

lump of clay,
and now Candace gets the reward.

Sweetie, look at me.

Lest we forget, the reward is Baxter.

Mom, if you love me, let me hate.

Nice.

- Nice place.
- Candace has a pool.

Oh, don't you pee in it.

Unless you have to.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Candace.

I'm so glad you changed your mind
about Roscoe spending time with us.

Yeah, well, it works out for everybody.

He gets to be with his dad,
and I get a little me time.

Hey, you made it.

Can we go swimming?

The pool is heated,
and the spa's all toasty.

Go put your suit on.

Okay, sweetie, love you!

Bye!

Ah, he waved.

You didn't see it.

Okay, see you later.

Bye.

Wait.

I need to apologize to you guys.

I shouldn't have kept
Roscoe from staying here.

You seem very nice.

And, um...

I'm happy you found each other.

Well, credit where it's due.

None of this happens
if you hadn't thrown me away.

You know what they say.

One person's trash is another person's...

Car salesman.

Don't worry.

I'm gonna take great care
of your son while he's with us.

I know. Thanks.

Candace fixed up the guest room.

He's got his own TV, video games...

Ooh, and a closet
that he can use as a closet.

That's a good one.

Okay.

I'll, uh... see you in a couple days.

Okay, bye.

"Closet he can use as a closet"!

Yeah.

I think I owe you another apology.