Mom (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - Patient Zero and the Chocolate Fountain - full transcript

Bonnie and Christy's contentious relationship makes them unwelcome everywhere they go.

Previously on Mom... (Phone vibrates)

Hello?

BONNIE: Christy.

Where are you?

Uh... uh...

I'm jail

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Yeah, just got a DUI.

How could you let me spend a night in jail?

How could you lie to me
about getting loaded again?!



It's not my fault.

I was prescribed those painkillers.

I am the victim here.

How'd you blow a one-one
on the Breathalyzer?

Easy, I was drinking to forget
was hooked on painkillers.

I really appreciate you coming with me.

Hey, it's like the old days,

except you didn't have to write me a note

to get me out of school.

Do you think your lawyer
friend knows what he's doing?

He's had three DUls himself,
and he's not in jail, so yeah.

Good news.

I took a whiz next to the
judge... he doesn't remember me.

Also he's doing this for free.



So, listen, I spoke to the
D.A. and got the charges reduced

from DUI to reckless driving,

which means you can get your license back,

and you only have to do 20
hours of community service.

- 20 hours?
- Mm.

Can't you go back to the men's
room and get it down to ten?

Hey, I'm a two-bit lawyer,
not a two-bit whore.

Some might call that "potato-potato."

Trust me, this is a good deal.

All you have to do is tell
the judge you're very sorry,

and it'll never happen again.

But when do I get a chance
to tell my side of the story?

Here's what you do: go down to the park,

find a homeless guy, give him a sandwich,

and while he's eating, tell
him your side of the story.

You're not taking me seriously.

No fooling you.

- Mom, just do what he says.
- But the thing is...

Here comes the thing...
She always has a thing.

The thing is, I was
prescribed those painkillers.

Mom, Mom.

"I'm very sorry. It
will never happen again."

Okay, okay.

- Bonnie Plunkett?
- Here we go.

Present, Your Honor.

Miss Plunkett, I see here
that you are pleading guilty

to the lesser charge of reckless driving.

That's correct, Your Honor.

Is there anything you have
to say before I sentence you?

I'm very sorry, and it
will never happen again.

But the thing is...

Son of a bitch.

I was prescribed
highly-addictive painkillers

for a back injury,

so in a way,

I am the victim of Big Pharma.

Say good-bye to your mother.

How was school today?

Fine.

How was court?

You told him?

Why not? I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Yes, you do.

It's not Grandma's
fault, it's a big farmer.

Big Pharma.

That's what I said.

Let's (clears throat) change the subject.

How'd you do on your math test?

- I got a hundred.
- Way to go!

That's also how many hours
Grandma has to pick up trash

on the side of the highway.

- I thought we were changing the subject.
- You're right.

Grandma also lost her driver's license.

Did you check under the couch?

I find lots of stuff under there.

- Why don't you go look?
- Okay.

All right, let's have it.

You had to give a speech.

You couldn't have just said,

"I'm sorry. It'll never happen again."

Now I have to do all the grocery shopping,

all the errands.

I have to drive and
pick him up from school.

I can't count on you for anything.

Hey, to be fair, I don't
really do much around here now.

Hey, I make the jokes
about how much you suck.

ROSCOE: I found 37 cents!

Give it to Grandma;
she'll need it for the bus!

That's one of my jokes.

Hi, I'm Regina. I'm an alcoholic.

OTHERS: Hi, Regina.

I just want to say real quick

how much gratitude is in my heart.

When I woke up this morning,

I opened my eyes, still
thinking I was in jail.

But I was in a king-sized bed
in a million-dollar mansion,

and I knew I had one person to thank.

Jesus Christ.

Maybe you should thank the person

who bought the bed and the mansion.

You mean your ex-husband?

That's all I got.

Thank you.

(applause)

Okay, who'd like to go next?

I'll go.

Hi, I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.

OTHERS: Hi, Bonnie.

Today, I have five days sober.

What, no applause?

Brrr, chilly.

It's not easy to say this,

but I lied to you guys a lot.

Even about stuff I didn't have to.

And I'm not proud about that.

I mean, I'm proud of how
well-crafted the lies were,

because, you know, doing
anything well is its own reward,

but your trust

means a lot to me, and I'm very sorry.

It'll never happen again.

"But the thing is... "

But the thing is...

it's not all my fault.

I mean, the doctors, the
pharmaceutical companies,

the rehab centers...
They're all in cahoots.

I would not be surprised
if my injury was the result

of showering in a bathtub

that was purposely
designed to make you fall.

I don't mean to sound paranoid,

but we might be looking at a giant

pharmaceutical-medical-plumbing
conspiracy.

Are we allowed to boo?

Anyway, that's it.

Put those daisy stickers down
in your tub, otherwise they win.

Okay, who else would like to share?

I would.

Hi, I'm Christy.

I'm an alcoholic.

OTHERS: Hi, Christy.

I just want to say how
grateful I am to this program,

because without it, I would
have murdered my mother.

And, you know, people toss
around the word "murder"

all too easy these days...

but I really mean it.

Thank you.

(applause)

Okay, anybody else?

I'll go.

Hi, Marjorie, alcoholic.

OTHERS: Hi, Marjorie.

Well, as many of you know,

I've been battling cancer
for the past 18 months,

and today I went to my oncologist

to get the results of my latest scan.

And I'm happy to report
that I'm cancer-free.

(gasping)

(cheering)

All right, let's just you and
me put aside our differences

and make tonight about
celebrating Marjorie's recovery.

Hey, I'm not the one
seething with resentment.

Quite true... You're too busy creating it.

You're a carrier.

You're patient zero of
the human resentment virus.

I'm confused.

Are we setting aside our
differences, or aren't we?

We are.

- Truce?
- Truce.

There she is.

Our little miracle.

MARJORIE: Thanks, guys.

So now that you're cancer-free,
got any exciting plans?

Well, I guess there's no reason

to put off painting the porch anymore.

I could do that for you.

Really?

Aw, thanks, Bonnie.

That doesn't count as
community service, Mom.

I'm doing it out of friendship.

And if she signs the forms, yes, it does.

So, how long will it take
for your hair to grow back?

This is my hair.

Looks great.

(crying)

Wendy, why are you crying?

I made a deal with God
that if he let you live,

I'd spend the rest of
my life helping the poor.

Oh, honey, why is that sad?

I don't want to do it.

Everybody stop looking at me.

How about a toast to Marjorie?

We don't have drinks yet.

Fake it.

Come on, everybody, let's pretend.

Marjorie, you are the most
amazing woman I've ever known.

(Bonnie clears throat)

Did you really think you
were in the running for that?

Even when you were sick,
you were always our rock.

And I just want you to know,

we all love you, and...

we're so happy

you're gonna stick around with us

for a long, long time.

- Hear, hear.
- (All) Cheers.

I pretended there was alcohol in mine.

Now that you're on the other side of this,

you should travel, see the world.

Well, as a matter of fact,
I'm gonna do just that.

My fella wants to take me on a cruise.

Ugh, those cruise ships are awful.

Nobody really cares what you think.

She just got healthy.

Those things are like
floating petri dishes.

Stop telling people
how to live their lives,

when you can't even figure
out how to live your own life.

I live my life just fine.

Really?

52-year-old woman without
a driver's license,

wearing an orange vest, picking up garbage

on the side of the road.

Yeah, you knocked your
life out of the park.

BONNIE: Oh, oh.

Okay, so you with the two kids
and the two different dads,

drops out of high school,
fails at stripping.

I mean, seriously, who fails at stripping?

It's taking off your clothes.

Oh, yeah? You want to bet which
one of us has a better life?

I'm sure you do... you're the
one with a cookie commitment

at Gamblers Anonymous.

What the hell was that?

That's me throwing my imaginary drink

in your face.

Ooh.

Stop it!

Both of you, just shut up.

You're ruining my remission.

FYI, our truce is over.

That was a truce?

(line beeps)

Hi, Marjorie, it's me.

Maybe you're still asleep.

Anyway, I just wanted to
apologize for last night.

I'm so happy you're healthy.

That is the greatest news.

And please know I don't
expect you to take sides

in this thing between me and my mother.

But... you get what's going on.

Morning.

Mm-hmm.

Who were you talking to so early?

Marjorie.

She and I are good.

Mm-hmm.

Seriously?

I might have liked a second cup.

I might have liked my youth
uninterrupted by childbirth.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to pick up dirty diapers,

used condoms and Big
Gulps filled with urine.

And whose fault is that, Mom?

I'm assuming long-haul truckers.

It's never you, is it?

I have never peed in a cup

unless it was ordered by the court.

Before you go,

tonight's the night
we're supposed to go over

to Violet and Gregory's for dinner.

- That's tonight?
- Yeah.

Do we both have to go?
And by that, I mean you.

I am her mother.

Yes, but I'm the one she likes.

Okay, look.

This is a big night for Violet.

Let's you and I put our differences aside

and make it a good experience for her.

I can do that. Can you?

You couldn't do it last night.

Oh, so last night was my fault?

Marjorie thinks so.

Let me tell you something, Blondie.

I may have made mistakes
in my life, but you...

You sit there on your high
horse judging everybody.

Not everybody, Mom. Just you.

Wow, how did you become a
person with so little compassion?

Easy.

I spent my formative years

with the most self-obsessed
woman on Earth.

Oh, please, I barely saw
you when you were growing up.

Oh, my God!

Do you hear the words
coming out of your mouth?!

I-I know our neighbors can.

All I said was

if Gregory's mother
comes to live with them,

they can say good-bye to sex!

They're getting married!

They can say good-bye to sex either way!

I am so sorry about...

Uh, y-you don't have to keep apologizing.

Mother-daughter relationships
are often quite challenging.

Challenging?

Does your mom have a rap
sheet in California, Arizona,

West Virginia and... I am not
making this up... Micronesia?

Um, n-not that I know of.

Listen, we're so glad you two could

join us tonight.

Violet worked very hard on preparing

a traditional Shabbat dinner.

- Shabbat?
- It's Jewish for Friday.

Right?

C-Close enough.

The reason we asked you to come over,

other than the joy of
getting to know you better,

is, uh...

Violet has some news.

You're pregnant?

Why do you always jump to that?

Oh, like you weren't thinking it.

Of course I was!

But unlike you, I don't
vomit out the first words

that pop into my drug-addled brain!

Hey!

Clean and sober six days.

Mazel tov.

I made the dean's list.

And I hate you both.

Excuse me.

20 years of therapy,

and all it took was an
hour and a half with you two

to make me love my mother.

He certainly has a lovely condo.

Yeah.

Shame we'll never see it again.

Is there any chance you and I can

clean the slate and start over?

I'd like that.

Yeah.

(sighs) Good.

Me, too.

How is this gonna work?

Well, uh...

first, I'd say we stop
beating each other up

for what's in the past.

(groans)

That's a tough one.

I really enjoy that.

I know.

What are we gonna talk about?

Beats me.

That "shabit" dinner was kind of weird.

Not "shabit."

Shabbat.

I'm pretty sure it's "shabit."

Well, whatever you call it,

the carrots were the only thing
on my plate that I recognized.

See? We don't have to pick on each other,

we can pick on other people.

Sure can.

(laughs)

You think we should circle back

to Violet and Gregory's and apologize?

I don't know.

I think we should give them both
a little time to stop crying.

What do you say we stop by Marjorie's

and apologize for ruining
the celebration last night?

Yeah, definitely.

Love you, Mom.

Love you, daughter.

(chuckles)

What?

I can't think of anything to
say to you that's not mean.

I'm really proud of us for
making this apology to Marjorie.

It's smart, too... we may have
to borrow money from her someday.

(music playing inside)

♪ We got married in a fever ♪

♪ Hotter than a pepper sprout ♪

♪ We've been talking 'bout Jackson ♪

- Yeah!
- ♪ Ever since the fire went out ♪

♪ Well, I'm going to Jackson... ♪

How could they throw a party without us?

I don't know. Maybe it
was a last-minute thing?

What kind of a last-minute
thing has a chocolate fountain?

♪ Look out, Jackson town... ♪

(sighs)

My heart is literally breaking.

Mine, too.

I guess we brought this on ourselves, huh?

We haven't been much fun to be around.

It's not you, it's me.

No, it's me.

Okay.

I'm the one who fell off the wagon

and was too frightened to ask for help.

I'm the one who lied to everybody.

I'm the one who got the DUI
and blamed everybody but myself.

Big Pharma didn't do this.

Big Bonnie did.

Glad to hear you say that.

Don't give up on me, Christy.

I am going to be the kind
of mother you deserve.

I would never give up on you.

Oh, baby.

I love you.

Love you, too.

(loud crash)

What did you do?!

You hugged me!

Well, you're still supposed
to look at the road!

You could have waited till a red light!

- Oh, so this is my fault?!
- Of course it's your fault!

Great party, Marjorie.

Aw, wasn't it?

Thanks so much for going
to all this trouble.

No trouble.

Yeah, we were happy to do it for you.

Kind of surprised Christy
and Bonnie didn't come.

Me, too.

You invited them, right?

Wendy was supposed to call them.

No, you told me to call everybody

at the Tuesday night meeting,
and don't forget the nuts.

The nuts were Bonnie and Christy.

CHRISTY: Hope you're happy.

BONNIE: Don't start with me.

CHRISTY: How am I supposed to get
to work, take Roscoe to school?

BONNIE: Use my car.

CHRISTY: Your car is in an impound lot.

BONNIE: So we'll go get it.

CHRISTY: With what money?

BONNIE: Fine, I'll make some money!

Anybody here want to have
sex with me and my daughter?!

I was joking.

Yeah, real funny.

You have any idea where we are?

Nope.

Well, maybe we should call
someone to come get us.

Who are we gonna call, Mom?!

Who? Who?!

Truce?

Never!

You and I are at war until the end of time.

Come on.

Yeah, fine, truce.

It's what I do.