Mom (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Cheeseburger Salad and Jazz - full transcript

Previously on Mom...

Alvin and I were in love

35 years ago,

and we were in love the day he died.

Are you done?

Not yet.

Now I'm done.

Christy, start the car.

So, I'm trying to say all the
right things to this woman,

you know, be courteous,
but God as my witness,

her baby was the ugliest
creature I've seen in my life.



I mean, they say all
babies are beautiful,

but this kid could be used in the
hospital to induce vomiting.

Ooh, I almost forgot.

Remember how I told you

your boys came through
with a big check for us?

Well, we spent the last of it yesterday

paying off the credit cards.

We're no longer poor and in debt.

We're just poor.

Which, as you know, is
the new middle class.

(laughs)

Aw, this is nice.

What are you looking at?

Your grandmother went



into Alvin's old apartment,
like, an hour ago.

- Yeah. So?
- Don't you think that's a little weird?

She's the building manager.

Maybe she's fixing something in there.

Have you met your grandmother?

Big Bird's walkin'.

Hey.

Hey! Where you been?

Apartment upstairs.

Upstairs, you say?

(clears her throat) Which apartment?

2G.

Joanne Wickie?

Wickie's 3B.

- Who's 2G?
- Dieter.

- Black body builder?
- Gay flight attendant.

What was the problem?

Door was jammed.

You were up there a long time.

He's got boyfriend trouble, and
he wanted to talk about it.

What kind of trouble?

You really want to know?

I really do.

Okay. Dieter travels a lot,

and his boyfriend wants to
settle down and have kids.

He even found a surrogate...

a Mormon school teacher from Fresno...

but I think the real issue is,

Dieter's not sure what
kind of dad he'd be

'cause he had such a
traumatic childhood.

Anything else?

No. That covers it.

Mm. Okay, I'm gonna
go take a shower.

Did Dieter paint your nails?

And waxed my lip.

Incredible.

Wow.

I thought I was a good liar.

Oh, honey, you're not even the
second-best in this house.

1A, 1A, 1A...

Here we go.

Oh, my mommy's broken.

(sighing): Oh...

How was your shower?

It was okay.

I keep slipping in there.

We need to put down a
rubber mat or something.

Wouldn't be a problem if you
scrubbed more and rubbed less.

Says the woman who named
the pulsating shower head.

I should never have
told you about Joey.

Ready to go to sleep?

Mm, let's call it.

(sighs, groans)

Remember when us sharing
a bed was weird?

Don't kid yourself.

It's still weird.

Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Sure.

How you doing with Alvin being gone?

'Cause I'm still struggling.

I'm okay.

Really?

I'm a mess.

A lot of nights, I can't sleep.

You know what might relax you?

Have a little visit with Joey.

No, I think I need
to see a professional.

I was thinking that therapist

at the free clinic who helped Violet.

Helped her how?

She's mean as a snake.

She has her good moments.

Wow. If you're in that much denial,

you really do need a shrink.

Hey, would you maybe be
interested in going with me?

You know, for moral support?

Sure, be happy to.

Thanks.

And while we're in there, you
should certainly feel free

to talk about anything that
might be bothering you.

I'm good, thanks.

Okay.

'Cause you know, what was...

You know, being chatty
in bed might be why

you can't hold on to a man.

So, it's good to see you both again.

Good to see you, too.

Your therapist drinks chocolate milk?

He's a growing boy.

So what's been going on?

Go ahead, honey. It's okay.

Thank you.

She's nuts.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, but you need help.

- Help with what?
- I saw it. I saw the shrine!

- You know about that?
- Why do you think we're here?

You said you were struggling.

I am, but not enough
to talk to this clown.

So, you lied to me?

If I told you the truth,
would you have come?

And spend an hour with
Howdy Doody? Not a chance.

Help me out here, Doc.

After my father died, she got
into a fight with his widow,

broke into this woman's
house, stole his ashes,

and now she's built a shrine
in his empty apartment.

And how does that make you feel?

Forget how I feel.

Ask her how she feels.

How do you feel, Bonnie?

I miss the man,

and it's very comforting
to surround myself

with things that remind me of him.

That's nice.

Nice?

There's candles and incense

and a half-used stick of deodorant.

The smell reminds me of him.

I totally get it.

I have one of my nana's
nightgowns in my closet.

When did she pass?

Oh, she's not dead.

Okay, we're losing the thread here.

She is not dealing with
this death in a normal way.

What's normal, Christy?

Oh, for God's sakes.

You cry, you yell at God,

you do a lot of secret eating,
and then you move on.

Boy, I got to tell you,

“secret eating” is a real red flag.

Oh, yeah?

What color flag is Nana's nightgown.

You see how she lashes out?

I know what you're doing.

You two are in cahoots.

It's okay, baby.

We're getting you some help.

I'm gonna give you the number

of someone who can put
you on medication.

(shouting): You don't get it!

I'm not the crazy one!

Hey, what kind of medication?

You know, I got to admit,

I was pretty dubious
about that therapist,

but he really knows his stuff.

Oh, please.

His retainer fell out halfway
through the session.

So, you think you're gonna try

that art therapy he suggested?

I said it before, I'll say it again.

I am not the one with the problem!

Shh. Draw your feelings,
don't shout them.

I'm not shouting.

(loudly): This is shouting!

(thudding)

What the hell?!

I-I think you got a flat.

(sighs)

Great.

Way to go!

Please tell me you have a spare.

Course I do.

It's right there.

Who drives around without a spare?

People who blow all their
money feeding their children.

You're shouting again.

Finally.

Wow!

What?

The tow truck driver.

What about him?

Don't you see it?

He looks just like your father.

Oh, Mom, is this like
when you took peyote

and saw Jesus in a tortilla?

Are you the folks with the flat?

Yup. You got a spare?

Hey look, I have a growing
child who needs to eat,

so everybody just back off.

Don't mind her. She's in therapy.

I need to see a membership card.

Hang on.

Hi. Bonnie.

Hello.

And you are... Bill.

Yes, ma'am.

Call me “Bonnie.”

Call me “Bill.”

I sure will, Bill.

Does it have to be valid?

- Yup.
- Mm, let me look in the glove compartment.

So how long you been
driving a tow truck?

Tonight, or in general?

(laughs)

Is there a Mrs. Tow Truck?

Not yet.

Here you go.

All right. Be right back.

Hurry.

What are you doing?

Did you not see the
crazy chemistry we had?

I saw the crazy.

Christy, we didn't just
break down by accident.

I was meant to meet that man.

Okay, that's it.

Soon as the tire's changed,

we are driving back to the therapist,

and you are gonna tell him
about the tow truck driver

you're convinced is my dead father.

I never said he was your dead father.

Well, that's reassuring.

But with a little work, he could be.

You know, I've been
thinking about it, and

I decided that it's a good thing
that you're going on this date.

What changed your mind?

Who am I to say

that this tow truck driver
isn't right for you?

I mean, what do I know?

I'm in an exclusive relationship
with a shower head.

(muttering): Not that exclusive.

When you think about it,

it's actually kind of a meet-cute.

We get a flat tire, and...

you meet the man

who looks like the man who
died between your legs.

I'm glad you feel that way.

Yeah, me too.

Except I don't.

This is how I feel!

That is so going on the refrigerator.

Hello.

Hi, Bill. Come on in.

Whoa.

Fancy place.

You're kidding, right?

Why would I kid about
something like that?

Look at all these windows.

I should tell you that my
mom doesn't drink alcohol.

Okay.

I got a bag of oranges in the truck.

I suppose I could give her that.

What gal doesn't want
a bag of oranges?

I should also tell you that,
uh, she just lost my dad.

Well, that's too bad.

Yeah, it is. But, um, here's
what you need to know:

She's still pretty raw about it.

Hmm. So I got a grieving
woman who doesn't drink.

Yeah.

Well, looks like my sense of humor's

gonna come in handy.

Hello, Bill.

Hello.

Oh, the hooch ain't for you.

All right.

Ready to go?

You bet.

Good night, dear.

So a guy's in bed with
a one-legged hooker...

Wait, she's got one eye.

And the thing is she's keeping an...

- Your usual, Bill?
- Thank you, honey.

Mm-hmm. Know what you want?

Might need a minute.

FYI, people come here
for our chicken wings.

Yeah, I don't think that's why.

Tell you what, just give
me the cheeseburger salad.

Oh, a health nut.

I take it you're a regular here.

Well, the food's nothing
to write home about,

but every girl that works here,

they have the big boobies.

Well, your bumper sticker does
say, “I honk for honkers.”

So, your daughter says your
husband recently passed.

We actually weren't married, but, yes.

Well, condolences.

Thank you.

Was it a car crash? Maybe I towed him.

Sorry. Heart attack.

Aw. Sad either way.

You ever think about letting
the hair around the sides

grow out a little?

- Would you like that?
- I would.

I'm growing it now.

Great.

You know what else would
look good on you,

a-a leather jacket.

Ooh, I'll buy one tomorrow. Brown?

Black. Oh, and you like jazz now.

Hmm.

Sort of sounds like
you're trying to turn me

into some other guy.

You have a problem with that?

Well, it depends.

This “other guy...”

would you sleep with him?

Hey.

Hey.

What you doing?

Mm... paying bills.

I'm embarrassed to tell you how
much we owe the water company.

I think I'm gonna have
to break up with Joey.

Want an orange?

No, thank you.

How'd it go?

So far, so good.

We're taking it slow.

Well, that's a relief.

I don't want to rush into anything.

Very smart.

When are you gonna see him again?

Tomorrow. I'm helping him move

into Alvin's old apartment.

What?

Well, someone's got to rent it.

And as I told Bill,

there comes a time in every man's life

when he needs to move out
of his mother's house.

Oh, my God, that's so pathetic.

He lives with his mother?

You live with yours.

This isn't about me.

This is about you not
dealing with Alvin's death,

and I can't believe you don't see it!

And yes... this is pathetic as well!

Let's talk about the tongue.

You're not trying to lick an envelope.

Yeah.

It's more like a dance.

Okay, let me try it again.

Mm... a slow dance.

Hey, how come you're not
wearing the cologne I got you?

- I didn't like it.
- Well, it's not for you. It's for me.

Well, why don't you wear it?

Okay, I think we're done for tonight.

Aw, fudge!

Don't get discouraged.

You're doing great.

You're just saying that.

Bup-bup-bup. Don't do the sad puppy.

Nobody sleeps with the sad puppy.

- Sorry.
- And don't apologize.

It's okay, every once in a while,
for you just to tell me off.

All right. I've had it with
you bossing me around!

- Not now!
- Sorry.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh...

Oh, God. I made him
sign a two-year lease?

Well, maybe he'll die, too.

This is a very upsetting picture.

It's a way for Mommy to
express what's inside of her.

- (knocking on door)
- BONNIE: I'll get it.

This is inside of you?

It's Bill. Tell him I'm not here.

What? Why?

I made a mistake.

He's not the guy I thought he was.

(knocking on door)

You think maybe because the guy

you thought he was is dead?

Hey, that is totally unc...

You know what, maybe you're right.

ROSCOE: Thank you.

Oh. Hey, Bill.

Lookin' good.

I know.

Is your mom home?

No, she is not. Isn't that her coat?

Oh, um, no.

That's mine.

Really? I'm pretty sure

she was wearing it the other night.

No, no, no. No. This is, uh...

Looks a little big.

This is how they wear them in Europe.

Bonjour.

Can I give her a message?

Yeah, just tell her I need to talk.

You got it.

(sighs wearily)

The things that I do...

Thanks.

You're welcome.

- What happened to you?
- You're what happened to me.

What did he want?

I don't know. He wanted to talk to you.

Oh, God!

I have a feeling he's gonna
ask me to marry him.

Why would you think that?

Come on.

Sure. What monkey doesn't
want to climb that tree?

So what's the plan?

I don't know.

Before I got sober, it'd
be easy to get rid of him.

Just plant some drugs in his
car and make a phone call.

But now I have a conscience.

That's what you call it, right?

I guess.

(sighs) I must've been crazy

to drag him into my life.

Aha! You finally admit it.

Okay.

I miss Alvin more than I can bear.

You happy?

No.

But it'd be nice if you
told the therapist.

I'm not the one with the problem.

Wow. You are desperate for approval.

I guess I better go cut Bill loose.

Guess you better.

How would you feel about comin' with me?

That's what I thought.

Oh. Hey, Bonnie.

Glad you stopped by.

Well, stick a pin in
“glad.” We need to talk.

WOMAN: Who's at the door, baby?

It's my ex-girlfriend.

Hi, Cheeseburger Salad.

You gotta be kidding me.

Yeah, I tried to tell you earlier,

but you were avoiding me.

Well, I didn't want
to break your heart.

That's ironical.

I'm sorry, Bonnie. I just...

I couldn't be the guy
you wanted me to be.

You know what, Bill?

Nobody could.

On the bright side, thanks
to you sprucing me up,

Selene here finally took notice.

I love the leather jacket.

Terrific.

She's also the nice lady
that taught me how to kiss.

- Oh, did you also teach him...
- No, no, no, no.

Just kissing.

Okay, well, I hope you'll be very happy.

How can I not be?

Look at these boobies.

All right, I-I'm gonna go now.

Hey, Bonnie?

Are we good?

Yeah, of course we're good.

Screw it. I'm putting drugs in his car.

How'd it go?

How do you think?

He was devastated.

- Oh. Sorry.
- Yeah.

(sighs, sputters)

Good thing he has that hot
chick to comfort him.

(yells)

I forgot to tell you... I ran
into Bill's new lady friend

in the laundry room the other day.

Oh, yeah? What'd you think?

She made me feel like a boy.

That's nothing. She made
me feel like a lesbian.

But you're doing okay though, right?

I'm fine. Just got to learn
to process my grief over Alvin

and move on.

Good for you.

This seat taken?

It is now.

Lenny.

Bonnie.

I got a good feeling about this one.