Mom (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - A Small Nervous Breakdown and a Misplaced Fork - full transcript

Previously on Mom...

I just found out my teenage
daughter is pregnant.

Really? Wow.

She's not a cheerleader
with an overbite, is she?

- No, why?
- No reason.

I love you and
I'm gonna love your baby.

- It's our baby.
- What?

I'm sorry, I got a lot on my mind.

Well, I'm a good listener.
A penny for your thoughts?

Okay, fine. How's this?

I'm working my ass off
so I can take care of my children,



I just found out I'm gonna
be a freaking grandma,

and the man that I'm sleeping with

only has time for me when
his wife is out of town,

and I desperately want
to run away from it all

with a bottle of this, but I can't

because my name is Christy
and I'm an alcoholic.

Hola, Christy.

Are we ready to order?

- Yeah, I think so. Sis?
- You go first.

Thanks for putting me on the spot.

My sister does this to me all the time.

- Okay.
- Family, huh?

- Yep.
- Yeah.

Okay, let's see.
I would like the scallop risotto



since I am not allergic to shellfish,
unlike my sister.

Idiot.

- Good choice.
- Thanks, yeah.

We're celebrating her divorce.
Now we're both single.

Oh, that's nice.

I hope my son and daughter
can be there for each other

when their spouses
inevitably turn on them.

Oh, you have children.
I love children.

I-I believe they're our future.

So, how about you?

Do, do you have
a spouse who turned on you?

Oh, yeah, lot of hard feelings.

- Ah, terrific.
- Wow.

Can I grab you for just a sec?

I'll be right back.

He probably needs me to open up
a jar of pickles or something.

Ooh.

Okay, well, bye.

- Was that guy hitting on you?
- Yeah, he absolutely was.

Thought so.
I'll ask Richard to take the table.

- Why?
- I don't want him bothering you.

He's not.
Is he bothering you?

No, I'm just protective of you
'cause you and I have,

you know, something special going on.

Yeah, it's called adultery.

Why do you make it
sound so cheap and ugly?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Unicorns, rainbows,
you're cheating on your wife.

I told you they were doing it.

And another thing...

you have no right to tell me
who I can and cannot see.

What are you saying?
We're not monogamous?

- Gabriel, you're married.
- We do it once a month,

and I don't even take off my T-shirt.

Let me make it simple for you.

All of this stuff here is in play.

Oh, that's good thinking.
Uh, Gabriel,

Paul and I would like
you to give us money

not to tell your wife
you're banging Christy.

A lot of money.

Hey, sis, look who's back.

Give it a rest.
So, what's the deal with your brother?

Good guy, whack job?
Give it to me straight.

I'm a single mom and I
don't have a lot of time.

He's amazing.

I'd go out with him, you know,
if it didn't make us hillbillies.

All right. I'll write my
phone number on the check.

Hold on a second.

What makes you think I was
even trying to ask you out?

You weren't?

Oh, uh, this is, this is awkward.
Let me get you a new server.

Wait, now,
I was just trying to be cool!

Mission accomplished!

1x03 - A Small Nervous Meltdown
and a Misplaced Fork

This is a cute top.

Oh, that's actually a party
dress from my drinking days.

Wow.
Were you drinking when you bought it?

I hope so.
Anyway, it doesn't matter,

I'm not that kind of girl anymore.

Hello. What kind of girl
were you when you wore this?

Popular.

Oh, my God, I hate
everything in my closet!

It all looks like
Halloween in Slutsylvania.

Calm down, we'll find something.

Okay, so tell me about this guy tonight.

I don't know.

Cute, kind of boyish...
pretty normal really.

You just described every serial killer.

No! He loves his sister,
which I take as a good sign.

Boing, my gay-dar just went off.

He's not gay.
He puts ketchup on his steak.

I don't get
what you're so jittery about.

- You know how to do this.
- I know how to do this drunk.

Come on, you've been dating
your boss since you got sober.

You can't call what we do dating.

It's just sex in uncomfortable places.

- I hope you mean broom closets.
- Yes.

Oh, Mom, God!

The point is, Gabriel's married,
so there's no future with him.

But this guy tonight, who knows?

We could wind up with
a little house, picket fence,

missionary sex twice a week.

You know, I had sex
with a missionary once

and oddly he was not
a fan of that position.

Thank you for that image.

I'm just worried that if he
finds out the kind of person

- I was, he won't like me.
- Oh, honey.

- I know, it's silly.
- It's not silly...

you should definitely
lie about your past.

- What?
- Yeah, sometimes I like

to tell guys I'm Carole Anne Stevenson

from Albuquerque, New Mexico.

- You're kidding.
- Nope, Carole's a schoolteacher

like her mother and her Aunt Judy.
She loves baking and gardening

and volunteering down
at the homeless shelter.

Now tell me about this.

That's actually yours.

Are you taking the prenatal
vitamins we got you?

Uh-huh.

- Did you stop smoking pot and drinking?
- Of course.

Don't bite my head off.
Not everybody does.

Thanks for looking after Roscoe tonight.

Yeah, whatever.
You're really wearing that on a date?

What's wrong with it?

You look like a slutty highlighter.

You know what?

I think I look great,
and that's all that matters.

Where are you going?

Where do you think?
To change!

- Why are you being such a bitch?
- I'm just being honest.

Good, I'll be honest, too.
You're being a bitch.

And I use that word instead
of the word I want to use

because you're my
granddaughter and I love you.

What, so I'm supposed
to make a big deal

just because she's going
out with some random guy?

Excuse me, young lady,
but your mother going out

with some random guy is
the only reason you exist.

And I'll tell you
another thing...

if she doesn't meet somebody,
she's going to turn into one of those

crazy old ladies with 20 cats
who lives with their daughter.

You're going to be chasing
her down the street,

trying to pin her robe shut.

- Better?
- Ugh.

Damn it.

- Mom, wait.
- What?

Why don't you try on that
black dress in my closet?

- I think it'll look cute on you.
- Thank you.

Well, look at you being a nice person.
I'll tell you what.

As a reward, why don't you
go out with Luke tonight

- and I'll watch Roscoe?
- You don't have plans?

Nah, at my age, when you've
had sex in the afternoon,

you're good for the whole day.

If our waitress is cute,

it's totally okay to say
I'm your sister.

No, I'm good.
Have you ever eaten here before?

No, I haven't.

- How about you?
- No.

Ah, look at us.
We already have something in common.

Yeah.

- So, what do you do?
- Oh, yeah, I'm, I'm a civil engineer.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

I have no idea why I said wow
'cause I don't know what that is.

Oh, okay, uh,
well, today, for instance,

the city decided that it
needed a new stoplight,

so it's my job to go
over all the contracts

with the stoplight manufacturers
and just get the best price...

for the s-stoplight.

That sounds crazy.

- No, it's pretty boring.
- No, no, no, it's not.

From now on, every time
I stop at a red light,

- I'll think of you.
- Oh, so th-that'll be often.

Not really, I tend to just
blow right through 'em.

Good evening, folks.

Can I start you off with
a cocktail or some wine?

- Yes, would you like a drink?
- No, thank you.

Ah, come on, live a little.

Oh, you can live a
little for both of us.

No, don't be silly.
Glass of wine never hurt anyone.

Oh, boy.

I don't drink...

not because I don't want to
but because I can't.

It wrecked my life, it
destroyed my relationships,

and I'm still picking up the pieces,

but if you want a glass of wine,
you go right ahead.

Won't bother me at all.
I'm his sister.

So once I finally quit
drinking, I had all

these feelings come
up, and I didn't know

how to deal with them,
so I started eating.

Every night after work I'd come home,

I'd take a bag of
salt-and-vinegar potato chips,

I'd hit it with a book
so it was just crumbs,

and I'd mix it with
a pint of vanilla ice cream.

I gained 18 pounds in, like, a month.

Then in the middle of the night,
I woke up and I thought

I had a cat on my lap...
looked down

turns out it was my own stomach.

I don't think I can do this.

It's our first date. So...

Okay, you've got an
eight, and I give you...

a seven...
how many is that?

- Fifteen.
- Very good.

Now, the house is showing a face card.

- And you're the house.
- Yes, I am.

How much you want to bet?

- All of it.
- On a 15. Interesting.

Ooh! Another eight.
How many is that?

Twenty-three?

- But the name of the game is...?
- "Twenty-One."

Exactly.

Thanks for watching Roscoe.

- We'll see you later.
- Hey, hang on.

You listen to me, teen Jesus...

I want my granddaughter back by
11:00 with her hymen intact.

What?!

I'm just screwing with you.

You already knocked her up;
do whatever you want.

I know that was supposed to be funny,
but I peed myself a little.

Sorry, sir, only players at the table.

- I want to play more Blackjack.
- Okay. Ante up.

I can't.
I don't have any more money.

No money?
Or no money on you?

I have some in my piggy bank.

Well, it's not doing you
any good in there, is it?

Be right back.

Wait'll I teach him how to play Pai Gow.

Oh, God, I'm gonna die alone.

Please let it be now.

Open the door.

Damn it!

Hey.
Hope you're hungry, 'cause I...

- brought us dinner.
- What? How?

As I was chasing you
out of the restaurant,

- I bought a guy's to-go order.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- That's so adorable.

And/or... desperate.

Well, let's go with adorable.
'Cause I really want you to like me.

Okay, let's see
what we're having for dinner.

This looks like some kind of chicken.

- Ooh, I love some kind of chicken.
- Yeah? Okay, okay.

And I have a pasta...
looks like, uh, Bolognese.

Ooh, I like that, too!

- You want to switch?
- No, no, no.

- Well, yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.

Wow.
Uh-oh, no, there are no utensils.

Oh.
Check the glove compartment.

I eat in my car a lot.

Ooh.
Fancy.

Okay, time for bed.
I'll tell you what, just to show you

how much we appreciate your business,
we're gonna comp your room.

- Come on, just one more game.
- Well, sorry, buddy, but you're broke.

Well, um, how about
if you lend me five dollars

and I'll pay you back when I win?

Oh, sweetheart, you're gonna grow
up and make some nice lady so sad.

- How about if I sell you my iPod?
- That might work.

- Hey.
- What can I do for you, Baxter?

- Just came to see my kid.
- Hey, Dad, can you lend me some money?

That's so weird... I was
gonna ask you the same thing.

I'm gonna hang with you guys for a bit.

- Here's a question for you.
- Shoot.

What's wrong with you
that you would chase a crazy lady

out of a restaurant with
a bag of someone else's food?

Why does something have to be
wrong with me for me to like you?

Nice try. Answer the question.

No, seriously, I thought we
really made a connection in there.

Answer the question.

Okay, uh...

well, I did just get
out of a relationship.

That's what I'm talking about.
Tell me about it.

She-she was very nice. Sweet.
No drama. Um...

Her name wasn't Carol
Anne Stevenson, was it?

- Yeah, why?
- No reason. Continue.

Anyway, uh, she was great,
but in all the time we were

together, she never once
told me how she was feeling.

Whereas you, literally,
can't stop telling me.

I'm-I'm sorry. I feel terrible.

- See? You just did it again.
- Okay, but in my defense,

- I am emotionally all over the place.
- Oh, wow!

- There it is again.
- And I am dealing

with a number of personal crises

which you really don't
need to know about,

but I feel like I'm
gonna tell you anyway.

What is wrong with me?
Why can't I stop talking?

Well, that shut me up.

- Nice.
- Yeah. Now what?

- Now you get out of my car.
- Why? I love it in here.

I'm sorry.
This is good, you're good,

but I am clearly not
ready to start dating.

I wish I could disagree.

But I want you to know that when I am...
you are at the top of my list.

And the list isn't very long.
In fact, it's just you.

Great.

You're not as crazy
as you think you are.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Run.

What do you want to
do with that soft 19?

- I'll hold.
- Hold? What's that?

It means you have
a number you like,

and you're not gonna
take any more cards.

You can hold?

I'll get it.

I was never here!

You can hold?!

- Oh. Hi, is-is Christy here?
- Who might be asking?

- Um, I work with her.
- Oh. You must be her boss.

- I am.
- You leave your wife yet?

- No.
- Then I have no choice but to inform you

that she is out on a date
with a wealthy, educated,

eligible bachelor who's got
a cannon between his legs.

So her mom's not a fan.

..by focusing on the positive,

I attract only the best into my life.

By focusing on the positive...

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

- Uh, I think you broke my foot.
- Oh...

- And maybe my nose.
- Oh! Sorry, sorry.

Okay, don't-don't move.

- I'm gonna call an ambulance.
- No, wait!

My wife can't know I was here.

Okay, well, um, let's
get you in the car,

and I'll take you to the emergency room.

Ow! Ow! Careful.
Careful.

- It... it, uh, hurts pretty bad, huh?
- It's awful.

Well, then this probably isn't
a great time to say this, but...

um, I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

Wait, you're breaking up with me?

- Why?!
- Well, uh...

I found out something
about myself tonight.

Um...
I deserve to be in a relationship

with a man who...
I can hit with my car and...

you know...

not feel like I did something wrong.

Okay, uh...
I'm not sure what that means, but...

What?!

- What?
- There's a fork in ass!

- Knocky-knocky.
- Hi.

- How's your little boss?
- Oh, I broke his leg and his nose.

Admit it, it felt
pretty good, didn't it?

No! No, no, no.

A little bit.

- I got you a gift.
- Thanks. What's the occasion?

Well, I know you don't feel
ready to date for a while.

I thought this might put
a little spring in your step.

What is it?

Thank you.

- Do you mind finishing the dishes?
- My pleasure.

I am such a good mother.