Mom (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 20 - Clumsy Monkeys and a Tilted Uterus - full transcript

- Hey.
- Where you been?

At the mall.

Wanted to buy you
some pretty maternity clothes.

- And?
- There are none.

Here's a churro.

- What's all this?
- Mm.

The adoption agency sent over
some more profiles.

What about the two guys
you liked in San Francisco?

Yeah. I thought this was
gonna be their "gayby."

- They bailed.
- What happened?

They asked if alcoholism
runs in the family.



- Our bad.
- Sorry.

So, you find anyone else you like?

Yeah, lots of people.
Um, these are the yeses.

- And those are the nos?
- No.

Those just fell and I wasn't
able to pick them up.

Wow, all these people

trying so hard to have
a kid and they can't.

- It's not fair.
- Yeah, all I needed to have you

was a bottle of Jack, an eight
ball and a Supertramp album.

Aw... I can never
hear that story enough.

So how's Luke doing?

He coming around
to the idea of adoption?

I don't know.
We're not talking.

I'm sorry.



I'm just hoping
once I find the perfect couple,

he'll realize that this is for the best.

Patty and Russell Callahan.
These people seem okay.

Nice house, nice car.
Uh-oh.

They got married at Disneyland.
Losers.

Ooh.
How about the Pattersons?

They're into fishing, hunting
and amateur taxidermy.

- Passeroo.
- Mindy and Manny Klein.

"We may be barren,
but we're really carin'."

- No, thank you.
- I'm kind of liking these people.

Jeff and Suzanne Taylor.
They look sweet.

There's just something
about this picture.

If I fell and scraped my knee,

I'd want this lady
to kiss my boo-boo.

She's an artist
and he designs video games.

Cute house.
Little log cabin-y, but...

Wait, that's their lake house.
Let's see the house house.

Oh, my God.

1x20 - Clumsy Monkeys and a Tilted Uterus

To be honest, I've been really
struggling the last couple of weeks.

My daughter's gonna
have a baby next month and...

Aw.

No, no, no.
She's giving it up for adoption.

Oh.

And that, right there,
is the hardest part.

Telling people.

Just today I ran into a friend
at the grocery store

and she was all,
"Oh, you must be so excited

about becoming a grandmother."

I had to go through the
whole thing with her.

I'm thinking of just
getting a T-shirt that says,

"we're not keeping it."

You know, a little picture of
a baby with a line through it.

Anyway, my daughter's being strong,

and I'm trying to be strong for her.

And my Mom's around.

Thank you.

We'll take a ten-minute break.

Help yourself to coffee and cookies.

Uh, hey... actually, just coffee.

I was in charge of the cookies
and the whole grandma thing

happened at the store and...
Sorry.

Hey.
Hi. Christy, right?

Yeah. Hi, um...

Ooh, I know that you're two
weeks sober and were touched

inappropriately by your babysitter,
but I don't remember your name.

- Steve.
- Steve! Right. Hi, Steve.

Um, this is my mother, Bonnie.

- Hello.
- Yeah, hi. Steve.

- I got it.
- So, listen.

Uh, just wanted to make you aware
that I practice family law,

and in the event that you're
looking for an adoption attorney

for your daughter, I'd
like to offer my services.

Thanks, but we're good.

We're just gonna let
the agency handle it.

Ooh, you don't want to do that.

Adoption agencies only
care about one thing:

placing the baby and getting their fee.

- What do you care about?
- Getting my fee.

- And you, of course!
- How much do you charge?

- Well, my hourly rate is $400...
- Whew.

- $250.
- Ha.

- $120.
- Whoo!

I can get my fee from
the adoptive parents.

- You're hired.
- Welcome to the team.

I don't understand.
Why do we need a lawyer?

Seriously?
You grew up in this family

and you're questioning
the need for a lawyer?

Okay.
Where'd you find this guy?

We, um...

...recently heard him
speak at a social event.

Oh, God, he's a drunk?

- He's not a drunk.
- Anymore.

- And he's free.
- Anyway, he says that

you have to get Luke
to sign his rights away

before the adoption can go forward.

How could I do that?
Luke's dead-set against it.

Hmm.
Would you mind if I talked to him?

Yes, I would.
Stay out of it.

Hey, I am just trying to help.

Believe me, I've got much
better things to do with my time.

Next, please.

- Hey, Luke.
- Oh, hi!

- Can we talk?
- I'm actually kind of busy now.

Okay, I'll order something.

How's the fried fish sandwich?

It's a lightly-breaded seafood treat.

I don't think it's really fish.

- Okay, then, I'll take a cheeseburger.
- One cheeseburger.

I need to talk to you
about the adoption.

Yeah, I don't want to talk about that.

- Would you like fries and a drink?
- Sure. Small Coke.

Look, I know what it's like
to have a baby at your age.

I struggled to make ends meet,
and I'm still struggling.

If you get the large Coke,
it's 50 cents cheaper

- and you get a free toy.
- Sounds great.

One Happy Slappy Meal.
Here or to go?

To go.
Anyway, Violet found this

wonderful couple who
really want to adopt a baby,

and they're coming
by the house tomorrow.

That's $4.28.

Why don't you just drop by

and meet them and see
what you think?

- I already know what I think.
- Come on, Luke.

Your order will be up in a minute.
Next, please.

Coincidence?
I think not.

Seriously?
That's my lawyer?

You get what you pay for, honey.

- Talk to him.
- Well, isn't that rude?

He seems to be in the
middle of a conversation.

Go.

- What's going on, Counselor?
- Nothing, everything's fine.

- You sure?
- No, I can't do it.

I've never practiced
law without being loaded.

My brain is very angry at me.

- We good here?
- I think he's detoxing.

Really?
You seemed fine at the meeting.

I was high as a kite at the meeting!

Okay, that's the Taylors.
Nobody be themselves.

- Luke.
- Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- I came to meet this couple.

How'd you even know?

Your mother showed up
at my job and told me.

I was in the mood for
a Happy Slappy Meal.

Thanks.

So you're okay with all this?

I don't know.
I'm just here to listen.

Knock, knock.

- Hi.
- You must be Violet.

- Uh, yes.
- I'm Suzanne. This is Jeff.

- I'm Jeff.
- Oh, please come in.

- Hello.
- This is my Mom Christy...

- Hi, it's nice to meet you.
- ...and my grandmother Bonnie.

- Nice to meet you.
- And that's Luke,

- the baby's father.
- Hello.

Hi.

Hey. Oh, um... sorry
about the sweaty hands,

I-I'm really nervous.

Me, too.

And, uh, this is our
attorney, Steve Curtis.

We can discuss my fee later.

Please, come, sit down.

- You have a lovely home.
- Not really, but thank you.

So...
you want to adopt a baby.

Yes, we do.

You're in luck.
We have one.

Quiet time.

I read a lot of profiles,
and yours really stuck out.

Oh, thanks.

Suzanne did the artwork,
and I wrote the copy.

She wanted to go with
the Helvetica font,

uh, but I insisted on Courier
to make it easier to read.

We compromised
with Times New Roman.

Honey, they don't want to hear that.

Why?
Everyone likes fonts.

I like fonts.

Wingdings are my favorite.

Do you have any questions
you would like to ask us?

- Why can't you have your own baby?
- Luke.

No, that's a fair question.

We tried to get pregnant for many
years. It just didn't work out.

She has a tilted uterus,
and I have a low sperm count.

It's like shooting blanks
into an empty canyon.

No matter how many
times we had intercourse,

nothing ever happened.

And we tried some
pretty weird positions.

Please go back to fonts.

- TMI?
- TMI.

So, your profile said
you design video games?

Yes, I design video games.

- Is that still too much?
- No, too little.

Um, do you know the game Clumsy Monkey?

No way.
I love Clumsy Monkey.

How do you get past level seven?

Oh.
That stumps everyone.

You have to get the monkey through

the China shop without
breaking anything.

But he's so clumsy.

- Try swinging from the chandelier.
- The chandelier. Of course!

Anyway, we just want you to
know that if you do choose us,

we will do everything
we can to give your baby

a great life and love him or
her with all of our hearts.

Hey, you're making the rest of
us look pretty bad here, sister.

- What do you think?
- I think you're really nice people,

and I hope you have your baby
someday, but not this one.

- Luke...
- I'm sorry, I can't.

No, Luke. Luke...

How am I doing?

- I'm really sorry.
- It's okay.

We've been through this before.

We had an adoption
fall through last year.

We walked the birth mother
through the whole pregnancy,

decorated a nursery,
were at the hospital

for the birth, and then
the mother changed her mind.

I actually tried using alcohol
to numb my pain.

Well, we certainly understand that.

- I just did not like how it made me feel.
- And you lost us.

I think that if you give Luke
a little more time, he'll come around.

I'm sorry, but we
already drove home once

with an empty baby seat
in the back of the car.

We can't go through that again.

- Let's go.
- It was really nice to meet you.

- It was nice meeting you.
- Good luck.

I better go check on Violet.

Why don't you get rid of him.

- What you doing?
- Tossing out all this college crap.

- Why?
- What do you mean, "Why?"

Because I'm not going.
I'll keep the baby,

and maybe when it's 16, 17
years old and hates my guts,

then I'll look at college.

Oh, they hate you sooner than that.

Come on.
Luke may still change his mind.

And just because we lost the Taylors

doesn't mean there's not
another great couple out there.

I wanted them.

You sure?
He's kind of weird.

Yeah, but he's cool weird.

Big Bang weird.

And she's, like, the best
mom you could ever ask for.

Okay, I'm just gonna let that go.

- You know what I mean.
- I do. And I'm letting it go.

- I'm so sorry.
- No, it's better this way.

Sorry to break this up, but
we've got a lawyer on the roof.

Here you go.
And enjoy your meal.

Excuse me, Christy.

Uh, a very young man is
asking for you at the bar.

I'm making up next week's schedule.

Should I put you on it,
or will you be going to jail?

What? No.
He's my daughter's boyfriend.

It's too bad. I was
in the mood to judge.

- What are you doing here?
- I need to talk.

- But I'm in the middle of my shift.
- Now you know how it feels.

Okay, what do you want?

I need some advice, and you're
the smartest person I know.

Oh, well, thanks,

and I'm sorry you
don't know more people.

The reason I don't
want to give the baby up

is 'cause I don't want to lose Violet.

Wait, you're fighting
this whole adoption thing

because you're afraid she'll dump you?

Well, yeah.
Violet's really smart.

Without the baby, she can go
to college and be somebody.

And I'm probably gonna be flipping
burgers for the rest of my life.

Oh, sweetie, that's the
wrong reason to keep the baby.

- What's the right reason?
- 'Cause you "want" a baby?

All I really want is Violet.

Look, I can't promise that the
two of you are gonna be together

for the rest of your
lives, but I can promise you

that if you use this
kid as a bargaining chip,

- you guys are done.
- You think?

You want to make sure that
she doesn't outgrow you?

Then for heaven's sake, grow up.

Make something of yourself.

My father's pushing me to
go to a Christian university

and become a preacher.

That's cool.
What's stopping you?

I only believe in God when I'm high.

All right, let's put a pin
in that and keep thinking.

- You're sure you're okay with all this?
- Yeah.

Okay, Steve, you're up.

Okay.

Easy.

Easy.

Here you go.

The Relinquishment of Parental Rights.
Sign here.

Proud of you. You did this
without alcohol or drugs.

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

We're doing the right thing, Luke.

- So what now?
- I have to file this at court.

- Can somebody give me a lift?
- You don't have a car?

I have a car.
I don't have a license.

- We'll drive you. Come on.
- Shotgun!

- Do you still love me?
- I never stopped loving you.

Smartest person I know.

Can I say something horrible?

Since when do you ask?

- I can't wait for this to be over.
- I know.

I'm trying to hold it
together for Violet,

but it's like I'm waiting and
waiting for my heart to break.

Yeah, this is the hardest
thing I've ever gone through.

And I was raised by you.

- Good one.
- It wasn't a joke.

I just keep telling myself
that my daughter's gonna have

a better life because of this decision.

College, maybe graduate school.

Yeah.
Why don't you go back to school?

Believe it or not, I've
been thinking about it.

That's terrific.
What do you want to do?

- Promise not to laugh?
- No.

Okay, well,
ever since I was a little girl,

I've wanted to be a lawyer.

Really?
What brought that about?

I don't know. Maybe
it had something to do

with watching the police
haul my mother off to jail

and wishing I could
do something about it.

So what I'm hearing is I inspired you.

- Yeah, that's it.
- Hey, maybe you can ask

Steve for some advice
as to how to get started.

You know, after he stops hallucinating.

I just might.

- Wow. This is exciting.
- Right?

Come here.

I am so proud of you.

- Thanks, Mom.
- To be honest,

I've always been a little embarrassed
you were a waitress.

I just want you to know
that you are always welcome

to be a part of this baby's life.
It's totally your call.

I would like that very much.

- I'd like it, too.
- Same for me.

Especially if we can
visit at your lake house.

Hey, so what are your
plans after high school?

I don't know.
Probably go to the beach...

- I think he means long-term.
- Oh. No idea.

How'd you like to come and work for me,

learn how to design video games?

- Seriously?
- Why not?

I was your age when I came
up with Clumsy Monkey.

That's so weird.
I was my age when I started playing it.

Then it's meant to be.

- Thanks.
- Oh, oh.

You want another kid,
just say the word.