Mom (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 19 - Toilet Wine and the Earl of Sandwich - full transcript

Previously on mom...

Alvin lester biletnikoff.

Who's that?

Your father.

Do you remember bonnie plunkett?

Bonnie.

I'm her daughter.

Oh, my god.

I'm your daughter.

Yeah, yeah, I got that.

I can't believe
they found you guilty.



I can. I stole $3 million.

Maybe they'll send you to one of
those swanky country club jails.

Get real. I'm a black woman

Who embezzled money
from white people.

I'm going to jail jail.

Someone's gonna buy my ass
for a kit kat bar.

Well, it's only fair.

Kit kat bars helped
build that thing.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To regina.

Great friend,

Sober sister
and convicted felon.

Tomorrow you'll be starting
your prison sentence,

But you'll always be
on parole in my heart.



My turn.

Regina, you embezzled
$3 million

From people who trusted you.

You shouldn't go to jail.

You should go to wall street.

To regina.

Regina.
Yeah.
To regina.

Hey, look who's here,

Taking advantage
of her employee discount.

Well, it's hard to
pass up 50% off.

It's ten percent.

Really?

Everybody
stop eating.

I'm kidding.

Uh, so, what's the occasion?
Somebody's birthday?

Um... No.

Oh. Uh, is it one
of your sober anniversaries?

I just ask 'cause you're the
only people in the restaurant

Drinking shirley temples
with shots of red bull.

No, it's just
a little bon voyage

For our friend regina.

Oh, wonderful.
Where are you going?

Chowchilla.

Ooh. Sounds fancy.

(laughs)

What's that,
a resort in the caribbean?

It's a women's prison
near modesto.

Ah.

To answer your next question,

I killed a nosey ma?tre d'.

Well, uh...

(laughs)

You go, girl.

Uh, bon app?tit.

Please tell me

That's not the married boss
you were sleeping with.

It is.

Oh. I pictured him hotter.

Why were you
picturing him at all?

I'm a lonely old woman with a
little cancer and a lot of cats.

What else am I doing?

All righty. Regina, I got you
a little going-away present.

Oh.
Oh, honey, you didn't
have to do that.

Ah, just
open it.

What the hell is that?

A metal file for your escape,

Or if, you know,
you need to shank somebody.

Thank you, baby.

And the cupcake's gluten-free,

'cause I know
that wheat makes you gassy.

Mmm.

I got you something, too.

Ooh. What's this?

(chuckles)

Seriously? Lube?

In case your cellmate
isn't big on foreplay.

Okay, and this is from me.

Oh.
Mm-hmm.

Oh, what a
beautiful journal.

Mm.

I thought you could use it to
chronicle your spiritual growth,

Or write poems, or maybe even
pen a novel about your journey.

I'm going to prison,
and you're giving me homework?

Lube's looking better
and better, isn't it?

Well, how are we doing tonight,
ladies?

Everything's
delicious.

Of course it is.

Hello, bonnie.

Rudy.
You're looking well.

Of course I am.

Are you seeing anyone?

Anyone but you.

All right, then.

Excuse me
while I go molest your dessert.

That's the chef
you were fooling around with?

It is, indeed.

Oh. I pictured him taller.

Stop picturing.

I should be back
in time for dinner.

Till then, violet's in charge.

Where you going?

Um, me and grandma are taking
a friend of ours to...

Visit her sister.

Is her sister in prison, too?

What?

I heard you
on the phone last night.

Then why'd you ask?

To see if you'd lie to me.

Oh, well, you
have your answer.

Ready to go?

Almost.

Hey, grandma,
where you going?

Taking somebody to prison.

See? It's not so hard.

Violet, we're leaving.
Violet:
Good!

Oh, hi.

Hi.

This is a surprise.

What's going on?

Nothing. Just had
some business in napa,

And thought
I'd stop by and say "hi."

How's it going, bonnie?

I hate you, and I
wish you were dead.

You old softy.

Mommy, daddy, stop.

I'm sorry, but we were just
headed out for the day.

No, I'm sorry.
I should have called.

You're welcome
to stay until we get back.

Get to know
your grandkids.
Really?

Yeah, otherwise, how will
their little hearts be broken

When you desert them
on christmas eve?

Mom.

Based on a true story.

Maybe I will stay,

Grab a little
quality time.

Great. Roscoe, grandpa.

Grandpa, roscoe.

See ya.

Where you headed?

Believe it or not,
I'm taking somebody to prison.

Oh, wow. Gonna
miss you, bonnie.

It makes me crazy
that you're so nice to him.

I know. Added bonus.

You do know that he wasn't
in the neighborhood on business.

I know.

And it doesn't bother you

That your father's a liar?

My mother managed a whorehouse
in calgary.

It takes a lot to bother me.

I understand how you
feel about him, but

I want to have my own experience
with my father.

And I don't want
to take that away from you.

Thank you.

(sighs)

What he did
to me was unforgiveable,

But that's certainly
not your problem.

Do you see
what she does?

Don't drag me into this.

But I see it.

Can we just agree
to put our issues aside

And make this day about regina?

Yeah, let's keep things
light and happy.

Like a trip to prison should be.

There she is.

Dead man walkin'!

What?!
I'm keeping it light!

How's the sandwich?

Good.

Did you know that sandwiches
were named after a guy

Called the earl
of sandwich?

Really? Do you know him?

No, he died a long time ago.

That's depressing.

Yeah,

But he lives on in your mouth.

So you're my mom's dad.

I am.

And my grandpa.
Yep.

How come
I'm just meeting you now?

Well, uh...

No easy way to say it.

I messed up real bad

And wasn't around when
your mom was growing up.

And I'm really sorry
that I wasn't around

To watch you grow up.

Hmm.

You didn't miss much.

"chowchilla,
120 miles."

You don't have to keep
calling out the miles!

Wow, bite my head off.

Sorry.

You guys ever think
about reasons

To start drinking again?

You mean like
a zombie apocalypse?

You're kidding.
Nope.

Got a whole list of things
to drink over:

Zombie apocalypse, my kids
are stolen by gypsies,

I have a stroke
and forget how to masturbate.

What if something horrible
happened to me?

I'd get through it.

You're not planning on drinking

While you're in prison, are you?

No, I'm gonna wait
until something bad
happens to me.

Just remember, they hold lots
of meetings in there.

You just have to make it
your business to go.

Yeah, and meetings might be
a good place to make friends

With the aryan nation chicks.
Talk about a meet-cute.

How would you drink in jail,
anyway?

Oh, that's easy.
Toilet wine.

What's toilet wine?

Oranges, raisins,
ketchup, sugar,

And a sock filled
with moldy bread,

All marinating in a toilet
for a week.

Ugh!

Well, it gets the job done

And you can trade your
surplus for cigarettes.

I wish I knew you
back in the day.

I don't think so.

You would've been my bitch.

And I work my bitches hard.

Hey, look!

Hootie and the blowfish
are at the chumash casino!

How's the sandwich?

Good.

You know that, uh,
sandwiches are named after

The earl of sandwich?

That's terrific.

So, what's your deal?

My deal?
You don't really think

You're gonna show up
out of nowhere

And suddenly play grandpa.

No, of course not.

But I am hoping, in time,
to get to know you

And maybe be somebody
you can count on.

And how exactly would that work?

Well, after
the baby's born,

I can change a
diaper, babysit,
whatever you need.

I won't need any of that.

Yeah, you say
that now,

But it does
take a village.

My mom didn't tell you?

I'm giving the baby up
for adoption.

Really?

Really.

Wow.

Sure you want
to do that?

What's that supposed to mean?

I just mean, have you
thought it through?

No, I'm just gonna abandon it
like you did my mother.

I know you're
being sarcastic,

But that's exactly
why I'm asking.

Not being there
for your mother

Is my biggest
regret.

Yeah?

Well, I won't have any regrets,

Because I'm making sure

That my baby has a great life.

I... I'm not
saying that...

No, you don't get
to say anything.

All right, listen,
I'm sorry...

Save it.

I'm just coming back
for my sandwich.

Even meaner than
her grandmother.

You know what the worst thing
about going to prison is?

You're
in prison?

No.

I'm gonna miss seeing

My little boy grow up.

Oh.

I'll stop
talking now.

Don't say it
unless you mean it.

When was the last time
you saw him?

Just before the trial.

That was months ago.
Yeah.

His father won't
let me near him.

I can't blame him.

Wait, so you didn't
get to say good-bye?

No.

Oh, that's awful.

He just had his tenth birthday.

He'll be a teenager
by the time I get out.

Where do
they live?

Back in stockton.

Well,
screw that.

What are you doing?

We're going
to stockton!

But I'll be late
for turning myself in.

What are they gonna do?

Throw you in jail?

(whispering)

Uh, may I help you?

Yes, hi.

Sorry to bother you,
but we used to live here.

Really?

This house is brand-new.

Yes, this one is...

And it's beautiful.

...But before it was built,

There was another house here
that was torn down.

'cause of the murder.

A murder?

Th-that wasn't disclosed to me
when I bought this place.

That's why they built new.

Well, that and...
The ghost problem.

Are you related?

She's my mom.

And she's my mom.

Anyway, uh, we
were just hoping

We could come inside
and take a look around.

For old times' sake.

Yeah, I suppose.

A murder, huh?

Murders.

I always pictured him shirtless,

Fresh from mowing the lawn.

(mouthing)

(door closes)

All right, look,

I know that it's weird
to wake up one day

And find out
you have a grandfather

You never knew existed.

That happened
to you, too?

I just want you both to know

I don't expect you to love me
or anything like that.

I-I just want a chance
to be here for you

And do whatever I can.

I guess that's fair.

I also need to
apologize to you.

It was very stupid of me

To think that I know
better than you

When it comes to putting
your baby up for adoption.

What's he
talking about?

Thanks a lot.

Hadn't told
him yet.

I'm sorry you had
to hear it like this.

But I was gonna
be an uncle.

I know, but...

This is better
for the baby.

You suck!

Roscoe, wait.

(door slams)

(sighs)

Guess we're not gonna
go play putt-putt tonight.

Oh, thank you so much.

This really
helped.

Yes, it's nice
to have some closure.

Yeah.

Still might want to get
a priest in there,

Sprinkle a little holy water.

Yeah.

Yeah, wandering souls

Can screw up
your satellite reception.

All right, well,
that's some good advice.

Have a good day.

Easy for
you to say.

I'm going
to prison.

Regina?

Don't you ever
keep my son from me again.

'cause I got friends
on the outside.

Bonnie:
Mom!

It's weird.

Doesn't feel like a prison.

That's because you're leaving.

Hey, did you know
you get an hour

Of free recreation time
outside every day?

Oh, mom.

What?
I don't even get that.

Regina thompkins?

Right here.

Let's go.

Okay.

All right, I'm gonna
say my good-byes.

And I will slap

The first one of you
that starts crying.

Christy...

If you hadn't
talked me out of

Bailing on my
first aa meeting...

...I'd probably be
dead right now.

(sniffs)

You gave me
a second chance

And I will never stop
thanking you for it.

(crying):
You're welcome.

Don't slap me.

(regina laughs)

And marjorie...

Girl, you're
my rock.

You see the good
in everything.

Even while you're
fighting breast cancer...

All you do is
think of others.

I love you,
regina.

I love you, too.

(sniffs)

Don't you
die on me.

I won't.

Don't you drink.

I won't.

(exhales)

Don't forget to sleep
with your shoes on.

You never know when
you'll have to run.

And you...

I think I'm gonna miss you
most of all, scarecrow.

I know I bag on you,

But you're one of
the strongest women I know.

I watched you fall hard,

But you picked yourself up
and... Started over.

I admire you

So much for that.

(crying):
Oh, god, why do you have to go?

It's okay, baby.

I'll be out before you know it.

No, you won't.

You're gonna be
in there forever!

Time's up.

(exhales)

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.
Bye.

(sniffs)

It's funny...

I always thought it'd be you
I'd be dropping off.

Oh, crap.

Forgot
about him.

Be nice.

I'm always nice.

Oh, look, we got a garden gnome.

Have fun with the grandkids?

Oh, sure, sure.

We're making baby steps

In the right direction.

Why are you sitting out here?

Ah, needed some fresh air...

And your daughter took
the opportunity to lock me out.

Why?

I kind of spilled the beans

About the adoption to roscoe.

Violet's giving away the baby?

Oh, god, you didn't know either?

I'm screwing with you,
numb-nuts.

Why don't you stay for dinner?

We'll straighten this all out.

No, I've imposed enough.

I-I should
get going.

Alvin, wait.

Yeah?

Why'd you really
stop by this morning?

You didn't buy the whole

"I had business
in the neighborhood" thing?

Not for a second.

(sighs)

My wife threw me out.

I had nowhere else to go.

Yes! Karma!

Stop.

Please,
come on inside.

No, you know...

Your kids aren't real happy
with me right now.

Really?
They love me.

Come on.

So what do you think? You gonna
lose everything in the divorce?

I only ask 'cause that and ball
cancer is what I prayed for.