Mom (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Christy, a newly sober single mother, is trying to get her life together, but is challenged when her estranged mother, Bonnie, comes back into the picture on the series premiere.

[crying]:
I think you'll find our...

Napa Chardonnay to have
hints of vanilla and caramel

with a velvety smooth finish.

[sobs]

Are you all right?

Some days are better
than others.

Thanks for asking.

[sniffs]
It's very good.

Yeah, 2004 was a great
year for this wine.

[sniffs]

Not so much for me.



[sniffs]

Enjoy.

[clears throat]

[sniffs]

So, did I talk you into that soufflé?

- Uh, yeah, two.
- Good call.

You won't want to share.

Oh, God.

[groans]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday
to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear... ♪

♪ Ethel ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪



♪ And many more. ♪

Hm...
More butter and salt.

They only need to live long
enough to pay the check.

Beat those egg whites gently...

as if they were a small, annoying child.

Paul, you're on fire again.

Um, Christy, you got a second?

I can't talk now, Gabriel.
I'm working.

Yeah, I know, but, uh, here's the thing.

I-I'm getting a lot of complaints.

Really?
About what?

Well, apparently, one of my waitresses

- is having a nervous breakdown.
- Is it Jennifer?

- No.
- Is it Carol?

It's you!

Gabriel, what does
this taste like to you?

- Uh, mushrooms?
- The correct answer was "ass."

Listen, uh, maybe you should
take the rest of the night off.

I can't afford to do that.
I have children to feed.

Not a problem. Grab a couple
steaks, head home and feed 'em.

[sighs]

You don't understand.

The guy at table 4 said
something horrible to me

when I was telling him about the salmon.

- What's wrong with the salmon?
- Nothing, the salmon's great!

- The guy insulted me.
- Oh, that's fine.

- What did he say?
- He said I was...

[sniffles]
"a good waitress."

That's not bad.
Or true. [groans]

I didn't grow up to
be a "good waitress""

That was never the plan.

The plan was to be a psychologist.

Okay.
You're a young woman.

- You can still do that.
- Yeah, maybe.

I'd probably have to
graduate high school first.

[groans]

Now all I've got to look
forward to is serving $60 risotto

to a bunch of smug food Nazis.

I mean, who are we kidding?

It's a big, steaming
pile of gooey rice!

- What did you say?
- Get over yourself, Rudy.

I saw you at McDonald's
going down on a Big Mac.

First of all,
it was a Filet-O-Fish.

- And for you?
- Um, I'd like the, uh...

[studio audience cheering,
applauding]

I'd like the, uh,

the pounded capon with,
uh, lemongrass and thyme.

Excellent choice.
You know...

that's a castrated chicken
they beat with a hammer.

1x01 - Pilot

MAN [on CD]: Daily affirmations.

I open my heart and
allow wonderful things

to flow into my life.

[sighs] I open my heart
and allow wonderful things

to flow into my life.

MAN [on CD]: Forgiving
those who have wronged me

is a gift I give myself.

My daughter's an easy lay
and it's not my fault.

[sighs]

- Hi.
- I'm sorry. Did I wake you?

That's okay.
How was work?

Oh, fun.
I feel guilty taking the money.

What'd you do tonight?

Not much.
Did my homework, watched TV.

Mmm.
Is there a TV on your ceiling?

What?

Sit down.
We need to talk.

[sighs]

What's up?

Violet, I can't tell you...

not to have sex at your age,
because I had sex at your age.

Mom, I'm not having sex.
[groans]

Don't lie to the woman
who washes your sheets.

And in case you've forgotten,

I got pregnant with you
when I was a teenager.

And please don't take
this the wrong way:

- It ruined my life.
- I love you, too, Mom...?

And I can't tell you not
to drink and smoke pot,

because my senior yearbook quote was:

"Let's drink and smoke pot""

- Can this please be over?
- You don't know how lucky you are.

My mother never bothered to
talk to me about this stuff.

- Yeah, this is over.
- Honey, I just don't want you

to wake up one day and feel bad
'cause you're not a psychologist!

[door slams]

Okay, good talk!

Let's get you back in your own bed.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie.

- I waited up for you.
- Thank you.

[grunts]

- Violet's boyfriend was over.
- I know.

They were kissing.

I'm sure they were.

They took a shower together.

Terrific.

Are you coming to my
talent show tomorrow?

Tomorrow?
What time?

11:00.

Oh, honey, I have to
work the lunch shift.

It's okay.
I'm not good anyway.

[sighs]

Listen, maybe I can get
someone to cover my shift.

Don't worry about it.

No, I-I want you to be able
to look out into the audience

and see me, because that
way you'll know how much I...

Shh!
Mommy, I'm sleeping.

Good talk.

[sighs wearily]

[knocking on door]

Hi.

[sighs with relief]

You feeling better?

Oh, yeah.
My home is a real oasis.

- So, am I in trouble with Chef Rudy?
- He'll be fine.

He bought an eight ball and
took home the pastry chef.

Sleeping with your boss.
Who does that?

Roscoe: Mom...?

- Yeah, honey?
- I had a bad dream.

Oh, no, well, um...
why don't you go back to bed

and I'll come lay down
with you in a second?

[sighs]

I'm so sorry.
I owe you one.

Don't lay there too long.
The sprinklers come on in ten minutes.

[sprinklers activating]

[huffs]

- What the hell?
- Can I help you?

- What time is the talent show?
- What talent show?

- There's no talent show today?
- I don't think so.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

- I lost a day's pay for no reason?
- Maybe we were destined to meet.

It would definitely be
the high point of my day.

Psst! Roscoe!

Hi, Mom.

What are you doing here?

- The talent show?
- That's not today.

- But you said it was!
- Guess I was wrong.

I guess you were.

Don't you kids tease him about this.

[muffled]: Son of a bitch!

[kids giggling]

Oh, God, I need a drink.

Hi, I'm Christy and I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Christy.

I've been sober 118 days.

Oh, don't applaud for that.

They've been the worst
118 days of my life.

[all laugh]

Um... [chuckles]

The only reason I'm here is because, uh,

I didn't want to turn into my mother.

And I did anyway.

Yeah, I drank like her.

I went through men like her.

Um, I was selfish to my kids
just like she was.

And I didn't know how
to live any other way

because she was my only role model.

I mean, some mothers teach
their daughters how to bake.

Mine taught me how to
beat a cavity search

and still feel like a lady.

[all laugh]

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

And I cannot tell you
how comforting it is

to be in a room with people

who are just as screwed
up as I am, so...

Oh, stop it.

Hi, I'm Jim and I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jim.

Aren't you a little old

to be blaming all your
problems on your mother?

Hi, Mom.

Hi, I'm Greg.
May I take your order?

Hi, Greg. I'm Bonnie and
this is my daughter, Christy.

- Hi.
- She and I haven't spoken

in a couple of years, so this
is kind of a big moment for us.

Oh, for God's sake.

What can you recommend
for a mother and daughter

who are reconnecting after
a long, angry silence?

Um... pie?

- Mom, please, just order.
- Um, is the mint tea decaffeinated?

- Yes.
- Do you promise?

If I have caffeine after
2:00, my sleep in ruined.

- I promise.
- Okay, Greg, but if I wake up

in the middle of the
night, I'm calling you.

Well, I'll-I'll give you my number.
[Greg chuckles]

[clears throat]

Um, and for you?

We have a lovely
selection of local wines.

I'll have a bottle of each
and a funnel.

She's kidding. We're both
in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Mom, it's Alcoholics Anonymous,

not Alcoholics Tell Your Waiter.

Water is fine. Here, take
this knife away from me.

So, when were you going to
tell me you quit drinking?

Well, I was afraid if I called you,

I'd just start again.

Not that you care,

but I have two years
clean and sober myself.

You're right; I don't care.

Well, regardless,
it has really changed my life.

I have a steady job.
I exercise.

I'm in a book club!

I have become the kind of
woman I've always hated.

It is nice to see you
wearing underwear.

And not on your head.

Greg: Here we go.

Oh, Greg, honey,

can I trouble you for
some water without ice?

Ice isn't good for my digestive system.

- Yeah, of course.
- Really? Ice?

I think your digestive system
has seen worse than ice.

Excuse me?

Mom, I've watched you
lick cocaine crumbs

out of a shag carpet.

It's not a sin to be thrifty, dear.

Okay, here we go.

Now, I hope that you're
being nice to your mother.

- Go away, Greg!
- Right.

Whoa, whoa.
You know, just because you're sober

doesn't mean you can't take a Xanax.

Actually, Mom, it sort of does.

Really?
Maybe I don't have two years.

And I don't need a Xanax;
I'm doing great.

Well, that's funny, 'cause
your daughter says you're

hanging on by your fingernails
and sleeping with your boss.

Wait, when do you talk to Violet?

We talk all the time, and
we're Facebook friends.

I don't want her talking to you.

Well, she has to talk to somebody.
She's sexually active,

drinking, smoking grass.
Sound familiar?

[scoffs]
You're making this about me?

No, it's okay.
I have come to understand

that you were the best
daughter you could be.

My job is to forgive you,
which I do.

Oh, my God!

- You forgive me?
- I've come a long way.

Excuse me, but if anybody
needs to be forgiven,

it's you, and I don't,
and I never will.

There's hardly a day I can remember

that I didn't come
home to an empty house.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

While other mothers were cooking
dinner, you were cooking meth.

Otherwise known as "working."

I don't want you in my life.

And while you're at it,
stay away from my daughter!

She may need a better
role model than me,

but it's certainly not you.

- Is, uh, everything okay?
- My daughter doesn't get me.

Oh. I'm sorry.

What time do you get off work?
I could use a lap to cry on.

[sobbing]

Oh.

Stop crying.
It wasn't an important finger.

This doesn't concern you.

Oh, good, you're still here.

Hey, hi.
This is a surprise.

Yeah, I just really
needed to talk to you.

I am having the worst day.

- Hey, you ready to go?
- Yes, dear.

Um, Christy,
you know my, uh, wife.

Yeah, hi, Claudia.
Nice to see you again.

It's "Clowdia""

FYI, the ladies' room
needs some attention.

I don't know if that's you, Christy.

It's not,
and it's "Christ-y."

Okay, dear, let's go.

- Bye.
- Yeah.

Don't serve the soup.

- Hey, Mom. Dad's here!
- Yo, yo, baby mama.

What do you want, Baxter?

A father can't visit his son?

Not when he's six months
behind on child support,

but you're welcome to wave
at him through the window.

Be right back, Roscoe.

Don't be afraid to hit
the hookers with a bat.

I think I may have found a way
to pay you your child support.

Trust me, Baxter,
you can't sell that much semen.

I know. I tried.

So, here's the deal:
I know a guy who can hook me up

with a couple of kilos
of premium Sonoma Kush.

All I need is $2,000...

...from you.

Just so I'm clear:
You want to pay child support

by borrowing money from
me so you can buy pot?

[laughing]: No.
So I can sell pot.

There's no money in buying pot.
I know. I tried.

Luke: Oh.

Hey. Hello.

- What are you doing here?
- Um...

studying...?

You let Violet have boys
over while you're gone?

No, I do not, and don't worry
about her, she's not your kid.

I know, but this sets
a bad example for Roscoe.

Oh, you're worried
about setting a bad example?

You had Roscoe pee into a sippy cup

so you could pass a drug test.

And it worked.

[knocking on door]

I like bananas.
They have their own carrying case.

You know I can't divorce Claudia.

Her father owns the restaurant;

I'm pretty sure he'd
fire me, and then what?

I was an English major.
[sighs]

I can't believe you're
sleeping with that loser.

I can't believe you're
sleeping with this loser!

Hey, we were mostly studying.

Shut up, Luke.
I love him.

- Please, I used to love him!
- She did.

Mom, Luke and I have been
together for, like, a year.

You only started noticing
when you stopped drinking.

[sighs]

You're right.

I-I haven't been a very good mother,

- and I'm sorry, but...
- But what?

[scoffs]

You want me to forgive you?

Oh, God, would you?
That'd be awesome!

Why should I forgive you

when you can't even
forgive your own mother?

- That's different.
- How?

[both scoff]

Okay.

[wry laugh]

Okay...
[clears throat]

[sighs]

Hello, Mom, it's Christy.

Yeah, yeah,
today was a blast.

Listen...

I just want you to know

that I forgive you
for everything you did

when I was growing up.

I get, now, that
you did the best you could...

...just like I'm doing.

And...

I hope that you and I can

wipe the slate clean
and start over.

No, I did not take
a Xanax from your purse!

Listen, I gotta go.
Yeah, talk soon.

[sighs]

There.
I've forgiven my mother.

- Are we good?
- It's not that easy.

Oh, come on!
Like me!

[door shuts]

Roscoe: Hey, Dad!

If you hit the hookers enough times,

they give you your money back!

Smart kid.
That's my semen at work.

[sighs]

- You still living in that red van?
- Yep.

Looks like your house is being towed.

Oh, no,
my cleaning lady's in there.

What a day, huh?

[giggling]

Hello...?

- Oh, hi, Mom.
- Hello, sweetie.

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd help
out while you were at work.

You know, clean slate.

- You didn't have to do that.
- Yeah, she did.

Bonnie made Roscoe
and me hot dinner.

- Yeah, but I...
- It was hot, Mom!

Like on TV.

Night, Bonnie.

[chuckles]

Both: Mwah.

[both chuckles]

- She calls you Bonnie?
- We're like sisters.

You hungry?

No, thanks. I ate at the restaurant.

How about some tea?

Okay.

[sighs]

I'm so glad
you and I have a chance to

start over.

Forgive me,
but I'm not quite there yet.

Of course I forgive you.

[sighs]
You know... {*trnscr}

I apologized for beeing
a crappy daughter.

- So, anything you wanna say to me...
- I love you with all my heart.

And?

And... from now on, I'm going

to be the kind of mother you deserve.

This is the start of a new chapter.

[bell rings]
Oh, it's my date!

New chapter, same book.

- Ready to go?
- Let me just get my bag.

You remember our waiter Greg?

Hi, new dad!

Please stop.
He's way to young for me.

And he's...
[whispers] married.

Married?
What a whore.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Your daughter think
she might be pregnant.

Call me, if you need me.