Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 8 - Brushes with Celebrity - full transcript
Each member of the family reminisce about run-ins with celebrities.
What was my best brush
with celebrity?
Oh, this is such
a good one.
One time I saw Jack Nicholson
at the car wash.
I can't
go through this again.
Jack Nicholson does not drive
a Hyundai Odyssey
with a Co-Exist
bumper sticker, Cam.
Being
in the closet business,
I met
a lot of famous people.
I can't name names,
but let's just say it's someone
who's the boss.
You met
Bruce Springsteen?
No, Tony Danza.
Oh, from the TV show?
Nah, she was the boss.
It's open
to interpretation.
I saw Santa Claus
at the mall.
"The Unwitting
Miss Castle."
What's that about?
It's about
three persecuted women
in different time periods,
or one time traveler
with incredibly bad luck.
I don't know which.
Somehow,
I was able to join
a very exclusive book club
filled with the most
intelligent women.
I can never
seem to impress them.
They use words like
"sanguine."
I don't want to
look like an idiot,
so I use it, too.
Isn't that the most
sanguine thing you ever heard?
You're not
using it right.
I've read
the same chapter eight times --
still don't get it.
Just say, "It holds a mirror
up to society."
You'll get your "C"
and get out of there.
Huh.
Good morning.
Hi.
Who's that
young thing?
Wow, what's up
with the outfit,
Mod Squad?
Oh, yeah, I'm, uh...
I'm showing a house
to someone.
Oh.
I'd rather not say
who it is.
I totally get that.
It's Chris Martin
from Coldplay.
Come on, really?
It's not a big deal.
Says the man who spent
most of last night
sewing that flower
onto his jeans.
Okay,
it's a really big deal.
I'm meeting the man
who sings how I feel.
Yes, his music
is so sanguine.
Eh, closer.
Never been
a big Coldplay guy.
I'm more into hip-hop,
death metal,
"Little Mermaid."
That one really
imprinted on me
back in the day.
My stomach feels weird.
You're probably
just nervous.
Ooh, maybe you need someone
to come with you.
No, he's there to buy a house,
not talk about music,
which is why
I'm not even gonna mention
that I'm a songwriter,
too.
Oh,
you wrote one song.
I said everything
I had to say.
About a realtor.
It was about life!
This is why they mock you
at book club.
Oh, here's a brush
with celebrity
I can actually talk about.
Last summer,
I was called upon
to participate in the most
American of traditions --
getting out of jury duty.
Do you have any experience
with law enforcement?
Big time.
I-I don't trust, uh, cops.
Also,
I despise robbery victims.
They're the real criminals
for clogging up
our court system.
Nice try, Juror 3.
What about
economic hardship?
The last time I missed work,
the California closet market
collapsed.
Some people think that
caused the L.A. riots.
I must be done talking.
I'm going into labor.
Ma'am, Ma'am, everything's
gonna be all right.
Bailiff, help Juror 11
with anything she needs,
and bring in
the next alternate.
Uh, as her Lamaze coach,
I think I should probably
be out in the hall wi--
Terry Bradshaw.
I love Terry Bradshaw!
Juror 11, is there anything
that might prevent you
from serving effectively
on this jury?
No scheduling conflicts,
Your Honor.
However,
I am going through
kind of a rough patch
right now.
You see,
I lost my best friend.
Or did he just find one?
But I'm happy to serve.
I believe in
the American legal system,
and I believe
it's all about teamwork.
That's a touchdown
of an answer, champ.
Uh, this lady here...
put me down for that.
Are you ready
for some justice?
Oh, my God.
What? A celebrity?
It's Sam Anvilmaker.
Who?
He wrote "The Forgetters
and the Forgotten"?
"Farce, American Style"?
"Screw You
For Reading This"?
What the hell
is happening?
Yes, that one, too!
He's my favorite
playwright.
Why don't you go and
tell him that you're a fan?
Maybe he can give you
some advice.
No, no, I wouldn't want
to bother him.
He's notoriously private.
He writes
in a hollowed-out tree
somewhere in Montana.
Don't be nervous.
It just doesn't
feel right.
Manny, if somebody admired
my work as much as this,
I would like to know.
Go.
Okay.
Here we go.
Uh, excuse me,
Mr. Anvilmaker?
Let me guess --
I'm the reason
you want to be a writer.
Yeah, actually.
Your first play changed
the way that I looked at --
Listen, kid.
I'm not here
to collect panties
with phone numbers
on them.
I'm here to experience
the cold absurdity
that is being alive.
So go and find someone else
to venerate.
Oh, uh...
sorry for bothering you.
Here's a writing tip --
show me you're sorry
for bothering me.
Don't tell me.
Okay, let's take a picture
of the two
new best friends.
Come together.
I should never
have left my tree.
And then,
I saw Daniel Day-Lewis
at our dry cleaner.
Not him. No.
Uh, the time
we actually saw a celebrity
was last December
when we were shopping
for gardening supplies.
I'll never forget the feeling
of having Lincoln
look directly into my eyes
and saying,
"We couldn't get
the barbecue sauce out."
We both don't need a pair.
We can just share these.
And what if I want my own?
We share everything.
We share a toothbrush.
We do? Oh...
Oh, my -- Oh, my gosh.
Hm?
There's the guy
who hosts
that home makeover show
we love so much.
What? Where?
It's Scott Hunter.
Scott Hunter
is right over there.
Every week, Scott Hunter,
the host of
"I Beg Your Garden,"
selects an unsuspecting couple
at a home store.
Yeah, he taps them
on the shoulder and says,
"I beg your garden."
What?! Oh, my God!
I can't believe it!
That's how it goes
every time.
Every time.
Where are the cameras?
I know.
I wish I would've worn
something more colorful.
Okay, you know what?
We have to get
on the show.
Can you imagine
a backyard makeover,
what he would do
with ours?
Yeah, one word,
three syllables,
starts with "gah,"
ends with "zebo."
Gazebo.
I love gazebos.
I do, too!
Now that I'm thinking
about it,
I have to have one.
Oh, my gosh.
Wait, we work hard.
We deserve
to stand in the shade
a few inches
off the ground.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what?
Let's go get tapped.
Okay.
Hm, what's over here?
I don't know.
Oh, my gosh, Mitchell,
do you like this planter?
It would go great
in our hopelessly outdated
and neglected backyard.
I love it
if you love it.
And what do you think
of these pavers?
Oh, I think they go great
with that gazebo
we've always
dreamed of having.
Oh, forget it.
He's gone.
W-What did we do wrong?
We were pleasant.
You know what?
Maybe we were too nice.
Couples on those shows
always have conflict.
So do we.
Yeah.
When's the last time
we agreed on anything.
We -- We're constantly
bickering.
I know, sometimes it reveals
something deeper,
but not always.
You know what?
Let's go show him
our delightful brand
of bitchy friction.
I was thinking
the exact same thing.
Stop seeing eye-to-eye
with me.
Sorry, sorry.
Let's go find him
and drum up an argument.
Yeah, terrific idea.
I'm not doing it
on purpose.
I'm just...
Oh, ow.
What is going on?
My gro -- oy...oh!
This was a nightmare.
I was about to meet my hero,
and I was experiencing
this bizarre pain in --
in my...nether region.
Wait, I'm a grown man.
I should be able to say it --
my left bean bag --
did it again.
My tersticle --
That's as close
as I think I'm gonna get.
Hello?
Hey, hey!
Welcome, welcome,
welcome.
Phil.
Hey, I'm Chris.
Oh!
Hey, what's wrong?
Oh, nothing.
You thought
I'd be better looking.
People think that
because the rest of the band
look like hobbits.
No, no, no.
It's -- It's a little --
Hey.
I love
your flower jeans.
Oh.
Where did you get those?
They're from a store.
Well, they're very me.
They're very me.
Do you remember
the name of the store?
Actually,
I embroidered them myself.
Impressive.
When you're ready for it,
you get a T-shirt,
you put it on top of
a long-sleeve,
then it lets everybody know
you own multiple shirts.
Impressive.
So, mate, shall
we have a trod-a-bout?
I'm flattered.
I'd rather just keep it
professional,
have a walk around.
Oh, that's not what...Oi...
Terry was just
sitting there by himself
because everybody's
always afraid
to talk
to the prettiest girl,
except this guy.
It's all about confidence.
Excuse me, Mr. --
Excuse me, Mr. Bradshaw.
Jay Pritchett,
juror number 3.
Terry. Call me Terry.
How you doing, Terry?
Hi. Good. You?
Hey, this robbery case,
huh?
Now, I know we don't have
all the facts yet,
but I think it might
be hard for me to lock
up a..."Steeler."
I try to keep it light.
You mind if I join you?
No, no, no, free country.
Sit down.
He said "yes"!
The '70s,
it was a better game.
You guys did everything --
offense, defense.
Didn't I see you mow the field
one night before the game?
You know,
that's how I made my money?
I can't actually believe
that I'm having lunch
with Terry Bradshaw.
I mean,
from football fame
to country music stardom
to big-screen idol.
"Smokey and the Bandit II."
Now that was a challenge.
To play yourself,
that can be
kind of tricky.
I thought
you stole the movie.
Ah, stop that.
You're too kind.
You know, not everything
I touch turns to gold.
I mean, I've had my share
of missteps along the way.
Well, right, like
"Failure to Launch," right?
Sorry?
You should be.
I mean, that thing
was a real stinker.
I happen to be proud
of that movie.
I mean, that's some
of the best work
I've ever done.
No, you were good, yeah.
But, I mean,
don't worry about it.
Nobody saw it.
Yeah, well.
Guess it's about time
we get on back in, huh?
Same time tomorrow.
Hey, I'm wide open.
Like in football.
Nobody speaks
to my son like that.
No, no, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Please don't get up
and make a scene and
embarrass me more.
I'm begging you.
Okay, but you don't have
to block me in.
I am not crazy.
I am not
the hot-headed Latina
that you all
make me out to be.
You sent a cow heart to
a children's soccer referee.
Manny, what else
was I supposed to do?
Look, what happened
was a good thing.
He was teaching me
the focus required
to live
the life of an artist,
and that is
a very valuable lesson
that I'll cherish forever.
Okay, Papi, if you're happy,
then I'm happy.
Why don't you pick
your dessert?
Hmm. I wouldn't say no
to an almond cookie
and an espresso and...
you're gone, aren't you?
Honey,
I'll take another --
Shut up.
That's my son over there.
He opened his beautiful soul
to you,
to praise you,
to get some advice from you,
and you were mean to him?
Come on, we both know
that your attitude
is just
a defense mechanism
to protect
the tiny, little ego
from the truth --
that you don't deserve
any praise,
that you're a fraud,
that you're just
a big, fat nobody.
All men break the same.
What's happening?
What is all this?
Go up the next aisle.
Okay.
Oh, God,
I'm loving these new pavers
we picked.
You know what, I'm starting
to have second thoughts.
Oh, no,
this isn't gonna be
another conflict between us,
is it?
Oh, gosh,
I don't want another conflict.
Oh, that's pretty.
Okay...
Okay, you're --
you're not actually putting
a reclaimed wood piece
in our cart, are you?
That's great,
that's great.
No, the whole
"reclaimed wood" aesthetic
is an insulting appropriation
of barn culture.
No, I'm being serious.
It's like when Madonna
wore overalls!
You're good.
Mitchell, take it out.
I don't want it.
I think it's pretty.
I think it's pretty offensive.
Okay, rein it in.
Oh, there she is,
Mother Superior.
Okay, Rumple-thinskin.
Okay, you know what?
I don't need this.
I'm just gonna go
wait in the car.
Perfect, yeah, run away.
And just FYI,
the reason I like barn wood
is 'cause
it reminds me of you.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean I-I know that you
get homesick sometimes,
and I-I want to bring
a little, you know, country
into our house.
I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to offend you.
Oh, you didn't offend me.
I'm just being oversensitive
like you said.
I'm just being
my normal snooty self.
I don't -- I don't know
how you put up with me.
I don't know
how you put up with me.
I do.
Mm.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Yes?
Oh, yes? Hi.
I just need to get by.
Okay.
Okay.
He didn't say it.
He didn't say it.
And last, but not least,
the city at your feet.
Yeah. I'm still kind of
flabbergasted
that there's
no bubble machine.
It's okay.
I can install my own.
Oh, you're judging me?
No, no.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am losing touch
with who I am.
All I really need is
three chords and a mattress.
And my chef.
Uh, hey, Phil,
what's happening here?
Oh, not too much.
Phil?
Oh, my God,
you've gone all yellow.
That's like you're song.
Funny thing --
I also like to write mu--
Phil?
What happened?
Mr. Dunphy,
you have acute orchitis.
It's a massively inflamed
testicle.
I'm giving you
an I.V. bag of antibiotics
and some pain meds
because...
Oh, boy.
So embarrassed.
I can't believe I passed out
in front of a rock star.
Please tell me
he didn't know why.
Oh, brilliant,
you're awake.
I've got some ice
for your biscuits.
No.
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh! Oh, that really --
Oh, that feels so good.
Terry, can we talk?
Please don't shut me out.
I know I messed up,
and I'm so sorry
for my...
failure at lunch.
Sir, please sit down.
Do you mind?
Same seats.
Let's proceed.
Juror number 10,
has anyone in your family
ever been the victim
of a violent crime?
Well...my mother...
Psst!
Not you, keep going.
Oh, actually,
could you tap him
on the shoulder?
Juror 11,
is this man bothering you?
You talking about
the movie critic right here?
Absolutely,
he's bothering me!
Objection!
I request permission
to approach Mr. Bradshaw.
No! I mean, denied!
Look, that's not a thing
you can ask.
Your Honor, we'd like
to dismiss Juror number 3.
What?! No, no.
I'll be good.
I promise.
Sir,
you have to leave now.
Fine.
I'm going.
I'll be waiting
in the parking lot, buddy.
Judge hit me
with a restraining order.
But Terry had to sign it.
We're gonna get through
this together, Phillip.
I guess I just don't
understand why you're here.
Well, because you really
reached me back there,
and I realized I got to be
more of a regular guy.
Mr. Dunphy, I have your --
Chris Martin.
Wow. I'm a huge fan.
Can I get a picture
with you?
No.
I want a picture
with you.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Phil,
25 million followers.
No, thank you.
Uh,
I'd love some privacy.
All right.
Is there maybe a room
opening up?
Phil? Honey?
I came just as soon as
Chris called me.
Hello.
Claire,
I've got to say, uh...
You're even more beautiful
than you are
in Phil's photos.
Pbht!
I like your music.
Well, thank you.
Claire, can I talk to you
for one second?
Yes, of course,
sweetie, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I want
Chris Martin to leave.
Hm? What? Why?
It's weird that he's here
when I'm like this,
and he's attracting
attention.
Oh, I don't think...
yeah, okay.
Claire?
Mm...
Oh, you're not
gonna like this.
This is so exciting!
You invited
your book club?!
We're huge fans.
Hang on.
A book club
sounds kind of regular.
I should
join one of those.
There's about to be
an opening in ours.
I'm the one
who invited you here.
And what are you beautiful,
uh, scholars reading?
"The Unwitting
Miss Castle."
Mm. I love that book.
Although I did find
the fences metaphor
a little mundane.
Oh, yes. Pretentious.
Completely agree.
I said the exact same thing
last week,
and you guys just
rolled your eyes at me.
Claire, don't be
such a Mrs. Devereaux.
Twinsies!
That is so you!
Hey, Phil.
Our photo got
25,000 likes.
Phil?
Phil?
Ohh...
it's probably
all the meds.
I'll handle this.
I've been to Burning Man
with Keith Richards.
No, no, no.
I'll handle it.
I've been on vacation
with my mother.
Hey...
Hey.
Where are you off to,
stranger?
Honey,
I need to be alone.
Oh, honey,
I'm sorry I invited
the girls from book club.
It's -- I just wanted them
to like me.
I can't believe
this happened.
This was supposed to be
such an amazing day.
I know.
Is there anything I can do
to make it better?
Yes.
You can make Chris Martin
go away, now.
I'm so sorry, guys.
I-I didn't mean
to cause a --
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's -- it's not you
personally.
No, no, no, it is me.
I'm a distraction.
Everyone wants to say "hi"
or they want
to take a picture
or they want
to sleep with me.
They sure do.
Shut 'er down, Marie.
And it's a nightmare.
It's beginning to affect
my creativity.
The last song I wrote
was about my helicopter.
I was too ashamed
to release it.
I had to sell it to Qantus
for $1 million.
Your problems
are so sanguine.
Is that
how you use that word?
Nobody knows.
Oh, anyway, I wish there
was something I could do
to make this all better.
You could buy
that house.
No, Phil.
Thanks to you,
that's the old me.
Oh, good.
I know something
you could do for him.
♪ You've been looking
for your own special space ♪
♪ Somewhere you can call
your resting place ♪
♪ You've been looking for
your kids and your spouse ♪
♪ It's time time to buy
yourself a Dunphy house ♪
♪ Oh, Dunphy, Dunphy, Dunphy ♪
♪ They're affordable
and comfy, comfy, comfy ♪
I can't believe he's actually
making it work.
♪ Oh, Dunphy,
Dunphy, Dunphy ♪
Why would he not pick us?
Yeah, we gave him
everything he wants --
a fight,
reconciliation...
Yeah.
...not to mention
we're camera-ready.
It's everything
TV wants to be.
I mean, what does
he want us to do,
write the episode for him?
Yeah, America deserves
to see us get a free gazebo.
There he is.
I have half a mind
to go over there
and confront him.
Yeah, well,
I have the other half.
Wait, wait.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Excuse us.
Can I help you guys?
Yeah, how about
an explanation?
Why aren't you picking us
for your show?
Yeah, what --
are we not sexy enough?
Not young enough
for your demo?
Wait, no, is it
'cause we're gay?
You know, I've actually
never seen a gay couple
on your little program.
Yeah, or a P.E.
teacher-slash-vice principal.
He's literally that.
Just tell us why
you're not picking us.
Guys, I don't have a show
anymore.
Please, we just saw
that episode --
Yeah.
Deb and Don in San Antonio
last week?
Yeah.
Oh...
Don wanted
a place to grill.
We got canceled,
like, two years ago.
What?
What, why?
Yeah.
It's such
a popular show!
I mean...
Look, uh...
The network fired me...
Why?
...when they found out
that I had this website
where people paid
to watch me
build stuff naked.
Is that so?
Yeah.
How naked?
Very.
You know what,
why are you hanging out
in the aisles
of a home store?
I work here.
Ohh.
You do. Oh.
Yeah.
Hey, if you did
still have a show, um...
Uh-huh?
...would you pick us?
Umm...
It costs you nothing
to say "yes."
Oh, my God,
we agreed again.
Ohh.
Aww.
I begged you
not to go over there.
I'm so embarrassed.
Why?
He's the one crying.
My favorite part was
when he was gasping for air
between sobs,
like a baby.
Look at him.
He's broken.
What if he never
writes again?
Okay, I'll apologize
to the 12 people
who still go out
and watch plays.
You do know
I'm a theater major, right?
Yes, and when you're
a great play writer
and you go
to a restaurant --
if you can afford it --
then you're gonna be nice
to strangers,
because that's
the right thing to do, okay?
Excuse me.
I don't mean to interrupt.
But I saw
what happened before,
and I'm sorry about that.
But the way you stood up
to that jerk Anvilmaker
was kind of amazing, yeah.
Good for you.
And, young man, listen --
if this makes you
feel any better,
he did the same thing
to me.
Oh.
That's very nice of you
to say.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
So...
Thank you.
You know, I, uh...
I write.
Oh, boy.
No, it's not like
I'm just some,
you know, some --
excuse me -- some --
you know,
just some city slicker who --
who doesn't know
what he's talking about.
But, uh, if I could
teach you one thing,
just one thing
that you learn from this,
it'll make your plays sound
and look marvelous.
You know?
So, the most important thing
is to --
is to know that writing
is really re-writing.
You may want to jot
that down.
Uh...
And then change it.
Did you see
what I did there?
You know what?
We really need to be
somewhere right now.
Yeah, we better go.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay, thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Hm.
I'm sorry, we didn't realize
we were so annoying.
Our bad.
Have fun
storming the castle!
Nothing.
I'm gonna shave.
♪ Come feel the thrill,
thrill, thrill ♪
♪ Of Phil, Phil, Phil ♪
♪ The thrill, thrill, thrill ♪
♪ The thrill of Phil ♪
Could you turn
that down, please?
Oh!
Uh...everybody.
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
Phil:
So, a couple
quick thoughts.
with celebrity?
Oh, this is such
a good one.
One time I saw Jack Nicholson
at the car wash.
I can't
go through this again.
Jack Nicholson does not drive
a Hyundai Odyssey
with a Co-Exist
bumper sticker, Cam.
Being
in the closet business,
I met
a lot of famous people.
I can't name names,
but let's just say it's someone
who's the boss.
You met
Bruce Springsteen?
No, Tony Danza.
Oh, from the TV show?
Nah, she was the boss.
It's open
to interpretation.
I saw Santa Claus
at the mall.
"The Unwitting
Miss Castle."
What's that about?
It's about
three persecuted women
in different time periods,
or one time traveler
with incredibly bad luck.
I don't know which.
Somehow,
I was able to join
a very exclusive book club
filled with the most
intelligent women.
I can never
seem to impress them.
They use words like
"sanguine."
I don't want to
look like an idiot,
so I use it, too.
Isn't that the most
sanguine thing you ever heard?
You're not
using it right.
I've read
the same chapter eight times --
still don't get it.
Just say, "It holds a mirror
up to society."
You'll get your "C"
and get out of there.
Huh.
Good morning.
Hi.
Who's that
young thing?
Wow, what's up
with the outfit,
Mod Squad?
Oh, yeah, I'm, uh...
I'm showing a house
to someone.
Oh.
I'd rather not say
who it is.
I totally get that.
It's Chris Martin
from Coldplay.
Come on, really?
It's not a big deal.
Says the man who spent
most of last night
sewing that flower
onto his jeans.
Okay,
it's a really big deal.
I'm meeting the man
who sings how I feel.
Yes, his music
is so sanguine.
Eh, closer.
Never been
a big Coldplay guy.
I'm more into hip-hop,
death metal,
"Little Mermaid."
That one really
imprinted on me
back in the day.
My stomach feels weird.
You're probably
just nervous.
Ooh, maybe you need someone
to come with you.
No, he's there to buy a house,
not talk about music,
which is why
I'm not even gonna mention
that I'm a songwriter,
too.
Oh,
you wrote one song.
I said everything
I had to say.
About a realtor.
It was about life!
This is why they mock you
at book club.
Oh, here's a brush
with celebrity
I can actually talk about.
Last summer,
I was called upon
to participate in the most
American of traditions --
getting out of jury duty.
Do you have any experience
with law enforcement?
Big time.
I-I don't trust, uh, cops.
Also,
I despise robbery victims.
They're the real criminals
for clogging up
our court system.
Nice try, Juror 3.
What about
economic hardship?
The last time I missed work,
the California closet market
collapsed.
Some people think that
caused the L.A. riots.
I must be done talking.
I'm going into labor.
Ma'am, Ma'am, everything's
gonna be all right.
Bailiff, help Juror 11
with anything she needs,
and bring in
the next alternate.
Uh, as her Lamaze coach,
I think I should probably
be out in the hall wi--
Terry Bradshaw.
I love Terry Bradshaw!
Juror 11, is there anything
that might prevent you
from serving effectively
on this jury?
No scheduling conflicts,
Your Honor.
However,
I am going through
kind of a rough patch
right now.
You see,
I lost my best friend.
Or did he just find one?
But I'm happy to serve.
I believe in
the American legal system,
and I believe
it's all about teamwork.
That's a touchdown
of an answer, champ.
Uh, this lady here...
put me down for that.
Are you ready
for some justice?
Oh, my God.
What? A celebrity?
It's Sam Anvilmaker.
Who?
He wrote "The Forgetters
and the Forgotten"?
"Farce, American Style"?
"Screw You
For Reading This"?
What the hell
is happening?
Yes, that one, too!
He's my favorite
playwright.
Why don't you go and
tell him that you're a fan?
Maybe he can give you
some advice.
No, no, I wouldn't want
to bother him.
He's notoriously private.
He writes
in a hollowed-out tree
somewhere in Montana.
Don't be nervous.
It just doesn't
feel right.
Manny, if somebody admired
my work as much as this,
I would like to know.
Go.
Okay.
Here we go.
Uh, excuse me,
Mr. Anvilmaker?
Let me guess --
I'm the reason
you want to be a writer.
Yeah, actually.
Your first play changed
the way that I looked at --
Listen, kid.
I'm not here
to collect panties
with phone numbers
on them.
I'm here to experience
the cold absurdity
that is being alive.
So go and find someone else
to venerate.
Oh, uh...
sorry for bothering you.
Here's a writing tip --
show me you're sorry
for bothering me.
Don't tell me.
Okay, let's take a picture
of the two
new best friends.
Come together.
I should never
have left my tree.
And then,
I saw Daniel Day-Lewis
at our dry cleaner.
Not him. No.
Uh, the time
we actually saw a celebrity
was last December
when we were shopping
for gardening supplies.
I'll never forget the feeling
of having Lincoln
look directly into my eyes
and saying,
"We couldn't get
the barbecue sauce out."
We both don't need a pair.
We can just share these.
And what if I want my own?
We share everything.
We share a toothbrush.
We do? Oh...
Oh, my -- Oh, my gosh.
Hm?
There's the guy
who hosts
that home makeover show
we love so much.
What? Where?
It's Scott Hunter.
Scott Hunter
is right over there.
Every week, Scott Hunter,
the host of
"I Beg Your Garden,"
selects an unsuspecting couple
at a home store.
Yeah, he taps them
on the shoulder and says,
"I beg your garden."
What?! Oh, my God!
I can't believe it!
That's how it goes
every time.
Every time.
Where are the cameras?
I know.
I wish I would've worn
something more colorful.
Okay, you know what?
We have to get
on the show.
Can you imagine
a backyard makeover,
what he would do
with ours?
Yeah, one word,
three syllables,
starts with "gah,"
ends with "zebo."
Gazebo.
I love gazebos.
I do, too!
Now that I'm thinking
about it,
I have to have one.
Oh, my gosh.
Wait, we work hard.
We deserve
to stand in the shade
a few inches
off the ground.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what?
Let's go get tapped.
Okay.
Hm, what's over here?
I don't know.
Oh, my gosh, Mitchell,
do you like this planter?
It would go great
in our hopelessly outdated
and neglected backyard.
I love it
if you love it.
And what do you think
of these pavers?
Oh, I think they go great
with that gazebo
we've always
dreamed of having.
Oh, forget it.
He's gone.
W-What did we do wrong?
We were pleasant.
You know what?
Maybe we were too nice.
Couples on those shows
always have conflict.
So do we.
Yeah.
When's the last time
we agreed on anything.
We -- We're constantly
bickering.
I know, sometimes it reveals
something deeper,
but not always.
You know what?
Let's go show him
our delightful brand
of bitchy friction.
I was thinking
the exact same thing.
Stop seeing eye-to-eye
with me.
Sorry, sorry.
Let's go find him
and drum up an argument.
Yeah, terrific idea.
I'm not doing it
on purpose.
I'm just...
Oh, ow.
What is going on?
My gro -- oy...oh!
This was a nightmare.
I was about to meet my hero,
and I was experiencing
this bizarre pain in --
in my...nether region.
Wait, I'm a grown man.
I should be able to say it --
my left bean bag --
did it again.
My tersticle --
That's as close
as I think I'm gonna get.
Hello?
Hey, hey!
Welcome, welcome,
welcome.
Phil.
Hey, I'm Chris.
Oh!
Hey, what's wrong?
Oh, nothing.
You thought
I'd be better looking.
People think that
because the rest of the band
look like hobbits.
No, no, no.
It's -- It's a little --
Hey.
I love
your flower jeans.
Oh.
Where did you get those?
They're from a store.
Well, they're very me.
They're very me.
Do you remember
the name of the store?
Actually,
I embroidered them myself.
Impressive.
When you're ready for it,
you get a T-shirt,
you put it on top of
a long-sleeve,
then it lets everybody know
you own multiple shirts.
Impressive.
So, mate, shall
we have a trod-a-bout?
I'm flattered.
I'd rather just keep it
professional,
have a walk around.
Oh, that's not what...Oi...
Terry was just
sitting there by himself
because everybody's
always afraid
to talk
to the prettiest girl,
except this guy.
It's all about confidence.
Excuse me, Mr. --
Excuse me, Mr. Bradshaw.
Jay Pritchett,
juror number 3.
Terry. Call me Terry.
How you doing, Terry?
Hi. Good. You?
Hey, this robbery case,
huh?
Now, I know we don't have
all the facts yet,
but I think it might
be hard for me to lock
up a..."Steeler."
I try to keep it light.
You mind if I join you?
No, no, no, free country.
Sit down.
He said "yes"!
The '70s,
it was a better game.
You guys did everything --
offense, defense.
Didn't I see you mow the field
one night before the game?
You know,
that's how I made my money?
I can't actually believe
that I'm having lunch
with Terry Bradshaw.
I mean,
from football fame
to country music stardom
to big-screen idol.
"Smokey and the Bandit II."
Now that was a challenge.
To play yourself,
that can be
kind of tricky.
I thought
you stole the movie.
Ah, stop that.
You're too kind.
You know, not everything
I touch turns to gold.
I mean, I've had my share
of missteps along the way.
Well, right, like
"Failure to Launch," right?
Sorry?
You should be.
I mean, that thing
was a real stinker.
I happen to be proud
of that movie.
I mean, that's some
of the best work
I've ever done.
No, you were good, yeah.
But, I mean,
don't worry about it.
Nobody saw it.
Yeah, well.
Guess it's about time
we get on back in, huh?
Same time tomorrow.
Hey, I'm wide open.
Like in football.
Nobody speaks
to my son like that.
No, no, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Please don't get up
and make a scene and
embarrass me more.
I'm begging you.
Okay, but you don't have
to block me in.
I am not crazy.
I am not
the hot-headed Latina
that you all
make me out to be.
You sent a cow heart to
a children's soccer referee.
Manny, what else
was I supposed to do?
Look, what happened
was a good thing.
He was teaching me
the focus required
to live
the life of an artist,
and that is
a very valuable lesson
that I'll cherish forever.
Okay, Papi, if you're happy,
then I'm happy.
Why don't you pick
your dessert?
Hmm. I wouldn't say no
to an almond cookie
and an espresso and...
you're gone, aren't you?
Honey,
I'll take another --
Shut up.
That's my son over there.
He opened his beautiful soul
to you,
to praise you,
to get some advice from you,
and you were mean to him?
Come on, we both know
that your attitude
is just
a defense mechanism
to protect
the tiny, little ego
from the truth --
that you don't deserve
any praise,
that you're a fraud,
that you're just
a big, fat nobody.
All men break the same.
What's happening?
What is all this?
Go up the next aisle.
Okay.
Oh, God,
I'm loving these new pavers
we picked.
You know what, I'm starting
to have second thoughts.
Oh, no,
this isn't gonna be
another conflict between us,
is it?
Oh, gosh,
I don't want another conflict.
Oh, that's pretty.
Okay...
Okay, you're --
you're not actually putting
a reclaimed wood piece
in our cart, are you?
That's great,
that's great.
No, the whole
"reclaimed wood" aesthetic
is an insulting appropriation
of barn culture.
No, I'm being serious.
It's like when Madonna
wore overalls!
You're good.
Mitchell, take it out.
I don't want it.
I think it's pretty.
I think it's pretty offensive.
Okay, rein it in.
Oh, there she is,
Mother Superior.
Okay, Rumple-thinskin.
Okay, you know what?
I don't need this.
I'm just gonna go
wait in the car.
Perfect, yeah, run away.
And just FYI,
the reason I like barn wood
is 'cause
it reminds me of you.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean I-I know that you
get homesick sometimes,
and I-I want to bring
a little, you know, country
into our house.
I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to offend you.
Oh, you didn't offend me.
I'm just being oversensitive
like you said.
I'm just being
my normal snooty self.
I don't -- I don't know
how you put up with me.
I don't know
how you put up with me.
I do.
Mm.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Yes?
Oh, yes? Hi.
I just need to get by.
Okay.
Okay.
He didn't say it.
He didn't say it.
And last, but not least,
the city at your feet.
Yeah. I'm still kind of
flabbergasted
that there's
no bubble machine.
It's okay.
I can install my own.
Oh, you're judging me?
No, no.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am losing touch
with who I am.
All I really need is
three chords and a mattress.
And my chef.
Uh, hey, Phil,
what's happening here?
Oh, not too much.
Phil?
Oh, my God,
you've gone all yellow.
That's like you're song.
Funny thing --
I also like to write mu--
Phil?
What happened?
Mr. Dunphy,
you have acute orchitis.
It's a massively inflamed
testicle.
I'm giving you
an I.V. bag of antibiotics
and some pain meds
because...
Oh, boy.
So embarrassed.
I can't believe I passed out
in front of a rock star.
Please tell me
he didn't know why.
Oh, brilliant,
you're awake.
I've got some ice
for your biscuits.
No.
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh! Oh, that really --
Oh, that feels so good.
Terry, can we talk?
Please don't shut me out.
I know I messed up,
and I'm so sorry
for my...
failure at lunch.
Sir, please sit down.
Do you mind?
Same seats.
Let's proceed.
Juror number 10,
has anyone in your family
ever been the victim
of a violent crime?
Well...my mother...
Psst!
Not you, keep going.
Oh, actually,
could you tap him
on the shoulder?
Juror 11,
is this man bothering you?
You talking about
the movie critic right here?
Absolutely,
he's bothering me!
Objection!
I request permission
to approach Mr. Bradshaw.
No! I mean, denied!
Look, that's not a thing
you can ask.
Your Honor, we'd like
to dismiss Juror number 3.
What?! No, no.
I'll be good.
I promise.
Sir,
you have to leave now.
Fine.
I'm going.
I'll be waiting
in the parking lot, buddy.
Judge hit me
with a restraining order.
But Terry had to sign it.
We're gonna get through
this together, Phillip.
I guess I just don't
understand why you're here.
Well, because you really
reached me back there,
and I realized I got to be
more of a regular guy.
Mr. Dunphy, I have your --
Chris Martin.
Wow. I'm a huge fan.
Can I get a picture
with you?
No.
I want a picture
with you.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Phil,
25 million followers.
No, thank you.
Uh,
I'd love some privacy.
All right.
Is there maybe a room
opening up?
Phil? Honey?
I came just as soon as
Chris called me.
Hello.
Claire,
I've got to say, uh...
You're even more beautiful
than you are
in Phil's photos.
Pbht!
I like your music.
Well, thank you.
Claire, can I talk to you
for one second?
Yes, of course,
sweetie, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I want
Chris Martin to leave.
Hm? What? Why?
It's weird that he's here
when I'm like this,
and he's attracting
attention.
Oh, I don't think...
yeah, okay.
Claire?
Mm...
Oh, you're not
gonna like this.
This is so exciting!
You invited
your book club?!
We're huge fans.
Hang on.
A book club
sounds kind of regular.
I should
join one of those.
There's about to be
an opening in ours.
I'm the one
who invited you here.
And what are you beautiful,
uh, scholars reading?
"The Unwitting
Miss Castle."
Mm. I love that book.
Although I did find
the fences metaphor
a little mundane.
Oh, yes. Pretentious.
Completely agree.
I said the exact same thing
last week,
and you guys just
rolled your eyes at me.
Claire, don't be
such a Mrs. Devereaux.
Twinsies!
That is so you!
Hey, Phil.
Our photo got
25,000 likes.
Phil?
Phil?
Ohh...
it's probably
all the meds.
I'll handle this.
I've been to Burning Man
with Keith Richards.
No, no, no.
I'll handle it.
I've been on vacation
with my mother.
Hey...
Hey.
Where are you off to,
stranger?
Honey,
I need to be alone.
Oh, honey,
I'm sorry I invited
the girls from book club.
It's -- I just wanted them
to like me.
I can't believe
this happened.
This was supposed to be
such an amazing day.
I know.
Is there anything I can do
to make it better?
Yes.
You can make Chris Martin
go away, now.
I'm so sorry, guys.
I-I didn't mean
to cause a --
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's -- it's not you
personally.
No, no, no, it is me.
I'm a distraction.
Everyone wants to say "hi"
or they want
to take a picture
or they want
to sleep with me.
They sure do.
Shut 'er down, Marie.
And it's a nightmare.
It's beginning to affect
my creativity.
The last song I wrote
was about my helicopter.
I was too ashamed
to release it.
I had to sell it to Qantus
for $1 million.
Your problems
are so sanguine.
Is that
how you use that word?
Nobody knows.
Oh, anyway, I wish there
was something I could do
to make this all better.
You could buy
that house.
No, Phil.
Thanks to you,
that's the old me.
Oh, good.
I know something
you could do for him.
♪ You've been looking
for your own special space ♪
♪ Somewhere you can call
your resting place ♪
♪ You've been looking for
your kids and your spouse ♪
♪ It's time time to buy
yourself a Dunphy house ♪
♪ Oh, Dunphy, Dunphy, Dunphy ♪
♪ They're affordable
and comfy, comfy, comfy ♪
I can't believe he's actually
making it work.
♪ Oh, Dunphy,
Dunphy, Dunphy ♪
Why would he not pick us?
Yeah, we gave him
everything he wants --
a fight,
reconciliation...
Yeah.
...not to mention
we're camera-ready.
It's everything
TV wants to be.
I mean, what does
he want us to do,
write the episode for him?
Yeah, America deserves
to see us get a free gazebo.
There he is.
I have half a mind
to go over there
and confront him.
Yeah, well,
I have the other half.
Wait, wait.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Excuse us.
Can I help you guys?
Yeah, how about
an explanation?
Why aren't you picking us
for your show?
Yeah, what --
are we not sexy enough?
Not young enough
for your demo?
Wait, no, is it
'cause we're gay?
You know, I've actually
never seen a gay couple
on your little program.
Yeah, or a P.E.
teacher-slash-vice principal.
He's literally that.
Just tell us why
you're not picking us.
Guys, I don't have a show
anymore.
Please, we just saw
that episode --
Yeah.
Deb and Don in San Antonio
last week?
Yeah.
Oh...
Don wanted
a place to grill.
We got canceled,
like, two years ago.
What?
What, why?
Yeah.
It's such
a popular show!
I mean...
Look, uh...
The network fired me...
Why?
...when they found out
that I had this website
where people paid
to watch me
build stuff naked.
Is that so?
Yeah.
How naked?
Very.
You know what,
why are you hanging out
in the aisles
of a home store?
I work here.
Ohh.
You do. Oh.
Yeah.
Hey, if you did
still have a show, um...
Uh-huh?
...would you pick us?
Umm...
It costs you nothing
to say "yes."
Oh, my God,
we agreed again.
Ohh.
Aww.
I begged you
not to go over there.
I'm so embarrassed.
Why?
He's the one crying.
My favorite part was
when he was gasping for air
between sobs,
like a baby.
Look at him.
He's broken.
What if he never
writes again?
Okay, I'll apologize
to the 12 people
who still go out
and watch plays.
You do know
I'm a theater major, right?
Yes, and when you're
a great play writer
and you go
to a restaurant --
if you can afford it --
then you're gonna be nice
to strangers,
because that's
the right thing to do, okay?
Excuse me.
I don't mean to interrupt.
But I saw
what happened before,
and I'm sorry about that.
But the way you stood up
to that jerk Anvilmaker
was kind of amazing, yeah.
Good for you.
And, young man, listen --
if this makes you
feel any better,
he did the same thing
to me.
Oh.
That's very nice of you
to say.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
So...
Thank you.
You know, I, uh...
I write.
Oh, boy.
No, it's not like
I'm just some,
you know, some --
excuse me -- some --
you know,
just some city slicker who --
who doesn't know
what he's talking about.
But, uh, if I could
teach you one thing,
just one thing
that you learn from this,
it'll make your plays sound
and look marvelous.
You know?
So, the most important thing
is to --
is to know that writing
is really re-writing.
You may want to jot
that down.
Uh...
And then change it.
Did you see
what I did there?
You know what?
We really need to be
somewhere right now.
Yeah, we better go.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay, thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Hm.
I'm sorry, we didn't realize
we were so annoying.
Our bad.
Have fun
storming the castle!
Nothing.
I'm gonna shave.
♪ Come feel the thrill,
thrill, thrill ♪
♪ Of Phil, Phil, Phil ♪
♪ The thrill, thrill, thrill ♪
♪ The thrill of Phil ♪
Could you turn
that down, please?
Oh!
Uh...everybody.
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
Phil:
So, a couple
quick thoughts.