Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - Winner Winner Turkey Dinner - full transcript

Everyone is celebrating their triumph on the thanksgiving while the truth is that all of them cheated.

Does everyone
have a glass?

I'm just giving
my Thanksgiving toast.

Oh, come on, Dad.
Isn't it weird

that every year
you single out one person

who somehow made you
extra proud this year?

It makes the rest of us
feel like we --
It's you, Claire.

Yeah! I knew it!

And you, Phil,
and you, Mitchell.

Actually, it's all of you.

I know I get a hard time

for stirring up competition
in the family,

but look at the results.

Phil scoring
with his new magic shop.

Cam winning the big game.

Claire winning the race.

And Mitchell
scaring away that burglar.

And you are
a winner, too, Jay.

He wanted to spend more time
with Joe,

so he's dropping him off

and picking him up
from school every day.

Dad, what is wrong
with her?

I challenged her to get

to 100,000 steps in a week.

That's easy.
That's so easy.

Without shopping.

I get -- I get the challenge.

She's 1,000 steps from glory.

Like the rest of you,

she was motivated
by my stingy praise.

As I look around the room,
I see nothing but winners,

and I couldn't be prouder.

To us!

Everyone here is a winner.

Oh, you knew I was nervous
about the big game,

so you set out my -- Okay.

Sprinkles are for heroes.

Here, Daddy.

Thank you for protecting us.

We're all so proud of Mitchell

about what happened
the other day.

What I was thinking is,
we could

Oh, my gosh!

Was there a break-in?

Yeah, yeah.
It was -- It was crazy.

I just started yelling
at him,

and I guess
I scared him away, so...

Oh, my gosh, sweetie.
Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah,
I'm fine. I'm fine.

You're so brave.
Oh, honey.

So proud.

If the robber comes back
when Brave Daddy isn't here,

we can use these.
Okay, no, no, no, no.

I had to confiscate those
at school.

They're very dangerous,

and, plus,
you should avoid the cliche.

Confiscating contraband
is part of my new
job at school.

I was recently promoted

acting vice principal.

Which has nothing to do
with acting.

That was made very clear to me.

Hey. Hey.
Y-You seem a little nervous.

Are you -- Are you worried
about the big game?

I'm a little nervous.

The Rattlesnakes have beat us
the last six years,

and we cannot lose.

Is any of this because
their coach is a woman?

I mean, shouldn't we be
rooting for her, because --

Oh, what, because she's
another straight person

coaching football?

Well, good luck.
Thank you, sweetie.

You know, I can't promise
that I'll make you as proud

as your daddy who fought off
a burglar, but I will try.

You know, there's murmurs
that the booster club

is gonna divert some of our
money to the science program.

Because that's what made
the Kennedys cool, you know --

playing science
on the lawn.

Ow! The first person
who figures out

how to stick these numbers
right on is gonna be rich.

You could just pin it to
your shirt before
you put it on.

Have you shared this idea
with anyone else?

When Alex was a baby, I used to
throw her in a jogging stroller,

and she was my running buddy.

This week, when she found out
I was doing a 10K,

she insisted on coming.


I'm using my mom as a subject
for my stupid psych paper

because I started too late
to sign out a monkey.

It's about positive versus
negative reinforcement.

First half of the race --
"You can do it, Mom!"

Second half --
"It's not your day, lady!"

Thankfully, after it's done,

I'll still be able to give out
the banana I bought.

Thank you so much
for taking care of Joe.

I still have to get
some things from the store
for dinner.

It's no problem.

I got a lot of knowledge
to pass on.

You been practicing
your burping drills?


Okay, enough chitchat.

Give me the V.I.P. pass
for the sale.

Everybody's heard
of the H. Bronfman Clothiers

Black Friday sale
where the hoi polloi

fight over tuxedos like animals.

But on Thanksgiving Day,

a select few are invited
to get first crack.

If I get everything I want,

that tux will be 80% off
in Tammy Bosworth's dorm room.

Black gold.

I got it as a tip
from some club members

who had me "deal"
with some geese.

You will not taint
this experience.

Claire, why do
you have that number?

Are you in a pageant?

She's running a 10K,
and she is going to do great.

I know
that you're gonna
make us oh-so proud!

Obviously, this was meant
to be a group hug,

and my invitation
got lost in the mail.


that crazy phone booth

that you ordered
for your magic trick --

It's already at my house.

It's here two days early?!

I can shoot
my how-to video today!

Haley! Showtime!

It goes without saying
that the greatest trick

to come out of World War II
is the Normandy Phone Booth.

Over the years, its reputation
has...ebbed and flowed.

It was famously booed

at the 1969
Narragansett Magic Festival.

Of course, this is a time

when most people
are into protest magic.

So naturally, they would thumb
their nose at a classic trick

where a heroic soldier
dashes into a phone booth

to make a world-saving call

while it slowly
fills with water!

Come on, hippies!


All right, buddy.
Run outside
and play real quick.

I'm gonna take care
something upstairs.

I had to update my profile pic

on this new social-media app
called Inseam.

It's super cool.
No one knows about it.

Some old guys were using it
for home tailoring,

but then two Brooklyn deejays

started sharing a couple
of videos on it,
and it blew up.

Not approachable.

Too approachable.

There's my guy.

What's up?

Dude, I was
just about to leave,

and I saw your new pic
popped up on Inseam.

You're on Inseam?

Yes, I've been on it
for a week.

Okay, look at your picture.
Joe is in a tree behind you.


Aah! Aah.

Oh, my God,
he's right there!

Hang on, Joe!


What's going on with Joe?

You're on Inseam?

Of course I'm on Inseam.

Is my son
hanging from a tree?

Oh, that's great!
You fell for it.

I'm, uh -- I'm getting
pretty good at Photoshop.

That's a fake picture?

Yeah, I got a bunch of Joe
doing dangerous stuff.

You're gonna have to show me
this later, okay?

Will do.

Well, thanks to you,

now I'm all sweaty,
and it's gonna be impossible

to judge the silk shirts.

They're supposed to blouse,
not cling.

Hey, can I see that card
for a second?

What are you doing?
I'll put this card
back in your hand

when you Photoshop that kid's
head in an alligator's mouth.

Upper Valley
on the 2-yard line.

10 seconds to go.

A touchdown
will win the game.

Okay, timeout!

Let's go, Dolphins!

Coach, what is
our defense?

Okay, you know what?
It's a running situation,

but they've been killing us
with that pass all day.

My gut tells me they're
gonna pass, but

Okay, just let me think
about it.

Move. Move!

Those dumb bastards

are going to be
thinking pass,

which is why
we're going to run.

Trap Two, on the left side.

My vice principal

accidentally picked up
that Upper Valley coach

calling her dumb lady play.

Now, was I gonna change
my defense?

Only some spineless
win-at-all-costs glory hound

would choose winning
over showing some moral fiber.

Dolphins win!
Dolphins win!


in that stadium,
including me...

...was expecting a pass.

But your instincts
told you something else.

That's big-time, my friend.
Well, I-I-I appreciate it, Jay.

Uh, thank you.


I'm a fraud.

Well, then stop telling
that barista

that you understudied Javert
on Broadway.

He knows your name.
He can look it up.

No, I overheard
the lady coach

call her play
on my walkie-talkie,

and I changed my defense
to win the game.

And now I'm having anxiety,
and I have to confess.

No, you -- you are
not gonna confess.

You're gonna smush
that anxiety
into a little ball,

and you're gonna push it
into that little, tiny hole

in your soul
where childhood traumas go.

Everybody here is a winner.

I-If you end up being
the one loser at the table,

I'm gonna get nothing
but condescending pity
from everybody,

especially Claire,
that insufferable phony.

Hey, so pretty!

Oh, hey, Gloria.

Sure love those bangs.

What's the story
with those?

I know
you have been avoiding me

because there are
no Photoshopped pictures

of Joe in danger.

And the the answer to your
question is very simple --

They frame my face.

Oh, those pictures.

Here we are.

Joe poking a bees' nest.


Oh, and Joe killing
Lee Harvey Oswald.

So cute.

Jay, Luke is a genius.

Thanks, buddy.

You can go do
your fancy shopping now.

Awesome. To make up
for the time I lost,

I'm gonna baby oil my heels
so I can try on shoes faster.

Phil, did you see
this Photoshop
stuff that Luke did?

He's a real magician.

I guess
he came by it honestly.

That means the world
to me, Jay.

I'm living a lie.

Claire, everyone
in this family's a winner

except for me.


Ready to fill
this thing up?

Um, yeah.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

The -- The whole reason
we're here

is to use the pool water,
which is recyclable.

I'm sort of a hero
in the sustainable
magic movement.

I'd hate to lose
my three green rabbits rating.


Should we start filming?

For sure.
Yeah. For sure.

I-I-I think I'll --
I'll probably just
take a quick minute.

As a young man,
I had no fear of any trick

where I was jammed
into tight spaces --

Fox in a Box, The Wrong
Shepherd, Einstein's Birdbath.

Lately, though, I have had
a touch of claustrophobia,

which is usually cleared up

by a quick call
to my super-supportive wife.

Oh, you finally picked up.

No, no, it's not an emergency.

I just -- Hello? Claire?

Just give me the word, Dad.

Oh. Yep. Uh...


Let's do this.

Great. Ready?


Hello, and congratulations
on your purchase

of the Normandy
Phone Booth.

The following
will demonstrate

just how much fun
you've...dialed up.

Here we are on D-Day.

the damned air support?

Oh, good.

A ph-- phone booth.

I hear the Nazis
have booby-trapped these,

but I will...

I definitely will take
the risk

of calling Allied Command.

Hello, General.

Yes, the enemy
is all around us.


This is one
of the phone booths

that's booby-trapped.

Oh, no!

Yes, General,
the enemy is closing in!

There's no esca--

Get me out of here!

Who's Haley?
I'm Nurse Rutherford.

If I can't do this trick,
my magic shop

is gonna be the laughingstock
of the mini-mall.

And there's still
a Blockbuster there.

Honey, I know you're
going through something,

but you need to keep it
to yourself,

because we will not be
the loser family this year.


I had a genius idea.

Your race went right
by Pritchett's Closets.

Pull the security tape.

We'll blow up a frame of you
in the lead and run a big ad --

"Pritchett's. Leading
the Pack for 30 Years."

I love it, Dad! Yes!

I am on that!


We have problem.

I had a problem.

H-H-- Hello?

Damn it.

Phil, this better be
an emergency.

Oh, you finally picked up.

No, no, it's not an emergency.
I just --

I'm running a race, and you
just screwed up my playlist!

From that point on,

I was no longer
on the actual race course.

Thank you!


I guess I hit a point
where I funneled back
onto the course.

I did notice that
I seemed to have more energy

than the few people
in front of me,

but I didn't --
I didn't think much of it.

I did it!
I won! I won!

Did you see that, honey?
I won!

Uh, no, you didn't.

I was standing at the 5K mark
and never saw you.

- What?
- Claire!

I was at the store,
and I saw you win!

Oh, honey!

I know her!

She's my stepdaughter!

There's not gonna be
any footage

of you running past
Pritchett's Closets

because you cut two miles
out of a six-mile race.

Better tell Grandpa
you didn't win.

Oh, you are
my moral compass.

Which is why I don't want
to talk to you

for the rest of the day.


I need a favor,
no questions asked.

What do you need?
Phone cards?

No. I need you to Photoshop
a picture of me from today

running in front
of Pritchett's Closets.

No problem.

New problem.
I --

I want to grab a picture
of you and Claire.

I want to post it
on my Inseam account.

Oh, what's Inseam?

I use it for home tailoring.


Could you get in here,

My two superstars.

I can't believe you won
with that bad knee.

Well, at least if somebody
tries to steal that thing,

they got to get
through this guy.

I just did
what any hero would do.

Are you wearing makeup?

Uh, well, yeah.
I got a bruise.

I thought -- I thought
you screamed and he ran away?

Uh, well, there was a --
There was a scuffle.

You went
with your instinct.

Fight or flight.
You fought.

I'm gonna post this
on Inseam.


Damn it!

You fought.

You fought?

Uh-huh. How close did you
get to this "intruder"?

Okay, Claire.
That is just about enough.

suffered a trauma,

and I don't appreciate
your mocking tone.

Excuse us.

Thank you, sweetie.

Okay, look,
we both know

two things for certain --
I look fabulous in coral,

and you didn't fight off
any intruder.

There -- There is a backstory.

In the summer of 1984,
inspired by "The Karate Kid,"

I went through
a martial arts phase.

When Cam brought
those nunchucks home,

it was just too much to resist.

Hello, old friend.

30 years later, once again,

it was time to sweep the leg.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, God.
Oh, no!

Why didn't you just tell me?
I don't know.

You -- You walked in, and you
asked if there was a break-in,

and I-I was embarrassed
and possibly concussed,

so I just --
I went with it.

Besides, my dad and Claire
cannot know, okay?

That whole
"Karate Kid" summer,
they called me "Kung Sue."


Turkey is gonna be ready
in 10 minutes!

Where is Phil?
I'll let him know.


- 10 minutes.
- I can't take it!

Just breathe, Dad.

We are breaking
this fear of yours.

I'm dying here!
Hey, hey, hey!

Look at me.

Do you want to spend
the rest of your life

as an open-space magician?


Jay, I saw on Inseam
that there was
a Thanksgiving pageant

at Joe's school.

Why didn't you tell me?

I totally forgot.

Joe hasn't been in school
for a week.

I had a falling-out
with his teacher.

And got sent
to the principal's office.

You said some pretty harsh
things to Mrs. Barrish.

In my defense, um,
this banquet she's planning

is not historically accurate.

For example, I don't remember
a tandoori chicken option

at the first Thanksgiving.

We have children here
from many ethnicities,

and we try to make them all
feel included.

Be that as it may, history
does not record Pocahontas

asking John Smith
to pass the sashimi roll

while Myles Standish
helps himself

to gluten-free
huevos rancheros!

After that, it got heated,
and we got expelled.


But they'll call.
They need my check.

Why didn't the school
tell me anything?

It's like I am
off their e-mail list.


I didn't even see
the costumes.

Well, he didn't have
a costume.

No, he was the narrator.
Kid told the whole story.

Ay, papi.

You must have been
so cute.

Why don't you perform it
for everybody at dinner?

I'll go get my phone,
and we'll film it.


I gotta get you up to speed
in a hurry, buddy.

The story of Thanksgiving.
Here goes.

It's no use!

I can't do it!



Sonuvabitch, she did it!

Nice one!

See that, people?

Another person doing
their best, thanks to me.

And now it's time to eat.

Hey, Google,

how much time left
on the turkey?

Two minutes remaining.

See? I can control
that crazy doughnut,

I can do the steps --

I have two achievements,

and the rest
have only one.

So, Grandpa
really motivated you

by telling you you couldn't
do something, huh?

I need to see
that My StepCounter

for a paper I'm writing.

Everybody achieved
something today,

so now it's Joe's turn.


tell us about
the first Thanksgiving.

Come up here, buddy.

You got this.

There was once a land
of godless natives.

They did not know
any better

until, one day,
the white man arrived.

What is this?

The white man took pity
on these primitives

by teaching them
to cultivate the land.

But their kindness
was mistaken for aggression,

and a war began.

What kind of school
is this?

This is
what I was taught.

peace was restored,

and we bestowed them with
our nation's highest honor --

naming football teams
for them.

Joe, what play is this?

I wasn't in a play!
I don't go to school anymore!

All right, fine.

We got kicked out, okay?

Little argument
with the principal.

You've been lying to me

while I was celebrating you
as an amazing father?
Oh, my...

Hey, Gloria,
this is weird.

I downloaded
your My StepCounter data

onto my computer,

and it's showing your path
this morning

was the same route
my mom took in her race.


I was never going to get
100,000 steps.

But then I learned that Claire
was going on a Turkey Trot.

The second time I hugged her,

it was a little harder
because she was really wet.

So I'm basically just
your StepCounter mule?

I thought
you cared about my race.

I love you very much,

but your exercise
doesn't really interest me.

Hang on. When did Claire
run past Pritchett's Closets?

'Cause this thing says
she never got near it.

Well, that's probably
the StepCounter
made a mistake.

Oh, yeah, did it?
Or -- Or --

Or did you take
a little shortcut?

No, I was
probably going so fast

it couldn't even keep up
with me.

I have a picture of it.
Let me see.


And there you go.

That is me clearly running
in front of
Pritchett's Closets.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
With a Reagan/Bush poster

in the window, huh?

The photo is a fake.

It's not my fault.
Manny made it.

Manny was Photoshopping

So Joe was in real danger?

I did not realize
how easy it'd be

for you
to connect those dots.

Pretty disappointed
in you, Luke.

Well, you know, it's easy to
see where he learned it from.

His mother's a cheater!

What?! Oh, don't get
so hot and bothered.
Uh-huh! Mm.

Your makeup's already running,
and what do --
Stop it.

Do you have
a Chinese character
on your bruise?

Yeah, it's probably an imprint
from the intruder's ring.

He was -- I'm sure he was
in a gang of some sort.

Just give it up, Mitchell.

He knocked himself out
with some nunchucks

that I confiscated
as acting vice principal.

Oh, my God!
Kung Sue is back.

Daddy, did you hear that?

Well, Cam -- Cam didn't
really win the football game.

Uh-huh. He stole the last play
from the lady coach!

Accidentally! I overheard it
on a walkie-talkie

that I require
as an acting vice principal,

which is a position
I'm pretty proud of

because I'm basically
a sheriff.

You're not basically -- No.
Yes, I am basically a sheriff!

I wear a hat!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Dad is doing his trick,
and he's never done it before.

He could die.

Come on!

Oh, Phil.
Honey, wait!

You don't have to do this.
Yes, I do!

I'm the only loser in
a remarkable family
of winners.

No, no, no!

We are
not all winners!

It turned out
we all stink!

It doesn't matter!

I don't want to live
a life ruled by fear!

I have to do
this trick today.

Although, it is
getting hard to breathe!

Don't stop, Dad!
You can do this!

I believe in you!

That's not helping, honey!
Very interesting.

Okay, I'm just gonna try
to barrel through this.

It's Normandy. I'm an American
G.I. named Tony Ranzetti.

I'm from Brooklyn, and I love
my mama's home cooking!

But I don't think
I'm gonna be able to get out!

Is he talking
as Tony Ranzetti or as Phil?

What is wrong
with you cowards?!

Phil needs help!

Kung Sue's back at it.

Hey! Hey!
Oh, God!


It's too late to get out!

This was a mistake!!

Something's wrong.

Oh, God.
Phil! Phil!

Oh, my God!
What -- What...

Holy crap,
where'd he go?!

Private Ranzetti reporting
Operation Overlord
is a success.


Cocktails are on me.

That was amazing!
Gotta hand it
to you, Phil.

You get
the big turkey leg.

Let's take this party
to the table!

Come on, hippies.

Cam, it's late.

Cam, I have work
early in the morning.

I cannot sleep!

Well, you should have
thought about that

before you challenged me
that I couldn't do

10,000 steps in a day.

Well, how close are you?


Okay, fine.

Wait. 125 left?


Oh, my God.