Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - Ten Years Later - full transcript

Behold
the Quantum Flux --

a magic portal to the past,

what some might call
a "time machine."

This is where you guys go
"Oooh."

No, thank you.
Just get on with it.

"Ooh," indeed.

I'm throwing Dad and Gloria's
10th anniversary party,

and Phil is part
of the entertainment.

I'm gonna make Gloria
seemingly dematerialize,

then wondrously travel
back through time,

and then rematerialize
in her wedding dress.



She's gonna change her clothes
in a box.

This is why I'm nervous
about you introducing me.

I'm kidding!
You're gonna be great.

He better be great.

I want Dad and Gloria's party
to be perfect.

I was kind of a pill
at their wedding.

I hadn't
fully accepted Gloria yet.

And I feel a little
responsible for what
happened with my mom.

I fed her, like, three drinks
at the reception.

You know,
just to take the edge off.

I'm Gloria!
Kiss me!
Oh, hey, kiss me!

No, no! Oh, geez!

Mom! Mom!

She almost took
the doorframe off.



Into the wormhole she goes.
Ow.

Clocks turn backwards,

calendar pages
re-attach themselves...
Hey!

...and behold!

The beautiful bride!

Guys! This isn't exciting
to you?

Use your imaginations.

Picture me standing
next to Gloria

in a wedding dress.

We're done.

Mitchell,
did you get the cake?

Yeah, yeah.
I got everything.

Okay, good.
I'll have to meet you
at Dad's.

I need to go with Phil
to pick up his magic box.

Oh, and, hey,
you told Phil

not to mention the trick
to Cam, right?

If Cam finds out,
he's just gonna want us

to do some kind
of performance, too.

Pretty sure I told him
not to say anything.

Yeah, pretty sure
you didn't.

So, uh, what's all this?

This is redemption.

Maybe just
a straight answer.

The year was 2007 --

the wedding reception
of Jay and Gloria.
Oh.

Our gift to the newlyweds
was a duet performance

of "Islands in the Stream."
"Islands in the Stream."

A gift that would never be,
because...

I remember.

I fed my mom a few drinks
at the reception.

I really did not want to sing,
so I figured

if I got her a little tipsy,
I wouldn't have to perform

because I'd have to
hold her hand...

No, no, no!
Oh, geez!

Mom, Mom!

...and later
hold her hair back.

Well, your family has wondered
for 10 years "What if?"

Today,
they find out what for.

Mm, I don't know, Cam.

I'm a little rusty,

and acoustics are never good
inside a tent.

And -- Oh!
This party isn't about us.

There's a whole slate
of performers.

Gloria's changing
in a box.

Which makes our medley
all the more welcome.

It's a medley now?
No! No.

In no way, shape, or form

am I performing today in front
o my judgmental family.

Fine. We'll just...
go to the party.

Thank you.

No medley.
Exactly.

Wait.
This isn't a trick --

Just three
un-related songs.

You just agreed.
Rehearsal starts right now.

Jump in
when you're ready.

Why are you cooking?

Are you allowed
back there?

It's our anniversary.
Can't I do something nice
for your mother?

Maybe.

Morning, beautiful.

We have huevos,
we have chorizo,
we have tortilla.

What we ain't got
is Manny.

Unfortunately, he's gonna be
a no-show at the party today.

Aha.

What can I get you?

Take that garbage away
from me.

I'm going for a walk.

Manny was a big part
of our wedding.

He walked Gloria
down the aisle,
did the calligraphy.

And I knew him not showing up
to our anniversary party

would put Gloria
in a bad mood.

In some ways,
I feel responsible.

You're home again?

You're in college.

You can't come back
every weekend!

So no hug?
I love you,

but you're not making the most
of your college experience

by being here
all the time.

My father dropped me off
my freshman year,

and I didn't see him again
till the spring.

You want to know why?
I don't know.

Something about dames
and fistfights?

Exactly --
too busy making friends,

chasing skirts,
and things of that nature.

But your mother and I think
it's bad for you

to be here all the time.

So hit the road,

and we'll see you
at Thanksgiving.

Wait.
I'm banned from my house?

Don't think of it
that way.

You're banned
from my house.

Technically, Gloria
was not in on this decision,

in the sense that...

she was not
in on this decision.

Ruff, ruff, ruff!

I was a little grumpy.

I had agreed
to do this magic trick

at the party with Phil.

I go into a box,

and then I come out
in my wedding dress.

But there was a problem.

Pull!

She won't budge!

The only logical explanation

is that somebody
snuck into my closet

and shrunk my wedding dress.

Like, probably my sister.

So for the past week,

I've had to, like,
get even skinnier

than I was at my wedding.

Oh, shut up.

Be cool.

Phil,
it's a magic shop.

I'm the coolest person
that's ever been in here.

Oh!

How does he do it?

I'm kidding.
I know how he does it.

Claire, meet the legendary
Mister Ekshun.

Hello.

And what's this
behind your ear?

Oh,
just some sweater fluff.

Well,
the place looks great.

Can you imagine
coming here every day?

I wish
it was every day.

I have less and less time
for the old Illusionatorium,

with all the road jobs
I still book.

Would you mind quickly
walking me through

the Quantum Flux Illusion?
Uh-huh.

Well,
according to magic bylaws,

I can't disclose
the secret

in the presence
of a non-licensed magician.

Not a problem.
I can just step outside.

Nonsense!

We prepare
for such things.

Ah! The old
sensory-deprivation helmet.

Oh!
I put that baby on,

it's almost like
I don't have roommates.

Yeah, I, like I said,
could just step out--

Outside would be fine.

She's lovely.

Yeah.
I'm super lucky.

Thank you so much
for helping me with this.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't have this life

if you hadn't turned down
the magician gig

on that Ixtapa cruise
years ago.

What? I-I was
never offered that job.

Yeah, they said
they called you
and never heard back,

so they moved on to me.

I never got that call!

Oh!

I couldn't breathe!
I couldn't breathe!

Well, you forgot
to turn on the ventilator.

That was
supposed to be my job?

No.

This was supposed to be
my job.

I look stupid.

Hey, you see what a bad mood
your mother's in?

That's because
she misses Manny.

Today, you're Manny.

But wouldn't she miss Joe
then?

Don't overthink.

Just go in there,
act all heartsick,

and tell her
you want to have high tea.

Hey, Mom.
Why are girls such a mystery?

Have a scone!

Get out of here.
I cannot even look at that.

Yikes!

Shake it off.
That's okay.

That's a good first try.
Go grab his pan flute!

How's my bride?

Ay! So big now.

I know.
It snuck up on me, too.

But remember, letting go
is a natural part of life.

No.
It's terrible, Jay.

And sending Joe in here
with scones made it worse!

Silencio, Fulgencio!

♪ That old black magic
has me in its spell ♪

♪ That old black magic
that you weave so well ♪

Take it, Daddy!

Oh!
Hi, Mitchell.

You know what?
I def traded up with Lily.

I'm glad you backed out.

Lily, why don't you
go rest your instrument?

So, uh, just to break down
this "foolproof" plan,

you thought
this would make me so jealous

that I'd beg to be back
in the act, didn't you?

Um, no. I just found
a younger talent
that I clicked with.

Okay, well, I look forward
to watching you two perform.

Well, I envy you
getting to watch us perform.

Lily, sweetheart,
get in here!

The rehearsal's not over!

Y-Y-Yeah, time's a-wasting,
my little thrush!

And hurry!
The party starts real soon!

Okay, you know what?
You win.

You know I'm never
taking the stage
with that screech owl.

Just sing.

It would be very important
for you.

For me?
Yes.

Your family has been entranced
by my performances many times.

I don't need this,
but over the last 10 years,

I've watch you shrink
in their presence.

And you love to sing.

I like it fine.

And when we go out,
you're the first person

to grab the karaoke mic
and scat the night away,

and you're good at it.

You know what people
are calling you?
No.

"Fella Fitzgerald."

They do not!

Yes, they do.

And just once, I would love
to watch your talent soar

in front of your family
and shut them up for good.

But if you don't
want to --
You know what? Screw it.

I don't even care that
I'm mostly sure you're
manipulating me right now.

We're doing this.

I knew you'd come around.
Welcome back to the act.

Okay, now, this is
a bit much for me.

So...

Hey, Beardy.
Have you seen Manny Delgado?

I think the make-out king
is a little occupied.

Have you no respect
for the ascot?!

What are you doing here?

I need you to come
to our anniversary party.

I thought I was
persona non grata.

Now I'm halfway
into flagrante delicto.

This, I don't miss.

Your mother is upset
you're not gonna be there.

Well, then maybe she shouldn't
have banished me
from the house.

I may have accidently
led you to believe

that she was part
of that decision,

when actually --
I knew it!

I knew my mom wouldn't be
that mean to her little papi.

Manny?

One minute, baby.

- That's been working?
- Shut up.

So, I've been icing my mother
for a week because of you?

She must think
I'm the worst son.

Then come home
and make her day.

I'm not dropping everything
to come home and bail you out.

Tomorrow, maybe --
and I'm telling her

you're the reason
I haven't been around.
Hold on. Hold on.

It's better
if she hears it from me.

I just have to spin it

as if it's something
I did in your best interest.

And I'm supposed
to back that up

like I'm somehow better off
because --

Where'd you go,
baby bear?

Coming, baby bear.

You're welcome.

But two baby bears?

I'm new at this.

Hey, Claire.
Quick question.
Uh-huh.

I see that you only have
Mitch and I down for one song.

Mm-hmm.
Which isn't enough time
to tell a story.

So we would be willing to cut
our set list to six songs.

Cool.
So we'll keep it at one?

Okay,
so five quick songs, then?

One song.
Okay, I would be willing

to close this right now
at three songs.

One quick song,
and if you so much

as begin
to introduce the band,
I'll cut the power off.

Okay, that is not the way
you talk to talent.

Gloria?

I'm in the bathroom!
Come in!

Oh, uh...

i-it's Phil.

Come in!

Phil Dunphy.

Phil!

Hey.

The dress
is in that bag over there.

Oh, great. I'll hide it
in the back
of the time machine.

You, uh...

You got a big wrestling match
coming up?

I am having a bad day.

I don't feel like doing
the chitchatting.

Not having a great day
myself.

Missed a phone call
15 years ago

that could have launched
a second career as a magician.

I could've had it all.

Realtor by day,
magician by night.

Just like the hero
of that rock opera
I never finished.

Phil, this feels like
the chitchatting.

Well, I should probably
get going.

The steam's starting
to pucker up my suit.

Whew! Done.

It's the same suit
I wore to your wedding.

Can't believe
how loose it's gotten.

And now it is my pleasure

to bring up the first of
our very special entertainers.

Here to perform one song,

Cameron and Mitchell.

Just relax.

Okay, now, remember --
it's just like karaoke.

Yeah, yeah, I-I got it.
I got it.

Sing a little and then
throw to the drum solo.

Okay. Okay.

♪ That old black magic ♪

♪ Has me
in its spell ♪

♪ That old black magic
that you ♪

♪ Weave so well ♪

♪ Icy fingers
up and down my spine ♪

♪ The same old witchcraft
when your eyes meet mine ♪

Take it, piano guy!

♪ Be-ba-da ba-ba-da-doop ♪

♪ Bop-da-boop ba-da-baaa
ba-ba-da-baa ♪

Look at him go.

You know, he was raised
a mama's boy.

Now he's a strong,
capable man

making nonsense noises that
sound a lot like instruments.

Let's hear
that guitar weep!

♪ Waah-waah-waah ♪

♪ Waah-waah-waah waaaaahh ♪

♪ Waah-whoa ♪

And there is someone
that we haven't
heard from yet.

Take a walk with me,
Mr. Bass Man.

♪ Bo-bo-bo-bo ♪

♪ Bah-bo-bo-bo da-bi-bo ♪

♪ Bo bo bo ♪

♪ Bah-bah bah-doo-ba
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Wha, wha, wha, wha ♪

♪ What do you do ♪

♪ When faced
with black magic? ♪

Hey!

Thank you!
Thank you so much!

One more ti--

Okay. Nope.

Thank you very much.

Uh, muy kind, pero
I know you're only doing it

to make me feel
mas better.

Wow. Somebody's been listening
to Rosetta Stone in the car.

Cam, come on.
Talk to me.

What in the skibbity doo wop
was that?

Did you bring
your own studio audience?

No.
They're Gloria's family.

Unlike some people,
they feel things.

Cam, look, I'm sorry.
I got carried away.

It seemed
deliberately hurtful.

Every musician got a solo

except the one you promised
to have and to hold.

Aww!
Okay, do you mind?

Thank you.

Look, Cam, I-I'm sorry
I forgot to throw it to you,

but I-I was just
swept up in the moment.

It -- That was --
It was exhilarating.

I-I -- Did you hear
those people cheering?

Well...
you were brilliant.

Not the most generous
of performances, but --

I was completely free in front
of my entire judgy family,

and none of that would have
happened without you.

Well, I think I hear
what you're saying --

that half of that applause
was mine

'cause I transformed you.
Okay.

Well, that's better
than any 10-minute drum solo.

So you'll tell everyone
this was my doing?

Of course I wil.
Come here.

Ooh!

Okay, I'll spin the box
two times,

you'll have 30 seconds
to change
into your wedding dress.

Or I change
into an old pair of pajamas

to show the people
how comfortable

I have always been
with Jay.

Oh, yeah.
Sure, Gloria.

Why don't we just
throw the script out

and you can say
whatever you want,

'cause the audience
already thinks

the actors make it all up
anyway?!

I'm sorry!

What's going on?

It's okay, Phil.

He's very upset
because 15 years ago,

he missed a phone call
for a job to do boat magic.

That's why you've been sulking
all afternoon?

My life would be
completely different

if not for stupid fate!

Fate?

Let me ask you
something.

And there's
a real lesson here.

Do you like
how your life turned out?
Yeah, sure.

Great family, steady work,
bus benches?

I got that call
when you weren't home

and never gave you
the message.

What -- question mark,
exclamation point?!

Why would you do something
like that?!

To save him
from himself.

People sometimes need
a gentle nudge

to make the right choice.

And, luckily for everyone,
I'm here to do it.

And not just for Phil.

I know you're wondering
why Manny isn't here.

I b--
Who's ready
for some magic?

Phil, Gloria, you're up.

Honey, you okay?
Nope!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the scientists
would have you believe

that time travel
is poppycock.

But today, on the anniversary
of the wonderful Gloria

and Jay,

I shall confound
the skeptics

and transport
this beautiful woman

back in time
to the day of her wedding.

Gloria, get in the box!

Drumroll, please.

Whoo!
Yes, drums!

Yes!

Anyway, watch
as she disappears
into the wormhole.

That's my trick.
I'm done.

What do you mean, you're done?
Bring her back.

Okay, I'm ready!

You made my dream
disappear.

Now yours is gone.

iHola!
I want to come out!

Phil. Phil, you are
Dede-ing my party.

Your father Dede'd
my life.

He's the one who got
the phone call 15 years ago

about the magic job
and never told me.

Oh, Phil.

Your family has always
treated me like a child

who can't make
his own decisions.

I couldn't even make
an outfit choice
for the wedding

without your mother
commenting on it.

That's why I slipped her
those three drinks
at the reception.

It's very warm back here!

You need to let Gloria
out of that box.

And...

my dad had
nothing to do with that.

I'm the one who told him
not to give you the message.

Did I miss the "Ta-da"?

Phil, I'm so sorry.

But your business
was just taking off,

and the kids
were really little.
No, no. I-I --
I don't want to hear it.

My own wife is the reason I
don't have a career
in magic --

a thing
I was born to do?!

Look at me!

I haven't changed in 10 years!

Aaah!
Oh!

Aah!

Gloria!

You came! Thank God!

Not because of you.

I couldn't enjoy
my time with Denise

knowing
my mother needed me.

I mean,
I enjoyed it a little.

She's a dance major
trying to replace
food with affection.

I really don't care.

Gloria!

I have a surprise
for you!

I'm here!

Okay.

I was kind of expecting
a bigger reaction.

Yeah, I thought for sure
Manny being here
would tip the scales.

No! I don't need anyone
to do that for me!

Just leave me alone.

What kind of sick game
are you two playing?

Do you have any idea
what I gave up to be here?

What's going on with you,
Gloria?

This dress
doesn't fit me anymore!

That's it?!

I drove all the way
to Manny's dorm for nothing?

Oh, because you've made
the sacrifice today.

You don't understand.

I tell people
that I work hard

to stay fit
and to stay young,

but the reality is
that I barely do anything.

But now my body
is getting...

Bigger?

How dare you!

But yes.

But I've always
looked a certain way.

And now that I don't,
then what am I?

Just a self-trained
hairdresser
ith a hot-sauce business.

You still have that?

Gloria, you're so much more
than how you look.

That's what you say
to people

that are not that pretty
anymore.

Are you insane?

You could be my age
and 30 pounds heavier,

and you would still be
unbelievably out of my league.

Listen, you gain a couple --
who cares?

These have been
the best 10 years of my life.

I'm in it for every pound,
every wrinkle,

every gray hair.

Aww!
Aww!
Aww! Aww!

Come on!

Let's go.
Get in the car.

Where are we going?
Don't worry about it.

Oh. Why should I start making
my own decisions now?

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about the job.

You're just such
a "Go for it" kind of guy --

and I love that
about you --

but in that case,
we had three little kids,

a mortgage,
and I was nervous.

You could have at least
included me in the decision.

You're right!
You're right.

And I know "I'm sorry"
doesn't begin to cover it.

Why are we stopping?

Well, our kids are grown,

I run a company,
you've got a great day job.

I thought maybe it was time
you picked up an old hobby.

Are those -- Uh...

Keys
to your new magic shop.

Oh, my God!

Go on!

What?!
I know!

And Mister Ekshun
was willing to let it go
for next to nothing.

Which,
now that I think of it,

is probably
not a great sign.

This is awesome!

And "Mister Ekshun" --
I just got that!

It's kind of funny
that you're making up

for making a decision
that should have been mine

by making another decision
for me.

Do you want it
or not?

I love you.
I love you.

Mwah!

Bylaws.

♪ Fiz-el-ah dwee-zop
beh-zong de-doy ♪

♪ Ske-diddly-dee-daht ♪

♪ De-daht de-do! ♪

♪ Bow! Bam! Chow ♪

♪ Cha-cha-cha! ♪

♪ Waah-waah-waah ♪
♪ Zep-za-da wah ♪

♪ Shah-waah waah-waah ♪
♪ Bah-dop bah-dop waah ♪

♪ Waah-waah-waah ♪
♪ Bop-ba-dop ♪

♪ Waah-waah-waah ♪
♪ Ba-dop ba-dop waah ♪

♪ Diddly-bop dit-do
da-ba-da baaaa ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da
ba-da-ba-da ♪

♪ Bop-ba rrrr
bop ba-da-ba-da ♪

It's getting late.

Nighty-night.

-- Captions by VITAC --