Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - It's the Great Pumpkin, Phil Dunphy - full transcript

Look at you, dressed like
a girl. Why the change?

Did the roller-derby team
try to recruit you again?

No.
I have a date with Ben.

You don't seem
too excited about it.

Well, I mean,
he's really nice, and --

Got it.
You're bored, and so am I.

Break up.

I mean, I just want to see
what else is out there.

Does that make me
a bad person?
Oh, my God.

Are we still
talking about this?

I solved your problem.
Today.



Crowded restaurant
so he doesn't make a scene.

Just deep breath
and say it.

Fantastic news!
Someone TP'd our house!

Halloween fun
is afoot.

Dad, I really want
to be excited for you,

but Halloween?

We're almost
old enough to vote.

Aaaaaahhh!
Whoa!

Got me!

Worth it?

Oh, what, you're too old
for a little scare?

The scariest thing is you could
be a cheap pick-up line,

two beers, and nine months away
rom being a grandparent,

and you just risked
asphyxiation in the fridge.



It's not like we're taking you
trick-or-treating.

There are grown-up ways
to enjoy Halloween.

How about
pumpkin-boat racing?

Cam used to do it
in Missouri.

Take a giant pumpkin,

cut the top off,

gut it, hop in, sail away.

Let's do it.

I'm so married to this idea,

it rolls its eyes
when I make jokes in public.

Take notes -- This might
help you out with Ben later.

Mom, Dad?

You and Halloween have had
some great times together.

Mm.
But it's over.

You're way too old,
and it's hard to look at.

Wow, it really lines up.

I see
what's going on here.

Thank God.
I haven't communicated how big

this pumpkin's gonna be.

You guys know Clifford --
the Big Red Dog?

We're not doing this.
Plus, we all have dates.

But --
I think they're past it.

That was kinda harsh, huh?

Oh, honey, don't take it
too personally.

Me? That was directed at you,
fridge monster.

You're the one
who's obsessed with Halloween.

Honey, you were the one
who suggested

getting a giant pumpkin

and having us
sail away in it

like a family
of cartoon mice.

All pumpkins
are giant to mice.

There is no use in us arguing
over who's more obsessed

with a holiday
that's behind us already.

Way behind us.

All right.
I got to get going, honey.

Yeah,
have a good one.

Mwah!
Mwah!

Great. Buh-bye.
Mm-hmm, bye.

Change of plans,
fellas.

Hop in the car.

Well, well, well.

You city folk
sure are late risers.

I guess your rooster
has a snooze button.

It's funny how you say
the exact, same thing

every morning.

Since our contractor
took a break

from rehabbing kitchens

to rehab a gambling problem...
Yeah.

...Jay took over,
and we've been staying here.

It's been a lot of Dad,

but it -- it just became
too impractical

to continue living at home.

We're gonna use
another coat of varnish.

The fumes shouldn't be
too noticeable.

Okay.
Okay. Oh, boy.

Lily.

Oh, gosh!
Okay, she's down!

It's been hard on us,
living without a kitchen.

It's been, uh, six weeks now
since it burned down.

Since you burned it down.

Since I burned it down.

And then maliciously
made me think I did it

and leveraged my guilt
for your own selfish gain.

Then maliciously
made you think

that you did it,
and leveraged --

Honey, you got to stop
beating yourself up.

Okay.

I was going to make
Joe's oatmeal.

Do you really have to use

all five burners?

Well, it is called
Five Burner Meat Pie,

and it's the traditional dish

back at the Halloween festival,

so it kinda makes me feel
like I'm there.

Mm.

No oatmeal?

Guess I could put
my beard on now.

Come over here!

Ow!

Look, I'm sorry,
but the God I worship

does not let his roots show,
so...

Two weeks ago,

we invited Mitch and Cam
to stay here.

You invited them.

It's been hard on us,

but it's part of our
Colombian heritage...

Your heritage.

...to welcome family

and to never
kick them out,

even when they might have
some boundary issues.

I'm heading back
to the job site.

Gonna let
the guys knock off

for a little
liqu-or-treating.

Well, that is how
you manage...

...to stretch a job
until Christmas.

Okay, you need
to go over there,

find out how long
this is gonna take.

I want
my kitchen back.

Okay, uh, Dad?

We appreciate
all your hard work,

but we're running
a little past schedule.

The job is done
when the job is done.

You want it faster,

next time,
burn down a bookshelf.

Well, clearly, he doesn't
know what he's doing

and he's too proud
to admit it.

I know. I know.

My breakfast
is a LUNA Bar for women.

Do something.

They're family.
What do you want me to do?

You need to fire
your father.

Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.

Mitchell.
I swear to God.

Promise me
you'll get rid of them.

Okay.

Make me believe it.

I swear to you.

I didn't have
a date with a guy,

but rather a date with Destiny.

Destiny was the name
of the casting director

I was auditioning for.

I saw an ad for backup singers
on a cruise ship,

and I knew it was fate.

I have a killer voice,
I love karaoke,

and I'm great
at partying on boats.

Haley Dunphy?

Ahoy!

I speak "ship."

Bon voyage, mateys.

I crushed it.

I even crushed
the modesty after.

"No, thank you
for the chance to sing."

Beth and Jessica...

Bye.
...you guys stay.

Haley,
we'll be in touch.

I had a good feeling
about you two

when I found out you were
fellow Kappa sisters.

Wait.

You're all
in the same sorority?

Only the best sorority.

Kappa Kappa Theta!

Ooh, I wanna take ya --
Okay, okay.

This is why everyone hates
college graduates.

I will walk out
that door,

but at least show me
enough respect to admit

that this decision had
nothing to do with talent.

Because everyone knows
that I was the best.

Well,
that took a lot of guts.

Come with me.

Let's take a second look
at your audition.

♪ To hold me, to scold me ♪

♪ 'Cause when I'm bad,
I'm so, so bad ♪

See?
I'm fantastic.

Mm.
Keep watching.

♪ So let's dance,
the last dance ♪

♪ Let's dance,
the last dance ♪

Okay. I've seen enough.
Oh, no, no, no.

I had to sit through
this whole thing.

You will, too.

You got to remember,
this was the '60s.

Competition in the closet game
was fierce,

everybody chasing after
the next big storage idea.

Historians remember this period
as the "space race."

Oh, Mitchell.

Uh, Dad?

Uh, I would like
to see the kitchen.

I'd like to think that drinking
beer makes my hair grow back,

but life ain't fair.

Okay, uh,
then w-we need to talk.

You guys want
to take it outside?

I need a couple minutes
with El Rojo.

Rojo means "red."

Yeah.

I put things together quickly,
unlike your workers,

which is,
uh, why I'm here.

Um, Dad, if this is
too much for you --
Now, wait a second.

You're not here to fire me,
are you?

What? No. Pfft!
That's a strong word.

I've done enough axing
in my time

to recognize the look.
Just do it.

See, now,
I was -- I was hoping

this would be more
of a conversation.

Never been much
for confrontation.

You weren't engaged to a woman
six months in law school

because you were good
at dropping the hammer.

Didn't you guys
get a cat together?

Okay, you know?
Y-Y-Yes!

You're fired!
Okay?

You're an incompetent
man-diva.

The only thing
you've ever built

is a closet --
i.e. a box of air.

So get out,

and don't let the door
hit you

on your ample behind.

Nicely done.

Maybe an unnecessary shot
at closets,

particularly from someone
who was in one for 22 years,

but...
Mm.

Yeah, I get it.

I'll just grab
my stuff.

Oh, my God.
Dad, it's -- it's done!

Yep.
Well, why didn't you
say something?

Well, I saw you marching
in here, loaded for bear.

You don't usually
go off on people,

so I thought
it'd be good for you.

How'd it feel?
I didn't love it.

But this kitchen
is amazing.

I only got
one more thing to do.

I've got to seal glass
in the door and hang it.

Now, you want to go
with the stain

or the clear pane
Cam picked?

Hmm.
You know what?

I-I bought this
at a flea market.

They're not sure
of the origin.

It either came from
a 17th-century
Flemish cathedral

that collapsed
in an earthquake

or a high-school production
of "Nunsense."

Oh, I do love this.

Should -- Should I ask Cam
if it's okay?

You almost just fired
your dad.

You're not gonna go shy on me
on this --

You know what?

You're right.

It's this glass.

That's it. Hey?

You want to help me
finish this off,

just the two of us?

You know what?

Yes. Yeah, I-I would.

Let me just strap on
this bad boy.

So, all the tools
have been laid out.

What next?

Phil.
Hey, Carol.

I just found out my kids
did this to your yard,

and we are so sorry.

Don't be.
It's Halloween.

It's one of the four biggest
prank days of the year.

It's this,
April Fools' Day,

and the day before
April Fools' Day,

'cause no one
sees it coming.

What's the fourth?

Nice try, Carol.

The point is,

you're gonna wake up
one morning

and find out that your kids
don't TP anymore.

Cherish these days with
your adorable little vandals.

Well, I appreciate
the understanding,

but I'm trying
to teach them a lesson.

Oh, I'm gonna teach them
a lesson,

'cause it's payback time.

Prank wars have begun.

Yes!

Okay, kids.

I think Mr. Dunphy
has better things to do

than spend his day
in a prank war with you.

Good news, boys.
I don't.

Okay.

We cannot take you
trick-or-treating

if you don't finish
your homework.

Didn't you two have something
you wanted to talk about?

Um, so, Cam...

I'm trying to get Wi-Fi

so I can watch
the pumpkin weigh-in

at the Halloween festival
back home.

You know,
25 years ago,

I raised the largest
Wichita Thumper,

and the record
still stands.

I am so sorry.

There's no way to say that
that doesn't sound braggy.

No, no,
you just did fine.

Um, but I just wanted
to say to you --

You know, as with every pumpkin,
there's a story.

It was a cold,
bitter night,

when tap-tap-tap
on the window.

Darn if it wasn't
the vine of my pumpkin,

just out there
trembling away.

That is a great story.

Next thing I know,
Daddy's pulling the pumpkin

through the window,
careful, of course,
not to break the vine.

And for months, it just became
a part of our household --

people stepping over it
to get into the kitchen,

blocked half the TV.

We thought
"The Brady Bunch"

was just about
three lovely girls.

Oh, but nobody
complained.

Sure,
I won Grand Champion,

you know, and the right
to name the next tornado.

But the thing
I remember most

are the sacrifices

my family made for just me.

That's how we do family
where I'm from.

That's how we do family
where I am from!

Oh, Gloria!
Mmm!

I got to get this Wi-Fi.

You saw that,
didn't you?

I see everything.

In 10 minutes,

you're gonna
storm the office,

everybody freaks out,

I go Wonder Woman,
fight off the zombies.

Got it.
Okay.

My kids may be over it,

but at the office,
they love Halloween Claire.

It's one of the perks

of working
at Pritchett's Closets.

Sure, you got to pitch in
for coffee the rest of the year,

but on October 31st,
the show is free.

Hey.
Ah.

Everyone's on their way here
to a meeting.

Great.

Oh, so,
no costume this year?

Apparently not.

Oh, good call.

Everyone was
so sick of it.

The pressure
to dress up!

You know, they begged me
to talk to you,

but I said,
"No, Claire will realize

how miserable
everybody is."

So no-nobody --
I vant
to drink your --

We don't have
to do it anymore.

Oh, thank God!

You know,
I cried in the mirror
this morning?

Guys, everybody.
It's over.

The whole thing's finally over.
No worries.

Oh. Yeah.

I'm just gonna need
a quick second.

No, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Sorry.
Go.

So, if you could just,

uh, take your attention
to the screen, please.

And...
for the market research --

No. Please.
Nobody wants this.

Oh, she's surprising us.

It's a zombie attack.

Yay.

Oh, but it's Wonder Woman
to the rescue.

Help me.

Wonder Woman, help me.

Okay, fun's over.

Come on.
Everybody out.

Oh!

Okay! All right!

Here!
Take it! Take it!

Ow, God!
I am so sorry!

You're home early.

I was into this awesome girl,
Abby, from the club.

And tonight, we were gonna take
things to the next level,

which is, you know, sex.

Always classy
to name it.

But the one problem
is she's super jealous

and got this idea
I was messing around

with Carla
from the snack bar.

Which I was.

So I had to break it off
with Carla

before seeing Abby.
How'd it go?

I got a major
tong lashing.

Ow!

Ow! What the heck?
Whoa! Hey!

Carla, calm down!
Wait -- Oh!

Wait, wait, I can explain!
I can explain! Somebody help!

So I covered up
my bruises

and checked for any
snack-bar-related evidence

before seeing Abby.

Sorry I'm late.

I got whiplash
passing a picture of you.

Things couldn't have been
going any better...

My dad
is going to hate you.

...and then
they got better.

Until...
Mustard?

You hate mustard.

You son of a bitch!
You were with Carla!

I knew there was one perfect
thing I could say to save it.

Baby,
I just snack with her.

You're the main course.

I did not come up
with that thing.

All right. Ahh!

Looks good.

You know,
I helped build that.

I-I feel like
a real construction guy.

I kinda wish
a woman would walk by

so I could objectify her.

It's the best.

Listen, we just finished
the project.

Now, come on.
Take a victory lap
with your old man.

Oh. I'd love to.

Hey, and I defy Cam

to find anything wrong
with that window.

It really gives your kitchen
some flair.

Oh, hey, Gloria.

I finally found
a great spot for the Wi-Fi

just in time
for the pumpkin weigh-in.

You sit here
while I take a bath?!

I'm gay? Hello?

I'm more fixated
on that fabulous robe.

I am so borrowing that
for my next bath.

You didn't drain the water yet,
did you?

Okay, that's it!

I can't handle you
anymore!

You take
over my kitchen!

I turn around,
and you're in my face!

Siamese twins have
more privacy than me!

Get out of my house,
and never come back!

Hm.

Well, the kitchen's done.

So I guess
I can move back home.

He couldn't have sent you
that message

one minute ago?

It's okay, Gloria.

It's better that I know
how you actually feel.

Oh.

Well, there seems to be
a lot of hubbub

on the dais
at pump' fest.

Why are they gathering
all the living mayors?

It's official.

Ms. Darla Bowater has shattered
the old pumpkin record.

Okay.

I'm sure you'll understand,
under these circumstances,

I'll just quickly gather
my things, take that bath,

and...be on my way.

Who is it?

Special delivery from UPS.

United Prank Service.

I went to the history books
for this one,

all the way back to
the first practical joke --

the Trojan Horse.

Only I swapped out silly string
for broad swords

and laughter for murder.

Okay.

You guys want to prank?

Let's prank.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

No!

Nooooo!

No!
Oh!

They just put
some toilet paper
in your yard.

Why would he do this
to us, Mother?

It was an accident!

Where's Fluffy?!
I can't find Fluffy!

Don't worry!
I'll help you find her!

My eye!

Go in the house!
Go in the house!

Oh, why do I feel
so energized?

Because you honored your
primal male instinct to build.

Yeah. Where once
lay barren fields,

because of men like us,
now gleaming cities stand.

And what is a city,
but --

A closet
for civilization.

This is the proudest
damn moment of my life.
Ah.

Oof.

That brings back
painful memories.

Huh, seems to be turning
down our street.

Well, what do you know?

This crystal in the middle
acted like a magnifying glass.

Mr. Pritchett...
Yeah.

...this is the second time
in two months.

We love
that you're a fan,

but maybe you should
just buy a calendar.

I'm sorry, Mitch.
I feel really bad.

Do you think maybe
you could tell Cam?

Oh, I don't work here
anymore.

Phil?
Honey?

Claire.

There's no sense
in hiding it.

I did buy
a giant pumpkin.

I puzzled that one out.

You're right.

I'm a Halloween-obsessed
child-man.

Do you want
to feel better?

I took zombies
to work, okay?

And it died so hard.

Oh, my God,
to be pitied by Margaret...

I guess
the kids are right.

It's time for us to start
acting like adults.

We can have dinner parties,
see plays, open IRAs.

We have IRAs, right?

Rude awakening, Claire.

You think you're
the fun-loving dad,

putting smiles on faces,
keeping childhood alive.

Turns out you're just
the weird guy

barreling down a driveway
in a pumpkin-tank.

Phil, I command you to stop
speaking like that.

Please let me have my feelings
for one second.

No, come on, turn around.
Seriously. It's good.

Wonder Woman?

Yes!
And I have plans for you!

Who cares
what anybody thinks?

Screw the kids.
Screw everybody at work.

We'll give up Halloween
when we are good and ready.

Who are you guys
supposed to be?

Who your parents
wish they were.

Ending things with Ben
did not go well.

He kept giving me
openings,

and I just couldn't
pull the trigger.

Why do I keep eating
this stale bread?

Do you ever do that?

Like, you know
something's bad,

but you just keep
going in for more

'cause it's the only thing
in front of you?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, hey, this is gonna sound
really gross,

but I have a Band-Aid
on my hand,

it's on a super-hairy spot,
and I know it's gonna sting.

Would you take it off
for me, please?

And do it fast.
If I'm gonna be hurt,

I just want
to get it over with.

I want to break up.
Ow!

Whew!

Ready to order?

Uh, did you not just hear
what I said?

No. What?

I want to break up.
Ah-choo!

Whew!

So, I'm thinking
nachos.

What about you?

Oh, my God!

I'm breaking up
with you!

What?

I'm so sorry.

It's been really great,
but now it's over.

Please don't
make a scene.

I mean, I'm sad,
but I get it.

We're in different phases
of our lives,

and you live
an hour away from me now,

and I made out
with my ex

last weekend
at the closet convention,

so how committed am I?

Plus that tension between
you and Muh-ma -- Oy.

You cheated on me?!

We were drunk, okay?

And she was really upset

'cause she had to drop
her daughter off at college.

You suck!

To think
I wasted so much time

on such a weepy, clingy,
Pez-eating snore!

I can't believe I sat there
and pretended to be a doll

as you brushed my hair!

You are almost the worst
boyfriend I have ever had!

Okay, Alex wins
most embarrassing day.

Not so fast.

Look at these two
ding dongs.

Is that Mom and Dad
in a giant "punkin"?

Well, at least we didn't get
dragged into it this time.

Thank God.

Yep.
Because we got stuff goin' on.

Cam...

I'm sure
that there were better ways

for me to say
what I said.

You're packing
my face creams.

No need to apologize.

I know
I crossed boundaries.

It's how I grew up.

Nobody had secrets
from anybody.

At high-school parties,
we just played Dare.

I know the feeling.

I grew up
in a small town myself.

We had to
bring in a stranger

so that the children
could learn
who not to talk to.

You know,
I have to say,

sometimes your hometown
stories sound
a little made-up.

I am sorry
that I was mean,

and I am sorry

that you don't have
the biggest pumpkin anymore.

It's not even about
having the record anymore.

I-It's just how I kept
the small town alive in me.

Probably dumb.
No.

It's hard when you have
to leave a place you love.

Every year, it feels like
more of it fades away.

I get very sad
because I know

that my accent
is almost completely gone.

Anyway,
I-I should go.

Wait.
I have something for you.

A pumpkin seed?

I think it can be
next year's record-breaker.

Oh, my...
Gloria...

Okay!
All right, all right!

Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my God!

We're floating
in a vegetable!

In a giant vegetable!

As families get older,
you have two options --

you can force everyone together,

or you can accept
that traditions die

and people move on.

Unless you happen to have
a giant pumpkin.

Hey! What are you guys
doing here?

We got the hint.

It wasn't gonna be fun
unless we were here, too,

so we tracked
your phones.

Cam says the record

for the North American 50-yard
pumpkin dash is 18 seconds.

I think we can do it!
Oh, I know
we can do it!

Time us!
Let's do it!

- Okay!
- Okay!

You can do it!
Beat that 18 seconds!

You're so close!

Whoo!

Wait!
There -- row it there!

Okay. Did we do it?
Was that 18 seconds?

5 minutes.

Still close!

All right,
here's what happened --

right after you sent the text
saying the kitchen was done,

the inspector popped in
for a little surprise visit,

nails us
with four violations,

which pushes us back
for a couple of weeks now.

Blame me.

I can take the hit
from Cam.

You stay with Claire

'cause I can't take the hit
from Gloria.

Right.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!

Not a word.
I do all the talking.

Because you're
a terrible liar.

Hey.
There you are.

Good day?
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm? What -- What's that
supposed to mean?

You only say that
when you're guilty.

You smell like smoke.

Oh, my God, did you
burn the kitchen down again?

It's like you don't want me
to help you!