Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 4 - Sex, Lies & Kickball - full transcript

Jay's best friend visits from Costa Rica but spends more time with Gloria. Alex wants to prove to Claire that her relationship with Ben is sexual.

I wonder what
Manny's doing right now.

Why don't you
call him?

You call him.
I don't care what he's doing.

I'm trying
not to bug him.

He said that he needed
some time
to adjust to college,

so I'm giving him...
Stop the car!

Why would you
do that?!

I think
that's Shorty.

Shorty and I
have been best friends

for as long as I can remember.

He and his wife, Darlene,
moved to Costa Rica

a few years back for, uh--
I don't know why.

Ruin his life eating beans,
fighting malaria,

drinking water
people bathe in?


This is when
you sound racist!

You come to town
and you don't tell me?

I ought to punch you
in the neck,

you son of a bitch.

I want to kick you
in the knee,

you stupid idiot!

That might not
be a thing.

You're a terrible
best friend.

Don't yell at me.
I'm only here
a couple of days.

It was last-minute.
I was gonna call.

This Joe?

You're huge.

Eh, I can be bigger.

What are you doing?
Where are you staying?

I'm checking in
at the hotel over there.

No hotels.

You're as bad with money
as you are with pants.

What's going on
down there, anyway?



Never felt
so comfortable.

Everything goes
where it wants to go.

Shorty, why don't you come
and stay with us?

You will even
get your own room

'cause Manny's
off to college.

How's he doing?

I wish I knew.
He needed some space.

In the meantime,

she sends him a care package
the size of a Fiat,

which included a pack
of my favorite sausage.

I did not
put the sausage...

Well, where did it go, then?!
I know what I ate!

There's too many things
upsetting me right now.

Go get your stuff.

Meet us back at the house.
It's done.

You got it!

It's gonna be so nice
since Manny's gone

to have somebody fun again
in the house.

Are you ready for this,
big boy?

Oh, I'm ready.

And it's gonna get
pretty messy.


So, do you want
to be blue or gold?

I'll be blue.

'Cause I'm cool...

Aah! That tickles!

Claire recently went
to a bachelorette party

where they gave everyone
a passion painting kit.

The idea
is that you and your partner

cover one another
in paint--

get down
on the canvas.

And then get down
on the canvas.

Stop squirming, Phil.

I'm never gonna get
this paint on you.

I'll do you.

You're gonna be so gold,
you'll like an Oscar.

So many people to thank.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, crap,
it's Alex.

Just ignore it.

I can't.
What if something's wrong?

Hi, honey.
Everything okay?

Yeah, I'm just, uh,
letting you know

I'm sleeping at home

Uh, h-how far away
are you?

About 20 minutes.

Oh, that leaves ten minutes
for cleanup.

Also, is it okay if, um,
Ben stays over tonight?


I guess if his mommy
says it's okay.

Mom, you don't
have to take a shot at Ben

every time he comes up.

Yeah, right,
like I wouldn't ask my mom.

I'm really
supposed to ignore that?

he is my boyfriend,

and I'm getting really tired
of this.
Oh, calm down.

It was just a joke.
Well, it's not funny!

When you attack Ben,
you attack me.

Yeah, yeah,
I got it.


where were we?

Honey, I kind of think maybe
the moment has passed.

Oh, it's my dad.
What now?

Just ignore it.

I can't.
What if something's wrong?

Hey, honey.
Hi, Dad.

Shorty's in town!

I need that
set of golf clubs
I gave to Phil.

That bonehead's
certainly not putting
them to any good use.

Why, Dad? Why do you always
have to attack him?

Oh, calm down.
It was just a joke.

I'll pick them up
in the morning.

He pisses me off
so much!

Come on!
Let's do this!

This doesn't feel like
it's about me.

I'm gonna hop
in the shower.


What's been going on
with you lately?

You look so handsome.
Oh, well, thank you, sweetie.

You know what, I added a serum
step to my skin-care regimen.

W-Wait a minute.
You're just angling

for horseback-riding lessons,
aren't you?

Come on!

You're not gonna become
one of those
over-scheduled kids

that burns out
at 13

and wears combat boots
to the beach.

I'm the least-busy Asian kid
in my school.

Great. Take the other end
of this sheet

and help me make up the bed
for Lionel.

staying here tonight?

Yes. Pepper and Ronaldo
are dropping him off.

Last year,
Pepper and Ronaldo told us

that they wanted
to become parents

and were on a quest
to acquire Rihanna's eggs.

And we said,
"Or, you rich queens,

you could provide a home
for a child that needs one."

So they adopted,

and we are a little nervous
about how it's going

because, um, when they first
introduced us to Lionel,

we could tell
that it wasn't a great fit.

Hi, Lionel,
it's nice meeting you.

Cool shirt.

It's a
basketball costume.


Jersey. Right.

Like Jersey Boys.

Okay, somebody fix me
a drink.

We just got cheeseburgers
out of a window

and ate in our car.

Do we have to disclose that
when we sell it?

It seemed like
a bit of a rocky start,

but Pepper said
it's going well.

Parenting does
change you.

You know, before Lily,
I could be so dramatic.

Oh, and I used to be
so uptight.
But look at us now.

Oh, sorry.

Okay, your hand
almost went in my mouth.

Come in,
come in.

I like this!

It's a lot better
than what was here before.

Uh, our kitchen
was there before.

Am I being unclear?

Okay, well, Lionel,
don't you look sharp?

It's Burberry from Harrods
in London. Right?

you wonderful child.

You won't need
those flashcards
much longer.

Here, for Lionel's stay--

some snacks, toiletries,

a design magazine you two
could also flip through.

so, Lionel, uh,

we have you set up
here in the den.

That's where
the TV is,

and Cam tells me
that we have a sports package.

That's okay.

I should practice
my cursive.

Pepper says penmanship
is a lost art.

As are thank-you notes,

which is why
we can only assume

you enjoyed
our anniversary gift.

Anyway, we have to get
to the airport.

How do we say goodbye, Lionel?

Au revoir.

Come walk us
to the door.

What have they done
to him?

Turned him into
a little black Pepper.

It's so infuriating.

She treats you
like you're not even a man.

Doesn't that
bother you?

You know,
if you please everyone,

you're not
making enough progress.

Cheryl Sandberg.

is this garbage?

I don't know.

What's in it?

Uh, "Passion Painting
Erotic Art Kit"?

What is that?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.


Gross! Ugh!

You know what?

If she wants to belittle you
like you're some child,

we are
going to use this

to show her
what kind of man you are.

I don't want to get paint
on my T-shirt and socks.

Well, maybe
you'll just have to
take them off for this one.

Morning! How's my guy?

I had a zillion nightmares.

I was talking to Shorty,
but gee, that's rough.

Hey, let's have breakfast
at my club today.

They do a thing on Friday
called "Yesterday's Potatoes."

They take
last night's French fries

and make 'em into
today's home fries,

and last night's fries
were fantastic.

Sounds delicious,
but, uh,
Gloria already cooked.

Two poached eggs, chorizo,

and a croissant
with blackberry jam.

Manny's favorite.

Geez, why don't you just
call him?

I made it
out of habit.

But thankfully,
Shorty loved it.

Didn't you, Papi?
Okay, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you get out
of those pajamas

What pajamas?
and then come sit while I...

Those aren't pajamas?

Actually, Gloria and I are
gonna go to
the farmer's market

after we drop Joe off
at school.

It's kind of

Your friend has
a very successful
juice business

in Costa Rica.

They call me
the Fruit King.

They must have
seen the outfit.
I'll tell you what.

I got a little thing
this morning at the office.

Why don't we meet
back here at 1:00

for a little
best-friend catch-up? Deal?

Deal. Sounds good.

You know what
doesn't sound good?

One grown man calling another
grown man his best friend.

She doesn't get us.
See you, buddy.

What is that?

with edamame puree.

Pepper says anyone
who's still doing tomato-basil

missed the boat,
or should have.

Hey, Lionel,
you don't have to eat

that stuff
they brought for you.

We-we won't tell.
Ch-- Pop a Cheeto. Be a kid.

But the guys
went to the trouble

of making Rosa
make this for me.

I should finish it.

Hey, Lionel, heads up. Catch.

No, thank you.

Pepper and Ronaldo don't allow
ball play in the house.

Well, you aren't
at Pepper
and Ronaldo's house.

This is
a fun house, so...

Yeah, that's what
they call it.

Well, now I feel like
throwing something,

so, hey, Lionel,
heads up. Catch.

Uh, I'm sorry.

I told Pepper I couldn't move
my arms in this jacket,

but he said,
"Fit over function."

No, you know what?
I-It's fine.
It's fine.

Things break.
I'll pay for it.

No, you won't.
We got it for free

when we opened a credit card
at the gas station.

I insist. I have
traveler's checks in my bag.

No, Lionel,
it's f-- okay.

No, you know what,
this is upsetting me.

He dresses the way
they tell him to dress.

He eats what
they tell him to eat.

I know. They control
his every move,

and he clearly feels pressured
to go along with it.

That's probably
why he keeps telling me

how lucky I am
to live here.

He said that?
Wh-Why didn't you tell us?

You guys don't leave
a lot of space

to jump into your conversat...
You know what this is, Cam?

He's obviously
jealous of Lily

because we allow her
to be a kid
and have fun.

Imagine how jealous
he'll be

when he finds out about
my horseback-riding lessons.

Let it go.
We're not doing that.

You know what
I'm in the mood for?

And I know it sounds crazy,
but waffles.

What the hell?

You're right.

You keep me
from flying too high.

"Happy early birthday, Mom.

Love, Alex and Ben."
Oh, my God.

I know. Your birthday
isn't for six months.

No, Phil!



Hey, guys. Cool painting.
Who did it?

Alex and Ben.

Oh, I think I heard them
making it last night.

She kept saying
he was doing it wrong,

but it looks good
to me.

I mean, I don't know anything
about art,

but... I know
what I like.


I make one comment
about Ben's mommy,

and Alex does this.

It's aggressive.

I remember when she made
a turkey with her handprint.

She's just trying to get
some sort of reaction

out of me,
isn't she?

But you're not gonna
take the bait, right?

You're bigger than that.
I don't know, Phil.

This is-- This is
very disrespectful.

I think she needs to be
taken down a peg.

So then, you'll just
sit her down
and talk to her, right?

I could do that,

maybe over dinner
with her and Ben...

There you go.
I'm proud of you.

...a dinner
no one will soon forget.


But know that
I'm having a waffle.

This is what you're doing
to our family!


You know the rules. Helmet.

Off with you.

Shorty, you're kidding.

I never joke
when it comes to fruit.

That miracle in your hand
is a half plum, half apricot.

There was a time
they could only
accomplish that in juice.


Oh, sorry,
I kind of lost track of time.

Hey, no worries.

Who among us
hasn't blown off
his best friend

he hasn't seen in four years
to go fruit shopping?

Sounds like somebody could use
a Pomegrapefruit Blast.

Blast means "yogurt."

You've been spending
too much time in the jungle.

What you need is
a little civilization.

Let's go bowling.

Well, I would love to,
but, uh...

I kind of want to take a nap
before we go to the theater.

Um, you're taking Shorty
to the theater?

Ah, yes.

I got the tickets
for me and Manny,

but he can't go,
and Shorty loves Wicked.

He thinks he's a Galinda
and his brother an Elphaba.

You know what you're doing,
don't you?

You're turning Shorty
into Manny.

Stop hogging
my best friend!

Okay, if you're so upset,
then you can take him.

But stop saying
"best friend."

You're too old
to be using that word.

Hannah from Montana
has a best friend.

You don't.

At least my best friend
isn't my son.

I'm your best friend, Mom?

Yes, Papi.

You are the son
that he's talking about.

Look, if he said
Lily's lucky to be here,

then he's clearly unhappy
at Pepper and Ronaldo's.

I mean,
w-what kid wouldn't be?

I mean,
that house is so sterile.

Do you remember
when Pepper got mad at me

and he
laid down plastic

before throwing a drink
in my face?

So then,
we have to say something.

I mean, we're their friends.
We're experienced parents.

There's-there's still time
for them to change.

No, it's not our place.

Let's just, you know,
stay out of it.

They keep their door unlocked?

That's the upside
of not having
anything worth stealing.

You're terrible parents.

Okay, so, I guess
we are saying something.

All right.

Time for
some tough love, boys.

Oh, goodness,
we feared you two

might be into
that sort of thing,

but we're
gonna have to pass.

Oh, you can't possibly think
that's what he meant.

No, I'm deflecting!

I feel the sickening threat
of brutal honesty,

and I'm
wildly uncomfortable.

Okay, well,
here goes.

We think it's great that
you adopted Lionel, but...

Okay, a little early
for that reaction.

I haven't even
gotten to say,

"Stop imposing your fancy ways
on that poor child."

And hit it.

Look, we have been at
this parenting thing

for a while now, and...

and Lily is such a delight!

Sorry, I'm gonna be
lashing out for a bit.

Anyway, um,
part of parenting

is exposing your children
to things that you value.

You know, art and culture
and good food...

That's exactly
what we're doing.

But it's also
about letting them
figure out who they are,

doing things
that they want to do

even though
you don't like 'em.

Yeah, he's a kid.

He doesn't want
opera at bedtime
and caviar on his eggs.

He-he wants to play ball
and eat Cheetos.

Well, I did see him spit
some sashimi into a napkin,

but I hoped he was just
worried about his weight.

You know what,
let's get outside.

Let's go do something fun
and show Lionel

that it-- that it's okay
to be a kid with you guys.

What do you say?

Get in there.
It's fine.


And from what fromagerie...

You're from Lubbock, Texas.
You son of a bitch!

I can't believe
no one told me

kickball is performed
on grass.

I can barely stand
Shakespeare in a park.

This is not great
for your people.

Okay, Lionel,
bring me home.

You got this.

Yes, I do, sir.

All right.


Oh, my God, what is happening?
Hit him!

Pepper, hit him!

Hit Cam!

Oh, my!
You can't possibly think
that's what he meant.

Give me that.

Give me that.

I was skeptical
at first

because orange
is so over right now,

but I love it.

You like it, too,

Mm, wonderful.

I haven't seen
this much artificial color

since Ted Turner got his hands
on Casablanca.

Your grandparents
grew up in a trailer.

I hate you.

All right,
who's up next?


Oh. How many scenes
does kickball have?

You can do it, Peppercito!

it's just like dancing.


And five, six,
seven, eight, kick!



Oh! Oh, I'm hurt!

I'm really hurt!

Oh, if you two had any money,
I'd sue you.

Mi amor, it's okay.

It's not okay.

I'm out in the wild,
schvitzing like a line cook.

It's one humiliation
after the next!

Lionel, sweetheart, I want
to be the father you need,

but this is not me.

I hate sports and nature
and-and sherbet--

God, do I hate sherbet!

There's ice cream and sorbet
and nothing in between.

Just so you know,
I don't care about kickball

or Popsicles
or any of that stuff.

I like
how we live.

You do?

Lionel, don't feel pressured
to say that
if you don't mean it.

I mean it.

Backgammon in the study,
cheese from France,

not a cheetah
in sunglasses.

Lionel, you're melting
my heart.

Mine, too,
you perfect boy.

What made you think
I didn't like our life?

Well, now, see...
They were forcing you to,

and it just seemed to us...
It seemed to us...

You told Lily
that she was lucky
to live with us.


I was trying
to make her feel better.

I got so much,
and she got...

They give her haircuts
at home.

Okay, I took a class.

They wouldn't even let her
take horseback-riding lessons.

Because it's dangerous.
Because it's dangerous.

Or is it because
you have to drive me
across town

at 7:00 a.m.?

I thought good parents

were supposed to do things
their kids want to do?

Okay, well,
it's not not dangerous,

and she's also
too young, so...

Cam, come on.
The jig's up.

Yes, Lily, we were--
we were being selfish, okay?

You can have
your lessons.

Thank you.

Can I take horseback-riding
lessons with her, too?

Anything you want.

You can swing by
and pick him up on your way.

Hey, there.

Hi, honey.
How are you?


Well, you seem less scary.

Does this mean
we're gonna have
a nice, pleasant dinner

with our daughter
and her boyfriend?

Hey, give me
a little credit.

I worked so hard
all day

just to make sure
I got everything ready.

Oh, come on!

You have got
to be kidding me.

Well, it turns out
Speedy Frame
really lives up to its name.

We're here!

Claire, I got you
a bottle of pi-- No!

Oh, good,
you got our gift.

You gave it
to them?

Don't freak out, babe.
That's exactly what she wants.

Wow, Mom,
I really love it there.

Me, too.

Sex painting on the wall
means Alex was in her head.

And I wasn't
planning on leaving
anytime soon.

I don't know
where that came from.

More green beans?

Oh, yes.
Don't mind if I do.

I have to admit,
I feel slightly uncomfortable.

it's getting late.

It's 7:30.

So, Dad,
how's work?

No. We're not gonna sit here
and pretend.

We're going to
talk about this.

Your father's right.

When I saw that painting,
I thought...

you're too restrained.

You two need to loosen up

a little.
That's not what I meant.

Oh, no, no, no.

I appreciate the advice,
and that should be an easy fix

now that I've come into my own
with such a virile partner.

Oh, my God.

that is enough!

Look what you're doing
to this poor man,

putting him in the middle
of this twisted power struggle

the two of you!

This is exactly what you
and your dad always did to me.

What are you
talking about?

The first time
I met your dad,

who did not approve of me,
you kept kissing me.

Or the first time
we went away with your family

to that cabin
and you made all those noises.

Th-That wasn't
about that.

Then where did
those noises go, Claire?

I will not stand here
while you tear poor Ben down

the way
that Jay tore me down,

and, Ben,
were you blue or gold?

I need to know.
I was blue.

I wanted
to feel like an Avatar.

Ben, I'm sorry.

Phil and Alex
are right.

You don't deserve
to be treated this way.

Thank you, Claire.
You know, I...

- Not finished. I am doing to you...
- Oh.

exactly what my father
did to me and Phil.

No one was good enough
for his little girl, and...

And I suppose nobody's
good enough for mine.

But, honey, I've been
where you are right now,

and I'm
the last person

who should be making it
harder for you.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

And I'm sorry I left the sex
painting for you to find.

If it makes you
feel any better,

we faked it.

Ben was so freaked out,
he couldn't perform.

Doesn't make me feel
any better.

That helps a lot.

♪ I do believe I have been
changed for the better ♪

I still don't understand
why she's green.

♪ Because I knew you ♪

♪ Because I knew you ♪

♪ Because I knew you ♪

♪ I have been changed ♪

They used to be so close.

You okay?
♪ For good. ♪

What happened to them?
I don't know.

I-I dozed off
for a couple of minutes.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

I'm sorry.
Excuse me.

Damn it.

I should've sent Gloria.

Hey, fella.

What happened in there?

I'm a fraud, Jay.

I'm a damn fraud.

Come on.
We all cry at weird stuff.

For me, it's when boxers hug
after a fight.

It's not the crying
I'm worried about.

You were right.

You said
I would lose everything
if I went to Costa Rica,

and I did.

What are you
talking about?

I-I-I thought you were
a big juice magnate.

It's all lies, Jay!

I'm not no
juice magnate.

I had a juice stand,
and things were okay--

until these monkeys
got a hold of my knives.

The lawyer says
I can't talk about it.

Then Darlene takes off
with this honcho in zip lines

and leaves me.

That's why
I've been avoiding you.

I'm a disgusting loser!

Who are you
talking to?

You don't need
to be embarrassed.

But you said,
"Don't come crying to me

"when it all turns
to hell

and I have to pick up
the pieces."

You said that!
It's just what you say.

Of course I'm gonna
pick up the pieces.

What else would I do?

You're my best friend.

And you're my best friend,
damn it. Come on.

I'm better
because I knew you.

Best friends forever.

Yeah, Gloria's right.
I... I hear it now.

Manny, open the door.
I know you're in there.

Mom, what are you
doing here?

I know that you said
that you wanted your space,

but it's so hard
on me, okay?

So I want
a text message

at the end of every day
telling me that you're okay,

and three times a week,
a picture of your face

so that I can look
into your eyes

and see if
you're lying to me.

Mother, we texted
yesterday morning.

No, we didn't.
That was days ago.

at 8:37 a.m.,

you asked if I got
your care package and said,

"Don't tell Jay
I gave you a sausage,"

then you accidentally
hit voice memo

and I heard you tell Stella
to go in the yard and die.

I'm sorry.

I just miss you.

I guess
it's not so terrible

if you stop on by
every now and then.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH