Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Catch of the Day - full transcript

Phil is superstitious and thinks he's in for a day of bad luck. Mitch thinks Cam is undermining on the kitchen renovation. Can Gloria admit she had an accident?


Good morning, sunshine. How
was your night in the yard?

Perfect. I like
sleeping outside.

Mm-hmm.

Haley lost her keys again.

She's been going through
this irresponsible phase.

Yeah, for 25 years. I'm not
gonna let her get to 26.

Just to be clear,
Claire's not going
to kill her.

Let me in! Please!

No.
Please?

This is just like when we
Ferberized her as a baby.

Let her cry it out.
She'll settle down.

Why?!

What if I just throw
a blanket out there?

Something that smells
like us.

You can't leave me out here!
It's 2:00 in the morning!

I have to change
for a party.

Good night, honey.

Morning, Phil.
No!

It's not a --

It's not a good morning.

It's gonna be
an even worse day.

Every morning,
before I shower,
I kick off my underwear.

If I catch it,
it's gonna be a great day.

If I don't...

No!

...disaster.

I know that sounds crazy,
but it's an old family ritual

my grandfather did
until the day he died --

a day -- you guessed it --
that he dropped his underwear.

I don't know what happened.

It was a strong kick,

ankle flick was on point.

It is just
a ridiculous superstition.

Ridiculous? Let's review.

They day I Rollerbladed
into bees --

I dropped my underwear.
Mm.

The night I Rollerbladed
into that campfire --

How about you
stop Rollerblading?

How about I stop breathing?

When I miss my catch,
the best thing I can do

is just wait it out
in a safe place.

Unh-unh. Not today.
No, no, no.

We have a ton of errands
to get done

before we go see
Steely Dan this afternoon.

What time is that?
3:00 p.m.

Why is it so --

They are not young men, Phil.

Great. My phone is broken,
and it's your fault.

How do you figure that?

Because I had to throw it
at some squirrels last night

to keep them
from attacking me.

You guys have to buy me
a new one.

Costing me money.
It's already happening.

No, it's not
costing you money

because we are not
buying her a new phone.

What?!

But I need it for work.

I sit on a stupid
golf course all day.

What else am I
supposed to look at?

You can have a new phone

when you can afford
a new phone.

Phil, would you cut
and toast those bagels?

With the knife?

Sweetie, here are
the spare keys.

I would like you to make
yourself a copy.

I can't wait to find out

how you lose those.

No wonder the neighbors think
you're so mean.

You hear everything
when you sleep outside.

Gloria!

I was just out in the garage.

Is there anything

you want to tell me?

Ah, yes.

I got rid of

your exercise machine.

It was a piece of junk.

You owe me and Chuck Norris
an apology.

But I'm talking about
the dent in your car.

Did you hit something

we can talk about,

or should I hose the front

and find a body shop

that doesn't ask questions?

I didn't hit anything.

Someone must have hit me when

I was inside the store
with Joe.

But talking about accidents,

if your dog pees one more time

in one of my slippers,

I may accidentally

leave her at the beach.

I would never let that happen.

And don't lash out at her.

If you crashed the car,

just tell me.

I didn't.

And I don't appreciate
being called a liar.

Are you kidding?

You can never admit

to making a mistake,

and it drives me crazy.

Remember that romantic trip

we took to Rome, Indiana?

That's where I wanted to go.

I meant to buy those tickets.

Then why did you
learn Italian?

Mamma mia, Jay.

If I had been in an accident,

I will admit it.

Now, I have to go

and buy more slippers online.

Try not to crash the computer.

Hey, Cam.

So, the towel girl at the gym

said that I look like

an old Prince Harry.

Shh! Shh!

Oh, come on.

Are you eavesdropping
on Pam again?

Yes. I'm trying to,
but you keep talking.

She's on the phone.

Oh, baby,
I miss you, too.

If you were here,
you can't believe...

No. No. Okay,
that's just gross.

That's your sister.
Shh.

...things I'd do to you.

I know you only got
10 minutes...

10 minutes?
He's on a time limit?

...let me get
to the dirty parts...

She's talking
to Bo in jail.

Bo is Pam's baby daddy --

currently incarcerated

back in Grasshopper, Missouri,

for punching a police horse.

And now, I'm worried

she's just gonna

throw her future away by

getting back together
with him.

It's crazy how weak she is

with him when she's so strong
in other ways.

I mean, she is
the three-time winner

of the country-fair mule drag.

Step away
from the pipe, Cam.

Come on.
You're better than that.

No, I'm not,
and neither are you.

You eavesdropped
on that couple

behind us
at "Bridget Jones's Baby."

Oh, no, that wasn't
eavesdropping.

We were in public.

And do you think
I really wanted to hear

that moron's recap
of the first movie?

Half those details
were from "Love Actually."

Do you think I'm happy
about this situation?

I wish I couldn't even
hear her at all!

Hey, Boss, are you done
listening to your sister?

The boys are asking
if they can use
the table saw again.

Okay, well,
he's joking.

Before Francisco
was a contractor,

he did stand-up comedy
in Guatemala.

Not just in Guatemala.

Actually, I'm doing 10 minutes
this Friday night at the --

Oh, we have
dinner reservations.

Oh, gay holiday.
Yeah, um...
Yeah.

So, look, but I do want
to talk about the sink
before you leave.

Sorry, Mitch.
That ship has sailed.

Oh, also, did you bring the
new tiles for the backsplash?

Yes, they're in my truck.
I'll be right back, Boss.

Great. Okay. Yeah.
Go get those.

Hey, um, I-I don't want to
make a big deal about this,

but do you notice how he calls
you "Boss" and me "Mitch"?

No, but I did notice...
Yeah.

...how one of his little
pouches on his tool belt

is filled with jelly beans.
How cute is that?

The point is, he treats you
like the actual boss

and me like I'm some,
you know,
ditzy trophy wife.

First of all,
I thought we agreed

we had the rare
dual-trophy-wife situation.

Yeah.
And aside from that,

maybe it's because
I'm a little more,
you know, assertive.

Do you think so? Because
I actually have thought that.

I mean,
maybe I'm too passive,

which could be why
my career has stalled...
No.

...or I agreed to have sex
with all three women
who asked me.

Okay.
Oh, it was so gentle...

Mm-hmm.
...and gross.

You know what?
Well, now's your chance.

You can show Francisco
that you're the big dog.

It's all about
body language, okay?

Show him you can
lead the pack.

Here you go, Boss.

Let me know which one
you like best, all right?

Well, when we decide,
we will let you know.

But first, I wanted
to talk about the, uh --
the dishwasher.

Uh, I wanted it over here
on the left,

but now, for some reason,
it's on the right.

I would like it on the left
like I asked.

Asserted?

Um...
No, no, no, no.

Eyes -- Eyes over here, okay?
This -- This is my thing.

Well, let me
show you something.

Yeah.
All right,
look under the sink.

Will do.

Go down.
All the way.

Okay, now,
get in there.

Look up. Do you see
that post on your left?

Wait. Ho-- Okay.

I can't move that,

which is why the dishwasher
needs to stay where it is.

Anything else?

No, I'm good.

Got some sawdust
on your shirt.

It tickles.

Hey, kid.
Wake up.

We need to talk.

What?

Your mom's car
got a big dent in it.

Now, I know you were
with her.

Did you see
how that happened?

Someone must have hit the car
when we were in the store.

That's what your mom said,

but if it was something else,
like, I don't know,

she got into a little fender
bender, you could tell me.

Someone must have hit the car
when we were in the store.

I know she got to you,
but, uh...

I need you to tell me
the truth.

Is that ice cream
for me?

Could be.

What happened to
your mom's car?

Mmmmm...

I can wait all day,

but the trouble with ice cream
is, it melts.

I like it when it melts.

What do you mean you like it
when it melts?

Nobody likes ice cream
when it melts.

It's like soup.

You hate soup.

Not chocolate soup.

Look, we're getting
off track here.

Tell me what happened
to your mom's car,

and you can have
your ice cream.

Hello, Jay.

Gloria, I...

Look at you,

trying to bribe
a five-year-old.

You should be ashamed.

Let's go, Joe.
Now that you're awake,

Mommy's gonna fix you
a healthy snack.

Check her phone.

Huh?
Check her phone.

And leave the ice cream.

It'll be nice and warm
when I get back.

Oh, Phil, could you change the
lightbulb down in the kitchen?

First you ask me to help clean
the window screens.

Now you want me
to do something
with a ladder and electricity?

Have you forgotten about
my underwear, Claire?

Look, I have friends
whose husbands are mean

or drink too much
or don't come home at all.

And in that moment,
I envied those friends.

Fine. I will change
the lightbulb in the kitchen.

You can put away this nice,
soft, fluffy laundry.

All right.
Don't worry.

There's not even
any zippers or buttons.

Nothing sharp in there.

Wouldn't want you
to lose a finger

in a tragic
folding incident.

Oh, hey.

I was putting away
that harmless laundry

when I stepped
on Luke's skateboard,

rolled out
the screenless window,

and landed in the hedge.

But you're right.

I'm sure it had nothing to do
with the underwear.

It's self-fulfilling.

Phil believes something bad
is gonna happen,

so he makes it happen.

Ow! Paper cut.

Of course, today.

Seriously?

Is this part of
the underwear prophecy?

Aren't you being
a little dramatic?

Phil?

Little bit harder
to connect the dots
on that one.

But coincidences do happen.

Honey, it's fine.

We'll just finish
our errands on a day

when you catch
your underwear.

Oh, do you have
the tickets?

They're in the car,
but I don't think
I should drive.

Fine, but you are
driving home,

because today,
I'm reelin' in the wine.

Oh, you've got the keys.
Can you toss them to me?

Yeah, here. No!

No! Those are our keys! Stop!

Man plans to go to Steely Dan.

God laughs.

Damn it. Haley has
our other set of keys.

Yes, Claire,
I do think it bit me a little!

Gloria, I'm sorry.

You're my wife.

I love you,
and I trust you.

You can't reason
with a sociopath.

You lure them with kindness.

You lull them into thinking
you're on the same side,

and then nail them with
incontrovertible evidence,

which I had.

I also found out
I'm still listed in her phone

as "Jay, Red Tracksuit."

And if you say you weren't in
an accident, I believe you.

Thank you, baby.

There is just...
one more thing.

Is that my phone?

Yeah. You've got a lot of
interesting pictures here,

but especially this one.

It looks like the front end
of your car

is rammed into the back end
of this car.

Now, I'm not
an insurance adjuster,

but I would say
that that's pretty solid proof

you were in an accident.

That's not my car.

But why would you
take a picture
of some random accident?

To remind me
of how precious life is.

That's your license plate.

Do you even know who makes
license plates, Jay?

Prisoners!

Are you gonna take the word
of a convicted felon

over your wife's?

Makes no sense.
Exactly.

What is your problem?!

Don't you see
what this is doing to me?!

I need to know that you can
admit when you made a mistake.

I know there's good
in you, Gloria!

Here you go.

I -- I am so sorry.

Cherish this.

It was the longest I've been
without a phone since phones.

It was hard at first --
the twitching thumbs,

the phantom vibrations,
salads left un-Instagrammed.

But then
the strangest thing happened.

Have you ever stopped
to smell these things?

It's been years
since I LOL'd IRL.

I even found an old book
in the truck
and started reading it.

The only problem was,
people kept interrupting.

I didn't need a phone anymore.

I just needed a quiet place
to find out

how they kill
that mockingbird.

Hey, excuse me.

Excuse me!

S-Sorry to bother you while
you sand, Francisco, um --

Oh, that's cute.

I just want to revisit
the paint color we chose
for the cabinets.

Do you still have
the old sample?

Uh, maybe.
I'll go look.
Okay.

Did you discuss this
with, uh -- with the boss?

I don't have to
discuss it with --
Daddy, where's Daddy?

Oh. Yeah, what do you need?

My suitcase.
Why?

I'm going to Disneyland
with Tricia's family.

Sweetie, I already
packed your suitcase.

Ugh, there's gonna be
too many shoes.

When did we decide that Lily
could go to Disneyland?

I thought we were gonna
talk about this.

She's missing
one day of school.

I missed half
of the fifth grade
because of a pig bite,

and I'm just as educated
as anyone else.

Really? When we met,
you thought you grew up
in Central America.

Missouri is in
the center of America.

Okay. You also thought
that the cavemen killed
all the dinosaurs.

Were you there?
Okay, t-the point is,

we should be making
these decisions together.

Is this the one
you wanted?

Yes.
What's that doing
back in here?

I just wanted to revisit
the original paint color.

Oh, okay.

Asserting.
Good.

Asserting.

Okay.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

Uh, what's up with the
whispering and the laughing?

He just made a joke.

At my expense?

No, it was about
his wife's cooking,

which can't be as stale
as his material.

What's this about?

You undermined me
with Lily,

and now I'm worried that
you're doing the same
thing with Francisco.

Mitchell, we are on
the same team here.

We both want
a beautiful kitchen,

and we both want it done
as soon as possible.
Yes.

Stop working!

Drills down! Drills down!
I want you so bad.

If only I could reach out
and touch you.

Enough
with the eavesdropping.

Come on.
Yeah. You know what?

If that little train wreck's
getting back together with Bo,

I need to deal
with this directly.

No, you have
to stay here -- Ugh.

Pameron Jessica Tucker,
listen to me.

You need to stop those
dirty jailbird phone calls
right this second with Bo,

or I am --
Oh, my God!

You've been listening in
on my private conversation?

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

Talking like a girl
from Cricketsville --

you were raised
better than that.

You stay the hell
out of my business.

And stop looking
down your nose
at Cricketsville.

They got a Target now with
a Banksy on the side of it.

Yeah, right. I'm sure Banksy
drove to Cricketsville
and painted on the s--

Oh, you mean the ATM.

Well, what the hell else
would I be talking about?

Hi, my name
is Cameron Tucker,

and I would like to speak
to one of your inmates.

His name is Bo Johnson.

Sally Mae Jenkins?

Oh, of course
I remember you!

Oh, wait, but --

I'm not surprised you're
answering phones at a prison.

You always had the prettiest
voice in Central America.

You called Bo, you ginormous
mountain of stupid?!

Yeah, that's right,
I did.

And I told him
you were getting
your life together here

with your baby
and he needed to back off.

He didn't even know
I had his baby.

What?
Now he knows where I am.

He's gonna come looking for me
when he gets out!

You ruined everything,
you giant, horse-faced dummy.

I'm not sure why every insult
needs a size component.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I had no idea that wasn't Bo
on the phone.

Who else would you be so...
intimate with?

Anybody who can pay
three bucks a minute
for nasty talk.

Okay, you're
a phone-sex operator?

My real-person modeling gigs
haven't been paying the bills.

And I needed a job
where I could stay
at home with the baby.

I didn't even know
that still existed.

Like, I thought
it was all apps
and the Internet now.

Not everyone leads your
coastal-elite lifestyle, Cam.

There's a whole country
full of decent,
hardworking Americans

who still want to torque
their doolies on the phone,

you gargantuan snob!

Just could've said "snob."

Oh, get over yourself.
I'm drawing the tree.

Jay?
I tried to call you.

Where's your phone?

It's in my room.

I'm in a creative space
right now.

She's cute.

I'm going through a little
something with your mom.

I need your take on it.

Hm. I'm excited to see
what boundaries we cross here.

She had a little
fender bender.

I've got her
dead to rights --

And she won't admit it.
Yes.

She never admits
when she's wrong.

Thank you. I was beginning
to think I was the crazy one.

Yeah, she'll
do that to you.

I got IBS when she refused
to admit

that she threw out
my collection of Playbills.

I'm gonna pretend
you said "the flu"
and Playboys and move on.

Eh...

I guess I...
miss you being around

to share that eye roll
when she gets kooky.

I always thought you were
rolling your eyes at me.

Well, that, too.

At least she's
worth it, right?

Definitely.

So, did she ever cop
to the Playbills?

You know what?

Yeah, eventually,
but only because
she did something worse.

Wow.
It's actually a good thing.

As long as she's
denying the accident,

you know that's
the worst thing she's done.

Thanks, kiddo.

Hey, while you're here,
I wouldn't mind
picking your brain

about a little problem
I'm having --

well,
one of my characters.

He finds himself
at a crossroads --

Let's keep this special.

Gloria,
I've been thinking.

That whole accident thing?
I'm dropping it.

You say it didn't happen,
it didn't happen.

It happened.

What, are you
admitting it?

Yes. The accident --
it was my fault.

Please forgive me,
mi amor.

Uh-oh.

Where's Stella?

And, Francisco...
Yeah, Boss?

...I guess we should take
another look

at this cabinet color Mitchell
revived from the dead.

To be fair, let's look at it
in the kitchen light.

So, imagine
I'm entertaining.

I'm cooking. I'm throwing out
delightful quips to my guests.

Be honest --
does it wash me out?

It washes me out.

These are the kind
of conversations

I snuck under
the fence for?

Hm?
Is that funny?

Oh.
It's in my act.

It's...
I also do this bit, though,

where I go to a lumberyard and
I meet this hot girl and --

Okay. I'm gonna stop you
right there.

If the punch line has anything
to do with wood,

you're better than that.

Yes, I chose to be
entombed in a wall

rather than admit to Cam
that I was eavesdropping.

And, yes, I realize
couple's counseling

should be back on the table.

This color
Mitchell wants...

You don't seem
to like it.

I don't love it. But he does,
and let's just go with it,

'cause it --
I want to make him happy.

Wow. My wife
wouldn't even ask me.

You're very nice.
He's lucky to have you.

I'm the lucky one,
trust me.

You know, we start
every morning off
in this kitchen, and I --

I want us both to walk in here
and see something
we each love.

I do!
I-I do see something I love!

And it's you.

Mitchell!
Oh.

What in the he--

You were eavesdropping.

I'm sorry.
I-I stand by what I said.

Eavesdropping is wrong.

I-I should have just asked,
uh, Francisco myself.

W-Why is it you call him
"Boss" and me "Mitch"?

Oh, uh, uh...

It's okay. You can tell me.
I-I can take it.

Well, uh, I can't remember
his name.

What?
Really?

You know, I keep
wanting to say "Krang,"

but I know that
that's not right.

Unless it is?

It's Cam.
It's Cam.

Okay. We have spent every day
together, Francisco.

I'm a little offended.

Oh. Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

my name's
actually Fernando.

Oh.
It does help.

Ah! There she is.

Haley!

Haley!

Haley!
Oh, my God!

What is going on?!

Damn it!
We need those keys!

Got to get to the concert
before the roadies

pick all the hot chicks
that get to party backstage.

I'm confused.

Even back in the day,
they weren't exactly --
Haley!

You know what?
I'll go get them.

No. No. You can't.

Um, not today.

You believe in the curse,
don't you?

I don't understand it.

Bad things have been happening
to you all day.

Maybe...

Maybe it's the underwear.

I just --
I can't take a chance.

You stay here.
No, no, no, no, no.

You getting hurt
is the worst possible thing

that could happen
to me.

Tell the kids
I love them.

Oh, honey.

Are you, uh --
Are you not wearing a bra?

Eh.
Oh.

All right, be safe.

Oh, my God.

That's Dunphy.

50 bucks to the first guy
who hits him, huh?

Go.

Haley!

Oh, Dad?

Okay, listen.

I lost my car keys.
I need the spare set.

I know that makes me
a hypocrite.

But you have every right
to be angry with me.

How could I be angry
when there's so much

to be grateful for?

Is that a -- a book?

I never would have
picked it up if you had
bought me a new phone.

You've gotten a little gray.
I like it.

Honey...the keys?

Sorry. I was distracted
by those bumblebees.

Shh, listen -- They're
talking to each other.

Hm.

Huh.

Ow!
Yeah!

Is that freakin' Gil?

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Well, that could happen
any day.

He's still moving!
Machine-gun him!

Just hit as fast
as you can!

Dear God!
He's got me dialed in!

Oh, morning, guys.
You missed
a beautiful sunrise.

You know,
living without a phone
these past few days

has been such a gift.

Colors are brighter.
Tastes are tastier.

Have you ever eaten a peach?

I mean, really eaten a peach?

Well, most of this
is in my short story.

The best part, though,
has been

really getting
to know you two.

Dad, you are so funny.

And you have such kind eyes.

And, Mom --

president of a closet company?

Way to go!

I guess that's why it makes it
so hard to say goodbye.

Came in this morning.
Luke set it up for me.

He really shot up, huh?

Anyway, in the weeks to come,

try and remember that, uh...

Wh-- That skank -- No way!