Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 22 - Clash of Swords - full transcript

Didn't you just cut his hair?

Yes, but it's his kindergarten
graduation party today.

Okay, no messy
goodbyes, I'm out of here.

Ay, papi, I'm going to miss you.

Can you at least stay for the
party that I'm making for Joe?

Mom, Mrs. Nussbaum is paying me

to get her car to Delaware
by Friday at noon.

I already lost an hour
looking for my driving gloves.

You're plowing
through the heartlands

in an inchworm-green Camry

with a bumper sticker
that says "Meat is Murder."



I hid these gloves for a reason.

Listen, uh, we weren't
kidding about you being careful.

And, uh, not to get dramatic,
keep your wits about you.

Here. What the hell is that?

It's an air freshener.
What does it look like?

I'm going on the Martha Stewart

bed-and-breakfast
tour of America,

not an Aboriginal manhood quest.

I'm not saying
you're gonna need it,

just better safe than sorry.

Slash, don't stab.

Uh...

Stop wiggling. I'm almost done.

Why'd you gasp?



Ah! My hair is my identity!

♪♪

♪♪

Uh, Cam? Uh, turns out I have
to do that work thing after all.

I'll meet you at Joe's party?

Oh, okay. Cal, come give
your Uncle Mitchell a hug.

Hug!

No. No, no hug.
No... where is he?

Which way is he coming
from? Coming from?

Ahhh!

Cam's sister's son
is staying with us

because, well, you
know, she's back in jail.

But she didn't do
anything terrible.

She just didn't understand

the rules of her probation
from last time, when...

When she did
something a little terrible.

But we're taking baby Cal

back to live with my
parents on the farm.

Which is a good thing
because he's not really a...

A house baby.

No, no, he's freakishly strong
and off the charts size-wise.

On the charts. 99th percentile.

He has two teeth and I've
seen him eat a whole chicken.

Mm-hmm.

All right, I got to go.

Wait, where's my hug?

Hug! Go! Go! Save yourself!

Ohh. Yep. Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Our costumes are in the back.

Phil and I are going to Hero-Con

to indulge in our
love of fantasy fiction.

Um, I-I've always wanted to go,

but i-it's a little
nerd-forward,

and I was always afraid my
family would make fun of me.

So I've asked Phil
to keep it between us.

That's why we chose
our secret warrior signal.

My first suggestion was
to blow a Viking horn.

- Don't ever Google that,
by the way.
- I already did.

This year, there's a panel,
um, on our favorite show,

Clash of Swords.

It's got a lot of graphic
violence and female nudity,

but that's part of its appeal

to the fierce warrior
inside every man.

My eyeliner keeps smudging.

Thanks a lot, gal
at the MAC counter.

Who cares? We look great.

Let's do this!

Just remember we left our
trusty steed in section 22B.

I can't do it, Phil.

Oh, okay. I can write it down.

No, no. I-I-I thought I
was ready, but I'm not.

I'm not. I-I've fantasized
so long about coming,

and now that... that
we're here, I am...

I'm mortified, okay?
I'm a 40-year-old man.

No, you're not.

You're a 390-year-old
Highland Norph,

and you're walking
in with a lifer.

This baby gets us all-access
and two free yards of mead.

Through those doors
lies your destiny.

What's the Galderean
word for "bravery"?

Lochtani.

Again! Lochtani.

Namu oponggi su-whi-gorth!

Have you seen Margaret?

I need her to clear my day.

I just found out you can
get the Golf Channel online.

Nope, she's out sick again.

Oh, Dad, don't forget
we're about to meet with

those guys from that start-up.

Oh, right, aspiring closeteers

seeking advice from
an industry legend.

Yeah, just skip that
part of your speech

where you say "I
didn't choose closets..."

They chose me!

Hey... Oh.

We didn't know where to
hang up our puffer vests,

so we just dropped them
on some rando's desk.

Hi. You must be the
guys from EzraVision.

Yes, I am Nick. And
these are my guys.

Jay Pritchett, obviously.

Fellas, take a seat.
Make yourself comfortable.

Which one is gonna be
holding the tape recorder?

You know what? Why don't
we just make this quick?

We actually have to go
hang out in a bike shop

that only plays Drake.

So here's our
offer, best and final.

Offer for what?

For your company.

We want to buy you out.

I'm sorry, we thought
that you were here to just,

you know, get information.

Get out of here!

Dad, if you would
just let me speak...

Who do you think you are,

marching in here like
a bunch of hotshots?

And why is nobody
wearing socks?!

Ooh, lower the B.P., O.G.

We're actually trying
to do you a favor.

Okay, I think you
have this twisted.

This company has been around
since before you all were born.

Except for maybe him.
How is he part of this?

This guy?

That's our over-40
diversity hire. Ah.

Listen, we have developed
smart-closet technology

that's gonna make
places like this obsolete.

We are giving you a chance

to get out while
you're still ahead.

Speaking of which...
Get out of here!

Okay. Offer's good for 48 hours.

Two get out of heres?

Do you believe these punks?

I mean, and what was
with all this eye contact?

In my day, nerds had the
decency to stare at their shoes!

Their website looks legitimate.

I mean, they've got
some pretty great clients.

Wait a second, is that Margaret?

She's working there. They
must have poached her.

Brainwashed her,
is what they did.

Margaret is very vulnerable.

I've had to rescue
her a bunch of times

from cults and an Amway pyramid.

Come on. Let's
get our girl back!

You were all the way
out of the Grand Canyon

before you realized no
one was on my donkey.

But, sure, let's
go save Margaret.

Oh, wow!

Mom, my dinosaur
party looks amazing!

But we're in that room.

Somebody must've done another
dinosaur party right next to us.

Gloria?

Doctor Donna Duncan.

You remember my stepson, Digby.

He prefers nonverbal
communication.

This is your party?

You see, I saw that
you had signed up

to throw a party for
Miss Jessica's class,

so I thought I'd throw a
little party for Miss Elaine.

It belches fire and then
shoots candy all over the room.

Hey, girl, hey!

I'm not going on your road trip.

What? Luke told me that
you've been hounding him

because you don't want to
drive cross-country alone.

Oh, I'm just trying
to do you a favor.

You're going to a
conference in Memphis.

It's only 12 hours
out of my way.

Hey, no need to be afraid.

Afraid?

Manny, I'm a pretty girl
who wears low-cut tops.

I know what a scared
19-year-old boy looks like.

Dude, you brought a
pan flute to the fifth grade.

You serenade girls who
are way out of your league.

You're a baller. You got this.

Thanks.

Anytime.

Manny. Manny,
this is kidnapping.

Wow, this office is huge.

Just placed it.

This used to be
Schweinberg's department store.

Wall of TVs over there.

I almost knocked down
the display of fondue pots

when I saw they were letting
Barbara Walters anchor the news.

Look who's here!

You are not gonna
regret taking our offer.

Let's celebrate.

We're not here to sell.

We're here to bring
Margaret home.

Who's Margaret?

Margie!

Margie-Marge!

How did they get you?

Are you still wandering
around alone in pet stores?

I've told you, that's the kind
of person these cults target!

I like it here.

They have one of those machines
that makes every kind of soda.

But you're diabetic.
And a grown-up.

You know, since you're here,
whydon't I show you the new model?

Come here. Come over here.

Come here. This is
the EzraVision Elitist.

Ohhh. Yeah.

Stand right over there.

Face forward.

Good afternoon, Ezra.

Good afternoon.
How may I help you?

What is that?

Ezra, full body scan.

Here we go.

Scan complete.
Searching wardrobe. Ha!

Based on today's
weather forecast,

here's your optimal outfit.

Check the label.

Just my size. Yes, it is.

See, this is the
future of closets...

Automated, intelligent...

That's what they said about
the "mood closet" in the '70s,

and I buried them. Very cranky.

Yes, but he has earned
the right to be cranky,

because my father is
a giant in this industry,

and he had to skip his ice-cream
sandwich today to come here.

Nick, it's time for laser tag.

Yes! You know what?

No matter how it shakes
out, you can keep the pants.

Those are on me. Let's go!

Let's get the hell out of here.

Hang on, Dad. I...

I don't like these dorks
any more than you do,

but they might be
onto something.

What are you saying?
Do you want to sell?

No, I was thinking
more of a merger.

I did some digging,

and they are two years
behind on production.

They need our manufacturing,

and frankly, we
need their technology.

Nope, not gonna happen.
End of conversation.

Really? Oh.

I-I'm having a
business discussion.

I am not negotiating
a new bedtime.

I'm not taking on
an outside partner.

Oh, I get it, 'cause you're
not very good with partners.

I mean, you put me in
charge, like, nine times,

but if it's an
important decision,

I should just shut up.

Well, I can't help it

if I have a sixth sense
about this business.

Closets chose me!

Oh, my gosh! Hey!

It's going great
over there, huh?

What's this? Are
these kids in trouble?

That's a different,
fancier party than this.

The only fun thing I have is
that pyramid made out of...

Ay, Cam, look what your
giant baby nephew did!

Yeah, but you
know, it's not his fault.

He's three times the
size of a child his age.

And you know what,
some Tucker boys

have a young growth
spurt that's no picnic.

I had to go to court
to play Little League.

Cameron, sweetie!

I thought I heard your voice

cutting through the
joyless silence of this...

I want to say party,

but I'm afraid it
will sound sarcastic.

You guys are friends?

Uh, well, we go to the
same blowout parlor, yeah.

Wait a minute, did you
pay for my Belizian blowout

just so I would shout the
details of Gloria's party

so you could outdo her?

Oh, look at you catching on.

Kids, sorry to wake you.

But I'm gonna leave
these wristbands here

in case any of you want to
come ride our roller coaster.

The mechanical kind,

not the emotional
one you've been on

since you came
through these doors.

Get out of here!

Not you, not you, not you.

Oh, God, this is
worse than I thought.

There are so many eyes on me.

I mean, yes, sure,

less because of all
the cyclopses, but still.

You can do this. Elf up.

My two favorite Rhine
maidens! Linda! Karen!

Sold them a duplex.

Sweet home Alduzzarna,

it's The Foolmaker from
Clash of Swords season five!

I'm only on season
three. I-I feel lost. Help me.

Oh, okay. During
the Feast of Figs,

the Forest Prince banished
Migolaf the Wanderer

to the outer reaches
of The Forsaken Realm.

Migolaf waylaid the
Iguodalan Dwarves

and cursed the high cleric to
an eternity of feeble-mindedness

using the mighty
scepter known as...

Oh, my God. The
Foolmaker. I got to get a selfie.

H'oww! Ooh, careful! Careful!

Oh, boy. Okay.

Good thing it's not the real one

or I'd be cursed to
spend the rest of my days

as a bumbling idiot.

Aw, are you gonna have
a little porridge maiden

or a little warrior?

I'm not pregnant, dipwad.

Phil, why would you say that?!

I don't know, it just came out.

I mean, The Foolmaker...

You're not cursed, okay?
It's a prop. It's not real.

All right. The panel's this way.

Hey, man. Sick scale armor!

Oh, really? You think so? It's
not too much with the cape?

I wanted something that
would go from feast to battle.

- Crushed it.
- Yes!

Oh, we're about to take our
annual Norph group photo.

- You coming?
- Yes, yes!

Phil, we're taking a pic...

Oh, I'm sorry. I lost my friend.

Hey, most of us come alone.
You don't have to pretend.

I... Th...

Oh, great, the
Q&A's just starting.

Mitch?

That's a very, very
good question...

Mitchell? and the
answer to that is...

Scary ogre teeth.
Where'd you get those?

I'm guessing my birth parents.

I'm so sorry.

Why can't I just shut up?

Sorry, was I going on too long?

I didn't...

You're Joel L.L. Logan.

What's your question, friend?

Oh, uh... Don't be shy.

I may have created this kingdom,

but we're all
fellow heirs to it.

Isn't that right?

In that case, Mr. Logan...

Uh, I read on a fan page

there's gonna be a Mozgovian
uprising in the season finale

that'll wipe out the
entire ruling class,

including the gruesome beheading
of Adebayo the Righteous.

Um...

Wait, a-are you... Are
you gonna kill Adebayo?

What? No, no.

Who's... Who... Who's Adebayo?

Oh, dear lord. It is true.

You fool! Why would
you ask him that?!

We all stay off of
spoiler sites for a reason!

This show is the only thing
I'vegot going on, and you ruined it!

Ohh! Ow!

They let you bring
your spheres?!

They took away my tweezers!

Manny?

This is the check Mrs.
Nussbaum gave me

to drive her car to Delaware.

It's yours if you come with me.

Okay. Wait, what?

Well, Haley already
warned me you'd be asking,

and I thought, "Sure."

My favorite research
institute is on the way.

And I could bring my
windsock and barometer

for that new weather modeling
project I've been noodling with.

Huh.

I couldn't help noticing a lot
of loose hairs on your pillow

and a stack of fully
completed Sudoku books.

Weren't you supposed to
be taking it easy this summer?

No school, no projects...

Yeah, I'm loving it.

What are the chances
I open your dresser

and find a calendar
with three X'd out days

and a giant red circle around
the date school starts again?

You don't know me.

Look, you're facing a
challenge that scares you,

but you know in your
heart you need to take it on

because it'll help you grow

and become a stronger,
more balanced person.

Ugh.

Of course I know
you're right, but it's hard!

People are out there
discovering planets,

and I'm in here doing
BuzzFeed quizzes.

Like if I were to be a
Beatle, who would I be?

I'd be Ringo. Who cares, Manny?!

Manny?

Whoo-hoo!

♪♪

I may have lost Phil,
but I found my people.

And the choreography was a snap.

It's basically a river dance,
uh, crossed with the hora.

I bring news from
the Catalina Room!

A dark shadow has
fallen upon the kingdom.

The gods will not
be pleased by this...

Just get to it, Gary!

Some dingus just
spoiled the finale!

This shall not go unpunished!

Let's get him!

Where have you been?
I've been waiting forever.

I was angry. I
needed to take a walk

so I could forget how
pigheaded you can be.

You want to take another lap?

Dad, I am right about this.

Eventually Nick is gonna figureout
how to keep up with demand,

and then where are we gonna be?

I know your style has
always been just tough it out

and... And beat
back every threat...

That's not it, Claire.

You're right. We
can't beat these guys.

A merger's the
only long-term play.

I just don't know
who I am in there.

- What?
- They're all 25,
zippin' around on their...

The hoverboards?

What's that make
me, the cute old guy?

The mascot?

"Old man Pritchett's
in the men's room.

Let's go watch him cuss out
the automatic faucets again."

Aw, Dad.

I can't promise that

you wouldn't feel
old in that building,

but from the outside looking in,

I mean, you're the guy

who's holding his own
with kids a third his age.

That makes you like the...
the Tony Bennett of closets.

I told you I took an elevator
with him in Rome, right?

Yeah, you did.
And you know what,

in that building, there's
a bunch of people

who have never heard that story.

Did he have a
Chihuahua with him?

- A mink.
- A mink?

- A live mink.
- Yeah.

- All class.
- Yeah.

It's just a little intimidating.

You don't think they're
gonna be scared of you?

Come on. Dad, look at them.

I don't care what ironic T-shirt
their closets pick out for them.

Underneath, they're still nerds.

I can't.

Yeah, this might be okay.

I want to see him. Let me
through, let me through!

You're the spoiler?

I didn't do it on purpose!

It was The Foolmaker!

The scepter is a prop, okay?

It's just the power
of suggestion.

Mitchell, they want to take
away my all-access pass.

You've got to help me.
You know this scoundrel?

Uh, yeah, I think our kids
go to school with one...

Mitchell! Okay yes,
yes... yes, I know him.

I know him! They're monsters.

They've been pelting me
with Chobani flail spheres.

Wait... Ch-Chobani,
like the yoghurt?

The show took on corporate
sponsors in season four.

Oh.

Seriously, Gary?

I helped you build a deck!

Okay, stop, stop it!
What are we doing, huh?

Is this how Norphs behave?

Actually, we're quite war-like.

Okay, well... look, look,
this man, he made a mistake,

but if we banish him,

we're no better than the people
who shamed us all these years,

who... who picked
us last for team sports,

who left us off of group e-mails
about bar association dances.

We're all oddballs
and misfits and weirdos,

but the great thing about
this place is we all belong,

especially this good man,

who gave me the
courage to conquer my fear

and become part
of this community.

Let's welcome him back.

The red one, Gary!

Where is that dinosaur?

I certainly hope I don't

accidentally
turn off the lights.

As a gay man, I know
every party planner in town.

So I sent out a group text,
and as luck would have it,

my friend Ronaldo was wrapping
up a kid's Peter Pan party.

And I said, "Send
me whatever you got."

I think I hear some music!

Where my Lost Boys at?!

What the hell is this?!

I thought you said you were
at a kid's Peter Pan party.

No, no, no. I said,
"Kit's Peter Pan party."

It's his 11th time turning 50.

Close your eyes!
No! Don't look at that!

Please, I'm so sorry!

Enough! Enough!

Everybody out! Even the kids!

I can't fight this anymore.
Go to the nice party!

Just follow the fairy!

She meant me.
Everybody calm down.

Thank you so much for today.

I-I never would've
gone through with it

if you hadn't inspired me.

- I inspired you?
- Mm.

Wait.

In book the third,
the high cleric

overcomes the curse
of The Foolmaker

by being pure of heart

and goes on to be a
great inspirer of people.

Do you think...

You seem glum.

Perhaps you should be
turning your passions elsewhere.

You're right. I'm going
back to vet school.

It's about time I grew up.

I'm sorry, Gloria.

It's okay. I'm not mad.

What happened to the party?

Cam ruined it two ways.

I just wanted a
nice party for Joe.

There's only so long

that you can make
things perfect for them.

Suddenly, they move on.

They wake up one morning

and they want to drive
cross-country all alone.

Oh, right, Manny.

I know you're scared,
but your should feel proud.

You took kind of a...

You can say it... a weird kid.

A weird kid, and turned
him into somebody

so comfortable with himself

that he's willing to take
on a pretty big adventure.

Thank you, Cam.

I wish I had that.

I mean, I was a weird kid

whose family only
made him feel weirder.

I mean, it took until
today to do an adventure

that I have wanted to do
since I was Manny's age.

I-I went to Hero-Con.

Not in costume?

Affirmative, Fizbo.

Okay, if this is
something you're into,

why haven't you ever told me?

I haven't told anyone.

I mean, I tried
with my mom once,

but I chickened out and
told her I was gay instead.

And I-I wasn't even
sure at that point.

Why are there so many ways
for a parent to break a kid?

Ugh.

Hug!

No, no, no!

Oh.

Oh.

Aw, you know, it makes
me worried for this little guy.

I love my parents,

but they weren't exactly
the best when I was...

when I was this.

Go play.

Mitchell, I'm, uh, proud
of the risk you took today

following your heart.

You should do more of that.

Cam, should Cal live with us?

He... He should.

- Yeah.
- Very well.

Sorry we're late.
Traffic, you know.

I keep telling you to try Waze,

but you're scared of
technology, and you shouldn't be.

We're merging Pritchett's with
a high-tech closet company.

Excellent.

And, Gloria, you speak often of
your passion for ventriloquism.

It's been a long day, Phil.

This one needs more time.

Notes from the road.

Alternate title, The
United States of Me.

Fear... Friend or Foe?

As children, we're taught
to fear what can hurt us.

But as adults, we're
expected to conquer

what we're afraid of.

♪♪

So what are fears?

Do they keep us alive?

Or do they keep us from living?

Hey!

You're blocking the
driveway. Hit the road already.

Okay, I'm going.

Jay, hurry up, we
want to go home!

I can't get this
damn thing to work!

Oh, no, is it one of
those automatic sinks?

You know what, he
should do a hard reboot...

Go back to the urinal
and re-approach.

What's going on in there?

I can't even get a
trickle out of this thing!

Oh, I find not
thinking about it helps!

No, it's the
sink. It's the sink.

Makes no sense!

I'm waving my arms like I'm
directing a plane into a gate!

He's gonna break it like
he broke the remote control.

Let's just go! The paper
towel thing is automatic, too!

Oh, Dad.