Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 21 - The Escape - full transcript

Ew. Are you doing
laundry on the stove

like in olden times?

Oh, my God. Are we poor?

I knew Dad's magic
shop would destroy us.

No, it is my Aunt Becky's
favorite tomato soup,

and I am bringing it to her

because she's
recovering from a stroke.

Is she the mean one you
guys used to be so scared of?

Oh, God, yes,
especially Uncle Mitchell.

It was like he was
a weak gazelle

and she was a hungry,
homophobic cheetah.



No offense, but
that soup stinks.

No, it smells fine.

Is someone burning Frisbees?

It's soup!

No, that's not it.

Oh, look at you all dressed up.

Coming with us to watch
Uncle Mitchell sweat?

No, Arvin's dad
is in from London,

and he wants me to meet him.

Hang on.

You're not hungover.

Hair's conservative,
no cleavage.

Oh, my God. You're trying
to make a good impression.

You're in love!



Shut up. I am not.

Ohh, I don't know.

I see how hard you
work at this relationship.

You woke up early
to watch soccer

and you called it football.

Oh, just calm down.

It's been three months,

and everyone knows Liverpool
is having a cracking good year.

Still, meeting a parent is a
major relationship milestone.

Claire, you're
getting my hopes up,

and I still haven't
recovered from Andy.

And don't even get
me started on Dylan.

I get nostalgic every time I see
someone sleeping in their car.

You nervous?

No.

And even if I were,
I've got it covered.

I've got these new
stickers from NERP.

So, our latest product

is the most amazing
scientific breakthrough...

Stickers!

Oh, you're a genius.

What an amazing
time we live in. I can't.

So, they're designed
to reduce stress

and to help you boldly
pursue greatness

by scrambling the
rational part of the brain

that asks, "Does
this seem right?"

Anyway, since I can't
test on laboratory rats,

I'm gonna need
you guys to try them.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So, wait... No one
here has a pacemaker

or lawyer parents, right?

No. No.

Then test away!

♪♪

♪♪

I'll go see what
room Becky's in,

or we can just feel for
which doorknob is cold.

Phil, Phil. Did you see
what's across the street?

An escape room. Oh, I did.

No, we're not doing
that. No way in hell.

She also said no to ice cream.

Escape room? What is that?

Oh, it's a themed room
that they lock you in,

and then you have to
solve puzzles and clues

to, um, you know, escape.

Or they cut off your finger?

What? No.

It's just for fun. Yeah.

Oh, but then that
lowers the stakes.

Okay. She's in
Room 208. Let's go.

Jay, did you hear that
there is an escape room

across the street?

We're not doing that. Why not?

Because when you get
in a stressful situation,

you start to scream,

and I'm not taking that
show into a locked room.

Yeah, and this one gets
panicked if he's stuck in traffic

for more than five minutes.

Guess it's just you and me.

Oh, hard pass, honey.

In a confined space,

you're just bouncing
off the wall like Flubber.

It's no secret my sister Becky
and I have our differences.

They haven't
talked in nine years.

She's kind of a monster.

I've only met her
once, at our wedding.

Imagine if you took all
of Jay's worst qualities

and wrapped them in a pantsuit.

But as soon as I
heard she had a stroke,

I knew I had to
rush to her side.

It happened three weeks ago.

Right in the middle
of hockey playoffs!

Typical Becky!

Okay. There she is.

Hi, Aunt Becky.

I think she's sleeping.

With the same mean
old puss on her face.

Hey, Mitchell. Why don't
you give her a little kiss?

- You give her
a little kiss.
- No.

Who's there?

Oh! My darling family.

You came.

Something's wrong
with her mouth.

She's smiling.

Mitchell, you've
gotten so handsome.

Have you finally
met a good woman?

I'm sorry. What?

You're messing with me,
right, Becky? You know that...

Hey, folks, can I speak
with you for a second?

This is just like when
I came out years ago.

She knows what she's doing.

Actually, she doesn't.

The stroke may have scrambled
some of Becky's memories.

So she doesn't
remember me coming out?

Correct.

And now presumes
you're straight.

That part I can't explain.

Have you tried popping
her on the noggin?

She's not a jukebox, Fonzie.

And besides, it doesn't work.

It only made my uncle
worse. He never woke up.

Well, hopefully her
memory will return.

Often, it's the little things
that trigger recollection...

A smell, a song, a
picture, even just her family.

Thank you. Thank
you so much, doctor.

Did you kill your uncle?

She doesn't remember I'm gay.

Yeah, no, I know. I was
here for the whole explanation.

This means I get to
come out to her again.

It was a disaster
the first time.

I was... I was so wishy-washy

about the whole thing
that when I finally said,

"I-I think I might be gay,"

she said, "Ew."

Are you sure she
didn't mean, "Ooh"?

No, no. It was followed
up by a whole bunch of stuff

- about me
making Jesus cry.
- Oh.

For 20 years, I've
regretted that moment,

and today, I get the
chance to make it right.

Or you could just leave a
poor, old demented woman alone

and not make her
stroke all about you.

Why do I even bring
you to these things?

Wow.

Well, Aunt Becky,
what a necklace.

Oh. Isn't it lovely?

It was a gift from a prince
I met in Liechtenstein.

- Really?
- Mmm-mmm.

Phil, that is my necklace.

I lent it to her for Dad
and Gloria's wedding,

and she never gave it back.

She said she lost it.

Claire, the woman
just had a stroke.

When I graduated, my mother
gave me a very special necklace,

which I returned so I
could get that necklace.

I'm getting it back.

Where are you going?

I'm going to heat up the soup.

Maybe the smell
will jog her memory.

Hasn't she suffered enough?

I guess I'm proudest of
these two little guys here.

This is the Spacemaster
500, and this is the Xanadu...

Newest additions to the
Pritchett's Closets family.

What's Pritchett's Closets?

This damn disease
doesn't care what it destroys.

I know what would
help you remember.

Joe and Manny made
you a "get well" video.

Oh.

Oh. You know what?

I forgot my
cellphone in the car.

I'll be right back.

Oh, thank you, Dede.

Breathe.

Are you comfortable?
Can I help you with anything

that's not disgusting?

I'm fine.

But I was wondering
if, this summer,

I could borrow
your fishing cabin.

My fishing cabin?

My dad had a fishing cabin
that he promised would go to me,

but the double-crossing
bastard left it to my sister Becky,

who's also a double-crosser.

Now that her memory
is Swiss cheese,

I can steal my cabin back.

Finally, the good guy wins.

Hello, Father.

Arvin, my boy!

Uh, allow me to
introduce to you...

Haley Dunphy.

Malcolm Fennerman.
It is my pleasure.

Nicely done, son.

Glad to see you've
got yourself a little lass.

He said "lass." Ah.

Oh, by the way,
slight change in plan.

Um, at the last minute,
your mum decided

to join me on the trip.

What? Yes.

I, um, can't go
anywhere by myself

after that weekend in Brighton.

Mum's coming here? Now?

Is everything okay?

Is there time to get a drink?

I'm afraid not. Man
your battle stations.

Hello.

I am Dr. Iris Fennerman.

So nice to finally
meet the woman

with whom my son is so enamored

and yet I know nothing about.

Well, I'm just your
average American girl,

although much
thinner, thank God.

Oh, also I work at NERP. NERP?

Nano Electronics
Research Project.

Oh? Yeah, Haley is a colleague.

It's very top-secret,
though. Hush, hush.

We probably already
said too much.

Malcolm, how is it
we are not seated yet?

Well, I didn't want to...

Pi... pick the
wrong table again.

Oh, don't be silly. I'd
be happy anywhere.

Since when?

"Nano Electronics"?
What was that?

Please, just play along.

What's all that
whispering back there?

Uh, nothing, Mum.
Just, um, science talk.

Ugh, I had to get away.

It's getting way too
Pritchett-y in there.

Why can't they just let this
be a fun nursing-home visit?

Exactly. We're in Riverside.

We should be tearing it up.

Hey, let's go to
that escape room.

I am in.

Hey, Gloria. We're
going to the escape room.

You want to come?

That sounds fun. JAY: Gloria!

- I think Jay needs me. He's very sad.
- Oh.

Forget the videos.

We have to keep her
from remembering anything

so I can nab her fishing cabin!

I suddenly feel like escaping.

I'm so glad we're doing this.

I know. Me, too.

Oh, well, I don't... I
don't think this is the way.

What is this place?

I don't know. Let's
just go back up.

Oh, no. It's locked!

Okay, call someone. I
don't have a cellphone.

Okay, well, I don't
have any service.

I don't either. Guys,
if we don't figure out

a way to get out of here soon,

we're never gonna make
it to the escape room.

Haley, I know your
job is top secret,

but I'm so fascinated
by nanotechnology...

Self-replicating
robots and such.

I'd love to hear your
insight into grey goo.

Ooh, I can answer that.

It's my favorite vodka.

Hmm?

Enough about me.
Um, I love your blazer.

Do you have a
corgi like the queen?

Crazy times in
London. Am I right?

I hear that your, um,
bridge is falling down,

falling down.

Haley is obviously joking.

It's that... It's that Yankee
sense of humor, you know.

"Eat my shorts."

"Schwing!"

What is that on your arm?

Oh, it's my elbow.

How delightful.

10 points for Gryffindor.

No, the sticker-y thing.

Oh, it's actually from my work.

It channels the
energy of your brain...

Aah-bup-bup-ma-bup-bup!

Can't talk about that. Remember?

Fine. Then let's
talk about Arvin.

Have you reached a decision
on your research fellowship?

I have decided not to take it.

Why not? I mean, you'd be
working on the CERN collider...

It's the opportunity
of a lifetime!

Well, I don't feel like
spending six months

underground in S-Switzerland.

Oh, please, don't tell me you're
turning this down because of a girl.

Listen, I had nothing
to do with this.

Oh, darling, you have
everything to do with this.

You've always shown bad judgment

when it comes to a pretty girl.

That's not fair. Oh, thank you.

But at least you've
never let one of them

get in the way of your career.

Look, I'm not getting
in the way of anything.

Arvin never told me about it,

and even if he did, I
wouldn't understand.

The NERP I work for is a
website run by an actress

who thinks she knows science

because, once in a
James Bond movie,

she played a nuclear
physicist, Dr. Mona Lott.

Haley! Where are you going?

Oh, I was offered a
fellowship to the bathroom,

and I'm accepting it!

Do you remember
that security system

I had installed in
my fishing cabin?

I gave you the code the
last time I let you use it.

I can't seem to recall it.

Well, okay. Let me think.

The cabin, the cabin.

Oh. So pretty up there.

Did I have a husband? Dead.

Now focus on the
code and nothing else.

Hey, look who made
you your favorite soup.

Nothing like a familiar
smell to bring back memories.

She ate. I did? But
I'm sort of hungry.

Well, feed a cold,
starve a stroke.

Get that out of her.

I made this for you when
you came to Dad's wedding.

Uh-huh. That's right.
You got remarried

to that Puerto Rican woman.

You looked so beautiful
at that wedding...

Your dress, your
shoes, the jewelry.

Come here a second. Excuse me.

What the hell are you up to?

She stole my necklace.

So you try to
manipulate a sick woman

for your own personal agenda?

Aunt Becky, hi.

You remember when you
came to see me ice dance,

you said that I looked
like a little sissy, well, I...

Ow, Dad!

I am ashamed of the both of you.

That's my sister in there.

I almost lost her once.

I don't want to have to lose...

Oh, God. Oh, Dad.

I'm so sorry.

Uh, we're so sorry.

You're right. We're being petty.

Well, Claire's is
about a necklace

and mine's about living
my truth, but I get...

I get how this
isn't the right time.

I'm sorry I snapped.

This is just hard, you know?

Excuse me. Your sister said
she remembers something

about the security code
to your fishing cabin?

Well, I... I thought it
was her fishing cabin?

Oh, my God, and
she thinks it's yours,

and you don't want
her to remember it.

Okay, fine. You're right.

But before you
start throwing stones,

maybe look deep into your own...

What? Dad. What? No.

Dad. Dad. No. No,
no, no, no, no, no.

All right. We shouldn't
be panicking, right?

No, of course not.

There's got to be a
million ways out of here.

There's a security camera.

Oh, no. No, no.
It's old and broke.

Hey! Hey! We're stuck in here!

Gloria. Gloria, that didn't
work five minutes ago,

and it didn't work
10 minutes ago.

Why can't they hear me?

This vent has to go somewhere.

Gloria Maria Ramirez
Delgado Pritchett,

you are a genius. I know.

Give me a boost.
No, it should be me.

Right. Gloria, give Cam a boost.

No, I mean, I should
give you a boost.

Process works.

Why don't we use that trunk?

See?! We just make
each other better.

Right, chair, chair.
Who needs Pritchetts?!

I'll steady it.

Thank you again.

Okay. Okay, grate.

You're great.

Oh, this grate.

I got it. All right.

Let's Die Hard this puppy.

That's my shoulder.

Okay, in we go.

All right, now, Phil,
every couple of feet, knock

so we know where you are.

Got it.

- Okay?
- Guys, I think I see
an opening.

We're saved.

Yippie-ki-yay, mother

oh, dear God.

Phil? Phil? Phil?!

Good news, guys.
I see two people.

Maybe I can get
a... Oh, it's you.

- Hello?
- Haley, I'm sorry.

You had every right to
run out of the restaurant.

You know, I've put up
with a lot from boyfriends...

Futons, video games, wives.

But you were ashamed of me.

My mother is a judgmental snob!

I-I wanted her to like you.

I know I just... I
handled it all wrong.

But please come back.

No! You made me
feel bad about myself,

and I deserve better
than that, okay?

So just go to Switzerland

and just sit in a big thing
of, like, Swiss chocolate

and... and yodel, okay?

We're done.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Why do you all have accents?

Ugh. What happened?

You passed out.

Those stickers on your arms

are loaded with all
sorts of chemicals.

We called your
emergency contacts.

Your boyfriend's here.

Hey, sunshine.

Andy? You... You came
all the way from Utah?

Oh, no. I was in town
for a self-help seminar...

"How To Be In The Right
Place at the Right Time."

Holy cow. It's working.

Oh, gosh, I guess your
name must still be in my phone

as my emergency contact.

I use boyfriends to avoid
lectures from my parents.

I don't want to wake
up in a Tijuana prison

and them be all like,
"You're grounded."

I'm just glad I could be here.

Andy, um, I have to
tell you something.

And I'm really, really sorry,

but I'm seeing someone.

Really? Yeah.

Yes! Whoo-hoo!

Oh, thank goodness.

Me, too. I just didn't
know how to tell you,

especially if you were dying.

Oh. She's a Laker girl.

Oh, wow. A cheerleader. Nice.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Josephine scrapes
barnacles off boats

in the Great Salt Lake.

We call them Laker girls.

But they are kind of
sex symbols in Utah.

So, who is the lucky guy?

Well, it's a bit of
a mess right now,

but, um, he is a professor
and an astrophysicist.

He's a... a legit genius.

Haley! I came as
soon as I heard.

Actually, that's not true.

I stopped for tacos.

Not him.

Anybody got a spoon?

We could Shawshank this thing.

It didn't go so well
when you Die Hard-ed it.

Okay. Full disclosure.

If I don't feel supported,
I tend to shut down.

Okay.

I'm, um... I'm getting stuffy.

Is... Is it getting
stuffy in here?

Come on. There's got to
be something in this place

that can help us.

Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa! A phone!

Is there a plug around here?

There's a phone.
There's got to be a plug.

Everybody look for a plug!

What if nobody looks down here?!

You know, how are
we gonna survive?

I... I had a protein
bar in my car.

I don't know why
I didn't bring it in.

Got to be a plug.

There is no plug!

It was peanut butter
and 20 grams of protein.

Guys, if it comes to
it, and I mean this...

I want you guys to eat me.

As I told you before,
in those elevators

and in the traffic
jam years ago,

I am not going to eat you.

Okay, you say that now, but
we may not get out of here,

and we may have to
make some hard decisions.

Look what is happening!

Exactly what they
said is going to happen!

You're bouncing off the
walls and you're panicking!

And you're yelling.

No, I'm not.

Look, Claire may be right.

I may be unfocused, but...

But she wouldn't
be doing any better.

She'd be hyper-focused
on something stupid like...

Like... like, "Why aren't
the wires connected

to that security camera?"

Yeah, why aren't they connected?

Wait. She's onto something.

The wires are cut.

Why would someone cut
the wires to a security camera

in a basement room?

Well, Mitchell would have
some conspiracy theory

that this is where the
staff does illicit behaviors.

That's what it is.

I have been smelling
marijuana since I got here!

I got Gloria.

My God, she's like a DEA dog.

That's where it's coming from...

Great. Now we have
marijuana and no lighter

and just this stupid key.

I can hear Jay saying,

"Maybe that key opens
the door, dummy."

They can never know how
much smarter they are than us.

Never.

You got this, Becky. Mm-hmm.

You walk in the cabin,
you push those buttons.

They go beep, boop, boop, boop.

What are the numbers?

3... Uh-huh.

3... Yeah?

Weeks!

Since I've had my stroke,

and this is the first
time you come and visit,

and all you can care
about is that stupid cabin.

Wait. No, what?
My brain is fine!

But the doctor...

That's Fred from next door.

He played a doctor
on a soap opera once,

and he kept the coat.

But it was hockey playoffs.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Oh, Aunt Becky, I'm so sorry.

I just got off the phone with
the Prince of Liechtenstein.

He's having some
terrible financial troubles.

He's gonna need
the necklace back.

You know, to feed his people.

Save it, princess.

There's nothing
wrong with her memory.

She was messing with us.

Mean, huh?

Horrible.

That's my necklace.
Give it back.

Not until you fix the dent

you put in my car
in high school...

which is still there!

You kept the Bonneville?

That certainly doesn't
sound like a denial.

I'm keeping the necklace.

So you also know
about me too, then?

What about you?

Oh, God. This is happening.

Um, I-I, um... I... so I...

Spit it out.

Uh, I'm not here to
take anything from you.

I'm here to be my true self.

Oh, for God's sake. And
my true self is... Aunt Becky!

I am... a lawyer.

A lawyer?

Ew.

Well, that's "ew" for two.

How is she?

Not good. Full recovery.

Dylan, I'm sorry you got called.

Well, maybe you didn't
delete me from your phone

because you didn't
delete me from your heart.

Or I just forgot.

Right. I'm married, Haley,

and we're monotonous.
You got to move on.

Ugh. I wish I was
still in my coma.

She has a boyfriend. Not me.

I have a girlfriend.

She's a Laker girl.

Oh, barnacle scraper? Hot.

Miss Dunphy? This man
also says he's your boyfriend.

What am I doing wrong?

Haley. Are you okay?

I've been so worried.

Who's... Who's this?

I'm the guy before you,
and he's the guy before me.

Cheers.

Um, Haley.

We need to talk
about what happened.

You screwed up.
That's what happened.

Right. It's always us.

We go halfsies on
a pot-bellied pig,

and suddenly it's all mine
when it's frothing at the mouth

and corners your mom
in the laundry room.

Hey, he lied to his
parents about my job

because he's ashamed of me.

Oh, no, no. No. I'm
not ashamed of you.

I just panicked.

Look, right after you left, I
told Mum the truth about you

and your job and that if
I want to turn down a job

to be with you,

then that's my right.

Well, it doesn't matter. This
isn't working out anyways.

There it is. Totally.

- What are they talking about?
- Ugh.

They think that I'm freaking out

because you chose
me over that great job,

which means that you
have big feelings for me,

which forces me to look
at my feelings for you.

And?

And?

And...

I have big feelings, too.

You do? Yes.

Say it. Shut up.

I'll say it.

Haley, I love you.

I love you, too.

I came as soon
as I got the call.

Hey.

What's her forecast?

Go, go, go, go, go!

♪♪

Did you get it? I gave
her a hug goodbye,

used my sleight-of-hand,
and on the third try...

I feel so naughty using
my magic like that.

I love you, baby.

Your old boyfriends
warned me you were like this.

Give me that necklace!

She's coming.

Give me that necklace!

Go, go, go! Watch
what this bad boy can do.

Captions by VITAC...