Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 20 - Mother! - full transcript

Daddies will miss you both
so much! Have the best time!

Bye, honey. Ohh.

♪ We're alone! We're alone!
We're alone! We're alone! ♪

There's a box out here
marked fruit of the month.

I'm assuming that means
one of you won a contest.

So, Pam's moving back home

after living in our upstairs
unit for like three years.

Uh, okay, it's been
a year and nine days,

and she chopped
us all that wood.

Plus, she's taking Lily
back to see my parents.

It's birthing season so she
gets to name her first pig.



Oh, and then we slaughter
it on her 13th birthday.

There's prayers and dancing.

It's not unlike your
standard bar mitzvah.

Except a lot more
pork and a lot less Jews.

Anyway, we're excited to have
the house to ourselves again.

♪ Naked breakfast,
naked breakfast ♪

Just ignore it.

♪ Making sausages and
grits, barely coverin' our bits ♪

♪ Cookin' a frittata
while wearin' nada ♪

I knew you two would
keep the side door unlocked.

What would you do if I were
a deranged psychopath?

I'd probably start with, "Hi,
Mom, what are you doing here?"

Jerry and I had a terrible row!

Ohh.



Well, put on some
pants so we can hug.

Okay. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Back to back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why didn't we just back out?

I don't know, but we're
already committed to this.

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, last run.

And then we clean up
or your mom will be mad.

Hang on. Here we go.

And go!

Nice job.

Keep her steady.

Okay. Got this.

Oh! No!

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

I recently sat for

my Pritchett's Closets
presidential portrait.

It's a dumb tradition
my dad started,

but I kind of love the
way mine turned out.

At least it's more
understated than his.

The colors are muted

and I am not wearing a
sash and service revolver.

We're dead.

We never should
have played with...

Where is the drone?
Did you turn it off?

I was asleep.

Wow, this place looks dynamite.

I wanted to give Manny a
nice premiere for his movie.

He's been in such
a dry spell creatively.

That modern dance
recital was like...

Ugh, I couldn't even
look at that leotard.

Okay, yeah, he's
a terrible dancer,

but you don't have
to use that word.

For my film class, I
wrote and directed a short.

I felt the horror genre was
the best way to grapple with

the struggles of our time.

When Manny first came
to me with the project...

You read a script I left out
and you elbowed your way in.

Semantics. I was gonna
be the silent money.

But it turns out I've got some
natural storytelling talent,

so I took on a
more creative role.

In spite of that,
I got my first "A."

Our first "A."

I can't deal with my mother's
marriage drama right now.

Nobody gets the
love-lorn back on their feet

and out the door
faster than we do.

We'll just trot out our...
Our trusty "heartbreak kit."

Is that in the closet next
to the earthquake kit?

And the Eartha Kitt.

Did you put those all in the
same place just to delight me?

I did. Aww.

So, you have wine,
a self-help book,

a-a pillow shaped
like the platonic ideal

of a male torso for
cuddling and or punching...

And a DVD we made for you
called the "Donna Summer Olympics."

It's a compilation of all
the sexiest male athletes

accompanied by the
high queen of disco.

Oh, you boys.

So sensitive to a woman's needs.

Unlike Jerry.

Did I tell you that his
mother is living with us?

Yeah, no discussion.

She just shows
up with her birds.

Well, you know, Mom,
relationships take sacrifice.

I mean, when Cam's
sister Pam moved in,

it w... it was hard on me. I-I
was constantly worried about

the lost money on the
upstairs rental and...

You know, Mitchell, maybe
we shouldn't discuss money.

It can be a bit unseemly.

I wasn't planning
on being unseemly,

a word I've never
heard you use before.

I-I'm simply saying
how stressful

having a long-term
house guest can be and...

Oh. Oh, sweetie,
yeah, take a breath.

Oh, my... Oh, my...
Oh, my God. No. No.

You used to do this
when I was young.

Did you get this
move from my mother?

Mitchell, there is no reason
for this uns... um, high-temper...

Unseemly! You were
gonna say "unseemly"!

Unseemly! You stole
that word from her.

Okay, okay, okay.
W-What's going on here?

Are you two, um... friends?

Yes.

We talk on the phone,
e-mail, exchange recipes.

Oh. Oh, is she the reason
we'vebeen eating so much quinoa?

It's a super-food.
It's a super-food.

Okay, okay. Can I talk
to you for a second?

Come on.

Okay, no reason to lie about
it, 'cause I already know.

How long have you been
involved with this woman?

Can I ask a question? Is
there a chance you're just

kind of making this
all about Mitchell?

That's her.

Your mouth is moving,
but that is her talking.

Okay, don't you see
what's happening?

She's manipulating
you to manipulate me.

Don't you think I'm smart
enough to know if I'm being used?

I also have a mom.

You're out of your
league here, bumpkin!

Okay, this is a city mother!

Wow. What happened to
the seemly man I married?

You can't use it like that.

Okay, how's it looking?

Not bad.

Who would've thought
Mom and Teddy Roosevelt

were identical
front-teeth twins?

Okay, just give me a
quick minute to dry the glue.

Oh, can you throw that shirt
on a hanger for me, actually?

I need to look sharp for
Manny's premiere tonight.

I play the Sheriff,
which is ironic

because I steal
every scene I'm in.

Dad, no! It's melting!

ZZ Top!

I've ruined your mother.

Wait a second.

Today's your mom's
monthly spa day.

I'm not following.

Afterwards, th-there's
a brief window

when she's at her most
relaxed and understanding.

It's the best time to
give her bad news.

I was gonna tell
her about the $500

I wired to that stranded
British guy on the phone,

but this seems more important.

Hi. Is Mom home?

Honey, you look nice. Why?

Did I hear Mom?

Wait, you're
dressed like a girl.

No! You are not
using the window.

You got the last one!

Did everyone know
about this window?

You guys need it too? For what?

Oh, wow. It is not easy
doing something that dumb.

Yeah, this is why men are over.

I hope you enjoyed
the last 10,000 years.

Listen, I have to bail on our
trip with Mom for Mother's Day.

No! I have to bail,
you have to go!

She cried when we asked her.

But my boss invited
me to the Met Ball.

Her therapy dog got the
flu, so I get to fly first class.

Well, on her lap.

But Bill wants to take me away.

This is the first time
I've had a boyfriend

who's not spending Mother's
Day watching "Driving Miss Daisy"

and pulling gray hairs
out of a hairbrush.

Three asks in one
window, it's unprecedented.

If we're gonna pull this off,
we're gonna have to make this

the most relaxing environment
she's ever walked into.

Surprise!

Nana! Dede!

I'm sorry to barge in.

I was visiting Mitch and Cam.

There's some tension over there.

Well, where's my daughter?

I don't hear any cooking
or cleaning sounds

so I assume she's home.

Dad, what do we do?

Mitchell must've brought
her. Maybe he's still out...

Coward!

Oh, just in time.

"Chapter Five...
Toss that clown,

he's been keeping you down."

Cam, I spent my whole life

trying to get out from
underneath my mother's thumb,

and I-I finally thought
that that was over.

So to find out that she's been

secretly managing
me through you...

Okay, before you throw a clot,

please, come look at my laptop.

Read the e-mails your
mother and I have sent.

743 e-mails!

It's mostly from one thread.

Okay, look what she
says in this one. Mm-hmm.

"Some kitchen items
you might like." Mm-hmm.

The stove, the tiles... What?

The... the... the folksy
sign on the wall, Cam!

You said that these
were your ideas.

D-Don't you see she incepted you

and... and designed
our whole kitchen?!

It was all so diabolical,
and it went deep.

She tricked us into making
every decision in our lives.

For example, 12 years ago,

she sent me pictures of
adorable Asian babies.

While hitting me with a
little reverse psychology.

"Mitchell, America has taken
so much from the Vietnamese,

do you really want to
snatch one of their children?"

I do if you don't want me to!

Oh, my God, 2004?!

Th-That's a year
into our relationship.

"Oh, Cam, I hate to
think of you living all alone

in that tiny apartment
with a broken ankle."

And on the same day,
she's e-mailing you,

"It's too soon to
move in with someone.

I strongly discourage it."

Which is exactly why I did it.

And because you love me so much.

And because we were
in love. Are in love. Yes.

Oh, my God. Mitchell.

She's everywhere. She is.

Cam.

I'm scared.

Jay, you're abusing my editor.

Wait, stop. Back it up.

No, no. The movie's done.

We can't keep
arguing about this!

Don't we both want
to cut the sheriff?!

Yes! He stinks on ice!

But it hurts the story if we
don't stay on him long enough

in the closet to see
the terror on his face!

You just want to see the
Pritchett's Closets emblem

next to his head!

No, no, no, not again!

The red carpet that
they sent me is orange,

and they keep
putting me on hold.

I never thought
that I could hate

hearing "She
Bangs" over and over.

You didn't? Really?

Manny, give me the movie.

I need to make sure that
the projector is working

and that the picture is good.

Here, take it. It's
done, anyway.

I don't know what
to do with this.

I'm gonna need to
borrow your nerd.

And why don't you go
get me a tomato juice?

Look, I know we've had
our creative differences,

but I really think we
have a hit on our hands.

I'm pretty proud of it, too.

And a little nervous
to put it out there.

'Cause you made the
monster just like Mom?

No, we didn't. What
are you talking about?

That noise. It's what
she says all the time.

She's coming!

Stella, no! Out,
out! I'll kill you!

How could this happen?!

We spent weeks perfecting
the monster's trademark scream

by combining a bunch
of unsettling noises.

Horror movies are
all about the sound.

Particularly when your
special effects budget

has been repurposed for
an on-set massage chair.

Hey, you used it
just as much as I did.

So, our monster sounds
like your mother screaming?

But we didn't know that
before we put it in, right?

No, of course not, we
love her. To the moon.

Maybe she won't notice.

We better hope not.

It's your movie.
It's your movie.

She's asleep? How lucky.

Kind of lucky.

She said she was tired and
Haley gave her some... tea.

What was in the tea?

You want her asleep, or
you want to ask questions?

Mom just pulled up!

Quick, longest straw
goes first with her,

then medium, then shortest.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

That's the short
straw. You're last.

Oh, damn it!

I'm so used to a world
where the smallest size wins.

This sucks, you guys are gonna
use up all of Mom's happy buzz.

Oh, there she is! She's here!

Hurry!

Cover her up so Mom can't see.

There she is! There's
my beautiful family!

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.

Wait, why are those
shirts over there?

Oh, sorry. We didn't
finish the laundry.

Oh, well, don't
sweat it, handsome.

Read a paper, we
ain't got problems.

So, Mom, we made you
lunch, but it's so pretty outside.

Let's have a little picnic.

Yeah, I love that
idea. Fun in the sun.

Have some fun
outdoors. Life is a picnic.

I'm happy right here.

Okay.

What?

Oh, we're just so nervous
that we overdressed the salad.

I can't even watch you taste it.

Oh, please.

Mmm.

Honey, this is so good. What...

Mom, I-I hate to
have to ask you this,

but would you mind if I missed
out on our Mother's Day trip?

Oh, no, why?

Well, Bill only gets one
weekend off a month,

and he wants to take
me to the Grand Canyon.

On a motorcycle. What?!

Phil, chill.

Sweetie, as your mom,
I know I should say no,

but let's face it,

those books aren't
keeping you warm at night.

Let's get some bugs
in those teeth, huh?

Mom, you are the best.
Thank you so much.

That is so sweet.

Weren't you just wearing jeans?

No, I was not, and, Miss
Dunphy, my eyes are up here.

Oh.

What is that sound?

The house is
settling. My stomach.

Anyways, things are
really good at work, Mom.

Haley's trying to cut.

I finally realized how
much sacrifice it takes

to have a career.

You know, my boss, like,
she wants me to go with her

on this business trip. Mm-hmm.

But it couldn't come
at a worse weekend.

Welcome to the struggle, sister.

The window's gonna close.
Window? What... What window?

Great news. We moved
the box in the garage.

The craziest thing happened...
Talk about crazy things.

You know how the
Met Ball is in New York

and how I weigh the same
as a medium-sized dog?

Haley, the grownups are talking!

Guys, guys, guys, the
knots are coming back.

Mom, I'm bailing on our trip!

I made Dad play and we
flew our drone into your face!

A man named Nigel Pickles may
have our bank account numbers!

I'm gonna go. Stop!

Sit down!

Clearly, you all have
bad news to tell me.

But do you have to dump it on
me when I'm in a good mood?

Oh, my God, you did!
That's what the window is!

The one hour a month when
I am a human to you people.

Sometimes it's longer.

Let me tell you something.

You debutantes have it easy.

You wouldn't have
survived one day

in the house where I grew up,

where an actual crazy
person was running the show.

Um, Claire... The
guilting, the shaming,

the number of times I heard

"Where did I go wrong with you?"
Where did I go wrong with you?

Mom.

Mom, Nana's here.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Save it. I know
where I'm not wanted.

And no, I'm not
trying to guilt you.

I can't waste the
energy on that,

as I am basically homeless

now that my marriage
has unraveled.

Claire... No!

No! We are going
to sit here in silence

until it is my
turn to storm out.

No drinking!

For you.

If Mom starts to think the
monster sounds familiar,

I say we tell her
it's Stella barking.

- And hurt Stella's feelings?
- Think!

Dede? What are you doing here?

Our children are horrible.

I'm sorry to barge in.

Oh. Gloria's holding a soiree.

I should go.

You will do no such thing.

You come with me, young lady.

She was the perfect
secret weapon.

We send her
upstairs to freshen up,

just before the movie starts,
we drop the Dede bomb.

Gloria's flustered,
off her game,

she doesn't even pay
attention to the film.

You still got it.

And to think I was
worried last night

when you kept trying to
turn on your phone flashlight

and ended up taking 30
pictures of your angry face.

There they are, my
handsome movie makers.

What are you wearing?

What are you wearing?

What are you wearing?

Whatever I want.

Okay, I just found
out that my mother

has been secretly controlling
every decision we've ever made,

so we are taking our lives back.

She thinks this color washes
me out. Well, guess what?

She was right? You
match the carpet.

Use more teeth when you talk,

because I'm losing
your whole face.

Okay, pay them no never mind.

Uh, she also
implied 15 years ago

that Cam's accent was
trashy, so that's also happening.

Yep, and it came
right back to me

like a cheatin'
husband on his rent day.

Grab yourselves a drink.

Sorry I'm late.

What the hell?

Does no one know what

"upscale cocktail Hollywood
glamour fabulous" means?

Hello. Gloria.

No, I don't. I'm sorry. I
had to run off some rage.

Mitchell, you're a lawyer.
Can I divorce my whole family?

Are you even
facing me right now?

Tarnation, here comes
your kin! Git! Git! Oh!

Sorry, I'm still working
on the balance.

Oh, there's Mom.
Luke, turn your cute on.

There's my Sheriff.

Go. I want to take a
picture with the poster.

I'm sorry, I'm not
really in a place...

Pose.

Ow!

Mitchell?

Sorry, I didn't see
you against the carpet.

Mommy? Nope. Not
cute anymore. You're 40.

You know, forgiveness creates
a biochemical reaction that...

Don't care. You're up.

You're gone, aren't you?

Okay, everybody, sit down.
It's time to watch the movie!

Is Mom still at your house?

Oh, no, she ran
off all mad at me.

I guess I'm not getting

a recycled hemp
Christmas card this year.

Well, Cam and I have a
tiny bone to pick with her, too,

for controlling
our entire lives.

Not that it'll matter. We all
know what she's gonna say.

"Well, forgive me for caring." "Well, forgive
me for caring." Well, forgive me for caring.

Are you kidding?!
Look who dropped in.

What a surprise.

Let me get you a chair.

Oh, don't bother.
Sitting's the new smoking.

Mom, we need to talk.

Oh, no, no.

Just get in line, sweetie.

Oh, shoot. Well, family first.
Let's reschedule the premiere.

No. You will talk later.

Nerd, the lights!

Here comes the first test.

I can't believe that
Dede is standing up.

Worked like a charm.

I don't know what was more
genius, bringing Dede in,

or hooking the audience
early with some teenage sex.

You were right
to fight for that.

This is my big scene.

Big whoop.

Everybody, stop!

We're better than this.

So let's just think about that!

I don't know if I was
being oversensitive

because of my situation with
Claire, but that editing stung.

My huge speech, a fight
with the townspeople, all gone.

I'll never forget you.

Bravo bravo!

All right, then.

Yeah. Very nice.

Fine filmmaking, Manuel.

You really got to
something visceral.

I feel like I've
met that monster.

No, no, no. It's all
fiction. Now let's go eat.

No, you know what, that scream

actually sounded
somehow familiar.

Yeah, it did, didn't it? Yeah.

Stella, no! No! Out,
out, out! I'll kill you!

Oh.

What?

You made me into your monster!

Not on purpose.

It's just a bunch
of awful sounds

laid on top of each other.

How is that better?

Well, at least you
were in the film. Phil!

Well, now that we've reached
the Q&A portion of the evening,

I do have a question for
Mom, if that's okay with her.

Or do you want to tell
Cam to tell me what to do

and then use reverse
psychology on me?

Mitchell, if you want to
confront me about something,

do it now.

No, I'm... I'm gonna do
it when I want to do it.

Well, anyway, you look
lovely in the salmon suit.

Oh, you know what?
You know what?

Okay, well, how about this? Huh?

You realize what she
just... I do realize now.

Okay, you two are
being ridiculous.

And if I may come to Mom's
defense for just a moment...

Oh, yeah. What?!

Yes! Yeah, uh-huh,

and not just because I owe
her an apology, which I do.

But, I mean, do
you like your lives?

Are you happy with the
way things turned out?

Instead of blaming Mom

for helping you make
the right choices,

how about thanking her?

You know, it's not so easy to be
the one who always knows best.

In fact, it can make you
a little tense sometimes.

This amazing woman
runs a company,

she runs a family,

and you don't show
her any appreciation.

Just like you two.

I put you two together
to do this movie

and you turn me into
your devil creature.

What do you mean
you put us together?

I left Manny's script out
so that you would see it

and you would get involved.

I knew that this movie
was not going to be good

unless I would take
his artsy weirdness

and balance it
with your low-brow,

couch-tomato sensibility.

And that's why it was so great.

Gloria, I know what
you put up with.

I-I was married to Jay.

You are a saint to stick around.

Especially with that bosom,

you could get any
guy in town. Mm-hmm.

So, unfortunately, this
is what families do...

They turn mothers into monsters.

Mom, that's not fair.
That's not what we're doing.

Everybody stop!

We're better than this.

What are monsters, but
pure, beautiful creatures

we project our fears onto?

And are they even scary,

or are we just too
terrified to look inside

and see the ugliness and
inadequacies in ourselves?

So...

let's just think about that.

Thank you, Phil.

That's a nice start. He's right.

You're not a monster.
Mom, we're sorry.

We love you, sweetheart.

If Phil had been half that
good when we were rollin',

we never would've
cut that speech.

He finally just
trusted the words.

Everybody stop. Oh. I'm stuck.

Is... Is this props or wardrobe?

Cut!

Everybody stop!

Everybody, I can't stop.

Everybody...

Line!

Every body stop.

We're better than this.

That's a cut!

I'm sorry, guys,
I'm not hearing it.

Oh, actually, I'm at work.

Do you think I could send
you a picture of the rash?

Damn it, Phil,
you're in the shot!

Oh. Oh.

Scoot!

Captions by VITAC