Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 19 - CHiPs and Salsa - full transcript
When Haley hears that her loopy boss is looking for a product with the magical properties of peppers, she tries to gain favor by convincing Gloria to sell her salsa to NERP; and Mitchell gets Cam the police ride-along he's always dreamed of.
Not again. I just came
from an intervention.
Oh, no, no, Nicole,
this is a staff meeting.
You asked us to be here.
Oh.
Here you go, Kato.
Yes, I wanted to talk to you all
about something very important.
So, what plant has been revered
for its healing properties
for millions of years?
Aloe.
'ello to you, too,
but let's stay focused.
Peppers.
Peppers. Weird, we are
so in synch these days.
It's crazy.
I want to be in the
pepper business, people.
And I need ideas now.
Uh.
I haven't come up with a
single product idea in weeks,
so I'm on thin ice at NERP.
And I don't mean the
low-calorie ice cubes
we sell on our website.
Well, my... my step-grandmother,
she is from Colombia,
and she sells a salsa
that is supposedly made
with these magical peppers.
Peppers? I was just
talking about them.
Yeah.
When can I meet her?
Sell my sauce business to NERP?
I think you could
get a lot for it.
When Nicole wants something,
she just throws money at it.
She bought her
next-door neighbor's house
because she liked the mailbox.
I don't know.
I do. Dump it.
That thing is worth less
than a bachelor's degree.
Please, Gloria. I
really need this.
No one takes me
seriously at that office.
I don't even have
my own cubicle.
I share one giant bean bag chair
with the interns.
I want to help you,
but... something feels wrong.
Just go to the meeting
and hear what the offer is.
Okay, fine. I will
go. I will listen.
But I am not selling.
- What do you think?
- It's gonna be tough.
She's got a lot of practice
not selling that sauce.
♪♪
♪♪
Whoa, what's up with
the blazer and the T-shirt?
Thought you were going
to a college interview,
not doing stand up in 1988.
I'm starting to think
maybe college isn't for me.
There's this guy at the club
who said I could be a model.
He said he's gonna take
me out to the desert this week
and take some pictures.
I'd put a pin in that.
Of course you're going to
college. What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I wasn't very good at
school the first time around.
Maybe I'm just...
Hey! Don't you dare
call yourself an idiot.
I wasn't going to.
I was gonna say,
"Maybe I'm not ready."
Honey, it's just nerves.
Change is scary, but in the end,
I promise, it is all worth it.
Your mother's right.
You dig deep, you
make your best effort,
that's where you
find the glory. Exactly.
Like that time I
beat her in that race.
Maybe 10 years ago, Phil
challenged me to a race.
I don't believe it!
Daddy wins!
Do you believe in miracles?
U.S.A.!
He was feeling adrift
because the kids
were back at school,
so I let him beat me.
He has not shut
up about it since.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God, Usain
Bolt wins again!
Can you even imagine
what that feels like?
Oh, I don't have to, sweetheart.
I lived it.
All appeared lost,
but I turned on
the afterburners...
He's heard the story, Phil.
And I pull off one of
the greatest upsets
in the history of
husband-and-wife competition.
Okay, I'll go to that
college interview
and hear them out.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
I think what you
and I did right there
was called "great parenting."
Might be time to
retire that story.
I am so sorry.
That was insensitive.
I didn't realize how
much it must bother you
to relive that loss.
Phil, I am just feeling...
Hey, don't you dare
call yourself a failure.
I let you win.
You what?
Oh, I had you beat, easily.
I didn't even break a sweat.
As a matter of fact,
I almost pulled a
muscle holding back.
But I saw how
much it meant to you,
and I let you win.
Oh, wow, yeah. Uh-huh.
No, that makes a
lot of sense. I get it.
Like the way all
the other horses
wanted Secretariat to feel good.
Now you're Secretariat?
I don't know.
Was Secretariat married
to a crazy person?
Oh, God, Phil, I
100% let you win.
Then, you could
100% beat me again.
Oh, I could. Same course?
I've only gotten stronger.
How 'bout we add
a few challenges?
Monkey bars?
Great! Rope climb.
I love it. Tires.
Why not? Noon?
Fine. I have a
showing. I'll move it.
Hope it's not too heavy.
Well, the... the release
form for this ride-along is...
Is shockingly thorough.
I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you.
I can't bury another ride-along.
I'm kind of the precinct cut up.
Okay.
Mitchell, it'll be fine.
They do these
things all the time.
Yeah, easy for you to say.
My entire head is a gang color.
Okay, this is so exciting.
You know, in my alternate life,
I'm a... I'm a cop.
I-I thought that
your alternate life
was you teaching at-risk
youth to street dance.
No, I teach them to
believe in themselves
through street dance.
That's what it is.
Cam's always wanted
to go on a ride-along.
So, I called in a favor
to my law school friend
Lucy at the DA's office.
Weird thing,
they're understaffed.
And she offered me
a job as a prosecutor.
I just... I can't picture
myself with a badge.
I mean, I already hate
how thick my wallet is.
So, when do we roll?
You mean leave? Oh, copy that.
You know, it's hard for
me not to use the lingo.
Bit of a lawman myself,
acting high-school
vice principal.
Anyway, they call me "Arthritis"
because I make
life hard on seniors.
They don't.
But he did make a sign
for his desk, didn't ya?
Hey, hey.
Do you think that perhaps
you're coming on a tad strong?
No, I think Officer Stablitzky
appreciates me
knowing the language.
It's, like, when
you go to Italy,
you use "prego"
every other word.
They love it.
Break-in in progress.
Hoover and Olympic.
Wait. What was
that? In progress?
S-Should we wait
'til they're done?
12-A-3 responding.
Copy that, 12-A-3.
Mitchell, why don't
you ride shotgun?
Oh, no, You know,
he doesn't do that well
on Splash Mountain
in the front seat, so...
He'll be fine. Get in.
Yes, sir. Okay.
Okay, and then, you know, then,
maybe I can front
seat on even crimes.
You know, to keep
it fair. Probably not.
Ugh! You know, Phil, it's
not too late to back out.
I am in the best
shape of my life.
After my last physical,
the doctor posted my stress test
on his Instagram.
Honey, I'm on the basketball
court four days a week.
They call me "Phil Dunk-phy."
Well, take a good
look at this face
'cause it's the last time
you're gonna
see it for a while...
On your mark, get set, go! Hey!
Aah!
I immediately pulled that muscle
that runs from the
top of your head
down to the bottom of your feet.
The truth is,
between work and
not wanting to work out,
I hadn't worked out that much.
Welcome to the jungle, Claire.
Monkey see, monkey d...
Ow! Ow!
My first thought was
that I'd been shot in
both shoulders. Aah!
Here's the thing...
While Claire works out,
I do go to the basketball court,
but, uh, for epic robot battles.
Oh, Spin-a-tron
cornered me again.
Looks like you got me dead to...
Possum-punch!
Possum-punch! Possum-punch!
Clouds look kind
of ominous, huh?
Kind of felt a raindrop.
Maybe we should
reschedule... Okay.
Sorry we missed that robbery.
It would've been a
fun way to start the day.
Yeah, hi.
Have you guys considered
using the Waze app?
I could fire it up
and be kind of like your Goose.
Whoa, did you see
that? See what?
I'm blocked. I
can't see anything.
That jerk just cut
off that old lady.
Wanna mess with
him? Mess with who?
Is that allowed?
What's he gonna
do, call the cops?
Can you speak up a little bit?
I'm losing the thread.
That's the siren.
Okay. Not yet.
Not yet.
Now!
Oh! Oh, my God!
He's freaked out.
Oh, he's pulling over.
Put these on and glare
at him. Okay, okay.
That's right. You
know you were bad.
Sit in your shame like a dog!
You're a natural.
Oh, my God, that
was such a rush.
I imagine that's
what it feels like
to punch a guy or...
Or catch a ball while running.
Oh, hey, Chatty
Cathys, heads up.
Possible 10-99 right
over here. What?
Couple lowlifes over there
exchanging cash-money.
Right here? That's
because it's a newsstand.
And I'm pretty sure
a 1099 is a tax form.
Oh, Cam. Oh, yeah, well,
what isn't a form these days?
School board's got
me buried in paperwork.
I gotta get three John
Hancocks just to take a leak.
We're the same, see?
Oh, i-if I can interrupt
for just one second.
I've been typing
license plates numbers...
As y-you said I could...
And this guy in
this dirty car here,
he has a warrant for
unpaid child support.
Where? Good catch, Pritch.
He gets a nickname now?!
Yeah.
Hmm, looking squirrelly.
Yep, we got a runner!
Um... Stick by me.
Oh, my God, is...
is this happening?
This is happening. Okay.
Hey, guys? Guys?
There's no handles back here!
I wanna come!
Well, Luke, I read your essay.
Took a lot of guts to admit
you weren't ready
for college a year ago.
I had a lot of growing up to do.
So, I got a job,
I paid my bills,
and I read the Wall
Street Journal online
until I used up my
five free articles.
Well, based on
your credit score,
we'd like to welcome you to
Sequoia Community College.
Oh, thank you!
And once you walk through
one of our 15 TSA-approved
metal detectors,
anything is possible.
How hard is it?
Well, most of our
students report
about 10 to 15 hours
of homework a week
in addition to class time.
That sounds like real college.
This is a real college.
And it's a lot of hard work.
But you put in
your two years here,
then transfer to a real...
To a four-year college
and you will land
an entry-level job.
Nothing too glamorous,
but you pay your
dues, climb the ladder.
By the time you're 45,
you're living in a
three-bedroom house
with a picket fence!
Wow!
Three-bedroom house
with a picket fence?
Already got one of those.
Plus, free meals,
laundry, and cable.
I am living the dream.
You know what I say?
"Whom needs college?"
Great work out there.
I'm getting you a donut.
You earned it.
Er, a donut.
Isn't that a little on the nose?
And a lot on the belly.
Ah, Blitz!
Okay, guys, guys.
The door handle situation
really hasn't changed.
Oh, sorry. Yeah.
I opened it.
Sir? Okay.
So humiliating.
Officer Pierogi just
banishes me to the backseat
like I'm just
along for the ride.
Well, it is called a
"ride-along." So...
Mitchell!
Oh, hey, Lucy, um...
Cam, this is Lucy.
She's the one that set
all this up for us. Oh, hi.
Hi. Thank you so much.
Mitchell had a
wonderful time. Oh, great.
So, does that mean the answer's
"Yes"? What's the question?
Oh, I've been trying for weeks
to get this guy to
become a prosecutor.
Y... You mean, like,
Angie Harmon on...
On Law & Order
or Susan Dey on L.A. Law?
Or a man who does that job.
Okay, well, why didn't
you tell me about this?
Uh.
I'm going to give
you guys a minute.
But, um, Mitchell, I really
need to know by Monday.
Otherwise, I have to move
on to someone else, okay?
Okay. It was nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Bye!
Bye. Okay, I'm... I'm sorry
I... I didn't tell
you about the job.
It's... It's just that
it's a big change,
and I wanted to make
this decision on my own.
You know what?
Here's the good news.
You have a fantastic
job offer... Mm-hmm.
And if today taught us anything,
it's that you have a
passion for this world.
Well, actually, if today
taught me anything,
it's that I definitely
do not want this job.
I'm... I'm gonna go find Lucy.
Oh, good. I'm late.
I'm trying to free
myself of the calendar.
I live by my circadian rhythms.
So important!
Nicole, this is my
grandfather, Jay.
How do you do?
And this is the sauce maven
herself, my wife, Gloria.
Very nice to meet you.
Oh, I love your accent.
You know, I was up for the role
of El Chapo's mistress.
Oh, I did not see that movie.
What movie?
And we appreciate
you taking time
from your busy
schedule here at NERP.
It's a dynamite organization.
I'm a big fan. Love
what you're doing.
What are you doing?
I was selling. That's
what I was doing.
I don't know what nonsense
this cult was pushing,
but at the end of the day,
they were gonna be
in the sauce business.
And so, these peppers
are the heart of Gloria's sauce.
But this is the
finished product,
of course...
The Salsa Atómica.
Mmm! Peppery!
She has a sophisticated palate!
Mmm!
I can feel the healing.
Maybe that's why you're glowing.
Am I crazy or is she glowing?
Totally glowing!
Gloria, I notice that
you're really kind of quiet.
Is that a vitamin D thing?
'Cause we have socks
that can address that.
No, I'm just...
You know, it's hard
for me to sell this.
It's been in my family
for five generations.
Most of them had kids at 15.
Things were not always
easy in my village.
But the one thing
that we could always
count on was the sauce
made from this blend of
magical Colombian peppers.
Well, maybe it was just the way
the water came down the mountain
and curved around
our family farm.
I love mountains and curves.
So NERP!
You know, I remember
my grandmother cooking
for me every Sunday.
I would hold on to her apron
and follow her
around the kitchen
while she prepared her sauce.
She would hold
out the spoon to me
and say, "Taste this.
It's your familia."
I feel like NERP is my familia.
Yeah, we were all
here on Christmas.
Maybe it is the right time.
My abuela is gone.
My great aunts are all gone.
They straightened the river.
NERP can re-curve it.
Maybe it is the time
to say "Goodbye"
to the one thing that
is a real connection to...
You're not saying
"Goodbye" to anything.
This deal is done!
I'm so sorry to have
put you in this position.
I will never ask you
to turn your back...
You blew it, you dummy! What?
I wanted to sell
that stupid sauce!
Wait a minute.
I-I'm... I'm confused.
Why did you tell her
that the deal was off?
I was trying to
protect your legacy.
What legacy? There's not legacy.
I invented that whole
story to drive up the price.
Are you sure you're in sales?
What about the pictures?
I cut them out
from Manny's National
Geographic old magazines.
Look, there's even a picture
at the Universal Studios tour.
That's the Psycho
house in the back!
So, you want to get
rid of the business?
Yes, I hate that sauce.
It's a dog!
I have storage
lockers all over town
full of jars.
I tried to flush it, but
it eats up the pipes.
You could've just told me.
I didn't want to admit
that you were right
and have to hear "I told you so"
for the rest of my life.
Well, your life.
But it was the first thing
I was doing on my own
after getting married.
And it was a failure.
Honey, you've got to
cut yourself some slack.
Do you know how
many ideas I had to dump
because they weren't working?
I was a silent partner
of a professional
Jai Alai league.
With the ball and
the scoopy thing?
You guys! What was that?!
Now I'm never gonna get
my own bean bag chair.
No, it's gonna be fine.
We want to sell now.
It's too late. She's moved on.
Nicole doesn't give
second chances.
Mostly because that's the name
of a failed rom-com she
made with Andrew McCarthy.
That's where I've
seen her before!
Listen, this isn't over.
I've had my back
against the wall before.
Denver, Closet-Con, '97.
I had a warehouse
full of cedar shelves.
A storm blew in
over the Rockies...
You sold the closet. I get it.
Let's go up there.
There's a whole story here.
Nicole! Look who came back!
Listen, we were
just talking outside,
and maybe I was a little rash.
Really?
Maybe a big rash.
I'm so happy to
hear you say that
'cause I haven't been able
to stop eating your salsa
since you left.
There's no way to prove that.
Apropos of nothing,
do you believe in
Western medicine?
Ahh! Sweet.
Luke!
Dad?
Need you bad, buddy!
Why are you yelling?
Oh, don't tell Mom,
but I worked out too hard,
and it clogged my ears.
I need some ice.
And a heating pad.
And some aspirin.
And some soft foods,
like Jell-O or soup.
Can you poach an egg?
Can you even hear me?!
Hi.
Okay.
I'll be right back. Okay...?
What's going on?
Don't tell you father,
but I can't move.
Start me a tub,
and when it's ready,
carry me upstairs
and put me in it.
Can you boil water for tea?
I guess.
Luke, what happened, chief?
Uh, I'm helping
Mom with something!
Don't say that!
Claire, everything okay?! Yes!
I'm just stretching!
Me, too!
Luke!
Uh, he's helping me with
something on the computer!
He's so good at computers!
Oh, such a smart boy!
Okay, all right. This is nuts.
What? No.
Oh, boy.
Hi.
Oh, hi, honey. Hey, sweetie.
Are you good?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Are you good? So good!
I don't know what's
going on here,
but neither of you are good!
If you want someone
to take care of you,
I suggest once you can
move, you make another baby.
You're hurting, too?
That race, it almost
destroyed me.
I might have to spend the
rest of my life in this position.
What are we doing?
We're competing like a
couple of 40-year-olds.
I haven't worked out in months.
But what's up with you?
You're out on that
basketball court all the time.
Claire.
There's someone I'd
like for you to meet...
This is Awesome Possum.
Instead of working out,
my super cool friends and
I have epic robot battles.
The only time I break a sweat
is when we run after
the ice cream truck.
Is this what giving
up feels like?
No, not if we do it together.
Let's boldly walk forward
at a reasonable pace
into this new future
where we don't have to
pretend to be strong or fast.
Can I make a confession? Yeah.
Sometimes, I get
hungry at, like, 5:00.
Me, too!
Let's start having
early dinners! Mm.
It makes so much sense.
Old people are wise.
Oh!
Oh, no, Poss! No!
No! I gave you life!
Dr. Perry, this is Luke Dunphy.
Forget what I said.
I'd like to start college today.
No! Luke!
Mitchell, come in here.
Wow. Small room,
big mirror, handcuffs.
Overcharge for drinks,
and this could be a
bar in West Hollywood.
Okay, why aren't
you taking this job?
I don't want to. Why not?
You hate freelancing.
You're barely doing it.
I-I'm plenty busy.
Are you? Because you know what?
Lily and I saw you
putting breadcrumbs in
your pocket the other day.
Are you back to
spending your afternoons
with the pigeons in
the park, Mitchell?
W... You know,
they're... They're hungry.
No, you're hungry.
For a purpose.
It's just not my thing.
Sit down.
Not your thing, huh?
Okay, well, I snapped this
picture of you this afternoon.
Do you recognize the
person in this picture?
Uh, yes, it's me. You
just said that, so...
Okay, well, what is the
expression on your face?
What are you doing?
I asked a question!
"What is the expression
on your face?"
It's a smile.
And how would you
describe this..."smile"?
About from ear to ear.
Wh-Where's Blitz with my donut?
You'll get a donut
when I get answers,
you piece of trash!
Hey!
Hey!
Oh, my gosh, what...
What's happening here, huh?
I'm sorry, Mitchell.
You know what?
I'm just here to help you.
Let's just you and me talk.
Are you seriously trying
to good cop-bad cop me?
No, I'm trying to get
some understanding
because I was with
you the entire afternoon,
and you can't deny
you had a great time.
Wait a minute...
Except for when...
When you got out of the
car to chase that guy down.
Mitchell, what happened?
Nothing.
Okay, we were chasing
after that deadbeat guy,
and I started... I started
thinking about his kid.
And I just... I
wanted to catch him
and... and make him pay.
And then, Stablitzky
got him on the ground
and I saw his face and he was...
He was scared.
There's a person there. I
don't know the whole story.
I-I don't think that I can just
toss someone into prison.
Mitchell, come on. See? This
is why I didn't tell you, okay?
You're judging me.
You're the tough, justice guy,
and I'm just... I'm soft.
No, you're fair.
And, of course, you can
be thoughtful and sensitive.
But you can be tough.
You remember the... the
woman in front of us at Lion King
with the candy wrappers
and the big, giant hat?
Whoo, I went crazy
on her. You sure did.
And it is that passion
that would make you
an amazing prosecutor.
Do you really
think so? Of course.
And nothing would thrill me more
than to watch you embark
on this new chapter
of your life. Oh.
Aww.
It is... It is a lot
less money, though.
Well, you know, we
don't have to decide today.
Guys!
Guys, you forgot me again!
I like tacos, too!
Mitchell!
Mitchell!!
Haley. In my office, please.
Coming!
Okay.
Where are you?
Something happened to my face.
I got it.
Ohh! Oh.
I got it.
He's got it.
Captions by VITAC
from an intervention.
Oh, no, no, Nicole,
this is a staff meeting.
You asked us to be here.
Oh.
Here you go, Kato.
Yes, I wanted to talk to you all
about something very important.
So, what plant has been revered
for its healing properties
for millions of years?
Aloe.
'ello to you, too,
but let's stay focused.
Peppers.
Peppers. Weird, we are
so in synch these days.
It's crazy.
I want to be in the
pepper business, people.
And I need ideas now.
Uh.
I haven't come up with a
single product idea in weeks,
so I'm on thin ice at NERP.
And I don't mean the
low-calorie ice cubes
we sell on our website.
Well, my... my step-grandmother,
she is from Colombia,
and she sells a salsa
that is supposedly made
with these magical peppers.
Peppers? I was just
talking about them.
Yeah.
When can I meet her?
Sell my sauce business to NERP?
I think you could
get a lot for it.
When Nicole wants something,
she just throws money at it.
She bought her
next-door neighbor's house
because she liked the mailbox.
I don't know.
I do. Dump it.
That thing is worth less
than a bachelor's degree.
Please, Gloria. I
really need this.
No one takes me
seriously at that office.
I don't even have
my own cubicle.
I share one giant bean bag chair
with the interns.
I want to help you,
but... something feels wrong.
Just go to the meeting
and hear what the offer is.
Okay, fine. I will
go. I will listen.
But I am not selling.
- What do you think?
- It's gonna be tough.
She's got a lot of practice
not selling that sauce.
♪♪
♪♪
Whoa, what's up with
the blazer and the T-shirt?
Thought you were going
to a college interview,
not doing stand up in 1988.
I'm starting to think
maybe college isn't for me.
There's this guy at the club
who said I could be a model.
He said he's gonna take
me out to the desert this week
and take some pictures.
I'd put a pin in that.
Of course you're going to
college. What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I wasn't very good at
school the first time around.
Maybe I'm just...
Hey! Don't you dare
call yourself an idiot.
I wasn't going to.
I was gonna say,
"Maybe I'm not ready."
Honey, it's just nerves.
Change is scary, but in the end,
I promise, it is all worth it.
Your mother's right.
You dig deep, you
make your best effort,
that's where you
find the glory. Exactly.
Like that time I
beat her in that race.
Maybe 10 years ago, Phil
challenged me to a race.
I don't believe it!
Daddy wins!
Do you believe in miracles?
U.S.A.!
He was feeling adrift
because the kids
were back at school,
so I let him beat me.
He has not shut
up about it since.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God, Usain
Bolt wins again!
Can you even imagine
what that feels like?
Oh, I don't have to, sweetheart.
I lived it.
All appeared lost,
but I turned on
the afterburners...
He's heard the story, Phil.
And I pull off one of
the greatest upsets
in the history of
husband-and-wife competition.
Okay, I'll go to that
college interview
and hear them out.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
I think what you
and I did right there
was called "great parenting."
Might be time to
retire that story.
I am so sorry.
That was insensitive.
I didn't realize how
much it must bother you
to relive that loss.
Phil, I am just feeling...
Hey, don't you dare
call yourself a failure.
I let you win.
You what?
Oh, I had you beat, easily.
I didn't even break a sweat.
As a matter of fact,
I almost pulled a
muscle holding back.
But I saw how
much it meant to you,
and I let you win.
Oh, wow, yeah. Uh-huh.
No, that makes a
lot of sense. I get it.
Like the way all
the other horses
wanted Secretariat to feel good.
Now you're Secretariat?
I don't know.
Was Secretariat married
to a crazy person?
Oh, God, Phil, I
100% let you win.
Then, you could
100% beat me again.
Oh, I could. Same course?
I've only gotten stronger.
How 'bout we add
a few challenges?
Monkey bars?
Great! Rope climb.
I love it. Tires.
Why not? Noon?
Fine. I have a
showing. I'll move it.
Hope it's not too heavy.
Well, the... the release
form for this ride-along is...
Is shockingly thorough.
I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you.
I can't bury another ride-along.
I'm kind of the precinct cut up.
Okay.
Mitchell, it'll be fine.
They do these
things all the time.
Yeah, easy for you to say.
My entire head is a gang color.
Okay, this is so exciting.
You know, in my alternate life,
I'm a... I'm a cop.
I-I thought that
your alternate life
was you teaching at-risk
youth to street dance.
No, I teach them to
believe in themselves
through street dance.
That's what it is.
Cam's always wanted
to go on a ride-along.
So, I called in a favor
to my law school friend
Lucy at the DA's office.
Weird thing,
they're understaffed.
And she offered me
a job as a prosecutor.
I just... I can't picture
myself with a badge.
I mean, I already hate
how thick my wallet is.
So, when do we roll?
You mean leave? Oh, copy that.
You know, it's hard for
me not to use the lingo.
Bit of a lawman myself,
acting high-school
vice principal.
Anyway, they call me "Arthritis"
because I make
life hard on seniors.
They don't.
But he did make a sign
for his desk, didn't ya?
Hey, hey.
Do you think that perhaps
you're coming on a tad strong?
No, I think Officer Stablitzky
appreciates me
knowing the language.
It's, like, when
you go to Italy,
you use "prego"
every other word.
They love it.
Break-in in progress.
Hoover and Olympic.
Wait. What was
that? In progress?
S-Should we wait
'til they're done?
12-A-3 responding.
Copy that, 12-A-3.
Mitchell, why don't
you ride shotgun?
Oh, no, You know,
he doesn't do that well
on Splash Mountain
in the front seat, so...
He'll be fine. Get in.
Yes, sir. Okay.
Okay, and then, you know, then,
maybe I can front
seat on even crimes.
You know, to keep
it fair. Probably not.
Ugh! You know, Phil, it's
not too late to back out.
I am in the best
shape of my life.
After my last physical,
the doctor posted my stress test
on his Instagram.
Honey, I'm on the basketball
court four days a week.
They call me "Phil Dunk-phy."
Well, take a good
look at this face
'cause it's the last time
you're gonna
see it for a while...
On your mark, get set, go! Hey!
Aah!
I immediately pulled that muscle
that runs from the
top of your head
down to the bottom of your feet.
The truth is,
between work and
not wanting to work out,
I hadn't worked out that much.
Welcome to the jungle, Claire.
Monkey see, monkey d...
Ow! Ow!
My first thought was
that I'd been shot in
both shoulders. Aah!
Here's the thing...
While Claire works out,
I do go to the basketball court,
but, uh, for epic robot battles.
Oh, Spin-a-tron
cornered me again.
Looks like you got me dead to...
Possum-punch!
Possum-punch! Possum-punch!
Clouds look kind
of ominous, huh?
Kind of felt a raindrop.
Maybe we should
reschedule... Okay.
Sorry we missed that robbery.
It would've been a
fun way to start the day.
Yeah, hi.
Have you guys considered
using the Waze app?
I could fire it up
and be kind of like your Goose.
Whoa, did you see
that? See what?
I'm blocked. I
can't see anything.
That jerk just cut
off that old lady.
Wanna mess with
him? Mess with who?
Is that allowed?
What's he gonna
do, call the cops?
Can you speak up a little bit?
I'm losing the thread.
That's the siren.
Okay. Not yet.
Not yet.
Now!
Oh! Oh, my God!
He's freaked out.
Oh, he's pulling over.
Put these on and glare
at him. Okay, okay.
That's right. You
know you were bad.
Sit in your shame like a dog!
You're a natural.
Oh, my God, that
was such a rush.
I imagine that's
what it feels like
to punch a guy or...
Or catch a ball while running.
Oh, hey, Chatty
Cathys, heads up.
Possible 10-99 right
over here. What?
Couple lowlifes over there
exchanging cash-money.
Right here? That's
because it's a newsstand.
And I'm pretty sure
a 1099 is a tax form.
Oh, Cam. Oh, yeah, well,
what isn't a form these days?
School board's got
me buried in paperwork.
I gotta get three John
Hancocks just to take a leak.
We're the same, see?
Oh, i-if I can interrupt
for just one second.
I've been typing
license plates numbers...
As y-you said I could...
And this guy in
this dirty car here,
he has a warrant for
unpaid child support.
Where? Good catch, Pritch.
He gets a nickname now?!
Yeah.
Hmm, looking squirrelly.
Yep, we got a runner!
Um... Stick by me.
Oh, my God, is...
is this happening?
This is happening. Okay.
Hey, guys? Guys?
There's no handles back here!
I wanna come!
Well, Luke, I read your essay.
Took a lot of guts to admit
you weren't ready
for college a year ago.
I had a lot of growing up to do.
So, I got a job,
I paid my bills,
and I read the Wall
Street Journal online
until I used up my
five free articles.
Well, based on
your credit score,
we'd like to welcome you to
Sequoia Community College.
Oh, thank you!
And once you walk through
one of our 15 TSA-approved
metal detectors,
anything is possible.
How hard is it?
Well, most of our
students report
about 10 to 15 hours
of homework a week
in addition to class time.
That sounds like real college.
This is a real college.
And it's a lot of hard work.
But you put in
your two years here,
then transfer to a real...
To a four-year college
and you will land
an entry-level job.
Nothing too glamorous,
but you pay your
dues, climb the ladder.
By the time you're 45,
you're living in a
three-bedroom house
with a picket fence!
Wow!
Three-bedroom house
with a picket fence?
Already got one of those.
Plus, free meals,
laundry, and cable.
I am living the dream.
You know what I say?
"Whom needs college?"
Great work out there.
I'm getting you a donut.
You earned it.
Er, a donut.
Isn't that a little on the nose?
And a lot on the belly.
Ah, Blitz!
Okay, guys, guys.
The door handle situation
really hasn't changed.
Oh, sorry. Yeah.
I opened it.
Sir? Okay.
So humiliating.
Officer Pierogi just
banishes me to the backseat
like I'm just
along for the ride.
Well, it is called a
"ride-along." So...
Mitchell!
Oh, hey, Lucy, um...
Cam, this is Lucy.
She's the one that set
all this up for us. Oh, hi.
Hi. Thank you so much.
Mitchell had a
wonderful time. Oh, great.
So, does that mean the answer's
"Yes"? What's the question?
Oh, I've been trying for weeks
to get this guy to
become a prosecutor.
Y... You mean, like,
Angie Harmon on...
On Law & Order
or Susan Dey on L.A. Law?
Or a man who does that job.
Okay, well, why didn't
you tell me about this?
Uh.
I'm going to give
you guys a minute.
But, um, Mitchell, I really
need to know by Monday.
Otherwise, I have to move
on to someone else, okay?
Okay. It was nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Bye!
Bye. Okay, I'm... I'm sorry
I... I didn't tell
you about the job.
It's... It's just that
it's a big change,
and I wanted to make
this decision on my own.
You know what?
Here's the good news.
You have a fantastic
job offer... Mm-hmm.
And if today taught us anything,
it's that you have a
passion for this world.
Well, actually, if today
taught me anything,
it's that I definitely
do not want this job.
I'm... I'm gonna go find Lucy.
Oh, good. I'm late.
I'm trying to free
myself of the calendar.
I live by my circadian rhythms.
So important!
Nicole, this is my
grandfather, Jay.
How do you do?
And this is the sauce maven
herself, my wife, Gloria.
Very nice to meet you.
Oh, I love your accent.
You know, I was up for the role
of El Chapo's mistress.
Oh, I did not see that movie.
What movie?
And we appreciate
you taking time
from your busy
schedule here at NERP.
It's a dynamite organization.
I'm a big fan. Love
what you're doing.
What are you doing?
I was selling. That's
what I was doing.
I don't know what nonsense
this cult was pushing,
but at the end of the day,
they were gonna be
in the sauce business.
And so, these peppers
are the heart of Gloria's sauce.
But this is the
finished product,
of course...
The Salsa Atómica.
Mmm! Peppery!
She has a sophisticated palate!
Mmm!
I can feel the healing.
Maybe that's why you're glowing.
Am I crazy or is she glowing?
Totally glowing!
Gloria, I notice that
you're really kind of quiet.
Is that a vitamin D thing?
'Cause we have socks
that can address that.
No, I'm just...
You know, it's hard
for me to sell this.
It's been in my family
for five generations.
Most of them had kids at 15.
Things were not always
easy in my village.
But the one thing
that we could always
count on was the sauce
made from this blend of
magical Colombian peppers.
Well, maybe it was just the way
the water came down the mountain
and curved around
our family farm.
I love mountains and curves.
So NERP!
You know, I remember
my grandmother cooking
for me every Sunday.
I would hold on to her apron
and follow her
around the kitchen
while she prepared her sauce.
She would hold
out the spoon to me
and say, "Taste this.
It's your familia."
I feel like NERP is my familia.
Yeah, we were all
here on Christmas.
Maybe it is the right time.
My abuela is gone.
My great aunts are all gone.
They straightened the river.
NERP can re-curve it.
Maybe it is the time
to say "Goodbye"
to the one thing that
is a real connection to...
You're not saying
"Goodbye" to anything.
This deal is done!
I'm so sorry to have
put you in this position.
I will never ask you
to turn your back...
You blew it, you dummy! What?
I wanted to sell
that stupid sauce!
Wait a minute.
I-I'm... I'm confused.
Why did you tell her
that the deal was off?
I was trying to
protect your legacy.
What legacy? There's not legacy.
I invented that whole
story to drive up the price.
Are you sure you're in sales?
What about the pictures?
I cut them out
from Manny's National
Geographic old magazines.
Look, there's even a picture
at the Universal Studios tour.
That's the Psycho
house in the back!
So, you want to get
rid of the business?
Yes, I hate that sauce.
It's a dog!
I have storage
lockers all over town
full of jars.
I tried to flush it, but
it eats up the pipes.
You could've just told me.
I didn't want to admit
that you were right
and have to hear "I told you so"
for the rest of my life.
Well, your life.
But it was the first thing
I was doing on my own
after getting married.
And it was a failure.
Honey, you've got to
cut yourself some slack.
Do you know how
many ideas I had to dump
because they weren't working?
I was a silent partner
of a professional
Jai Alai league.
With the ball and
the scoopy thing?
You guys! What was that?!
Now I'm never gonna get
my own bean bag chair.
No, it's gonna be fine.
We want to sell now.
It's too late. She's moved on.
Nicole doesn't give
second chances.
Mostly because that's the name
of a failed rom-com she
made with Andrew McCarthy.
That's where I've
seen her before!
Listen, this isn't over.
I've had my back
against the wall before.
Denver, Closet-Con, '97.
I had a warehouse
full of cedar shelves.
A storm blew in
over the Rockies...
You sold the closet. I get it.
Let's go up there.
There's a whole story here.
Nicole! Look who came back!
Listen, we were
just talking outside,
and maybe I was a little rash.
Really?
Maybe a big rash.
I'm so happy to
hear you say that
'cause I haven't been able
to stop eating your salsa
since you left.
There's no way to prove that.
Apropos of nothing,
do you believe in
Western medicine?
Ahh! Sweet.
Luke!
Dad?
Need you bad, buddy!
Why are you yelling?
Oh, don't tell Mom,
but I worked out too hard,
and it clogged my ears.
I need some ice.
And a heating pad.
And some aspirin.
And some soft foods,
like Jell-O or soup.
Can you poach an egg?
Can you even hear me?!
Hi.
Okay.
I'll be right back. Okay...?
What's going on?
Don't tell you father,
but I can't move.
Start me a tub,
and when it's ready,
carry me upstairs
and put me in it.
Can you boil water for tea?
I guess.
Luke, what happened, chief?
Uh, I'm helping
Mom with something!
Don't say that!
Claire, everything okay?! Yes!
I'm just stretching!
Me, too!
Luke!
Uh, he's helping me with
something on the computer!
He's so good at computers!
Oh, such a smart boy!
Okay, all right. This is nuts.
What? No.
Oh, boy.
Hi.
Oh, hi, honey. Hey, sweetie.
Are you good?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Are you good? So good!
I don't know what's
going on here,
but neither of you are good!
If you want someone
to take care of you,
I suggest once you can
move, you make another baby.
You're hurting, too?
That race, it almost
destroyed me.
I might have to spend the
rest of my life in this position.
What are we doing?
We're competing like a
couple of 40-year-olds.
I haven't worked out in months.
But what's up with you?
You're out on that
basketball court all the time.
Claire.
There's someone I'd
like for you to meet...
This is Awesome Possum.
Instead of working out,
my super cool friends and
I have epic robot battles.
The only time I break a sweat
is when we run after
the ice cream truck.
Is this what giving
up feels like?
No, not if we do it together.
Let's boldly walk forward
at a reasonable pace
into this new future
where we don't have to
pretend to be strong or fast.
Can I make a confession? Yeah.
Sometimes, I get
hungry at, like, 5:00.
Me, too!
Let's start having
early dinners! Mm.
It makes so much sense.
Old people are wise.
Oh!
Oh, no, Poss! No!
No! I gave you life!
Dr. Perry, this is Luke Dunphy.
Forget what I said.
I'd like to start college today.
No! Luke!
Mitchell, come in here.
Wow. Small room,
big mirror, handcuffs.
Overcharge for drinks,
and this could be a
bar in West Hollywood.
Okay, why aren't
you taking this job?
I don't want to. Why not?
You hate freelancing.
You're barely doing it.
I-I'm plenty busy.
Are you? Because you know what?
Lily and I saw you
putting breadcrumbs in
your pocket the other day.
Are you back to
spending your afternoons
with the pigeons in
the park, Mitchell?
W... You know,
they're... They're hungry.
No, you're hungry.
For a purpose.
It's just not my thing.
Sit down.
Not your thing, huh?
Okay, well, I snapped this
picture of you this afternoon.
Do you recognize the
person in this picture?
Uh, yes, it's me. You
just said that, so...
Okay, well, what is the
expression on your face?
What are you doing?
I asked a question!
"What is the expression
on your face?"
It's a smile.
And how would you
describe this..."smile"?
About from ear to ear.
Wh-Where's Blitz with my donut?
You'll get a donut
when I get answers,
you piece of trash!
Hey!
Hey!
Oh, my gosh, what...
What's happening here, huh?
I'm sorry, Mitchell.
You know what?
I'm just here to help you.
Let's just you and me talk.
Are you seriously trying
to good cop-bad cop me?
No, I'm trying to get
some understanding
because I was with
you the entire afternoon,
and you can't deny
you had a great time.
Wait a minute...
Except for when...
When you got out of the
car to chase that guy down.
Mitchell, what happened?
Nothing.
Okay, we were chasing
after that deadbeat guy,
and I started... I started
thinking about his kid.
And I just... I
wanted to catch him
and... and make him pay.
And then, Stablitzky
got him on the ground
and I saw his face and he was...
He was scared.
There's a person there. I
don't know the whole story.
I-I don't think that I can just
toss someone into prison.
Mitchell, come on. See? This
is why I didn't tell you, okay?
You're judging me.
You're the tough, justice guy,
and I'm just... I'm soft.
No, you're fair.
And, of course, you can
be thoughtful and sensitive.
But you can be tough.
You remember the... the
woman in front of us at Lion King
with the candy wrappers
and the big, giant hat?
Whoo, I went crazy
on her. You sure did.
And it is that passion
that would make you
an amazing prosecutor.
Do you really
think so? Of course.
And nothing would thrill me more
than to watch you embark
on this new chapter
of your life. Oh.
Aww.
It is... It is a lot
less money, though.
Well, you know, we
don't have to decide today.
Guys!
Guys, you forgot me again!
I like tacos, too!
Mitchell!
Mitchell!!
Haley. In my office, please.
Coming!
Okay.
Where are you?
Something happened to my face.
I got it.
Ohh! Oh.
I got it.
He's got it.
Captions by VITAC