Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 18 - Daddy Issues - full transcript

How we doin'?

It's the most stressful
day of the year

for Claire...

Our anniversary.

She tends to leave
her gift shopping

till the last minute,

and the pressure
can really get to her.

I'm great.

Huh.

Oh, did you
forget it's our... No.

Happy Anniversary.



You're strangely calm.

Is this the legendary
realm beyond madness?

I already got your gift.

And I nailed it.

I even stayed
below the $100 limit.

You?

Oh, you'll be quite pleased.

Once I find something.

This time I left my
shopping till the last minute,

maybe just to give Claire a
chance at our competition.

Am I too competitive?

I mean, she does often say,

"Phil, do you always
have to finish first?"

Joe, I'm coming for you.



Hey, have you guys seen Joe?

Aw, man!

You found me so easy.

But that was for fun.

Hide and seek?

What am I, 4?

I'm here because Luke has
the new zombie video game

that my mom would
never let me play.

So... what else?

What else?

Hey, didn't you get
a new video game?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!

Did you see her
yesterday? No, why?

That's what she says
when she realizes

she just slept
through an entire day.

So, my boss went
away for the weekend,

and I realized I left
my phone at her house.

There's a doggy door,
but then I would have to

find a dog, somehow
learn how train it

to go inside, and then find it.

And I don't know
where to get a... Honey...

Oh my God, duh.

Joe, you have a dog.

Come on.

Captions by VITAC

Now see, this is when
entertainment was classy.

Max Feldman wore a tux,

the audience smoked cigars.

And his act is as fresh
today as it was in the '70s.

What are you, an Eskimo?

You got 50 words for "snow,"

but apparently
none for "toothbrush."

I don't understand why
you guys like that man.

He's a bully.

See, this is why
we're not bringing you

to his show tonight.
You don't get the jokes,

you ask questions
the whole time...

It ruins the experience.

I understand funny jokes.

This is not funny. This is mean.

He just told that guy

that he looked like a beef
jerky wearing a tuxedo.

And that guy was Ronald Reagan

and he loved it!

I hope Feldman
zetzes me tonight.

Is that why you're wearing
that shirt? Huh? No.

Anyways, I'm gonna go
and run some errands.

If Jorge arrives
before I'm back,

please don't bore
him with this stuff.

Jorge was this
steamy Latin musician

your mother used to date.

Apparently she feels
she has to invite him here,

instead of just
thinking about him

while she pages through
a high-school yearbook

on her third Scotch

like a normal person.

Jay, don't be jealous.

It was 20 years ago,

and I only dated
him for six months.

And we never had
what you and I have.

Well, that's nice to hear.

It was only physical.

Manny...

you're gonna learn
something today.

I try to learn
something every day.

It keeps me young,

or nuori, as they
say in Finnish.

Assuming you stop
saying stuff like that,

one day you will be married,

and eventually
the ex will show up

sniffing around,

puffing out his
pretty-boy chest,

which is your cue to go alpha.

Don't you think
Mom will get annoyed

when she sees you
being rude to an old friend?

Not at all.

Deep down, she wants
to see me vanquish

all who came before.

It's basic animal stuff.

Oh, I get it.

My girlfriend Karen was
pretty frisky the other night

after her ex showed
up, and I bested him

in a chocolate-soufflé bake-off.

I don't need to tell you

my soufflé wasn't the
only sweet brown dish

she devoured that night.

Because...?

I also made molasses cookies.

I've learned to ask
the second question.

I don't even remember what
the fight was about. Uh-huh.

Then why does your teacher
want to have a chat with us?

Maybe she has trouble
meeting people. Ah.

Hey.

Oh, that is a... that's bold.

It's too young, isn't it? No!

Oh, God, these things
have lie detectors now.

Sir, please give me your bag.

Oh... we... well,
the cashier probably

just forgot to take a
security tag off of the...

Where did that come from?

Possible 488.

No. I wouldn't steal a bra!

I don't wear bras! Yeah.

Oh. Well, maybe once.

Our friend Pepper had a
"Turning 50 is a Drag" party.

Yeah, he's had five of those.

So... Sir, please come with me.

No... No, no, no, no, no.

Mitchell, call a
lawyer! I'm a lawyer.

Yeah, but you've lost more suits

than a Men's
Wearhouse in a tornado.

April Fool's!

They thought you
were a shoplifter!

Burn!

A fight at school, and
now a shoplifting prank?

If you wanted to rebel,

why don't you just put a
pink streak in your hair?

I told you, I don't want one.

But you would look so cute.

Okay, well, whatever
this phase is,

I'm not a fan. I blame us.

We've been far too
permissive. Agreed.

You are grounded
for one month, Missy!

We got the Cirque
du Soleil tickets.

Except for Cirque du Soleil!
And the Disneyland trip.

And for Disneyland!

But you are not going to
Christina's slumber party tonight

no matter how much... We
have reservations at Cactus.

Okay, Christina's slumber party

is the last one for a while.

Right. That's right.

Scented candles.

The simpleton's choice.

The perfect gift
has three elements...

Not something
you'd buy for yourself,

takes you on an
emotional journey,

that journey is on a ship...

A showmanship.

Mm.

I mean, finding a
gift that has all three

is challenging,
but here's the thing.

Bad ideas aren't your enemy.

In fact, sometimes
if you free-associate

from the bad ideas,
you discover great ones.

Let's try it.

Sir, would you
like a bonsai tree?

Novelty key chain.

First thing that
popped into the noodle.

It's terrible.

Let's see what that key unlocks.

Novelty key chain.

Novelty lock.

Loch Ness Monster.

Monster bike.

Bike lock. Padlock.

Mouse pad. Novelty mouse pad!

Novelty key chain!

What... just... happened?

It was like my muse
just disappeared.

And she wasn't coming back.

Soap?! She's not
your grandma, Phil!

If I don't care that it
mops, dusts, squeegees,

and lights up,

would I care that
Stacey Keach says

it's the last cleaning
tool you'll ever need?

Box of chocolates.

Count Chocula.

Chaka Khan, conman, Isle of Man.

"I Love Lucy," Lucy Liu.

Lululemon, lemon peel.

"Key & Peele," key chain!

Novelty key chain?!

No!!

No!

Laundry, right?
Oh, it never ends.

I heard that.

Happy Anniversary,
by the way. Thank you.

Did you get anything
special for Phil?

Kid's smooth like butter.

Just like I coached him.

I am very excited about
the present I got for Phil.

Come on over here.
Come on closer.

But you have to promise

that you're not
gonna tell anybody.

Talk to papa.

I don't want anybody
else to hear what it is.

It's a really good secret.
And the present is...

Ow! Ow!

Why would you do that?!

My ears are still developing!

Nice try, Phil.

That's so funny!

Oh. Hey, honey. How are you?

I'm so sorry. I
have to take this.

Oh, boy.

Hello, Robert...

Not too much. How are you?

There are a lot of ways
you can establish status

over another man, like Jorge.

A firm handshake...

displays of wealth...

and feats of strength.

Interesting. Moving that rug

was the hardest thing
in the world for you

when I needed to
practice tap dancing.

There are also
more subtle moves,

what I call micro-aggressions.

Call him by the wrong name.

Throws him off the
moment he meets you.

You must be Huevos!

Jay! Pleasure.
Jorge de la Selva.

In English, it's
George of the Jungle,

so I stick with Spanish.

Hey, who's got the great taste?

That would be me!

Nice!

Uh, hello...

So, you and Gloria...
you used to, uh...

Yep.

Hey, so he was a
little more handsome

than you were expecting,

but pull yourself together, man.

Now, fights are very
common at Lily's age.

I mean, so many parents ask me,

"What happened to
my sweet little kid,"

and I say, "That's puberty."

Puberty.

Well, Lily's a little
young for that, so...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What is this? The inner ear?

That is the female
reproductive system.

Oh. Cam.

Oops. Heh.

I dropped the, uh...

I want to say egg chute,

but I know it's probably
something more Latin-y.

It can be a challenge

when a child enters
into adolescence,

so I was thinking...

Does Lily have any aunts

or any other female
figures in her life?

Yes, why?

Well, she might want
to talk to a woman

about what she's going through.

Okay. I see.

So meaning, as a gay couple,

we're not up to the task

of raising a
daughter on our own.

No... Okay.

Mitchell, I'm stuck.

I'm just saying that Lily
may be self-conscious

talking to men...
Even her dads...

About certain
female body issues.

Did she tell you what
the fight was about?

Yes. Obviously.

Yes, we are a very open family.

It's not like we wouldn't
just not follow up.

And what did she tell you?

Uh, that...

A... Boy...?

No. Girl.

A girl tried to snap Lily's...

Finger! Bra.

But Lily doesn't
have a bra. Exactly.

And now she's getting teased,

because unlike the other girls,

she doesn't have a...

Oh, just say it. A mom.

A bra. Oh. Okay, so...

Oh, that wasn't a joke

when she stuffed
that bra in your bag.

She wants one.

She's just...

She was too
embarrassed to ask for it.

Oh, boy.

You don't think this is
gon... Gonna come up

at the slumber party, do you?

Not Christina S's slumber party?

Yes. Oh, God.

She single handedly sent
our lunch lady back to rehab.

I would strongly
consider bringing Lily...

Thank you, we got it.

Mm.

Obviously you were gonna say

we should bring Lily... home?

Actually, I was going to say

bring Lily a training... bra.

Training bra! A train set! Bra.

See? We all said training
bra at the same time. Yes.

Oh, wow. This
crema is incredible.

The secret is Amore
beans from Guatemala.

Low-acid, shade-grown,

individually massaged
by an order of hill nuns.

Oh, I'm very familiar
with the Amore bean.

I get why you have trouble

vanquishing this guy.

He's perfect. So, Jorge, um,

you were Gloria's
boyfriend right before Javier?

Yeah, and a little
during, you know?

She kinda bounced around
between the two of us.

Um, where is she anyway?

I got to be at a Dodger
game in an hour.

Oh, you like sports?

That's fantastic!

I tried to get this
one into baseball.

No go.

Actually, I hate baseball.

I'm here to sing
the national anthem.

I'm an opera singer.

I just finished two
months at La Scala.

The house that Toscanini built?!

Yeah, well, it's been
rebuilt a few times.

You know, a bunch of opera
singers prancing around.

It, uh, takes its toll
on the foundation.

Yeah. ALEX: Hey.

I'm here to pick up Mom's
old boombox from storage?

She needs it for...

How many Mannys do you
see through these things?

That's Gloria's ex-boyfriend.

Wait, how far ex?

Roughly 20 years.

Oh, my God.

Is... Is it possible?
What does Gloria say?

She hasn't even seen him yet.

The odd bit is, these two
clones don't see the resemblance.

Maybe she won't either?
I'm not gonna force it on her.

I mean, it's no
easy thing to say

"Is there a chance
you're so dumb

you don't even know who
the father of your baby is?"

We could do a DNA test.

I could do one at
the lab at school.

And then you would
have a definitive answer.

If it comes back negative,

mm, you don't even
really have to tell Gloria.

Well, what do you need, saliva?

We take these two
down to the Sizzler,

and you squeegee what you
need off the salad-bar window?

They use hairs now!

"But we hanged Wichita Willy
yesterday," said the sheriff.

"Could he be back for revenge?"

That's when they looked up

and there was Wichita Willy,

the noose still
dangling from his neck.

Hey, sweetie. What
you guys doing?

Have you heard of
Twice Hung Willy?

Um, yes, I'm familiar
with his films, but...

What are you doing here?

There's something we
forgot to pack for you.

Can... can I talk to
you for a second?

No. It's girls only.

Yeah, no, but
you're gonna love it.

What is it?

Oh, it's not for you, Christina.

Uh... Oh, God.

Lily...?

Why does your dad
have a fallopian tube?

That's what it is. Oh.

What's wrong with you?!

Calm down, okay?
Your father was fiddling

with your teacher's
reproductive organ.

Oh, my God! Ms. Wolfe?!

No, ju... the model on her desk.

And then he put
his finger into it,

and then he couldn't...

Well, now mine's
stuck! Okay, let me...

Okay, this is tight.
Push your finger through.

Oh, no.

Are they like this in
real life? I don't think so.

This is gross!

No. It's not gross, okay?

Nothing about your
body is gross to us.

Yes. Not your cycles,
not your fluids...

Oh, my God, just
stop talking forever.

Just go!

Oh, well, that was a disaster.

You know, maybe it's
just time we start to admit

that straight couples
have strengths

that we don't, you know?

And maybe moms know
more about girls than we do.

Is it time to start farming
some of this girl stuff out?

Yeah, but to who?

Claire's an over-sharer.

Gloria... Is her
body even human?

Haley knows less than Lily.

So who do we go
to? Alex? I guess.

I mean, it'll be
dull, but it'll be right.

Let's prank call Milo
again. You totally like him.

I do not! I just
want to torture him.

Okay... so, see, are we supposed
to hear something like that

and say nothing? Yes, we are.

Come on. Okay, hi.

If you want to get
a boy's attention,

you know, a prank call
is probably not the move.

Dad!

Cam, this is not our
place. But he's not wrong.

I just like to make him mad!

Yeah, well, we just
thought you liked him

and you wanted to know

the best way to
get his attention,

but apparently not.

So good night.

Wait!

Okay.

Okay, so, who's Milo's
best friend? Barrett.

Okay, you're gonna text
Milo, "You're hilarious!

Crying-laughing face,
and winky face emoji."

Then wait a beat.

Then you're gonna text back,

"Oops, sorry. That
was for Barrett.

Neutral-face emoji
with straight-line mouth."

Oh, my God. Genius.

Wow, I've never seen her smile.

Dudes!

Milo just texted me back.

Okay, what'd he say?

"You're a jerk.

Winky eye face with
the tongue hanging out."

Oh, you're in.
You're in. Oh! Yeah.

Do not text him back, okay?

But when you see him on Monday,

walk right past him
and throw him a quick...

"Hey."

Hey. Yes!

All right, you girls
got it from here.

We have a dinner reservation.

Hey, I saw what
you put in the bag.

Thanks.

You're welcome,
sweetie. And we love you.

Are you gonna be this
cool when I like a boy?

Oh, no. No. No. Not a chance.

Good, you're home. One second.

Papi, you look great
in that new shirt!

So handsome! Gloria!

Oh.

I thought you were Manny.

Good. You're caught up now.

I know I put on a few,
but they don't take you

seriously as an opera
singer when you're too skinny.

Do you know what happens
when the thin lady sings?

The show just keeps going.

It's so wonderful to see you.

I... I'm gonna go and
open a bottle of wine.

Do you think that
Jorge could be...?

Jorge mentioned
you bounced around

between him and Javier.

How much bouncing did you do?

Technically, it's possible.

Oh, my God.

How is Manny going to
handle this? Not great.

You know he doesn't
respond well to surprises.

Remember how upset he got

when he found out
those mashed potatoes

were really just
whipped cauliflower?

What are we going to do?

Okay, Grandpa, I got...

Oh, Gloria, you're here.

What do you bring with
you, besides that guilty look?

Okay, in order to get
a definitive answer,

I had Alex perform a DNA test.

You got them both to spit?

They use hair now. Eugh.

Hey, lotion's on
the sink, Jorge.

Hey, turns out I'm
not the only one

who suffers from dry navel.

Uh, Alex, why do you
have a medical form

with my name on it?

I don't think I should be
the one to explain this.

Manny... as you know,

your mother and
Jorge had a relationship.

You're a lot alike,

and it made us
curious as to whether...

Uh, are... are you saying...

This is a DNA test.

Your mom didn't even
find out until today.

So... I...

I... I don't even
know how to react.

So my whole childhood was a lie?

I thought Javier was my dad.

Now he's just some
stranger who gave me baths?

Listen, buddy.

It's not who brings
you into the world.

It's what you do
when you're there.

You're not Javier.

You're not this guy. You're you.

And what you are is amazing.

And for the record,

I've been your dad
since you were 10,

and I'm gonna be
your dad until I'm gone.

I love you, and I always will.

I love you too, Jay.

Ha! April Fool's!

Now who doesn't
understand a joke?!

What?

I never dated Jorge!

He's the butcher
at the grocery store!

I just thought that
he looked like Manny!

Why would you do that?

Because you said that I
didn't understand funny.

I didn't know you were
going to take the prank this far.

You made Grandpa cry.

I know!

He was like,

"I love you and I always will."

Okay, look, I'm out.

Uh, I used to raise veal,

and this has to be
the cruelest thing

I've ever been a part of.

Okay, almost
there... almost there...

Hang on. One second.

Claire's gift
involved a blindfold

and a second location...

Showmanship of
the highest order.

To make things worse,
the clock ran out on me.

My gift...

I settled...

I can't even say it out loud.

And...

Ta-da!

Oh, my God.

Our old apartment.

I know.

I was noodling around on
Airbnb a couple of weeks ago

and it was just
right there listed.

Unbelievable.

It's $85 for the night,

$6 for our old favorite
Arizona fish sticks,

which you will smell
warming right now...

$3 for the "Forget
Paris" rental.

Aw, you even found cans
of the wine we used to like.

You completely nailed it.

I know. I really did!

I did! I did!

And it was the first time ever.

And...

I really want this
feeling to last.

Would it be weird if I asked you

not to give me your
gift until tomorrow?

You got it. Yes!

In fact, I might, uh...

I might sneak off
and trade this in

for something really terrible

just to seal your victory.

All right.

Now let's get
this party started.

No. Mm.

The old mixtape I
made you? Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah. "Songs
in the key of Phil."

Oh, no! Oh. Oh.

Aw, no. Wait, hang out.

It's not going back
in. You know what?

Sometimes it's nice
to not have music.

Well, I'm not listening
to that all night.

Oh.

I wonder if the old
intercom system still works.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah.

Give it to 'em.

Tell 'em how I feel.

Hey!

Hey! Ahh!

Oh, my God! Oh, oh, oh!

It's okay! Okay. No
need to be alarmed.

Oh, no, not the
fish sticks! Okay...

Oh, oh, Phil?

Open the window,
and it'll stop the alarm!

Oh, God! Whoa!

Oh, God! Oh, it's okay!

Phil! Phil! Oh! I got you!

Okay... I got you!

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Waah!

Wine is flammable?!

No! But that is!

Oh, God.

Ahh... Ohh...

Raccoons!

Oh, for God's sake, Phil,
just swear like an adult.

No!

Part of me always knew this
is how I was gonna go out.

In a wine fire
surrounded by raccoons?

Wait.

What is that?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, yes.

What... what is this?

Ohh...

Ahh!

Oh, yes!

Yeh-ha! Yah!

Yah! Yah!

Yeah! Get out! You
shut your mouth!

Oh, yeah!

And since the neighbors
can't take a hint.

Oh!

That was amazing.

My dear,

nothing but the best for you...

on our anniversary.

Now...

where were we?

Okay.

Oh.

May I have this dance?

♪ You're all I want
in my life ♪ Yes.

Oh...

I am the luckiest
girl in the world.

Shh. Mm.

Did you get me a
mop for our...? Shh.

Come on.

Honey, what happened?

I spilled some milk.

Apparently the only thing
this mop can't do is mop.

Well, there's no
use crying over it.

Just call them and complain.

Oh, you're right.

This is your
emergency moperator.

How can I help?

The... the mop function
on my mop isn't working.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm going to go ahead
and do a remote reset,

so you may notice that
your mop gets extremely hot.

Oh. Oh.

Uh... should I...?

I'm kidding.

Oh. Good one, moperator.

You should've seen his face.

I did. You're an
adorable couple.

Get rid of it. Oh, my God.